The Responsibility of Teaching Kids the Things They Need To Know

Summary

The Dr. Laura Podcast

Episode: The Responsibility of Teaching Kids the Things They Need To Know

Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: December 30, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode centers on a foundational principle of parenting: preparing children to be self-sufficient, capable adults. Dr. Laura explores the challenges and responsibilities in teaching kids the skills they need—not just for basic survival, but for flourishing independently and forming healthy adult relationships with parents based on respect and love rather than need.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Personal Anecdotes – Letting Go as a Parent

• Dr. Laura opens with lighthearted commentary about her morning eye examination, using it as a metaphor for facing changes and letting natural processes unfold (03:31).
• She shares a related story about a doctor wanting her to stop all physical activity for a minor tendon issue, tying it back to the theme of not overreacting or over-controlling but instead seeking balanced solutions (02:41).
• Quote:
  "You want me to stop doing all the physical things that I do? Well, yeah. Then it won't hurt. ... It's like the joke: 'It hurts my hand.' Well, stop doing that."
  — Dr. Laura (02:50)

2. The Role of Parents: Raising Children to Leave

• Dr. Laura references Anna Freud, stating, "her definition of a mother is someone to be left." Mothers (and parents in general), she argues, should be focusing on raising children to leave and not need them (03:31).
• She shares concern for parents who struggle with the idea of their adult children "leaving the nest," highlighting a recent caller who could not accept this reality (04:44).
• Quote:
  "You're supposed to raise them to leave you, not need you... If they need you forever, you have failed as a parent."
  — Dr. Laura (07:22, 13:10)

3. Review of GoodMenProject.com Article: “To Become Unnecessary – A Parent's Ultimate Mission”

• Dr. Laura discusses Antonio Parente Jr.’s article, emphasizing the need to teach children not to need parents for day-to-day living.
• She reads and reacts to parts of the article, noting that while the article is written by a father, the message applies to all parents:
  "You need your kids not to need you. Now, I wouldn't have put 'need' in the first word because a lot of people need that. I need to be needed."
  — Dr. Laura (07:22)
• The article addresses parental fears around granting kids more autonomy and the difficulty in determining the right timing and amount of freedom (07:45).
• She reinforces the article’s guiding principle:
  "If you and your child come to a place of feeling reasonably comfortable, it’s probably time to unlock the next achievement."
  — Dr. Laura (paraphrasing article, 08:20)
• Dr. Laura warns against “herd parenting”—doing what other parents do without considering what is right for your child and your family (09:00).

4. Love vs. Need in Parent-Child Relationships

• Dr. Laura draws an analogy to friendships:
  "Do you need them the way a child needs a caregiver? No. Need them because of the mutual love you share. It's the same for our adult children. We want them to need us, but not for money, not for daily support, but for the kind of parental love only we can give."
  — Dr. Laura (09:30)
• She clarifies that healthy adult-parent relationships are characterized by mutual respect and love, not dependence (09:45).

5. Practical Example: Teaching Independence

• Dr. Laura recounts her own experience with her son wanting to bike to school. Initially anxious, she and her husband allowed him freedom while discreetly supervising to ensure safety and gradual learning (10:30).
• She describes a small mishap (her son bumping a parked car), illustrating how real-world mistakes are essential for growth and learning, provided safety is not compromised (11:30).
• Quote:
  "You teach them how to handle situations and then give them the opportunity to fail, succeed and do it."
  — Dr. Laura (12:30)

6. The Parent’s Responsibility: Teaching for Independence

• Emphasizes that the ultimate failure is to have a child who continuously relies on their parents into adulthood for basic needs or problem-solving (12:30).
• Contact for advice should be for perspective, not for rescue (13:00).
• Ends with a direct challenge:
  "You don't let go, you're a bad parent. That's it. I'm just going to say it."
  — Dr. Laura (13:10)

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• "You're supposed to raise them to leave you, not need you."
  (Dr. Laura, 03:31)

• "Nothing sadder than a 40 year old who only calls his mother to ask for money."
  (quoting/paraphrasing Antonio Parente Jr., 07:55)

• "We want them to need us, but not for money, not for daily support, but for the kind of parental love only we can give."
  (Dr. Laura, 09:45)

• "You have failed as a parent if for the rest of their lives they need you."
  (Dr. Laura, 12:40)

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Timestamps of Important Segments

• 03:31: Dr. Laura introduces Anna Freud’s philosophy on motherhood.
• 07:22: Key discussion of GoodMenProject.com article on being “unnecessary” as a parent.
• 09:30: Analogy between friendships and the parent-child dynamic in adulthood.
• 10:30: Personal story about teaching her son to bike to school.
• 12:30: Main takeaway on responsibility—teaching independence.
• 13:10: Direct challenge about parental responsibility and the consequences of not letting go.

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Tone & Delivery

Dr. Laura’s delivery is candid, empathetic, and peppered with humor. She is unapologetically direct—sometimes blunt—in articulating the tough truths parents may not want to hear but need to consider. The tone is motherly but firm, motivational, and solution-oriented.

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Takeaway Message

Parents have the ultimate responsibility to teach their children the skills and values needed for independence. Success means your kids love you and consult you for wisdom but don't rely on you for daily living or rescue. Letting go is a vital, necessary part of parenting—and failing to do so is a fundamental error.

