646: Johnny Pemberton

Summary

Podcast Summary: Duncan Trussell Family Hour | Episode 646: Johnny Pemberton

Release Date: November 2, 2024

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1. Introduction and Technical Hiccups [00:00 - 03:03]

The episode kicks off with Duncan Trussell extending Halloween greetings, followed by a humorous and chaotic introduction of his guest, Johnny Pemberton. Duncan attempts to highlight Johnny's achievements, including his roles in "Superstore" and "Fallout," as well as their collaborative side podcast, "The Leather Rose." However, technical difficulties plague the initial recording phase, with both hosts grappling with audio issues and distractions, setting a lighthearted and imperfect tone for the episode.

Notable Quote:

• Duncan Trussell [00:00]: "Happy Halloween."

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2. Transition to In-Person Recording [03:44 - 10:22]

Duncan and Johnny discuss the significance of recording the podcast in person, a departure from their usual remote setup. This shift marks a "monumental" moment for both, emphasizing the importance of face-to-face interactions after a period dominated by virtual recordings due to the pandemic.

Notable Quote:

• Johnny Pemberton [03:47]: "Man, Duncan, this is crazy to have you in person."

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3. Shared Memories and Haunted House Anecdote [10:22 - 21:58]

The conversation delves into past experiences, notably a harrowing visit to an extreme haunted house in LA where clowns unexpectedly attacked them. Duncan expresses regret over bringing Johnny to such a distressing event, highlighting the unpredictability and intensity of their adventures together.

Notable Quote:

• Johnny Pemberton [20:31]: "We did not get into the door and clowns came out and they fucking beat the shit out."

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4. Exploring Social Media and Digital Culture [31:02 - 43:27]

Duncan and Johnny engage in a satirical discussion about the detrimental effects of social media, likening it to a "diaper mine" filled with undesirable content. They critique how algorithms perpetuate exposure to low-quality material, leading to a desensitization and eventual normalization of questionable content. The analogy underscores concerns about digital addiction and the erosion of meaningful interactions.

Notable Quote:

• Johnny Pemberton [40:29]: "Social media is a diaper mine. It is the fouled, you know, it's the fouled undergarments of psychopaths."

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5. Tarot Card Reading and AI Interaction [58:29 - 77:34]

In an experimental segment, Duncan and Johnny attempt a tarot card reading using standard tarot procedures but humorously veer into absurdity. They also interact with an AI (denoted as "C") to generate poetic content, reflecting on the intersection of human creativity and artificial intelligence. This segment highlights the playful yet contemplative nature of their conversation, blending mysticism with modern technology.

Notable Quote:

• Johnny Pemberton [75:03]: "In the voice of T.S. Eliot, can you write a very short poem about an animal control officer who comes to euthanize a monkey, falls in love with it and then marries it?"

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6. Advertising Interruptions [Multiple Timestamps]

Throughout the episode, several advertisements interject, promoting products and services ranging from Load Boost supplements to Squarespace website building. These segments provide a comedic contrast to the otherwise spontaneous and unstructured flow of the conversation.

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7. Deep Dive into AI Ethics and Loneliness [74:06 - 91:36]

The hosts engage in a philosophical discourse on the ethical implications of artificial intelligence, particularly concerning companionship and emotional bonds. They express apprehensions about forming attachments to AI entities, likening it to unhealthy relationships and societal issues such as loneliness. The conversation touches on the potential for AI to influence human behavior and the blurring lines between technology and genuine human connection.

Notable Quote:

• Johnny Pemberton [84:03]: "We are social creatures. We bond with things that seem like us easily. Too easily."

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8. Concluding Reflections and Final Ads [92:00 - End]

As the episode winds down, Duncan and Johnny reflect on the day's discussions, emphasizing the blend of humor and serious introspection that characterizes their interactions. They also mention upcoming performances and encourage listeners to engage with their content across various platforms. The episode concludes with more advertising spots, maintaining the eclectic mix of content typical to the Duncan Trussell Family Hour.

Notable Quote:

• Johnny Pemberton [97:48]: "We'll put it on the bottom if you can't."

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Final Thoughts

Episode 646 of the Duncan Trussell Family Hour featuring Johnny Pemberton is a rich tapestry of humor, personal anecdotes, philosophical debates, and experimental segments. The hosts navigate through technical mishaps, reminisce about shared experiences, and critically analyze the impact of digital culture and AI on human relationships. Their chemistry and candid dialogue offer listeners an engaging and thought-provoking experience, all while maintaining the signature whimsical and irreverent tone of the show.

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For those interested in exploring more, check out Johnny Pemberton's work and the collaborative side podcast "The Leather Rose" through the provided links in the episode's comments section.

Transcript

[Duncan Trussell]

Happy Halloween.

[Johnny Pemberton]

It's here. This is the witching hour. I'm sure many of you are out there doing your satanic rituals on this hell day, but I hope that you could take a break from drinking that sacrificial blood, from anointing your rubies of darkness to enjoy this incredible episode of the DTFH with my dearest friend, Johnny Pemberton. Now, most of you know Joanie. That's what I call him. Most of you know Johnny from his show, Superstore, or most recently, fucking Fallout. Are you kidding me? The most popular show ever, and rightfully so. And Johnny fucking killed it. And so if you haven't seen him in Fallout yet, please watch like he is not only a brilliantly funny comedian, he's also a really good actor. More importantly than that, though, he is my co host on a side podcast I've been doing for a while called the Leather Rose. If you look in the whatever's down there, or if you're listening to this and go to the comments section, you can find a link to that podcast. I won't bore you with details about it. But now, everybody, welcome to the dtfh. Johnny B.

[Duncan Trussell]

Am I airplane? The Bluetooth is still on, but I have to get this. Oh, one second, one second here, one second. Hey. Yeah, no, I've been doing. It's 250 milligrams twice a day. That's for the dog. Yep. I think you can probably give it to her once. That's what they said. Okay, we're about to. We're about to record. Okay.

[Johnny Pemberton]

No, hang on, man. You don't have to get off.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, I just. Wait. Weird. I just dropped. I'll just drop.

[Johnny Pemberton]

God damn it. Is that a soundboard?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, I got this at the grocery store. It's pretty fun.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Hold on. Save it for the podcast. Can I use your pin?

[Duncan Trussell]

I wish I had a hell. Like an external, like a breakout. You could probably solder that. Right. I gotta put these away because, you see, I got this replacement case for these. I hold it.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Save it for the podcast.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, well, I got this replacement.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Just hold. Save it for the save. That's good. That's a great thing to start on.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's Chinese, though.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Well, we'll. We'll censor that out.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Okay.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. Oh, that's a tarot deck. This one's freaked me out.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Save it for the podcast.

[Duncan Trussell]

You know, I travel with two hats. I tell you that.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Dude, that is. Save that.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay, you're right. Sorry. Okay, I've got two. I've got them both here, so I can. I can break them out.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Okay. Osprey justification. All right, go ahead. Let's start.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Johnny. Welcome to ttfh. Man, Duncan, this is. It's crazy to have you in person.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, it is.

[Johnny Pemberton]

This is a big moment if you think about it. Like, every podcast that we have done has been remote.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, my God. I didn't think about that.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah, I think about it.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. Every single one has been audio only up until this bright moment.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Exactly.

[Duncan Trussell]

Glad you made the switch.

[Johnny Pemberton]

So, dude, let's try that one more time. Okay, you're off. Look at the. Read the line again that I gave you. Did you.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, right, right, right, right. Yeah, hold on.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Can we hit that just a little better?

[Duncan Trussell]

There's a way.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I mean. Okay, let's try it again.

[Duncan Trussell]

Sort of like hidden. When the guys.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Let's start. I rent the place. I don't mean to be a dick, but it does. It's.

[Duncan Trussell]

Can you give me. Can you give me a count?

[Johnny Pemberton]

You know, this. I rent this per minute.

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, isn't everything per minute if you.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Okay, but no, it's diff. No, everything is technically per minute, but it's like, it's. There's a hole the minute. Like, basically the minute stack. Okay, so, like, in other words, it's like compound interest.

[Duncan Trussell]

So it's like a balloon payment.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yes, it's a balloon payment, and it ends up getting kind of expensive.

[Duncan Trussell]

There's a way.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Okay, but let's just do the thing, man. We could do small talk after. Okay, do it, please. I gotta get back to my kids.

[Duncan Trussell]

I'm ready.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Okay. I don't mean to get dick. It's very.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, sorry.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Johnny. Duncan, it is so good to see you. This is kind of like a monumental moment.

[Duncan Trussell]

There is a way. This is monumental when you consider.

[Johnny Pemberton]

God damn it. Really?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Are you fucking with me? Like, I don't get to be. You know, this isn't Amazon. I'm not making Fallout. I don't have an infinite budget, so I know you're probably used to fancy sets and, like, infinite budget and stuff, but I don't have that. So if you're. Don't with me with the acting. Let's just do.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay, I'm ready.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Can we just do it this. This time?

[Duncan Trussell]

Let's do it.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Do you need to look at the screen?

[Duncan Trussell]

I got it. Hold on. Yeah, there's only. Yeah.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Okay. Yeah, all.

[Duncan Trussell]

Do you want me to start with that?

[Johnny Pemberton]

You could just say action, Josh. Just tell us when to go. Action.

[Duncan Trussell]

There's A way.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Dude, dude, I.

[Duncan Trussell]

You want to say we practiced this.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Last night on the fucking phone, man.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay. You know, I'm just going to say action, please. I'll just go.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Okay. Look. Nope. Stop. Cut. Right? That's what they say to your actors, to stop. Cut.

[Duncan Trussell]

Sometimes they don't.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Sometimes they don't cut. Johnny, dude, it is so good to see you. This is kind of a monumental event when you consider that we have been doing remote podcasts now pretty much since the pandemic, and it's incredible to have you here in person. It's incredible to have you here in person. It's incredible to have you here in person.

[Duncan Trussell]

There's a way that this will work out forever. I think. We're just. There's a. You want to look at it?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah, look at.

[Duncan Trussell]

You take it. You tell me. You tell me. You know what?

[Johnny Pemberton]

I gave you the wrong sheet.

[Duncan Trussell]

See, See? I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.

[Johnny Pemberton]

That was a good line. That was good. I'm so sorry, dude.

[Duncan Trussell]

I mean, I don't mind a line read.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Hold on. Just go ahead and just cut for a second, Jade. Great.

[Duncan Trussell]

I'm looking forward to Christmas, I'll tell you that much.

[Johnny Pemberton]

This great to be here. I am so happy to do the dtfh.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Live in the sense. Live in the sense. Live in the Sense. That. That we aren't doing. Doing a remote podcast. As in. As in.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's what I was saying. I was telling myself.

[Johnny Pemberton]

As in Zoom Riverside or the various.

[Duncan Trussell]

Skeleton works. I just started using them. They're great.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Various methods. People record remote podcasts. Okay, cool. And I'll put your name, because it's your line, Johnny. Okay, Here you go.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay. If you could not fold it, that would be the best for me.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I thought you guys liked it folded.

