Should I Reconcile Before He Passes?

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. Laura Podcast
Episode: Should I Reconcile Before He Passes?
Date: June 13, 2026
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Key Callers: Ann Marie (Mom), Elizabeth (Daughter)

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Episode Overview

In this deeply emotional episode, Dr. Laura connects with Ann Marie and her adult daughter, Elizabeth, to discuss the difficult feelings that arise when a former spouse is gravely ill. Ann Marie is wrestling with guilt and uncertainty about her decision to divorce her now-ill ex-husband decades ago, especially as his health declines. The conversation explores themes of regret, self-forgiveness, compassion, and the realities of complex family dynamics.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting the Stage: Ann Marie’s Dilemma

• Ann Marie explains that her ex-husband (Elizabeth’s father) is very ill in the hospital, possibly near death. Though they have been divorced for 26 years, she feels a strong emotional pull and confusion about what's the right thing to do now (02:06–04:23).
• She initiated the divorce after 25 years of marriage and is struggling with guilt—questioning whether she should have waited until the children were older before leaving.

2. Dr. Laura’s Core Advice: Don’t Live in the Rearview Mirror

• Dr. Laura sharply challenges Ann Marie’s tendency toward regret and self-blame:

  “What I'd like you to do to help you understand this is I'd like you to get in your car and drive 100 miles an hour only looking through the rear view mirror. That's what you're asking me how not to do.” (04:56–05:10)

• Dr. Laura emphasizes that Ann Marie made the best decision she could at the time, with the information and resources available, especially considering the well-being of herself and her children (05:15–06:13).

3. Deeper Context: Why Ann Marie Left

• Ann Marie recounts:
  • They endured years of instability: lack of money, her husband’s inability to maintain employment, and the toll of his untreated PTSD from Vietnam (09:11–09:53).
  • The divorce resulted in financial stability for both parents and improved quality of life for their children (10:12–10:50).
  • Ann Marie reveals she asked her ex for forgiveness in the past and feels selfish for even doing so.

4. Redefining Guilt and Forgiveness

• Dr. Laura reframes Ann Marie’s guilt:

  “I don't think that was an awful decision. I don't think you should have asked for forgiveness…The situation was untenable.” (10:50–11:08)

• She points out that, in fact, Ann Marie “rescued the kids” and “rescued him…because he finally got his act into gear” (11:16–13:13).

  “You saved the kids from living a substandard kind of life…So the only person you don't know you rescued is you.” (12:18–12:40)

• Dr. Laura asserts that asking for forgiveness is unnecessary, ultimately suggesting: “He should be asking for it.”

5. Dr. Laura’s Recommendation: Compassionate Closure

• Dr. Laura recommends that Ann Marie visit her ex-husband, not seeking forgiveness, but out of simple compassion and for closure:

  “Go visit him. Not to—‘Oh, I'm so sorry.' No, because you saved his ass. He wouldn't be in a successful marriage right now if you hadn't left him…But I think out of compassion and resetting your brain, I'd like to see you go and say goodbye.” (13:59–14:42)

6. Recognition of Elizabeth

• Dr. Laura takes a moment to commend Ann Marie’s daughter:

  “You obviously did something great. She's compassionate and mature enough to clarify what she's here for, what she thinks you need, and to give you the opportunity to do it. You raised a really special Elizabeth.” (13:34–13:58)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dr. Laura’s Rear View Mirror Metaphor:

  “I'd like you to get in your car and drive 100 miles an hour only looking through the rear view mirror. That's what you're asking me how not to do.” (05:00–05:10)

• On Rescue and Self-Forgiveness:

  “You actually rescued the kids. You rescued him…So the only person you don't know you rescued is you.” (12:18–12:40)

• Compassion Over Guilt:

  “Go visit him. Not to—‘Oh, I'm so sorry.' No, because you saved his ass...out of compassion and resetting your brain, I'd like to see you go and say goodbye.” (13:59–14:42)

• Validation for Elizabeth:

  “You obviously did something great. [Elizabeth]'s compassionate and mature…You raised a really special Elizabeth.” (13:34–13:58)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 02:06–04:23 – Ann Marie sets up her emotional turmoil over her decision to divorce and present regrets.
• 04:56–05:13 – Dr. Laura’s “rear view mirror” analogy, launching the discussion on regret.
• 09:11–09:53 – Ann Marie describes her ex-husband’s struggles with PTSD and financial hardship.
• 10:50–11:08 – Dr. Laura calls the decision “not awful” and criticizes unnecessary guilt.
• 11:16–13:13 – Dr. Laura’s comprehensive reframing: Ann Marie rescued the family.
• 13:34–13:58 – Dr. Laura praises Elizabeth and validates Ann Marie’s parenting.
• 13:59–14:42 – Dr. Laura advises Ann Marie to visit her ex-husband for compassionate closure.