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Transcript

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thank you for listening to my morning monologue brought to you by Golden Crest Metals, a new sponsor I want to welcome to my program find out how gold and silver can protect what you have worked so hard to build. Learn [e-mail] Protect Remember, you can hear my radio program daily on Sirius XM triumph and connect with me 24 [e-mail] so this morning was my I don't think I've been doing this every year. Naughty me. The eye examination. You know, are my eyeballs in there? Are they going to fall out? Are they falling apart and that sort of stuff. I've been lasered twice in my life. Left side distance, right side reading. It's been fabulous. Amazing. Everybody's wearing glasses. Except about five years ago, suddenly the signs were getting a little mushy and I'd squint before I got to a corner. Yeah, don't like that. So went in and eyeballs are basically okay dry. You know, as you get older, your eyeballs dry out. There you go. So he put me on different drops for that and two kinds of drops and told me to take this lutein that's good for your eyeballs. It's like a vitamin. So that's that. But in all the tests they do, they do this stuff which dilates your eyeballs. So now I literally can't focus on anything. So I'm so glad this is radio. Anyway, cataracts, he said there's a little hint of it, but just ignore it until you can't. When you get to the point where you can't, then you do something about it. So I really liked an ophthalmologist who was also a surgeon who didn't want to immediately go, wait a minute, let me get my scalpel.

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I'll be right back. Yeah, that reminds me, one time I had this pain in my shoulder. It was bicep tendon was a little annoyed. So I sit you heated. You don't start throwing hard balls, you know No, I went to the doctor and he went, what do you do? And I said, well, you know, I play some tennis, do the. He goes, well, stop all of that. And I looked at him and I went, you want me to stop doing all the physical things that I do? Well, yeah. Then it won't hurt. It was like that joke. It hurts my hand. Well, stop doing that. It's like the joke, stop your life as opposed to rest and rehab. Okay? So I really like that this guy, you know, didn't run to get his laser set up. All right, get. Get on the table. No, he didn't do any of that. Okay. Over the years that I have been on the air, like half a century, I have said a number of times, anna Freud, Freud's daughter, her definition of a mother is someone to be left. A lot of you mothers of adult children don't seem to get that you're supposed to raise them to leave you, not need you, like to talk to you, like to come over for dinner like somebody they respect. If they do respect you, they can ask questions about life and your opinion. But you are to be left day before yesterday. Or was it yesterday? I had a mother on. I had to just leave the call. Just absolutely categorically, no. Nobody leaves me.

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So when this article good menproject. Com It's a great site for you guys. Goodmenproject.com the title of this caught my eyeballs, which are having trouble right now to become unnecessary. A Parent's ultimate mission. You need your kids not to need you. Now, I wouldn't have put need in the first word because a lot of people need that. I need to be needed. So if I do this right, I might have the joy of seeing my daughter become fully independent in her twenties, needing me only for the occasional advice of an old man. This is a dad writing this. Antonio Parente Jr. They still do that? Jr. Okay, but let's be honest. There's nothing sadder than a 40 year old who only calls his mother to ask for money. Okay, starting next Monday, should I let my daughter take the bus to school or should I drive her before I let her go alone, I have to teach her how to do it. Once she knows the ins and outs, she won't need me. Great, right? Yeah, but what if something bad happens? What if somebody tries to kidnap her? What if she gets hit by a car? Wouldn't I have failed as a father? Isn't it my job to protect her? It's tough, I know, he writes. And as if that weren't Enough. There's no one size fits all answer. How much autonomy you feel comfortable giving your child depends on many where you live, what you consider an acceptable risk, and so on. So his guiding principle is, if you and your child come to a place of feeling reasonably comfortable, it's probably time to unlock the next achievement. But don't do what other parents are doing it. Everybody else's mom is letting them do this. Everybody else's dad is okay, yeah, you don't join a herd unless you're in politics. Other than that, you do not join a herd. And for a lot of you mothers, becoming unnecessary doesn't mean the end of love. Think about your friends. Do you need them the way a child needs a caregiver? No. Need them because of the mutual love you share. It's the same for our adult children. If anything, we want them to need us, but not for money, not for daily support, but for the kind of parental love only we can give. And just as much, we want to need them for the filial love only they can offer us. Nothing more, nothing less. So you teach them how to handle situations and then give them the opportunity to fail, succeed and do it. They need you forever. You have failed as a parent, you have failed as a parent if for the rest of their lives they need you. I remember we lived in a neighborhood at one time in the San Fernando Valley, and the school was just a handful of blocks away. Nonetheless, this is all in a relatively gated community. Nonetheless, people didn't walk their kids to school. By and large, they drove their kids to school. I always thought that was a scream. You can walk this. Well, my son decided he wanted to ride his bike because there were other kids riding their bikes to school. And with all the cars going, I had a bit of an internal fit about this. So this is how this worked. He got on his bike and his dad waited. When he was far enough away that he wouldn't turn around and see followed him. This went on for a while to see if he was riding his bike properly. You could see if he was looking left and right when he got to any particular corner. We observed what we hoped was a child who had learned. And it worked out, except for one time early on. Car is parked by this sidewalk and he's looking down at his front wheel. And I kept teaching him, you look up, you do not look at your wheel. You look up because things that could get in your way are up there, not down here. Okay, look up. And he didn't. But he wasn't riding fast. He was a little kid on one of those little bikes, and he wasn't riding fast. And so he ran into the bumper of the car. Nobody got hurt. He didn't even fall off the bike. And for that one, I was there and I just waited to see if there was any problem. But rubber on a little kid's bike did no damage to him or the car. And he stood there for a while and then walked his bike around the car. And from now on, I could see he was looking up. So this is what you have to do so they don't need you when they call you now and then with a philosophical problem, a relationship problem, a money problem, and they ask for your input, that's great. If they're asking for money, that's not great. Should have taught him how to deal with that already. So you have the responsibility of teaching your kids the things they need to know, to be independent and then let them be. That's your job as a parent. You don't let go. You're a bad parent. That's it. I'm just going to say it. My number 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course. I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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Yeah, I do.

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