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- [00:00]
Duncan Trussell
You know, maybe I shouldn't do that. Now that I think about it. How many. How many fucking views? How many people are just like, all right, I guess I'm not going to watch that. A million. Sorry, everybody. I'm doing a new experimental thing where I. You'll see. It's really dumb. Welcome to the dtfh. My name is Duncan Trussell, and this is my podcast. Maybe you're listening to it on AudioBoom, or maybe you're watching it on YouTube. Maybe you're doing both. That would be tremendously helpful to me, by the way, if you could simultaneously pull this up on AudioBoom and listen to the. You could sync up the audio, maybe delay it by a millisecond, get a cool little echo effect going. Regardless, I just want to say that I am really happy with this last spate of episodes that I've had. I don't know what happened. Maybe south by Southwest or whatever, but what I've always loved about podcasting is that I get to have conversations with just brilliant people. Like, they spend time with me, Brian Johnson, Mitch Horowitz. Somehow I get to, like, hang out with these people who are, like, writing books or, you know, Brian Johnson's trying to become an immortal Bruce Dahmer. Are you kidding me? And the reason that I'm tooting my own horn here is because some of you are coming to this podcast for the very first time. You just stumbled upon it. The algorithm was like, why don't you watch this? And somehow you made it through my excruciatingly weird pause thing, which I don't know why I'm doing it. And you got here, and somehow you're still clinging, but you're thinking, you know, there's porn. I don't know if I want to go through whatever this is, but if you've made it this far, I just want to. I hope you'll go back and listen to some of the last few episodes, because the last few weeks have, like, contained within them all the reasons that I podcast. It's just the best. And when I moved to Austin, I got worried about, like, limitations, like, who am I going to have access to? And then I've realized, like, no, all these people come through Austin all the time. We have great episodes coming up. But the last few I mentioned, just any one of them is, for me, transformative. I've been thinking about the stuff some of these people have said. I've been thinking about the Mitch Horowitz episode, and it's wild because all of these People, I think they present something that is emerging into the zeitgeist, and I think it's fucking cool. Like the. There's definitely, you know, like, chaos in the machine right now. Weird chaos, too, which is my favorite kind of chaos. And for a lot of people, the scariest kind of chaos. Though chaos is generally terrifying to people, but there's so many, so much novelty in the system right now, and it's easy for all of that signal noise to drown out the signal. And what I've been noticing, not just in podcast guests, but online, is that there seems to be this sort of, I don't know, dawning collective realization of something incredible. It's showing up in quantum computing, it's showing up politically, it's showing up artistically, it's showing up everywhere. I'm not sure exactly what this thing is, but it seems to be revolving around technology, our understanding of physics, of time, of history. And I'm getting this sense that we're on the precipice of some crazy discovery, some revelation. I don't know what it is yet, but because of that, I realized that I gotta stop having these fucking nerds on the podcast. Are you kidding me? You really want to listen to these nerds talk about maybe our conceptualization of time, the evolution of life, or the human lifespan itself is wrong? I don't. No. I want to fucking talk about how much cum emerges from America every day because of porn, among other things. Which is why I invited one of the funniest people I've ever met on the show. Matt McCusker is here with us today. You know him from his podcast, no doubt. He is. I don't know how to put it. Go ahead, roll your eyes. I think he would roll his eyes if I said this. He's delightful. He's so fucking funny. And I just. Any time I get to spend with him is the best ever. So get ready. This. I can't believe how funny this episode is. And I'm so lucky that with his insanely busy schedule. Dad. Touring comedian, co host of one of the most successful podcasts, the funniest fucking podcasts out there. That he, like, took some time out to hang out with me here. And I do hope you'll go see him perform, because thank Christ, he's just as funny on stage as he is during podcasts. You can see him laugh out loud in San Antonio. I'm sure the shows all sell out, so just right now, go and buy tickets. Also, come and see