The Best Way to Deal With Teen Girls

Summary

The Dr. Laura Podcast: "The Best Way to Deal With Teen Girls"

Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: November 11, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Dr. Laura takes a call from a father (technically a stepfather) seeking advice on parenting his 16-year-old stepdaughter. The discussion centers on how parents can best support and respond to emotional volatility in teenage girls, particularly when it comes to academic setbacks and family dynamics. Through a real-life example presented by the caller, Dr. Laura gives direct, practical advice on the healthiest approach to teenage struggles—focusing on emotional independence, appropriate parental boundaries, and reducing unnecessary intervention and pressure.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Family Background & The Initial Problem

• Caller’s Family Structure:
  • Married to wife nearly 10 years, three children (biological father to two young boys, stepfather to 16-year-old girl).
  • Stepdaughter’s biological father is absent; caller provides day-to-day paternal support.
• Problem Statement:
  • Stepdaughter “spirals” emotionally when things don’t go her way—escalating to outbursts and “rage.”
  • Both parents struggle to calm her or effectively address the situation once it’s escalated.

Notable Quote:

“None of this sounds unusual so far.”
—Dr. Laura [04:00]

Parental Approach: What’s Not Working

• Caller’s Routine:
  • Parents attempt to talk things through, address why daughter’s upset, and provide solutions.
• Dr. Laura’s Feedback:
  • Current approach is “totally wrong”—trying to solve or analyze in the heat of the moment only intensifies negative emotions.
  • Over-involvement and over-questioning can feel like “poking the bear,” making the teen defensive and increasingly emotional.

Notable Quote:

“You do enough poking the bear and the bear goes crazy... Don’t poke the bear.”
—Dr. Laura [12:34]

Step-by-Step Example: “The Quiz Incident”

Timeline:

• Afternoon Routine [07:31–09:23]
  • Kids come home, parents chat in the kitchen.
  • 16-year-old daughter studies for her driver’s license quiz, eats dinner early, goes to her driving class.
• After Class [10:01–11:00]
  • Caller picks up daughter, who is upset after failing her driver’s quiz. She texts the family expressing frustration.
  • Caller’s default response is to ask if she studied enough and how she performed.

Dr. Laura’s Recommended Alternative:

• Do not analyze or probe in the moment.
• Respond lightly, with empathy but emotional neutrality: “Oh, that’s too bad. Did you flunk really bad or just semi bad? And they’re going to let you take it again? Cool. There’s a good movie on tonight. Want to watch?”
• Shifts focus away from the emotional storm and provides family connection without pressure or dwelling.

Notable Quote:

“The main point of raising children is to teach them to be independent and not need you.”
—Dr. Laura [11:03]

Underlying Themes

• Adolescent Emotional Outbursts:
  • Normal part of teenage development, especially for those with complex early family dynamics (e.g., absent parent).
  • Emotional escalation is often driven by shame or embarrassment, not defiance.
• Parental Over-Involvement:
  • Trying too hard to ‘solve’ or ‘fix’ only makes things worse.
  • Important for parents to back off, allow teens to manage their own feelings, and only step in when specifically asked for help.

Notable Quote:

“Anger is what a kitty cat looks like when it’s backed against a wall... Cat is so scared that now it hisses and with the little talons coming out.”
—Dr. Laura [12:11]

When the Teen Asks for Help

• If teen asks for assistance, ask “What kind of help would you like?”
• Support requests take the lead from the teen rather than imposing parental solutions.

Notable Quote:

“You keep putting it back on her. What kind of help do you want?”
—Dr. Laura [13:56]

Performance Pressure & Grades

• Caller worries about ensuring that daughter is “putting in the work” for her good grades.
• Dr. Laura challenges this approach, calling it a “jail” mentality—nobody constantly works to their “full potential,” and academic policing is counterproductive for teens who are already performing.
• Urges parent to loosen up, reduce pressure, and appreciate the positives.

