653: Christina Pazsitzky

Summary

Podcast Summary: Duncan Trussell Family Hour - Episode 653: Christina Pazsitzky

Release Date: December 7, 2024

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Introduction

In Episode 653 of the Duncan Trussell Family Hour, comedian and podcast host Duncan Trussell welcomes his dear friend, Christina Pazsitzky. Known for her sharp wit and candid stand-up performances, Christina joins Duncan to share her profound journey battling cancer. The conversation delves deep into their personal experiences, exploring themes of mortality, grief, resilience, and the transformative power of facing life-threatening illnesses.

Discovery and Diagnosis

Christina begins by recounting the moment she discovered her cancer diagnosis. Reflecting on the abrupt shift from her active life to grappling with a life-threatening condition, she shares:

"[26:17] Christina P.: So to go through that, and then you're in radiation with, like, old dying people is such a mind fuck."

Duncan echoes the suddenness and disbelief that often accompanies such diagnoses:

"[09:26] Christina P.: ...you just have to get straight into surgery and radiation."

Emotional Turmoil and Coping Mechanisms

Both Christina and Duncan openly discuss the intense emotional challenges they faced post-diagnosis. Christina describes her initial denial and subsequent coping strategies, including maintaining her comedic persona to mask her pain:

"[33:28] Christina P.: I love being a psycho comedian because... popping, just talking to people, cracking jokes."

Duncan shares a similar sentiment, emphasizing the role of humor as a coping mechanism:

"[35:44] Duncan Trussell: ...just have to Sleep for a month."

Impact on Personal Relationships

The diagnosis profoundly affected their relationships, particularly with family. Christina speaks about the heightened appreciation and deeper connections with her children:

"[36:48] Christina P.: ...all that matters is your family."

Duncan reflects on the universal fear of losing loved ones, highlighting the shared human experience of grappling with mortality:

"[37:02] Christina P.: ...I can't die before these are out of my house. That. That is my reason to live."

Philosophical Reflections on Mortality

The conversation takes a philosophical turn as both delve into existential questions and the meaning of life in the face of death. Christina draws parallels between her experiences and existentialist philosophies, expressing a newfound appreciation for life's fleeting moments:

"[45:01] Christina P.: And I think when you enter the Cancer Club, you get a taste of like, oh, your date might be here or there."

Duncan introduces Buddhist concepts, discussing the impermanence of life and the transformative nature of facing death:

"[39:55] Christina P.: Yes, absolutely. You will die, and there's an expiration date on you."

Navigating the Healthcare System

Both guests critique the complexities and frustrations within the healthcare system. Christina shares her experiences with medical professionals, highlighting instances of gaslighting and the arduous journey through various treatments:

"[32:29] Duncan Trussell: Right?"

"[32:29] Christina P.: Just tell me how not to die. And I... had to tell them, like, look, I know you New agey... I'm into white guys in suits telling me what to do."

Duncan relates with his own challenges, emphasizing the lack of genuine support and understanding within the medical community:

"[34:45] Christina P.: ...their energy goes into the food. Love gets in the food..."

Redefining Identity and Purpose

Christina and Duncan explore how their identities and perceptions of purpose evolved post-diagnosis. Christina discusses the shift from a driven, always-on persona to a more introspective and grounded existence:

"[77:02] Christina P.: It's got. God punished me."

Duncan adds that recognizing mortality fosters a deeper appreciation for the present moment and authentic connections:

"[45:58] Duncan Trussell: ...there's something like. It's so."

Finding Meaning and Moving Forward

The conversation concludes on a hopeful note, with both speakers sharing how their experiences have reshaped their lives. Christina emphasizes the importance of living authentically and cherishing meaningful relationships:

"[88:19] Christina P.: I do. And I'm enamored of my life. I enjoy really, really little things."

Duncan reinforces the value of presence and the inevitability of impermanence, encouraging listeners to embrace the moment:

"[102:09] Duncan Trussell: ...be in the moment as much as you can, because you won't get to experience this..."

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Christina Pazsitzky:

  • "Welcome to the Cancer Club. It's not a great club to belong to, but unfortunately not very exclusive these days." [28:52]
  • "I'm enamored of my life. I enjoy really, really little things." [77:02]

• Duncan Trussell:

  • "No one knows. But the moment you get the taste of reality. Reality. You are reborn." [39:55]
  • "There is nothing to fix. Kick that idea." [108:18]

Conclusion

Episode 653 of the Duncan Trussell Family Hour offers a raw and honest exploration of life’s fragility through the shared experiences of Christina Pazsitzky and Duncan Trussell. Their candid discussions provide invaluable insights into coping with cancer, redefining personal identity, and finding meaning amidst profound challenges. This episode serves as both a testament to their resilience and a compassionate guide for listeners navigating similar paths.

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Note: Advertisements and promotional segments within the transcript have been omitted to maintain focus on the core content of the conversation.

Transcript

[Duncan Trussell]

Welcome my friends. God bless you. You're watching, listening to the dtfh. I'm so glad you're here. I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving and uneventful Thanksgiving. I hope you experienced some moment of spontaneous gratitude. And if you didn't, I hope you didn't feel some kind of guilt for not feeling something that people are telling you you're supposed to feel. You're supposed to shove it out of yourself. Like you're constipated. Like inside of you are all these gross clump. Gratitude. Isn't it the worst the gratitude police. When the Thanksgiving police come a knocking. Oh, this is a time to be thankful. You don't tell me when to be thankful. I'll be thankful when I'm thankful. You can't just spontaneously create thankfulness. This awful, tyrannical new spirituality where there are demands that you be grateful and thankful or you're somehow being blasphemous. It's nonsense. Ridiculous. Feel the way you feel. If you feel thankful, then great. If you don't, great. You get to be you. Don't let some puffed up, ayahuasca, slurping, crystal wearing, fake smile having tattoo faced pseudo shaman tell you to be thankful when you don't feel it. But I do hope you did feel true. Thanks on this Thanksgiving because don't we have so much to be thankful for? Bleh. Today on the dtfh, we have a dear friend of mine, Christina P. You know her from ymh. You know her incredible standup and maybe you heard she just had a running with the big C and became a fellow member of the Cancer club. We talk about this on this episode. Lots of other things too. But I'll tell you one thing I'm authentically truly thankful for that Christina P. Is one of my friends. So now everybody, welcome to the dtfh. Christina P. You know, I was so.

[Christina P.]

Checked out the last four months from reality. I don't. I forgot it was election day when it happened.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Because I was.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's good.

[Christina P.]

I was doing whatever. Bullshit. Ladies, do you know what I mean?

[Duncan Trussell]

You were in the real world.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Are we rolling? Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

You were in the real. Because that's the thing, you know. By the way, welcome to the show.

[Christina P.]

Oh my God. Yeah. I love you.

[Duncan Trussell]

Thank you.

[Christina P.]

You're my favorite.

[Duncan Trussell]

You are my favorite.

[Christina P.]

I adore you so much.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. You guys built a very inspirational empire that all of us truly, truly. It sounds sappy but we, you know, everyone looks at that as like wow. Not only is it like, producing, like, the best podcasts.

[Christina P.]

Thank you, Duncan.

[Duncan Trussell]

But it's a community, and all the people who work for you are so freaking cool.

[Christina P.]

Well, that's. That we have a no shithead policy. No douchebags allowed.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

And I. You know, we've been really fortunate, as we all have, with podcasting. And I mean, who fucking knew, like, 15, whatever, 16 years ago, like, sitting on Red Band's couch, that this would grow into that. And I mean, yeah, I. So hashtag blessed.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yes, hashtag blessed. It's crazy. I mean, no, because I think that is sort of the. To me, the best thing about it is that we got into podcasting not out of some business instinct.

[Christina P.]

No.

[Duncan Trussell]

There was no, like, analysis of a billion dollar industry. And boy, we gotta get in now. It was just like, what is this? It's fun. It's weird.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

And, yeah, we got lucky. And that never happens to me. Like, oh, my God. You know what haunts me? I have in my emails from when I used to do a podcast with Natasha, emails from multiple people saying, do you guys accept bitcoin donations? Because I would like to donate some bitcoins. And I would read those and I wouldn't even respond because I'm like, I don't have time to deal with whatever the fuck that is. Fucking whatever that monopoly money is. I set up a bitcoin wallet. I don't have. I can't do that. It haunts me.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, but so I always miss. I've almost missed everyone. But podcasting. We caught the wave.

[Christina P.]

Agreed. I've always. I was so envious of people. Like, you'd watch these documentaries, and they're like, yeah, man, it was the 90s in Seattle, and I just started to play the guitar in this band called Nirvana. And then I don't know. And you're like, fuck you, dude. Like, why are you that guy? And to think that my life should. My life should not have gone this well. Truly. And you know what I mean, comedians, you look at your childhood and you're like, oh, I shouldn't. It was. I was on a bad thing. And then, wow, I got really lucky.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. It's so lucky. That. That imposter syndrome, that sense of, like, how the. Does any of this make sense? None of it makes sense. But, you know, I remember at the store, like, when you were a comic, people would come and watch on. That's true.

[Christina P.]

That's not true.

[Duncan Trussell]

Deep respect.

[Christina P.]

Okay, let me.

[Duncan Trussell]

Respect.

[Christina P.]

Can I tell my story about you, which I love.

[Duncan Trussell]

What?

[Christina P.]

You were a young Duncan Trussell, you were in your velvet jacket phase.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, God.

[Christina P.]

Which I admired so much because I think you were the first comic I saw. Like, oh, he actually cares about his appearance.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Because all of us, the whole vibe then was just to look like shit. Everybody just looked like shit. And you're up there and you're at the Laugh Factory, which is like the McDonald's of the comedy club world. And it's fine. It is what it is. It's mostly tourists. It's on Sunset, but the lower part or whatever. And you're talking about suicide, of all things. And not only that, I believe it was like a callback for Montreal Comedy Festival or something.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, yeah.

[Christina P.]

Something really high stakes. And I was like, that's an artist. Like a guy who wants to do what he wants to do. And you're not like, oh, if I don't get into Montreal this year. But I think you fucking did. Cause you're so talented. I did.

[Duncan Trussell]

And guess what happened? Ate shit at New Faces. Of course. That's how it goes. Just ate shit. A smoldering. And the re. And what you were seeing there was actually not. I would love that story to be true. Like, oh, God. What you were seeing there was pure idiot hubris. Because what had happened is I'd gotten a writing job for the first time and I was making more money than I'd ever made, not understanding commissions, taxes, or anything at all.

[Christina P.]

What was the gig, do you remember?

[Duncan Trussell]

It was for this prank show with this British comic named Mark Wootton. I think.

[Christina P.]

Those are so big. In, like, 05.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yes.

[Christina P.]

Like, MTV started it. Or wait, right? Everybody was doing a fucking prank show.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, he was sort of. He is. He had this great show in the UK where he would. Basically, the way the game worked is he would come and visit you for a weekend and ruin your life. If you could make it through the weekend, you got this. You got, you got. You won some money. If you sent him away, you lose. And he would destroy you.

[Christina P.]

He was a disaster.

[Duncan Trussell]

No one. You had to play along with him. So, like, you know, if he was, like, with, like, one dude was like, you know, into, like, rugby. And he goes out with his rugby friends at a bar and Wooten's just playing this, like, super gay dude. And, like, they were obviously lovers in the past, and his friends are like, what the fuck is this?

[Christina P.]

That's great.

[Duncan Trussell]

Or he would, like, write letters. He would get them to sign letters that he wrote quitting their job and just ruin their life.

[Christina P.]

Oh, that's a good prank. Show. How did I miss this?

[Duncan Trussell]

You know? I don't know. He did a fake clairvoyant, Shirley Ghostman. Then he comes to the US to do a prank show. His goal being to essentially, like, just attack Hollywood.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

He got brutalized. Like, they did not want it. I'm trying to think, like, some.

[Christina P.]

Really.

[Duncan Trussell]

I just remember, like, he went to prank the dad from Growing Pains. What's that guy's name?

[Christina P.]

Oh, yeah. His son is a singer. What's his name? God, that show is. Just remember growing up and having to watch that shit, dude. Entertainment. And you're like, show me that smile. The. God, it's still burned into my memory.

