My Husband Caught Me Flirting

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day

Episode: My Husband Caught Me Flirting
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: October 19, 2025

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Overview

In this episode, Dr. Laura takes a candid call from Kelly, a longtime listener struggling with the aftermath of her husband's discovery that she was flirting with another man during a recent family trip to Europe. The episode focuses on personal responsibility, honesty in marriage, and the underlying needs that can drive damaging behavior. Dr. Laura brings her trademark directness, guiding Kelly through a no-excuses self-examination and offering actionable steps toward healing and reconnection with her spouse.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Initial Confession and Accountability

• Kelly describes a European vacation where she flirted with the private tour guide and her husband saw it.
• She claims it "wasn't intentional" and didn't mean to hurt her husband.
• Dr. Laura immediately rejects this, refusing to let Kelly minimize or rationalize her actions:
  • "Stop. Cut the crap. You can't get that past me. You knew exactly what you're doing." (01:49)
• Dr. Laura emphasizes the universal norm against humiliating one's spouse and rebukes Kelly's attempt to claim innocence in the pain caused.

2. Exploring Underlying Motives and Marital Dynamics

• Dr. Laura probes the deeper marital dissatisfaction that could lead Kelly to seek attention from another man.
  • "You didn't mind hurting him because it made you feel good to have a man be interested in you in front of your husband. You got off on that." (02:46)
• Kelly is initially evasive ("I'm not sure"), but Dr. Laura pushes her to make concrete statements instead of hiding behind confusion.
• The conversation highlights how unresolved issues and unmet needs within a marriage can manifest in destructive behavior, even if subconsciously motivated.

3. Directing Towards Honesty and Clarity

• Dr. Laura instructs Kelly to stop denial and excuses, and instead, directly acknowledge the message her flirting was meant to send her husband.
  • "You're not ever going to make headway with him if you're going to keep on the 'I didn't mean to hurt you.' That's just crap." (07:00)

4. Practical Exercise: Identifying Unmet Needs & Desired Attentions

• Dr. Laura asks Kelly to list specifically:
  • The needs she feels are not being met in her marriage
  • What actions from her husband would make her feel attended to and valued
• After a brief break (ads skipped), Kelly shares her list (11:10):
  • Needs/Requests:
    • Hugs and affection upon coming home
    • Catching her eye and smiling during the day
    • More intimacy (non-sexual, e.g., hand-holding, kissing)
    • More shared activities and playfulness in the relationship

5. Context and Shared Responsibility

• Kelly reveals that these positive interactions did exist at the beginning of the marriage, but "life got in the way," particularly with two children and the unique challenges one child presented.
• Dr. Laura points out that these unmet needs and habits are likely being felt by both spouses, not just Kelly:
  • "He's missing all of this, too...this is the fix for both of you, not just you." (14:38)

6. Path to Reconciliation and Ownership

• Dr. Laura recommends playing back their conversation to Kelly's husband to foster honest dialogue:
  • "If you're willing to give your email address, I will have them send the audio from our conversation and you play it with him a few times and then you talk about it." (14:05)
• She ends with a strong reminder that progress requires honesty:
  • "Have to get somebody to admit to things before we can move on." (15:14)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dr. Laura's Unfiltered Directness:
  • "In some countries it would have been justifiable to stone you. Do you understand that it's kind of universal that you don't cut off your husband's penis? You don't castrate him by behaving in this way." (01:59)
  • "I don't answer the questions, I ask them." (04:09)
• Kelly’s Honest Admission:
  • "I think I didn't mind hurting you because I wanted to give you a message. And the message is... that I'm lacking attention. Some of the needs that are not being addressed." (07:27)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:03] — Kelly introduces her situation (European vacation, the flirting incident)
• [01:49] — Dr. Laura calls out rationalization and denial
• [02:46] — Exploring underlying motivations for Kelly’s behavior
• [05:02] — Dr. Laura poses the scenario: confronting the guide, protecting her husband's feelings
• [07:00] — Push for full ownership and rejection of "I didn't mean to" excuses
• [11:10] — Kelly shares her written list of missing needs and desired attention
• [13:20] — Kelly discusses marriage history and life getting in the way
• [14:05] — Dr. Laura recommends using the recording to spur honest conversation
• [14:38] — Emphasizing that both spouses are missing affection and connection

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Conclusion & Actionable Takeaways

• Radical Honesty is Essential: Dr. Laura systematically dismantles excuses to force real ownership of hurtful actions in relationships.
• Identify and Express Needs Clearly: Listing unmet needs and preferred forms of affection provides tangible next steps for couples.
• Mutual Responsibility: Both partners often suffer from missing warmth and connection but may become caught in a downward spiral of frustration and withdrawal.
• Tools for Repair: Sharing and discussing the candid conversation can be the start of open, honest dialogue and a pathway toward rebuilding intimacy and trust.

