The Difficult Realities of Step-Parenting

Summary

Podcast Summary: "The Difficult Realities of Step-Parenting"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Dr. Laura Call of the Day
• Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger & SiriusXM
• Episode: The Difficult Realities of Step-Parenting
• Release Date: March 25, 2025

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Introduction

In the March 25, 2025 episode of Dr. Laura Call of the Day, Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses the complex challenges associated with step-parenting. Drawing from her extensive experience in offering no-nonsense advice infused with ethics and personal responsibility, Dr. Laura delves into the emotional intricacies that step-parents and their blended families often navigate.

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Listener's Situation: Keith's Call

The episode features a heartfelt call from Keith, a stepfather grappling with his 13-year-old stepson's refusal to return to his household. Keith outlines the longstanding struggle:

Keith (01:22): "So, we have a 13-year-old stepson refusing to come home. We've gone through all the court proceedings, everything else, there's been enforcement actions and everything else."

He elaborates on the family's dynamics, highlighting that his stepson alternates between his biological father's home and his own:

Dr. Laura (01:36): "Home. What are you calling home? Does he have a dad? Does he go back and forth?"

Keith (01:43): "It's 50. 50. It's 50. 50."

Keith explains that the stepson splits his time evenly between his father’s custody and his own home, leading to feelings of instability and favoritism perceived by the child.

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Dr. Laura's Analysis: Understanding the Root Causes

Dr. Laura probes deeper to understand the family background:

Dr. Laura (02:02): "So how long have you been stepping?"

Keith (02:02): "Ten years."

Through his responses, it becomes clear that the divorce stemmed from the biological mother's feeling of being "taken for granted" and overburdened with household responsibilities, leading to familial discord. Keith notes:

Keith (02:15): "She was expected to be basically Cinderella while working a full-time job... Meanwhile, dad expects her to go get and accelerate the career and everything else."

This historical context provides insight into the existing tensions and the stepson's current emotional state.

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Challenges in Step-Parenting Identified

Dr. Laura identifies key issues affecting the stepson:

1. Dual Homes and Lack of Stability:

   • The stepson does not have a singular, stable home environment, oscillating between his father's house and Keith's residence.

2. Perceived Favoritism and Special Treatment:

   • The child perceives that he is treated differently depending on which household he is in, leading to confusion and resentment.

3. Authority and Emotional Connection:

   • While the stepson calls Keith "Dad" and recognizes his efforts, Dr. Laura emphasizes the inherent difference in authority between a biological parent and a step-parent.

Dr. Laura (05:45): "Of course, he treats you differently. You're not his dad. You don't have the authority in his mind that his dad does."

4. Impact of Remarriage and Blended Family Dynamics:
   • The biological father remarried, adding to the complexity without introducing new children, which may further strain the stepson's sense of belonging.

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Advice and Recommendations: Navigating the Complexities

Dr. Laura offers a multi-faceted approach to address Keith's predicament:

1. Acknowledge the Child's Feelings:

   • Recognize and validate the stepson's emotions to foster open communication.

   Dr. Laura (13:00): "He deserves it."

2. Create a Safe and Stable Environment:

   • Strive to provide consistency in rules and expectations across both households to reduce confusion.

3. Empower the Child Through Negotiation:

   • Encourage negotiations that allow the child some control over his environment, thereby reducing feelings of powerlessness.

   Dr. Laura (09:50): "The truth. They can go over and visit."

4. Open Family Dialogue:

   • Facilitate a calm and respectful conversation involving both parents to collaboratively address the child's needs and feelings.

   Dr. Laura (12:58): "So what I'd like you to do is sit down with him and his mom for a chat."

5. Avoid Forcing a 'Perfect Home' Narrative:

   • Stop labeling shared spaces as the sole "home" and instead emphasize them as safe places where the child is cared for and respected.

   Dr. Laura (15:18): "Stop saying that. Everything else, stop saying that."

6. Addressing Long-Term Emotional Health:

   • Recognize that unresolved conflicts can lead to negative outcomes such as substance abuse or delinquency, especially in male adolescents.

   Dr. Laura (14:12): "Now, if you don't give a kid like this power, they find it in other ways. Drugs, crime."

Keith expresses gratitude for Dr. Laura's perspective, acknowledging that it has shifted his understanding of the situation.

Keith (16:23): "You gave me a whole new different perspective. Longtime listener. Years, years, years, decades. Thank you for taking my call."

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Listener's Reaction and Resolution

Keith concludes the call with a renewed sense of direction, planning to engage in meaningful conversations with both his stepson and his wife to implement Dr. Laura's advice. He recognizes the importance of creating a loving and safe environment for his stepson rather than insisting on a singular notion of "home."

Keith (15:56): "A safe place to visit that is loving and caring. A safe place to come and enjoy and explore life and expand life."

Dr. Laura reassures him of the positive outcome if his approach is followed:

Dr. Laura (16:49): "It's going to be okay."

