Why Am I Thinking of My Ex?

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day – "Why Am I Thinking of My Ex?"

Episode Information:

• Title: Why Am I Thinking of My Ex?
• Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
• Platform: SiriusXM Triumph 111
• Release Date: August 14, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of Dr. Laura Call of the Day, Dr. Laura Schlessinger engages in a heartfelt and introspective conversation with Bill, a 70-year-old man grappling with lingering thoughts of his first wife despite being married for 36 years to his current wife. The discussion delves deep into the complexities of long-term relationships, personal accountability, and the enduring impact of past relationships on present happiness.

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Caller Background

Bill's Marital History:

• First Marriage: Married at 27 to a 20-year-old woman.
• Duration: Two years.
• Reason for Divorce: His first wife ended the marriage following an affair she had, leading to a contentious and unresolved separation.

Current Marriage:

• Duration: 36 years.
• Children: Two children from the second marriage.
• Dynamics: Generally positive relationship with occasional minor conflicts.

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Discussion of First Marriage

Bill reflects on his first marriage, highlighting a significant age gap and differing life stages. He acknowledges that his long work hours (five to six days a week as a car salesperson) left his young wife feeling neglected.

Bill: "I was just oblivious of how my actions were causing pain to her because obviously we were newly married and I just wasn't coming home on time."
[Timestamp: 03:57]

Dr. Laura probes deeper into the emotional landscape of Bill's first marriage, seeking to understand the foundations that led to its dissolution.

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Infidelity and Its Aftermath

Bill reveals that his first wife had an affair a few months before initiating the divorce, a revelation that deeply affected him. Despite feeling safe and comfortable in the marriage, his lack of presence contributed to his wife's loneliness and subsequent infidelity.

Bill: "I think that's the thing that bothers me the most."
[Timestamp: 13:08]

Dr. Laura emphasizes the importance of personal responsibility, pointing out how Bill's inattentiveness inadvertently paved the way for his first marriage's failure.

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Current Marriage and Reflection

In his current marriage, Bill describes a stable and loving relationship. However, thoughts of his ex-wife occasionally intrude, prompting him to seek advice. He admits to contacting his first wife recently, which stirred feelings of guilt and contemplation about his current relationship's strength.

Bill: "Not to take another person's love and trust for granted."
[Timestamp: 14:39]

Dr. Laura commends Bill for the lessons learned from his past and encourages him to communicate openly with his current wife about his experiences and lingering feelings to foster deeper understanding and trust.

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Interaction with First Wife

Bill recounts a recent conversation with his first wife, noting that it was largely cordial but left some unresolved questions, particularly regarding her motivations for the affair. Despite this, he recognizes the importance of not reopening old wounds without his current wife's knowledge and consent.

Dr. Laura: "I believe you should tell your wife that one of the reasons you're a better husband with her is because of this trickle of guilt and embarrassment of your first marriage."
[Timestamp: 14:12]

This exchange underscores the necessity of transparency in long-term relationships, especially when past experiences influence present emotions and behaviors.

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Lessons Learned and Conclusions

Through the dialogue, Bill comes to a profound realization about the importance of not taking love and trust for granted in his relationships. Dr. Laura reinforces the value of personal growth and the positive changes that result from confronting and learning from past mistakes.

Dr. Laura: "I think you’re okay. I would urge you to tell your wife... it's a good thing for her to share, for you to share with her."
[Timestamp: 14:12]

Bill acknowledges that it took decades to internalize this lesson but remains committed to applying it to enhance his current marriage.

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Notable Quotes

• Bill on First Marriage Neglect:

  "I was just oblivious of how my actions were causing pain to her because obviously we were newly married and I just wasn't coming home on time."
  [Timestamp: 03:57]

• Bill on Guilt and Learning:

  "Not to take another person's love and trust for granted."
  [Timestamp: 14:39]

• Dr. Laura on Communication:

  "I believe you should tell your wife that one of the reasons you're a better husband with her is because of this trickle of guilt and embarrassment of your first marriage."
  [Timestamp: 14:12]

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Conclusion

This episode of Dr. Laura Call of the Day offers a candid exploration of how past relationships can influence present ones. Through empathetic dialogue, Dr. Laura helps Bill navigate his feelings of guilt and unresolved emotions, ultimately guiding him toward fostering a more honest and fulfilling relationship with his current wife. The conversation serves as a poignant reminder of the enduring impact of personal accountability and the transformative power of introspection in long-term partnerships.

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Connect with Dr. Laura:

• Facebook: facebook.com/drlaura
• Instagram: instagram.com/drlaura_program

Transcript

[Dr. Laura]

Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111.

