Should I Confront Her Own Mistakes?

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. Laura Podcast – "Should I Confront Her Own Mistakes?"
Date: June 14, 2026
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Guest Caller: Lisa

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Episode Overview

This episode features a call-in segment where Lisa, a 59-year-old divorced and retired woman, seeks advice from Dr. Laura about her long-term dating relationship with a retired military man. The central theme revolves around the differences in relationship expectations, communication challenges, and the causality and fallout when each partner wants a different future. Dr. Laura incisively addresses accountability, manipulation, and the consequences of not directly communicating one's needs in a relationship.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Lisa’s Relationship History and Current Dilemma (01:50–04:00)

• Lisa introduces herself and describes her eight-year relationship. Both she and her boyfriend are divorced, childless, and retired with separate homes.
• Early in the relationship, her boyfriend hinted at marriage, but following Dr. Laura’s advice, Lisa waited before making commitments.

Dr. Laura’s Initial Analysis (02:39–04:45)

• Dr. Laura quickly probes the lack of marriage after the initial proposal, noting the importance of clear communication and why waiting sometimes results in perpetual indecision.
• She identifies that after the boyfriend expressed comfort with the status quo (“He got very comfortable…” [04:20]), Lisa accepted this arrangement, solidifying the relationship’s static nature.
• Notable quote:
  • Dr. Laura (04:49): “This was ideal for him. So when he said he’s comfortable with that, you decided to continue as is? Yes, of course. Yes.”

Turning Point: Counseling and AI Tools (07:50–09:44)

• Lisa, frustrated by the relationship’s lack of progression, suggests couples therapy. The boyfriend agrees, but Lisa admits to using artificial intelligence to gather arguments and talking points, which she brought into sessions—a process she characterizes as “going down the rabbit hole.”
• Dr. Laura identifies this as manipulative behavior, explaining that Lisa was attempting to change her boyfriend’s mind rather than accept his decision.
• Notable quote:
  • Dr. Laura (09:44): “What you did was extremely disrespectful. He told you he was okay the way it was… You were manipulating him after he told you I'm good the way this is, you either accept it or you leave.”

Direct Advice and Tough Love (09:47–12:06)

• Dr. Laura unequivocally tells Lisa that her counseling efforts were an attempt at control, not a search for compromise or acceptance.
• She prompts Lisa to recognize her own manipulative intentions by questioning whether Lisa ever sought to accept her boyfriend’s feelings, rather than change them.
• Notable exchange:
  • Dr. Laura (11:09): “You were trying to manipulate him into changing his mind. You didn’t go into counseling so you could come to accept his decision… That’s manipulation.”
  • Lisa (10:54): “Honestly though, I didn’t think I was manipulating him. That was not my intent.”
  • Dr. Laura (11:05): “Of course it was… Please don't deny the obvious.”

Late-Breaking Proposal and Self-Reflection (11:43–12:06)

• Lisa shares that, out of the blue, her boyfriend later offered to have her move in with him—a new dynamic that confused her given years of inaction.
• Dr. Laura, skeptical about this offer and its timing, brushes past it as possibly an outlier or even questionable in accuracy.

Lessons Learned and Farewell (12:06–13:55)

• Dr. Laura concludes by reiterating the episode’s core lesson: Accept what is, or move on—don’t try to covertly control the terms of a relationship.
• She notes the all-too-common pattern where women, unhappy with relationship dynamics, avoid direct communication until frustration leads to “pushing and shoving” for change, often resulting in a breakup.
• Notable quote:
  • Dr. Laura (13:10): “A lot of women over the years go along with something they don’t want to go along with. Then they try to push and shove it to something else and the other person is taken by surprise and then we blame them for not ever bringing it up.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dr. Laura (02:39): “He hardly knew you and he said ‘let’s get married’? Which, fortunately, you weren’t stupid enough to do.”
• Dr. Laura (09:44): “You were manipulating him after he told you I’m good the way this is, you either accept it or you leave.”
• Dr. Laura (11:09): “That’s manipulation.”
• Dr. Laura (12:04): “I just love the way you kept repeating ‘you didn’t talk about it’. You didn’t talk about it either, did you?”
• Dr. Laura (13:10): “Then they try to push and shove it to something else and the other person is taken by surprise and then we blame them for not ever bringing it up.”

