My Friend is Suffering, But So am I

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day

Episode: My Friend is Suffering, But So am I
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: August 26, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Dr. Laura Schlessinger answers a heartfelt call from Robin, a divorced mother navigating her own healing journey and sobriety. Robin is struggling with complex feelings as she attempts to support a terminally ill former fiancé turned friend, whose worsening illness has brought out his cruel and angry side. Through the call, Dr. Laura offers her trademark mix of direct guidance and compassion, focusing on personal boundaries, self-preservation, and the importance of not subjecting oneself to abuse, regardless of circumstances.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

Robin’s Relationship History & Personal Growth

• Background: Robin shares she’s been divorced twice. Her early marriages were shaped by childhood trauma and a longing for family, having grown up in a household with 11 marriages between her parents (02:13).
  • "I married very young and I was in absolutely no shape to get married. ... I was from a family. I think There were already 11 marriages between my parents. There was a lot of trauma, and I desperately wanted love and a family." – Robin (02:13)
• Self-reflection: Robin discusses taking accountability for her own shortcomings as a partner and how sobriety has transformed her life (03:35; 08:21).
  • "I don't take those marriages lightly at all because I do value marriage. I'm aware of that. I fell short on something that I value and I recognize that it hurt other people and I live with that." – Robin (03:35)
  • "I'd say I'm in a better place than I really ever imagined I could be. Just freedom. Just freedom and from where I had been. And I do credit sobriety to that." – Robin (08:21)

The Dilemma: Supporting a Dying Friend

• The Situation:
  • Robin’s former fiancé, who became a platonic friend, was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer (glioblastoma) on Father's Day (11:03).
  • She’s been helping him and his family at the hospital but is now struggling to endure his angry, cruel outbursts, a behavior which had ended their romantic relationship years prior (09:06; 12:15).
  • "Well, what changed is the anger. And that ugly part of him is all I'm seeing now." – Robin (12:15)
• Moral Conflict:
  • Robin feels guilty abandoning someone who is suffering but recognizes the emotional toll and potential for self-sacrifice.
  • She admits she likes to "show up for people," in line with her involvement in the AA community, but is uncertain if staying is noble or harmful to herself (13:08).
  • "I genuinely do like to show up for people, and within the AA community, yes." – Robin (13:08)

Dr. Laura’s Advice and Boundaries

• Validation and Recogntion: Dr. Laura commends Robin’s honesty, self-reflection, and kindness (08:11).
  • "You are an exceptionally honest, kind woman." – Dr. Laura (08:11)
• Drawing the Line: Dr. Laura asserts that, regardless of the man's condition, Robin is not obligated to endure emotional abuse, especially since he has family caring for him (12:31; 13:15).
  • "You were very kind. He's being taken care of. You don't have to be abused, no matter what the reason, whether he can't control it or not." – Dr. Laura (12:31)
  • "I do not think you should show up for people abusing. No matter what the reason is." – Dr. Laura (13:15)
• Permission to Prioritize Herself: Dr. Laura encourages Robin to separate from the situation and resume her own life, emphasizing that not everything can be made right through personal sacrifice (13:54).
  • "Get on with your life. I don't want this to be a detour to protect yourself." – Dr. Laura (13:56)
  • "He’s just worse because of the situation. But he was always like, so, yeah, you don't have to explain that to them. You just need to get on with your life." – Dr. Laura (14:22)
  • "Thank them very much for everything they're doing to take care of him. Compliment them up one side and down the other." – Dr. Laura (14:32)
• Robin Accepts: Robin expresses relief and readiness to step back, repeating Dr. Laura’s advice (14:45).