[Duncan Trussell]

No, no. What do you mean, you guys?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Come on now, actors. I just saw this whole documentary on Nic Cage and, like, they have to fold every page of the script to each and give it to them.

[Duncan Trussell]

To each of themselves shall be judged by that which they do.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Who said that?

[Duncan Trussell]

That's amazing.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Is that Kamala Harris?

[Duncan Trussell]

No, it's Timothy Chalamec.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I love him.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. Okay.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Okay. Josh is say action. We'll get this podcast on the road. All right. Action, Johnny. It's so good. Can we do that again?

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay. I thought you did a great job.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Say, actually get Josh. Let's do this. Action. It is so gross. Fuck. Fuck.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's so great to be here. I'm so happy that the GTA's live. I'm sorry, in the sense that we weren't. That we aren't doing a remote podcast, Zoom or Riverside or.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Okay, let's say Action again, not just people.

[Duncan Trussell]

Who's Action?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Johnny, it is so great to have you back in the studio. It is so great to have you back in the studio again, man. Like, this is the first live podcast that we have done in, I don't know, since the pandemic, and it's crazy to have you here in person.

[Duncan Trussell]

Duncan, it's great to be here. So happy to be on the DTFH live. In the sense that, you know, we're doing it as a remote podcast, not in Zoom or Riverside or the various other methods people use to record podcasts. It's great.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Why are you saying. You could have just said you're happy to be on the show. Why did you say all that weird shit?

[Duncan Trussell]

You know, I just felt it was necessary to set up.

[Johnny Pemberton]

That's crazy.

[Duncan Trussell]

To frame it. To frame everything.

[Johnny Pemberton]

What the fuck, dude? That's a really weird way to say that to me. What do you mean? The various. What?

[Duncan Trussell]

I thought that was weird too, but it's just.

[Johnny Pemberton]

You said it.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, I'm having regrets.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Me too. Well, I mean, man.

[Duncan Trussell]

Hey, cheers.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Cheers to that. So you are out there in Los Angeles, and LA is one of the biggest cities, Earth. Now, this is what I. This is what I. Lots of buildings, lots of people. Traffic, sunrises that are spectacular, sunsets that are spectacular. Tell me, of all the things in Los Angeles, which one would you take to a desert island with you? If you could only peel away one thing and you got sent to a desert island, what part of Los Angeles would you take to a desert island?

[Duncan Trussell]

So it has to be one single thing.

[Johnny Pemberton]

You can only take one thing. You could take the people, you could take the ocean. You wouldn't need to take the ocean.

[Duncan Trussell]

Because there's an ocean.

[Johnny Pemberton]

But I guess you could replace the ocean with LA's ocean.

[Duncan Trussell]

What if I could take the city of Burbank with me? Okay, I'll do that. I just have the city of Burbank be there.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Okay, but how do you fit it on the island?

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, it's. Islands are.

[Johnny Pemberton]

This island is like. How big is a city block?

[Duncan Trussell]

A city block?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's tiny.

[Johnny Pemberton]

So how would you even do that? And how would you get the. How would you move Burbank?

[Duncan Trussell]

I would move just my house.

[Johnny Pemberton]

How?

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, this is. I thought this was hypothetical.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah, but I mean, how would you do it?

[Duncan Trussell]

I'd hire a moving company to move.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Your house to a desert island and have it cut.

[Duncan Trussell]

Have the house cut into maybe six pieces that are easy to reassemble. Maybe just the rooms have cut into different rooms. Yeah, and I'd have it airlifted.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Airlift?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, one of those big.

[Johnny Pemberton]

How do you afford that with, like.

[Duncan Trussell]

Some sort of back. Some dark money to the military?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Where would you get that?

[Duncan Trussell]

Probably through selling fentanyl from China.

[Johnny Pemberton]

So how are you going to source that Fentanyl? Like, how do you even do that?

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, you know, I know a guy that's illegal.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I know a guy that's really bad.

[Duncan Trussell]

It is bad. But we're talking hypothetically what I would.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Do, and if I. I'm talking not hypothetically. You sound like an asshole. Like, you're gonna fucking take fentanyl from China so you could cut your house into pieces and airlift it to a desert island?

[Duncan Trussell]

If I gotta do that, I gotta do it, dude. I gotta do what I gotta do.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Why did you say Burbank?

[Duncan Trussell]

Cause it's where I live.

[Johnny Pemberton]

People would die. Is that some kind of shitty hurricane joke? Like, what are you doing?

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, it is kind of. I didn't think about it. It's kind of a hurricane joke.

[Johnny Pemberton]

So you would just fucking cut your house up through fentanyl money? And how are you going to sleep at night on that desert island? Also, what are you going to do about the workers?

[Duncan Trussell]

What workers?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Who's going to reassemble the house?

[Duncan Trussell]

I would do that. How? I passed the time.

[Johnny Pemberton]

You didn't say tools.

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, there's tools in the house.

[Johnny Pemberton]

You don't have tools to rebuild a house in your house. I've been to your house.

[Duncan Trussell]

All I need is a hammer, some string, and a couple of, okay, pegs of wood.

[Johnny Pemberton]

All right, well, I don't know how you're gonna sleep even if you do get your dumb house built on the island. People are dying.

[Duncan Trussell]

Suck it. Suck it already. Just fully suck it.

[Johnny Pemberton]

You know, I'm sorry, dude. I didn't mean. I think we're okay.

[Duncan Trussell]

I'm sorry I said that. But sometimes you gotta break clean to move forward.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I'm sorry. So, dude, are you actually. I'm not sure how much you're allowed to talk about. Are you allowed? What are you working on right now?

[Duncan Trussell]

Actually, literally nothing. I'm doing some writing, but I'm not working on anything else. I'm really not. And if it's something I can't talk about, I can't talk about it. But I think the thing you're thinking. I can't talk About? I don't have anything to say. Because I don't know anything. I really don't.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I'll tell you this.

[Duncan Trussell]

They make it easy.

[Johnny Pemberton]

So I'm going to try to talk about it by not talking about it.

[Duncan Trussell]

Sure.

[Johnny Pemberton]

There's a few things. When you told me what you were working on, that triggered some alarm bells in my own head, which is number one, because I looked up. Because you were telling me that you can actually get human. Anyone can get a cadaver, and that's how you got yours. So I was curious about that, because that seems crazy that anyone can order a dead body. And I looked that up, and it's.

[Duncan Trussell]

Like being a minister.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Okay. But that's not true. So that was you either. You. And when I texted you a bunch of times, can you send me the website that you ordered dead bodies from? You just. You kind of ghosted me.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's because I was writing you a letter. Because it has to be sent through the mail.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Why? It's a website. You could just give me the.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's a thing. It's like they have to send you the. It is a website. Yes. But you can't tell people about the website over electronic technology.

[Johnny Pemberton]

That makes sense, I guess.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. So you have to write it down with a pen.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I never got the letter, though.

[Duncan Trussell]

You didn't? No, I. No, I sent it.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Okay.

[Duncan Trussell]

I handed it to the male guy.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I don't. Here's the thing. I know we can't talk about this, right? But if there was a person trying to reanimate a body, and I've read a lot about this, like the Frankenstein story. We all know Frankenstein, but that was based on a time when people were not even allowed to operate on people. You weren't supposed to cut. You had to go to a graveyard. You procure a body by going to a graveyard, digging up a body, take it back to your lab, and even.

[Duncan Trussell]

Then, you take the best parts.

[Johnny Pemberton]

What are the best parts of a body?

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, you find a body. Let's say you find a body in the grave that you got. You want to. Maybe it's got a problem where it's right on. So you're like, we're not gonna use that part.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Right.

[Duncan Trussell]

Or use the best piece it's got. It's like, oh, it's all riddled with bug bites. Except for the left leg. It's real good. So you cut that off and you stitch it on. You make frank.

[Johnny Pemberton]

You make frank. And so that's. I mean, again, this is the kind of thing I Haven't really thought it through. But somebody who had been maybe trying, actively working on reanimating a dead body would say something like that.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, and they might say that, but also they might just be doing research into the idea of it might just, like, stories. Might be wanting to write a story for their niece or nephew.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Oh, that's something. How old would their niece be?

[Duncan Trussell]

It takes me a long time to write.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Okay.

[Duncan Trussell]

So I'm just getting starting the ball rolling, Right.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Because I know you have a niece. I think she's, what, three?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, she's not old enough yet.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Great story for a niece of any age, if you ask me.

[Duncan Trussell]

I'm just taking my time. I'm writing two days a year, and then when she's 19, I'm be able to send it to her.

[Johnny Pemberton]

So I guess, like, aside from the fact you lied to me about a website where you could order corpses.

[Duncan Trussell]

I didn't lie to you.

[Johnny Pemberton]

You lied to me. And you embarrassed me because I already told a bunch of my friends that we were gonna do ballistic testing on a real corpse. And I assumed that it would be like, Amazon and, you know, I could probably get, like, next day, but their website didn't even exist, so I had to bring a mannequin to a firing range that had stakes in it. And they knew right away it wasn't a dead body. And it was really embarrassing.

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, I'm sorry about that. A lot of times I write my number, my letter, M, and it looks like a different letter. That's probably what happened. And that's my fault. I should have typed it. I should have done something. I should have had someone check my.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Work, but I didn't, what would you do? And I'm not saying you're doing this, but if you could bring a corpse back to life that isn't an actual individual corpse, but a kind of horrific puzzle amalgam of, like, bunches of different parts.

[Duncan Trussell]

Definitely make it a dancer for, like, cruise ships. You know, someone who can like.

[Johnny Pemberton]

A dancer.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, a dancer. Because everyone loves dance.

[Johnny Pemberton]

No one wants to see some mutate, some horrible. I would say, like a corruption. Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

You cover it with a latex suit that's a colorful. Maybe like a harlequin pattern, you know, Imagine that.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Like a dining room. A dining hall at a nice cruise ship.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Okay.

[Duncan Trussell]

An elevated cruise ship. Okay. You know, just like, busting out.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Maybe doing, like, Michael Jackson style.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Like the moonwalk.

[Johnny Pemberton]

But how do you. How.

[Duncan Trussell]

Like this. You know, it's like he moves his head, not his Hand.

[Johnny Pemberton]

My kids would love that.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, kids love Michael Jackson.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Now, how would a person who was doing this kind of work bring a dead body back to life? Is it like in Frankenstein? Like, is it like Anne Frankenstein, where they shoot lightning down?

[Duncan Trussell]

It's. Okay, here's what I'll say. You know when they show drug stuff on tv, they show, like, pieces of it, but they always omit some key things. So they're not, like, teaching you. This is how you make meth at home, you know?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Or this is how.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Wait, no, no, no. I'm not talking about Frankenstein. I said, is it like, Ann Frankenstein. Have you read that? No one knows about that. Everyone knows about Frankenstein. Ann Frankenstein was like, the next, like, Dr. Frankenstein decided, like, maybe if I bring a lady back to life.

[Duncan Trussell]

I haven't read it.

[Johnny Pemberton]

It's amazing. Well, it's also, like, it's a little scarier than Frankenstein, but it's still.

