Responding to Hurt Feelings

Summary

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The Dr. Laura Podcast

Episode: Responding to Hurt Feelings
Date: May 30, 2026
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Main Theme: Navigating feelings of rejection and hurt within complicated family dynamics, particularly as families blend and drift apart with age, and how to respond to emotional pain with grace and self-reflection.

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Episode Overview

In this deeply personal episode, Dr. Laura responds to a lengthy and heartfelt listener letter detailing decades of family conflict, loss, blended relationships, and the pain of feeling excluded by adult stepchildren. The discussion pivots on whether confronting those who have hurt you—especially in blended families—can bring healing, or only more heartache. Dr. Laura offers her trademark frank, pragmatic advice while acknowledging both the complexity and the emotional weight of the issue.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Caller’s Situation: A Lifetime of Family Turmoil

(01:35 - 07:05)

• Background: The 72-year-old listener shares her life story:
  • Early full-time motherhood, financial hardship, and reluctant divorce from her first husband.
  • Faced with near homelessness, she started her own business, only to be pressured to quit by her then-husband—who left anyway.
  • Single motherhood, joining the Army National Guard at 31, restarting life as the sole provider for her children.
  • Remarriage to Dave, a kind and respected man with adult children from a previous marriage.
• Blended Family Dynamics:
  • Despite efforts, relationships with Dave's children remained distant.
  • After Dave’s death (following dementia/Alzheimer’s), his children remained polite but emotionally unavailable.
• Particular Pain Points:
  • Not being invited to her (step)grandson’s graduation and being lied to about it.
  • Feeling used, brushed off, and excluded, especially after Dave’s passing.

2. The Search for Answers: Should I Tell Them My Feelings?

(09:47 - 13:02)

• Caller’s Question:
  • “Is there a way to tell them I've been hurt and ask why they treated me like that?” (09:47)
  • She acknowledges she probably already knows Dr. Laura’s answer ("to remain polite"), but struggles with resentment and a longing for closure.
• Self-Reflection:
  • She wonders if she contributed to the rift; recognizes her stepchildren may have resented her for marrying their father.
  • Expresses gratitude for Dr. Laura’s past advice—especially regarding balancing personal time and her role as a wife.

3. Dr. Laura’s No-Nonsense Advice

(Throughout, especially 07:05, 13:02)

• On Confrontation:
  • “Screaming now is useless.” (03:59, Dr. Laura, echoing caller’s realization)
  • Telling them how you feel won’t make them hurt—“They won't hurt. They'll find another way to hurt you.” (12:33)
  • Direct communication likely won’t lead to reconciliation or empathy: “Or [they will] be angry with me or cut me out of their lives completely. Yeah, that's probably what they'll do.” (12:50)
• On Acceptance:
  • Dr. Laura reaffirms the caller’s strength for building a functional, loving life after adversity.
  • The caller’s “romantic notion” that a blended family can always “feel like one” is, sadly, “the exception, not the rule.” (11:45)

4. Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Caller:

  • “I want to scream and be angry and ask them why they treat me like this, but that will solve nothing.” (02:11)
  • “Sometimes life hurts and we could do nothing to fix it. Other times, we must make hard choices and do what is right for ourselves and others.” (11:40)

• Dr. Laura:

  • “Screaming now is useless.” (03:59)
  • “They won't hurt. They'll find another way to hurt you… It's not going to hurt their feelings for you to say they hurt your feelings.” (12:33)
  • “It’s sad but it’s true. I always felt it was all our family but now I feel the separation being imposed.” (11:45)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:35 – 04:02: Caller describes family hardships, divorce, and building a new life.
• 04:02 – 07:05: Blended family life with Dave, their shared happiness, and the growing distance from stepchildren.
• 09:47 – 13:02: Caller asks Dr. Laura about expressing hurt to stepchildren; Dr. Laura unpacks why confronting them is unproductive.
• 11:40 – 12:50: Key advice on the realities of blended families and emotional protection.

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Conclusion: Takeaways and Dr. Laura’s Core Message

Dr. Laura empathizes with the caller’s pain but recommends against direct confrontation; such actions are not only likely to be futile, but may further damage fragile ties. Instead, focus on gratitude for supportive family, honoring the love shared with those who remain close, and maintaining dignity and self-respect.

“Sometimes life hurts and we could do nothing to fix it. Other times, we must make hard choices and do what is right for ourselves and others.” (Caller, 11:40)

Dr. Laura’s signature is unwavering: politeness, boundaries, and acceptance are, at times, the only path forward in the labyrinth of family dynamics.

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Transcript

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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[Caller/Listener]

okay, we got an email to send an email to drlauractorlora.com and evidently during the past two hours you guys have been emailing like crazy. So I'm just going backwards here. I want to call others probably share my dilemma. My problem is not new and from previous callers I believe I know your response. You will probably tell me to remain polite and know that I am loved by my biological children and family. That is what I am doing. Short version and what I want to do but I won't because it won't change anything. I want to scream and be angry and ask them why they treat me like this, but that will solve nothing. That's true, but all the way along being mistreated. If you had spoken up each time that would have done something but holding it in and then screaming over 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

20 years.