[Bill]

Bill, welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Thank you. How are you?

[Bill]

Good, Bill. How can I help?

[Caller]

Well, I just got a bit of a situation that I think I might know the answer to, but it's still been bothering me and I was recommended to give you a show a call.

[Bill]

And why don't we start out with the answer and work our way back. You think the answer might be.

[Caller]

It might be that I'm pulling up recurring thoughts and memories of my first wife because I might not be too happy with my current situation. My wife and I have been married for about 36 years and we're both getting up in age, so it's not like when we were young.

[Bill]

What was it like when you were young with your first wife? What was that like?

[Caller]

We just be a lot more active, you know, sex would be more frequent, things like that, a little more spontaneous.

[Bill]

Are we talking mostly about sex or other things? Sports?

[Caller]

No, not, not mainly that. It's just that again, I'm not sure, I'm not sure what it is if there's something with this current relationship or it's just me getting.

[Bill]

I'm not asking. Sir, stop. I'm not asking you to analyze. I'm just asking you to tell me what your first marriage was like when you were younger. Could you spend a little more time on that, please?

[Caller]

Okay. When I got married the first time I was. I met the girl, she was 20 years old, I was 27. So there was a pretty big age gap. We ended up getting married after dating for two years. We were married for two years. She decided that she didn't want to be married anymore. She had actually had an affair a couple of months before this announcement and nothing really got resolved after the fact. It was a. It wasn't an amical splitting. I did not want to get a divorce, but she was adamant this wasn't a good ending.

[Bill]

Until you found out about the affair. Were you happy in the marriage? Did you have a sense that you were safe with her? Safe?

[Caller]

Yes, I was definitely felt safe, felt comfortable. Unfortunately, I was working in an automobile business as a salesperson. So I was working very long hours, five to six days a week. And here she was a new bride and she was home by herself until I would get home after 9 o' clock. And frequently I would go out with friends in the dealership and have a few drinks and then Go home. So sometimes not get home till 10 or 11 o'. Clock.

[Bill]

And at the time you felt this is something you ought to be able to do.

[Caller]

At the time? No, I didn't. I didn't think there was anything unusual about that.

[Bill]

Ah.

[Caller]

I was just oblivious of how my actions were causing pain to her because obviously we were newly married and I just wasn't coming home on time.

[Bill]

Was your dad the same way? Did you sort of learn this from him?

[Caller]

Looking back at it, My mother and father did not have a close relationship. They divorced when all four kids were adults because they just never really. They were like water and vinegar. They just did not mix well.

[Bill]

Did they remarry other people?

[Caller]

No, they met and lived with other people, but never got remarried. Although I'm sorry to say, my father did remarry a week before he passed away. He was in the hospital and unfortunately had terminal cancer. So him and his longtime girlfriend did decide to get married before he died.

[Bill]

And then how long after the divorce did you meet your current wife?

[Caller]

I had actually met her in a dealership that I was working at. She was working in the administrative office and I was married at the time. And we used to joke around and I used to flirt with her and everything like that. Innocent as far as on my part, but that's how we met. And a couple years later, she had left that dealership and she was working at a different dealership. I left the dealership I was at and went to this newer dealership and she showed up on a Friday because she had some friends there and joking all around. It was just about to finalize the divorce within a week or so. And one of the guys kiddingly said to her, say, hey, Bill's getting divorced, gonna be official next week. Why don't you guys get together and go on a date? Well, long story short, we went on the date and within the next few years we ended up getting married.

[Bill]

Did you have children together?

[Caller]

Yes, two children. Not with the first wife, just the second.

[Bill]

Right. Okay. So tell me about your marriage. I mean, 36 years. I guess there's too much to talk about. But how has it been?

[Caller]

It's been good. You know, we have. We have our moments, which is natural. You know, we can definitely get under each other's skin every now and then, but it's not something that is retained. It's one of those things, you just pass it and you just move on and acknowledge that. Okay, you said something a little foolish or you did something foolish. Let's just get past it. So I think we're a pretty good team.

[Bill]

Do you feel like you love him?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Bill]

Okay, you're 70 years old. Tell me about death.

[Caller]

About what?

[Bill]

Death.

[Caller]

Oh, I know it's on the horizon.

[Bill]

Well, tell me how you've been thinking about death being older because you're in the age range 70, 80, 90, 100, 110. That one of the next steps is oblivion. So I was wondering if you would tell me your thoughts about that.

[Caller]

It's not anything that I really try to dwell on. I try to just live each day and take whatever happens, happens.

[Bill]

Well, that sounds like a cork in the middle of the ocean. Whatever happens, happens in human life. We do things. They don't just happen. So I didn't quite understand that. I just want to know between now and dead. How do you look at this?