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Conclusion

In this episode, Dr. Laura Schlessinger provides compassionate and practical advice to Keith, a stepfather struggling with his stepson's reluctance to embrace their blended family. By emphasizing the importance of understanding the child's perspective, fostering open communication, and creating a stable environment, Dr. Laura offers a roadmap for step-parents facing similar challenges. Keith's experience underscores the profound impact that empathetic and strategic parenting can have on a child's emotional well-being and family harmony.

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Notable Quotes:

• Keith (01:43): "It's 50. 50. It's 50. 50."
• Dr. Laura (05:45): "You're not his dad. You don't have the authority in his mind that his dad does."
• Dr. Laura (09:50): "The truth. They can go over and visit."
• Dr. Laura (14:12): "If you don't give a kid like this power, they find it in other ways. Drugs, crime."
• Keith (15:56): "A safe place to visit that is loving and caring. A safe place to come and enjoy and explore life and expand life."
• Dr. Laura (16:49): "It's going to be okay."

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This episode serves as an insightful guide for step-parents navigating the sensitive dynamics of blended families, highlighting the necessity of empathy, stability, and open dialogue in fostering healthy relationships with stepchildren.

Transcript

[Dr. Laura]

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[Keith]

Hi Dr. Laura. Thank you for taking my call.

[Dr. Laura]

Thank you. What's happening?

[Keith]

So we so 13 year old stepson refusing to come home. We've gone through all the court proceedings, everything else, there's been enforcement actions and everything else.

[Dr. Laura]

Home. What are you calling home? Does he have a dad? Does he go back and forth?

[Keith]

It's 50. 50. It's 50. 50.

[Dr. Laura]

Well then he does. It doesn't have. Then he doesn't have a home. He has two places to visit.

[Keith]

True.

[Dr. Laura]

So let's use the words which really give truth to his experience. So how long have you been stepping?

[Keith]

Ten years.

[Dr. Laura]

And what happened to mom and dad? What happened to the original family? Why'd they break up?

[Keith]

Mom was taken, but taken for granted, if you know what I mean.

[Dr. Laura]

No, I don't.

[Keith]

Not, not, not appreciated. She was expected to be basically Cinderella while working a full time job. And so she got what does Cinderella do? The dishes, all the laundry, cleans the house and everything else. Meanwhile, meanwhile, you know, dad expects her to go get and you know, accelerate the career and everything else.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. Did he have a career?

[Keith]

Yes, he's a, he's an engineer. And do you work for a local company? Yes, yes I do. I'm an airline pilot.

[Dr. Laura]

Oh, does she have a career?

[Keith]

She, she was an airline pilot as well. But, but listening to you, we have two young kids at home and nine years ago when we had Our other kid, she's a stay at home mom with our nine year old and our five year old.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah. All right. So the son has been going back and forth and now he does not want to come to your house. Is that correct?

[Keith]

That is correct. And it's over.

[Dr. Laura]

Kids, did dad marry and make any more kids?

[Keith]

Dad is remarried and supposedly he's happy and everything else, but he continues to fight for 10 years.

[Dr. Laura]

My question was so. That wasn't my question.

[Keith]

He is remarried. He is remarried.

[Dr. Laura]

Does he have new kids?

[Keith]

No, he married. Into where? They had two teenagers and they've moved out now.

[Dr. Laura]

How long have they been out?

[Keith]

But he doesn't have any new kids, so five years.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. Okay. All right. So my question is that so when he's at his dad's house, he's the only one there and he's special and they didn't make new kids, but when he comes to your house, you made a new kid and he's not as special. I just like to look at the finite things which kids think about. Sometimes we adults don't think about it, but they do. So I was just looking for a difference there. And the difference is he's special over there, and he has his dad, and boys like to have a relationship with their dad. And you are his mom's husband.

[Keith]

Yes, and he calls me Dad. I coach a soccer team and everything else.

[Dr. Laura]

I have a feeling you are terrific at what you do. I'm just looking for the finesse points that impact a kid. Okay, so he doesn't want to come to your house, and what does he express to explain that?

[Keith]

So two things. I am treated differently. So there's four years between each kid. So we have 13, nine and five. I am treated differently. And then we live in Kansas, so I sold my house.

[Dr. Laura]

Of course he treats you differently. You're not his dad. You don't have the authority in his mind that his dad does. It's nice that he calls you dad, but you're not.

[Keith]

He has one, but I treat him the same.

[Dr. Laura]

It doesn't matter. You're not his dad. I have a feeling you are an extremely nice guy and put in a lot of very good effort, but this is a kid's mind.

[Keith]

Mm. And 13 years old going through a lot of changes.

[Dr. Laura]

Yes, but he doesn't treat his dad that way because that's his dad. Dad. So frankly, if he doesn't want to come to your house and he'd rather stay with dad. Dad. Let him stay with dad. Dad, please.

