You Picked Her. Stop Picking on Her!

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day – "You Picked Her. Stop Picking on Her!"

Episode Information

• Title: You Picked Her. Stop Picking on Her!
• Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
• Release Date: February 12, 2025
• Platform: SiriusXM Triumph 111

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Introduction

In this compelling episode of Dr. Laura Call of the Day, Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses a heartfelt plea from a listener struggling within his marriage. The conversation delves deep into the challenges of maintaining a harmonious relationship when one partner has Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD).

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Caller’s Dilemma

Caller Background: At [00:31], a listener introduces himself as a husband of ten years with two young children. He shares that his wife has severe ADD, a condition he was aware of before marriage. Despite this awareness, he has taken on the majority of household responsibilities, leading to growing tensions.

Key Issues Raised:

• Disorganization and Messiness: The caller describes his wife’s difficulty in maintaining an organized home, often resulting in financial struggles and a chaotic environment.
• Emotional Toll: He admits to feeling the weight of these responsibilities and expresses a desire to improve his marriage's quality.

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Dr. Laura’s Guidance

Understanding the Root Cause: At [01:58], Dr. Laura prompts the caller to reflect on the specific behaviors associated with his wife's ADD, such as a messy house and financial disorganization. This introspection helps in identifying the underlying issues rather than merely labeling them.

Acknowledging Personal Responsibility: At [02:22], Dr. Laura commends the caller for his clarity but challenges his expectation that his partner would take on more responsibility. She emphasizes that her wife's ADD affects her ability to change certain behaviors.

Focusing on Positive Traits: At [03:16], Dr. Laura asks if the caller’s wife is loving, affectionate, and compassionate. Upon affirmation, she advises him to prioritize these positive aspects over the disorganization, suggesting that while one can hire help for household tasks, one cannot outsource love and companionship.

Addressing Negative Behavior: At [07:19], the caller admits to becoming "an asshole," affecting both his wife and children. Dr. Laura responds firmly at [07:24], reiterating that being unkind undermines the marriage far more than any organizational issues. She urges him to choose kindness and maturity over frustration.

Practical Steps for Improvement:

• Reminding of Marriage’s Purpose: At [07:54], she reinforces that marriage is about partnership, not a transactional relationship like a business.
• Encouraging Positive Actions: At [09:07], Dr. Laura suggests simple yet impactful actions, such as taking a shower together, to rebuild intimacy and connection.

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. Laura at [02:47]: "You're going to have to be the more responsible one. That's not how her brain works."
• Caller at [07:19]: "So then how do I stop being an asshole? Because it's affecting my wife and my kids and I don't want to."
• Dr. Laura at [07:24]: "You can't have the other part. Can't have the other part… Take the ones that are kind and loving and warm and sexy. Don't take the organized and all of that because you can hire somebody to do that."

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Conclusion and Takeaways

Dr. Laura concludes the call by reinforcing the importance of focusing on the loving and compassionate aspects of the marriage. She underscores that while external support can manage organizational tasks, the emotional bond must be nurtured personally. The caller expresses relief and commits to making positive changes, highlighting the effectiveness of Dr. Laura’s straightforward advice.

Final Quote:

• Caller at [09:54]: "We'll do. That's good medicine."

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Key Insights

1. Prioritize Emotional Connection: In marriages where one partner struggles with ADD or similar challenges, maintaining emotional intimacy is crucial.
2. Choose Kindness Over Frustration: Negative behaviors can erode relationships more profoundly than logistical issues.
3. Seek Practical Solutions: While external help can address disorganization, personal responsibility is essential for emotional health.
4. Simple Acts Matter: Small gestures, like sharing a shower, can significantly strengthen marital bonds.

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Conclusion

This episode of Dr. Laura Call of the Day serves as a poignant reminder of the delicate balance required in relationships, especially when one partner faces challenges like ADD. Dr. Laura’s empathetic yet firm guidance offers valuable strategies for fostering a loving and supportive marriage, emphasizing that the heart of the relationship must remain the focal point.