[Duncan Trussell]

That guy, like, almost kicked his ass. Allen Thick threw him on the ground. Almost kicked his ass. Like, I think he, like, attacked Omaro. He, like, did something to Omarosa, and Omarosa, like, was chasing him in a car. Like, they were just like you. And it was brutal. But, yeah, you know, I went on stage to, like, audition for Montreal with the idiot confidence of someone who has the real wrong idea about what success is. You got a writing job. Who gives a fuck? You know what I mean? So I had idiot confidence.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. Look, I couldn't tell. And it was a very. It was one of those moments where you're like, oh, you can do that. Like, you can go up there and do something really daring and also, like, even physically look different than people. And then you were doing the ventriloquist.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

I mean, it was like, who are you? You're just this cool space alien.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, I was just. I love conceptual comedy. And, you know, I'll tell you. Like, I remember when I went to do YMH with you and Tom for the first time.

[Christina P.]

Okay, which city? Which. Which iteration?

[Duncan Trussell]

It was far away from Redondo.

[Christina P.]

It was like in our back, we lived in a guest house. Like, a 900 square foot guest house.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. And, you know, there was, like, Tom's weights were outside.

[Christina P.]

That was a good house.

[Duncan Trussell]

And it was. But still, even then, I was impressed because I'm like, whoa, look how organized they are. Like, look, you guys had already sort of set up a little, like, podcast studio situation. It was the embryo of what it grew into. And so now anytime I go to do your shows, I walk into it. It is a TV studio. Like, it is a fully functioning TV studio with organized staff. And.

[Christina P.]

Wow, it's crazy, dude. And here's a. And it's also a dream, because you've written for television, as I have. I was a writer on Chelsea Lately. And in a Few other shows, you know when you're like, oh, God, this could be so much better. Like, why does this fucking suck? Like, why is, like, the FCC telling me I can't say crap? Or why do I. Oh, wouldn't it be great to just do something you want? And that's the best part of podcasting is. Yeah, you can just do what you want.

[Duncan Trussell]

I know.

[Christina P.]

And you can crank it out fast.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

And no one's gonna give you notes. That's the worst part is some executive telling you what's funny or what will work better. And have you ever done, like, a network?

[Duncan Trussell]

Sure, yeah, sure. I, you know, we had to. We want. On the Midnight Gospel, we wanted to do a gag involving the thinking man. You know, I don't even remember what it was, but the note we got back was, okay to, like, do this gag in the way you want to do it. You actually have to meet with a council of artists from Paris to get permission to do it somehow. It's. I didn't. It was the most absurd thing I'd ever heard in my life. And, you know, that was Netflix, and they're, you know, they're far less stringent than network shows. Like, I can't even imagine Chelsea lately. Like, the notes you guys were getting all the time.

[Christina P.]

Well, I'll tell you what I always thought was really funny was Brody Stevens, who was the warmup guy at the time, God bless him. Anyway, I would watch him every day warm up the audience. Cause he, you know, he was so bizarre and so fun. He'd be like, positive, push. Yes, Chelsea is real, so you need to be real. And then he would come out with a tambourine and the drumsticks. And I was like, this is. Gosh, I wish this was. Yeah. You know, yeah, it's a fucking. That's the lamest. You can't be who you are. And that was painful for me. And podcasting was a dream because I'd come from the reality show world. Like, I did Road rules in the 90s, and I was like, this is the best dude. Like, imagine a. A place where you could just talk like a human being.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

And then podcasting, it was. It was a no brainer. I'm like, this is what I've been waiting for. It's like an extension of stand up, but, yeah, you can do it in the afternoon and there's no drunk people unless you want to be. And.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yes. And you can be drunk. You could do anything. This is like, you know, it's. It's such an exciting thing to watch because though, like, I mean, I think any of us owe something to the entertainment industry.

[Christina P.]

Oh, yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

You know, like, it stoked the fires of our ambition. You came to la, you were surrounded by artists. Not because LA had the Comedy Store, but because, you know, LA was where you would go if you wanted to get signal boosted by the machine, you know?

[Christina P.]

Signal boosted, man. And if that isn't accurate.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Gosh. And don't you love how this is completely disrupted and destroyed, that gatekeeping model?

[Duncan Trussell]

It feels good.

[Christina P.]

It's the fuck. It's the greatest.

[Duncan Trussell]

It feels good.

[Christina P.]

There's just. There's one fucker at the network who doesn't like you.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's right.

[Christina P.]

Every fucking reason. And now guess what? You're not gonna get on the Tonight show or you're not gonna get a special or you're not gonna. And it's like, well, who cares? I'll do it myself.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, and that's such a. It's like, you know, the archetype is the bridge troll, right? Like it's in fairy tales, the bridge troll. Like, give me your daughter and you may cross or whatever. And then it's just this grumpy ass bridge troll. Its entire power is based on the fact that apparently there's only one bridge.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Then someone builds a thousand bridges around it. It's like, fuck you. Enjoy your shitty bridge. The view.

[Christina P.]

I know, I know. Who the fuck. Who's even watching? I mean, I. I don't know.

[Duncan Trussell]

No one knows.

[Christina P.]

And somebody needs to tell Whoopi that. That she looks absolutely insane. Can you bring up a picture of Whoopi Goldberg? Currently, this is. I don't know what is happening. And look, as a woman, I. I will image shame her or whatever. The. The word is she looks absolutely insane.

[Duncan Trussell]

You know, it's not like, I think like the. It's when you combine the look with whatever this like, mania, this insane personality.

[Christina P.]

That'S come over what is what, what?

[Duncan Trussell]

Dude, she looks like. Can you pull up HR Giger? Like just any. It's H R G E I G E R.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. And this I remember. Totally.

[Duncan Trussell]

Dude, it's like she went to her.

[Christina P.]

Oh, my God, you nailed it.

[Duncan Trussell]

She's like, can you do HR Giger style? Like, scroll down a little bit? I mean, look, just scroll. It's HR Giger. Like, it's an HR Giger aesthetic. She belongs in some kind of machine network on it. Like, what the fuck is going on, man? And you know what? Look, any way you look, it's just on top of that, it's this. Did you see the Rogan thing that they just did?

[Christina P.]

No.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, my God.

[Christina P.]

Can you pull up. Oh, wait, I saw a snippet on, I think on Rogan's feed. He like, commented on that they were.

[Duncan Trussell]

It is the craziest shit. Just look up, like, the View dragon.

[Christina P.]

Well, and they're so rich and they're so out of touch and they're.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's the like. Yeah. Let's look at this real quick.

[Christina P.]

I wonder if they even have Joe on the View.

[Duncan Trussell]

I would.

[Christina P.]

Or if they want to do that.

[Duncan Trussell]

I would. I think he would do it. It's something I'm sure he would do. This is crazy. Basically, to this guy, Joe Rogan believes in dragons.

[Christina P.]

I checked it. He believes he believes in dragons. He believes in dragons. Did you triple force that?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yes, I did. And he also thinks that dragons, like.

[Christina P.]

I guess like dinosaur type type of animals roamed the earth when people did. Rogan really leaning into this one by changing his ex bio to quote, dragon.

[Duncan Trussell]

Believer is a fuck. That's great. But like, they're so threatened by this industry in this desperate, crazy attempt to dilute it. They're like, he believes in dragons. And it's like. I mean, honestly, he probably does. I've certainly entertained the idea.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. I mean, is there proof against it? No, but I will say that, yes, it's weird that comedians are now dictating the political climate, but better comedians than musicians. Because I feel like musicians have had a stronghold on this for so long.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, my God.

[Christina P.]

Right last. The last time it was Taylor Swift and now it's Joe Rogan.

[Duncan Trussell]

So, I mean, I. I think the.

[Christina P.]

Which he's got better taste in music.

[Duncan Trussell]

Rogan.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, my God. Yeah. I mean, look, Taylor Swift by now. You can't, like. No. Like, you and Tom. She's huge. Are one of the few people. You know, Mitzi would always say, when I was a talent coordinator.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Because inevitably there's some problem comedian who's gotten a lot of success and they're like running amok.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

And she would always be like, they always go crazy for a little bit, honey. And so like, she'd seen so many iterations of, you know, accelerated success.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

The subsequent, like, narcissism, the entourage, the self destruction. Because there's no, like, no one can prepare you for that. The odds of it even happening are slim. And if it does. And so if it does happen, who do you even talk to about it? It's like some un. It's a Mental illness that doesn't even have a name. You know, it's like, what. What do you do? And so you go nuts. But somehow you and Tom are immune to that. You didn't go nuts.

[Christina P.]

I know. You know what's. Thank you. Yeah, I was just talking to my friend about this last night. It's like, I think it's a choice. No. To just be able to do the job of being a comedian. And then when you're done doing the job, you turn it off and you go home and you take a shit and you change your kids diapers and you cook dinner and your kid yells at you and tells you you're stupid and all these life things. So maybe because we have a normal life outside of this shit. It's not everything. It's not. It's not the entire. And I think when comedians get really sad is when they don't have anything to.

[Duncan Trussell]

Anything to ground themselves other than the career, other than the. Their team.

[Christina P.]

Oh, my God.

[Duncan Trussell]

You know, and then the team is just like, banging the drum on the slit. Just boom, faster, faster, faster. Because they're just getting 10%, dude. You know, the more you're making, they got to get you, like, they have to exponentially increase your income. So they're not thinking about your sleep. They're not thinking about the fact that you're, like, gibbering on the phone. Cause you've been on speed for like a wee. See things in the night, the night the night that creature came and said, I should do that. But that's so true.

[Christina P.]

And they don't care. They'll keep kicking you out until you die.

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, these are so many stories of that, of this attitude of just like. It's like a milk cow. And you're just like, just get as much milk out of that motherfucker as you can.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. Like, I remember watching poor Ralphie May, you know, rest in peace, and this documentary about him when he was at the end. And I. It's burned in my mind because we've all performed ill. You know, you've had a fever of 103, but you're in Boca Raton at some shitbag club, and you're a new headliner, so you got to take the gig. And anyway, you're shaking and sweating, and he's telling the joke, and then, like, after a punchline, the audience is laughing, he turns and he vomits into a bucket, like, kind of backstage, and then comes back out.

[Duncan Trussell]

Wow.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, wow. And you're like, if that isn't the best metaphor, for this business, you know, I mean, I remember one time I was at the airport at lax. I had to go to San Francisco to do cobs for the weekend and I just pissed blood in the bathroom. I was like, I'm peeing blood. Better get on the plane. And my brain didn't even go. Maybe you should go to the doctor first. Because show business makes you think that it's so important. There's nothing more important than your fame and your celebrity.

[Duncan Trussell]

And then you smash into the wall of reality and we both have smashed into that wall.

[Christina P.]

Duncan, let's go there. I'm in it. I'm so fucked right now.

[Duncan Trussell]

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[Christina P.]

Who is this one? Where's your fucking liquid death, bro?

[Duncan Trussell]

What are you doing, Krispy Kreme? I don't know. I don't have a. You know what I mean?

[Christina P.]

Yeah, it's reality survival. When you're just focused on survival for months and months and months and months.

[Duncan Trussell]

It trembles through the whole network, the whole web of your community because everyone. And it's good because that thing that you're talking about, pissing blood, puking in a bucket. I can remember after, like, when. Like, when I got my cancer diagnosis, I can remember saying to my doctor, okay, I know you want to do this. You want to cut my ball off, but, you know, I've got these shows lined up.

[Christina P.]

Oh, that's how we think.

[Duncan Trussell]

And he looked at me, he goes, you have cancer. You know what I mean? Like, hey, wake the fuck up. You will die. It will spread through your body. You want to go do the fucking laughing skull?

[Christina P.]

Hey, that's a good one. That's the Alt room in Atlanta.

[Duncan Trussell]

I remember Marshall Child.

[Christina P.]

Marshall Child. Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

But, yeah. So tell me, first of all, how are you doing? Now, you've gotten. You've done the radiation, you've gone through the procedures, but, yeah, you're a mess.

[Christina P.]

Oh, I'm okay. First of all, I want to say, okay, the minute you get diagnosed, your life has changed. You go from being, like, kind of a. Whatever naivete or innocence is left in you is gone.

[Duncan Trussell]

Gone.

[Christina P.]

And you especially, so young. You were in your 20s, right?

[Duncan Trussell]

No, I was.

[Christina P.]

It was early 30s.

[Duncan Trussell]

Early 30s. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

So to go through that, and then you're in radiation with, like, old dying people is such a mind fuck. But anyway, yeah, June 6th, 3:44pm is when my life change. You get that. Oh, I know you're tingling because you know it. That phone call. And the. The doctor likes a. Oh, God, the.

[Duncan Trussell]

Voice, you know, right away, you know?

