Was My Wife the Right Match?

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Was My Wife the Right Match?"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Dr. Laura Call of the Day
• Host/Author: Dr. Laura Schlessinger & SiriusXM
• Episode: Was My Wife the Right Match?
• Release Date: January 30, 2025

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Introduction

In the episode titled "Was My Wife the Right Match?" Dr. Laura Schlessinger engages with a caller grappling with questions about his long-term marriage and personal purpose. The conversation delves deep into themes of self-improvement, relational dynamics, accountability, and finding one's purpose beyond personal achievements.

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Caller’s Background and Concerns

At [00:46], the caller introduces himself as a 41-year-old entrepreneur from the Central Coast of California. He shares his journey of starting a business at 22, which has now become largely automated, allowing him to focus on personal pursuits like surfing. Despite his professional success and having an 18-year-old son in college, he expresses a sense of purposelessness and dissatisfaction within his 18-year-long marriage. He highlights stress within the marriage, primarily due to differences in drive and ambition between him and his wife.

Notable Quote:

"I'm kind of just really questioning my purpose at this point. I feel very accomplished with the business... I'm married for 18 years. There's a bit of stress there, but I'm trying to just kind of focus on myself."
— Caller, [00:46]

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Dr. Laura’s Initial Response

Dr. Laura challenges the caller's approach of seeking purpose through self-focus. At [02:06], she remarks:

Notable Quote:

"We do not find purpose but by taking care of ourselves. But that's backwards. Purpose is how our lives impact somebody else in a positive way. So working on yourself is counterproductive for finding purpose."
— Dr. Laura, [02:06]

She emphasizes that true purpose is intertwined with how one positively affects others, suggesting that self-focus may lead to isolation rather than meaningful engagement.

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Caller’s Realization and Shift in Perspective

The caller acknowledges Dr. Laura’s perspective, recognizing that his focus on self may be isolating him. At [02:29], he reflects:

Notable Quote:

"Okay, that makes sense because you're sort of alienating yourself. But yeah, I can see that it's more of a selfish thing."
— Caller, [02:29]

He admits that his initial intention to focus on himself was perhaps a way to avoid addressing deeper issues in his marriage, specifically his frustration with his wife's lack of ambition compared to his own.

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Discussion on Relationship Dynamics

Dr. Laura probes further into the caller’s relationship frustrations. At [04:33], she inquires about the specific issues causing his worry:

Notable Quote:

"What is the worry? What is the worry with her? Is it her or him?"
— Dr. Laura, [04:33]

The caller elaborates on their early marriage and his perception that his wife lacks the drive he possesses. He contemplates whether their differing ambitions have hindered their collective accomplishments and even considers leaving the relationship.

At [05:53], Dr. Laura challenges his viewpoint:

Notable Quote:

"Generally speaking, having a woman who loves you is what keeps you doing the best at your work... Blaming it on that she's not you is counterproductive."
— Dr. Laura, [05:53]

She asserts that his wife's support and love are fundamental to his success, and attributing his frustrations solely to her lack of ambition is both irrational and disrespectful.

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Forgiveness and Accountability

The caller acknowledges his own role in the relational strain. By [06:44], he confesses:

Notable Quote:

"I've actually kind of come to find that... I've actually forgiven myself and hurt just for the resentment and everything."
— Caller, [06:44]

Dr. Laura points out the shift needed in his mindset, emphasizing that forgiveness is a two-way street and that he must also forgive his wife.

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The Assignment: Listing Positives

To facilitate a change in perspective, Dr. Laura assigns the caller a task at [08:05]:

Notable Quote:

"I'm going to put you on hold and you're going to write a list of 10 things that she is or does that have made your life lovely."
— Dr. Laura, [08:05]

After a brief interlude of ads, the caller returns having completed the task, displaying a newfound appreciation for his wife.

