Why Am I Sabotaging My Chances at Love?

Summary

The Dr. Laura Podcast
Episode: Why Am I Sabotaging My Chances at Love?
Date: May 1, 2026
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Guest: Marina

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Episode Overview

In this emotionally charged episode, Dr. Laura Schlessinger engages in a candid, powerful conversation with Marina, a 33-year-old listener struggling to trust men and pursue romantic relationships due to a history of abuse and betrayal by male figures throughout her life. The discussion deeply examines how trauma and childhood experiences can sabotage adult relationships, the role of both men and women in fostering healthy environments, and actionable steps for healing and moving forward.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Marina's Background and Struggles with Trust (02:17 - 06:27)

• Marina shares her history of repeated physical, sexual, and emotional abuse from her father and brother, beginning in infancy. She highlights that these early traumas, compounded by further disappointments from religious and educational male leaders, have left her deeply wary of men.
  • "I'm just a single young professional woman. I am struggling with finding good men and even believing that there are good men. But it's deeper than that... I've been so failed by men in my life..." (02:21 - 03:20)
  • Marina expresses a longing for positive male leadership while grappling with a near-instinctual distrust: "I feel like it's just so ingrained in me to not trust them and to like, not see the light. And I don't want to be that person." (03:25 - 03:53)

2. The Impact of Family and Abuse (06:27 - 07:35)

• Marina explains the extent of her trauma: "So physical, sexual, emotional abuse from father and brother, starting from my earliest memory as an infant. ...I’ve always been a really outspoken person and child...that kind of made me a target for just being retaliated against. And again, it was just always men..." (06:27 - 07:29)
• She describes being punished for her outspokenness, noting the silence and complicity present in her family and community.

3. Addressing Maternal Complicity (07:35 - 08:41)

• Dr. Laura pivots to underscore the role of Marina’s mother in the ongoing abuse. Dr. Laura passionately argues that women’s failure to protect themselves and their children is a significant contributing factor in the perpetuation of abuse.
  • Memorable quote: "The only reason men can get away with this—other women stand by and let it happen to themselves and their own children or else men couldn't get away with it... That's how powerful women are. But they don't exert their power..." (07:45 - 08:30)

4. Navigating Healing and Building Trust (08:41 - 09:10)

• Marina acknowledges ongoing challenges around resentment and healing from her parents’ failures.
  • "Yeah, well, that was a lot. A large part of the healing over time process and just dealing with the resentment. And I'm very aware of all that, too." (08:41 - 09:01)

5. Dr. Laura’s Recommendations: Finding Quality Men (09:10 - 10:23)

• Dr. Laura provides specific strategies for Marina to meet men with integrity:
  • Suggests looking for men in environments built around “community and shared values”: animal shelters, food banks, religious ministry, charities, or organizations that provide service (e.g., building homes for veterans).
  • Stresses these activities attract men who are less likely to perpetrate harm and more likely to show empathy and integrity.
  • Emphasizes, "You can't go on the net, you can't go to bars... You're going to have to go to places where you have to think: a quality man would spend his time doing what?" (09:17 - 09:35)
  • "What kind of a guy are you going to find doing that? A very decent guy who’s sacrificing all that time to not be in a bar picking up babes but doing something beautiful." (10:06 - 10:18)

6. Clarification and Encouragement (10:23 - 10:59)

• Marina shares that she already volunteers, lives celibately, and maintains high standards, prompting Dr. Laura to clarify she is suggesting these spaces as avenues to meet men, not just as self-improvement.
  • Dr. Laura stresses, "Sweetheart, sweetheart, I'm not asking for your resume. I'm talking about where you go to find good men. ...If you want to find a good man, you're going to have to go to places where it's community and shared values. You will more feel like you can trust." (10:40 - 10:56)
  • She concludes firmly, "Believe me, what I told you is important because I can't fix your history." (10:57 - 10:59)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Marina (on ingrained distrust):

  "It’s just so ingrained in me to not trust them and to, like, not see the light. And I don’t want to be that person." (03:50)

• Dr. Laura (on the power of women to intervene):