[Christina P.]

And I kind of knew before because when I went for my second mammogram, you know when like, the radiologist comes in and sits down with you.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, yeah.

[Christina P.]

And then he looks like cancer.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yep.

[Christina P.]

Because he's all bald and hairless and weird and the look on his face. And you're like, I know, I have it.

[Duncan Trussell]

Huh?

[Christina P.]

And I was like, is it like my last summer? Like, just tell me, dude. And he's like, no. You know how they minimize. It's fine. You'll be okay. And I was like, in my dumb comic brain, too, I was like, cool. Well, I got these gigs I got. I want to record a special pretty soon. Like, let's just cut it out and go, right? And I was so fucking naive even, like. So they do a bunch of tests on you, like genetic tests, once you're diagnosed, you know that rigmarole, it takes about two and a half weeks to get back all these tests.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's right.

[Christina P.]

And Tom and I were like, well, we have this trip to Italy planned.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

But literally we were like, well, fuck it. Like, fuck it. I'm already fucked. What's two weeks? And thank God we did go. But that was a lot of delusional thinking, too. Like, I probably should have just gotten straight into surgery and radiation.

[Duncan Trussell]

I remember. But when you were saying the trip to Italy, I just didn't. I didn't understand the dia. I thought, oh, whatever it is, the diagnosis must be different than you are doing that. But you know what? Hey, it worked out.

[Christina P.]

Two weeks wasn't going to kill me. I. Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

I mean, not the most fun two weeks not knowing with that, like, sort of ominous unknown looming there.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. But I have to say, so that was my first phone call was from my doctor. The second phone call was to you and to Aaron. So. God, I'm going to cry even, like, God bless you and your wife for fucking, like, on our talk was like the. I think about a lot of what you said to me that day because it helped me through months. And like, thank God you told me, like, hey, dude, first thing, you're like, welcome to the Cancer Club. And I was like, you're like, it's not a great club to belong to, but unfortunately not very exclusive. These Days.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

And then you're like, plan to take a year down. And I didn't believe that. I was like, no way. I fucking piss blood and get on planes, bro. What are you talking about? I know I do what the boys do. Like, I don't give a. I'll do. I filmed a special eight months pregnant in Vegas. Like, I'm crazy. So that. But you said a lot of good stuff to me, and thank you so much, because the whole time I was like, okay, well, if Duncan. If Duncan's okay, I can be okay.

[Duncan Trussell]

You know, I'm so glad I could help. When I got the.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, tell me about your cause now.

[Duncan Trussell]

Just where that year came from. And I had a similar experience, except I got a call from my agent. He's like, tom Green wants to talk to you. I don't know Tom Green, other than. I loved him, you know, I loved his show. And then so I'm like, oh, of course. And just. That's the. You know, this was the. The beginning of. You know, in all that darkness, there's so much light that appears around you. Like you realize how held you are. People who you don't even know just want to help. And he was like, well, you're. You're gonna. You're gonna be on the bench for about a year. And I thought the same thing. Like, shut the fuck up, Tom. I'll be fine. It's not a year. And, you know, he was explaining to me, like, he told me all about what was in the future. Not in a grim way, just. Just, like, letting me know, here's what's up.

[Christina P.]

What did he tell you? Did he do. He did chemo, too.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, he actually got his lymph nodes removed.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Like, he. Because he had testicular. I don't know if he got all of them removed, but it's a. It's a brutal surgery. They pull your. Like, they have to pull, I think, your intestines out because it's back here. But, you know, he was just like, look, you're going to have to get tests for a long time. It's going to be scary. It was just being very sweet but very honest. And I really appreciated that because it helped me, like, snap out of all of the denial that goes along with so much denial. So much.

[Christina P.]

I was in Italy, sipping on fucking. What? What's that, Steve? The orange drink. Whatever. Yeah, I was in Lago. Did I say Italy?

[Duncan Trussell]

You went to.

[Christina P.]

I love the ice cream.

[Duncan Trussell]

You went to the cast.

[Christina P.]

They're the best. Yeah, I fucking love Those guys. Yeah. I was in such denial eating pizza because your brain cannot. You can. Like, I remember you told me too. Thank God. You're like, hey, this is a lot of a mental game. Like, it's going to be a lot of you not freaking out.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

And I was like, okay, thank God. You know what? There should just be. Duncan is like a guide.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Like, so you got diagnosed with cancer.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Here's what's up. Like, you're gonna freak. You're gonna be in denial.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

You're gonna panic. You're gonna think your life is over. You're not even going to be able to read your diagnosis. For, like. I couldn't even get into what I had really, for a while, because I was like, I don't want to know. Just treat me. But then you have to educate yourself, because now the system is such that they give you choices.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, those are fun. You mean the Vegas style bets? This. The. It's like Vegas. It's like, okay, there's a 95 that there will be no return with this. Now with the other one, it might be a. There's a 96% chance that it won't return, but if you do this one, there is a 4% chance that the treatment itself could cause a return of the. You're like, it's. It's the worst slot machine on earth.

[Christina P.]

I know. And I'm not educated medically. What. Why are you giving me the choice?

[Duncan Trussell]

Right?

[Christina P.]

Just tell me how not to die. And I. And I eventually had to tell them, like, look, I know you New agey. I'm from a different generation, dude. I'm from, like, the era of male dentists with big hands just tearing your teeth out and telling. I'm into white guys in suits telling me what to do.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yes.

[Christina P.]

Just fucking tell me what to do, bro. Yeah, but I went to this lovely surgeon. It's all, you know, these female doctors, they specialize in breast stuff. And I got really lucky. I have great people. But, yeah, I remember being like, don't ask me what the fuck I want. I don't know. I just. I don't want.

[Duncan Trussell]

Especially in that state of consciousness. It's like, how, like, you know, you're still. You know, you're in the first year, so. So the first mess. You're in a dream state still. It's a dream state. Yeah, it's like some kind of strange dream and you're in your. But, yeah, but you got through the radiation.

[Christina P.]

I got through radiation.

[Duncan Trussell]

Jesus. Fuck.

[Christina P.]

Tell me about that. So. So Just so people know, I feel like we should set up what we've been through. I feel like people need to know. Like, you and I had surgeries.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, I had to get my ball chopped off.

[Christina P.]

Got your nut chopped off? And then so I. Yeah, I had a lumpectomy and then I had a double mastectomy because they found a lot more cancer in my tit than they had anticipated. So I had both tits chopped off. They put implants in.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, fuck.

[Christina P.]

And then. Yeah, and then I had to have a corrective surgery because my right tick got infected. So three surgeries in six weeks.

[Duncan Trussell]

Jesus fucking Christ.

[Christina P.]

I had like two major ones. The first one was like eight hours, the second one 10 hours. Like it was crazy. It was gnarly. But here's the funny part is I'm such like a kind of good that I'm a psycho comedian because they're like, yeah, you came out of a 10 hour surgery just popping, Just talking to people, cracking jokes.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Really great.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

But anyway, and then, and then radiation. So I did seven weeks of radiation.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, that's so bad. I could. I could barely get through a month.

[Christina P.]

Tell me, so how long? How many. Yeah, what did you do? So surgery and then radiation.

[Duncan Trussell]

Because like, you know, I've thankfully come out of that dream state. You know, I don't know if you ever really come out of it all the way, but I can't. It's a foggy memory. Cause like my mom's dying of breast cancer while I'm going to get radiation.

[Christina P.]

That's too much.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, yeah, just cancer all around. Crash course in mortality, man. And like. No, it's terrible, you know, happened to me over that month is, you know, I just got real sick from the radiation. So I had to. I would like just be like going, you know, I would go in and get the radiation. You know, by that evening I'd start feeling nauseated. Really? Yeah. And they gave me some rotten drug, by the way. I didn't have good insurance. So it's not like they're like. I got lucky because they were sending me a really advanced radiation place. But, you know, I was sort of. I just. I should have looked more into like how to deal with nausea and stuff. But the they give you for it or that they were giving me was nasty. I was so excited about this wonderful pill bottle. I thought it'd be like Xanax or something. No, it just puts you to sleep. But it's not a good sleep because that's how you deal with it is just Sleep for a month.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh. And so then I would just, like, get these. Like, the only thing I could eat where I wouldn't want to throw up was, like, pancakes.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

And it was gross, man. It was just. And then, of course, the experience of driving.

[Christina P.]

Stop.

[Duncan Trussell]

I can remember being late for my radiation. Some dude cuts me off and fuck. Like, gives me a middle finger. They were like, cancer, I'm dying, you fuck. Like, and that. And. But then also, I remember it was this really mystical moment I had where I'm just sitting in my car in traffic in la. There was like, the Goodyear blimp floating by and holla.

[Christina P.]

La.

[Duncan Trussell]

And I just realized, like, if I die, this just keeps going.

[Christina P.]

All of it.

[Duncan Trussell]

And that was a really cool. Somehow it sounds. It was really liberating.

[Christina P.]

It was like, all of it, babe. And not. No matter how rich and famous you are, they'll forget about you. Yeah. In, like a minute.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, that's right. That's right.

[Christina P.]

The kids. Really, all that matters is your family.

[Duncan Trussell]

And see, that's it. To me, it's like, yes, my mom had cancer. I was younger, but holy fuck. To get that diagnosis as a parent.

[Christina P.]

That was the worst. Yeah. That wrecked me to think that I won't. And still I deal with that anxiety of, like, I. I can't die before these are out of my house. That. That is my reason to live, is to take care of my children.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, that's. That's it. That's really. It is. Comedy's amazing. Being here with you is amazing. But it really does take a back seat when you're just surviving.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

I mean, I just finished radiation two weeks ago, so I'm still like, oh, I just go out into the world now. Like, I've been fighting for my life for, like, five months, and then they. They're like, okay, bye. Have fun. And you're like, what?

[Duncan Trussell]

Like, back out there, kid.

[Christina P.]

Like, I can't leave my. I. I do leave my house, but I'm like, who am I now? Because I'm not who I was before this. I've been. I've seen too much. I know too much.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

So I have to rebuild this identity. Like, who the am I?

[Duncan Trussell]

You know, that's why I did. You know, when I said, welcome to Cancer Club, I really actually meant it in more than a flippant way, because Cancer Club, the rules of cancer.

[Christina P.]

We really should start a cancer club.

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, there is one I'm gonna like. You have to get through the radiation first. We fight every week.

[Christina P.]

Do you Punch each other in your surgical scars. You have to punch in the place that you've lost.

[Duncan Trussell]

And it's great. Cause they think it's gonna hurt. But there's no ball there. No Cancer Club. In Cancer Club, the people in Cancer Club have. I mean, I don't want to call it a secret society, but in a secret society, you're given some form of initiation and some transmission happens. A mystical teaching that perpetually separates you from everyone else. And I can't think of a more mystical teaching than in the midst of your life being reminded of impermanence in such an incredible way. And it instantaneously creates a divide because there's all the people, they know they're going to die, but they don't think it's tomorrow. And so they live like that.

[Christina P.]

Oh, yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

I call them temporal trust fund kids. Bunch of years in the bank, acting like assholes, and they don't get it. And that's fine. There's no judgment. I hope they never get it, you know, Good luck.

[Christina P.]

You don't want to know.

[Duncan Trussell]

You don't want to know. But the moment you get the taste of reality. Reality.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

You are reborn. You're actually. And many people say you can't really experience life until you fully understand death, that you will eventually die. And so that's Cancer Club.

[Christina P.]

In a nutshell. Yes, absolutely. You will die, and there's an expiration date on you, and you just don't know when it is. But when you enter the Cancer Club, you get a taste of like, oh, your date might be here or there.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

And, like, let's hope that what we do to you is going to extend your expiration date.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's right.

[Christina P.]

And you know what's even. There's a few surreal things. There's one of, like, right before I had this diagnosis, I had all my blood work done. I had a physical. And they're like, wow, your cholesterol is down. You're in great shape. You know what I mean? I was like, fucking weightlifting and doing Pilates. I was on the Ozempies. Like, I was foxy and felt great. And that's when it comes out of the blue where you're like, wait, but I feel fine. That's, I think, really confusing is you're like, yeah, but I don't feel up. I don't look fucked up. What do you mean? There's, like, this thing in me that's killing me.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

If I don't. And they're like. They grab you and they just throw you into this. And now you're fighting for your life, and you're like, but yesterday I was, what are we gonna have for dinner? And, you know, let's go to Italy. I thought, I gotta get out.

[Duncan Trussell]

You just.