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• On Self-Awareness and Sobriety:
  "I wanted to stop more than anything in the world. And I haven't had a drink since then. If you want to, you can. You really can, right?" – Robin (08:57)
• On Being an Enabler vs. Being Kind:
  "You don't have to be abused, no matter what the reason, whether he can't control it or not." – Dr. Laura (12:31)
• On Letting Go:
  "I don't want this to be a detour to protect yourself." – Dr. Laura (13:56)
• Robin’s Relief:
  "Okay, I'm, I'm going to go with that." – Robin (14:45)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Robin’s Life and Marriages: 00:58–04:59
• Sobriety and Personal Growth: 08:11–09:05
• Description of the Sick Friend: 09:06–10:58
• Diagnosis and Robin’s Support Role: 11:03–12:05
• The Dilemma—Confronting Anger and Abuse: 12:10–12:43
• Boundary Advice from Dr. Laura: 12:45–14:22
• Resolution—Robin Accepts Dr. Laura’s Guidance: 14:32–14:53

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Overall Tone and Takeaways

Dr. Laura and Robin’s exchange is deeply compassionate and honest. Both bravely discuss painful pasts, major life transformations, and the difficult ethics of supporting loved ones in crisis when it comes at a personal cost. Dr. Laura, true to form, emphasizes personal responsibility balanced with self-care and the necessity for healthy boundaries—even when guilt and empathy might urge otherwise. For listeners, it’s an instructive look at navigating loyalty, limits, and the courage to choose oneself in emotionally taxing situations.

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Transcript

[Caller (Robin)]

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[Caller (Robin)]

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[Dr. Laura]

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[Dr. Laura]

Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Robin welcome to the program.

[Caller (Robin)]

Hi, Dr. Laura. Hi. So I called yesterday. I got a voice recording about. I was just upset at the moment, and so I was not expecting to get a call back today. My thoughts have. I guess they're still confused. But the reason I called is I have a friend who I was engaged to maybe eight to ten years ago. And.

[Dr. Laura]

Did you say I have a son?

[Caller (Robin)]

A friend.

[Dr. Laura]

A friend. Okay. Friend that you knew in the. Yeah. So are you widowed or divorced?

[Caller (Robin)]

I'm divorced.

[Dr. Laura]

Are you? Okay. How long have you been divorced?

[Caller (Robin)]

Maybe 12 years. 12 years.

[Dr. Laura]

And is that the only divorce?

[Caller (Robin)]

No, I was married twice.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. So the two divorces largely came from what problems?

[Caller (Robin)]

I would say I married very young and I was in absolutely no shape to get married. I am not saying this as an excuse, but I was from a family. I think There were already 11 marriages between my parents. There was a lot of trauma, and I desperately wanted love and a family. And I was young and naive and thought that I loved somebody, I could do it. And. And I. And.

[Dr. Laura]

Why didn't it work?

[Caller (Robin)]

I would say that I was not capable. I mean, I can only talk on my part. I had a lot of problems, and I think that he did not know how to handle him. I can't blame him. He was a child, too. And the good news is he's like a brother in my family. He stayed a part of the family and we had two daughters. They're doing great. And we've made the best of a not good situation.

[Dr. Laura]

I think that was well described. Thank you. How about the second one? What happened that one?

[Caller (Robin)]

I was older and I thought that I was really ready. I Interesting. With the last caller, I got sober and I met him about a year later and I believed in my heart that I was ready. And I look back on it now. A year of sobriety isn't very much going on three decades now, but at the time it felt like a lot. And now I do know better. I think your advice about not blending families, I understand where you're coming from now. It's not, it's. It's incredibly difficult and it was overwhelmingly difficult. And, and I feel I don't take those marriages lightly at all because I do value marriage. I'm aware of that. I fell short on something that I value and I recognize that it hurt other people and I live with that.

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[Dr. Laura]

You are an exceptionally honest, kind woman.

[Caller (Robin)]

Well, thank you.

[Dr. Laura]

So where are we today?

[Caller (Robin)]

So today. Well, as far as like the past insanity and trauma of my childhood, I'd say I'm in a better place than I really ever imagined I could be. Just freedom. Just freedom and from where I had been. And I do credit sobriety to that. And I totally agree with you about if he doesn't want to stop because I walked into one AA meeting after my kids caught me drinking and I wanted to stop more than anything in the world. And I haven't had a drink since then. If you want to, you can. You really can, right?