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Tone & Takeaways

Dr. Laura delivers her signature tough love, cutting through Ann Marie’s guilt with logic, empathy, and assertiveness. She validates both caller’s feelings while steering them to focus on real compassion and letting go of unnecessary regret. This episode is poignant and practical for anyone who struggles with past family decisions, forgiveness, or anticipatory grief.

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Transcript

[Dr. Laura]

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[Ann Marie]

Hi, Dr. Laura.

[Dr. Laura]

Hi, Elizabeth.

[Ann Marie]

Hi.

[Dr. Laura]

Hi. Okay, how can I help? What's going on?

[Ann Marie]

Okay, so Dr. Laura, I actually emailed today to schedule a call and then Dan called to say that it would be most helpful that you believed if one of my children was on the call. So we managed to do that. And Elizabeth is my daughter. She's my youngest, she's 35. She's on the call. So what I had sent in an email request for a call was that I just learned today that my ex husband, Elizabeth's father, we've been divorced for 26 years.

[Dr. Laura]

Wow.

[Ann Marie]

And he is in. Yeah, he's. We were married 25 years. We've been divorced 26 years. He's. He's pretty ill and he at the moment is at the hospital. We really don't know, you know, what's going to happen. And I.

[Dr. Laura]

Is he. Is he married to someone else at this point?

[Ann Marie]

He is. He is. He has been married to his current wife for about 20 years, actually.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. So he's. And are you remarried to anybody?

[Ann Marie]

No, I'm not.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. Elizabeth. Hi.

[Ann Marie]

Hi.

[Dr. Laura]

Hi. Okay, so, Elizabeth, you want to continue from here and tell me what's happening that I might help with?

[Ann Marie]

Oh, this is really a call from my mom. I think she's struggling to deal with what's going on with my dad. So, yeah, I'm just here to support in whatever way she needs.

[Dr. Laura]

Oh, okay. So, Ann Marie, what support do you need here?

[Ann Marie]

Sure. So my reason for, you know, really believing and hoping that you could give me something to go on as far as my crazy emotions and stress over how. And let me preface that by saying I only started listening to about 10 or 12 years ago. So at the time. At the time I initiated the divorce 26 years ago or thereabouts, I had never listened to you before. Okay. So what I was hoping today is to get some kind of, I don't know, guidance from you. It may not be possible because everything is moot and out of the ground.

[Dr. Laura]

Can you please just get to it without all the periphery? Just tell me, how can I help what's going on?

[Ann Marie]

Of course I know. How can I help? How can I, in some way reconcile in my own mind and heart that at the time I filed for divorce, that even though it was so such a terrible situation for me that I could have at least waited several years till my two younger kids were literally, you know, 18 and what have you?

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. What I'd like you to do to help you understand this is I'd like you to get in your car and drive 100 miles an hour hour only looking through the rear view mirror.

[Ann Marie]

Right, Right.

[Dr. Laura]

That's what you're asking me how not to do.

[Ann Marie]

I know. I know.

[Dr. Laura]

It doesn't matter now. It doesn't matter now. At the time, you thought it was the best decision for everybody, not just you. If you were that miserable to get out of there, then that trickles down to everybody. So you made the best decision with the information you had at the time. And if you'd like to drive your car at 100 miles an hour for the rest of your life, looking through the rearview mirror, then you're going to be like this for a long time, if you haven't already. As people age, it's normal to ask what more they could be doing to take care of their health. It's important to be proactive, especially when it comes to your brain health. Don't wait for something to feel off before taking action. Make your next checkup count. Ask your doctor about your risk factors for dementia and a cognitive assessment. Visit brainhealthmatters.com for more information and resources provided by Lilly Life doesn't have to be so complicated. Walmart helps you simplify. They're your one stop Shop for daily essentials like groceries, snacks, school supplies and thanks to Walmart Pharmacy, you can count on them for your prescription needs too. Use the Walmart app to easily manage your family's medications and save time by getting prescriptions delivered right to your door. Switch your prescriptions to Walmart Pharmacy Delivery not available for all prescriptions and and exclusions apply. Here's some common sense advice. Your body needs support to function properly, including your vaginal health, and that includes maintaining a healthy PH balance. New Azo Vaginal Probiotic Mini Chews helps keep that healthy bacterial balance and that helps keep yeast and odor in check. It's great tasting, easy to take, and no pill means no water. That makes it simple to add to your daily routine. And simplicity is how good habits stick. Visit eizoproducts.com for product details, usage instructions and safety information.

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[Ann Marie]

I have already and my goal from today's call was, well, thank you for that, number one. But number two, I brought this up to my ex husband years ago because we've had a very good and close relationship in spite of the divorce and his remarriage, because after all, we have four children. For him to forgive me, that's very selfish.

