Should I Wish My Daughter a Happy Birthday?

Summary

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Episode Summary: Should I Wish My Daughter a Happy Birthday?

Podcast: The Dr. Laura Podcast
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: January 31, 2026

Overview

In this emotionally nuanced episode, Dr. Laura takes a call from Preston, a father struggling with whether he should wish his estranged daughter a happy birthday. The discussion centers on the long-term effects of parental alienation after a contentious divorce, the challenge of maintaining relationships with children influenced by a difficult co-parent, and how to move forward with dignity and compassion even when reciprocation is lacking.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Preston’s Dilemma and Family Background

• Caller’s Situation (01:05):
  Preston describes having three adult children. His eldest daughter rarely acknowledges him, making him wonder if he should bother sending a birthday card.

  • “I went back and forth about sending her a birthday card only because she hardly acknowledges my existence... once in a blue moon, eight months a year, she’ll say thank you.” (Caller, 01:05)

• Root of Estrangement (01:46):
  Dr. Laura quickly identifies the likely cause: the parents’ divorce over 20 years prior.

2. History of the Divorce and Its Fallout

• Marriage Counseling & Blame (02:16):
  Preston details how counseling was ineffective, and his ex-wife continuously blamed him for her problems.

  • “No one who counseled with us agreed with her assessment... she doesn't want counsel, she just wants to blame you for whatever angst she's having.” (Caller, 02:19)

• Custody and Exchange Logistics (03:15):
  Preston recounts restrictive visitation arrangements, including exchanges at public locations and even a police station.

  • “She filed with the court to have the exchange taking place in a public parking lot somewhere... eventually, the police station.” (Caller, 03:15)

• Dr. Laura’s Assessment (04:48):
  Dr. Laura is blunt in her evaluation:

  • “So anyway, your ex-wife is mentally unbalanced. She has problems.” (Dr. Laura, 04:48)

3. Red Flags & Family Dynamics

• Ignored Red Flags (05:04 - 08:27):
  Dr. Laura asks about early warning signs in the marriage.

  • Preston shares:
    • His ex-wife’s combative relationship with her parents (“Who talks to their mother like that?”) (08:27)
    • Her intense reaction toward “liars” and anger issues

• Relationship with Other Children (08:51):

  • Preston: One daughter is entirely estranged; the middle child has a strong relationship with him.
  • Dr. Laura: Notes gratitude for the child who resisted the mother’s influence.
    • “Be grateful that somehow that child in the middle couldn’t be flipped by Mom.” (Dr. Laura, 09:08)

4. How The Middle Child Saw Through the Narrative

• Seeking Truth (09:20):
  The middle daughter moved in with him and directly questioned the narratives she’d heard from her mother, including false accusations of infidelity.

5. Advice on Reaching Out to Estranged Children

• To Send or Not to Send a Card? (10:13 - 11:05):
  Dr. Laura recommends Preston send his daughter a card, not out of expectation but as a gesture of consistent kindness.
  • “Just send a card because it's a nice thing to do, not because you have any expectation that it's ever going to get better... you're going to have to drop all expectations about two of them and just be nice.” (Dr. Laura, 10:17)
  • Suggestion: Include a small, thoughtful gift, such as a gift card.
  • Preston agrees, noting that not sending a card would “prove [the] mother’s point that [he’s] a terrible father.” (Caller, 10:59)
  • Dr. Laura affirms: “Yep, you’re right. I agree. Follow up, do it.” (Dr. Laura, 11:05)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dr. Laura (directly to Preston about his ex-wife):
  “She was cute and adorable when you dated her... but a lot of red flags that could have turned into a quilt covering my bed, but I ignored them.” (05:13)

• On Parental Alienation:
  “Since you married someone... you may not have realized she was unbalanced, and two of the kids got ruined by her and one didn’t. That’s where we are.” (Dr. Laura, 09:51)

• On Letting Go of Control:
  “Expect nothing. Be happy you get one out of three.” (Dr. Laura, 10:53)

• Practical Closure:
  “To not send a card would just prove the mother's point that I'm a terrible father. You know what I'm saying?” (Caller, 10:59)
  “Yep, you’re right. I agree. Follow up, do it.” (Dr. Laura, 11:05)

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Important Timestamps

• 01:05: Caller introduces the estrangement dilemma.
• 03:15: Caller details contentious visitation situations.
• 04:48: Dr. Laura calls out the ex-wife’s mental instability.
• 08:27: Discussion of behavioral red flags from ex-wife’s past.
• 09:20: The middle daughter’s reconnection and clarification.
• 10:17: Dr. Laura’s definitive advice on sending a birthday card.
• 10:59: Discussion of proving the ex-wife wrong by maintaining kindness.

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Tone and Language

Dr. Laura retains her signature blend of directness and practical compassion, occasionally using humor (“red flags that could have turned into a quilt”) and empathy, especially in acknowledging the difficult position Preston finds himself in. Her guidance is firm but sympathetic, focusing on what Preston can control: his own kindness and boundaries.

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Takeaway

This episode highlights the heartbreaking reality of estrangement fueled by parental alienation after divorce, but also offers hope: Stay consistent in kindness, manage expectations, and cherish the relationships that do survive adversity. Dr. Laura’s advice centers on personal integrity, emotional detachment from outcomes, and small gestures that endure beyond bitterness.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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[Caller]

Hi Dr. Laura, how are you?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger (Host)]

Good. How can I help?

