
Will is having a heck of a time helping his teenage stepdaughter work to her full potential. Got a dilemma? Call 1-800-DR-LAURA / 1-800-375-2872 or make an appointment at DrLaura.com - Listen to The Dr. Laura Program daily on SiriusXM Triumph 123.
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Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Thanks for listening to my call of the day. Sponsored by Native Path Collagen, the collagen I take daily to support healthy joints, skin, bones and gut. Go to getnativepath.com drlaura for free shipping and a special bundle deal at a fraction of the retail. Remember, you can hear my radio program daily on Sirius XM Triumph. And connect with me 24.7@drlaura.com Will. Welcome to the program.
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
Hi, Dr. Laura. Thanks for taking my call.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
You're welcome.
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
So my wife and I have three kids. Two boys, six, eight. My daughter is 16 years old. My daughter.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Are you the parents of all three of them?
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
So the two boys are. Are biologically mine. My wife and I have been married for almost 10 years. Daughter is.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
So she's. She's your stepdaughter.
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
So.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
And where's her dad? Where's her dad?
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
Not in the picture.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Why is he not in the picture? Why is he not in the picture?
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
Because he never entered the picture for the most part.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
So she got knocked up by a stranger. She was raped. How did it happen?
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
No, no, ma'. Am. She was in a relationship with this man. They separated, and then I met my wife, now the dog, the mother to my two boys.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
So she was not married?
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
No.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
And how old was the kid when the two of them separated from each other?
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
Probably less than or right around a year old. And I met my wife when my daughter.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
I'm not asking you about when you met your wife.
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
Yep.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
I'm trying to find out about this girl's father.
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
Yep.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Because there's an issue already. He's totally not there. That's an abandonment, a rejection that makes kids feel bad, even if they have a nice stepdad like you. So oftentimes, there's that issue. I assume you called to talk about the daughter. I don't know why. I just have the Feeling. So.
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
Yes.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
What is your problem with the daughter now?
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
So my daughter. My wife and I have been together for almost 10 years. So as I know, I'm not her biological dad. But in all relative purposes, can you.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Tell me, though, what the problem is that you see?
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
Yes. So she's a good student, does well in school, doesn't understand.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Good student is not a problem. Please, can you tell me what the problem is? Please, I'm begging you.
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
I'm sorry. So we have times where she spirals if things don't go her way, and then it. It. She ends up coming up with a problem for every solution, and then it turns into comparison and then eventually rage.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Okay, I know you haven't had much experience with teenage girls, but none of this sounds unusual so far.
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
Okay. When we get there, there's nothing we can say to do or do.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Of course not. When you've lost your mind. When I'm beside myself with anger or scare or something. Rational discussion at that point is not very useful. You know that.
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
What do we do in the most recent.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
What does her mommy do? What does her mommy do? Or is it all on your back?
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
No, it's kind of whoever's present in that moment.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
What does mommy do.
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
When one of these situations arises?
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Yeah, that's what we're talking about, for sure.
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
Yeah. Yep. So mom will try to talk to her about why she's upset, and then we will try to. And, you know, whether it's a comparison to somebody else or why she did bad on a test or whatever it might be.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Oh, you sent in a letter. I read the letter. Okay, you're doing it totally wrong, which is fine, because you can erase it from your heads and we can do it right now.
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
Okay.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Okay. Just erase it off of your heads.
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Caller (Father/Stepfather)
I'm sorry.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Give me an example of the last time she couldn't control. She couldn't manage her emotions.
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
Last night.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
What happened last night?
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
So kind of like, well, tell me.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
From 4 o' clock in the afternoon on what was going on with every member of this family and then tell me when the problem happened. So I need the whole background from about 4:00 clock on.
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
So 4:00 clock on, kids arrive home off the bus, including her mom's home. I'm home most days around that time as well. We're home. Everybody kind of. We see how everybody's day went. We talk for a little bit after they get in on the bus.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Talk about what? Who talks? Where? Where are you sitting when. Who's talking?