[Caller]

I really can't say. It's not something that I too often try to think about. I know it's out there, but it's one of those things that I pay a lot more attention to. News of obituaries on the radio and stuff like that. Oh, he was a year younger than me or only two years older than me.

[Bill]

Huh. And what are you doing? Are you retired? Are you still working?

[Caller]

I'm still working. I'm.

[Bill]

Are you working? What kind of hours?

[Caller]

The hours vary during the day. Not. Not too many hours, just enough to keep me busy.

[Bill]

Okay. Have you contacted your first wife?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Bill]

Does your current wife know that?

[Caller]

No.

[Bill]

Why not?

[Caller]

Well, when my wife and I had started dating, there was still some relationship, end of relationship type of things that had to get done. Personal bills and things like that that had to get taken care of. So my current wife, when we were dating, I was still having to deal with the ex wife. She would come into the dealership. She needed a check for this, a check for that, Whatever, whatever. And when we were dating, my wife knew, you know, once I went home or we were going out somewhere, she could tell. She said, you saw the ex today, didn't you? Boy, you don't miss a trip.

[Bill]

If I may say, at that time, you're barely finished with a relationship. She hadn't married you quite yet. And that's a very insecure time, because some people go back to their wives. That's different than 36 years. So I can understand why at that time, you may not want to be on the table about it. But after 36 years, I think she's probably expecting more loyalty.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Bill]

So that was a mistake that indicated that you're trying to relive something because you're at the more of the end of your life than at the beginning of your adult life. You're more at the end of your adult life and now you're sneaking. Not good. Now, when you contacted your first wife, what did you say and what happened in the conversation? If you're willing to say.

[Caller]

Not really too much. It was a fairly good. Good conversation.

[Bill]

What made it a good conversation?

[Caller]

Well, just going over some different things from the past and everything like that, and how she was doing now, how I was doing now, those types of things. She. She had remarried also, but unfortunately, her and her husband did not last together and they got divorced years back, I guess. So what her current status is, I really don't know. I didn't. Didn't bother asking her.

[Bill]

At the end of the conversation, did you have the sense. Be truthful here. At the end of the conversation, did you have the sense that you wanted to connect a little more, have more conversations?

[Caller]

No. There were probably a couple of other questions I could have asked, but they weren't. Like what Important?

[Bill]

Like what?

[Caller]

The infidelity that was done on her part.

[Bill]

What. What question did you want to ask about the infidelity?

[Caller]

Just what drove her to that? Why. Why would. Why she would do that?

[Bill]

No husband at home.

[Caller]

Pardon?

[Bill]

No husband at home. She was lonely.

[Caller]

It definitely sounds like it.

[Bill]

She was lonely. You made sure you were never lonely. She didn't have that power until she decided to find another man. She was lonely.

[Caller]

Right. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense.

[Bill]

And your selfishness lost you a woman.

[Caller]

Definitely. And I think that's the thing that bothers me the most.

[Bill]

The loss or the selfishness?

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah. Even though it's. Well, in the past, I think, you know, at that time there, even though I was seven years older than her, I think as far as mature maturity goes and relationship, I wasn't prepared.

[Bill]

Right. In this conversation you had with her, did you apologize?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Bill]

And you didn't feel like calling again? Are those two things true?

[Caller]

Yes, I. The reason I would, even though I still have some questions I like to ask, I'm not going to pursue them because again, I feel guilty about doing it without my wife knowing.

[Bill]

Yes.

[Caller]

And I. However, I think eventually I will have that conversation with her.

[Bill]

I believe you should. I believe you should tell your wife that. You even tell her that you called me. We had a long conversation about this. You were selfish, thoughtless, she was lonely, she had another man in her bed and then dumped you. In one sentence, what do you think you learned from that memory.

[Caller]

Not to take another person's love and trust for granted.

[Bill]

Bill, I'm glad you contacted her. It seems that you learned an important lesson. It took you 50 years to learn it. Perhaps. Who cares? You learned it. And I would imagine you treat your wife better because of what happened in that first experience. So I think you're okay. I would urge you to tell your wife that one of the reasons you're a better husband with her is because of this trickle of guilt and embarrassment of your first marriage. It's not a matter of still loving that woman. It's a matter of dealing with your soul, your character, your psyche. I believe it's a good thing for her to share, for you to share with her.

[Caller]

Okay. That's good.

[Bill]

All right, sir, I appreciate your call. My number, 1-800-375-2872.

[Dr. Laura]

Check out my social media on Facebook and Instagram. I post stories, photos and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you sent me, too. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com drlaura and instagram.com drlaura program.