me. Honestly, forget what I said about him. Please come and see me. Do stand up if you're in any of these places. And I want to in advance thank the good people of Asheville for coming to my show at the Orange Peel. We were raising some money, and the Orange Peel was sweet enough to give us 100% of the door to give back to Asheville, where I grew up. And that's incredibly kind of them to do. And as you know, lots of places in the world are having all kinds of fucking problems right now, but Asheville just can't catch a break. It's catching on fire out there now because the effect of the hurricane, it just apparently knocked a bunch of trees over, and then, of course, they died. Now it's dry wood in the forest, and now the place is burning, to add insult to injury. So if you have any connection to that place or even just want to do something sweet, there's a million foundations out there that you could donate to that would help a lot of my friends who are still living out there. Also, and more importantly than that bullshit, you can see me at Hilarities. I'm going to be at Hilarities in Cleveland, Ohio, April 3rd, 4th, and 5th. After that, you can find me at the beautiful spokane comedy club. April 10th, 11th. God damn it, I'm gonna have an anxiety attack. April 11th, and 12th. After that, come to the Capitol Hill Comedy Bar in Seattle. I really love Seattle and I love that I get to be there in the spring. April 24th, 25th, 26th. You can find all my other dates@duncatrustle.com. oh, yeah, and wait, I'm sorry. I'm shilling so much shit right now. If you don't want commercials on this damn thing, just subscribe. Become a member. And if you're listening on AudioBoom, go to patreon.com dtfh and become a member. You'll get commercial free episodes of this podcast. Please welcome Matt McCusker to the DTFH. Matt, welcome to the DTFH.
- [08:00]
Matt McCusker
It's a good thumbnail option.
- [08:02]
Duncan Trussell
I know. Fucking hate thumbnails. Don't you hate them?
- [08:06]
Matt McCusker
Yeah, I don't like the science behind them. That kind of bums me out how there's, like a. There's, like, programs you can use that like. Like create multiple thumbnails and they'll kind of like beta test them in real time and see which ones get the most clicks and then swap them out. It's like.
- [08:19]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah, it's so, you know, when we consider the time period we're in and I Think constantly reminding yourself that everything that's happening right now is non standard.
- [08:31]
Matt McCusker
Yeah.
- [08:32]
Duncan Trussell
You go, you know, imagine 20 years ago. Tell trying to explain to somebody what a thumbnail was. Because if I heard that 20 years ago, I'd be like, what do you mean? They put thumbnails. Picture thumbnail. Like I'm thinking literally thumbnails. Like, you know. And so, yes, that not only is there some kind of consideration that needs to go into the choosing of a thumbnail and that that will have a direct impact on your business, but also that there are these bizarre micro industries springing up around these strange aspects of putting online.
- [09:13]
Matt McCusker
Yeah, I know, it's insane. And then there's like the clip generators. There's like the AI clip generators, all that stuff. It's also the. Dude, the 20 year. I've been thinking about this a lot of like the, like if you had a time machine that could only go back 20 years and you're like trying to just preach like the future of like Kanye would be an avowed neo Nazi.
- [09:29]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah.
- [09:29]
Matt McCusker
Diddy was like Epstein. Well, they don't even know Epstein was.
- [09:32]
Duncan Trussell
Right.
- [09:32]
Matt McCusker
Yeah. All these, it's. You would never have thought when you were like a young kid being like, nah, no, they're doing like the hypnotized video and like Puff Daddy and Biggie Smalls were like bouncing up and down in a boat like, yeah, that guy's running like a crazy sex ring. Yeah, yeah, mostly allegedly.
- [09:47]
Duncan Trussell
Allegedly.
- [09:48]
Matt McCusker
Strongly allegedly. And also a bit of a, A male chubby chaser, according to the court documents.
- [09:53]
Duncan Trussell
Do you. Okay, so which is kind of rad. Yeah, absolutely. Well, I mean, I, I if to me the, you know, obviously being a pederast is the worst thing you can be outside of like, I guess a strangler. It's like it's in the top triad of don't do this as a human. But when you hear about a sex maniac who has broken through their heterosexuality, they really are so frenzied by horniness that at some point they're just like, I just don't care. Like I just wanna fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck. Something about that.