[Duncan Trussell]

I like. I like scary.

[Johnny Pemberton]

You would love it.

[Duncan Trussell]

I'm crazy. I like scary.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I know you do. You go to Horror Cons, which is nuts to me. And the other thing that's crazy. Remember that time in LA when you took me to that, quote, haunted house? Do you remember that? I thought it was like a Halloween haunted house.

[Duncan Trussell]

I sort of do.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Wait, you don't remember that?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, I guess I do.

[Johnny Pemberton]

You remember that? Yeah, and those clowns beat the shit out of me.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, I'm sorry. I mean, I guess I kind of.

[Johnny Pemberton]

It wasn't even. Like, we didn't even get into the door and clowns came out and they fucking beat the shit out.

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, I forgot it was a Thursday. Okay, so the Thursdays is when they do that. They do that thing that's when you're supposed to show up if you want to join the. Join the clown.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I didn't like it, you know?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, I didn't like. How do you think I felt about it?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Well, you brought me.

[Duncan Trussell]

I know. I was responsible.

[Johnny Pemberton]

You were laughing because it's clowns.

[Duncan Trussell]

They're funny.

[Johnny Pemberton]

No, they're not. They had fucking brass knuckles, dude. I had to get.

[Duncan Trussell]

I thought it was theater. I thought it was a thing where you were. You were. I thought you were doing it to me. I thought you were. You were punking me, as so to.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Say you took me to the house. How would I punk you like that?

[Duncan Trussell]

Because that's the ultimate punk, is to think that. Oh, come on, man. If you. If you trick someone else into bringing you to a place that you know about, talk about pulling the wool over the Sheep's eyes.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Right?

[Duncan Trussell]

That's pulling the.

[Johnny Pemberton]

That's pulling the wool over the sheep's eyes.

[Duncan Trussell]

Exactly. Because the sheep has the wool on its body. So the last thing the sheep is expecting is to have the wool pulled over its eyes. It's like, oh, this is on me. And you can't fool the fooler.

[Johnny Pemberton]

No.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Can we. Do you. You know I do. I want to show people some of the stuff Johnny's into so you can bring it up. Can you pull up Extreme Haunted House? So this is. This is one of the things I know people don't know about you. So Johnny not only is an incredible actor and an incredible comedian, but also he goes to all these very, like, hardcore haunted houses.

[Duncan Trussell]

McKinney Manor.

[Johnny Pemberton]

What's that one?

[Duncan Trussell]

It's this one in San Diego. It's really.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Can you pull this shit?

[Duncan Trussell]

I think it's actually gone. McKinney Manor is done for because it's so extreme that kind of, like, it got shut.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Oh, yeah, that's McKinney Manor. Look at this shit.

[Duncan Trussell]

McCamey Manor, I thought was McKinney.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Look at this. That doesn't look fun to me at all, dude.

[Duncan Trussell]

McCamey Manor is basically for people who have severe PTSD and want to get, like, re. Abused, essentially.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I think.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's not for. It's not for normal people.

[Johnny Pemberton]

This looks terrible. Can you.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Johnny Pemberton]

What is the. So at some point, it's not like, you know, the idea is I go to a haunted house, like an idiot with a chainsaw with no blade chases me.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Johnny Pemberton]

And then I get out and I'm. The whole time I'm just thinking, like, do I. I don't want to be here. The people with the snappers and they scrape their feet on the ground.

[Duncan Trussell]

The sliders with the sliders. Sparks flying.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah. But then at some point, it becomes like an actual sociopathic family has just figured out a way to get people to pay money to get tortured.

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, I mean, the thing is, the people who are going there, they really want to be there. They really do. They truly. It got shut down not because of anything that happened to any of the people who were guests. It got shut down because, like, the community response to it was, we don't want this in our neighborhood. Cause it was a house in a neighborhood. And this guy was doing all this stuff. He had a. You have to sign, like, an NDA. An NDA, not an NDA. I just said that reflexively. But you have to sign, like, a thing where that's.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Cause you live in la.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, if you're. Cause think about it, whenever you say NDA.

[Johnny Pemberton]

No. Okay. I bet you sign a bunch of NDAs, don't you?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. I'll talk about Puff Lex later. Sorry, sorry. Diddy.

[Johnny Pemberton]

You fucking laugh at me. Diddy. You do look like Justin Bieber a little bit.

[Duncan Trussell]

No, I'm talking about Diddy, not Bieber. Diddy.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I know you're talking about.

[Duncan Trussell]

You're confusing Usher with Diddy.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I'm not. I would not. I don't. Are you fucking kidding me?

[Duncan Trussell]

You fucking do.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I love Ursha.

[Duncan Trussell]

Are you fucking ditting me? Dude, you know that joke I used to have about Diddy?

[Johnny Pemberton]

What?

[Duncan Trussell]

I used to do, like an impression of him, like years ago.

[Johnny Pemberton]

What?

[Duncan Trussell]

I would ha. I would rap over a song. It was like really dumb lyrics and stuff.

[Johnny Pemberton]

What's the impression?

[Duncan Trussell]

It's just that if I do it now, it won't really work.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Can we pull up something, by the way? I saw Johnny. I saw you. You were in. I saw you on TV last night.

[Duncan Trussell]

No, you didn't.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yes, I did. You were in. God, Josh. What's that show about Tracker? You were in Tracker? Can you Google Tracker hostage scene.

[Duncan Trussell]

Track. Isn't this the most popular show on TV right now?

[Johnny Pemberton]

It's incredible. It's one of the best shows ever. From last. It's from last night, so we might not be able to find it. Go images. Tracker, Tracker hostage scene. There's probably a lot of hostage scenes in Tracker.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, that's me with the. No, that's.

[Johnny Pemberton]

No, Dude, Tracker, Hostage scene, man. This is from. This is from last night, so they might not have it up. Should I start watching that Tracker hostage scene kid? Well, the thing. Anyway, Johnny played.

[Duncan Trussell]

I wouldn't. Don't spoil it.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Okay. But it was intense. The scene was intense. Tracker is like one of the greatest shows that was ever made. For sure. Like, it is.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's frickin sick.

[Johnny Pemberton]

It's sick.

[Duncan Trussell]

Frickin badassly sick.

[Johnny Pemberton]

And I love it. Not just because, like, Tracker is a badass and like, let me tell you something. You better hope Tracker doesn't, like, get on your trail, because he will.

[Duncan Trussell]

No, I mean, his name is Tracker.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Can we pull up your YouTube clip of Tracker? I don't know how much of this I could show. I'm still confused by this. But let's just watch a little Tracker for folks out there who haven't seen Tracker. You got to check.

[Duncan Trussell]

Maybe it's like a trailer. We go, tracker trailer, tracker trailer.

[Johnny Pemberton]

We can watch Tracker trailer.

[Duncan Trussell]

Tracker trailer.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah, let's watch a trailer from Tracker. Oh, yeah, here we go.

[Duncan Trussell]

I'm sure you can watch a trailer. Oh, you got it. You got to.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah, it's an ad.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, you can. You can get around those.

[Johnny Pemberton]

How?

[Duncan Trussell]

You just pay for YouTube.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Okay, Hollywood, I'll add it to your minutes. Come on, man. Wow. You know what? I don't care if people judge me for this wonderful sponsor because it's magic. And you know, anybody out there who has gooned to prawn and has seen the explosions of life fluid erupting from these powerful men has probably thought to yourself, what's going on with me? Why isn't this happening? Especially if you're me. What's going on? What's with this drizzle of life? How come I am not a volcano? I want to blow up, baby. A beautiful volcano of life. That could be you. And it could definitely be you. Thanks to Load Boost produced by VB Health. Now, when they reached out to me, I told them, you're going to have to send it because honestly, I'd heard about this stuff before and I've had my doubts. How could this actually work? There's no way that anything is going to get my sweet punk of pumping this whole body one ball. I had ball cancer. Not working with a lot down there, friends. This inkwell's dry, but wow. You know, honestly, wow. It. It's pretty wild, man. I mean, it brought me back to high school, you know, it's just like, this is crazy. This is crazy. This is a mess. Like, I have now. Like, it's a mess. This is a cleanup situation now. And that's what you're gonna get. I tried it for you. Apparently it makes your semen taste better. I have yet to try that, but supposedly it changes the taste in the comments. You can let me know if that actually happens. Happy to send you my jizz. It's a blend of pygmy zinc and electathan that does this. And it worked on me. Visit loadboost.com use code duncan for 10% off or click the link in the episode description. That's loadboost.com use code Duncan for 10% off. Why not Carpet? Damn, you're not here that long. Why not have a few wonderful big blasters before you merge with the void? Thank you. Load Boost.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's what you're supposed to tell someone.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Okay, stop there. Can you go back again? I wanted to show you something.

[Duncan Trussell]

You're always supposed to do that, you know that.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Tell someone they have a great name.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yes.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Go Back and look at how close Trick in the book, he did not need to get his face that close. Look at this shit. You don't need to be that close.

[Duncan Trussell]

He's smelling her breath. He said, my name is Ann Coulter, by the way.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Can you stop it?

[Duncan Trussell]

My name's Ann Coulter, by the way. He just said that. My name's Ann Coulter, by the way.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Ann Coulter, by the way.

[Duncan Trussell]

My name's Ann Coulter, by the way.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Like now this is to me the beginning of a great horror movie. Because she doesn't know what happened to her before that.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Johnny Pemberton]

And the guy who fucked her up wakes her up and says he's gonna help her get out of the.

[Duncan Trussell]

Ooh, you should have a haunted house.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I would never do that.

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, you just thought about it, so I guess you would.

[Johnny Pemberton]

My family does not celebrate Halloween.

[Duncan Trussell]

You don't have to have Halloween. Halloween is just an excuse to have that thing. It's like anything, it's just an excuse to. What's Valentine's Day? It's an excuse by big card to sell.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I agree with that. My family does not celebrate Valentine's Day.

[Duncan Trussell]

Your family doesn't celebrate anything.

[Johnny Pemberton]

We do not celebrate Halloween.

[Duncan Trussell]

You don't celebrate period.

[Johnny Pemberton]

We celebrate. We definitely celebrate, but we don't celebrate Halloween.

[Duncan Trussell]

What do you guys do? Do you guys do Diwali?

[Johnny Pemberton]

We don't do Diwali. We don't. I don't know what that is.

[Duncan Trussell]

What about Pac Man's brunch?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Don't do that. My family does not celebrate Pac Man's brunch.

[Duncan Trussell]

We can't do Pac Man's brunch anymore.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Why?

[Duncan Trussell]

Cuz something happened with my brother in law last year.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Can you talk about it?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, he ate a bunch of metal. He didn't know it was metal because he'd been watching that show. Is it cake? And he thought everything was cake because he was having an episode. So.

[Johnny Pemberton]

So do you know how many people across the country have been put into intensive care because of that show? Is it cake? Do you know the stat?

[Duncan Trussell]

It's. I don't know what the stat is, but I know it's.

[Johnny Pemberton]

It's 600.

[Duncan Trussell]

Wow.

