My Wife Won't Be Loving

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day Episode Title: My Wife Won't Be Loving
Release Date: February 6, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of Dr. Laura Call of the Day, Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses a heartfelt and complex marital issue presented by a caller grappling with the emotional aftermath of his wife's breast cancer treatment. The episode delves into themes of intimacy, personal responsibility, and the challenges of maintaining a loving relationship amidst significant health struggles.

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Caller’s Situation

Caller: Dave
Age: 69
Spouse’s Age: 56
Marital Status: Second marriage
Children: Adult children from previous relationships

Dave reaches out to Dr. Laura to seek guidance on his strained marriage. Five years prior, his wife was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent radiation therapy. Subsequently, she has been on a hormonal chemotherapy pill designed to suppress hormones that could potentially reactivate her cancer. This medication has led to severe side effects, including a complete loss of estrogen, resulting in diminished libido and a lack of desire for any form of intimacy.

Key Points:

• Medical Treatment Impact: The hormonal pill has eradicated his wife's estrogen levels to prevent cancer recurrence, but this has severely impacted her desire for intimacy.
• Emotional Distance: Over the past five years, Dave has observed a growing emotional and physical distance, with his wife showing reluctance to engage in any affectionate behaviors, such as touching or cuddling.
• Psychological Strain: Despite his wife being a PhD in clinical psychology, she has not sought therapy to address the psychological repercussions of her treatment, further complicating their relationship.

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Discussion and Analysis

Dr. Laura’s Response:

Dr. Laura empathizes with Dave’s predicament, acknowledging the profound strain that such a situation places on a marriage. She emphasizes the importance of intimacy in maintaining a healthy relationship and addresses the ethical considerations of personal responsibility and mutual respect within marriage vows.

Notable Quotes:

1. On Personal Responsibility and Vows:

   "If she's unwilling to even be affectionate and sweet and caring and grateful that you're even with her, if she's unwilling to be any source of warmth and comfort, you have no obligation to stay married because she's breaching the vows. Love, honor and cherish."
   [07:25]

2. On Distinguishing Between Can’t and Won’t:

   "When there's a won't, you can leave. When there's a can't, you can—I believe you have a moral obligation not to weave."
   [08:31]

Key Insights:

• Distinguishing Between Inability and Unwillingness: Dr. Laura underscores the critical difference between someone who cannot engage in intimacy due to medical reasons ("can't") versus someone who chooses not to despite having the ability ("won't"). This distinction is pivotal in determining the appropriate course of action within a marriage.

• Moral Obligation and Self-Respect: She advises that Dave should prioritize his well-being and happiness. If his wife is not making an effort to reconnect emotionally and physically, Dave is not morally bound to remain in a loveless marriage.

• Encouragement to Set Boundaries: Dr. Laura encourages Dave to communicate his feelings and boundaries clearly, emphasizing that he should not feel trapped by guilt or a sense of obligation.

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Conclusion and Recommendations

Dr. Laura concludes by affirming that Dave deserves a fulfilling and affectionate partnership. She recommends that he:

1. Communicate Openly: Clearly express his feelings and the impact of his wife's lack of intimacy on their relationship.
2. Seek Professional Help: Encourage his wife to pursue therapy to address the emotional and psychological challenges stemming from her treatment.
3. Prioritize Personal Happiness: Understand that it is acceptable to seek a relationship that is mutually supportive and loving.

Final Advice from Dr. Laura:

"If what you're saying is accurate, I think you need to tell her that unless she gets some help and this changes, you're going to leave. Because this is not how you want to spend the rest of your life."
[08:52]

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Key Takeaways

• Intimacy is Fundamental: Emotional and physical intimacy are crucial components of a healthy marriage, and their absence can lead to significant relational strain.

• Personal Boundaries Matter: Individuals have the right to set boundaries in their relationships to ensure their emotional well-being and happiness.

• Seek Professional Guidance: Both personal therapy and marital counseling can be valuable in navigating complex emotional landscapes, especially when compounded by health issues.

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For More Information

Listeners seeking further assistance are encouraged to contact Dr. Laura directly or visit her website for additional resources and support.

