You’re Supposed to Raise Them to Leave You, Not Need You!

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. Laura Podcast

Episode: You’re Supposed to Raise Them to Leave You, Not Need You!
Date: March 13, 2026
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Producer: SiriusXM

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Dr. Laura Podcast delves into the essential purpose of parenting: preparing children to become independent adults who leave, not continually need, their parents. Dr. Laura draws on psychological theory, a recent article from the Good Men Project, personal anecdotes, and firm opinions to encourage listeners—especially parents—to reframe their relationship with their adult children. The tone is frank, practical, and often laced with Dr. Laura’s signature wit.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Parenting Defined by Independence, Not Need

• Anna Freud’s Definition:
  Dr. Laura opens by quoting Anna Freud:

  “Her definition of a mother is someone to be left.” (02:01)

• Emphasizes that the goal is to raise children to want to communicate and visit out of respect and affection—not out of dependency.

2. The Trouble with “Needing to be Needed”

• Refers to a recent article on Goodmenproject.com:

  “…to become unnecessary. A parent’s ultimate mission. You need your kids not to need you.” (03:44)

• Dr. Laura acknowledges that many parents, especially mothers, have trouble releasing their need to feel needed by their children, which undermines the child's independence.
• “For a lot of you mothers, becoming unnecessary doesn’t mean the end of love.” (04:42)

3. Building Autonomy: There’s No Single Formula

• Reads from Antonio Parenthe Jr.’s article about teaching his daughter to take the bus.
  • Stresses the anxiety and risk involved but frames these as necessary for growth.

  • “How much autonomy you feel comfortable giving your child depends on many factors—where you live, what you consider an acceptable risk, and so on.” (04:17)

4. Letting Go of the Herd Mentality

• Disagrees with following what other parents do; stresses parenting as a personal and situational choice:

  “Don’t do what other parents are doing… You don’t join a herd unless you’re in politics.” (04:33)

5. What Does Needing a Parent Mean?

• Distinguishes between healthy adult relationships and dependency:

  “Think about your friends. Do you need them the way a child needs a caregiver? No.” (07:18)

• Healthy relationships with adult children should be based on mutual love and respect, not ongoing practical dependency (especially financial).

6. Anecdote: Dr. Laura’s Own Parenting Experience

• Shares a personal story of her son biking to school and learning from a minor mishap—the importance of allowing small failures so children learn to manage risk and consequences.

  “He wasn’t riding fast… he ran into the bumper of the car. Nobody got hurt… From now on, I could see he was looking up.” (09:37)

  • Emphasizes supervised autonomy as a pathway to true independence.

7. Hard Truth: Parental Failure Defined

• Dr. Laura doesn’t mince words about the consequences of overparenting:

  “If they need you forever, you have failed as a parent. You have failed as a parent if for the rest of their lives they need you.” (08:36 and 10:29)

• Celebrates when adult children only call for occasional advice or to share love, not for money or everyday problems.

8. Final Message

• “You have the responsibility of teaching your kids the things they need to know to be independent and then let them be. That’s your job as a parent. You don’t let go, you’re a bad parent. That’s it. I’m just going to say it.” (10:36)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the end goal of parenting:

  “You’re supposed to raise them to leave you, not need you, like to talk to you, like to come over for dinner like somebody they respect.” (02:11, Dr. Laura)

• On parental anxiety:

  “What if something bad happens? Wouldn’t I have failed as a father? Isn’t it my job to protect her? It’s tough, I know.” (03:23, quoting the Good Men Project article)

• On learning through experience:

  “You teach them how to handle situations and then give them the opportunity to fail, succeed, and do it.” (08:13)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:01 – 02:30: Introduction; Anna Freud’s quote and episode theme
• 03:00 – 05:00: Discussion of parental need vs. child independence, referencing Goodmenproject.com
• 07:18 – 09:15: Dr. Laura’s parenting anecdote about her son biking
• 10:26 – 11:40: The importance of letting go, final thoughts on parental responsibility

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Additional Context

• Dr. Laura explicitly calls out “mothers of adult children,” urging them to reevaluate their approach to parenting adult offspring.
• Encourages parents to distinguish between their child coming to them for support and for affection, emphasizing the importance of the latter in healthy adult relationships.

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Summary Takeaway

This episode delivers a clear, tough-love message: True parental success is measured not by how much one’s children need them, but by how well they’ve prepared their children to thrive independently. Dr. Laura insists that letting go isn’t a loss of love, but a requirement of mature and respectful relationships within families.

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Transcript

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Think about your friends. Do you need them the way a child needs a caregiver? No. Need them because of the mutual love you share. It's the same for our adult children. If anything, we want them to need us, but not for money, not for daily support, but for the kind of parental love only we can give. And just as much we want to need them for the filial love only they can offer us. Nothing more, nothing less. So you teach them how to handle situations and then give them the opportunity to fail, succeed and do it. They need you forever. You have failed as a parent. You have failed as a parent. If for the rest of their lives they need you. I remember we lived in a neighborhood at one time in the San Fernando Valley, and the school was just a handful of blocks away. Nonetheless, this is all in a relatively gated community. Nonetheless, people didn't walk their kids to school. By and large, they drove their kids to school. I always thought that was a scream. You can walk this. Well, my son decided he wanted to ride his bike because there were other kids riding their bikes to school. And with all the cars going, I had a bit of a internal fit about this. So this is how this worked. He got on his bike and his dad waited. When he was far enough away that he wouldn't turn around and see, followed him. This went on for a while to see if he was riding his bike properly. You could see if he was looking left and right when he got to any particular corner. We observed what we hoped was a child who had learned. And it worked out, except for one time early on, cars parked by this sidewalk and he's looking down at his front wheel. I kept teaching him, you look up, you do not look at your wheel. You look up. Because things that could get in your way are up there, not down here. Okay, look up. And he didn't. But he wasn't riding fast. He was a little kid on one of those little bikes and he wasn't riding fast. And so he ran into the bumper of the car. Nobody got hurt. He didn't even fall off the bike. And for that one. I was there and I just waited to see if there was any problem, you know. But rubber on a little kid's bike did no damage to him or the car. And he stood there for a while and then walked his bike around the car. And from now on, I could see he was looking up. So this is what you have to do so they don't need you. When they call you now and then with a philosophical problem, a relationship problem, a money problem, and they ask for your input, that's great. If they're asking for money, that's not great. Should have taught them how to deal with that already. So you have the responsibility of teaching your kids the things they need to know, to be independent and then let them be. That's your job as a parent. You don't let go. You're a bad parent. That's it. I'm just going to say it. My number 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course. I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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