My Wife Met a Man in AA

Summary

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The Dr. Laura Podcast

Episode: My Wife Met a Man in AA
Date: January 19, 2026
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Main Caller: Renee's Husband

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Episode Overview

This episode centers on a caller struggling with the aftermath of mutual infidelity and addiction in his 25-year marriage. The caller describes a painful cycle of separation, relapse, and attempts at reconciliation following his wife's affair with a man she met at Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). Dr. Laura cuts through his emotional confusion to challenge his motivations and guide him toward clarity about his marital obligations.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Marital History and Pattern of Betrayal (01:32 – 06:25)

• Caller (Renee’s Husband, 43):
  • Married for 25 years; both spouses have had affairs.
  • Wife struggled with alcoholism and had an affair with someone she met at AA after a court order.
  • Caller acknowledges his own past affairs and drug use “in his wild years.”
• Key Events:
  • After wife’s affair, and her asking for a divorce, caller moved out.
  • He started a relationship with another compatible woman during their separation.
  • Wife reaches back out, wanting to reconcile, expressing confusion and ending her affair.
  • Caller alternates between his wife and new woman, feeling torn and uncertain.

2. Dr. Laura Confronts the Caller’s Real Motives (06:25 – 09:33)

• Dr. Laura's Intervention:
  • Quote:

    “When you say, ‘I don’t want to lose my wife to another man.’ That’s not the same thing as wanting her. That’s just being competitive.” (06:25)

  • Challenges caller to distinguish between not wanting to lose his wife and actually wanting her for who she is.
  • Questions if his desire is rooted in envy rather than genuine love or commitment.
  • Quote:

    “Some reason is a bullshit thing people say because they don’t want to face certain uncomfortable realities.” (06:38)

  • Asserts that facing uncomfortable truth is critical for genuine resolution.

3. Dr. Laura Demands Directness—Wants vs. Commitment (09:30 – 10:22)

• Dr. Laura presses for clarity:
  • Makes the caller answer whether his relationship with his wife now meets the promises of marriage: affection, attention, consideration.
  • Quote:

    “When you look at the relationship with her, are all those things somehow magically back? No more cold shoulders, affectionate, thoughtful, concerned about you? Is that what you’re experiencing? Yes or no?” (09:55)

• Caller’s Response:
  • Claims his wife is now affectionate, sober, making an effort to be present.

4. Dr. Laura’s Moral Challenge (10:22 – 12:20)

• Dr. Laura’s Guidance:
  • Emphasizes the importance of honoring marital vows above self-indulgence.
  • Points out both spouses’ past “crappy” behaviors, but notes a new opportunity for real change and commitment.
  • Quote:

    “You have a moral obligation based on your vows to spend the time on that opportunity without distracting yourself with hours on a phone call with a woman who doesn’t know what it’s been like dealing with you for a quarter of a century.” (10:22)

  • Calls out the new woman’s willingness to be involved with a married man as problematic.
  • Insists that if the caller truly wants his wife, he must focus on her, terminate distractions, and follow through on his vows—“That’s all I’m going to say. That’s not anything we can argue or debate about. You said she’s worth wanting. Now. I’m holding you to that.” (11:54)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dr. Laura (06:25):

  “When you say, ‘I don’t want to lose my wife to another man.’ That’s not the same thing as wanting her. That’s just being competitive.”

• Dr. Laura (06:38):

  “Some reason is a bullshit thing people say because they don’t want to face certain uncomfortable realities.”

• Dr. Laura (09:55):

  “When you look at the relationship with her, are all those things somehow magically back? No more cold shoulders, affectionate, thoughtful, concerned about you? Is that what you’re experiencing? Yes or no?”

• Dr. Laura (10:22):

  “You have a moral obligation based on your vows to spend the time on that opportunity without distracting yourself with hours on a phone call with a woman who doesn’t know what it’s been like dealing with you for a quarter of a century.”

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Important Timestamps

• 01:32 – 06:25: Caller describes marital history, cycles of infidelity, addiction, and emotional confusion.
• 06:25 – 07:16: Dr. Laura challenges caller’s logic—differentiating competitiveness from real desire.
• 09:30 – 10:22: Focus on whether the relationship with wife meets marital ideals now.
• 10:22 – 12:20: Dr. Laura’s firm advice—focus on the marriage, eliminate distractions, honor vows.

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Tone & Takeaway

Dr. Laura stays direct, no-nonsense, and confrontational when necessary. She refuses to validate excuses, forcing the caller to confront whether he genuinely wants his wife or simply can’t tolerate losing her. Her advice is blunt, rooted in morality and personal responsibility, making it clear that honoring marital vows should come before seeking comfort in outside relationships.