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This summary provides an overview of the key discussions and advice offered in the episode "My Wife Won't Be Loving." For a more comprehensive understanding, tuning into the full episode is recommended.

Transcript

[Dr. Laura]

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[Dave]

Dave, welcome to the program.

[Caller 1]

Okay, so I'm 69. My wife is 56. It's our second marriage. Our kids are all adult grown up. But five years ago she was diagnosed with breast cancer and she went through radiation and they gave her. She also.

[Dave]

I'm sorry, I didn't understand that. She went through radius. Sir, I'm not hearing you clearly. She went through radiation and then what happened?

[Caller 1]

And she's also on a chemo pill for five years and she's buck.

[Dave]

Oh, that, that pill. One of the five years up.

[Caller 1]

March, so.

[Dave]

Oh good.

[Caller 1]

What happens? Her one. One of the factors in her cancer was fact that she. It's her hormones and I'm just going to pull off the road here, make it easier for you.

[Caller 2]

So she's got to be on this.

[Caller 1]

Hormonal pill that basically kills all her hormones and so she has zero estrogen because any hormones can reactivate the cancer and they don't want it coming back. Her oncologist said that she can go off the pill in five years.

[Caller 2]

They were going to keep her under 10. But what's happening now is that of course she lost all her libido and I get that. But the other issue is that she does not want any intimacy whatsoever. I mean, no touching, no cuddling, no nothing. She doesn't want to be touched at all. And this has been going on for quite some time.

[Dave]

I don't know how quite some time measures up. How long?

[Caller 2]

Okay. Well, the last five years.

[Dave]

Okay.

[Caller 2]

And for her it seems like she has to have a libido to feel any kind of intimacy. I'm not talking about just sex. I'm just talking about just feeling close.

[Dave]

And she had any therapy for her psychological reactions to the hormones and the cancer and all of that? Has she had any help with any of that?

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[Caller 2]

No, but the kicker is she is a PhD in clinical psychology.

[Dave]

Yeah, that doesn't matter when you're the patient. It doesn't matter when you're the patient.

[Caller 2]

I know. I get you, but I. I don't.

[Caller 1]

Have a lot of choices.

[Caller 2]

And we had. I mean, we've had frequent discussions that sometimes turn into little arguments because.

[Dave]

How are you hoping I could help you? How are you hoping I could help?

[Caller 2]

Okay, well, you tell me if I'm wrong, but basically my choices are. And she even told me, she said, well, you got a hand? Yep, I do, but that's. I'm feeling more distance from her.

[Dave]

That's a disgusting thing for her to say.

[Caller 2]

It is. It is.

[Dave]

It's like saying, go. Okay, let me speak instead of you. You already know what you're going to say. The problem often is not so much that tragedies happen like this, because they happen. I know about that pill. I refused to take it after my breast cancer because I knew the side effects. I wasn't going to have any of that and I'm nine years later, got lucky. But what I want to say to you is, if she's unwilling to even be affectionate and sweet and caring and grateful that you're even with her, if she's unwilling to be any source of warmth and comfort, you have no obligation to stay married because she's breaching the vows. Love, honor and cherish. If she's unwilling to do that, it'd be ridiculous for you to think you must be trapped into that. If she was warm and stuff, but she really. There are certain things she couldn't do and you were not understanding about that. I'd kick your butt.

[Dr. Laura]

However.

[Caller 2]

Absolutely.

[Dave]

She's expecting you to not even be treated like a man, a spouse, anything. And that's absurd. So if what you're saying is accurate, I think you need to tell her that unless she gets some help and this changes, you're going to leave. Because this is not how you want to spend the rest of your life.

[Caller 2]

Well, that's the way I feel.

[Dave]

That's my recommendation of what you say. There is no but. But it's just backtracking because you're scared and you feel like you're a bad guy. If you do that. This is your life. You're not going to live forever. If the woman is unwilling to make any efforts to be comforting and loving to you, to me, you're under no obligation to stay. It's different if somebody is really ill and they can't. There's a difference between can't and won't. When there's a won't, you can leave. When there's a can't, you can I believe you have a moral obligation not to weave. My number 1-800-375-2872 if you like this.

[Dr. Laura]

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