[Christina P.]

You're so innocent. And then. And then you're laying in radiation. And I. God bless these people that work in the darkest corners of humanity because they're. It's a temperament that you have to be able to, like, deal with all this grief and sadness. But I just remember, like, you lay on the table, and then, you know, you put your fucking arms up. And then they put you. They position you and you've got stickers for weeks, you're trying to hide from the kids. And then they mark you with an X. And then, you know, and then take a breath in and hold it. And the woman says it over and over. Take your breath in. Now let it go. Take a breath in and hold it. You have to hold it so that it doesn't radiate your chest wall.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

And you hear that in your sleep, you know? And you're fucking laying there getting radiated. They leave the room. They're out. The door is this thick. They shut the door.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

And you're just laying there hearing the machines clicking and going around you.

[Duncan Trussell]

That sound. I forgot the sound. Oh, God, that sound of the machine. I forgot. You know what? I'm getting nauseated. It's making me sick thinking about it. Fuck, yeah. Oh, dude.

[Christina P.]

Take it right then and hold it. Now let it go. Yeah. Oh, my God. I heard it. Yeah. And I love the girl that did that, by the way. I don't.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, yeah.

[Christina P.]

But, like. Oh, and the best part, too, is because it's Texas, the music selection was very eclectic. Like, most of the time it was John Cougar Mellencamp. So it's so funny to. You know what I mean? You're like, hurts so good, Darren. Air, air, air.

[Duncan Trussell]

They don't think about the playlist at all. They just fucking throw some bullshit up. You're getting radiated. Fucking hurts so good is on. And that. That's when. That's. That's the best part. Okay? I'm being mocked by God right now.

[Christina P.]

It doesn't get any darker than John Cougar Mellicab as you're getting your tit radiated. And you're like, I gotta just.

[Duncan Trussell]

Actually, it does. When I went. You know, I went with Erin to get. Because, like, think she thought she had a. Something going on. And I was getting checked. And for me, you know, like, you know, the Breast cancer thing is just like. Because it took my mom. It's just like, you know, you.

[Christina P.]

God.

[Duncan Trussell]

But I remember, we're sitting there, they're doing the scan. I swear to God, they are playing Fame. I'm gonna live forever. It's like, you. Fuck you. I got so mad. Aaron says I was like. I was boiling with rage. Because it's like, you can't play fucking fame when you're scanning for tumors.

[Christina P.]

Remember, remember, remember, Live forever. No, I know.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, you're not.

[Christina P.]

No, you're not.

[Duncan Trussell]

No, you're not. And that is. God, that is initially a really hard pill to swallow. But, you know, you get a superpower. Like, it gives you a real superpower. And I love that it shows up. The archetype shows up in, like, comic books. Bitten by the Radioactive Spider.

[Christina P.]

Right.

[Duncan Trussell]

So there's this superpower that you get, which is knowing you're going to die. That is a superpower. Because if you don't. And I don't know how you get there without, like, maybe if you're brilliant or wise or something, even people, you know, die, you could still entertain the notion that maybe you're an immortal and you just forgot or something. But when you are taught that. I'm telling you, like, after this year, you know, you. You can really. You'll find, like, you can get in the moment. Like, you. You get in the moment. You appreciate your kids.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

You're not taking them for granted in the way it could. Pot. It could be possible.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

You know, or anyone around you. Because you. You understand, like, oh, this is. This is. We're. This, this. We're in an airplane terminal and nobody knows when their flight's coming.

[Christina P.]

No.

[Duncan Trussell]

And you know what I mean. We build houses and careers and we all. You know, we like to pretend that we're not all getting in different flights eventually. But that's the reality of realities. And I think there's something like. It's so. You know, wherever there's immense darkness, there's gotta be the antithesis simultaneously, which is way to connect with reality. That isn't Cancer Club, you know, it sounds depressing and dismal. It's the best yet. When you meet the people in the cancer club, the ones who've come to terms with it, they glow. They have a light. They are.

[Christina P.]

It's true.

[Duncan Trussell]

Especially the ones who are dying.

[Christina P.]

Oh, don't even. I know. You know, that's the part, Duncan, is you meet people in treatment and you're like. And I think about, like the day, like, you have to ring your, you know, you get to ring your bell when you're done with treatment. And I felt almost like a survivor. I did feel a survivors guilt because here I am, I'm like in my 40s. I'm not, I'm too early. You and I were both too early to get into cancer club. And there are women in that, in the green room, in the, in the waiting room that aren't going to make it, you know, and that part is really crazy to think that there's people that aren't going to, like, they, I don't know if they're going to ring their bells, you know.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

And you, you know them. Like you sit in these waiting rooms and you chat with women and you know, nobody wants to talk about cancer unless you've had it. And then you're like, what you got? How much time? You know, like you, you got to know the stats and. Yeah, I mean now I, right now, because I'm still so fresh. I, I'm. I enjoy really, really little things. Like we have a cat and every morning I grab the cat and he sits, not iron, I think intentionally on my left breast, which had the big tumor in it. And it's like they know. And he just sits on me and he purrs. And I just have a love affair with this cat. It's so healing and it's like the best part of my day is bonding with this animal. And then, you know, I'm into gardening now. Like I'm growing vegetables hydroponically. Like I'm. Because that's what they. So that's what they said. For any women listening that one in six women are going to have breast cancer. It's not even one in eight. And my oncologist was telling me because of the environmental factors, plastics and the food is. Yeah, no good. So if you can grow it, there's things you can grow in your kitchen. You know, hydroponic stand.

[Duncan Trussell]

Did you get one of those cool things? You got one of those cool things.

[Christina P.]

Put it together last night, man.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh my God. That I. That thing looks awesome. You're talking about that.

[Christina P.]

I'll get you one.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's like an app that like you control it and it just grows.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, and it's AI.

[Duncan Trussell]

Your kid's going to destroy it.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, they will, but I don't give a fuck. I'll beat them. They fucking. I don't know.

[Duncan Trussell]

I don't know.

[Christina P.]

Well, mine are a little older than yours. So if you put the fear of God in them and they won't touch it.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, I think in a maybe. I don't know when we could ever do that. Because if the kids don't destroy, the dogs will piss on it. You'd have to build a wall around it. So. Yeah, you have. So, you know, you have experienced, like two very rare things, if you think about it like one of them. Rare in a good way, which is like, you ended up like, top of the charts, the biggest podcast ever. Massive. All this stuff. You got all this stuff and then simultaneously you got the like, truth of truths and what a strange riddle to get bundled up together. Young kids accelerating, like, business and also a reminder that you're mortal.

[Christina P.]

It's got. God punished me.

[Duncan Trussell]

Is that what you think?

[Christina P.]

No, I don't think that I. Oh, here's what I really think and it's. It's going to sound crazy, but I've. I've had like my whole life, I've had freakishly weird luck. So I just. I've. My whole childhood, my whole life, I've had like this weird thing where this. Something awful happens to me and then something crazy amazing happens. So I just see this as like a karmic balance for some reason that I. I don't know, dude, I don't know why, but I have always had freakishly bad luck and then freakishly good luck. Yeah, this is my path.

[Duncan Trussell]

But wouldn't you say, and I'm not trying, you know, always. I'm not going to try to put lipstick on the fish here. And it's fucking bullshit when people try to do that. But if you are in cancer club, you are allowed to, like, put lipstick on the fish if it's honest. And like, wouldn't you say that actually, all things being said, you'd have had freakishly good luck in the sense that what you were diagnosed with. Yeah, they treated what you were diagnosed with 10 years ago.

[Christina P.]

Oh, it dead, dead, dead.

[Duncan Trussell]

You know that. So you.

[Christina P.]

That's true. This is. This is freakishly good bad luck.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's good. It's.

[Christina P.]

It's on the spectrum of I got out of it alive, right. I'm fudgeing. And only that the cancer that I did have is rare, like 1% of the population elite. I was like, you got to be fucking kidding me, dude. Like, it was just. That's just it. Freakishly freakish.

[Duncan Trussell]

Are there any theories as to why other than contaminants in the environment or something?

[Christina P.]

Yes. So mine was hormonal and so I believe. And it's somewhat confirmed by my gynecologist Gynecologist, my oncologist, that it was linked to ivf. I do think so. I think I was one of those people, because the timeline of how long it was in my body and the IVF when I did that, and then I was on progesterone and hormones and stuff to. To manage perimenopause. And my doctor was like, that was like a buffet for your tumor. And I was like, fuck, dude, I didn't even know. And I had mammograms. It's not like I was ignoring them. It's that the type that I had, it was flat. It was a sheet. And so it didn't show up on mri. Didn't show up in fucking mammograms. Only salt. Little, little tiny salt crystals showed up. And it had been cooking for five years by the time they found it. And it was 17 centimeters long. And thank God I had huge tits. I had, like, fucking massive, like, black lady bus driver tits. And it didn't penetrate my chest. It was like gonna. If I had waited another day.

[Duncan Trussell]

Saved. Saved by your tits.

[Christina P.]

By massive tits. Wow. Massive fucking tits.

[Duncan Trussell]

Cause that's how it. That's so. That's the path. The way it gets. It masticizes. The way it would spread through your body is it has to get into the chest wall.

[Christina P.]

The chest wall. Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

And so the. You were. Wow.

[Christina P.]

I know. And they took out my lymph nodes. Just like, make sure, like, I'm clean. I was clean. But, yeah, I had some freakish weird type that doesn't show up on.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, my God.

[Christina P.]

I know, I know. And I was like, just cut my tits off.

[Duncan Trussell]

Dude, didn't you tell me you had an intuition or something?

[Christina P.]

Yeah, I did. So I. For a couple of years, I would take my bra off, and it would hurt where the tumor was. And I was like, this fucking hurt. Maybe it's just because I have big tits. Maybe it's hormonal.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

And the doctors will light like. You know how you're like, hey, I got sick from radiation. They'll tell you up and down like, you won't get sick from radiation.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's what they did to me.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, they. They gaslight everything you tell them. So I just was like, I kind of hurt. You're fine, you're fine, you're fine, you're fine. But I also had this weird thing where I, like, I would say. I would jokingly say to my doctors, like, I'm dying of cancer right now. Right? Like, somewhere in my body, like, I'm dying Of cancer. Right. But I don't know if that's just me being a morose comedian, but I fucking. The last few years, I'm like, I just fucking. I think I'm dying of cancer somewhere. And then.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, no.

[Christina P.]

Do you think I knew? I don't know. I might just be an asshole.

[Duncan Trussell]

I think you knew. Fuck, I think you knew. I think it's like, fuck. You know, I can remember at one point having this weird dream. Yeah. This, like, nurse in my dream said, you're sick. You're real sick. And, like, it was before my balls started swelling up and stuff, and I went into denial with that. I, like, you know, it's just like, this can't be cancer. I remember, like, having to loosen my belt on planes because my ball was just hurting so much. I got real sleepy all the time. So, like, I think the more in tune you are with your body, the more you get these little signals of, like, something's amiss here. And the less in tune you are, the. Then, you know, it starts showing up. In dreams, it's trying to tell you, take care of business, not to freak out the hypochondriacs out there. Like, this is the nightmare thing to hear if you're a hypochondriac, because all they do is get signals for their body. This is a different thing altogether. You know, you have to. You have to trust. Sometimes you do need to go to the doctor and don't put it off. Like, that's. It's so important to do that. It's never some. But you know, sometimes, like, you put stuff off, and as it turns out, nothing was wrong, thankfully.

[Christina P.]

So my oncologist, I. I asked her. I'm like, so, like, so what, you just wait until you're stage two and it shows up in your blood work, you know, like, that there's no way to really detect it until it's. It's in there, it's doing its thing. And she goes, well, most of the cancers that I see are incidental. Meaning, God, I have this weird pain in my back. I should go get a CT scan. And they're like, oh, yeah, your vertebrae is messed up. Oh, and what's that thing next to it? Oh, it's a tumor. You have cancer. So most people find out because something else is presenting, right? So she said to me, she's like, look, if you be a hypochondriac, if you feel like, oh, I have a pain in my esophagus, go get a CT scan or get. Get the Scan of it and let your doctor call you crazy. And this and that. Yeah, just do it. You could have esophageal cancer and that's how they find it. But don't go get the full body scan. I hear that's a nightmare. It'll just ding up with scar tissue, you know, like.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, I mean there is some, you know, there's a lot I've heard there's critiques of that because like, you know, there and this is woo woo. Listen. Definitely like, God, don't put it off.

