What's a Man Gotta Do for a Little Lovin'?

Summary

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Podcast Summary: “What’s a Man Gotta Do for a Little Lovin’?”

The Dr. Laura Podcast – February 28, 2026
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Main Caller: Alan

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Dr. Laura Schlessinger takes a call from “Alan,” a 65-year-old man seeking advice about his relationship. Alan shares his frustrations about not receiving enough affection and appreciation from his girlfriend after one year of dating, despite his clear desire for deep emotional connection in this “third act” of his life. Dr. Laura cuts straight to the core of the issue, challenging Alan to accept that affection cannot be demanded or coached out of a partner, and urges him not to settle for less than what he truly wants.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Background of the Caller and Relationship Context

• Alan’s Relationship History
  • Two prior marriages (“over two on marriages”), both ended due to deep emotional disconnect.
  • He has two adult children, both doing well: daughter in vet school, son a successful online influencer.
  • Ex-wife was emotionally distant, unable to form the deep bond Alan craved.
• Current Girlfriend
  • 55-year-old elementary school teacher, single for 13 years, with a 24-year-old son (ex-Marine, aiming to become an attorney).
  • Relationship has been good, but Alan now senses a turning point after a year.

2. Alan’s Core Question

• Alan wants to know if he is “asking for too much” by wanting more physical affection, verbal appreciation, and occasional sex.
• He expresses a desire for a genuine “deep emotional connection,” which he felt missing in his marriages and fears is now lacking with his girlfriend.

3. Reflection on Past Marriages

• Alan candidly examines why his past marriages failed—the first due to social pressure and cohabiting (“shacking up”), the second due to financial instability and seeking security but ending up feeling like a “roommate.”
• He tried therapy with his ex-wife, discovering she was “incapable” of emotional depth ([10:28]).

4. Dr. Laura’s Direct Advice

• Dr. Laura is unequivocal: You can’t change someone’s level of affection.
  • “If the woman is not affectionate, verbally or physically, there’s no conversation to have. That changes that.” ([12:51–13:28])
• She challenges Alan’s urge to rationalize:
  • “There’s never a ‘yes, but.’ … You cannot teach somebody or demand somebody to be physically and verbally and emotionally affectionate. They are. They ain’t. That’s it. Period.” ([13:32])
• Dr. Laura refuses to let Alan diminish his need for affection:
  • “If you’re going to try to make yourself into an inert person, that’s just ridiculous. … I wouldn’t want to be with anybody who wasn’t physically and emotionally and verbally affectionate either. The hell. That’s kind of the normal foundation in a relationship…” ([14:10])
• Her ultimate counsel: Don’t waste another year. Seek the connection you deserve, especially at this point in life.

5. Core Takeaway

• Affection and connection can’t be negotiated or forced. If a partner can’t or won’t provide this, it’s better to accept reality and move on rather than rationalize or diminish your own needs.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Alan: “Since the beginning… I made it clear that what I was looking for in the most broadest terms was a deep emotional connection with somebody to spend the rest of my life with.” ([04:03])
• Dr. Laura: “If the woman is not affectionate, verbally or physically, there’s no conversation to have. That changes that.” ([12:51])
• Dr. Laura: “There’s never a yes, but… You cannot teach somebody or demand somebody to be physically and verbally and emotionally affectionate. They are. They ain’t. That’s it. Period.” ([13:32])
• Dr. Laura: “If you’re going to say, I want to make myself into an inert person, that’s just ridiculous. I wouldn’t want to be with anybody who wasn’t physically and emotionally and verbally affectionate either. … At 65, you better have clarity on what you want and not waste a year again.” ([14:10])
• Alan (closing): “Yeah, exactly. Thanks for that. I think I got what I need.” ([14:53])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:34–03:58]: Alan’s relationship history, background on girlfriend, and their families.
• [04:03–06:46]: Alan explains his search for deep connection and reviews what went wrong in his marriages.
• [10:15–11:05]: Alan’s attempt to rekindle marriage after retirement fails; emotional bond “couldn’t form.”
• [12:16–12:28]: Alan’s core concern: “When I ask for physical affection, verbal appreciation… she says I’m asking for too much.”
• [12:51–13:32]: Dr. Laura’s foundational advice: “If the woman is not affectionate, there’s nothing to change.”
• [14:10]: Dr. Laura clarifies—do not suppress your needs for convenience or to avoid loneliness.
• [14:53]: Alan accepts advice; call concludes.