Notable Quotes:

“I think you should work in a jail... This is the mentality of parents who really should be working in a jail. Making sure they're doing it to full potential.”
—Dr. Laura [15:24]

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Key Advice & Takeaways

• Don’t Overanalyze in Emotional Moments: Wait for calm before addressing upsets, don’t offer solutions uninvited.
• Promote Teen Independence: Focus on raising independent young adults, not “fixing” every problem.
• Don’t Poke the Bear: Resist probing or trying to solve problems during high emotion; redirect gently and support normalcy.
• Respond Only to Specific Help Requests: Let teens define the assistance they want.
• Trust the Process: If grades are good and the basics are covered, loosen the perfectionist grip.
• Normalize Emotional Struggles: Teen emotional volatility is normal, especially with a background of early abandonment.

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Memorable Quotes with Timestamps

• [04:00] Dr. Laura: "None of this sounds unusual so far."
• [11:03] Dr. Laura: "The main point of raising children is to teach them to be independent and not need you."
• [12:34] Dr. Laura: "You do enough poking the bear and the bear goes crazy... Don’t poke the bear."
• [12:11] Dr. Laura: "Anger is what a kitty cat looks like when it’s backed against a wall. Cat is so scared that now it hisses and with the little talons coming out."
• [13:56] Dr. Laura: "You keep putting it back on her. What kind of help do you want?"
• [15:24] Dr. Laura: "I think you should work in a jail. This is the mentality of parents who really should be working in a jail. Making sure they're doing it to full potential."

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Important Segments & Timestamps

• [01:12–03:09] Family structure, stepchild background, and main parenting struggle revealed.
• [04:00] Dr. Laura normalizes teen emotional volatility.
• [10:01–11:00] Story of the “quiz incident” and response breakdown.
• [12:34–14:41] Dr. Laura’s step-by-step recommendations and deeper explanation.
• [15:24] Discussion of parental pressure and need to “loosen up.”

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Conclusion

This episode delivers clear, no-nonsense parenting advice centered around the emotional independence of teens, especially girls dealing with academic or developmental challenges. Dr. Laura’s approach is to pull back, allow space for the young person to resolve their own upset, and avoid the classic parental pitfalls of over-involvement and persistent pressure. For listeners navigating teen parenting, her perspective offers practical tools—and a healthy reality check—on supporting girls through adolescence.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thanks for listening to my call of the day. Sponsored by Native Path Collagen, the collagen I take daily to support healthy joints, skin, bones and gut. Go to getnativepath.com drlaura for free shipping and a special bundle deal at a fraction of the retail. Remember, you can hear my radio program daily on Sirius XM Triumph. And connect with me [e-mail] Will. Welcome to the program.

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

Hi, Dr. Laura. Thanks for taking my call.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You're welcome.

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

So my wife and I have three kids. Two boys, six, eight. My daughter is 16 years old. My daughter.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Are you the parents of all three of them?

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

So the two boys are. Are biologically mine. My wife and I have been married for almost 10 years. Daughter is.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So she's. She's your stepdaughter.

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

So.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And where's her dad? Where's her dad?

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

Not in the picture.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Why is he not in the picture? Why is he not in the picture?

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

Because he never entered the picture for the most part.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So she got knocked up by a stranger. She was raped. How did it happen?

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

No, no, ma'. Am. She was in a relationship with this man. They separated, and then I met my wife, now the dog, the mother to my two boys.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So she was not married?

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

No.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And how old was the kid when the two of them separated from each other?

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

Probably less than or right around a year old. And I met my wife when my daughter.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I'm not asking you about when you met your wife.

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

Yep.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I'm trying to find out about this girl's father.

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

Yep.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Because there's an issue already. He's totally not there. That's an abandonment, a rejection that makes kids feel bad, even if they have a nice stepdad like you. So oftentimes, there's that issue. I assume you called to talk about the daughter. I don't know why. I just have the Feeling. So.

