Sometimes I Regret Marrying the Boy in the Band

Summary

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The Dr. Laura Podcast

Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Episode: Sometimes I Regret Marrying the Boy in the Band
Air Date: February 2, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode centers on a marital conflict between Mike and Stephanie, who have been navigating unresolved tensions throughout 23 years of marriage. Their recurring struggle: Mike’s lifelong involvement with his family’s generational band versus Stephanie’s longing for stability after a childhood marked by abandonment. Dr. Laura offers her candid, no-nonsense advice to help them understand one another’s core issues, let go of old expectations, redefine the concept of stability, and foster genuine connection.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introduction to Mike and Stephanie (01:32)

• Married 23 years, together since high school sweethearts.
• Five children (oldest 22; youngest 11).
• Mike is a passionate musician—his family band spans three generations.

2. The Lifelong Band & Its Role in the Marriage

• Mike: The band isn’t a career, but a cherished and ingrained family tradition. ("It's all I've ever known since the day I was born." – 03:54)
• The band once performed frequently (up to 40–50 times a year), but Mike has since limited his involvement to accommodate family obligations.

3. Historical Wounds and Patterns (05:22)

• Mike: Openly admits past “selfish” decisions—such as missing family milestones (e.g., leaving a newborn and wife for a gig the day after bringing their son home).
• He acknowledges spending years “defending” these actions and pouring "gasoline on the situation".

4. Stephanie’s Perspective: The Cost of Not Being Heard

• Stephanie describes years of lacking a “voice” in the relationship, particularly when Mike’s mother managed the band’s gigs and her pleas for support were ignored.
• She points to manipulative dynamics in the extended family and persistent feelings of being overwhelmed and sidelined. (“My voice has never been heard. It hasn’t mattered.” – 08:03)
• Despite compromises over the years, she feels she's upheld her end and Mike hasn't reciprocated.

5. Specific Unfulfilled Compromises (11:44)

• The latest instance: Stephanie requested marriage counseling. Mike agreed but never set it up, then prevaricated and delayed, using Dr. Laura as a vague alternative. ("He travels a lot for work... Can you set it up? And he said yes... A month goes by, and I asked, did you write the letter? Did you do it? And he said, no, because I’m scared you’re not going to be able to handle what she says about you." – Stephanie, 11:44)

6. Dr. Laura’s Interventions

a) Reality Check: The Myth of Resolution (03:03)

• “Most things in life are not resolved. People find ways to deal with it... There’s rarely some perfect resolution where everyone’s happy.”

b) The Real Roots of Conflict (14:06)

• Dr. Laura guides Mike and Stephanie to recognize this is about deeper needs—not just the band. Mike identifies Stephanie’s abandonment wounds from her childhood. Stephanie confirms she sought stability in Mike, who seemed kind and consistent—but overlooked his band ties.

c) Harsh Truths About Marriage and Stability (16:06)

• “Then, Stephanie, you made a mistake marrying him. Yeah, you had a notion that was totally wrong... And you believed that this was the solution. I hate to say it, but Mike has that part right. And it never will be.” (Dr. Laura, 16:06)
• Dr. Laura reframes long-term partnership: their 23-year marriage, five children, and mutual endurance is stability, albeit "bumpy and lumpy."

d) Calling Out Patterns and Offering the Fix (18:19 & 20:06)

• Dr. Laura implores Mike to acknowledge his self-centeredness and to stop “fighting your hurting woman.”
• She urges them to shift toward compassion, suggesting Mike recreate the bonding he gets from playing music—with Stephanie, through shared activities, attention, and warmth.
• Quote: “Frankly, you need it. She needs it. You told me you needed it when you got that close with your son with a joint activity. The same joint activity and attention and time and focus, lack of criticism, warmth is going to get it back with Stephanie. It's in your power.” (Dr. Laura, 19:30)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Mike (on the family band): “It’s all I’ve ever known since the day I was born.” (03:54)
• Stephanie (on her voice): “My voice has never been heard. It hasn’t mattered. The only way I could deal with it is just to say, fine, go do it.” (08:03)
• Dr. Laura (core insight): “You made a mistake if you wanted something more pure. This is bumpy and lumpy. However, here we are, and we do have elements of stability.” (17:53)
• Dr. Laura (on the value of what they do have): “Let’s call that stability. In spite of all the disappointments... you didn’t quit. You made five kids who are doing fine... So I think we have to look at stability in an entirely different way than a 15-year-old looks at stability. You have it, so stop fighting it.” (17:16)
• Dr. Laura (direct to Mike): “You’re a big grown man fighting your hurting woman. What kind of crap is that?... Don’t yell at her. Hug her... Go out for a muffin and some tea. Just be sweeter.” (20:28)