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
Mom and I are both in. In the kitchen. That's, you know, when they come in the door. It's right there. So we're talking with them about their days as they come in. They go about doing whatever. You know, the boys may go play their games or whatever, go see the cats that are in the other room. Daughter will go up to her room around 6 o'. Clock. We had. She had driving.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
What is she doing between 4 and 6? Is she spending all her time on the phone? What does she do?
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
We did have dinner prior to that. Sorry. And prior to going. But otherwise she's in her room. She was studying.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Okay, now you lost me. Now you lost me. She came home at 4?
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
Yes.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
What did she do from 4 to 4? 20.
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
Went to her room to do what? Study.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
I need to know what goes on. So she was studying, you know for sure she's doing schoolwork?
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
She was this day? Yes. Studying for her driver's ship.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Okay, good. Oh, that's not schoolwork. Now, see how you're not giving things that are clear?
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
I'm sorry, that's not schoolwork.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
She wants to get a driver's license. So she's studying the book on all the rules. Yeah. Okay.
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
Yes, ma'.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Am. Go ahead.
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
Yes, ma'. Am. Because she had the class that evening and there was going to be this quiz, so we probably ate dinner quarter after five, you know, around there, because her class was like six o'. Clock. So she had that time in between then to be working on that.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Okay.
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
And then six o', clock, it was probably quarter, quarter to six. We, we left and we went. I dropped her off a driver's training and then. Okay, picked her up at, at 8.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Got it. So you're in the car, coming home and what's happening then?
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
So she had sent a message because she has a cell phone after taking this quiz that went badly and saying to us, I did very badly. I failed this quiz. They're telling me that if I fail again, I can't get my license.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Okay, okay, stop. You tell me she does well in school, so she's not stupid. It sounds like she didn't prepare enough.
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
I agree.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Okay, so you got her in the car and what did she do in the car?
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
In the car I asked her about the quiz, the questions, and she told me she did terrible. I said, well, did you take enough time to study?
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Okay, wrong, wrong, wrong. The main point of raising children is to teach them to be independent and not need you. I think most parents don't have that notion in their minds. It's to have them leave you, not have to rely on you for obvious things. She knew she didn't study enough, so at that point you go, oh, well, that's too bad. So they're going to let you take it again. Well, that's cool. So there's a good movie on tonight. You want to see it? That's it. Oh, we, we know you're upset and you're tired and you're angry and you're going to blame it on somebody else or blah, blah, blah. Don't go into any of that. You extricate yourself from that completely. Oh, well, that's too bad. You flunked. Did you flunk really bad or just semi bad? That would have been my question. Did we get zero or at least 20? What did we get? And they're going to let you take it again. Cool. All right. There's this really good, scary but not gross movie on tonight. It's Halloween. Would you like to see it with the family? I would change the subject and leave it to her. You're trying too hard. I read the letter you wrote and thank you for sending it. I forwarded it to Dan so Dan could call you so you could come on the air. You're working too hard at it. How does it make you feel? You do enough poking the bear and the bear goes crazy. And then she escalates to a point because she's ashamed and embarrassed, which makes her escalate even more. And then she's more embarrassed and ashamed and it just goes. And that's where the name calling and bad crap happens. Don't poke the bear. If she's upset about something, say, okay, I understand you're upset about the turnips being in the stew. I don't know. What do you want to do? In other words, everything goes back to the part of her brain which is coming up with solutions and not the part of her brain which is feeling dumb, gets defensive and gets angry. Because anger is what a kitty cat looks like when it's backed against a wall. The cat's not angry. Cat is so scared that now it hisses and with the little talons coming out. Do you understand what I'm saying?