[Dr. Laura]

Thank you.

[Caller (Robin)]

And I wanted to. So I was in a relationship relationship and I saw signs. I ended it with this man because one, he was financially very irresponsible with ways that he led his life. And I'm much more cautious and conservative and grown up about finances and life. And the other one is I saw that he would be 90% of the time, fine, and then he would have these outbursts of anger out of nowhere. And he showed me that he had the capacity to be incredibly cruel. And so I ended it. We didn't talk for a while, but I saw him and we became friends. Not best friends, but he was somebody that I could almost say like a brother. There was a relationship and he perceived.

[Dr. Laura]

You as a sister. I mean, do you believe that was reciprocal?

[Caller (Robin)]

I perceived him as a brother. He knew that there was no chance of us getting back together, but we moved into a friendship.

[Dr. Laura]

And what about these cruelty attacks?

[Caller (Robin)]

Well, he was not a close friend. He Was somebody that I knew and I live alone. And if like a water pipe burst, he was willing to help me and we would talk. But there were limits. I kept him at somewhat.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, I got it. So what's the problem Today?

[Caller (Robin)]

He was diagnosed on Father's Day with glioblastoma. And it's a death sentence. There's no cure. And I showed up. It was an emergency situation. He has a sister and brother in law and he was in the hospital and he couldn't communicate well. So between the three of us, we always had somebody there to help him communicate. And I was happy to do that. I've been in a hospital. I've gone through things. I think it's important to have somebody with you. Since he couldn't communicate.

[Dr. Laura]

Is he in hospice? Are we looking for imminent demise or something else?

[Caller (Robin)]

It's hard to say. It can be six months. It could be a year. I don't think it's.

[Dr. Laura]

So are you committed to the whole process until he passes?

[Caller (Robin)]

I was. And I don't know if I am anymore. He's living with his sister.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah. And what's changed?

[Caller (Robin)]

Well, what changed is the anger. And that ugly part of him is all I'm seeing now. When.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. Robin. Robin.

[Caller (Robin)]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

You were very kind. He's being taken care of. You don't have to be abused, no matter what the reason, whether he can't control it or not.

[Caller (Robin)]

I am aware that I don't.

[Dr. Laura]

You can. You can walk away now and get back into your life. I worry about. Part of your thought process is I. I don't have anybody. I don't know that I'll ever have anybody. So at least I'm invested, involved, doing something nice.

[Caller (Robin)]

Well, I genuinely do like to show up for people, and within the AA community, yes.

[Dr. Laura]

However, I do not think you should show up for people abusing. No matter what the reason is.

[Caller (Robin)]

I think. I think you're right. And I don't know why that's. That's difficult. I do hate to see a person suffer. I.

[Dr. Laura]

Nothing you can do about it. He is going to die. You were helpful being taken. Ma', am, he's. Ma', am, he's. Your argument would hold water if nobody was taking care of him. He's with family.

[Caller (Robin)]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Get on with your life. I don't want this to be a detour to protect yourself.

[Caller (Robin)]

Okay. I think you're right. That feels. I'd like to believe. Well, I. You know, his family saying, oh, it's the tumor, but they may not have.

[Dr. Laura]

No, you you were there. He's just worse because of the situation. But he was always like, so, yeah, you don't have to explain that to them. You just need to get on with your life. Thank them very much for everything they're doing to take care of him. Compliment them up one side and down the other.

[Caller (Robin)]

Okay, I'm, I'm going to go with that.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, Robin, you take good care. Thank you for calling. Thank you for being so honest and Open my number. 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media on Facebook and Instagram. I post stories, photos and videos seven days a week week and feature some of what you sent me, too. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com drlaura and instagram.com DrLauraProgram.

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