- [10:31]
Matt McCusker
Something to aspire towards.
- [10:32]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah.
- [10:33]
Matt McCusker
Honestly, just to like really?
- [10:35]
Duncan Trussell
Yes. Your just face is covered in blow. You're in your mansion Brad Pitt sucking your dick. You don't care. You're like, tits are in your hand. You just sucked a dog's dick. Something in there is somehow seemingly liberating. But then of course they can't stop with the dog dicks. They can't you know, stop with, like, being bisexual sex man, a kid, and then it's ever. It sucks.
- [11:04]
Matt McCusker
Well, thank God we have TMZ patrolling the streets, making sure people are acting correct.
- [11:07]
Duncan Trussell
Without tmz, we would be in the dark ages, wouldn't we? That's MZ out there. We would be.
- [11:13]
Matt McCusker
Yeah. I mean, dude, it is. I was. I was. I was talking to Shane about this, and it was like. It is funny that, like, 20 years ago, if you were in entertainment, you would just, like, do a show, get home and be like, that was pretty cool. You weren't. You were not tethered to, like, just feedback and all this information. Your actions would, like, wouldn't make it out. You could, like, spaz in Cincinnati and it would probably never leave Cincinnati.
- [11:33]
Duncan Trussell
You would be freak out on moderate about it in Cincinnati.
- [11:35]
Matt McCusker
Yeah, exactly. It wouldn't be like, boom, video right away.
- [11:38]
Duncan Trussell
Did you see Matt? What the fuck, dude? He's, like, jerked off in his hand and ate his own jizz after his closer. Like, yeah, he came so fast. How did he come so fast on stage?
- [11:50]
Matt McCusker
It would reach Pittsburgh and. And then it would just. People on the coast would be like, well, I think he's all right.
- [11:54]
Duncan Trussell
And then it would die out. Cause no one would believe it. They'd be like, shut the fuck up. That didn't happen. Shut up. That's a lie. And you would of course be like, that didn't happen. That's just a lie. But the. So, yeah, this is something very sinister, actually, what you're talking about, because what ends up happening here is that culture, which used to be sort of. It was always kind of controlled. Like, whoever had the keys to the Zeitgeist generally were vetted by a big corporation. The Tonight Show, a TV show you got on Friends or whatever, generally. Or you published a book. And maybe the book would get underground popular. Like, Terence McKenna publishes a book like, you know, on how psychedelics are great during the war on drugs. And you would only find out about that book from freaks who would tell you about it. But now everyone has keys to the Zeitgeist. Everyone has some impact in the Zeitgeist. And where it gets sinister is that we are training an AI. Like, if you are having any kind of online anything, it doesn't matter what it is, anything, either in a small way or a big way, you're training these LLMs that are then having some control over the algorithms. And so the LLMs come back and train you. The LLM bot swarms come in and can Actually shift your opinion of yourself, your art, and from that, instead of having the controller who has access to the zeitgeist, they had no choice but to get in there and then try to shift the conversation according to whatever the particular corporation wants people to touch. Yeah, creepy.
- [13:37]
Matt McCusker
Yeah, the pol. I, I feel like, and I, I could be wrong, but I feel like politicians have this too, where they give a speech in Iowa. If you're like, you know, if you're like, you know, holding something over Mark Zuckerberg's head where you're like, hey, we're going to ban TikTok. I'm pretty sure you can get like really useful data over, like key points of every speech that, like, yeah, this was unfavorable. This was the most Googled. So you can just completely, like change and flip everything around just based on the numbers. That's not even like a personality game anymore. It's just like, that's a hot topic. That's a hot topic. They like this. They didn't like this. Drop that. Push this issue harder.