[Caller/Listener]

You're right, does absolutely nothing. I'm 72. I have two children from my first marriage. He and I were together 10 years. I was full time mom until we nearly became homeless and I would not let that happen. Our divorce took four years. He filed. I didn't want it. Really. He was angry with me for working to make our life better after he gave up his teaching career. By then we were living in a single wide trailer parked in someone else's backyard. And that was not acceptable to me. He had a master's degree in teaching credentials, perfectly capable of getting a job and earning a living for us. Was he tired, Lazy? Depressed? Whatever his reason, he did not provide enough to feed our family. And he's the one who filed for divorce. Geez, women. Our kids were in grammar school. I started a small business from home and was doing well for us with respect to money. But he didn't want me to work. He didn't like my time not devoted to him or cleaning the house or running errands. I get that. Honestly, I do. You do get that? I don't. But someone had to earn the money. He gave me an ultimatum. Quit the business that was doing very well, or he was done. I quit the business. The IRS depleted our bank account. He left anyway. You're right.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Screaming now is useless.

[Caller/Listener]

Saying I'm not quitting the business. I want to feed our children would have been wonderful. I became a single mom for seven years. Really? What happened then? My kids did well. We were happy. I joined the Army National Guard in the middle of our crisis. He took the kids for the four months I had to be away for training. I went through regular army basic at 31. I aced it. The kids lived with me after that and visited their dads on weekends. When I had my weekend duty to the military, I was provided health care and education. I could not get otherwise. God bless the National Guard. Making more money I ever imagined. My children were teenagers. Freshmen, sophomore and high school. I had not yet heard of Dr. Laura. I made mistakes, but I did my best. My children and I were happy. I rarely dated. Then I met a man named Dave and our lives changed again. My kids insisted I married him. They loved him. He was the dad they never had. Dave was always an ear to listen and words of advice when asked. He was always kind, but also commanded respect and admiration. As a couple, we had rules for the kids. And while my teens were far from perfect, he treated them with respect. Dave had been divorced after 23 years of marriage and his own children were in college when he divorced and out of college with spouses of their own when we met. From all I saw and heard, he was a great dad to his kids. I didn't have your advice back Then our rash decision to marry went against everything my brain told me was right. But it worked for us. We made it work. Married for 32 years. During that time I worked at first, but he wanted his girlfriend. We could afford it. I quit working, took care of him. Wife, girlfriend, chef, golf partner, travel companion, no regrets, great life. In 2018, diagnosed with dementia, Alzheimer's, I nursed him until he was no longer capable. My Dave was the kindest, best man I've ever known. We tried and tried to maintain a relationship with his children who lived halfway across the country. We went to visit annually. Everyone was always very polite. We moved closer to them in 2018 but rarely saw them. They came to the celebration of life. When he passed in 22, they were polite. I will not go into the myriad of brush offs making us wait for hours beyond the appointed times that were arranged. We me just not important to them. Two final events broke me. The last was not being invited to my grandson's high school graduation and being lied to about it. Well, actually that was your husband's grandkid. Yours by marriage. Okay,

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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[Caller/Listener]

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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[Caller/Listener]

My question for you would have been is there a way to tell them I've been hurt and ask why they treated me like that? But I do believe you would ask me a few questions about whether I've done anything to make them feel this way? Well, the first thing you did was marry their dad and bring kids into it competition. Nothing I can point to and say I did this or that, only that I love their dad and they all abandoned him after he and his wife, their mother divorced. I will be polite. I read the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. At first I was offended and angry that David bought the book for me, but after reading it I knew the truth of it. David wanted a wife, not a career woman and I had ever so slowly over the years gotten a good case of volunteeritis. Once we became empty nesters, I felt to be needed again and over volunteered myself. I was busy. Too busy for David. I am ever grateful to you for the beautiful advice. Over the years I found others to take over my volunteer positions and never looked back. I will remain polite to his family. I know my own family adores me. We have a wonderful family time. I'd always felt. I'd always felt it was all our family. Yeah, but you see that's romantic notion and unfortunately that's the exception, not the rule. It's sad but it's true. I always felt it was all our family but now I feel the separation being imposed. I'm now a great grandmother as well. My biological children are in their 50s. My granddaughter is a scientist and credentialed high school teacher. She and her husband, a large animal veterinarian, are doing well and she is now a full time mom. Their beautiful family is doing it right and happier than ever. I'm proud of them. My son and daughter have been supporting their dad on and off for the past 20 years. I'm grateful for Dave for supporting me and ensuring I have enough to take care of myself between now and death. Sometimes life hurts and we could do nothing to fix it. Other times, we must make hard choices and do what is right for ourselves and others. With regard to my adult stepchildren, I know that to say something to them about my feelings would solve nothing. Correct. And would only result in making them hurt. Wrong. They won't hurt. They'll find another way to hurt you. No, no, you got part one right, part two wrong. It's not going to hurt their feelings for you to say they hurt your feelings. Okay. Or be angry with me or cut me out of their lives completely. Yeah, that's probably what they'll do. P.S. if you have other words of advice for me or if I'm completely wrong in my assessment, please let me know if you want me to call in. For now, just writing this letter helped me get all this stuff off my chest. Even ease the pain of being unloved by people I love and knowing there is nothing I can do to change how they feel. I'm sure their own hurt is real too. Yeah, they feel bad they lost their family and their dad and they feel when he married you, they lost their dad. You know, doesn't all have to be rational, but you know how women are. Things become personal. They hated you more than loved their dad.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

My number 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media on Facebook and Instagram. I post stories, photos and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you sent me too. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com drlaura and instagram.com drlauraprogram

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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