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Episode Mood: Direct, intense, but ultimately constructive, aiming to break through denial and reopen channels of healthy communication.
Recommended For: Listeners interested in marriage repair, accountability, and the power of truth-telling in relationships.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Kelly welcome to the program.

[Caller Kelly]

Hello Dr. Laura. Thank you so much for taking my call.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Thank you.

[Caller Kelly]

I have been listening to you for years and I value your opinions and your advice. I never thought I'd be calling in myself. So my husband and I just this past week went on a vacation to Europe with family and the two of us and, and we had a private guide who drove us to the different locations we were going to. And he also stayed with us for meals and stayed at the hotels where we were at. He was flirting with me and I guess I was flirting back. It wasn't intentional. I did not mean to hurt my.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Don't. Stop. Cut the crap. You can't get that past me. You knew exactly what you're doing.

[Caller Kelly]

Okay, so.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

And in some countries, in some countries it would have been justifiable to stone you. Do you understand that it's kind of universal that you don't cut off your husband's penis. You don't castrate him by behaving in this way. That was awful.

[Caller Kelly]

Okay?

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

And don't use excuses. I didn't mean to hurt him. Don't lie you didn't care if it hurt him.

[Caller Kelly]

Okay? I needed to hear that response to validate how he is feeling. I wanted to know what you would say about it because we're struggling with this.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Well, one of the reasons you're struggling is you're lying. You're not telling him the truth. You're denying the truth. And the truth is you didn't mind hurting him because it make you feel good to have a man be interested in you in front of your husband. You got off on that. So my question is, what the hell's been going on in this marriage that you got off on that?

[Caller Kelly]

Yeah, I. I'm not sure.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Okay. I can't help you if you're going to play the not sure.

[Caller Kelly]

If I say I'm not sure. I guess we've had ups and downs in our marriage.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

I don't mean the ups and downs. A woman who is okay flaunting that another man is interested in her has certain feelings about her. Her husband. Him not being strong, sexy, caretaking, wealthy enough.

[Caller Kelly]

I see what you're saying. And he's not any. I mean, he's. He's handsome. He's a hard worker. Okay, so. And he.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

I really did want to help you. I really want to help you. I.

[Caller Kelly]

So what are you saying? That in my head, I'm feeling that some. Something is lacking from him that I'm not getting.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

I don't answer the questions, I ask them.

[Caller Kelly]

Okay. Okay. Well, that could be it then, is that I guess I feel that he's there, but maybe I needed a little bit more in.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Don't. Don't ask me a question. Make statements. Don't ask good questions.

[Caller Kelly]

So I needed. I needed more attention, but I didn't. I really did not feel like. I know you're saying I did. So, yes, I did. I did it intentionally, but a little bit unaware of it as well. In retrospect, looking back, I'm thinking, wow, if I really realized.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

If you were that concerned about your husband's feelings the first time the guy flirted with you, you would have asked your husband to get rid of him.

[Caller Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

I'm not even buying. Why did he keep this guy around? Why did he keep this guy around?

[Caller Kelly]

He couldn't. He couldn't not keep him around. We were in the middle of nowhere and he was our guy driving our family. So he says that I should have said to the guide, this is not appropriate. I'm here with my husband.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Anything else I can help you with?

[Caller Kelly]

No, I.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

You had a problem in your marriage before this took place.

[Caller Kelly]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Whether you were justified or not, you. You were pissed off at him.

[Caller Kelly]

Okay, I. I agree with you. We've had. We've had difficulties, but I did. I know you said. I did really not want to hurt him. That was not my intention.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Yes, it was.

[Caller Kelly]

It was.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Yeah. It was a message to him. This is how a man treats me. This is how a man treats me, and this is how I respond. It was a lesson. So I don't know if you're justified. This bit of giving me attention. I mean, a woman with kids who has a house to Take care of. Maybe a part time job is usually not paying much attention to her husband either. But that's an understanding in marriages that we have all these other things. But some guy you meet on the road flirting and you flirting back. There are no other circumstances. And so you let go into that. So you have a lot of talking to do. But first, stop with the denial and tell him the truth. You're not ever going to make headway with him if you're going to keep on the I didn't mean to hurt you. That's just crap.