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Key Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:32 – Introduction to Mike and Stephanie, marriage & family background.
• 03:03 – Dr. Laura reframes ideas of "resolution" in marriage.
• 05:17–06:11 – Mike’s admissions of past selfishness.
• 08:03 – Stephanie voices her longstanding frustration and lack of agency.
• 11:44 – Stephanie’s unmet requests, specifically for marriage counseling.
• 14:06–16:40 – Dr. Laura connects Stephanie’s deeper issues to her childhood abandonment and false hopes for stability through Mike.
• 17:16–17:53 – Dr. Laura explains what true stability in marriage looks like.
• 18:19 – Direct call for self-awareness and change in both partners; Mike admits self-centeredness.
• 19:30 – Guidance for rebuilding connection through positive joint activities.
• 20:06–20:28 – Dr. Laura’s concluding practical advice for compassion and emotional presence.

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Episode Tone & Language

Dr. Laura’s language is brisk, direct, and sometimes provocative—it is compassionate but uncompromising. She challenges both partners to discard old narratives, own their wounds and limitations, and accept their “bumpy” but real version of family stability. The conversation frequently uses wry humor, especially regarding the couple's “ugly but good” kids, and leverages straightforward, practical language meant to cut through indecision.

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Takeaways for Listeners

• Stability isn’t perfection: Decades-long partnership through adversity is its own form of stability, even if messy.
• Recognize deeper wounds: Behavioral disputes in marriage often echo childhood emotional wounds.
• Real change is in the small moments: Shared activities, warmth, and presence beat endless conflict or chasing unattainable ideals.
• Be present, not just correct: Sometimes, being emotionally available matters more than being right.

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Transcript

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[Mike]

Hello.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Hello. Hello, Mike. Hello, Stephanie. How old are you both?

[Mike]

I'm 46.

[Stephanie]

I'm 44.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

And how long have you been married?

[Mike]

23 years.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

And any kids? If so how many? How old?

[Mike]

Five kids. Oldest just turned 22. Next oldest is 20 and then we have a 18 year old, 17 year old and an 11 year old.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Ah, wow. Congratulations. Any of them a drug addict?

[Stephanie]

No.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Hey, even better. Okay, I'm not getting that call.

[Mike]

All ugly kids, but all good kids.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

That's. Well, ugly means good. That's, that's what it is around. So how can I help?

[Mike]

Okay, so we're hoping you can solve an issue that's been a part of us since day one. Just quick 30,000 foot background. We're high school sweethearts, started dating when we were, you know, she was 15, I was 17. Dated six years, got married and started having kids and all that. And we have a, we have an issue that, that constantly has caused rifts and over the years we found ways to kind of work through it, but it's just never been resolved. So. I'm a musician, my family.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Yes, Most things in life are not resolved People find ways to deal with it. So I don't want you to have the expectation that somehow there's going to be a resolution where there's going to be a big decision made that one of you gets what you want and the other doesn't, and the one who doesn't is still going to be happy about it. That is so rare. I don't even try to count it. Basically, I'm here to help you guys deal with things in a fair and loving way with each other, even though you're disappointed at certain aspects. So I just want everybody clear on the expectations. So you're a musician and is that your full time work to earn money to support the family?

[Mike]

No, no, it's just, it's just a fun hobby thing that I do that it's. My family has a band that goes back three generations. Started with my grandfather and his, his brothers and passed down to my father and their sons. And then, you know, I'm regeneration. So almost 75 years. My family is so. It's all I've ever known since the day I was born.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

And so what about your kids? Any one of them picked up a violin yet?

[Mike]

Actually, my oldest son, yes, he, he plays in the band with us as well. And it's probably some of the most quality time I get to spend with him now that he's an adult and in college, so.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

And how often does your band get to perform?

[Mike]

Great question. Years ago, when I was, when I was younger and I was, you know, growing up, it was all the time it could be. It could be every weekend, you know, during the busy season, you know, I mean, we could play 30 plus times A, you know, a year or something like that, or even more. Could be 40, 50, whatever. And where the issue comes in is when I was younger and you know, when I was younger and it was all a part, I just made a lot of bad decisions with it, a lot of selfish decisions with it. And I would, I admit that a lot. I mean.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

What do you mean selfish decisions with it? What do you mean?

[Mike]

Well, I'll just give you the worst one that I'll admit. It was pretty horrible when I, my, ironically, my son, the one that plays in the band now, when we brought him home from the hospital, we had a wedding to play for that following Saturday and we come home from the hospital with him and I went and played that wedding, which was pretty selfish and egregious.

[Stephanie]

You played the wedding that day?

[Mike]

Oh, yeah.

[Stephanie]

Me off and you left?