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

What is your problem with the daughter now?

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

So my daughter. My wife and I have been together for almost 10 years. So as I know, I'm not her biological dad. But in all relative purposes, can you.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Tell me, though, what the problem is that you see?

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

Yes. So she's a good student, does well in school, doesn't understand.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Good student is not a problem. Please, can you tell me what the problem is? Please, I'm begging you.

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

I'm sorry. So we have times where she spirals if things don't go her way, and then it. It. She ends up coming up with a problem for every solution, and then it turns into comparison and then eventually rage.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, I know you haven't had much experience with teenage girls, but none of this sounds unusual so far.

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

Okay. When we get there, there's nothing we can say to do or do.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Of course not. When you've lost your mind. When I'm beside myself with anger or scare or something. Rational discussion at that point is not very useful. You know that.

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

What do we do in the most recent.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

What does her mommy do? What does her mommy do? Or is it all on your back?

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

No, it's kind of whoever's present in that moment.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

What does mommy do.

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

When one of these situations arises?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Yeah, that's what we're talking about, for sure.

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

Yeah. Yep. So mom will try to talk to her about why she's upset, and then we will try to. And, you know, whether it's a comparison to somebody else or why she did bad on a test or whatever it might be.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Oh, you sent in a letter. I read the letter. Okay, you're doing it totally wrong, which is fine, because you can erase it from your heads and we can do it right now.

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay. Just erase it off of your heads.

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[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

I'm sorry.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Give me an example of the last time she couldn't control. She couldn't manage her emotions.

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

Last night.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

What happened last night?

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

So kind of like, well, tell me.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

From 4 o' clock in the afternoon on what was going on with every member of this family and then tell me when the problem happened. So I need the whole background from about 4:00 clock on.

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

So 4:00 clock on, kids arrive home off the bus, including her mom's home. I'm home most days around that time as well. We're home. Everybody kind of. We see how everybody's day went. We talk for a little bit after they get in on the bus.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Talk about what? Who talks? Where? Where are you sitting when. Who's talking?

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

Mom and I are both in. In the kitchen. That's, you know, when they come in the door. It's right there. So we're talking with them about their days as they come in. They go about doing whatever. You know, the boys may go play their games or whatever, go see the cats that are in the other room. Daughter will go up to her room around 6 o'. Clock. We had. She had driving.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

What is she doing between 4 and 6? Is she spending all her time on the phone? What does she do?

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

We did have dinner prior to that. Sorry. And prior to going. But otherwise she's in her room. She was studying.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, now you lost me. Now you lost me. She came home at 4?

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

What did she do from 4 to 4? 20.

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

Went to her room to do what? Study.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I need to know what goes on. So she was studying, you know for sure she's doing schoolwork?

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

She was this day? Yes. Studying for her driver's ship.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, good. Oh, that's not schoolwork. Now, see how you're not giving things that are clear?

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

I'm sorry, that's not schoolwork.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

She wants to get a driver's license. So she's studying the book on all the rules. Yeah. Okay.

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

Yes, ma'.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Am. Go ahead.

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

Yes, ma'. Am. Because she had the class that evening and there was going to be this quiz, so we probably ate dinner quarter after five, you know, around there, because her class was like six o'. Clock. So she had that time in between then to be working on that.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay.

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

And then six o', clock, it was probably quarter, quarter to six. We, we left and we went. I dropped her off a driver's training and then. Okay, picked her up at, at 8.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Got it. So you're in the car, coming home and what's happening then?

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

So she had sent a message because she has a cell phone after taking this quiz that went badly and saying to us, I did very badly. I failed this quiz. They're telling me that if I fail again, I can't get my license.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, okay, stop. You tell me she does well in school, so she's not stupid. It sounds like she didn't prepare enough.

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

I agree.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, so you got her in the car and what did she do in the car?

