The Problems with Second Marriages

Summary

The Dr. Laura Podcast
Episode: The Problems with Second Marriages
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: June 24, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode tackles the unique and often difficult challenges faced in second marriages, specifically focusing on the conflicts that arise when children from previous marriages play a central role in the new relationship. Using a listener's email as a case study, Dr. Laura unpacks why second marriages have such a high failure rate, the emotional dynamics involved, and what realistic options exist for spouses feeling sidelined by their partner's devotion to adult children.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Central Problem in Second Marriages

• Listener Email: A woman in a second marriage expresses discomfort and concern as her husband, now retired, prioritizes travel and activities with his adult daughter from a previous marriage, often excluding her.
• Dr. Laura’s Perspective (01:23):
  • The overwhelming cause of strife in second marriages is the relationship with adult children from a previous union.
  • Divorce rates for second marriages are around 70%, and many who remain married are often not happy.
  • Typical scenarios:
    1. Stay and continuously complain.
    2. Stay, accept the situation, and suppress dissatisfaction.
    3. Leave the marriage.
       “Fixing it? 001% chance of that happening.” – Dr. Laura (03:12)
• Issue of Guilt:
  • Bio parents often operate from a place of deep guilt, which makes them overcompensate towards adult children.
  • The new spouse’s feelings of neglect or exclusion are usually not a primary concern for the bio parent.

The Role Hierarchy: Spouse vs. Adult Child

• Listener Quote (02:55):

  “I also believe that a spouse should remain the primary companion in making this decision.”

• Dr. Laura’s Response (07:20):
  • In second marriages, the partner with kids from before often maintains their adult child as their true “primary relationship.”
  • The new spouse is rarely, if ever, able to supplant that bond.

Is This Normal?

• Listener’s Question (09:10):
  • “Is it simply normal family closeness that I need to accept?”
• Dr. Laura’s Reply (07:40):
  • “No, normal families don’t do this. It’s not normal. It’s his family. You’re married to him, she’s his family.”
  • You, as the spouse, don’t have the power to set limitations without risking divorce.
  • “Good luck in putting limitations on it. You don’t have the power, dear.” (08:42)
• Options for the Spouse:
  • Accept the status quo and be unhappy.
  • Leave the relationship.
  • There is realistically no influence or change possible: “He can only save one. I hope you can tread water. You made a mistake. You’re in a situation you ought not be in.” (08:12)

Self-Reflection and Hard Truths

• Dr. Laura on Self-Deception (10:22):
  • Women often try to rationalize or minimize their feelings to avoid recognizing uncomfortable truths.
  • “They don’t want to know the truth, so they go, ‘I’m just out of whack. It’s probably just me.’”
  • If you’re questioning the relationship, it’s likely because it violates your needs and expectations.
• Advice on Identifying Priorities:
  • “How can I tell the difference between a loving parent-child bond and the situation where the marriage is no longer the priority? Look in the mirror, sit at the dinner table and look at them.” (10:48)
  • The reality is often visible and painful, but must be acknowledged: “You have to eat it until you die or divorce. And since you really don’t want to do either one of those, you send me a letter…” (10:42)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Attempts at Fixing the Situation:

  “Fixing it? 001% chance of that happening.”
  — Dr. Laura (03:12)

• On New Spouses Wanting to Be Primary:

  “You believe it ought to be [the new marriage], yeah, not going to happen.”
  — Dr. Laura (07:25)

• On Limiting Contact:

  “Good luck in putting limitations on it. You don’t have the power, dear.”
  — Dr. Laura (08:42)

• On the Illusion of a Normal Family:

  “No, normal families don’t do this. It’s not normal. It’s his family. You’re married to him, she’s his family.”
  — Dr. Laura (07:40)

• On Self-Deception:

  “They don’t want to know the truth, so they go, ‘I’m just out of whack. It’s probably just me.’”
  — Dr. Laura (10:22)

• Visual Metaphor:

  • Dr. Laura mentions a pink hat sent to her emblazoned with “DUH” as a symbol of obvious truths that listeners sometimes resist. (08:20)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:23 — Dr. Laura identifies the most common problems in second marriages.
• 02:55 — Listener’s assertion about spousal priority.
• 03:12 — Dr. Laura on the futility of fixing entrenched family dynamics.
• 07:12–09:10 — Dr. Laura’s in-depth response to the listener’s situation.
• 10:22–10:48 — Discussion on self-deception and recognizing reality.
• 11:51 — Closing advice and self-help tip: balancing negative and positive thoughts before sleep.

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Tone and Takeaways

Dr. Laura’s approach is direct, pragmatic, and occasionally blunt. She avoids idealism, emphasizing that in most second marriages involving strong parent-child bonds, the new spouse is unlikely to ever become the primary companion. Her advice is realistic, sometimes tough, but rooted in empathy for those struggling in such complicated relational dynamics. The central message: know what you’re getting into, accept what can’t be changed, and don’t delude yourself about your place in the family hierarchy if the evidence says otherwise.

Transcript

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I believe that a spouse should remain comes to an adult. Okay, I agree. I haven't finished reading the letter. I totally agree. It's just that in second marriages that means the first or the second and third and fourth. Whatever that came before the current marriage likely had children. That is the source of the problems because the bio parent of the divorce has guilt and a need to make it up. Guilt over the new spouse being unhappy doesn't even exist. He doesn't feel guilty that you're unhappy about it. He's probably annoyed. He didn't expect marrying you meant he had to deal with other than what he wants to do with his daughter and what his daughter wants to do with him. That is his primary relationship. You are not that you believe it ought to be. Yeah, not going to happen. Okay, I'm finding myself questioning is this normal and how much is too much when it comes to an adult child and a married parent? Is there a point where I should put limitations on their travel? You're going to be divorced if you do that. You're probably going to be divorced if you don't do that because you'll leave. But if you do that, he'll divorce you because as I've Said many times, she's drowning, you're drowning. He can only save one. I hope you can tread water. You made a mistake. You're in a situation you ought not be in. The primary relationship is between this man and. And his daughter, not you. And he's not going to give her up. Not when he's planning trips to Europe and you have no say. Not when he plans trips to games and parks out of state and you have no say. That gets. I have this pink hat that one of you sent me that has sort of a baseball cap kind of thing, and it says D U H in huge, sparkly letters. Duh. Do you really need a duh? Good luck in putting limitations on it. You don't have the power, dear. Or is it simply normal family closeness that I need to accept? No, normal families don't do this. It's not normal. It's his family. You're married to him, she's his family. You're married to him, she's his family. So here you are, trying to parse. Is this normal? Am I being reasonable? And what did I say in the last hour about how women handle these things? They don't want to know the truth, so they go, I'm just out of whack. It's probably just me. Because if it isn't you and you're in this situation, you and it is unacceptable. You have to eat it until you die or divorce. And since you really don't want to do either one of those, you send me a letter going, well, is it okay? Should it be that way? Can't I have control over this? You've already complained to him and he's demonstrated you have no control over this. How can I tell the difference between a loving parent child bond and the situation where the marriage is no longer the priority? Look in the mirror, sit at the dinner table and look at them. She's an adult. I know. If she's not at the dinner table, but you get what I mean. You can see what is as opposed to what you believe in or would prefer. Nobody but me cares about what you Prefer. My number, 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform, SiriusXM.

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