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Caller’s List of Appreciation

At [12:01], the caller shares his heartfelt list:

1. Prioritizing Their Son: "She has always focused on our son beautifully... her love for him and the care she's had for him is the first one."
2. Acceptance: "She accepts me as I am."
3. Handling Adversity: "Her father passed away when she was 23 or 26... she took control and helped deal with all of that."
4. Thoughtful Touches: "She puts nice touches on things that I wouldn't have thought of."
5. Humor and Beauty: "She's funny, she's gorgeous."
6. Healthy Lifestyle: "She buys really healthy food... focuses on our family's health."
7. Health Protection: "None of us got Covid somehow, because of her."
8. Support for Extended Family: "She loves my parents and supports my adventure."
9. Appreciation for Slowing Down: "She helps me kind of slow down and notice things that I wouldn't have noticed. Smell the roses."
10. Overall Positivity: "That's my list."

This exercise leads him to a deeper appreciation and desire to reconnect emotionally with his wife.

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Conclusion: Embracing Purpose through Relationships

Dr. Laura underscores the importance of viewing one's partner as a source of purpose. At [14:15], she shares:

Notable Quote:

"The research indicates that one of the criteria that makes a man successful is when his woman is his purpose. That's why guys do poorly without one."
— Dr. Laura, [14:15]

The caller, now recognizing the value of his wife's role in his life, expresses gratitude and resolves to communicate his appreciation directly to her.

Final Exchange:

"Don't text. Go home. Tell her in person."
— Dr. Laura, [14:44]

The episode concludes with the caller feeling uplifted and motivated to nurture his relationship, highlighting the transformative power of gratitude and acknowledgment in personal relationships.

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Key Takeaways

1. Purpose Through Others: True purpose is often found in how we positively impact and support those around us, particularly our loved ones.
2. Accountability in Relationships: Blaming partners for personal frustrations overlooks the mutual responsibility in maintaining a healthy relationship.
3. Power of Gratitude: Listing positive attributes and contributions of a partner can shift perspectives and restore appreciation.
4. Forgiveness and Growth: Letting go of resentment and embracing forgiveness fosters personal and relational growth.

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Closing Notes: This episode serves as a poignant reminder of the significance of fostering gratitude and understanding within relationships. By shifting focus from self to others, individuals can rediscover purpose and strengthen their bonds with loved ones.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Required card has no cash access and expires in six months. Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Brian, welcome to the program.

[C]

Hi there.

[B]

Hi there.

[C]

Yeah, so I. Hi. I live in, on the Central coast in California. I'm. I'm actually 41 years old. I started a business when I was 22. I still have that business. It's been an absolute roller coaster. But after this many years of having the same business, I've gotten most of the kinks worked out and I have almost everything that I do within the business, you know, someone else doing it. So I can tell someone a short synopsis of what I'm doing and make it sound very easy. But most people know that it's not. But I'm here on 41. I'm kind of just really questioning my purpose at this point. I feel very accomplished with the business. I have an 18 year old son who's started college. I was able to save for him to go and do that. Not a lot of stress regarding him. I'm married for 18 years. There's a bit of stress there, but I'm trying to just kind of focus on myself. But I have kind of automated my business. I have hobbies. I like to surf.

[B]

Sir, I need to say something before I forget it in your story. Okay. We do not find purpose but by taking care of ourselves. But that's backwards. Purpose is how our lives impact somebody else in a positive way. So working on yourself is counterproductive for finding purpose.

[C]

Okay, that makes sense because you're sort of alienating yourself. But yeah, I can see that it's more of a selfish thing. So yeah, I mean that's. I don't want to continue working in or on the business that I already have other than to kind of maintain and keep.

[B]

What do you think would be your next adventure, sir? What is Your next business adventure.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

What are you coming up with?

[C]

Yeah, you know, and I'm not sure if it should be business, but I learned a lot from what you just said that, you know, that that meant a lot, actually.

[B]

Good.

[C]

Working on myself is not actually finding purpose. I guess my question is, after learning that, what. How can I start to try to find a purpose? I love to help other people. Very outgoing and extroverted. I'm a nice.

[B]

How? Well, I don't know what you do, but is what you do something you create, could bring to other people so they could do it also?

[C]

Yeah, I mean, I guess I'm in construction, so it's very transactional. It's not, you know, it's just, what do you want? Here's the price, and I do it well, and whatever. And that sounds great.

[B]

Well, I don't know what your next adventure would be, sir. I have no idea. You have to let your mind wander.

[C]

Right. Well, I appreciate learning what I did from you. I. You know, I would have asked you many questions about my relationship, but I've actually began to. I guess I have been focusing on myself as opposed to staying focused and upset and frustrated with my partner, who is completely opposite of me. So that was the reason why I started focusing on myself, was to stop worrying and being upset with that.

