My Kids Won't Come Home for the Holidays

Summary

Podcast Summary: "My Kids Won't Come Home for the Holidays"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Dr. Laura Call of the Day
• Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
• Platform: SiriusXM Triumph 111
• Episode: My Kids Won't Come Home for the Holidays
• Release Date: August 3, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of Dr. Laura Call of the Day, Carol reaches out to Dr. Laura with a heartfelt dilemma concerning her grown children and the difficulty she faces in uniting her family for the holidays. Through a candid conversation, Dr. Laura offers insights and practical advice aimed at fostering family harmony and addressing underlying tensions.

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Listener's Background and Situation

[01:18] Carol:
Carol introduces herself as a devoted wife and mother of four adult children aged 40, 38, 36, and 34, comprising two girls and two boys. She highlights a supportive marriage of 43 years, contrasting it with a challenging childhood marked by the early loss of both parents. Despite these hardships, Carol has built a successful family dynamic, with three of her children excelling in their careers. However, she observes significant discord among her children, preventing them from coming together for family gatherings.

Key Points:

• Family Structure: Four adult children, supportive marriage.
• Personal History: Lost both parents early, leading to feelings of weakness overcome by her husband.
• Children's Achievements: Three out of four have successful careers; one is a recovering addict clean for three and a half years.
• Current Issue: Siblings do not get along, avoiding family gatherings and events.

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Exploring the Root Causes

Dr. Laura delves deeper to understand the underlying issues that have strained the siblings' relationships.

[03:03] Dr. Laura:
"Well, wait a minute. When you started having them, what was happening between them in early years?"

[03:09] Carol:
Carol reminisces about the harmonious early years, questioning what could have caused the deterioration of bonds, dismissing factors like politics or religion, and instead citing pettiness and jealousy.

[03:24] Key Insights:

• Initial Harmony: Siblings had an idyllic childhood with strong bonds.
• Current Strain: Transitioned to pettiness and jealousy, not due to major ideological differences.
• Specific Issues: Carol mentions incidents like replacing a damaged plant to avoid conflict, reflecting her tendency to maintain peace at the expense of addressing issues directly.

Notable Quote: "We had the best time." – Carol reflecting on the early harmonious family dynamics. [03:09]

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Detailed Family Dynamics

Carol provides specific examples of the tensions between her children, particularly focusing on the relationships between her sons.

[08:35] Dr. Laura:
"Give me two of the kids and tell me what they don't like about each other. Just give me some examples of what's going on."

[08:35] Carol:
She describes the discord between her two sons:

• Son 1: A successful fireman with his own house and a stable relationship.
• Son 2: A recovering addict who has been clean for three and a half years.

The successful son harbors resentment towards the recovering brother, feeling betrayed by their past closeness and subsequent fallout.

Key Points:

• Successful Son's Perspective: Frustration and distancing from the recovering brother.
• Oldest Daughter: No issues with the recovering son; her conflicts are with the successful brother.
• Underlying Theme: Miscommunication and unresolved emotions from past relationships.

Notable Quote: "I think you need to be grateful that they'll all interact." – Dr. Laura emphasizing the importance of positive interactions despite conflicts. [10:14]

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Dr. Laura's Advice and Strategy

Dr. Laura offers actionable advice to Carol, encouraging her to take a firm stand in uniting her family by extending open invitations without conditioning them based on their interactions.

[10:19] Dr. Laura:
"I think it's about time you say to your kids, I'm not playing this game anymore. You're all invited. If you don't show up, so be it." [13:05]

Advice Given:

1. Open Invitation: Extend unconditional invitations to family members without stipulating who attends based on relationships.
2. Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate that ongoing conflicts should not dictate family gatherings.
3. Personal Responsibility: Encourage Carol to prioritize her desire for family unity over trying to manage her children's interpersonal issues.
4. Firmness: Maintain authority by not catering to the children's preferences or pettiness.

Notable Quote: "Nobody's done anything evil to anybody... I'm not catering to your preferences about each other anymore." – Dr. Laura reinforcing the need for Carol to set boundaries and not enable pettiness. [14:00]

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Carol's Commitment to Change

Inspired by Dr. Laura's guidance, Carol expresses determination to implement the advice, acknowledging the difficulty but recognizing the necessity of change.

[14:00] Carol:
"I agree with you 100%. I just didn't." [14:26]

Commitment Highlighted:

• Carol vows to follow through with Dr. Laura's recommendations, indicating a plan to assertively invite her children without accommodating their conflicts.