[Caller]

Hey, thanks for taking my call. I've been listening to you for a couple of years. Wish I'd list to you about 30 years ago and I probably wouldn't be in this predicament, but be that as it may, I have a. I have three children and all adult children. My oldest one just had a birthday and I debated. I went back and forth about sending her a birthday card only because she hardly acknowledges my existence every now and again when I mean it, and when I say every now and again, I mean once in a blue moon, eight months a year, she'll say thank you.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger (Host)]

What is she pissy about? What is she pissy about?

[Caller]

A divorce from 20 some odd years ago.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger (Host)]

Okay, you need to go back into the history of what the marriage was like, what the family was like, what happened, what divorce? Give me everything.

[Caller]

Oh well, wow. We were in marriage counseling for a couple of years and because it was.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger (Host)]

The problem.

[Caller]

That'S the thing no one could really identify because my ex wouldn't really come clean what it was that was bothering her. She just blamed me for any and everything and insisted that I needed to be straightened out. And no one who counseled with us agreed with her assessment of the situation and, and just came to me and said she doesn't want counsel, she just wants to blame you for whatever angst she's having in her life and and leave it at that. So kind of blindsided me one day during counseling sessions. He said she wanted a divorce, which I never thought would happen, not that I wanted one. And she followed through with it and we got divorced and she kept spoon feeding the children that I was the best.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger (Host)]

How old were the kids when you got divorced? And what was the visitation set up?

[Caller]

Yeah. 10, 8, 6. You know, 5, 6. I got them every other weekend. And a Wednesday night, after a certain amount of time, she wouldn't let me pick them up at the house anymore. She. She filed with the court to have the exchange taking place in a public parking lot somewhere. So we would do that at a restaurant, and then after that, insisted that it be done in the parking lot of the local police station. It was just. It was just ludicrous. And.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger (Host)]

And the court let her get away with this nonsense even though she hadn't found that you were dangerous?

[Caller]

Yeah, that. Yeah, that was. That was very upsetting.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger (Host)]

Well, what argument. Whoa, hold it. What argument did she give the judge? That it should be in. In a parking lot and. Or at the police station parking lot? What argument did she give the judge?

[Caller]

I don't remember. I can't think of what it was. It was just ludicrous. But it was all an effort just to instill some fear in the kids about me. And a judge finally put a stop to it and at least the police station part, we had to go back to doing an exchange at the restaurant parking lot. And.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger (Host)]

So anyway, your. Your ex wife is mentally unbalanced. She has problems.

[Caller]

That's my assessment. Yeah.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger (Host)]

Yeah. She was cute and adorable when you dated her.

[Caller]

Mm, yeah. Yeah. Cute enough. Right. But a lot of red flags that could have turned into a quilt covering my bed, but I ignored them.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger (Host)]

Really? So just for fun's sake, give me some of the red flag.

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[Caller]

How she would argue with her parents. I remember coming down the stairs one day because I was hearing her just being loud and obnoxious on the phone, and I. I thought maybe she was talking to some. The cable guy or something that she was upset with. And I. You hung up the phone. I said, wow, who are you talking to? Oh, my mother. I said, what? Who talks to their mother like that?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger (Host)]

What other red flags? Name another one.

[Caller]

Liars. She. She. She would see. You could see the red anger in her eyes when she would talk about liars. I can't stand liars. Liars are this and liars are that. Like, yeah, I get that. But your reaction to me is a little over the top. Liars are liars will always be liars. You know, deal with them.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger (Host)]

Okay, so how did your relationship then go with the other girl? Other children?

[Caller]

My third child has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with me and my middle child. We're. We're on great terms.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger (Host)]

Well, then I urge you to be grateful that somehow that child in the middle couldn't be flipped by Mom. Why do you think that's. So.

[Caller]

She. She moved out of her mother's house at one point and moved in with me and came with a boatload of questions. And so we talked, and she would often say to me, that is what I thought, dad, but that's not what I was hearing from Mom. And I said, well, can you give.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger (Host)]

Me an example of that? What did she not hear from mom that she heard from you? Just one.

[Caller]

That I. That I cheated on her. That I had an extramarital affair.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger (Host)]

Okay, got it. All right. Talk about liars. All right, well, yeah, since you married. You married someone, you may not have realized that she was unbalanced, and two of the kids got ruined by her and one didn't. That's where we are.

[Caller]

Right? So, yeah, send a card.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger (Host)]

No, just send a card because it's a nice thing to do, not because you have any expectation that it's ever going to get better. It may or may not. She may get jealous of her sister that has a relationship with you. Who knows? Or she may just more satisfying to be close to Mommy. I don't know. But you're going to have to drop all expectations about two of them and just be nice. Send nice cards with a, you know, $25 gift card to some place that sells makeup.

[Caller]

Right? That's right. I would send her a gift card for, like a foot massage or something like that. She works hard. She's on her feet.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger (Host)]

Good idea. Expect nothing. Be happy you get one out of three.

[Caller]

But to not send a card would just prove the mother's point that I'm a terrible father. You know what I'm saying?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger (Host)]

Yep, you're right. I agree. Follow, follow up, do it.

[Caller]

All right. Thanks so much.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger (Host)]

All right. You're very welcome. My number, 1-800-375-2872.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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