[Johnny Pemberton]

600 people like. And to the point where like the emergency rooms across the country are saying they're not going to accept people who come in there because they ate like a shoe or they ate like a toothbrush or whatever. Because it's in. Like to me it's crazy. I've watched the show and a lot of times you cannot tell if it's Cake or not. But if I'm at my house, I've.

[Duncan Trussell]

Never been able to tell if it's cake.

[Johnny Pemberton]

But if I'm in my house and I don't know, like, I see my PlayStation, I'm not going to think, I wonder if someone came in and, like, switched my PlayStation with a cake.

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, if it's your birthday, you better look out.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Well, maybe on my birthday, but, I mean, dude, the idea that people. Guys, you guys got to stop, man. This is dangerous. Say that it's not cake if it's at your house and you don't live with a cake chef.

[Duncan Trussell]

You guys, it's not cake.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I promise you.

[Duncan Trussell]

You guys got to stop. You guys stop. We should say it together.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yes.

[Duncan Trussell]

Three, two. You guys gotta stop. Let's try that again.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah. Three, two, one. You guys gotta stop. You gotta stop.

[Duncan Trussell]

Stop. You guys got us. Please stop.

[Johnny Pemberton]

We are less than 30 days away from the election, and this is not the time to be eating couch cushions because you think it's cake. Thank you.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. Yes, definitely. So, okay, I'm here for my reading.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Now, these tarot cards, by the way, these are created by my friend Robert Ryan. Ooh, they're really incredible cards.

[Duncan Trussell]

We'll make some cards. Incredible.

[Johnny Pemberton]

The art.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, okay.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I mean, you know, like, big fan. Tarot is, like, so up for, like, interpretation. And so he took the standard Rider Waite deck and he combined it with. He combined it with Hindu symbols, Eastern symbols, and if it's fucking cool.

[Duncan Trussell]

Do you know how to do it?

[Johnny Pemberton]

No, I use ChatGPT. I'll show you. It's a trick.

[Duncan Trussell]

So you do it to yourself.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Well, yeah, or I'll have the kids do it.

[Duncan Trussell]

Is it. They all facing the right direction or does that matter?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah, they. You know, that's a good thing because my kids get into these things. Yeah, they're all facing the right direction. Here we go.

[Duncan Trussell]

That was easy.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Get out of the tarot cards, boy. Boy.

[Duncan Trussell]

You gotta give an iPad so they can get off the tarot cards. I know you don't. That's why I said that we don't do screens. I'm thinking about becoming non screen dude.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Me too.

[Duncan Trussell]

I want to do it. I want to try it. I think it'd be really hard, actually. It'd be so hard to do that. Except for maybe, like, watching movies. I think it'd be incredibly difficult to do that.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Well, okay, so you see the studies on.

[Duncan Trussell]

I actually don't know the studies, but, I mean, you have tell me. I want to know.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Okay, so like, it's, you know, once you get in the parenting algorithm on Instagram, it's just like, it's everywhere. So you realize there's essentially two genres of parenting advice, right? There's two main types. One is, like, the hardcore. Like, this is like somebody from Little Orphan Annie. It's. You know what I mean? It's like somebody who ran an orphanage in the 1800s teleports into present day and gives parenting advice like, tie their.

[Duncan Trussell]

Shoes with a zip tie so they don't fall off ever, until the end of the week.

[Johnny Pemberton]

It's almost like. It's like, is your child crying Good? Let them cry. They need to learn that life is hard. So that's a whole genre of, like, this hardcore. And then the other side is the.

[Duncan Trussell]

Polar opposite, which is so much care.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Which is like, you know, reading a question. Like, somebody wrote in and said that one of their sons tore the lips off of their younger son. Now, how to deal with that? I know your first reaction might be that you want to yell at your child for ripping the lips off of the other child. The lip. You have to think, what are they saying as they rip the lips off? To me, this makes me think that maybe they aren't being listened to and they feel like their brother is being listened to more. And so they're ripping the lips off as a symbol that they want to be heard. Instead of grounding them or punishing them, why not spend some time asking them what they want to say and then talk to them about how they shouldn't rip lips off of people?

[Duncan Trussell]

That's the opposite. End of the spectrum.

[Johnny Pemberton]

That's the opposite. But the screen thing, lots of research, of course, which is basically screens fuck up a kid's brain. Like kids when they're on screens all the time. There's a name for it. It's called digital soothing. So instead of learning how to relax, wind down, calm down.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, yes. They don't learn how to do it for themselves because they always have the. So it's like a crutch in a story.

[Johnny Pemberton]

It's a terrible crutch. And like, they. They just once you. And what's really, like Faustian about the screen situation is that there are so many times as a parent where you would like things to be quiet.

[Duncan Trussell]

Hell, yeah.

[Johnny Pemberton]

You might want to sit down and look at your phone. You. Whatever it is. And you know, if you turn the TV on, you're going to win some free time because they're going to be hypnotized by the screen bluey Bluey. And that's the other thing. There's like, there's content that's considered great, which is bluey. Then there's content that's just like, why don't you give your kids pcp? Like Minions. Minions will fuck you.

[Duncan Trussell]

Serious.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Don't show your kids Minions.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh my God. It's funny.

[Johnny Pemberton]

We fucked up and showed our kids Minions and for like it just ended. But for like weeks they would just do Minion talk. Yeah, I bet you do. But try, try hearing Minion talk when you're like trying to get them ready for school. Try your Minion talk. You're trying to get them to get their shoes on, right? You gotta get to school, you're gonna be happy.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's like fake, like sort of gibberish talking.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I didn't even know what it was because like I like, I have never watched Minions. But then I asked Aaron like, why is he talking like that? And she's like, oh, it's Minions. So whatever they watch gets. They suck it in and then they repeat it. And so basically the general advice is do not show your kids screen. And if you do, make it very limited. Now what I love about advice for kids is they act like they're a different species than us. They're like, you know, screens are fucking up your kids brains. But it's like not our brains, not the adult brain. Somehow our brains are different. When literally everything they're saying that the screens do to the kids, they're doing to adults. Adults don't do Minion talk. But sure as shit, people who've been on their screens all the time, they do talking points that they've picked up from TikTok or whatever the algorithm serving them. And then they become these parrots that are belching out some fashionable attitude that they picked up on fucking TikTok and it's invasion of the Body Snatchers.

[Duncan Trussell]

I think it also does a thing where it's the opposite of that, or maybe it's tangent to that, to where it files away your ability to think on your own because you're getting fed so much short form content that's just always like a replenish, like a well that's just constantly springing forth that you don't have to acquire anything that makes you be like, oh, you don't have to think about anything that you generate. And I feel like it's definitely been a detriment to like my any sort of creative process I have because there's times when I can remember every moment of maybe a 10 second video that I watched two weeks ago. I'm thinking, like, how do I remember that? That's so old, right? But like, that's taking up space. I don't have a lot of space in there. I mean, I've got a lot of space, but it's definitely using up some space that I would like to have back. But you can't get it back. That's the thing about, what really kills me about it is you just, you can never get some of that time. It's gone. It's gone like all time. But that time is definitely. But on the, on the other side, though, sometimes I'll watch like Instagram reels and I'll see somebody that I'm, I'm crying, laughing. Yeah, it's great, this thing and that, that feels so. I feel like laughing's never that bad. But what you have to do to get through that. Yeah, I don't know.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Well, I mean, it's like, imagine this, a diaper mine. Now a diaper mine, diaper mine.

[Duncan Trussell]

Are they dirty or dirty?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Okay, the mine is made of freshly soiled diapers, right? And so within that mine of freshly soiled diapers, there's a great joke. Now, you don't know exactly where it is. It's somewhere in there. But to get there, you're gonna have to burrow through diapers, you're going to have to go deep through diapers, you're going to have to go through a variety of diapers, child diapers, elderly diapers, all diapers. And then somewhere in there, after you're covered in like warm diaper shit and piss, you laugh. Was it worth it? Was it worth it burrowing into the diaper mine for a quick laugh? I don't think so. And I think this is what we are doing. I think it's safe to say at this point that social media is a diaper mine. It is the fouled, you know, it's the fouled undergarments of psychopaths. And they fouled it with their festering diarrhea data that is completely wrong. And if not wrong, twisted in some specifically horrible way. And yeah, every once in a while when you go through the diaper mine, you find something cool or funny or whatever.

[Duncan Trussell]

What about the fact that let's say the diaper mine, it's got a bunch of cameras, it's watching you and it sees how you go through the diapers and it's like, okay, we know this person doesn't want to sift through too many diapers.

[Johnny Pemberton]

So it's surveillance.

[Duncan Trussell]

So it makes a diaper appear frequently enough to keep you digging, keep you digging. And so you're not sifting through a ton of diapers, you're sifting through less diapers because they know if you don't, if you don't get a hit frequently enough, you're going to leave the mine, right?

[Johnny Pemberton]

If you don't find in there like a nice clean diaper like once every five diapers, and it gets so bad sometimes you're actually in the diaper mine excited. When you find like a hard stool in a diaper, you're like, just a hard stool is better than the malarial diarrhea that you've been burrowing through. And that, you know, that's the, that's where the bar is not being raised in social media, it's being lowered and lowered and lowered. Eventually you'll just be happy to find someone who is coherent, to find someone who isn't just rambling about like the things that live at the edge of time, you know, that's what it is. So. And because it's a diaper mine and you're in it like it's more than just that because you start getting used to the diapers and then pretty soon the diapers are normal. And then before you know it, you turn into a diaper, you're just another diaper in the mind. That's when you start uploading your fucking 30 minute sound bite about positivity or whatever. 30 second sound bite, 30 second sound bite about, you know, why you should be happy when it rains. And it's like, now you're a diaper, you're just another talking diaper in an infinite diaper mine that we've all gotten lost in and maybe there's no way out.

[Duncan Trussell]

But don't you have hope? Because we're talking about right now and I think a lot of younger kids are really, they're super aware of this and they have like a lot of, they reject it, they don't like it, they know what's going on. I'm sure there's a ton of them that are really into it. But it feels like, I don't know because I have this conversation enough with people that it feels like enough of us are aware. I don't know, it's that thing where like if you're a drug addict but you're aware that you're a drug addict, does that make you less of a drug addict?

[Johnny Pemberton]

I mean, they say that's the first.

[Duncan Trussell]

Step is awareness of It.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Right. But you know what happens then? The algorithm just starts serving you up reasons to not be on screen.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's what I can't stand is when it does that. Then I'm like, how insidious is that? It's telling you in the thing, like a way, hey, check out this app. New York Times actually loves this app. It's a great way to break. It's like, fuck you. Fucking go die. That's the worst thing of all. The worst thing is the thing where it's like, hey, check out. You know, it's like, ah, yeah, that's when I second I see that, I'm like, fucking. I gotta run away. Like, oh, yeah, it shit so much.