[Christina P.]

Just do it.

[Duncan Trussell]

But there, you know, sometimes, I mean, this is what's crazy about cancer is there are cases, what's it called? Spontaneous remission. You ever heard of this?

[Christina P.]

No.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's so bizarre. Someone goes in and they're starting to figure it out now, but. So there's cases where someone has like late stage cancer, they're going to fucking die. And they go to the doctor and it's gone. And these people are studied, obviously, because it's like, this is a cure for cancer. But one of the theories is that, you know, cancer tricks your immune system into thinking it's like, it's just. It blends in, you know, it's communist.

[Christina P.]

It is a communist.

[Duncan Trussell]

It gets in there, it starts spreading its poison and. Well, and so come to this meeting. The moment your immune system like discovers it maga. Then.

[Christina P.]

You got it.

[Duncan Trussell]

I'm joking. America. The America. But the moment your immune system finds it, it wipes it out. And that's all these new, like, special, like gene treatments for cancers. They tell your immune system, this is not a friend. And then it takes care of the rest. That's the future of cancer treatment is not to like, irradiate yourself or chemotherapy, but to get yourself to like, your immune system, like just tell it that that thing's bad.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. Do you. Do you think there's a cure locked away somewhere?

[Duncan Trussell]

No.

[Christina P.]

And they're like, that is such.

[Duncan Trussell]

I find that to be such horse shit. The idea being that the medical establishment is that connected that like, someone's like, guys, it's actually orange juice mixed with eggs and some watermelon mushrooms. Tell no one. We'll lose so much money. I don't think it's that. I think, I think because if anyone found the cure for cancer, it's not like they would. They would make so much money off of that. Like, it's a cash cow.

[Christina P.]

I know.

[Duncan Trussell]

You know, it might, it might. And I don't. Most oncologists I've met and most people like you're talking about that you run into in that liminal bardo space of healing are like varying degrees of angels because they are in the cancer club. They are. They have day to day to day experience reality. Reality. And there. You mean there's saints out there? You know, like actual saints that you run into there and they're not going to be like, no, don't cure this disease because then we won't make money. I hate that theory. It's such.

[Christina P.]

I don't. I hope it's. Yes, I hope it is bullshit because that's. There's so much suffering. And I'm just so grateful too. I didn't have to do chemotherapy because that, that, that was my biggest fear when I got the diagnosis. You're like, ah, dude, I don't want to do chemo. That looks tough.

[Duncan Trussell]

I'm so glad you didn't have to do that. Fuck. Cause like, yeah, fuck that. It's just firebombing your body. It's. It's so I, I actually told, when I was like looking at those statistics and I went through the, you know, that thing of just get it out of my fucking body. I don't even care what you have to do. Pull my fucking skeleton out and fucking boil it, if that. But I remember telling my doctor, just give me chemo. Just fucking do it. Just give fucking chemo. He's like, I'm not giving you chemo. It'll hurt your lungs. Like, no, you don't have to do that, man. He was right. Thank God. From all to side. Thank you. But you know, the other thing though, about what you've been through and not to like, I don't want to put too much on you here because you're still in year one, but you're going to help so many people now because you, Once you're on the other, you will never be fully on the other side. I mean, maybe you will. I don't know.

[Christina P.]

You seem like you are.

[Duncan Trussell]

I am. But you know, like, there's. There's a lot of words that get used too much these days. Yeah, grief, trauma. Yeah, processing, processing. But you know, with these are all applicable to cancer club. When you get the diagnosis, you have to grieve the old. You will grieve. It's a grief because you have to let go of that old self. That was, you know, the full tarot card is the pre cancer club.

[Christina P.]

And I liked myself. I'd done a lot of work on that person. I mean, I've been in therapy for like 15 years. I dug myself out of trenches, bro. So I was like, I was pretty cool. I thought I had it together.

[Duncan Trussell]

Can you pull up. Can you pull up the full tarot rider? Wait, just so we could just show. This is the.

[Christina P.]

Can I pee first?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Christina P.]

Focus. And I have to push. I drink water and coffee today.

[Duncan Trussell]

This episode of the DTFH has been brought to you by ExpressVPN. My loves. Don't you hate it? Public restrooms. You go in, sit on the toilet, you realize it's one of those doors that doesn't lock. This, to me, is like, as close as you can get to hell. I imagine that's what hell is like. Just having to use the bathroom for eternity and stall, where people keep opening it up and going, oh, you both have to look at each other with that. Gah. It's horrible. It's a horrible moment. It scars you. It actually leaves scars on your brain. According to Neil DeGrasse Tyson, it actually withers your brain. Going online without a VPN is exactly the same thing. You go online without a vpn. What are you doing? You might as well just strip down and dive into a porta potty at Coachella. So. Parasitic wasteland of secret spider codes. I don't know what they are, but they get you. They track you, they connect little things to you, and they follow you all over the freaking Internet. You really want that? You've got to use a vpn. Make it a practice, make it a habit. As above. So below. Maybe if you start using a vpn, you'll remember to draw the circle of protection before you try to channel Enochian entities. Wouldn't want to do that either without a nice. I have to talk to Jason about that. But you need a circle. I know that. ExpressVPN hides your IP address, making extremely difficult for third parties to track your online activity. Easy to use. Works on all devices. Rated number one by top tech reviewers like cnet, the Verge, and the dtfh. I'll tell you what I really love about it. It's easy. That's what I love about it. I don't want to. I don't want to have to spend a lot of time dealing with, you know, like. Like, imagine a complex condom. You wouldn't want that. Some. Some kind of, like, puzzle box inside was the condom. It would be. No one would sell those. Similarly, there's some VPNs out there that are incredibly complex, difficult to install, and a lot of times they don't work. ExpressVPN, you just hit a button and BAM. Protection. IP protected. And if you're in Texas, it opens up a whole new realm of media for you. Right now you can take advantage of ExpressVPN's Black Friday Cyber Monday offer to get the absolute best VPN deal you'll find all year. Use my special link ExpressVPN.com Duncan to get four extra months with a 12 month plan or six extra months with a 24 month plan, totally free. That's ExpressVPN.com Duncan to get an extra four or even six months of ExpressVPN for free. Thank you, ExpressVPN. Can you screenshot that floor?

[Christina P.]

Right, that's all 20, 24.

[Duncan Trussell]

Me and my stupid velvet jacket going out of Montreal.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, that's me. June. This is me.

[Duncan Trussell]

June 6, 3:40pm yeah, I didn't remember the exact date, but this is definitely me right before going to the doctor. And I'd already planned. I'm like, dude, you're a hypochondriac. After this, to reward yourself, you're gonna get hue light bulbs that change colors.

[Christina P.]

Sweet. Nice.

[Duncan Trussell]

But that's it. That's the embodiment. And there's something very innocent about it. There's something very sweet about it. Looking up at the sky, got your sweet little dog, your cool outfit.

[Christina P.]

The sun's on your back.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, it's a beautiful day. Life is sweet, Everything's great. And off the cliff you go, there's.

[Christina P.]

The cliff and the mountains are behind it. He says, yeah, and you're, you're little.

[Duncan Trussell]

Nap, your little knapsack full of your tricks. In your knapsack, you got all the little things you need. And this to me, well, this is the zero. This is the beginning of the major arcana story in tarot. This is all of us. This is the initiate. And so, yeah, this is the situation of so many people. And you have gone off that cliff and now you're picking yourself up, which leads to the. Will you pull up the magician tarot? The next one.

[Christina P.]

I spent time with death, so that's funny. That zero is the fool. I hadn't put that together.

[Duncan Trussell]

Not even alive yet. Not even a thing. Just the next one is the magician, which is the. You know, this is a. You could look at it as like an evolution, a charting of like what, like spiritual growth, however you want to put it. But scroll down, you've got the. Now this is the infinity sign. All the different, all the different symbols in the tarot are on the table. So this is actually. Now that you have like, experienced catastrophe. You can now begin to. In a. More. In a. As a human. You're a human now. You can actually start, like, finding real balance. Because how can you find real balance, you know, when you're falling off a.

[Christina P.]

Cliff now, And I think you're right. There's the fool. And then now putting it back together to make sense. And also, like, I can't live the way I lived before. It's not gonna happen.

[Duncan Trussell]

You can't.

[Christina P.]

You literally can't. Your body won't permit it, and your emotions won't permit it. I cannot be as cruel to myself physically as I was.

[Duncan Trussell]

You were being cruel to yourself.

[Christina P.]

Meaning. Meaning I'm living my life. Okay, It's Friday. I'm gonna fly to Denver. I'm gonna wake up at, you know, 4:30am Sneak out of the house. Don't wake the kids up. I'm gonna get a plane. I'm gonna fly to Denver. I'm gonna do two shows that night.

[Duncan Trussell]

I'm gonna do.

[Christina P.]

I'm gonna sleep during the day. Tomorrow I'll be fine. It's fine. I just have a little wine the night before. It's fine. I'll just eat some chips in the hotel.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Next morning, I'm gonna wake up, you know, and then do two more shows. And then I'm gonna fly home. And then I'm gonna jump right back into motherhood. And then I get. It's too much.

[Duncan Trussell]

You're making me feel bad. I actually am doing that now. But, you know, it was a different. Actually it was testicular cancer. If you're going to get cancer, that's a great one. If you have to pick cancers at a cancer buffet.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Pick testicular cancer because it's a very treatable cancer. I mean, you truly, like. Yeah. You. And, you know, maybe one day you could do that every once in a while. But all. Yeah. That now it's all about. And that is the other. Like, this is the other sort of silver lining is like. And it's interesting to me because I feel like the whole fucking planet with COVID got this bizarre kind of summer break. This sort of everything shut down. And they got a sense of real. And they got a sense of. And you now not only, like, should do that, you kind of have to do that.

[Christina P.]

You have to do it.

[Duncan Trussell]

And that's a lot of people, you know, they don't get that.

[Christina P.]

No.

[Duncan Trussell]

You know, until, like, they're old and they retire and they're all up on sedatives and stuff. Like, now you are in this kind of like, you know, in Tibetan Buddhism and lots of forms of Buddhism. These. These Tibetan monks, they'll go up into a. Up into the mountains, into a cave for years.

[Christina P.]

That's what I want to do.

[Duncan Trussell]

You're doing it.

[Christina P.]

I know, but, like, I feel like I. Like, I need to really fucking think about what's happened to me. Like, I wish I had more words to put to things, but they're so. It's so murky and jumbled and I would like to go sit in a cave for a year and just make sense of everything. But I have this life that I enjoy and I will tend to and. Yeah. What was I gonna say, though?

[Duncan Trussell]

I don't.

[Christina P.]

My brain is still radiated.

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, at least you have an excuse. I don't remember at all, but what it is. This is the thing. Like the.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, it's a lot.

[Duncan Trussell]

The symbols, the whole cave bullshit, or the monastery or the.

[Christina P.]

That's what I wanna do. I wanna go to an ashram.

[Duncan Trussell]

You're in it.

[Christina P.]

And just fucking meditate all day.

[Duncan Trussell]

You're in the. No, I think that there's that west, like, when you. You've left an entire paradigm entire, like.

[Christina P.]

Oh, my life is done.

[Duncan Trussell]

You've seen the set dressing.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

You're the Truman Show. You've walked off set.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

You're off the. You're off the grid now.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

And you don't need to go up into the mountains to do that. You just have to, like, keep, you know, remembering. You know, this is like the Ram Dass Foundation. It's love Serve. Remember Everybody. Like, one take is Remember God. But I read it's, remember, you're gonna die.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, I do, too. And I was always very existential before this. Like, I've always loved reading existentialism and darkness and stuff. You know, I was a goth girl.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

So this, to me was like, all right. I've been preparing for this my whole life. Like, I. My first surgery, they're like, you can go. You can go down to any song you want. And I was like, great, Bauhaus, put it on. Let's go. Like you did. They put me under to Bela Lugosi's dead. Yeah. And I was like, fuck it, we're just going to go dead, undead.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, my God. You are. You know what? You are now the officially the coolest person I know on earth. No, that is.

[Christina P.]

That's so dark.

[Duncan Trussell]

So cool.

[Christina P.]

Really?

[Duncan Trussell]

Are you fucking kidding? I love that song. And I, like, will only play it for myself on special occasions because the buildup is too much. I have to be in just the right mood. Oh, my God.

[Christina P.]

But yeah, but isn't.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay, isn't this what's beautiful about goth is like, yes, it's depressing, but you know what? It's beautiful.