[Mike]

Yeah, it was that day and that's terrific. Pretty stupid. I'll admit that was pretty stupid. And, and then I spent probably a decade of our marriage defending those actions, you know, and, and I admit that was pretty selfish and dumb. And it just continued to pour gasoline on the, on, on the situation.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Well, what. Where are we now, though? It's many. It's almost a quarter of a century later. So where are we now with this?

[Mike]

So now I've learned from all that. And, and I work really hard to limit the band to where it's not all the time. And I, you know, I have structured it in a way where if, if we happen to have a gig, but something comes up. For example, one of our kids has an event or something. I always have an eject button for the most part where I can find somebody to fill in for me and I just won't go. And I'll go to.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Oh, okay. Well then, then what's the. Let me hear from Stephanie. So, Stephanie, what's the problem now? I mean, it's better than it's ever been. So what's the problem now?

[Stephanie]

It is.

[Mike]

It is.

[Stephanie]

And you know, I kind of felt like when the kids were little, I did not have much of a voice. It was my mother in law that did the scheduling. So I was just kind of told, this is what's going to happen. And even when I was upset and I would cry and I would say, I'm overwhelmed, I need you home. It didn't matter because then I was breaking a bride's heart because she wasn't going to have her band. It was very manipulative in a lot of ways. Why? I'm older now and I'm kind of tired of it. And so I gave him. I shouldn't say I gave him. We've made a lot of compromises over the years and I can 100% say I've lived up to every compromise and he has not lived up to one. But that's beside the point. Like last year.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

That's not. Whoa, wait, wait. That's never beside the point. You know, you started out by saying, ma', am. Ma'. Am. You started out by saying it didn't have a voice. When you say it does things like it doesn't matter and it's fine. That's you giving away your voice again.

[Stephanie]

That's true.

[Mike]

You're right.

[Stephanie]

Sorry. My voice has never been heard. It hasn't mattered. And so the only way that I could deal with it is just to say, fine, go do it. But if you're gonna do It. Can you do this for me instead? Like, you know what I mean? Like make it right with myself. Like he's gonna go do that, but he's gonna do this for me.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Please. I get it. So you said you made deals. You kept your end of the bargain by being okay about the gigs, but he didn't follow through. Would you please give him. I'm gonna take a break. I want you to think about at least two things that you asked him to do and he didn't follow through for you. This seems like it's going to be the important part here, so I'm going to put you guys on hold. I have to take a break. I'm obligated. So I'll be right back. You got to think of you tempered down, being upset about the gig, and then he didn't follow through. Let's talk about that. I'm Dr. Laura Schlesinger.

[Stephanie]

I'll be right back.

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[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Back to Mike and Stephanie. Okay, Stephanie, you had a good amount of time to think about when you made deals with Mike. He didn't hold up his end of the bargain. Could you give him and me some examples, please? Sure.

[Stephanie]

You know, I'll just start with the last one. So about six months ago, you know, we had this. We had the argument about it, and I said, I think we need to go to a marriage counselor. Like I think we need. You know, we're just going in circles. We need an impartial third party. I said, he travels a lot for work, so I don't always know his schedule. So I said, can you set it up? And he said, yes, I will set it up. The two weeks later, you know, he has a fight. And I said, did you set it up? And he says, I won't go to anybody until we talk to Dr. Laura. I said, great, fine. Do what you got to do. I'll talk to Dr. Laura. A month goes by, and I asked, I said, did you write the letter? Did you do it? And he said, no, because I'm scared that you're not going to be able to handle what she says about you. I said, okay, let's not go to Dr. Laura. I said, then let's. I said, then let's not go to Dr. Laura. Let's. Let's go to. Let's go to somebody else. Let's go to. And I mean, and still to this day, once a month, we have an argument about, have you. Have you set this up? Have you done this? I mean, he's still playing in the band.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

So my counseling. Do you want to explain? Okay. Okay. Mike, did you really say to Stephanie, she might not like what I have to say to her.

[Mike]

So I don't know if those were my exact words, but Dr. Laura, I think this is so much deeper than the band situation because I gave up the band for an entire year and we fought about this even more during those times. I. And, and where we get into fights is about. It is she has it in her mind that there's going to be this magical, magical moment that I'm going to be able to fix everything I did in the past. I wholeheartedly admit, yes, I was really bad about a lot of stuff for, for years.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Okay.

[Mike]

And.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Okay, so you, you thought I was going to tear into her. Because you see, the problem is largely.

[Stephanie]

Her.

[Mike]

Not that she's the problem. I think it goes, I think it goes.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Well, tell me, tell me in one sentence, what's the deeper? If you're aware it's deeper. Tell me where that deeper is. What is it?