Notable Quote: "I am going to listen to you. I'm not playing this." – Carol committing to Dr. Laura's strategy. [14:34]

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Conclusion and Follow-Up

Dr. Laura expresses skepticism about Carol's ability to adhere to the advice but ultimately supports her determination. She encourages Carol to report back on her progress, providing contact information for ongoing support.

[14:34] - [15:10] Dr. Laura:
Final remarks emphasize the importance of Carol taking control of the family dynamics and not allowing petty conflicts to hinder family unity.

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Key Takeaways

• Addressing Family Tensions: Open, unconditional invitations can help bridge gaps between estranged family members.
• Setting Boundaries: It's essential to establish and maintain personal boundaries to promote healthy relationships.
• Personal Responsibility: As the family matriarch, Carol's role in fostering unity is pivotal.
• Commitment to Change: Taking decisive action, even when difficult, can lead to improved family dynamics.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• "We had the best time." – Carol reflecting on early family harmony. [03:09]
• "I think you need to be grateful that they'll all interact." – Dr. Laura on appreciating positive interactions. [10:14]
• "Nobody's done anything evil to anybody... I'm not catering to your preferences about each other anymore." – Dr. Laura on setting firm boundaries. [14:00]
• "I am going to listen to you. I'm not playing this." – Carol's commitment to change. [14:34]

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This episode provides a compelling exploration of familial relationships and the challenges of maintaining unity amidst personal conflicts. Dr. Laura's no-nonsense approach empowers listeners like Carol to take meaningful steps toward healing and strengthening their family bonds.

Transcript

[Dr. Laura]

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[Carol]

Hello Dr. Laura. How are you this afternoon?

[Dr. Laura]

I'm good. How are you?

[Carol]

I'm very well, thank you. I just have a question on how to handle my family. I have four lovely children. 40, 38, 36 and 34. Two girls, two boys. I've been married 43 years to my best supportive friend. And yes, and yeah, I'm his girlfriend and I make him the first priority as he does me. So we're very blessed. My parents died early. I had a dysfunctional childhood. My dad died when I was 15 and my mom hopped in the grave with him and we buried her 11 years later. So that this was before I was married. So I am a weak weenie. My husband has toughened me up over the years and I've always wanted my own little family, my own little empire since I, I didn't have that growing up. Now they're all grown up. Three out of the four of them have successful careers, make more money than my husband and I ever did. One is a recovering addict. He's been clean for three and a half years. He's putting his life together and doing beautifully. But my children don't get along. They have these lame excuses. They just don't want to be in the same get together, the same house. We don't have an extended family. My husband's an early child. I have one.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, wait a minute. When you started having them, what was happening between them in early years?

[Carol]

Oh, they were wonderful everything was great. It was idyllic with them growing up. We had the best time.

[Dr. Laura]

What could destroy those bonds? Politics? Religion?

[Carol]

No, no, no. Very much pettiness and I think some jealousy. They're all good to me and I'm good to them individually. The youngest one was a travel nurse. She moved and she traveled and she settled in west and she's happy as a clam and I was heartbroken when she moved cross country and we had a good relationship for a couple years. But I guess I had a hard time accepting that she was never coming home and she didn't like it here, she didn't like the medical system here at home and she's not coming back. And I guess we were text messaging each other and I've always sort of been a weenie and let them get away with things that I probably should have been a little more what?

[Dr. Laura]

What do you mean you let them get away with? What kind of stuff are you talking.

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[Carol]

Nothing earth shattering. For example, if I had my daughter's dog here while she was traveling and the dog chewed. My son was still living here and he chewed her. His. The dog chewed. Instead of me saying, hey travel nurse, you need to like replace this plant because it chewed your brother's. It chewed your brother's plant. I'd run out just to keep peace and I'd replace the plant. I was just too much of an easy weenie. And I'm sorry that I did because I think I really spoiled them and doing things and now where we're at, they don't, like I was telling your screener, like at Christmas time, they don't all want to come to the house at the same time. And I get it, they all have crazy work schedules, but they won't come and spend the holidays together. I want to have my Norman Rockwell family sitting around the table singing Kumbaya and it's not happening. And I know I'm just using that facetiously, but. And I know in real life that families have drama.

[Dr. Laura]

Give me two of the kids and tell me what they don't like about each other. Just give me some examples of what's going on.