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:50–02:59 – Lisa’s background and relationship status
• 03:00–04:45 – Dr. Laura’s analysis of comfort and inaction
• 07:50–09:44 – Lisa’s push for therapy and use of AI; Dr. Laura’s warning about manipulation
• 09:47–12:06 – Direct confrontation about manipulation and intent
• 11:43–12:06 – The unexpected proposal to move in together
• 12:06–13:55 – Dr. Laura’s lessons on accepting reality and direct communication

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Takeaways

• Crystal-clear communication about expectations is essential in any relationship. Accepting ambiguity often leads to later disappointment.
• Efforts to change a partner's fundamental preferences—especially after they’ve clearly articulated them—are often received as disrespectful or manipulative, even if not intended that way.
• Self-honesty about one’s goals and intentions is crucial for moving forward, both in life and in relationships.
• “Don’t wait next time, please.” (Dr. Laura, 10:35) – Seeking advice earlier can prevent heartbreak and wasted time.

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Tone
Direct, brisk, and unflinching—Dr. Laura’s advice pulls no punches, focusing on personal responsibility and respectful realism in relationships. Lisa’s vulnerability and openness provide listeners with a relatable scenario on communication missteps and learning from regrets.

Transcript

[Dr. Laura]

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[Lisa]

Hi Dr. Laura. Thank you for taking my call.

[Dr. Laura]

You're very Welcome.

[Lisa]

I am 59 years old, I'm divorced, no children. I have my own house and I'm retired. My boyfriend of eight years, divorced twice, no children, has his own home. He's retired military for about 13 years. He's 53, so we've been together it would be eight years in July when we first met. Within the first year he asked me a couple of times about marriage and I remember hearing you saying wait till seasons before you do anything like that with somebody. Get to know them. So anyways, hasn't happened. He's a. He's a great guy. He's loyal, he's honest.

[Dr. Laura]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa. Needed a little editing in there. So he hardly knew you and he said let's get married. Which fortunately you weren't stupid enough to do. That. Thank you. And then you waited two years and you didn't want to marry him after two years either.

[Lisa]

Well, it wasn't brought up. He wasn't brought up. Again, our future. Talk of our future was. I think we both. To be honest with you, we both have a bit of communication problems. I'm going to be honest. I was in a verbally abusive relationship for over 20. I was married for six. And the rest of it, we were dating on and off with my ex husband. So sometimes I get a little nervous to talk to him about some things, even though I know he is not my ex husband and I'm not going to get the same.

[Dr. Laura]

Wait a minute. This is the second time you've had a long term unmarried situation?

[Lisa]

Well, I did end up marrying my ex husband. We were together on and off, and then I married him for six years and then he cheated on me and I divorced him.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. Okay. So. So you want to marry this guy? You want to marry this guy?

[Lisa]

I would. I would love to.

[Dr. Laura]

Why did you never tell him that?

[Lisa]

Well, I'll tell. Three years ago, I asked him where he saw this relationship going, and he said he was happy with things the way they are now. And he said, we'll talk about the future when you retire. But. And I retired a year and a half ago. And I know.

[Dr. Laura]

Well. Okay, stop for a second. Stop for a second. He got very comfortable having your company, having whatever sex you have, having your friendship. He got comfortable with that. He didn't need to take another step this way. He still has his home, his property, the inheritance for his kids. Everything is. This was ideal for him.

[Lisa]

No kids. No kids on either party. But I understand what you're saying.

[Dr. Laura]

This was ideal for him. So when he said he's comfortable with that, you decided to continue as is? Yes, of course. Yes.

[Lisa]

Yes. And then this past.

[Dr. Laura]

No, no, no. Okay, okay. Once you say okay and continue as is, that's where it's going to stay. And then what made him break it off? What did you do or say that freaked him out? Or did he meet another woman?

[Lisa]

What?