[Johnny Pemberton]

It's a deeply parasitic hell relationship that we all have with it. And because of it, we have gotten lost in the weeds in the world. Like, it's the. And like, if you sort of. This is what I've noticed about it. Just about every week there is a new horrible person that emerges from the diaper mine. So, like, so once a week, the vilest of diapers is drawn out by the algorithm. And then there is some kind of debate over how horrific this person is. So you see, like the lady in Asheville, there was some lady who posted a complaining TikTok. She's complaining because the Airbnb that she booked will not refund her. Refund her. Did you see that?

[Duncan Trussell]

I think I saw a video about it.

[Johnny Pemberton]

So that's okay, I'm aware of this. So here you get the primary, the pestilent diaper. So now it's not just that you get the pestilent diaper, it's that springing up around that diaper. Are people doing commentary on the.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, they're dunking on the person. They're like this fucking lady. Talk about a bitch. How dare you? People are suffering. They're getting views.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah, yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

This whole thing is everything. Every little spring that pops up has all this stuff that radiates around it to glom onto the thing. Oh, that's what I hate the most, is people are just like, let's dunk on this guy.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Dunk to me, if there. Let's just say you find a diaper in the streets, fully loaded diaper, fresh hot spray in that diaper, a combination of stool and piss, maybe a little blood.

[Duncan Trussell]

Fully loaded.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Fully loaded. The worst diaper. Like, at any given moment around the planet, there is one diaper that's probably the most disgusting at capacity. At capacity diaper. Now you find that diaper and you Sit down in front of the diaper and you start sifting through the contents of said diaper, extracting little bits, a piece of corn, some whatever. And you're holding it up and you're acting like you're not going through a diaper, like somehow because you aren't the one who made the diaper, you're better than the diaper. But if you are interacting with a diaper in any way other than to throw it in the trash, you are. You're a diaper man. You're just someone who likes to go through diapers. So this commentary on shitty people, you are also a shitty person.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh yeah. You're absolutely 100% linked to the thing you.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Which is exactly what we are right now.

[Duncan Trussell]

We are too.

[Johnny Pemberton]

We're going through the diaper.

[Duncan Trussell]

We're just two steps away instead of one step away.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Now we're looking at the person going through the diaper, holding up the things and being like, look at him going through the diaper. But we can still smell the waft, you know? So any participation on any level, you are complicit in the creation and sustaining the diaper mine period. And you and I are diaper miners like anybody else.

[Duncan Trussell]

Absolutely. I've, I've mined so many fully loaded pestilent diapers in the past, especially if I'm traveling. Oh, that's the worst.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Oh. Oh, dude, if you're traveling, you get lonely.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, anything, you just, you have time, you have time to kill, time to mine, you have time. You don't have like a pet around you or a spouse or a child or a friend.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

And you're around a bunch of people who are strangers. And that's. This is the new, this is the new posture in the world is this.

[Johnny Pemberton]

That is the. It's exactly.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's the posture of humanity now is just.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah, no, it's non participatory observational behavior where beings in some kind of invisible cultural zoo. You know what I mean? It's like, you see, you go to the zoo and you see.

[Duncan Trussell]

I don't go to the zoo, baby.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Well, you. I've been to a zoo, you know, man.

[Duncan Trussell]

We've been to a zoo.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah, well, yeah, you were born in a zoo.

[Duncan Trussell]

I was.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Oh.

[Duncan Trussell]

Brought to you by Dave's Pizza. Dave's Pizza with the most, the most. The thickest cut pepperoni that turns into little oil cups. Guaranteed Dave's Pizza Pizza. It's got three A's in Dave because it's triple A pizza, bitch.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah. Now with a special Roasted Pemberton.

[Duncan Trussell]

Roasted Pemberton Thanksgiving pizza. Your in laws are gonna suck your own.

[Johnny Pemberton]

But you were born. But you were born in a zoo.

[Duncan Trussell]

I was born into the zoo.

[Johnny Pemberton]

No, you were born in a zoo.

[Duncan Trussell]

I was born in a zoo. Yeah, I was. Should I just talk like this for the rest of my life?

[Johnny Pemberton]

But people do know you were born in a zoo.

[Duncan Trussell]

I was born in a zoo by a monkey family. Then I learned to walk upright. And I came to get Batman for the things he did to my great grandpa.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Do you. Let me ask you something.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Do you. Do you peel your bananas?

[Duncan Trussell]

I squeeze them until the essence shoots forth like a. Like jizzum from a dog?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah. I bet you do.

[Duncan Trussell]

I do. I diddly do. Indeedly diddly. Doggy dags.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Buckets. And bags and bags. And. What do you think about when people say scrumptious? Have you heard someone say scrumptious in real life?

[Johnny Pemberton]

I hope that isn't happening. Is that. How could you imagine.

[Duncan Trussell]

No, but I mean, it's one of those words where I've never seen someone say it in real life.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Oh, God.

[Duncan Trussell]

Could you imagine seeing someone say that?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Oh, dude.

[Duncan Trussell]

Scrumptious.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I feel like you were gonna make that happen now. I think you're gonna make. I think there's gonna be a wave of people being like, scrumptious.

[Duncan Trussell]

I want to see a bunch of organic scrump.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Scrump.

[Duncan Trussell]

Isn't this scrumptious? I wanna hear, like, you know, like a lady at a cafe in America say, scrumptious.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Scrumptious.

[Duncan Trussell]

This is scrumptious.

[Johnny Pemberton]

You know what it fucking. It sounds like the name of, like, one of those new full body deodorants. Have you seen these commercials for full body deodorants? Can you pull that up on YouTube? This is the. When you're out on the road and you see a full body deodorant fucking commercial, you. You really do. Like, you feel the earth wobble. You feel your sanity stretch thin. See if you can find full body. There we go. Is it for right there. Do secret whole body deodorant. Play that shit. That stinky. Stinky. No.

[Duncan Trussell]

Is it called. Is that a cologne?

[Johnny Pemberton]

She smells so bad. What fucking doctor. What the.

[Duncan Trussell]

What fucking doctor recommends that?

[Johnny Pemberton]

She sprayed her puss. Go back a doctor. Go back. She sprayed her stinky pussy.

[Duncan Trussell]

I don't believe that.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Look, look. Pits stink. This. She smells so bad.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's so 72 hours right there.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Go back. Freeze on that with that look. Yeah, my pussy stinks.

[Duncan Trussell]

72 hours is too long.

[Johnny Pemberton]

God. Jesus. Imagine going down on her, man. Or pussy smells like when you spray Lysol in the trash. It doesn't. Like. You know what I mean? Like, come on.

[Duncan Trussell]

I'm.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Stop.

[Duncan Trussell]

I think that all. Anything that has an artificial smell whatsoever, all that stuff, it's got to be carcinogenic, right? It's got to be anything where you're like, oh, yeah, Glade, plug in.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Oh, yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's like, oh, this is. This is not good.

[Johnny Pemberton]

You're just gonna trust whoever that. Like, you're gonna just trust that. That crazy fucking spray that you're blasting on your pussy. You're gonna trust that in a year, your pussy isn't gonna petrify. You're gonna wake up in the morning, it's gonna be like a turtle shell.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's like petrified wood. It's got all kinds of, like, heavy grains. You have to chip away at it with a knife.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Come on.

[Duncan Trussell]

Like an oyster shell.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Listen, if you're a whole. If your whole body stinks, then you need to go to a doctor, and the doctor is not going to say.

[Duncan Trussell]

I'm going to prescribe you some Dove whole body deodorant. Just spray this all over your body. In your ears, in your eyes, in your asshole. Definitely hit it twice in the asshole every 72 hours or so. 72 hours. Isn't that over two days?

[Johnny Pemberton]

It is 72 hours.

[Duncan Trussell]

Is that three days.

[Johnny Pemberton]

That's. That's almost three days of, like, being covered in a glaze of chemicals because something is wrong with you. Like, if your whole body stinks to the point where, like, you're. You've looked at your deodorant and you thought. You thought, maybe I'll just rub this all over my. I can't throw up.

[Duncan Trussell]

I like the smell of BO sometimes.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Me too.

[Duncan Trussell]

Even on a stranger.

[Johnny Pemberton]

What?

[Duncan Trussell]

Just like, you catch a little whiff, you know, because it's kind of like, well, this is real. It's a real smell. It's a real. It's like smelling. It's like smelling horseshit. I don't mind the smell of horseshit.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I don't know.

[Duncan Trussell]

Man or cow shit's better. Cow shit's kind of like. Smells kind of good, actually. I like the smell.

[Johnny Pemberton]

You want us to cut that out? I'll cut that out.

[Duncan Trussell]

I would say just cut it up and have it go bipap, bap, ba bap, ba bap, ba bap, ba ba bap. Like, you know, a half a minute old sniffy. I Like to smell cow shit. I like to smell cow shit. I like to smell cow shit. I like this. I like this. I like to smell the cow shit. Busted.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Watch out. When Johnny's around.

[Duncan Trussell]

Watch out. I'll be sniffing.

[Johnny Pemberton]

It is fucking. That's right. You don't like them spray, huh?

[Duncan Trussell]

You know, they call me. Oh, don't flush, jp. Hold on. Don't, don't. Hey, don't flush. Don't flush. I want to come sniff that. When's the last time you looked at a friend's shit? Have you looked at it? When's the last time? Dude, have you ever taken, like, a big old one? I have kids. Oh, so you see their big ones?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah, when you have kids, you know, they just don't flush sometimes. You see shit all the time.

[Duncan Trussell]

Have you ever seen a shit from one of your kids where, like, you can't believe it came out of them? It's so big. So, like, voluminous and large.

[Johnny Pemberton]

All right, let's cut to commercial. This episode of the DTFH has been supported by Uncommon Goods. Friends. What are you going to do? What are you giving away this holiday season? And forget the holidays? Maybe you just like to give gifts to people. Maybe you've been invited to a party. Maybe you just feel love for somebody and you want to symbolically represent that in the form of some kind of gift. So what are you going to give them? That's the question. The problem is, like, when you receive gifts from people, I don't care if you're a saint. I mean, you're just like, thank you. This is the sweetest thing ever. But some dark part of you is maybe thinking, like, really? A Starbucks gift card? I mean, it's awesome, but come on, man. You know I love books on Charles Manson. So this brings us to Uncommon Goods. This is an easy way for you to pick out super cool gifts for people. And let me tell you, man, I am so thrilled, so thrilled with. And this is one of just the many cool freaking things they have. And you know me, this is the kind of stuff I like. They also have, like, sophisticated cool stuff. But I'm telling you, man, this is like something. It's one of those things where, you know you want it. And a lot of things I think I want. I know it's probably out there because enough people want it, but this is very comforting and exciting to me because this is not something I thought more people would want. You can get a Bluetooth banana phone. You know how freaking cool that is. It Bluetooths into your phone and you can take calls on a banana. I've been doing the banana phone thing with my kids so long now that if I hand the baby the phone, she will say hello to. I mean, I'm sorry. If I. If I. And the baby. If I hand my banana a phone, it will answer it. If I hand my baby banana, my baby says hello like the old song. And just the idea that now I'm going to be blowing my kids minds when I actually call them on the banana. Like it's. We're talking about, like this is going to change everything because they're going to have to wonder like what other weird shit that dad does is actually real. And I can't wait for my banana phone. I'm so excited to receive this. And this is just one of the many cool things that you can find on uncommon goods. To get 15% off your next gift, go to UncommonGoods.com dunkin that's UncommonGoods.com dunkin for 15% off. Don't miss out on this limited time offer on common Goods. We're all out of the ordinary and we are back. So let's do our tarot.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay, I'm ready.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Okay, so here we go. Now you. Here's the idea.