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Connect with Dr. Laura: To join Dr. Laura’s live radio program or become a Family member, visit DrLaura.com.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura]

Thanks for downloading my Call of the Day podcast. You too can participate in my live radio program heard weekdays from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111 David welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Thank you, Dr. Laura. I have been married to my wife 10 years. We have two young kids. And the reason for the call, and I've been wanting to call for a while, is my wife actually introduced me to you, let's say about eight years ago. She's been listening since she was a kid. But I'm trying to figure out if there's something I can be doing different in our marriage to make our marriage a lot more pleasant, enjoyable for the both of us. I feel in my marriage with my wife, she has pretty severe add, knew it going in. So, you know, it wasn't a surprise, obviously, that I am taking on pretty much all the response.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, let's go backwards. When you met her and you knew about the severe ADD and I, rather than just giving it a label, what were the behaviors that got labeled ADD that she had when you were first meeting and dating, what were the behaviors.

[Caller]

Not, you know, a very messy, messy house, unorganized everything, late financial struggles, kind of staying on top of, you know, finances and, you know, any level of attention to detail for things that she just doesn't find interesting for herself.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, let me just say this then and thank you for being so clear and answering the question since you knew that going in. That's why you seem to have more responsibility, because you have to. I don't know why you thought that would change.

[Caller]

Yeah, I didn't think it would, I guess.

[Dr. Laura]

But you're wanting it to now. I'm sorry, you're going to have to be the more responsible one. That's not how her brain works. Is she loving? Is she affectionate? Is she sensual? Is she thoughtful? Is she kind? Is she compassionate? Is she those things.

[Caller]

Yes. The caveat to that is that I can be like. I can be an asshole because I want the other part that I feel like I stop.

[Dr. Laura]

You can't have the other part. Can't have the other part. And if I said to you you can only have one of the two parts, trust me, take the ones that are kind and loving and warm and sexy. Don't take the organized and all of that because you can hire somebody to do that. Can't hire somebody to care about you. Curling up on the couch for a movie is one of my favorite ways to end the day. Lily's always right there with me. And we have a new addition to our movie nights, the fluffiest pretty Rosewater pink Lola Blanket. Lola Blankets are unbelievably soft double sided faux fur blankets with a huggable stretch that molds to your body. Lola Blankets come in a beautiful array of colors and three different sizes so you can find just the right fit for your family. They even offer weighted blankets for better sleep and relaxation and super cute knotted faux fur pillows. With thousands of five star reviews, Lola Blankets are the must have upgrade your home and comfort deserve. So go to Lola blankets.com use my code DRLAURA at checkout for 40% off. An incredible discount just for you, my listener. What are you waiting for? Go to lolablankets.com today and experience the life changing softness for yourself.

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[Caller]

So then how do I stop being an asshole? Because it's affecting my wife and my kids and I don't want to.

[Dr. Laura]

I just told you how. I just told you how. Appreciate all the warm, mushy stuff every time he'd get irritated that she didn't pay a bill. Yeah, but she hugged me yesterday and God, that felt good and I needed it like that. Remind yourself of what you're really in the marriage for. It's a marriage, not a business.

[Caller]

Now that, that helped. That, that kind of helped.

[Dr. Laura]

It's a marriage, not a business. And you being an asshole to her and your kids is infinitely worse than her not being organized. She can't really change that. That's how her brain is. You can change being an asshole by putting some maturity and compassion and understanding that if you only had one side to choose, you got the better.

[Caller]

Yeah, that's true.

[Dr. Laura]

So please enjoy the better side in spite of the other because we can hire somebody to organize and to clean the house and hire people to do that. You can't hire somebody to be your wife and the mother of your kids.

[Caller]

Oh, okay.

[Dr. Laura]

Go home and don't be an asshole anymore. Be a loving, wonderful, warm, fun dad and husband. Go home and do that. Be happier making yourself miserable, not your family only. That's miserable. You're making yourself miserable. I mean, listen to you. You sound miserable. Why would you want to be miserable when you have the opportunity to hug and kiss and play and talk and hang out with your family?

[Caller]

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I'm making myself.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, don't make a better choice. Take a shower with your wife tonight. Seriously.

[Caller]

Appreciate it, Dr. Laura.

[Dr. Laura]

Tonight, a shower together.

[Caller]

We'll do. That's good medicine.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah, that is good medicine, babe. My number. 1-800-375-2872. I'm appreciative that the kind of men that largely call our show are willing to admit to being assholes when they are being assholes. Uh, okay. 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course. I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform. Okay, we've got Katie's project, Dan's bake sale. Emma has a test tomorrow. Uh, sweetie, I'm out of my blood pressure meds.

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[Caller]

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