[Christina P.]

It prepared me for the darkness.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

The dark side that is in all of us. And I think that's the other part of this is like, dude, there's so much. There is so much suffering and there is so much darkness in life. And how do you reconcile that? How do you fucking walk around knowing that there are people right now dying of this and that and the other? Meanwhile, there's like adorable five year old skipping right now.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

You know, flowers are blooming. It's the dichotomy of that. I can't. My brain right now cannot. I can't wrap my head around it because I've been through so too much suffering around other people. I'm saying, like, yeah, talking to them and yeah, it's like, how. How do I. I don't know, it's like going. Have you ever gone to, like a war zone, like, to do standup ever, like the uso?

[Duncan Trussell]

No.

[Christina P.]

Oh, yeah. It's like when I came back from. I did Afghanistan like a million years ago, and when I came back, I felt the same way, like, similarly, where you're like, okay, I've seen, oh, yeah, the atrocities. I haven't seen the shit that the soldiers see, but I saw their faces. One time I did shows with the men that had just come back from, like, patrolling for two weeks, and they were sitting on their rucksacks, just like their eyes were down and they were dazed. And I. Here I am feeling, hey, guy, you know, and that kind of stuff, and seeing, like, kids who had been blown up by IEDs, like, you visit people in hospitals and to see that suffering. And yeah, it took me a while to come back to civilian life because on some level, I don't understand fully being in war, obviously, but I kind of understood it because I would come back in the grocery store and now you're like, you know, like, you're like, wait, I'm supposed to care about this? I'm supposed to.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's right.

[Christina P.]

Buy stuff and just go on.

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, it's very synthetic, isn't it? It's like you sort of. You do get a glimpse of, like, consumerism, the illusion of immortality, that is. You have to keep that up if you're going to get people to buy stupid shit. If, like, there was a global recognition of Mortality. I don't know how many people are going to be out there excited for the new iPhone.

[Christina P.]

And I. And you want to know something ironic? I'm not going to shit on it. Because the first thing that happened, actually, when I got this was I started to really appreciate material things, weirdly, because I've always pooped. I've always, like, poo pooed them. Because my parents were communists. Like, not. They weren't communists. They were raised in communism. So my whole upbringing was like, don't be materialistic. Don't think about this shit. This is temporary. Just deal with this. The opposite happened to me where I was like, I think I like Prada. I think I'm just gonna buy a bunch of. And I just bought a bunch of online people are like, you're dressing really well. I'm like, well, yeah, I just shopped online for the last five months. But I, like, now I. I enjoy driving my car. Like, that's a good car. And before I would feel guilty or weird, and I'm like, no, I'm just going to enjoy. Yes, this thing is fine.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, that's it.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Direct contact, man. It's like, yeah, you just. You. It peels away this, like, this callous.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

And for better or for worse, because it's, you know, for me, it's like, you know, oh, my God. Well, like I just said, I wouldn't do this. I guess I'll do it. My boy said to me, dad, you know, if you died, I. I'd be fine. He goes. He goes, now if I died, I wouldn't like that.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

And like, I knew what was happening there because, like, they're both. You know, when your kids start encountering, like, the reality of death, they. They shield. They. They want to shield themselves. They want to lose their parents. It's a nightmare. Remember when you realize your parents would die, how fucked up that was?

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. So. And I, you know, in that moment, I'm like, oh, man, oh, man.

[Christina P.]

Feels good, right?

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, it felt so good.

[Christina P.]

All the sacrifice that you've been, you know, all those road weekends.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, he was in the. I immediately carried him out to the learning shed. But, you know, I. But you know, in that moment, you know, when you've experienced your own mortality and you know that you will die and you've seen your parents die and you know that, like, eventually he will live in a world minus you, you know, and which you have had, are no doubt still grappling with. And. But so the other thing, aside from, like, it allowing you to, like, actually be a hedonist in a way that you can't be. Yes. Also, your heart is gonna get broken all the time because you actually understand this. Like, how do they put it? Well, it's almost unbearable. Almost. It's bearable, but almost unbearable. The love. Almost unbearable. The sort of incredible, for lack of a better word, like romance of existence that you must inevitably say goodbye to the physical form.

[Christina P.]

Oh, my God.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, fuck.

[Christina P.]

Fuck, dude. Well, yeah. Cause it is more fucked for the cancer clubbers because now you. Now my pace of life is so slow. Whereas before I was always hurrying. Gotta go on this plane. Gotta go to the pine can, and now gotta move now. I do. I do one thing a day.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, great.

[Christina P.]

And I'm really. Yeah. I'm enamored of my life. I'm enamored of my children. I. Yeah. I lay in a hammock every day.

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, you can't. You're human now.

[Christina P.]

Yes. And my relationships are way deeper and way. I'm way more there for my friendships and relationships.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, my God. When Aaron and I were at your house, I remember sitting there. It was you. I'm telling you, like, you are such style. Like, it's so cool. And I'm just sitting there, like. I mean, I didn't want to voice it because what a miserable thing to voice at a dinner party. But I'm looking, thinking, you can't leave us. Oh, you know, and that. That's for. That's.

[Christina P.]

That's the pain of it all.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. You must face that reality. And you. You, You. You have to, like, just de. Like, to me, that is not a bad thing to feel about the people that you love and to shield yourself from that, I think, is to, like, essentially, like, put, like, gardening gloves over. Over your heart. Why would you want to do that? You. You. You have to, like, you know, live in that world as much as you can. I don't want to live so hard.

[Christina P.]

It's so hard because. Especially if you grew up with parents that you were constantly betrayed by your parents. Right. Most of us. Why. We grew up in a certain generation. It's just. It just is.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yes.

[Christina P.]

Or. Yeah, you. It just gets harder with age. But then the cancer club breaks you. Right, Right. Open wide. Open wide. Open wide open.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

And I almost to the point where, like, the thought of doing stand up now even is. It's so intense to be seen like this. Even at first, I was like, I don't really want a podcast. And I didn't for a long time.

[Duncan Trussell]

Thanks for doing it.

[Christina P.]

No, I love you, of course. But now I'm getting more comfortable, like, with being seen.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Because you just don't. You don't. I don't know. I'm too. You're too ripe. You're too vulnerable.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's right.

[Christina P.]

Too juicy. Right now you're so.

[Duncan Trussell]

You were just born.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, I know. Wait, so what do I do, Duncan? What do I do with this newness?

[Duncan Trussell]

You know what I think about? There was this Zen Roshi at this retreat I went to, Joan Halifax, and she was this whole beautiful talk on the Zen koan, which is, you know, the insane question they ask you after you've been meditating in a mo, like, usually a mon. A monastic situation. You're just like. You go insane. Like, if you've. Like, Jesus, God. These Zen. They are wild. And you just sit and stare at a wall and, you know, some of them, like, there's a dude when you start nodding off who comes and smacks you in the shoulder with a stick, and you thank him because you. You. You don't want you. It brings you right back in the moment, but you've been doing this, like, so long, you're going a little nuts. And then the Abbott, I guess, will say to you. It will bring you in for an audience with him, and then we'll ask you, like, an impossible question to answer. Like, there's a whole list of these koans, and you'll try to be smart and answer it, or clever Ram Dass talks about doing this. And, like, you know, but eventually you're so insane that when they ask you, it just pops out spontaneously. You didn't plan it. It's like you vomit the answer. And it is the answer. The answers are written down for these fucking things. Like, it just pops out of you. What? Yes. It's weird. And. But so. But she was talking not about the answer. She was talking about the feeling of not knowing.

[Christina P.]

Oh, yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

And. And how you part of, like, you know, what humans desperately try to do is answer the question before they know that before they can. And in cancer club, you know, now when your phone rings, it's a different kind of ring. I know what test is coming back. What will the. Who will call now? Because someone might be calling to tell you you have a month left to live.

[Christina P.]

Oh. And you never had that phone call before.

[Duncan Trussell]

You never had that phone call. So you have to live in that unknowing state, and you have to find a way not just to, like, live in there, like, in a survival way, but to that. That unknowing state, as she was saying, is actually the human experience. Because it doesn't matter if you think you know. It doesn't matter if you think you know what's coming next week or the week after or what your paycheck is or, you know, it doesn't matter. Because human life is not just impermanent, but wildly impermanent. Think of Brody.

[Christina P.]

No, don't. I know, dad.

[Duncan Trussell]

Think of all of our.

[Christina P.]

I know. It is. It is. Yes. And it start. It's terrifying. And I. It's terrifying because on the one hand, I remember when you told me you're like, this is more of a mental game. This is a mental game. And you're right, like, cancer is. It's physical, obviously, you're fighting your immune system's battling this. Whatever, surgeries and radiations and all this shit. But, like, I remember sitting in fucking hyperbaric chambers every day for, like, trying to heal because they told me to go do that. And I was doing it two a day at one point, like, for. It was horrible. And you're in these chambers alone, and you. The sounds and it's cold and it's weird, and you're just like, God, this is so. Such a good metaphor for this whole journey of just being alone in this weird submarine. And how am I not going to go crazy in here? Okay, let's think about this. Ah, you like the Royal family? Should we listen to a book about the royal family?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Okay, let's listen to that. Okay, let's listen to this. Let's draw. Let's draw. Let's draw on our arms.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, let's.

[Christina P.]

Let's draw about tattoos. Let's make a tattoo. It's back and forth with that, right? I was like, I'm really into gardening. I gotta do that. And then. And then the realization, like, the big epiphany or sometimes even forgetting you have cancer. Oh, yeah, that's weird. We are like, I'm just like a person. I'm normal. Ah. And then you remember, like, no, I'm not. I'm not normal anymore. Not normal anymore.

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, I'm done. Well, you know what? You are. You're super normal now. You're super normal. No, this is. I, you know, the. The main, like, what I've heard all the teachers that I love say in regards to this situation that in, you know, in Buddhism, like, this was the. You know, he's stuck in this fucking palace. They've. He goes on, you know, according to the myth, he goes on a He's riding in his chariot.

[Christina P.]

Oh, is this Siddhartha?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. He sees an old man.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

A dead man and a disease man. And so this is old age, disease, and death. These are the three conditions. It doesn't matter how rich you are. It doesn't matter how famous you are. It doesn't matter anything about it. You are subject to these three situations when you are alive. And so the reason that now you're human is because, as opposed to being in the realm of the gods. The realm of the gods. The gods don't understand death. They live for millions of years. They actually are temporal trust fund kids. And so they. The gods in Buddhism. The realm of the gods. It's. You can look at it as a metaphor, you can look at it as real, whatever, but they're generally looked at as, like, dummies. Like, you don't want to be a God. They're dumb. They're so dumb. And it's not their fault. They live forever and they're like. They can just, like, gratify their senses all the time. And there's more gods than there are humans in this analogy. And there's more gods on this earth than there are humans, because most people are either in the realm of the gods, just hopping around from one thing to the next, the fool on the cliff, or they're in the hell realm, which is like, they're in a desperate, constant state of need and pain. And both of these situations are not conducive to waking up. And so the general sort of like teaching that I hear over and over is, take it easy, man. Like, you know what I mean?

[Christina P.]

That's like a set. That's so 70s. Take it easy, man.

[Duncan Trussell]

No, really, take it easy. Now is the time. I know you will. The best way I've heard it is this is the best thing. It's kind of brutal, though. You're standing on a floor of razor blades. It is so painful, and so the pain is so intense that you look up and you actually fantasize there's a beam there that you can pull yourself up onto the beam to get off of those razors. And these are your delusions of immortality or the various escape hatches that you concoct to get off of those blades. And so you will burrow into this delusion or that delusion. And it doesn't really work, though, for sure, because you still feel it. You still feel it. It's always fucking there, of course.

[Christina P.]

Well, that, for me, that's what. Let's say being a Successful comedian was.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

It's. It's immortality in a way, right? You are. You're special people like you.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, yeah.

[Christina P.]

It's great in a way. Right.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, my God. Look at what you. And it's your defense mechanism. You come out of surgery, you're cracking people up.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

And everyone's like, wow, you're doing great. It's like, oh, yeah, I'm doing fucking great. Throwing up my tail feathers. Because I'm fucking absolutely traumatized right now. And this is all I know how to do to gain some control.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. People would say to me like, oh, you're so positive. And I'm like, what? What choice do I have? Or when they say you're so brave, I'd be so resentful because I'm like, they said they mean well. Obviously these are like well meaning sayings. But it's like, I don't have a choice. I have to be brave.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

I have to be positive.