[Dr. Laura]

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[Lisa]

No. I suggested this past fall, I felt like we were going nowhere down. Going down a road with no direction. So I said, you know, would you be interested in getting into couples therapy just to see. Even though I knew in the back of my mind what he had told me, but he was willing to go and we went and we went to the vet center where he's a veteran, and we did about five or six sessions. And I foolishly, you're gonna. Foolishly. I don't have anyone to talk to. So I was talking to a. And I was putting in my stats, my age, our situation and different things that had arise and then living apart together and everything. And it came up with living apart together relationships. And it's like, well, I really don't like that. I would rather have be. I'd rather be together all the time. And so anyways, I really went down the rabbit hole with the AI and I would walk in there with things memorized and And I made a big deal out of a lot of stuff, and I'm not taking the full responsibility. I know there are two.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay? But take a break. Take a break for a second, okay? What you did was extremely disrespectful. He told you he was okay the way it was. That puts the ball back in your court, and you have to make a decision. Is the way it is good enough for me till I die or meet somebody else, whatever, but to drag him into counseling and then start using AI stuff? You were manipulating him after he told you I'm good the way this is, you either accept it or you leave. But he broke up with you because you wouldn't accept it, and he made you leave.

[Lisa]

He said he didn't want to do any more work on us.

[Dr. Laura]

Ma', am, he never wanted to do work on us. You're not listening at all. You're being a little pigheaded. A little pigheaded here. He told you. Let me do this one more time without screaming, okay? Calmly. He said he was good the way it was. That was the end of discussion. That was the end of the. Of changing anything. That was the end for him. He communicated beautifully. He told you, this is it for me.

[Lisa]

I understand.

[Dr. Laura]

And you tried to make him change, and you lost him. I could have told you that was going to happen with or without AI.

[Lisa]

Should have called you three years ago.

[Dr. Laura]

Yes. Damn it. Don't wait next time, please.

[Lisa]

Well, I appreciate your. Your time and your wisdom. And I knew in my. I know in my heart what. What you said is true. I didn't. Honestly, though, I didn't think I was manipulating him. That was not my intent. I just wanted to have.

[Dr. Laura]

Of course it was. I'm going to make him change his mind with counseling and with challenges. Madam, please don't deny the obvious.

[Lisa]

Well, that I wasn't trying to manipulate it. I just wanted.

[Dr. Laura]

Yes, you were. Why are you fighting with me? You were trying to manipulate him into changing his mind. You didn't go into counseling so you could come to accept his decision. You didn't go into counseling to accept what he said. You didn't go on AI to find peace with what he said. You did that to change him, make him want you in a marriage. That's manipulation.

[Lisa]

All right, well, in March, he threw out to me out of left field. Why don't you move down? Why don't you move in with me? And I thought you've never talked about this before. You've never talked about a future. You've never talked about.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay.

[Lisa]

So do you understand? So it's just out of left field anyways.

[Dr. Laura]

I'm crying. Yeah. Okay.

[Lisa]

No, yeah. I appreciate your time.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. I just love the way you kept repeating you didn't talk about it. You didn't talk about it either, did you? Either did you? But yes, that was pure manipulation. And to throw that in about the shacking up at the end here, I don't know what to make of that. I'm going to leave that alone. Make believe you never said it because I don't know if that's even accurate. I think that would have happened in the sessions. Whatever. Come on. I wasn't manipulating. I wasn't trying to control anybody. Yes, you know how you know. Did you go into the counseling saying to the counselor, I want to learn how to respect his decision and accept it? That means you're not there to manipulate. Did you go on AI saying, I want to learn how to accept his decision and be good with it? No. We went in to make arguments to make him change. It's kind of funny. A lot of women over the years go along with something they don't want to go along with. Then they try to push and shove it to something else and the other person is taken by surprise and then we blame them for not ever bringing it up. My number 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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[Dr. Laura]

As people age, it's normal to ask what more they could be doing to take care of their health. It's important to be proactive, especially when it comes to your brain health. Don't wait for something to feel off before taking action. Make your next checkup count. Ask your doctor about your risk factors for dementia and a cognitive assessment. Visit brainhealthmatters.com for more information and resources provided by Lily. This summer at Disneyland. Kids rule. Let's go.

[Sirius XM Announcer]

And they're leading the way to the Disneyland resort for Bluey's best day ever. Tiana's Bayou Adventure. And so much more. Because when kids rule summer, you know it's going to be the best day ever.