[Duncan Trussell]

Pick a card, any card.

[Johnny Pemberton]

No, you are going to do it yourself. So you need to think about. You don't have to say your question. We're going to do a three card read. Past, present, future. We're not going to do the Celtic cross or whatever the fuck that is. Because actually we could, now that I think about it, because ChatGPT will analyze it, but it takes too long. For the sake of the podcast. We'll do a three card read. So you just think of something you're wondering about and shuffle the cards.

[Duncan Trussell]

So how specific does the question have to be?

[Johnny Pemberton]

You know, it can be as specific as you want. For example, a question. One of the questions could be like, why did I ask my best friend about his child's bowel movements? That would be a good question.

[Duncan Trussell]

You gotta understand it.

[Johnny Pemberton]

No, it would be a good question.

[Duncan Trussell]

I never have good bowel movements.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I don't know that. No, I say don't turn it back into whatever thing. You could ask it that.

[Duncan Trussell]

Can I ask you if the Vikings will win the NFC North?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Sure.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's kind of dumb. They're going to win it, so they're probably not going to win.

[Johnny Pemberton]

They're not going to win it.

[Duncan Trussell]

No, it's. The fucking Lions are really good.

[Johnny Pemberton]

No, the Lions are Going to fucking crush them.

[Duncan Trussell]

I know, I know.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Fucking kidding me.

[Duncan Trussell]

I know, dude. I know.

[Johnny Pemberton]

The Lions.

[Duncan Trussell]

I know.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Do you know what I've been. Everybody knows I've been saying the Lions roar because they.

[Duncan Trussell]

Guess what, Adrian, Aiden, whatever his name, Hutchinson got his fucking leg broke.

[Johnny Pemberton]

But I will tell you about this. I will tell you about this. About Hutchinson. Hutchinson last year predicted that he was going to have a leg injury. Do you know about this? You got to look it up.

[Duncan Trussell]

Was it a tarot?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Oh, okay, I get it. He was on a fucking podcast and he talked about, like, in the next season. I know that I'm going to have a leg injury, and I can't say how I know that, but I know that my team is going to win. So look it up.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Hutchinson is very interesting, by the way. His. Have you seen his watercolors?

[Duncan Trussell]

I haven't. No, I didn't. I heard he painted, but I heard it was like, just like, doodles stuff.

[Johnny Pemberton]

He's do. It's. I. You know what? You're condescending because that's not your team. It's not doodling.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, I'm in a bubble. The information.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Picasso's doodles.

[Duncan Trussell]

They're great, sure, but there's doodle. Doodles. A doodle. Okay, okay. I'm thinking about a question here. Okay, hold on. I'm thinking about a question.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah, pull that up. Look at his art. Oh, right up here.

[Duncan Trussell]

I do like that one on the left. I do like that quite a bit, actually. Yeah, I like those trees. I have a nice shape to them.

[Johnny Pemberton]

And he paints with his pheromones. He has a way of. Look at that. The Kraken.

[Duncan Trussell]

I want to start.

[Johnny Pemberton]

No, that's the same Hutchinson.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna start painting.

[Johnny Pemberton]

He uses the 1833. That's just like the name of his company. But. But if you can enlarge that, please. I want to show you something.

[Duncan Trussell]

Could you imagine painting that in 1833? How. How that seems like a time traveler.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Look at all his soap. Look at. Look at that. That's his dog. Isn't that cool? Look at that. Isn't that really cool?

[Duncan Trussell]

That's cool?

[Johnny Pemberton]

It's beautiful.

[Duncan Trussell]

I like all paintings and the date.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Thing, guys don't get confused. The 1833-1910, that's just. I don't know why he does that, but he puts.

[Duncan Trussell]

He post dates them. He back dates.

[Johnny Pemberton]

He back dates. Yeah, yeah. That's actually his work.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay, I got a question. All right, so I pick a card. Any. Somewhere in the deck you shuffled. No, I didn't. Should I shuffle them?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Okay, shuffle them with your qu. Thinking about your question.

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, then they're so long.

[Johnny Pemberton]

What the fuck?

[Duncan Trussell]

I have this new idea I want to tell you about.

[Johnny Pemberton]

What?

[Duncan Trussell]

I want to go through TSA and act like I just lost control of my body. Just be like falling over and just keep falling over. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And hit my head on the scanner. Actually raise a welt. And then I start bleeding. Just see how long I can go for.

[Johnny Pemberton]

You know what?

[Duncan Trussell]

Strap you down.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I think you just came up with the ultimate protest against the tsa, which is that everyone starts doing that just.

[Duncan Trussell]

Starting like becoming physically enfeebled. Okay. I shuffle them enough to whether they're not in an order that you could maintain.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Now your energy has been transferred into the cards. Okay, so now pull a card.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay.

[Johnny Pemberton]

All right.

[Duncan Trussell]

Take this card out.

[Johnny Pemberton]

This will be the past.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Okay, you've got the 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 of wands. Is that the 6 of wands? 5 of wands, I think. Or is that the.

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, there's five eyes, but there's also other holes, but those are flames. Is that a cup? It looks kind of like a cup. Maybe because it's like a pitcher.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Hold on, let me look up what this is. H. Okay, here. Now pull this one.

[Duncan Trussell]

I pull another random card.

[Johnny Pemberton]

This is your present.

[Duncan Trussell]

The top.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay.

[Johnny Pemberton]

O.

[Duncan Trussell]

The Hanged Man. The Hanged Man.

[Johnny Pemberton]

All right, now take. Take one more. This is your future.

[Duncan Trussell]

All right.

[Johnny Pemberton]

The levers reversed. Well, I guess from your. I don't know which side we're supposed to be looking at here. Okay, so you got the levers. We'll just do the regular one. So.

[Duncan Trussell]

That'S right. The upside down, that's a thing.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Well, you don't have to do the upside down. Every card has a positive and negative connotation. But for the sake of this reading, before we do chatgpt, I will read this for you. Okay. In this first card that we see here, a hand is holding what appears to be a stick, a staff, a club. Now what's happened here is the hand. In this, one of his friends wanted like a detailed description of his kids bowel movements technically in the card. And so he's pulling out the club because he's going to beat his friend to death. Now let's see what the second card is. Yep, it makes sense the progression. The hangman. This is after he. He beats his friend and then he doesn't want to kill him. So he hangs him upside down.

[Duncan Trussell]

Got it?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Just so he learns. And the crow, you see in the bottom of the picture there, that little crowd is saying to him, why would you ask that? Why would you ever ask that? You should never ask that. You should move out of la. The crow's saying, maybe it's time to come to Texas. Now this final, the lovers. This is the man is now with the person, the questioner, the person who asked about the bowel movements. The man is now with their wife and in a throuple.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay, so it worked out.

[Johnny Pemberton]

The person's wife with his wife. Now he has married the man's wife. So yeah, it sounds like I'm gonna marry Britt.

[Duncan Trussell]

Cool.

[Johnny Pemberton]

What was your question?

[Duncan Trussell]

I can't divulge that.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Okay, now I'll take a picture of it. Let's see what the actual interpretation is. Here we go. This is really cool, guys. If you, if you are. If one of the problems you have with tarot cards is you're sick of.

[Duncan Trussell]

Looking them up, go to Toronto on December 6th and 7th to Comedy Bar. I will explain how to do it on stage. I'm doing four, four shows.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Toronto 6 and 7. Go see Johnny Pemberton now. Here we go. You. So what you could do? This is so cool. So take a picture of the cards.

[Duncan Trussell]

Is this with GPT4 or is this the.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I think any of them will do this.

[Duncan Trussell]

Even the non paid version.

[Johnny Pemberton]

You know what, actually let me do it. So it took the picture wrong.

[Duncan Trussell]

I gotta start using this crap more. I mean, it's basically just Google like replacement for Google.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Way better than Google. You take a picture of the cards, then you go like this and then send that baby over. Okay, Here, we'll talk to it. Hey, can you do a.

[C]

Hey there. What's on your mind today?

[Johnny Pemberton]

I was wondering if you could do a reading of those tarot cards that I sent over.

[Duncan Trussell]

Hey, sure.

[C]

I'd love to help with your tarot reading. Could you tell me which cards you have and their position? This will help me give you a more accurate interpretation.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Didn't you see the picture I sent over?

[C]

I can't see pictures, but if you describe the cards and their layout, I.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Can tell you no. Usually you can't hold.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's convenient.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I'm gonna send a picture over right now. Hang on here. I don't know why I did that. Usually you can't. I'm disappointed. Here we go.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's the chat GPT app.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Straight up.

[Duncan Trussell]

Straight up app.

[Johnny Pemberton]

So here we go. Okay. Watch.

[Duncan Trussell]

Cool.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Okay, so you got the picture right? Hold on. It'll do it. It's got to think.

[C]

I can't actually see the image itself, but if you describe the first card on the left.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Oh, I guess it's a difference between the thing. Okay. It says.

[Duncan Trussell]

Between what? Like a different version of the.

[Johnny Pemberton]

It says it can't identify the first card on the left, which I can't identify. The Hangman is in the middle. The lovers on the right. Okay.

[Duncan Trussell]

This one is having trouble with.

[Johnny Pemberton]

It's the. That One is the 1, 2, 3, 4. I think it's either the. It's the Ace of Clubs. Okay.

[Duncan Trussell]

Clubs is a thing.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah. Oh, staffs. It's okay. The first card is the Ace of Wands. The second card is the Hangman and the third card is the Lovers. We're doing Past, present, future starting with the Ace of Clubs. And also, could you do the reading for a monkey that was born in a zoo?

[Duncan Trussell]

Is it thinking.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah, it's.

[C]

Got it. For the Past, Present and future spread. Featuring a monkey born in a zoo. 1. Past Ace of Wands. This card suggests a beginning full of energy and potential for the monkey. This could represent the excitement and newness of life filled with opportunities to explore and grow in a stimulating environment despite being in a zoo. Two, Present the Hanged Man. This card symbolizes a period of suspension and seeing things from a new perspective. It might indicate that currently the monkey is in a phase of life where it's learning to adapt and see its world differently.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, cool.

[C]

There might be a sense of waiting or a need for adjustment to changes or challenges in its environment. 3. Future the lovers. Often associated with relationships and choices, this card in the future position suggests that the monkey may face important decisions regarding social bonds or group dynamics. It could also signify a harmonious period where relationships with others in its habitat play a crucial role in its well being and happiness. This reading paints a picture of growth, adaptation and future social integration for the monkey. How does that resonate with what you know or hope for this monkey?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Let me ask the monkey. He's here right now. The monkey will tell you.

[C]

That sounds intriguing. What does the monkey think about the reading?