[Keith]

Right.

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[Keith]

What do I tell my kids?

[Dr. Laura]

The truth. They can go over and visit.

[Keith]

So, Dr. Laura, here's the thing. I want to go to Urban Air. I want to go here. I want to go there. I want to see my brothers. But by golly, mom, you better take me here because I want to see my brothers and you better take me.

[Dr. Laura]

I don't know what you're talking about right now. I'm not following it. I'm not following what you're saying.

[Keith]

Okay, so. So what he wants to do is he wants to go to these places that his dad will not take him to in order to go see his brothers. He said, I will not, I will not be any place without you in public. I want to see my brothers. So you need to bring my brothers to me. And so our response is you need to come home and sit down and play video games and hang out with stem here. Stop.

[Dr. Laura]

Stop. I don't think you are at all either one of you thinking about his mind. You're only thinking about your needs and the kid you made. So you're going to have to yank this back. Okay, you guys divorced. Whoever you divorced remarried, in your case, made more kid. He has to go back and forth and not have a home. And you're begrudging him laying down one rule over which he's trying to have some control over his life. He had no control over all of you doing all of this. Unstability, instability in his life. You all contribute to this. I have a rule. Nobody follows it. But I have a rule. No dating, no marrying. When there's a divorce and there are minor children. 70% of marriages with a situation like yours end up in divorce, which damages the kids some more. So kids have no control. He's trying to exert some control. Instead of getting huffy about it, you ought to think about how to accommodate some of it because he deserves it.

[Keith]

So do you give in to his wishes. And it's on his terms.

[Dr. Laura]

Sometimes he has to give in to all your wishes on your terms. He had to do that since all this divorce and marriage again take place in new baby, at least at his dad's house. They didn't make a new kid to focus in on and be all giggly about. You guys did that. Which put him back farther. And for the life of me, I don't get why none of you adults understand that you get angry when the kid wants to have something on his own terms. Gosh darn, nothing in his life is on his terms. You all made sure of that.

[Keith]

I 100% agree with you. And I see your perspective there. I never thought of it that way.

[Dr. Laura]

Thank you. So what I'd like you to do is sit down with him and his mom for a chat. And you can do this in a restaurant over hamburgers and say, okay, I've been thinking about what's happened to you in your life where you don't really have a home. I call it a home. But in reality, you're visiting us in our home. Then you're visiting your dad in his home, and you really don't have a home. And I never really thought about that. So you'd like to have some things the way you want. Well, in life we can't have everything the way we want. But let's talk about some of the things we might work out. He'll be more reasonable when his pain and his feelings and his perspective are acknowledged and respected. And then you're offering negotiation. It's going to calm him down and make him negotiate because now he has some power. Now, if you don't give a kid like this power, they find it in other ways. Drugs, crime. You get my drift?

[Keith]

Yes, I do.

[Dr. Laura]

That's most often true in male persons for obvious reasons, called testosterone.

[Keith]

Well, I guess my wife and I have to have a conversation.

[Dr. Laura]

You have to pull it all together.

[Keith]

And we have a pull it all together. Oh, no. Exactly. Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

I don't want you to be near tears. Okay? You have to pull it together first, then do it.

[Keith]

No, I understand you, Dr. Laura.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. My instinct tells me if you handle it the way I'm suggesting, it's going to be okay.

[Keith]

Okay. Well, like I said, if I have to sit down, come up with a new game plan and. And go from there, and we can. And we can move forward and we'll get them back home, back into a loving Family.

[Dr. Laura]

Stop saying that. Everything else, stop saying that. This is your fantasy that you have in your head. He doesn't see this as his loving home. He lost that long time ago. Stop saying this is his home. Stop it.

[Keith]

Okay. A safe place to visit that's loving and caring.

[Dr. Laura]

Thank you. Especially the word safe. I love it. Beautiful.

[Keith]

Not just home, but a safe place that is loving and caring. A safe place to come and enjoy and explore life and expand life.

[Dr. Laura]

Yes. By job. I think you've got it now.

[Keith]

But I, but I, but I agree with you, Dr. Laura. Definitely not a home. It's a home for my two younger ones because they live here 24, 7. And so. No, and I agree with you. He goes back and forth week on, week off. And so his visitation, it's not homes. It is bouncing and it's not stable.

[Dr. Laura]

Right. I mean, I would hate that. I would hate to be bounced around every week.

[Keith]

Okay. You gave me a whole new different perspective. Longtime listener. Years, Years, years, decades. Thank you for taking my call. You have given me a new perspective, not only for this situation, but just in life in general.

[Dr. Laura]

Oh, that's kind of.

[Keith]

Thank you for taking my call.

[Dr. Laura]

Happy to help you. Call me back anytime.

[Keith]

I will do. Thank you very much.

[Dr. Laura]

You're welcome. Bye. Keith. Nice, nice. 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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