For listeners:
This episode is a bracing look at the difference between true commitment and emotional ego, the dangers of blurring escape with connection, and the non-negotiable obligation to honor one’s marriage if real change is to happen. Dr. Laura’s signature approach delivers tough love, stripping away pretense to push for honest self-examination and dedicated action.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura]

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[Caller (Renee's Husband)]

Hi Dr. Laura.

[Dr. Laura]

Hi.

[Caller (Renee's Husband)]

I'm 40. I'm 43 years of age. My wife's 43. We've been together about 25 years. 18 years ago she, we. She had an affair and I, we worked it out. Well, we separated a year after that and we worked it out some way somehow. I used. When I was in my 20s, I was. I had affair. One affair or two that she found out about. I was on drugs and it was my wild years, which I admit it was not. It's not right. For the last 10 years she's been dealing with alcoholism. Well, she was just drinking. Sometimes it would get out of hand. And last year we had an altercation at the house and anyway, she went to jail and judge ordered her to go to aa. While she was in aa, she got in, she met a guy and she got in a relationship with him. This is, this is December, November, October, November, December. She's in AA, met this guy last year. I mean 2024. On January of last year I left the house because I couldn't take anymore. She was giving the cold shoulder she wanted a divorce. I caught her with the guy. So she wanted, she wanted a divorce. She didn't want nothing to do with me anymore, wanted her half. So I just couldn't take it anymore. She was giving a cold shoulder every day. So I said, why you want divorce? She said, I haven't been happy and I don't think I love you anymore. Blah, blah, blah. So I ended up moving with my brothers. My brother got an rv. I was really depressed, you know, just doing bad. And I got it. That was January. In January, I started talking to another lady, same age. We connected. Wonderful person, very compatible to the way I think. So this is January, February of last year. About March, my wife reached out to me. Say she, she started to have some doubt. She was confused. She broke up the other relationship with the other guy. She had probably lasted like three months. She was confused. She wanted to get. She wanted to jump back in the marriage, you know, and just work it out, you know. You know, are you still interested? And I thought I told her maybe, maybe I was, but I was already talking to another woman. So this is March, April, May, June. I still live in rb, still talking to the other women. So I started going back and forth the last six months of last year, started going back and forth, broke it off with the new woman, went back, not when, not moved back to my house, but connected back with my wife. I said, let's just try it and then a couple weeks will go on. And now I started, for some reason, my mind started missing the other woman. So I will, I put a stop with my wife and connected. I will connect with the other woman. And I did that about three times. I'll stop with one women and go back to my wife and think, you know, I don't want to lose my wife. They want. Once I'm back with my wife, I'm start. I start missing the other woman because we're really compatible with the other women. I was. We could talk for hours on the phone. Really, really connected. But in my heart, I. I always have felt this is all last year. I always have felt I don't want to lose my wife to another man.

[Dr. Laura]

When you say, can you. You just said, I don't want to lose my wife to another man. That's not the same thing as wanting her. That's just being competitive.

[Caller (Renee's Husband)]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

Nothing to do with can, you know, stop. Some reason is a bullshit thing people say because they don't want to face certain uncomfortable realities. Okay, so don't say it anymore because it's not true. You know the reason? If she didn't have, if she wasn't available to other men, I don't know if you'd want her. There's a difference between wanting her and not wanting to lose. And you're getting those two things confused.

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[Caller (Renee's Husband)]

Yeah, that's. That's how I feel like I Feel.

[Dr. Laura]

Like, respond to what I just said. That wanting her because she's a good woman and you can live out the rest of your lives happy together, loving each other, sacrificing for each other, being compassionate and gentle and sensuous with each other. That's why you would want her.

[Caller (Renee's Husband)]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

So when you look at the relationship with her, are all those things somehow magically back? No more cold shoulders, affectionate, thoughtful, concerned about you? Is that what you're experiencing? Yes or no?

[Caller (Renee's Husband)]

Yes. Yes, I am. She's very.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay.

[Caller (Renee's Husband)]

She's not drink. Not drink anymore. She's telling me to do anything.

[Dr. Laura]

Then you made vows. Then you made vows, which means you have to terminate other distractions and focus in on what you made vows for. You two have been crappy with each other, crappy about yourselves. Drugs, screwing around, alcohol. You two have been a mess here. We have an opportunity. You have a moral obligation based on your vows to spend the time on that opportunity without distracting yourself with hours on a phone call with a woman who doesn't know what it's been like dealing with you for a quarter of a century. To her, you're a poor, pathetic hero. To your wife, it's not so clear. So it's easier to feel good about yourself with this new woman who will spend hours talking on the phone. I don't know what her issues are. You. She knows you're married and she keeps allowing you to go back and forth with her. So she's got serious problems to permit you to do this to her. But you have a moral obligation. I asked you a question about actually wanting your wife and you answered in the affirmative. Then your moral obligation is to focus on that. That's all I'm going to say. That's not anything we can argue or debate about. You said she's worth wanting. Now. I'm holding you to that. My number, 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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