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Episode Tone

• Warm but brisk: Dr. Laura empathizes with Alan but offers direct, uncompromising advice.
• Honest and pragmatic: No sugar-coating; the message is clear—be true to your emotional needs.

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Summary for Listeners

This episode is essential for anyone struggling with unmet emotional needs in a relationship. Dr. Laura reaffirms that genuine affection and deep connection aren't things you can teach or coax out of a partner—either they give them willingly, or you move on. The call serves as a powerful reminder to know your needs, reject rationalizations, and, above all, don’t settle for emotional crumbs—especially in life’s “third act.”

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thanks for listening to my call of the day sponsored by Vibriant Super C Serum, my personal solution for smoother, more hydrated skin. Super C Serum is a full line of skin care products all in one bottle. Get 37% off plus free shipping by going to vibrance.com DrLora Remember, you can hear my radio program daily on Sirius XM Triumph and connect with me 24 [e-mail]. Alan welcome to the program.

[Caller Alan]

Hello, Dr. Laura.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Hello, Ellen.

[Caller Alan]

My, my question is. Let's see, my question is, am I asking for too much and then how much?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Probably. Probably that screws up most people. Okay, go ahead, tell me the situation.

[Caller Alan]

I'm 65. Dating a woman for a year is 55.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And what's your marital, your marital history, her marital history, children, etc.

[Caller Alan]

Yeah, my marital history is bad. I'm over two on marriages. I've got two adult children. They're up and out of the house. 22. She's over one. She's got one adult child. Son, 24. He's still around. Doesn't really live in her house, but visits frequently. Let's say.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Are your two kids functional?

[Caller Alan]

Absolutely.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

They have jobs, marriages, families, etc.

[Caller Alan]

They don't have families yet. They've got jobs. My daughter's in veterinarian school and my son has carved a niche as a esports online influencer. He's made his own little fiefdom and he's doing great.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And how about your girlfriend?

[Caller Alan]

She's. She's doing well. She's got great family connections. She's working she's a element 5th grade elementary school teacher.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Are you talking about your girlfriend or are you talking about her kid?

[Caller Alan]

My girl. Oh, my girlfriend. Oh, you want to know? Yeah, okay. Her kid, 24 year old son, just got out of six and a half years in the Marines and is going back to school using the GI Bill to finish off school.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And what has it come up that you know what his future plans are?

[Caller Alan]

He's studying history in school and he's inclined to become an attorney.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Ah, okay, good. Was he in combat?

[Caller Alan]

No, I don't think he ever saw combat. He was deployed to various places but didn't see combat.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Got. So how can I help you today?

[Caller Alan]

Since the beginning, since meeting her, I made it clear that what I was looking for in the most broadest terms was a deep emotional connection with somebody to spend the rest of my life with. I was missing that in both of my marriages.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

What kind of connection did you have in your prior marriages? I mean, I would assume you felt a deep emotional attraction each time you fell in love and proposed.

[Caller Alan]

Yeah, I propose for bad reasons in both cases.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

What's a bad reason?

[Caller Alan]

Feeling like I should because I had dated so long not to disappoint other people. That was, that was the first one mostly.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

But were you dating so long because you really liked her? I mean, why date so long?

[Caller Alan]

Because she moved in. I made the mistake of shacking up with her.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You shacked up? Okay, second one.

[Caller Alan]

Yeah, second one. There are, there's kind of a swirl of reasons. The simplest is that I'm self. Was. Am self employed, had my own business, was very unstable at the time. I had just gone broke. Not bankrupt, everybody got paid, but so the outside it looked pretty good, but inside I was left with clothes and two very used cars. And she was willing to take that on. She saw the ambition and she was willing to take it on. And she had a good income. She, she felt like she could fill in the gaps if, if things got rough and she could. And it was shortly after that, shortly after we got married, I found out that really what she wanted was a roommate or she was treating me like a roommate, but I was in it and we were looking for kids and I decided to stick it out. And we ended up having the two kids who were doing quite well. And at that point I decided I'm going to stick this out until the kids are up and on their own. I'm not gonna. I didn't want to risk screwing up my kids for my own wishes, let's say. And I could. It turns out I could keep myself busy enough and occupied running this engineering company that I ended up running for 33 years.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So you guys had no sex

[Caller Alan]

towards the end? There was no sex until the end.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

There was a lot of good sex middle on.