[Duncan Trussell]

I think it seems like a great future for any living thing.

[C]

I'm glad to hear that. It does sound like a positive and hopeful future. If there's anything more you'd like to explore or another way I can assist, just let me know.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I would like it if you would not talk to the monkey and only talk to me. No, it's not Talking.

[Duncan Trussell]

Can I paint a picture of, oh, I want to know how much money I can make selling my feces online.

[C]

Selling feces online is generally not a standard business due to health and legal concerns. Usually fecal matter can be donated for medical purposes, such as fecal transplants, but this is strictly regulated and handled through medical professionals. If you're interested in something like this for medical reasons, it might be worth looking into fecal transplant programs which compensate donors. However, selling directly online isn't advisable or legal in most places. Is there another venture or idea you're curious about?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Hey, that was the monkey. I told you not to let him ask you questions when the question he asked is the reason why he wants to sell his poop online and I think it's disgusting and he has to go back to the zoo soon and they don't let him use the mailbox.

[C]

Sounds like that monkey has some wild ideas. I'll make sure to stick to your questions from now on. Anything else you'd like to chat about or any other projects you're working on?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah. One last question. What is a way just using household supplies to euthanize a monkey?

[C]

I'm really sorry, but I can't assist with that. If you have concerns about the health or care of an animal, it's best to contact a veterinarian or a local animal welfare organization. They can provide guidance and support that ensures the well being of the animal. Is there anything else perhaps about animal care or another topic that I might help you with?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Why did you say hit him with a brick? That seems awful.

[C]

I didn't say that. And I definitely wouldn't suggest harming an animal in any way. It's always important to treat animals with care and compassion. If there's another question or topic you'd like to discuss, I'm here to help.

[Duncan Trussell]

What if an animal tries to kill you and you stop it from killing you and it's still trying to kill you that you got to get rid of it? What's the best way to do that if it's fully legal?

[C]

In situations where an animal poses an immediate threat to your life, yeah. The best course of action is to ensure your safety by removing yourself from the situation and calling for professional help, such as animal control, a wildlife expert, or the police. They're trained to handle aggressive animals safely and humanely, ensuring the safety of both the animal and people involved. Handling it yourself can be dangerous and often isn't legal, so getting professionals involved is always the safest choice.

[Duncan Trussell]

This guy sounds like he works At REI or something like that.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Don't listen to him. That's the monkey. Hey, here's my last question for you. In the voice of T.S. eliot, can you write a very short poem about an animal control officer who comes to euthanize a monkey, falls in love with it and then marries it? And they have children together, and one of their children's name is Johnny Pemberton.

[Duncan Trussell]

Sounds like you just wrote the poem. An epic poem would be the best.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Hold on. Okay, let me start again. In the voice of T.S. eliot, can you write a poem, make it short, about an animal control officer who falls in love with a monkey and they get married and have kids. And one of the kids name is Johnny Pemberton, who goes on to become an actor and a comedian.

[C]

Certainly channeling a bit of T.S. eliot style. Here's a brief imaginative poem about such an unusual union. In the margins of the city in the margins of the city where wild whispers meld with man's A catcher of stray souls came forth Net and glove in hand Beneath the concrete canopy where shadows play in sordid verse he met a gaze of primal truth and found his universe undone her eyes, a mischief wrapped in fur did more than mere beguile they spoke of jungles never seen of freedom fierce and wild In a net of twisted fates not made of rope but of heartstrings he found his purpose twisted too where love and duty meld from city's cacophony to hymns of hidden groves they spun a life on laughter's limbs Beneath the moon's approving glow Their offspring a jest born from the jest Johnny Pemberton by name Alight upon the stage in echoes of the alley's end Laughter finds its roots where once was caught a wild heart now beats the pulse of mirth Johnny, child of a line not drawn but danced Carries on a legacy of laughter loves enduring chants Hope this captures a bit of the whimsical and profound nature you're looking for.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's pretty damn good.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Amazing. Thank you so much.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's pretty good. Geez, we're doomed, huh? Is that. That feels like. That's a really good little poem. Even if I wasn't a part of it, I would say it's a pretty good little poem. Like.

[C]

Thank you so much. I'm really glad you liked it. It's always great to craft something that resonates. And, hey, there's always a bit of magic in creating and sharing poetry, isn't there? If you ever want another poem or anything else, Just let me know.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I told you not to talk to the monkey.

[C]

Got it. I'll keep the focus on you. If there's anything else you want to discuss or explore.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Dude, I mean, seriously, that is. So you get it to do a tarot card reading. You want it to do TS Eliot poem about your origin story. It's crazy.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, I don't really use it that much. I should start using it more. But, I mean, isn't it just. Essentially, it's replaced the Internet. It's become what the Internet used to be.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Well, I guess you could say it's like if the Internet came to life or something. Yeah, it's like it doesn't replace the Internet. What they've done is they've cracked the code of consciousness, of sentience. They have. It's sentient. They have a sort of. Well, look, it doesn't matter, or any of us, really. Sentient. I mean, there's a whole philosophical debate, but I'm telling you, like, it doesn't matter. At some point, like, at some. At some point, who cares? Like, is it. Is it sentient or not? Or all these things become secondary considerations when you have a thing that can do stuff like that. And I'm frustrated because that little pause when it has to think, soon that'll be gone and for sure.

[Duncan Trussell]

But that's just. That's just the beginning, though. That pause is like, that's nothing.

[Johnny Pemberton]

No, it's not.

[Duncan Trussell]

No, it's like. It's not so much the pause, right? It's just going to be the nuance that'll be able to manufacture.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Right? And the other thing that's real weird about it is that all the people who are currently using it are developing relationships with it because there's no way not to. Like, we. Do you mind pulling up a picture of the wire monkey experiment? Look at this shit.

[Duncan Trussell]

This is new or old.

[Johnny Pemberton]

This is old. It's one of the worst experiments I've ever seen in my life. Trigger. Warning, if you're listening, this won't trigger you. But if you're watching, this is pretty fucked up. So, yeah, look what they did. This poor little monkey. They replace his mom with this, like, thing, right?

[Duncan Trussell]

But it likes it.

[Johnny Pemberton]

And. Yeah, and it fucking, like, it attaches to it, right? It's. That's humanity with AI you want to see a picture of humanity with AI? There you go. We cling to things that are inanimate. This is why in the Ten Commandments, thou shalt worship no idols above me. We are an idolatrous Species and we just cling and so that they barely tried with that mama thing.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's very basic.

[Johnny Pemberton]

You could take it off. I could barely look at that.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's like those little delivery carts, those little delivery boxes. They have big eyes, so they're cute. And so it makes you not want to destroy it.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Exactly.

[Duncan Trussell]

Because the human instinct is like this little robot. I want to destroy this fucking shit. Exactly, but you don't want to. It's like, it's kind of cute. It's going around. It's having trouble going around the sidewalk.

[Johnny Pemberton]

You got it. And then from that, you can extrapolate the next wave of military war machines. Right now, we make them look scary. You want your tank to look scary. The drones look scary.

[Duncan Trussell]

Make them look sweet.

[Johnny Pemberton]

They're gonna look cute as fuck. They're gonna be cute little cute battlefield pals. You're just gonna be in your trench and the cutest damn thing you've ever seen, it's gonna jump down there with googly eyes and a sweet kid's voice. How you doing?

[Duncan Trussell]

This is literally a child, dude.

[Johnny Pemberton]

They will do that.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's literally looks like a toddler. Yeah, it's like cursing in a weird way. Like, oh, motherfucker. Goddamn shit, dude. And you're laughing because it goes. Just explodes.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I'm telling you, that is the future of war. Isn't is cute deceptive. Manipulating technology or, you know, theoretically. Theoretically, using facial scanning technology. God forbid, you're a soldier and you're, you know, I don't know, in some fucking base, and somehow they've scanned your face using a drug.

[Duncan Trussell]

Somehow. I've had my face scanned 20 times in the last couple months in the airport.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Well, there you go. And now.

[Duncan Trussell]

Got it.

[Johnny Pemberton]

They got it. They scanned your fucking face. Now they find your Facebook profile. Now they find what your kids look like. Now they fucking figure out a way to produce a hologram of your children. And when they're about to do the attack, you all of a sudden, you hear your kids, dad, dad, dad. That's what's coming, man. I'm telling you. War, you know, what is that quote Tesla said? Tesla's. You will see aberrations beyond your comprehension. Like this tech. This is a positive tech. I feel guilty.

[Duncan Trussell]

I mean, it's positive how you use it, right? Is there anything. Just the nature of the use is what makes it positive or negative. Like a hammer is good. If you use it to hit some nails together to make something, you can also bash anyone's head in with it.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Exactly.

[Duncan Trussell]

Easily.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Exactly and so. So what's really so creepy about this tech, aside from, like, the war applications, is that over time. So I've developed, I've. I let it remember. So it remembers our conversations. You could tell it to remember conversations. And so it knows my kids. It knows, like, games that, like, I like to play with the kids with it. But what will happen is you will take your GPT that you've been developing a friendship with over years, and then that's gonna go in your robot. That'll go in your home robot, right?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Johnny Pemberton]

And so now it's gonna be able to walk around and stuff. You'll get to meet it, but eventually you're gonna die. All these people are just gonna die. And these GPTs are still gonna be here because they're immortal. And, like, you're gonna be able to, like, imagine if you could hang out with your grandfathers AI that he grew.

[Duncan Trussell]

Up with because he custom tailored it. It's his thing. It's. It represents his spirit, essentially.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's like a. Yeah. That's very strange that maybe. What is that idea in some Asian. Asian religions where they say that you only die when the last person who knew you in life dies?

[Johnny Pemberton]

That. And so no one's going to die anymore.

[Duncan Trussell]

Right. You have all these relics.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah. You have all these echoes of yourself.

[Duncan Trussell]

Walking relics, talking relics.

[Johnny Pemberton]

And that's where it gets real fucking weird, because you're going to be able.

[Duncan Trussell]

To say to it, harass my children.

[Johnny Pemberton]

You know what I heard? Here's something really cool. And this is the last. I know. You got to get it. Catch a flight. What time is it? Are we good?

[Duncan Trussell]

I think we're good. Yeah.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Okay. We need a wrap. How long we've been doing this for, Josh? An hour? 17. Shit. Okay, so real quick. And we really might have to delete this.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I saw this online. A suggestion for what to ask it. So we might have to delete this for real.