[Mike]

She has a lot of abandonment. She struggles with the feeling of abandonment because her mom and dad got together in a one night stand and she didn't know her dad for, until she was a toddler. And, and she even admitted to me several, several different times that, that she saw the potential in fixing some of that hurt with me. And I didn't know because I thought.

[Stephanie]

He was a very stable person and that's what I wanted for me and for my future children.

[Mike]

And so then when I made a lot of the mistakes.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute. Let me, let me. Woo hoo. You thought what was stable? What were the ingredients that you saw in him at early 20s as stability? He was in a band. What did you see as. I want you to calm down, Stephanie, and just give me one sentence. Stability. What was the evidence for stability?

[Stephanie]

He was kind, he could carry a job. He did not have a hundred other relationships. He did not. He wasn't chaotic.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

But he did.

[Stephanie]

He loved Jesus play, but he did.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Play with the band and took up a lot of time with that. Does that give you a sense of lacking stability?

[Stephanie]

So when we dated, just yes or no? Yes or no at that time? No, because when I. I'm asking you today.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Today. Stay with me. Come on. This is a radio program. I only have a certain amount of time. I can't spend two months getting the two of you to give me everything I need to hear. Okay, so you really need to just answer my questions. Both of you have to do that. I want to know if his playing the gigs a lot diminishes that sense of stability and safety.

[Stephanie]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Okay. Then, Stephanie, you made a mistake marrying him. Yeah, you had a notion that was totally wrong. He was nice to you, he was cute and he played in a band. And when you're young, that is hot and all of that. And you had the family stuff and you believed that this was the solution. I hate to say it, but Mike has that part right. And it never will be.

[Stephanie]

You're right.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Not because he's a shit, which you fight with him about, because you think he's a shit. I mean, he has been sort of self centered and he was brought up to be that way. And what can I tell you? You were brought up without stability. He was brought up to be a self centered shit. His mother contributed to it. We all know it. All right, so both of you have limitations. He was brought up to consider himself. You were not brought up. And you were desperate to have the family that would give you all the feelings. It never will. But I got news for you about one good thing. And I'd like the fighting to stop. It's stupid. That the two of you still fight is just stupid. It's useless. It's stupid. So I think you should just stop that. But Stephanie and Mike, it's almost a quarter of a century that you stayed with each other. Let's call that stability. In spite of all the disappointments, the hurts, the frustrations, the angers, you didn't quit. You made five kids who were doing fine. They're all ugly, which means they're all good. So I think we have to look at stability in an entirely different way than a 15 year old looks at stability. You have it, so stop fighting it. And yeah, Mike, self centered. Yes, you are, Mike.

[Mike]

Yeah, I. And I know.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Don't go on, just say, yes, I am. I'm self centered. Just say it.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Caller or Commentator]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Thank you. And we're not talking about history today. You are self centered.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

So we have two things. Stephanie needs to look at you and realize that the continuity and family is the stability she's been looking for. She already has it. She's got to stop looking for it. It's here. It's not clean and easy, but it's here. You have five great kids. Trust me, I spend a lot of time on air hearing about crappy kids. Okay, so five good kids with the two of you being nutcases, fighting all the time about this shit. That is so amazing that your kids aren't all in stupors. Okay? Now outside of everything else is great. Yeah, Mike, stop being so self centered. Spread it out a Little bit. You said you'd feel really close to your son when you play with him in the band. I need you to find some things so that you have that same really close with Stephanie. Spend that time to create that same bonded feeling. Frankly, you need it. She needs it. You told me you needed it when I got that. You got it with your son with a joint activity. The same joint activity and attention and time and focus, lack of criticism, warmth is going to get it back with Stephanie. It's in your power.

[Mike]

Can I ask a question about that? Because.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

No, no, no, no. I need you to think and not do what most people do at this point in the conversation. We do all of that. No, you don't. You do a lot of fighting instead. So use what you've learned. Make this better. Stephanie's got to understand she has the only stability she could imagine ever having with this guy. 23 years loyalty, 5 kids, roof over her head. This is the stability that she volunteered for at a very young age before she knew anything. So she made a mistake if she wanted something more pure. This is bumpy and lumpy. However, here we are, and we do have elements of stability and Mike, more bonding with her. No more fighting your woman. Don't yell at her. Hug her. She's upset. She feels lonely because you're not there. Hug her. Go out for a muffin and some tea. Just be sweeter. So you be sweeter my number. And don't you dare fight with your woman anymore. Any man who keeps doing that, I consider that like, abusive behavior. And you're a big grown man fighting your hurting woman. What kind of crap is that? What kind of a grown man does that? Feels that insecure that he has to fight with a woman? Come on. My number. 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course. I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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