[Duncan Trussell]

Right.

[Christina P.]

Because this thing will eat me alive if I stop now. Because you're in that fight, the survival thing.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

I'm going to crumble. And maybe that's. Other people can cry. And like, I wasn't like that. I'm the type, like, if I'm in the fight, I'm going to fucking fight. And then when I'm safe and I'm out of that forest.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

I will calm down and I will cry. And that now I'm there where I'm like, that was a trip, man. I don't know what the fuck just happened to me. That was a nightmare. What? What just happened? Okay, well, I got like, I literally just go through the story and then like, figure it out, piece it out. Okay. But I don't have this idea of a distant future anymore, which is so weird.

[Duncan Trussell]

Gone, baby. Yeah, gone.

[Christina P.]

So weird.

[Duncan Trussell]

Infuriating for my wife, by the way, because, like, she loves planning. And I'm just like, oh, okay.

[Christina P.]

Like, there is no distant future.

[Duncan Trussell]

Because there isn't a future for any of us. Because there is no future.

[Christina P.]

I know.

[Duncan Trussell]

And like, that's a fantasy. And that's one of the beams that people like to climb into to get off those razors is like a lot of intense planning and a lot of intense, you know, like, you know, which is, you know. And by the way, you know, all you can do still do these things in Cancer Club. It's just a little different than the way it used to be.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Because you don't quite believe that next year you are going to be performing at Zanies Yeah.

[Christina P.]

It's possible.

[Duncan Trussell]

You want to.

[Christina P.]

Tentative things. Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

And that sounds dismal, but. But this is the. I think the. This is why you and I. I think or one of the reasons we're friends is we love existentialism.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

I love Camus.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

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[Christina P.]

Yeah, okay.

[Duncan Trussell]

And I. And I love. The other thing that happens is like as you're walking to get executed, as you're in the concentration camps being marched on a death march, you remember someone you love, right? And all you feel is love. There is no death march. There is no. Somehow this transcendent reality in the midst of the Truman show, shit emerges that is not subject to any of the bullshit and that I think you have no Choice. But to begin to, as much as you can, align with that. I certainly don't do it all the time.

[Christina P.]

No.

[Duncan Trussell]

Because it hurts.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, well, I've. Yes, it does hurt, but that place of love you're talking about, that it's a weird, transcendent place. Right. And not romantic love, just love love. And it's weird because I held a lot of anger towards Mommy and Daddy. There was a lot of anger about situations in my past, and it just washed away. It's fucking crazy how like this, so many resentments towards family dramas or whatever, is. Doesn't matter anymore. It's gone.

[Duncan Trussell]

Good sign.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. It doesn't. It doesn't mean I want to call them and kick it, but it does mean, like, I doesn't. It doesn't register. It doesn't ping me. Yeah. In the same way.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Have more compassion for them. More compassion for the past. And now I just have to have more, like, sensitivity and compassion for myself. I think in the next couple, however many years it's going to take to become the next iteration of whoever I am, that's going to be a whole fucking. I don't know, dude. I don't know who I am. I'm totally. Totally. I mean, that's a great philosophical problem. Right? I had a philosophy teacher say, like, hey, every seven years, all your cells.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Completely changed. So then does that mean you're the same person you were seven years ago? Like, you know that philosophy 101 question and it is true. Well, what am I now? I'm stripped down.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. What are you?

[Christina P.]

The am I?

[Duncan Trussell]

What are you?

[Christina P.]

I don't know.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, I don't know.

[Christina P.]

I'm a meat vessel. I'm a meat vessel that had a real problem. They corrected the problem.

[Duncan Trussell]

The meat.

[Christina P.]

The meat's cool now.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

The vessel's. The brain is. I don't know. I don't know. To reconcile that.

[Duncan Trussell]

Did you ever get into Schopenhaunhauer?

[Christina P.]

Schopenhauer, Wagner, Schopenhauer, Nietzsche, These guys. I couldn't understand him. I think I tried. I didn't.

[Duncan Trussell]

Now you will revisit. I'll send you the one I'm listening to. But I mean, he's essentially just taking like, Eastern philosophy and reframing it, you know, in a definitely, like, hard to digest way. But, you know, he's sort of pointing out this. This thing you're talking about, this what the fuck am I? Which you will, like, if you've taken off lsd, you will be like, what the fuck am I? And you know that subject object is his, Right?

[Christina P.]

Right. Yep, yep, yep.

[Duncan Trussell]

So, you know, you're aware of your thoughts, you're aware of the meat vessel, you're aware. But via that awareness, there is sort of. Everything becomes an object of awareness. And that awareness, that's what you are. But the problem with the awareness, or you're the convergence of the. Of the subject and the object and this sort of bizarre thing that appears via that convergence that you call an identity or something like that. And that is emptiness in Buddhism. And that is really a perplexing thing because, you know, when you are stripped, when everything's stripped down and you do recognize, you know, like, what is it our Lord Jesus Christ says, don't store up your treasures on Earth where the moths. And what does he say? Rust doth. Kraps store them in heaven. And you realize, oh, my God, that moment you realize all this shit, it's going to end up in a Goodwill.

[Christina P.]

Oh, dude. Oh, dude. Let me tell you, my mother, she passed in 2015. She would buy silk, silk couches, okay? White silk couches. And we had a whole living room full of things that nobody sits on. Just white silk couches. Don't sit on my white silk couch. I heard that a thousand times, right? Well, what do you think I fucking inherited when she dropped dead?

[Duncan Trussell]

White silk couches.

[Christina P.]

And guess what? I did give them right to fucking Goodwill.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

What am I going to do with vit silk couches? I have no use for all this shit that I was told to stay off of. And can you imagine devoting a whole room to your beautiful house? A room in which nobody can sit.

[Duncan Trussell]

Can't even sit.

[Christina P.]

And I remember, philosophically, as a teenager being like, this is absurdity. This is the very definition of absurdity.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Why would you have a room that nobody uses? Shit you don't even use.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

This makes me crazy. Yeah, but to your point, so consciousness, you're saying awareness is it. That's the. I am. That's the thing.

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, it's something about the. I mean, that heartbreak comes from not just consciousness. It comes from consciousness connecting with. With the impermanence of the world. And then something appears in that, this, like, unbearable, like, love situation.

[Christina P.]

Attachment to it, they say. Attachment, right?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, attachment. Because you get attached to the physical form. And it makes sense because the physical form, you associate that with the love. It's like, you know, this is like what anyone who's making any kind of addictive anything they want to sell, you know? My God, like, the classic example being Vapes. Jesus. Take nicotine, sugar, and put it in a fucking little Star Trek thing that glows. You just look at the thing and you think your body wants it and you've been fooled. And similarly, like, you know, love, you. You start thinking, oh, love is like inside a person, right? It's in the person. If I. If I die, then all then I. Whatever I had to offer is gone. But really, what do you have to offer in a maelstrom of change like you, it's. You're in a fucking centrifuge of atoms. What really you have to offer here other than love?

[Christina P.]

That's so true.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's all you got.

[Christina P.]

I'm a good cook.

[Duncan Trussell]

I cook you. You know what? Yeah, but the Hare Krishna say, don't eat out, because if your chef is, like, having a bad day, let's say your chef is like a Jeffrey Dahmer. He hasn't been caught yet. All their energy goes into the food.

[Christina P.]

I believe in that.

[Duncan Trussell]

So your love gets in the food, though. You are a conduit of love. Love sounds like a bunch of hokey fucking bullshit. And honestly, I cannot really. I don't know at all what to do anymore. And I. The thing with grief is you think you're out of the jungle, and then all of a sudden, boom, you're hit with it. You're right back there in the doctor's office. You're right there when the phone rings and you get the diagnosis. You're right there again. And so the idea that you will. I mean, they say, written on the gates of hell, abandon all op you in your ear.

[Christina P.]

Right?

[Duncan Trussell]

And everyone thinks that's a really grim thing, but sometimes I wonder if that's like, a compassionate instruction, you know, like Meister Eckhart says, the little hobbit guy. The part of your soul that burns in hell is the part that clings to life. Oh.

[Christina P.]

Man.

[Duncan Trussell]

You know what I mean?

[Christina P.]

Yeah. Yes, I do.

[Duncan Trussell]

We gotta.

[Christina P.]

I do. But that's why I have a goth room in my house. Because I think that there's something to the acknowledgment, the constant acknowledgement of that side of the force.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's right.

[Christina P.]

It's just there.

[Duncan Trussell]

Shiva.

[Christina P.]

Fucking do.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Christina P.]

And how many. How much are you gonna buy? And I was very guilty of that during my treatment. I just bought stuff. But, like, how famous are you going to be? How much money you're going to have? How much are you going to collect before you realize this is. None of this really is the important. It's Fun. It's cool. It's not the big. It's not the big cheese.

[Duncan Trussell]

No one's really, like, the reality. Like, you know, Erin loves you so much.

[Christina P.]

I love her so much.

[Duncan Trussell]

And I can't even imagine how many people. How many people, like, she's the best. Have good days just because they're your friend. And really, I mean, if you're looking for some kind of actionable thing to do in this, like, grief state, just. You don't really need to do anything. And that's frustrating other than just.

[Christina P.]

Just keep being.

[Duncan Trussell]

Keep being you and trust. Because, you know, last thing I have to say about this, because there is no. There isn't anything. There isn't a fucking TikTok. Here's what you do when you realize you're going to lose everything eventually. Listen to 350 MHz frequencies with a crystal ball.

[Christina P.]

But we need to do those TikTok Stuncan.

[Duncan Trussell]

When my mom died, this Zen Roshi at Ram Dass's house said, you know, people have all kinds of. They say to you, and you're just, whatever, shut the up.

[Christina P.]

Don't say anything.

[Duncan Trussell]

Zen Roshi, the real deal. Shaped head, like, walks around with this bizarre, like, strength. It's terrifying and beautiful. And I remember she said, a window is open for you, and it's going to close. It will eventually close. So while that window is open.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Be in the moment as much as you can, because you won't get to experience this, you know, the thing they're calling grief forever. It'll go away. And, you know, you think you won't be back in the.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. There's always something to bum you out. You'll be dropped in.

[Duncan Trussell]

You'll be back in the. You'll be back in the Matrix again, but you're out right now. And so, God, as much as you can bear it, and it seems like you are doing that, open yourself up to it fully.

[Christina P.]

You surrender to the. Like, on Tuesday, I woke up and I was like, fuck, dude, I am in a dark hole. I'm just there. What am I going to do? And I was like, all right, Pajitsky, you're going to fucking. What are you going to do? You're going to force it away? Are we going to pretend like you're normal? Are we going to try to exercise? Are you going to try to fight it? Are you just gonna be. Just put on the cure and cry a little bit? Yes. Yeah. So I actually was able to. And I was like, all right, cool.

[C]

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[Christina P.]

When you choose to earn your degree online from Southern New Hampshire University, you're saying yes to new opportunities and to new adventures. You're saying yes to something big, something you've always wanted to do. If earning your degree is one of your goals this new year, SNHU can help you get there. With low online tuition, no set class times, and multiple term starts per year, you can set the pace that works for you and save money along the way. Visit SNHU.edu today to get started. All right, this is. This is today. This is what today looks like for me. Cool. And I have to say, like, I'm so lucky that I can just have this time to be.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Because a lot of people that I was in treatment with were like, oh, I got to go teach a class now or I got to go to work now. And I'm like, dude, I don't know how you guys are. How? How? Yeah, how do you do it?

[Duncan Trussell]

That's right.

[Christina P.]

And then I know I knew this woman who was like, yeah, my insurance wouldn't cover getting the full double mastectomy, so I only cut one breast. And I'm like, what?

[Duncan Trussell]

Jeez.

[Christina P.]

And then you realize how lucky you are in that scale of the equation. And. Yeah, but I think what you're talking about, what matters? I don't. I read Martin Buber in college. He's like a, I think a Christian existentialist, I want to remember. But he talked about, you know, your subject object relationship. But then there the way out of that of just being like, separate weird is the I thou, the I thou.

[Duncan Trussell]

How does that work?

[Christina P.]

It's so great. So you know that great moment I was telling you about where I'm petting my cat sitting on my chest and so he uses a horse. He says, you know, you're petting your horse and you look into the horse's eye and there's a connection and there's a moment between you and this horse. That's the eye thou.

[Duncan Trussell]

Wow.

[Christina P.]