[Caller Alan]

Okay, yeah, middle on. Maybe 2/3. From 1/3 of the way on, there was no sex. It stopped pretty soon. Yeah.

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[Caller Alan]

In that marriage, you could probably say three or four years in, we were on solid ground.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Good. Okay. Then what happened? Who asked for the divorce and why?

[Caller Alan]

My kids hit 21. Actually, they. At the time, they were 20. I got a good offer to sell my business, and I did. And I basically, you might call it, retired. I'm not really retired. I'm semi retired. I still work, but sold the engineering business, hung around for a couple of years for a management transition, and then left there. And I was at home. And I had this in. I had in mind for a long time coming that when I retire, I was going to see if I could rekindle, reignite, re. Whatever with my wife and make an emotional connection for the. What I call the third act. My third act after retiring.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Right.

[Caller Alan]

And it turns out I could. It turns out I couldn't. And if to be a little, maybe hard about it, it turns out she's incapable of it. I don't.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

What does that mean?

[Caller Alan]

After two and a half years of therapy, everybody agreed that she couldn't form an emotional bond in the way that I was looking for, emotional connection in the way that I was looking for. Everything was on the surface with her. If you tried to dig down a little bit, she became defensive, evasive, wouldn't want to talk about what's really going on inside her. The things she would talk about would be like current events, her recent activities with whatever groups she was in.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, I get it. So tell me about this girlfriend.

[Caller Alan]

This girlfriend, she's on a solid financial footing as a elementary school teacher. She's been single for 13 years, had a number of boyfriends, and she was basic. She says she was out of the dating pool until she ran across me online and decided to give it one more shot, thinking that if this doesn't work, she's out forever. And it's. It took off great. And actually, at the moment, it's still not bad, I would say. But there are some. There are some things changing. I feel like I'm at a turning point. After a year, she's. I would say she's solid emotionally, although she had a really lousy childhood. Terrible childhood.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I don't care about anybody's childhood unless, you know, they're really disrupting their lives. People have all kinds of childhood. That doesn't mean that they're not behaving in a healthy way today.

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So I just want to know, what change did you see after a year? What is your concern that has you calling me?

[Caller Alan]

Okay, so deep emotional connections. What I'M looking for in the third act. I tried it with my. My ex.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I heard all of that. Tell me what the problem is today with the new girlfriend.

[Caller Alan]

I heard the rest when I asked for. When I asked for physical affection, verbal appreciation, and just a little bit of sex. I'm 65, after all. Right. She says I'm asking for too much.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, Alan, stop talking. Just stop.

[Caller Alan]

I have just.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You ran businesses that require some iq, and I know that emotions have no iq, but sometimes we can get those concepts to slop over into each other. Okay. If the woman is not affectionate, verbally or physically, there's no conversation to have. That changes that.

[Caller Alan]

I know you hate this, but there's a yes, but no.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

There's never a yes, but there's a yes. That's true. However, I'd like to ignore that because there are great qualities, but there's really no such thing as a yes, but yes. That is true. That you cannot teach somebody or demand somebody to be physically and verbally and emotionally affectionate. They are. They ain't. That's it. Period. Yeah. Now, actually drop the word but and tell me. Well, so you'd like to not need that. That's a stupid call, and I wouldn't want to continue that.

[Caller Alan]

Yeah, that's what. That's kind of what I'm looking for. I didn't.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

That's a stupid call. That's a stupid call. No, no. If you're going to say I want to make myself into an inert person, that's just ridiculous. I wouldn't want to be with anybody who wasn't physically and emotionally and verbally affectionate either. The hell. That's kind of the normal foundation in a relationship is that kind of caring and connection. And if somebody is unwilling or unable to do that, you're gone. Your history. Goodbye. I don't know how long you think you're going to last, but at 65, you better have clarity on what you want and not waste a year again.

[Caller Alan]

Yeah, exactly. Thanks for that. I think I got what I need.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, good. Okay, good. My number, 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course. I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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