[Carol]

Okay. The two boys. One is successful, he's a fireman. He has his own house. He has a wonderful relationship with a girlfriend. He bought me my own car for Christmas four years ago, a brand new car sitting in the driveway. He's great. He's much like his father, very thick skinned. And I'm like I said, I'm the weenie type. I cry at homework commercials while the fireman does not like the one who was the addict who's recovering. And I put on my Dr. Laura hat and I said, I think that he doesn't like the recovering addict because they were so close when they were young. They were 21 months apart from that. It broke the fireman's heart. Now he says, like, he doesn't even want to be any part of his life. He won't even come over to my.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, so. Okay, so that the two sons, the successful one doesn't want to be with the addict. Is that the same thing? The daughters not want to be with the addict, or they don't want to be with each other, or they don't want to be with the firemen. So just tell me how this works.

[Carol]

The oldest daughter, it has no problem with the addict. The recovering.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, who does the oldest daughter have a problem with?

[Carol]

The fireman.

[Dr. Laura]

Because in one sentence. One sentence. Because.

[Carol]

Because they are so similar. It's unbelievable. The way they think, the way they act, the way they shop for.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, well, unless I had them all in a room for a month, I don't think I'll make any headway here. So I'm sorry you're not going to have your Norman Rockwell, but it sounds like one at a time you can interact with all your kids, which is more than I can say for a lot of people. So I think you need to be grateful that they'll all interact.

[Carol]

I'm very grateful.

[Dr. Laura]

Interact with you and give up the Norman Rockwell thing? It's not going to happen.

[Carol]

All right, here's the latest dilemma. Dr. Laura.

[Dr. Laura]

No. Okay. I'm not going to be able to fix this. So I don't know where you want to go with this.

[Carol]

I want you to tell me how I can handle this.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. What?

[Carol]

I just retired. We bought some property at a campground, and it's really nice. The kids all came up at different times and helped us clean it. It was a mess. It was neglected. It's beautiful now. So they all have an open invitation to come up. It's a really neat place with swimming and activities, and I don't care for.

[Dr. Laura]

A travel log of it. Just tell me what the situation is.

[Carol]

Okay. This weekend, my fireman said, oh, I'm going to try to get off Saturday and come up because it's Christmas in July. I said, great. The recovering addict texted me and said, hey, if that invitation still stands, I'd like to come up. I said, sure. Everybody's welcome anytime we are. Camper sleeps 10.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, then what's the question?

[Carol]

The fireman is so upset with me, he is livid that I told the recovering addict to come up this weekend.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay.

[Carol]

I told you I was coming up. I do so much for you and I still want in return.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, so how. What's. What is your priority? Just tell me the priority.

[Carol]

Not to have to. I don't want to have to deal with these personalities. Don't want to be around each other.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, then this is how I would recommend you do it. And I doubt you will listen to me.

[Carol]

Oh, not necessarily.

[Dr. Laura]

No, I doubt you will listen to me. Especially when you let. When you have a husband and you let a grown kid buy you a car. That was a bit of a message. Okay, moving right along. Moving right along.

[Carol]

Tell me what that message was.

[Dr. Laura]

Forget it. I'm taking it back. I'm going to respond only to your question. I think it's about time you say to your kids, I'm not playing this game anymore. You're all invited. If you don't show up, so be it.

[Carol]

Okay?

[Dr. Laura]

I'm not going to report to any of you who's coming and who's not. For Christmas, for Christmas in July, for anything. If you want to enjoy this place we got, you'll stuff all that nonsense you do about I won't be in the same room or you won't be there. And I don't care.

[Carol]

I'm right. I do shorthand. And I'm writing this on. And I am going to listen to you. I'm not playing this.

[Dr. Laura]

You're never going to do this. You are not going to do this. I don't believe you will.

[Carol]

I will call you. I will call you in several weeks and I'm going to tell you how it goes. Because you know what? I want to do it, but I don't know how to do it.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay?

[Carol]

If you don't show up, so be it.

[Dr. Laura]

Give me. So be it. I'll miss you, but I'm not catering to your preferences about each other anymore. Get over yourselves. Nobody's done anything evil to anybody.

[Carol]

Right?

[Dr. Laura]

Nobody's done anything evil to anybody. Because if that had happened, then I wouldn't allow that person in my home. But there's been no evil. They're just petty crap. And I'm not playing the game anymore. So I'm not going to tell you who's going to be where. If you want to come, come. If you come and make a fuss that somebody else is there and you're mad you won't be invited again.

[Carol]

Who? Am I going to be able to hear this where I can write this down? Because I agree with you 100%. I just didn't.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, I tell you what. I'm going to put you on hold. They'll send you a copy and I'll want proof that you did it. My number 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media on Facebook and Instagram. I post stories, photos and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you've sent me, too. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com drlaura and instagram.com drlauraprogram.

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