When Will I Get Over His Affair?

Summary

Summary of "When Will I Get Over His Affair?" – Dr. Laura Call of the Day

Introduction to the Episode

In the February 23, 2025 episode of "Dr. Laura Call of the Day," hosted by Dr. Laura Schlessinger on SiriusXM Triumph 111, Dr. Laura tackles the emotionally charged topic of infidelity and its aftermath in a long-term marriage. This episode, titled "When Will I Get Over His Affair?", features a heartfelt conversation with a caller named Candy, who seeks guidance on recovering from her husband's two-year affair.

Caller’s Dilemma

Candy begins by detailing her 15-year marriage, highlighting that both she and her husband entered their union with adult children from previous marriages. After seven years together, they decided to have two children of their own, an eight-year-old and a three-year-old (now three and a half) [00:14]. About a year prior, Candy discovered that her husband had been unfaithful for nearly two years, a revelation that has left her struggling to move forward.

Discovery of the Affair

The discovery process was both indirect and intuitive for Candy. She started receiving anonymous texts hinting at her husband's infidelity, which heightened her suspicions [00:14 - 00:57]. Trusting her intuition, especially given her husband's demanding schedule in the oil field, led her to investigate further. In a pivotal moment, Candy woke up one night and felt compelled to check her husband's truck console, where she found a second phone explicitly used for the mistress [01:05 - 02:00]. “I found another phone and that was a phone specifically for the woman” [01:55].

Confrontation and Ultimatum

Armed with undeniable evidence, Candy confronted her husband the next morning. She issued a clear ultimatum: it was either her and their family or the other woman [03:28 - 03:34]. Her husband chose the family, ending his affair. Committed to severing all ties, Candy also confronted the mistress, who worked in the same city and was a teacher at her child’s school [03:53 - 04:05]. Despite the conflict, Candy noticed positive changes in her husband's behavior, including increased involvement in family activities.

Impact on the Marriage

Candy candidly shares her feelings of guilt, believing that her focus on breastfeeding her baby and not giving her husband enough attention as a wife may have contributed to the affair [04:18 - 05:12]. She grapples with the pain of betrayal and the lingering insecurity about her husband's loyalty. To address trust issues, they installed tracking devices on his vehicle, hoping to alleviate some of her anxiety [07:25 - 07:40].

Dr. Laura’s Advice and Insights

Dr. Laura employs her signature no-nonsense approach, emphasizing that healing from infidelity is a long, ongoing process. She asserts, “You will never totally get over it, ever. You'll live with it and make the best of it, but you'll never get over it” [05:12 - 05:26]. Dr. Laura advises Candy to adjust her expectations, understanding that the betrayal will forever be a part of their marriage and that true healing involves integrating this experience rather than erasing it.

Key pieces of advice include:

• Accepting the Reality: Recognize that fully moving past the affair may be unrealistic. Instead, focus on building a new foundation within the marriage [05:12 - 05:26].

• Avoiding Punishment: Stop behaviors meant to punish her husband, such as withholding affection or being unkind. Dr. Laura emphasizes, “If you're going to punish him, you might as well leave” [06:03 - 06:22].

• Setting Boundaries: When confronted with insensitivity, use strategic responses. For example, when her husband questioned if she would ever stop worrying, Candy can respond with, “If I was in that man's arms, how long would it take you?” [08:00 - 08:57].

• Expressing Needs: Clearly communicate her emotional needs to her husband, such as needing love, hugs, and attention [09:13 - 09:25].

Dr. Laura also highlights the importance of self-care and realistic expectations, noting that Candy's role as a mother adds complexity to her healing process. She underscores that the responsibility to move forward primarily rests with Candy, as it is significantly more challenging for her to "get over" the affair compared to her husband, who may find it easier to move on [07:40 - 08:05].

Conclusion

By the episode's end, Candy feels a sense of validation and a better understanding of her path to healing. Dr. Laura’s straightforward advice equips her with strategies to manage her emotions and rebuild trust within her marriage. The episode underscores the enduring impact of infidelity and the importance of accountability, personal responsibility, and ethical behavior in overcoming marital crises.

Notable Quotes:

• Candy on discovering the affair: “I found another phone and that was a phone specifically for the woman” [01:55].

• Dr. Laura on moving forward: “You will never totally get over it, ever. You'll live with it and make the best of it, but you'll never get over it” [05:12 - 05:26].

• Dr. Laura on punishment: “If you're going to punish him, you might as well leave” [06:03 - 06:22].

• Dr. Laura’s advice on communication: “If I was in that man's arms, how long would it take you?” [08:47].

This episode serves as a compassionate yet realistic guide for individuals navigating the turbulent waters of marital infidelity, emphasizing that while complete emotional recovery may be unattainable, a path toward a renewed and stronger relationship is possible through conscious effort and honest communication.

Transcript

[A]

Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Candy, welcome to the program.

[B]

Thank you. So my, my kind of dilemma here is that I have been with my husband 15 years. A little over 15. We were both previously married, married and had children that are adult children from our previous marriages. And then once we were married and we were together about seven years, six, seven. We decided we wanted to have children together. So we have an eight year old and a three year old. Well, she's three and a half. About a year ago I found out he had had an affair for almost two years.

[A]

Gloss over that. How did you come to find out? How did you come to find out he had an affair?