The eye thou. It's a different. It's deeper than I it or subject. Object I thou. Yeah. And I've always. I think that's the. What I now, right now really cherish is I thou. Those moments of deep connection, whether it just be to like, my hamster that I. That I hate most of the fucking time or. Right, the kid's doing something that's making you crazy, but you're like, whatever, he's going to grow out of that shit in a year. He's making a mess, they're taking a bath, they're going to fuck it. And it's like, that's the moment. That's cute. What am I going to do? And I. And I. I'm in that cool place now where I hear people talking about stupid shit that they think is important. And part of me gets mad at them because I'm like, why are you fucking. Stop. Who cares? Yeah, that's not. And then, you know, but then I'll. I'll obviously a week from now be joining in because I'll have. I'll get out of the state of like, deep whatever and I'll. I'll be just as trivial, you know?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

But for now I'm annoyed and I'm, you know, like, look at me. Idiots. You guys.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, yeah.

[Christina P.]

You don't even know what's real.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, man. Yeah, that's that and that. You know, I'm so glad you're not trying to get out of it the way, like, you know, everybody. I want I you like, oh my God. Like, I wish that I had more parents because, like, I need to practice for dying parents. Like two is not enough to figure out how to deal.

[Christina P.]

You have more to more to watch them die and ruin your year.

[Duncan Trussell]

I think by like my third mother, I could have done a better job.

[Christina P.]

God.

[Duncan Trussell]

But. But the.

[Christina P.]

Oh, that's the worst death is the evasion of.

[Duncan Trussell]

Of it.

[Christina P.]

Oh, yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh my God. Like, that's part of the fun I wanted to do.

[Christina P.]

That's the game.

[Duncan Trussell]

And you know what? Because I evaded that and because I desperately tried to get get away from and still do. To get get away from this feeling that is so like, I feel like I'm unfairly. Like I'm being a little bit of hypocrite because I try to escape that feeling so much. But the more you do that, you can look forward to unexpected bursts of rage.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. This is like that cool shame camp you were talking about where you came on your mom's house. You were telling us. They scream, crying and beating it out of you. That's the way to go.

[Duncan Trussell]

You're going to end up at a men's grease camp in a hot tub with bros weeping if you don't, if you're not. If you can't do it. But the other thing is, like, nothing to fix. That's. I mean, just kick that idea.

[Christina P.]

Nothing to. Yeah, it's the fixing. And I think for so many years, when I have a bad feeling, it's like, well, how do I get rid of this? I don't want this. And I think too.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Like, if you look for help online or whatever, the first thing, they're like, go out and exercise. Get on Lexapro. And you're like, yeah. Yes.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

But I don't. I don't think you're supposed to just run out of this.

[Duncan Trussell]

Run an ultra marathon. Run into your fucking. Your, Your, Your. Your. Your shin bones jut from your. Your leg. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get a hobby. That's good. Get, you know, get into, like, painting, role playing figures.

[Christina P.]

Right. Or get into alcoholism or get into drugs. I mean, like, now I know more than ever, white people turn to drugs and sex and gambling and all these addictions. You're like that 100%, dude. Yeah. Yeah. It's awful because then you're stuck in that trap.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

You know.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, yeah.

[Christina P.]

It's a trap.

[Duncan Trussell]

And it doesn't work. Oh, my God.

[Christina P.]

It doesn't work.

[Duncan Trussell]

Fucking. Oh, if only booze actually work. That's the path to enlightenment.

[Christina P.]

Oh, my God.

[Duncan Trussell]

Get hammered and fuck.

[Christina P.]

It's the best. Getting hammered.

[Duncan Trussell]

Fuck. Come on.

[Christina P.]

That's the cap.

[Duncan Trussell]

What? Meeting with God. Someone was like, dude, just let them hammer and fuck and everything gets better. And some dick was like, no, it's fully surrendering to the love.

[Christina P.]

It's feeling your feelings and grief. Yeah. Can I tell you what I did that was really weird to me.

[Duncan Trussell]

Let me check and make sure. I know you have an appointment. It's 1222. I just want to make sure I'm not keeping you too long.

[Christina P.]

We're good. We're good.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay, great.

[Christina P.]

Let me just check on my kids. Okay. Okay. Yeah. The weird thing I did. I don't know if you did this too. When I first got diagnosed with cancer, I did the exact opposite of what you probably should do, which is I ate a bunch of processed meats and drank a ton of alcohol.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, yeah.

[Christina P.]

And I. I was very surprised by that, by their reaction, because I've. When I've heard other people getting diagnosed with something, I'd be Like, well, they're probably, like, taking really good care of themselves.

[Duncan Trussell]

No.

[Christina P.]

Total opposite.

[Duncan Trussell]

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, man.

[Christina P.]

Is that what that was? Yeah, it must have been coping.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, dude, like, there's stories of, like, people chain smoking outside of radiation.

[Christina P.]

I've seen them smoke on the way in.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, they're going to get radiation. They're smoking cigarettes.

[Christina P.]

I've seen it.

[Duncan Trussell]

You? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I love that Doug standup joke. You heard his joke? Like, some things are better than life, you know, like, maybe that's it. Just ascribing to self destruction is in fact a righteous move compared to life itself. You know, I just, it seems to me that, you know, you look at the Bible or you look at anyone in a lot of world mythology, it's like the last thing you want is to, like, get called by God. Like, God fucks people up.

[Christina P.]

He tells you, like, hey, why don't you kill your son? So what a dick move. I never liked that story, the Binding of Isaac. Yeah. Was that what it was? He's like, kill your son if you really are into me.

[Duncan Trussell]

Isaac and Jacob, take him up to the altar of Mount Moriah and, like, fucking kill his ass to show me that you love me.

[Christina P.]

What is the point of that? Like, on a mythological, on a loyalty to the father or loyalty.

[Duncan Trussell]

Hold on, Jordan. Jordan Peterson hangs out back. Dr. Peterson, can you help us here? I mean, I think it's sort of like God, what is the point? I mean, sadly, I feel like that is caused a lot of postpartum mommies to make some mistakes. But, you know, like the, But I think the, you're kind of looking at, like a weird sort of precursor to. It's almost like God was beta testing what he was going to do to Jesus.

[Christina P.]

Beta testing. You know, he's like, hold on. They like the sacrifice shit. Should I get good ratings?

[Duncan Trussell]

Jesus is like sitting, playing in the playroom, and he's like, like, looking at him like, wait a minute, what is it? I'm not thinking I could do with you, but, you know, I, I, I do think it's the, it's, it's a very Old Testament. It's a very, it's a very old, It's a very Old Testament, like, way of talking about something. I think it's described in a little less violent ways, like in Bhakti yoga, which is the way it's put in Bhakti yoga. You're sitting in your. The story is the God. What are they called? The Gopis. They're cowherd girls, they're sitting in their huts and they hear Krishna's flute playing in the forest under the full moon. And they leave their lives behind. They leave the candles burning to follow the flute. They forget about everything to go and find God. And then when they get there, they all. I think as the story goes, like there's 108 of them and they all have sex with God. Like God Krishna becomes like all of their perfect lovers. And it's really cool. And I think that's kind of. Maybe that's because Old Testament. What's better than your son, your firstborn? It's like the ultimate thing. And this is sort of saying, yes, but you have to give up everything. No further transcendent. I don't think it literally means kill your kid or. There's so many great critiques of the story.

[Christina P.]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Duncan Trussell]

But, you know. Yeah, so that.

[Christina P.]

People dancing upstairs.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, there. Yeah. It's actually.

[Christina P.]

Sorry, I do have to go, like 10 minutes.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's an ecstatic dance class upstairs. Oh, I love ecstatic dancing.

[Christina P.]

See, and I hate all that stuff. Like I was doing sound bowls. Like I would go like a sound sample class, sambal sesh. And then the lady made us share afterwards. And I was like, I don't want to share. No, I don't want to talk to you. I just trip out, you know, can we please. I don't like any of that.

[Duncan Trussell]

This. Maybe this is what we do. Here's how you combat your grief. Let's start a business. Psychedelic bullshit for neurotics. Come and do ayahuasca. Everyone shut the fuck up. Nobody wants to hear about whatever you saw. We're all going to be quiet and cool. Have some like, booze after. No one has to fucking do any hugging things or, you know, sound bowls. Minus the sharing.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, I don't want to share. It's. It's a. It's a lonely lonesome journey. You should be more of a lonesome warrior. Lonesome. Oh my God, it is, it is, it's. It's independent. There's like nothing you can.

[Duncan Trussell]

These are good signs. When I was. I remember when I was just starting meditating, I had this crazy experience. I'm sitting meditating. Nothing, Nothing. Nothing had been happening. I wasn't on anything. Nothing. I hate meditating to this day. And I'm sitting there meditating and I felt as lonely and heartbroken as I'd ever felt in my life. Out of nowhere. And I called David, who teaches me how to do this stuff. And he goes. That's the practice radiates out from that place that is.

[Christina P.]

Oh it.

[Duncan Trussell]

You have tuned in. That is the situation. Lonely.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's often described as lonely. And like who can. Who can.

[Christina P.]

Who.

[Duncan Trussell]

Who can share this heartbreak with you?

[Christina P.]

No, but, but. And, and the irony is that my relationship was like my husband got better because I forset. I'm more centered in a way. I'm not like leaking energy. Does that make sense where you're like in the game with the other person as much?

[Duncan Trussell]

That's right.

[Christina P.]

It's like it's an internal game more for me right now. I'm really much more introspective and slower. It's probably just because I have a lot more time sit around how's.

[Duncan Trussell]

I mean I'm. It's too. Personal question. But. Wow, man. That's a lot for your family too, huh?

[Christina P.]

I can't imagine. I don't know what Tom is, you know, I don't know. You got. You have to have him on and. And do his side of this because I can't imagine what it's like for family to go through watching someone deal with cancer. It's horrible.

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, you know, it's not as bad as having cancer. That's true.

[Christina P.]

That's kind of not pussies, but it.

[Duncan Trussell]

Sucks all the way. But you know, look, I. There is absolutely no way to wrap this up in any kind of like pithy way other than to say I love you.

[Christina P.]

No, I love you.

[Duncan Trussell]

And I'm so glad that you've gotten through the major healing part of this thing. And you know, Aaron and I were ride or die. We're always. Whatever that means or looks like.

[Christina P.]

I love you so much. You guys are the absolute. My absolute favorite people.

[Duncan Trussell]

Likewise.

[Christina P.]

Love you.

[Duncan Trussell]

We love you. And I'm just so.

[Christina P.]

Can I share one moment?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Can I share one funny moment? The trestles are at my house. This is in the summer before I think the shit. Before the shit hit with the fan. And I had constructed a white trash water slide for my kids.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh yeah.

[Christina P.]

I saw on TikTok.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's so cool.

[Christina P.]

I just took tarps and like put them down the hill. Incredible long. Like 150ft long. And then we were watching the kids do it. Watching the kids do it. Watching the kids do it. And then you, Mr. Duncan, are like, let's go do it. And I was like, no way. No, no. You know, I'm an adult now. I'm gonna break something. And then the next thing you know, the three of Us, Aaron Yumir just down this water slide and I haven't felt that glee in so long. And I'm so grateful that you were like, let's fucking do it, man. I'm like, yeah. Who cares if my tits pop out? Like, I'm fucking. Who cares? That was a good moment.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, my God.

[Christina P.]

Thank you. Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

How do you spend all that time setting up fucking tarps? It's a dream. I've seen those tiktoks and suddenly there it is.

[Christina P.]

So easy. Amazon, babe.

[Duncan Trussell]

Because you could snap. I mean, at our age, it was like, honestly, I wasn't thinking like, you my this old ass. I could easily have just been paralyzed. Like, I could have busy easily. We could be doing this in some. My fucking like, wheelchair. Like in some fancy. I am the lanyard.

[Christina P.]

Oh, and we put baby oil down it. Don't forget, dude.

[Duncan Trussell]

It was extra slick, lightning fast.

[Christina P.]

That's the best, dude.

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, we're gonna do more of those, I hope.

[Christina P.]

Let's do it. Let's do it.

[Duncan Trussell]

Thank you so much.

[Christina P.]

Love you.

[Duncan Trussell]

Love you. Bye Bye. That was Christina P. Everybody. Watch her on ymh. Follow her Instagram. My God, her Instagram is the most incredible handpicked assemblage of the weirdest people posting online. It's a must follow. Thank you for watching. Thank you to our sponsors and I'll see you next week. Until then, be thankful for all that we truly have. Goodbye.

[C]

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[Christina P.]

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