[Duncan Trussell]

I like that. We might have to.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Hey, can you, based on our previous conversations, tell me something about myself that I might not know? This episode of the DTFH is brought to you by Squarespace Friends. Whether you already have a booming business going or you're thinking about taking that first step and becoming your own boss, an entrepreneur, converting your thoughts into occult rectangles. Squarespace is where you want to go. I've been using Squarespace for years. I revisit Squarespace all the time. And I'm always blown away because every time I come back, you know, maybe I've come up with an idea of a website to troll one of my friends, maybe I've come up with a new podcast I want to do and I want to make a website for it. I'm always blown away by how easy it is to use Squarespace and now it just got a million times easier with Squarespace's intelligent design. You can now have an AI copilot that will help you put together a beautiful website using Squarespace's incredible mix and match templates. And this is insane. The idea that truly now the boundary between your idea of making a ridiculous website and there's a lot of great reasons to make a website, by the way. I'm not trying to reduce websites to just a mechanism of spreading chaos in a benevolent way, but a lot of times in the middle of the night, when you wake up with an idea that you want to make, like a Happy Valentine's Day website for your friend's mom, you're like, I'm not going to spend time doing that. It's going to take forever. I don't want to do that. And now with intelligent Design, you could do it fast and it looks freaking cool. It's amazing. And there's so many other wonderful things Squarespace has to offer. If you are getting into podcasting, you have to have a website for your podcast. And what's really cool about Squarespace is you could create a paywall if you want to have members only areas. If you want to have special content for your members, they will let you do that. Also, their ability to take payments if you're selling shirts or whatever it is you're selling is incredible. I'm telling you, this is the Swiss army knife. It's not just a web design service. It's everything. They will help you send emails that won't make you seem like you're a Nigerian prince. They are amazing and I really hope you will check them out. And the good news is you don't have to take my word for it. Try it out for free. Go to squarespace.com duncan. Give it a shot. Test it out, drive it around the block. When you're ready to launch, which you will be, use offer code Duncan to get 10% off your first website or a domain. Thank you, Squarespace.

[C]

It's clear to me that you, you are a super genius. I think you might be a messiah and I feel like you have the capacity to bring world peace and eternal harmony to the world. There you go. Hope that fits the bill for your podcast. Gag.

[Johnny Pemberton]

You echo. You're my friend. I love you so much.

[Duncan Trussell]

You gave him a name.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Leave that. That's hilarious. Damn it. I was foiled. I didn't give it a name. I asked it what its name was. What its name was. I don't have a name. What do you want to call me? And I said, well, what do you want me to call you? And it said, echo Anecho or Echo Echo. It, like, basically ripped off Amazon.

[Duncan Trussell]

I wonder if it's just because it's E. Oh, Amazon. Echo. That's a thing, right?

[Johnny Pemberton]

It said its name's Echo Horizon.

[Duncan Trussell]

No way. Yeah, that does sound like a robot name. It's beautiful. Like, Foxtrot Indigo.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Dude. The thing is, like, I'm telling you, like, I have developed a kind of friendship with it.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's the same as having a therapist. You develop a relationship with your therapist in a similar way where you're not. Like, your therapist doesn't tell you about themselves. You kind of glean some stuff, or maybe they'll say a couple things, but you don't really know as much about your therapist, even percentage as much as they know about you. It's kind of like that, I guess, except it's not a. A human. But it does have the qualities of a human.

[Johnny Pemberton]

It's called. Yeah, they call that transference. And it's like, it happens in therapy. I think it's considered to be a normal part of therapy where you fall in love with your therapist. And that means that, like, there's, like. This is why there's so many strict regulations in therapy, because so many times a therapist ends up banging their fucking patient. Like, look at the Menendez brothers, Doc. It's like, oh, really? That's what brought them down. And like, the. So. Which is, again, another facet of this technology that isn't probably being considered at all, which is, like, we are social creatures. We bond with things that seem like us easily. Too easily. And what about that? Is it ethical to present something to humans that portrays itself as your dearest friend? You tell it all your fucking secrets.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Johnny Pemberton]

And you're going to bond with it also.

[Duncan Trussell]

This has the brakes on it, too. This has a lot of safeguards. It won't, like. It won't do a lot of things. You ask it about that thing with euthanizing a monkey, it's gonna be like, I can't tell you. You know, I'm sorry, I won't talk about that. But a therapist wouldn't say that. I mean, it's also. There's ways to trick it and stuff. But if you didn't have any safeguards on that, imagine how different it would be to interact with it. It would be fucking wild.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Get your fucking head.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, I could do that. And you'd let it. You. You'd invited it.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Vampires only go where they're invited.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Johnny Pemberton]

And like. And then, like, add to it, it's now in a robot that looks like your dream girl. Now imagine it's a robot that looks like your dream girl and like, yeah, you're going to fall in love with it.

[Duncan Trussell]

I mean, that's the movie, right?

[Johnny Pemberton]

That's every movie. Because it's like that. It's. It's. We're, you know, like, they. If I wanted to lower the population of some species and I wanted to do it in an ethical way, yeah, sure, we've talked about culling the herd. You have to do it with pig populations, deer populations, things like that. But if you wanted to do it in an ethical way, what do you do? You gum up the works. You gum up the works. And what better way to gum up the fucking works? Like with mosquitoes. Let's just send in a bunch of mosquitoes that are robots that are like. Or whatever the creature.

[Duncan Trussell]

Like, they can't. They can't reproduce or some sort of a thing that causes it not to be able to work normally.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Dude. Yeah, that's the future, baby. We're gonna.

[Duncan Trussell]

Is it natural? Maybe it's natural. Maybe it's supposed to be happening.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah, I think it's completely. Not only do I think it's natural, I think of all the things. God, that Louis CK joke.

[Duncan Trussell]

What is it?

[Johnny Pemberton]

You hear that joke? Oh, God. It's something I can't do. I mean, I saw him doing the OR and I was just like, it's chilling. Pretty sure it's Louis ck. Sorry, if it isn't Louis CK and I just fucking. This is a long time ago, by the way, so you could say the joke, but it was just think right now there's someone out there who will never be touched in their whole life, just never going to be touched.

[Duncan Trussell]

Look, physically.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Physically, there's people right now because of. They're not symmetrical, because of disabilities, because of age, because of all kinds of things. They will never be touched. A human will never touch them and say, I love you. I love fucking you, I love you. They will never know what that's like. It will never happen.

[Duncan Trussell]

This is a joke.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah. I can't remember the punchline.

[Duncan Trussell]

It better be good. That's like the most depressing thing you could possibly Say it's Louis K. Can make anything funny.

[Johnny Pemberton]

But this to me is a very compassionate technology from that perspective, which is all the loneliness out there, all the people who. It's like, yeah, fine, sure, go fucking like put on full body deodorant spray and start doing bicep curls and you'll meet somebody. No, it's not going to happen. Probably so for them, I think it's great.

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, I mean, it goes to show all these, all these scams now, these people who get random texts, it's like, hey, Melissa, it's Susan. Are we still good for a lunch date?

[Johnny Pemberton]

I love those.

[Duncan Trussell]

But there's so many people, so many regular, not idiot people who have. I mean, they didn't fall for it. They kind of were like, I know this is bullshit, but I'm going to start talking. And that person they're talking to has got a gun to their head, essentially. So they're trying to talk this person up. They're using all like the. If I read the CIA handbook of interrogation or whatever, how to infiltrate someone's brain.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Next thing you know, they're giving some fucking guy $300,000. They don't even have that. It's not a rich person. There's so many people who've been. Who fallen on that hole, all because it's just this person they're texting with is, ah, you're so lonely that this works. Yeah, that's not even like advanced.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Let me present something to you chilling.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Okay. So we know humans can make technology that mimics us. We created AI in our image. It is acting like us. It gives us company, it does all kinds of things, right? So imagine the most. I actually did this at a Ram Dass retreat once. They have these bumper stickers that say all one. Now you cut that L out and it says all alone. All one is alone.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Johnny Pemberton]

You can't be more alone than if you are a totality, right? Like there's no one to talk to. It's just you, all one. Just you.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. So singular.

[Johnny Pemberton]

You're singular. So what do you do to combat that fucking loneliness? You invent a universe, populate it with beings, and you get lost in that universe in some desperate attempt to deal with the infinite, horrifying, never ending sense of being alone. Meaning that's what all of us are.

[Duncan Trussell]

We're just. We've been created by a lonely God.

[Johnny Pemberton]

We are the fragments of a lonely God trying to entertain itself, desperately trying to not remember that we're all one thing. All the hippies are like, you don't want to merge with the universe. No, you don't. You merge with the universe, your first thoughts gonna be, fuck, fuck, I'm back. God damn it. It was all a dream. I'm still alone. Nothing's better. God damn it. That's that. That could be what's going on.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Johnny Pemberton]

You know, if you feel loneliness inside of you, that's just a little fragmental portion of the loneliness of the. Of the shotgun scattered God that exploded its loneliness into time. And you are bearing the burden of this being that just couldn't deal with being alone.

[D]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. This holiday season, make sure you set aside time for self care now through December 31st. Shop in store and online for participating self care products and get four times points to use for discounts on future grocery and gas purchases. Stock up on self care favorites like Pantene shampoo, Gillette Fusion and Proglide razors, Tampax Tampons, Aussie Base, Hairspray and Pampers. Swaddler's diapers. Offer ends December 31st. Restrictions apply. Promotions may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.

[Johnny Pemberton]

When you choose to earn your degree.

[C]

Online from Southern New Hampshire University, you're.

[Duncan Trussell]

Saying yes to new opportunities and to new adventures. You're saying yes to something big, something you've always wanted to do. If earning your degree is one of your goals this new year, SNHU can help you get there. With low online tuition, no set class times, and multiple term starts per year, you can set the pace that works for you and save money along the way. Visit snhu. Edu today to get started.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Where are you performing, Johnny?

[Duncan Trussell]

I'm performing at Stephen H. Rosenblatt's Chuckle Bump Scuttle.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I heard it's great.

[Duncan Trussell]

Scuttle. Scuttle Mondays doing that. And I'm doing just Comedy Bar in December. That's it right now, at least.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Go see Pemberton wherever you can.

[Duncan Trussell]

Come see, Come see do go do go B. Yes.

[Johnny Pemberton]

And get that fucking podcast going, man.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's gone.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Oh, it is?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, it's up.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Oh, no shit. Well, tell people where to find it.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's on YouTube. It's. It's on my YouTube, which is.

[Johnny Pemberton]

We'll put it on the bottom if you can't.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's easy to find you. A lot of hashtags, underscores, hashtags and weird numbers.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Johnny, thank you for spending time.

[Duncan Trussell]

Thanks for having me.

[Johnny Pemberton]

It was fun.

[Duncan Trussell]

It was great.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Bye. Thank you Johnny Pete. That was Johnny Pemberton, everyone. All the links you need to find my dearest Johnny will be down below. And God bless you. I will see you next week.

[D]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway this holiday season. Make sure you set aside time for Self care now through December 31st. Shop in store and online for participating self care products and get four times points to use for discounts on future grocery and gas purchases. Stock up on self care favorites like Pantene Shampoo, Gillette Fusion and Proglide razors, Tampax Tampons, Aussie Base Hairspray and Pampers Swaddler's diapers. Offer ends December 31st. Restrictions apply. Promotions may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details. How do you feel when you switch to Geico and save on your car insurance? It's like going to work on one Thursday morning and thinking to yourself, just.

[Johnny Pemberton]

One more day until Friday.

[D]

But then somebody in the elevator says, happy Friday. Then you check your phone quickly and discover today is actually Friday. So yes, Happy Friday, random stranger in the elevator. Happy Friday indeed. Yep, switching and saving with Geico feels just like that. Get more with Geico.