[Dr. Laura]

Forgive you? I don't quite understand the basis in your mind of a divorce was what? The truth. Say it in front of Elizabeth. The truth.

[Ann Marie]

Sure, sure, sure. Years of the stress of no money and his inability to keep a job, which was discovered after two months of in treatment at a veterans hospital, was like legit post traumatic stress from his two and a half years of service in Vietnam. But even with that knowledge after the fact and us then receiving, you know, you know, supplemental, you know, VA benefits and all that, I still could not take it anymore. I could not take it anymore.

[Dr. Laura]

I'm sorry, you could not take what anymore? You keep calling it an it.

[Ann Marie]

Okay, sure. I could not take. I could not undo in my mind the damage of so many years of no money, of putting utility bills on a credit card, of taking money out of the little savings account our kids had.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, then I'm curious, how does a divorce give you more money?

[Ann Marie]

Well, it gave me more money because at that point we sold the house. We each walked away with some equity. Plus, because now my soon to be ex husband was going to be receiving additional financial benefits, he was able to provide me with some child support. Plus I was working full time. So I was out on my own, he was out on his own. We each got a different house and that's what it was. That was the decision that I made.

[Dr. Laura]

I don't think that was an awful decision. I don't think you should have asked for forgiveness. I don't. The situation was untenable. Why you kept making babies with him, I'll never know. But the situation was untenable.

[Ann Marie]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

So the decision you made ended up in everybody being able to really live a more quality life.

[Ann Marie]

Well, on that, my.

[Dr. Laura]

Can you not talk for a minute? Because all you're doing is you're gonna keep arguing me into the ground to make yourself a shit, and I'm not going to tolerate it. If you win the argument, then you leave the show the same way you came in. You're bad. And hearing it out. And I know there are other aspects of it and details and all of that, but I'm sure there wasn't a lot of sex, a lot of warmth, a lot of affection. There was a lot of hurt, there was a lot of fear. Those are the kinds of things that just dissolve a marriage. And if he wasn't dealing in an open way with what his problems are, There was no. Back in that day, wives did not know any of this. So again, I heard you out. You have a choice to make today. The decision you made then was based on the best you knew to take care of you and the kids. And that's exactly what you did. So they didn't have to worry about food and electricity, this, that and the other thing. You saved the kids from living a substandard kind of life, quality of life with their circumstances. So you actually rescued the kids. You rescued him because he finally got his act into gear. So the only person you don't know you rescued is you. I think you did a good job that it wasn't fairy tale level. Yeah. What is? So I think you're out of line asking for forgiveness. He should be asking for it.

[Ann Marie]

Thanks, Dr. Laura.

[Dr. Laura]

So please, get off your back if I'm not on your back. Trust me, you shouldn't. If you've been listening to me that long. You know I go for the jugular when I think that's correct.

[Ann Marie]

Oh, I know that for sure.

[Dr. Laura]

And I want to say something about Elizabeth. I want to say something about Elizabeth. You obviously did something great. She's compassionate and mature enough to clarify what she's here for, what she thinks you need, and to give you the opportunity to do it. You raised a really special Elizabeth.

[Ann Marie]

I know.

[Dr. Laura]

In those two sentences, I knew who she was. So good for you. Good for you, Elizabeth. Good for you, Ann Marie. Now, one of the things that I'd like you to do, Anne Marie, out of compassion, is go visit him. He might be dead soon. Go visit him. Not to. Oh, I'm so sorry. No, because you saved his ass. He wouldn't be in a successful marriage right now if you hadn't left him. He wouldn't have a job and be doing the things he's doing. But I think out of compassion and resetting your brain, I'd like to see you go and say goodbye.

[Ann Marie]

Thanks, Dr. Lahore.

[Dr. Laura]

But think about what I said. You saved his ass.

[Ann Marie]

Yeah, well, he married a 180 from me, that's for sure.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, I don't know whether that's good, bad or indifferent, and I don't care.

[Ann Marie]

Well, Mr. Pittsburgh, I don't care.

[Dr. Laura]

But she married a guy who was put together. You didn't.

[Ann Marie]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

You understand that?

[Ann Marie]

I do. And let me tell you, ptsd, that's combat related is so diverse as far as how it may be.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, enough. Okay, I got that. Don't be a poster.

[Ann Marie]

Okay. Thanks, Dr. Laura.

[Dr. Laura]

All right, sweetie. Goodbye, Elizabeth.

[Ann Marie]

Thank you. Bye, Dr. Lara. Bye. Thank you.

[Dr. Laura]

You're welcome. My number one, 800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform. Sirius XM Triumph Is life presenting you with challenges?

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[Dr. Laura]

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[Dr. Laura]

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[Ann Marie]

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