  "The only reason men can get away with this—other women stand by and let it happen to themselves and their own children or else men couldn't get away with it... That’s how powerful women are. But they don’t exert their power..." (08:00)

• Dr. Laura (on where to find quality men):

  "You have to go to places where integrity, values, community is the focus of their activities." (10:42)

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Key Timestamps

• 02:17 – Marina lays out her struggle with trust and relationships
• 06:27 – Marina describes a lifetime of abuse and its impacts
• 07:35 – Dr. Laura challenges the narrative, critiquing maternal inaction
• 09:10 – Dr. Laura gives strategic advice for expanding dating options
• 10:40 – Dr. Laura clarifies how and where to meet decent men

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Final Takeaways

• Childhood trauma profoundly affects adult capacity for trust and intimacy—addressing both the root causes and the present choices is key.
• Both men and women play roles in perpetuating or preventing harm; empowering women to stand up is as crucial as holding men accountable.
• Healing isn’t about fixing the past but creating safer, value-driven opportunities for healthy relationships by choosing environments that foster integrity and community.

Dr. Laura’s firm yet compassionate approach provides Marina—and listeners facing similar struggles—with practical, actionable guidance and a renewed sense of agency in their quest for love and healing.

Transcript

[Dr. Lora]

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[Marina]

Hey there. Thank you so much.

[Dr. Lora]

Hey there. You're very welcome.

[Marina]

So similar to the last caller, I'm going to give you some brief context and then stop me at any point if you have a question. So okay, ultimate question. I'm 33 years old. I'm just a single young professional woman. I am struggling with finding good men and even believing that there are good men. But it's deeper than that because I do believe that they exist and I want to see them. And I. I'm not a man hater. I genuinely want men to rise up and be better and try to encourage that. But on the same token, I'm so. I've been so failed by men in my life and I don't even know what words I can use on your show, but my just Father, brothers, priests, teachers, like the works of abuse and just seeing these men since I was a child of like, not good people and people I don't. So anyway, long story short, it has completely turned me off from wanting to even interact with them. But then there's this, like, deep sense of wanting male leadership and wanting to be around, like, good male figures. And I, I've done a lot of work on myself and shifting this mentality, but I, I feel like it's just so ingrained in me to not trust them and to like, not see the light. And I don't. I don't want to be that person.

[Dr. Lora]

Well, tell me a little bit more about what happened, Father, brother, et cetera. Tell me what you mean happened. As people age, it's normal to ask what more they could be doing to take care of their health. It's important to be proactive, especially when it comes to your brain health. Don't wait for something to feel off before taking action. Make your next checkup count. Ask your doctor about your risk factors for dementia and a cognitive assessment. Visit brainhealthmatters.com for more information and resources provided by Lily Looking for a gift to make Mom's Day? Shop Etsy for all her favorites, like personalized jewelry and accessories or even custom stained glass artwork she'll truly love. We can't count the ways your mom means the world to you, but you can count on Etsy to help you find a gift that will make her feel seen. Celebrate the heart of the family with Mother's Day gifts on Etsy. Celebrate being human. One crunchy bite of a Hershey's cookies and cream bar and I'm taken right back to college. Move in. Day I was a little overwhelmed by the newness of it all. Boxes were everywhere. I needed a break from unpacking. But just as I was able to take a breath and open my Hershey's Cookies and Cream bar, my new roommate Rachel walked in. I offered her a piece, but she said no. Then after a beat, she said, actually, those are my favorite ones.

[Marina]

We left.

[Dr. Lora]

The ice was broken, and we've been friends ever since. Hershey's. It's your happy place. Why have I asked my electrician I found on Angie.com to bury my pet hamster?

[Marina]

I was so moved by how carefully

[Dr. Lora]

he buried my electrical wires, I knew I could trust him to bury my

[Marina]

sweet nibbles after his untimely end.

[Dr. Lora]

This is very strange, Angie. The one you trust to find the ones you trust. Find pros for all your home [e-mail] let's check in on the Serta counting sheep. Hey, uncle number one, why aren't we counting anymore? Long ago, Serta invented the Perfect sleeper mattress. Oh, no. Oh, yes. It says the all new Certa Perfect sleeper with a Q4 support system has four in one perfectly interlinked coils that help relieve aches and back pain for perfect sleep. Night out, dark night. We'll never get counted again. Nope. Serta, we make the world's best mattress this Memorial Day. Save on Certa Perfect Sleeper X at a retailer near you.