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

In the car I asked her about the quiz, the questions, and she told me she did terrible. I said, well, did you take enough time to study?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, wrong, wrong, wrong. The main point of raising children is to teach them to be independent and not need you. I think most parents don't have that notion in their minds. It's to have them leave you, not have to rely on you for obvious things. She knew she didn't study enough, so at that point you go, oh, well, that's too bad. So they're going to let you take it again. Well, that's cool. So there's a good movie on tonight. You want to see it? That's it. Oh, we, we know you're upset and you're tired and you're angry and you're going to blame it on somebody else or blah, blah, blah. Don't go into any of that. You extricate yourself from that completely. Oh, well, that's too bad. You flunked. Did you flunk really bad or just semi bad? That would have been my question. Did we get zero or at least 20? What did we get? And they're going to let you take it again. Cool. All right. There's this really good, scary but not gross movie on tonight. It's Halloween. Would you like to see it with the family? I would change the subject and leave it to her. You're trying too hard. I read the letter you wrote and thank you for sending it. I forwarded it to Dan so Dan could call you so you could come on the air. You're working too hard at it. How does it make you feel? You do enough poking the bear and the bear goes crazy. And then she escalates to a point because she's ashamed and embarrassed, which makes her escalate even more. And then she's more embarrassed and ashamed and it just goes. And that's where the name calling and bad crap happens. Don't poke the bear. If she's upset about something, say, okay, I understand you're upset about the turnips being in the stew. I don't know. What do you want to do? In other words, everything goes back to the part of her brain which is coming up with solutions and not the part of her brain which is feeling dumb, gets defensive and gets angry. Because anger is what a kitty cat looks like when it's backed against a wall. The cat's not angry. Cat is so scared that now it hisses and with the little talons coming out. Do you understand what I'm saying?

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

I think so. What if she asks us? She asks for help. You know, she asked.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

No, no, no. You see, if you do it my way, a lot of the stuff that she does to you is not going to happen. Now, let's just say it all stayed calm. She gets home and you say to the mom, yeah, flunk the thing. But she's allowed to do it again. Can I have some coffee? That's it. You move on. If she then says, I need help, say, well, what kind of help would you like? Well, I'd like you to read it aloud with me. Okay. Your mom and I can take turns doing that, but you keep putting it back on her. What kind of help do you want? Parents usual response is, of course we'll help you. We're going to set up these sessions and then the kid becomes angry. You have to understand, in a kid, angry is sort of a default position when they're feeling like.

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

Yeah, my. I think, I guess my. My question and turn to that. You Know, I want to know if I'm doing something wrong and I'm perpetuating it is, you know, we know she's.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Intelligent and I just explained this all to you.

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

I'm. I'm. It's more.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

No, you're asking that. You're just going backwards. You're just going backwards.

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

It's pertaining to her grades, though.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Are her grades okay?

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

Yes, yes, and.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, then why am I talking about her grades?

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

But we want to make sure she's putting in the work. Right, to get those grades.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Oh my God. I think you should work in a jail. This is the mentality of parents who really should be working in a jail. Making sure they're doing it to full potential. Making sure she's a human being. And you, sir, have never worked to your full potential. No, nobody has. And if she's getting good grades, you know, I can't do this anymore because I'm hearing a parent for whom it's just not enough.

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

We putting too much pressure. We're putting too much pressure on her.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, then don't put pressure.

[Caller (Father/Stepfather)]

Which we. We really. We don't. She usually comes to us after.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, I'm going to let you go. I can't go in a circle again. I'm sorry, I must not have explained things well enough. Leave things to her. She's 15. She needs to feel she's competent on her own. If she needs help, she'll ask for it. When she does, ask specifically what she'd like to have you do. Otherwise, be grateful she studies, does her homework, gets good grades. Now, I don't know if she undermined the whole thing about the car. Some kids don't want the responsibility and what have you of driving. So I'm not talking to the kid. I'm talking to a parent who seems to be a bottomless pit of trying to do everything right. Loosen up my number. 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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