[B]

I was getting some texts from anonymous people and then the ultimate, you know, and my intuition was telling me just that things weren't right. He works in the oil field, so he. We. That's our schedule when he's gone A lot, he's home a lot, he's home. Not, you know, it's kind of hectic. But I would get anonymous text telling me, oh, he's.

[A]

You told me the anonymous text. How did you find out as a fact that he was having an affair?

[B]

1. One night I just woke up at midnight out the bed and something told me go to go look in his truck console. So I just did for some reason. And I found another phone and that was a phone specifically for the woman. And where was he?

[A]

Woohoo. I don't want to keep woohooing you, so slow down.

[B]

Yes, ma'am, I'm back.

[A]

A couple of woohoos is cute after that, it even annoys me. So yep. Yeah. Okay. So was he home when you went into his truck?

[B]

He was asleep.

[A]

So when you walked back in the house holding the phone, did you wake him up?

[B]

No, I actually held onto it until the next day to even confront why I kind of had in. In my gut had known and accepted and. But you know, I wanted to give myself time to look through it. And yeah, I don't know, the normal me would have flown off the handle, but I didn't do that.

[A]

So when you went through the phone, what did you discover?

[B]

Secret meetings that they were having, you know, meetups at parking lots, hotels on weekends. He was supposed to be with his buddies. Text and conversations during the day while she was at school, while he was at work. She's a school teacher. All things of that nature.

[A]

Worked in the oil fields. Now he's a schoolteacher.

[B]

Yes. No, she is. She is.

[A]

Oh, she is.

[B]

Yes, ma'am. So when she would have her, then what did you do?

[A]

So then what did you.

[B]

I. I confronted him about it the next morning, and he told me, you know, I gave him the ultimatum. It was me and the family or it was the woman. And I would. And that was. That was that. And he's never spoken to her again. That was over. He's been.

[A]

How the hell would you ever know it was over?

[B]

The woman lives in the same city. I actually confronted her as well and told her kind of the same thing. Like, I, you know, you. You're a teacher at my child's school. I'll take this to where. Because there was also pictures on there. I wasn't nice about it and why.

[A]

Should you be trying to wreck your family? You're supposed to be nice.

[B]

Yes. And I. I believe it's over because he has spent all his time, you know, more time with us, making more of an effort doing the family things that he was not doing. And like I told the. Your lady, I. I take a little responsibility for the affair because I was not being a proper wife. My daughter was a baby. She was exclusively breastfed. Not that I should be punished for that. I know, but I. I didn't give him the attention as a wife. And looking back, I knew that. So it's just. My issue is getting over it. Oh.

[A]

Okay. Now take a few breaths and just slow down. You'll never get over it. He won't either. He cared about him. You'll never get over it. You have to live in.

[B]

Shh.

[A]

Now you need to stop talking. You will never totally get over it, ever. You'll live with it and make the best of it, but you'll never get over it. So don't make that as an expectation that someday you're going to wake up and it's all just going to be somewhat of a dream that went away. No. This is a part of the marriage forever.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So the thing is, are the two of you going to make the best of it?

[B]

We are doing better. And I am. Yeah, I believe so.

[A]

If you are going to punish him. No sex, not being nice, overcooking his eggs. If you're going to punish him, you might as well leave.

[B]

Yes and no. I'm not doing that.

[A]

Good. But if that was your expectation that you'll get over it. No, you won't. You'll do your best in spite of it for the things that are Good about him, the whatever. How he is with the kids. You'll have to find other slots to put this in.

[B]

Yes, ma'am. It's. Yes. And that's just my kind of thing. Was. Like you said, sometimes I get that, you know, how do I know it's over? And, you know, sometimes I get this little feeling, like when he goes into the store to work, like, you know, get this feeling, is that really where he is? And I, you know, I don't know that'll ever go away.

[A]

You have to.

[B]

Me, you have to live with it.

[A]

You'll have to live with that. Or you could put one of those little apple thingies on the bottom of his truck so you know where the truck is. Okay, good.

[B]

We did. Which I was very surprised he agreed to, but we did do the light 360 and the little trackers on. On the vehicle. So we. We have all that in place.

[A]

Okay. Well, then all you need to do is look down at your phone and you'll know.

[B]

Yes, ma'am.

[A]

But you can't expect to not feel insecure about it. You can't expect that if this marriage blew up, you'd have two kids plus two priors, plus, you know, two marriages down. That's a lot. It's more on you than it would be on him.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Be easier for him to move on than it is for you.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Because you're the mother. You're the woman.

[B]

Yes. And I think, like you said, that's the punishment. Sometimes I'll question or ask him, and he'll ask me, will you ever get. Will you ever stop?

[A]

I have an answer for you to give him. I have an answer for you to give him. How long would it have taken you see, if you keep talking, then you don't hear what I'm going to say, so slow it down. Say to him, how long do you think it would take for you to stop wondering.

[B]

Yes, ma'am.

[A]

If I was in that man's arms, how long would it take you?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

That's the way to handle that question.

[B]

Yes, ma'am. That's, like a good answer.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Well, I appreciate it. And I think that you just now give me a little bit more of what I already kind of knew. I kind of knew what you would say, but I wanted to hear it from you.

[A]

I know you need to feel some love, some hugs, some attention. Tell him that's what you need. I need some love, some hugs, and some attention.

[B]

Yes, ma'am.

[A]

And he does, too. But start there. He's the one who broke the vows. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.