[Marina]

So physical, sexual, emotional abuse from father and brother, starting from my earliest memory as an infant. So, and you know, that obviously kind of set the tone. And then we were a really religious family growing up in the church. And then obviously when you're a child, you don't have the cognitive awareness to realize like what things mean or what's going on. But it was like everyone was just creepy or inappropriate and every, you know, everything just felt wrong. And I've always been a really outspoken person and child, so. So I actually got most of the physical abuse because I, I don't know where it came from, but I just always had opinions and I always kind of like, that's why I respect you so much because I've always been just a straight shooter. And then that kind of made me a target for just really being retaliated against. And again, it was just always men like, you know, my father being well connected and us being.

[Dr. Lora]

Yeah, but your mother didn't save you. Your mother didn't protect you. What do you mean? It's always men.

[Marina]

Yeah.

[Dr. Lora]

Barrel shotgun, babe. Double barreled shotgun. Women stand. The only reason men can get away with this, other women stand by and let it happen to themselves and their own children or else men couldn't get away with it. Remember the Greek play Lysistrata? Not that they educate people anymore, but it's a Greek play. And basically what happened is the women got tired of war. So they said, you go to war, no sex, no companionship, nada. That's how powerful women are. But they don't exert their power because a lot of women are weak and get off on a man who's ultra alpha instead of just quality alpha. So you have to understand that your mother didn't protect you or this never would have happened.

[Marina]

Yeah, well, that was a lot. A large part of the, you know, healing over time process and just, you know, dealing with the resentment. And I'm very aware of all that, too. So, I mean, they've divorced and all of that and, you know, life, Life goes on. But it's. Yeah. I mean, when your foundation is both parents, that doesn't really set a good precedent for trust in your life. And then.

[Dr. Lora]

Right. So let me make some recommendations. So let me make some recommendations because you're young. Community, shared values. Good place to find men who aren't like this. For example, animal shelters, food banks, religious ministry things, charities. Like, I don't know, there's motorcycle communities that raise funds. I mean, they're so many places that you can find men who have values closer to what you would feel safe with. You can't go on the net, you can't go to bars. You can't go. Things like that. You're going to have to go to places where you have to think a quality man would spend his time doing what. That's where you go. We can't fix what happened to you, but if we put you in an environment where you're more likely to find a decent guy, then you have to go into environments like I'm suggesting.

[Marina]

Yeah. So I. What you were just describing with the women and going to war. So I'm. That. I am that woman, you know, like celibate. This. I volunteer at the animal shelters. I've never drank in my life, partially just because I'm.

[Dr. Lora]

No, I'm no. Sweetheart, sweetheart, sweetheart. I'm not asking for your resume. I'm talking about where you go to find good men. You go to places where integrity, values, community is the focus of their activities. Not just sports, but there are organizations that actually, people come out not knowing anything about it and build homes for veterans and stuff like that. I mean, what kind of a guy are you going to find doing that? A very decent guy who's sacrificing all that time to not be in a bar picking up babes. But it was doing something beautiful. So if you want to find a good man, you're going to have to go to places where it's community and shared values. You will more feel like you can trust. Believe me, what I told you is important because I can't fix your history. 1-800-375-2872 if you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course. I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform. Why have. I asked my H Vac guy I found on Angie.com to change my grandpa's trachea tube. I was so amazed at how he replaced our air ducts, I knew I could trust him to change Pop Pop's tube. I think we should call a doctor. Ang the one you trust to find the ones you trust. Find pros for all your home [e-mail] Breathe in. Feel the sense of calm that comes from having up to $300 in overdraft protection with Goto Bank now. Did you say $300? Yes. Now back to our breathing. So if I overspend my balance, Goto bank has my back up to $300. Yes. Can we breathe out now? Less worries, more zen. With over $300 in overdraft protection, tap to open an account today. Eligible direct deposits and opt in required for overdraft protection fees. Terms and conditions apply.