[Caller Kelly]

Okay?

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

So if you want him to start believing you and working with you on this marriage, you got to say the truth. Yeah, I think I didn't mind hurting you because I wanted to give you a message. And the message is. What's the message?

[Caller Kelly]

The message is that I'm lacking attention. Some of the needs that are not being addressed.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Okay, I'm going to take a break and I come back and during the break I, I'd like you to write down what needs has your husband not been addressing. Write down two or three of them and what ways would he be showing attention would satisfy you. So two or three for each of those. And I'll be right back with you. Gonna take a break.

[Caller Kelly]

Okay.

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[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

All right, Kelly, you ready for me?

[Caller Kelly]

I am. I hope I did this according to your instructions. I started writing and I said oops, what did. I knew there were two categories you gave me, but I did write a bunch of things down.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

What needs were not being met and how spending more time with you, giving you more attention would look like. So which one do you want to start with?

[Caller Kelly]

Okay, I'm going to go through my list.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Are we starting with needs or attention?

[Caller Kelly]

They somewhat are similar. For example, I'll read the first one. When you come home from work, it would be nice for you to come hug me and tell me you missed me. During the day, it would be nice for you just to catch my eyes sometimes to simply smile at me. I would love more intimacy in our marriage. I would love.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Does that mean sex? Woohoo. Does that mean sex?

[Caller Kelly]

It does not mean.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Then what do you mean by intimacy? What do you want him to do that would show intimacy?

[Caller Kelly]

Reach out and hold my hand sometimes or. Or just kiss me. To kiss me. Like sex is one thing. Intimacy I feel like is what goes around it that makes you closer. The little things. Okay. And I would love to do more activities together. I feel like we have many separate interests that don't overlap. So. And more playfulness in the marriage. It's we've been married, it will be 30 years next year and so it becomes.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

So give me an example. Playfulness. Give me an example of playfulness.

[Caller Kelly]

You know, I think probably when I said just catch my eyes sometimes just to smile at me across the room or like a Four out. You know, just knowing that he's happy that I'm there with him and that he's recognizing me across the table, that I kind of feel like is a little bit of feeling of playfulness.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Now, did he do this sort of stuff? All this list you gave me, six wonderful things. When you were dating and early on in the marriage, did it go like this?

[Caller Kelly]

Yes. Yes. And I just feel like over time, we've.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Life.

[Caller Kelly]

Life. Life got in the way. We have two children. One of them has been a little bit challenging over the years, so that definitely has caused issues between the two of us. Not on a regular basis, but definitely issues. Conflicts arose from dealing with him.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Okay, thank you. This is perfect. This is beautiful.

[Caller Kelly]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

This was exactly what I needed. And this. I'm. I. If you're willing to give your email address, I will have them send the audio from our conversation and you play it with him a few times and then you talk about it.

[Caller Kelly]

Okay. All right.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

I can. While you were flirting, you were fed up, and this was up your nose. Up your nose.

[Caller Kelly]

Yeah. But I don't know if he's going to want to hear this because he's very angry about it.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

I understand that. But in this, I got you to admit you did want to hurt him. I think his anger is largely based on the fact that you're not owning.

[Caller Kelly]

Is because he keeps asking me why. Why?

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

And now we have a list of why. We have a list of how to fix it, what we're missing. And he's missing this, too. He's missing a hug when he comes home. He's missing catching eyes and smiling, which is flirting. He. He's missing the physical touching. He's missing the kisses. He's missing the activities together versus separate. He's missing the playfulness. He's missing all of this, too. So when he listens to this, let him realize this is the fix for both of you, not just you.

[Caller Kelly]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

I'm putting you on.

[Caller Kelly]

Thank you, Dr. Laura.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

You're very welcome. So we can. And thank you for staying for the first part, which is when I was yelling at you. Have to get that part done. Have to get somebody to admit to things before we can move on. You know what I'm saying? We do. I'm Dr. Laura Schlesinger. My number. 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media on Facebook and Instagram. I post stories, photos and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you sent me, too. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com drlaura or and instagram.com drlauraprogram.

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