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
I think so. What if she asks us? She asks for help. You know, she asked.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
No, no, no. You see, if you do it my way, a lot of the stuff that she does to you is not going to happen. Now, let's just say it all stayed calm. She gets home and you say to the mom, yeah, flunk the thing. But she's allowed to do it again. Can I have some coffee? That's it. You move on. If she then says, I need help, say, well, what kind of help would you like? Well, I'd like you to read it aloud with me. Okay. Your mom and I can take turns doing that, but you keep putting it back on her. What kind of help do you want? Parents usual response is, of course we'll help you. We're going to set up these sessions and then the kid becomes angry. You have to understand, in a kid, angry is sort of a default position when they're feeling like.
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
Yeah, my. I think, I guess my. My question and turn to that. You Know, I want to know if I'm doing something wrong and I'm perpetuating it is, you know, we know she's.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Intelligent and I just explained this all to you.
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
I'm. I'm. It's more.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
No, you're asking that. You're just going backwards. You're just going backwards.
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
It's pertaining to her grades, though.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Are her grades okay?
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
Yes, yes, and.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Well, then why am I talking about her grades?
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
But we want to make sure she's putting in the work. Right, to get those grades.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Oh my God. I think you should work in a jail. This is the mentality of parents who really should be working in a jail. Making sure they're doing it to full potential. Making sure she's a human being. And you, sir, have never worked to your full potential. No, nobody has. And if she's getting good grades, you know, I can't do this anymore because I'm hearing a parent for whom it's just not enough.
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
We putting too much pressure. We're putting too much pressure on her.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Well, then don't put pressure.
Caller (Father/Stepfather)
Which we. We really. We don't. She usually comes to us after.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Well, I'm going to let you go. I can't go in a circle again. I'm sorry, I must not have explained things well enough. Leave things to her. She's 15. She needs to feel she's competent on her own. If she needs help, she'll ask for it. When she does, ask specifically what she'd like to have you do. Otherwise, be grateful she studies, does her homework, gets good grades. Now, I don't know if she undermined the whole thing about the car. Some kids don't want the responsibility and what have you of driving. So I'm not talking to the kid. I'm talking to a parent who seems to be a bottomless pit of trying to do everything right. Loosen up my number. 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.
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Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: November 11, 2025
In this episode, Dr. Laura takes a call from a father (technically a stepfather) seeking advice on parenting his 16-year-old stepdaughter. The discussion centers on how parents can best support and respond to emotional volatility in teenage girls, particularly when it comes to academic setbacks and family dynamics. Through a real-life example presented by the caller, Dr. Laura gives direct, practical advice on the healthiest approach to teenage struggles—focusing on emotional independence, appropriate parental boundaries, and reducing unnecessary intervention and pressure.
Notable Quote:
“None of this sounds unusual so far.”
—Dr. Laura [04:00]
Notable Quote:
“You do enough poking the bear and the bear goes crazy... Don’t poke the bear.”
—Dr. Laura [12:34]
Timeline:
Dr. Laura’s Recommended Alternative:
Notable Quote:
“The main point of raising children is to teach them to be independent and not need you.”
—Dr. Laura [11:03]
Notable Quote:
“Anger is what a kitty cat looks like when it’s backed against a wall... Cat is so scared that now it hisses and with the little talons coming out.”
—Dr. Laura [12:11]
Notable Quote:
“You keep putting it back on her. What kind of help do you want?”
—Dr. Laura [13:56]
Notable Quotes:
“I think you should work in a jail... This is the mentality of parents who really should be working in a jail. Making sure they're doing it to full potential.”
—Dr. Laura [15:24]
This episode delivers clear, no-nonsense parenting advice centered around the emotional independence of teens, especially girls dealing with academic or developmental challenges. Dr. Laura’s approach is to pull back, allow space for the young person to resolve their own upset, and avoid the classic parental pitfalls of over-involvement and persistent pressure. For listeners navigating teen parenting, her perspective offers practical tools—and a healthy reality check—on supporting girls through adolescence.