[B]

What is the worry? What is the worry with her? Is it a her or him?

[C]

Her. We got married very young. She was 18. I was 22. We immediately. I immediately started working extremely hard. I knew I had to take care of them and me. And she went to school. She was raising my son, but basically, you know, we did together, but I was working and she was there, but I. She never really picked up and took off with working and having a career and things like that. It was kind of got the school done and ever since has been kind of not kind of moving forward, so. And now there's a bunch of health concerns and things like that. But I. The focus and the drive from her is not there. And I always have been frustrated, thinking if I was with someone else more like me, how much more I could have accomplished or we could have accomplished by now. I had considered kind of leaving the relationship for the last couple years, and that got.

[B]

Sir. Sir.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

If you got a woman who was like you, she'd tear you apart.

[C]

Yes, I've had that thought.

[B]

That's so silly what you said. Generally speaking, having a woman who loves you is what keeps you doing the best at your work. You started this at 22, a handful of years after you were a teenager. And you built it into something very good. Starting out extremely young. Now you're frustrated in your 40s because you want to be more. That's typical of men. But blaming it on that she's not you is. That's counterproductive. Also she's not responsible for that. And you're disrespecting her because she isn't more like you. Holding her accountable for your level of success is not rational.

[C]

And I, and I. I totally agree. And I've actually kind of come to find that. And that's, that's why I didn't call on that issue because I. I have started to accept or I'm accepting that I've actually forgiven myself and hurt just for the resentment and everything. So we're actually doing okay right now.

[B]

And that's why has to forgive you. You have everything backwards today. She has to forgive you. Your arrogance is just growing as we do this phone call. I'm forgiving myself and I'm forgiving her for not making me more of a man that I can think I'm even more spectacular than I think I am because I do something other people do, but not like I do the arrogance. And what's sad about that is when you're this arrogant, you miss out the gentle, tender things.

[C]

Right?

[B]

Which would make your life more around that.

[C]

So what. What is. Other than the advice I've already gotten and I appreciate. What. What Knowing that I. That I can be arrogant. And what was your advice for me? At this point.

[B]

I'm going to put you on hold and you're going to write a list of 10 things that she is or does that have made your life lovely.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

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[B]

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[A]

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[C]

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[B]

Brian, thank you for staying with us and doing your little assignment. What did it feel like to you to do this assignment?

[C]

It felt the end result was I felt really good and I was thinking of her and kind of, you know, almost wanted to call her or text her. So that was the end result. But starting to do it, it was, you know, I had to think a little bit and then it started kind of flowing. So I think I have a good list.

[B]

Lovely. That's lovely. All right, give me the 10. They're in no order of importance. I know.

[C]

Yeah. So she has always focused on our son beautifully is definitely her top priority. And so her love for him and the care she's had for him is the first one. She accepts me as I am. She. Her father passed away when she was 23 or 26, and that was obviously hard, but she kind of took control and helped deal with all of that, his stuff and the estate and everything. She puts nice touches on things that I wouldn't have thought of. And I kind of turn around and go, whoa. That was. I never would have thought of that. Looks amazing. She's funny, she's gorgeous. She buys really healthy food, which is expensive, but she's kind of also got us focused on her family's health, so that has worked out for us. None of us got Covid somehow, and that's definitely because of her. She loves my parents and supports my adventure. And the last thing is she helps me kind of slow down and notice things that I wouldn't have noticed. Smell the roses. So that's. That's my list.

[B]

And how do you feel now reading it?

[C]

Good. I mean, I read it and, like I said, kind of wanted to, you know, call her a text or just to say hi or whatever. But it feels good writing it down and just thinking of her, you know, for this long, you know, it felt good, you know?

[B]

You know, the research indicates that one of the criteria that makes a man successful is when his woman is his purpose. That's why guys do poorly without one.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

You're a lucky man, sir. And I'm glad you called. And recognize it now.

[C]

Me too. Thank you.

[B]

You're welcome. Don't text. Go home. Tell her in person.

[C]

Okay? Okay. Okay. Will do. Appreciate you.

[B]

Thank you very much. My number, 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

[A]

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