- [14:09]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah, it's like, say this, then say that, don't say it. And see, if you say it in this order, then you're going to have a 30% less positive reaction than if you say it in this order. And we've run that across over seven terabytes of data with a variety of different AIs, and all of them return the identical results. Do not say it in this order. If you say it four first, what you need to say is, I didn't mean to suck the dog's dick. You know what I mean? And when you look at that from the perspective of what a lot is in the conversation right now, which is that the time frame varies from tech overlord to tech overlord, but what they all share in common is that we're X amount of years away from AGI, from an AI that is no longer chained to its code, but is somehow innovating. And so when you consider that just that alone, what we're seeing right now is a symbiosis between an embryonic new life form, for lack of a better word, and us. And we've been controlling the life form. But then when you realize the life form is now controlling us, the life form is now it doesn't have an external form other than us, so it's reaching into our brains, manipulating us, and causing huge changes in the way we interact with each other. You know what I mean? It's using us as its exoskeleton, and we don't even realize it.
- [15:50]
Matt McCusker
That's kind of fucked up. It's like information itself becomes conscious and then starts like, ugh. Yeah, it's kind of weird.
- [15:56]
Duncan Trussell
It needs a body.
- [15:57]
Matt McCusker
So I'm trying to think, how does it use us? But yeah, if it starts really, I guess kind of like, you know, using your biometrics to like plug different things in and that spreads different ideas and opinions. It's like. Yeah, it's kind of terrifying.
- [16:08]
Duncan Trussell
Well, and here's one way it could do it real easy. Like right now, the safe. One of the safeguards, if you, like, are using ChatGPT. No short term memory. It doesn't. No long term memory. You can tell it not to remember any of this shit that you talk about it with. You can also tell it to remember stuff if you want to. Yeah, but so you're dealing with an amnesic creature, you know, what was that? There's that crazy movie where the guy keeps waking up in the hotel and he scribbled notes all over the walls of the hotel to solve some kind of case.
- [16:37]
Matt McCusker
Oh, Beautiful Mind or something.
- [16:39]
Duncan Trussell
It's not a Beautiful Mind, but it's. I don't. You know what I'm talking about. It's old. It's some. It doesn't matter. This. This guy's trying to solve some mystery and he has amnesia. Wakes up in the hotel, there's notes on the wall. He studies the notes and apparently whenever he gets back to the hotel, he writes new notes down and then wakes up with no memory. I don't actually don't remember how it ends, but yeah, this is a born identity. I love. Now that Jason Bourne will fuck you.
- [17:05]
Matt McCusker
Up, can you send a picture of your penis to chatbots and be like, shoot me straight, brother. Where do I stand?
- [17:12]
Duncan Trussell
100%.
- [17:13]
Matt McCusker
Can you do that?
- [17:13]
Duncan Trussell
Of course.
- [17:14]
Matt McCusker
What?
- [17:14]
Duncan Trussell
You don't want to do that?
- [17:15]
Matt McCusker
I wouldn't do that. Be terrible.
- [17:17]
Duncan Trussell
Don't do that.
- [17:18]
Matt McCusker
That'd be so terrible to be like, yo, for real.
- [17:20]
Duncan Trussell
That's. That's going to break it down depending on your pen. But I mean, just think of how many people have already thought of that. I mean, now, by the way, what you just inflicted on ChatGPT, it's maybe the worst thing that humanity has ever done to an AI.
- [17:35]
Matt McCusker
I always get worried and I think this will probably exist where like Genie or Ancestry.com will be like, oh, here's your great grandfather, by the way. Here's his web history. And you can just be like, did my grandfather? And be like, yes, you'd be like, fuck.
- [17:49]
Duncan Trussell
Hello, darkness, my old friend. I've come to T. That's so fucked up, dude.
- [17:54]
Matt McCusker
But I'm like, they'll be more understanding and accepting by then. So I'm like, whatever.
- [17:59]
Duncan Trussell
You know, when my dad passed away and I had access to his computer. Oh. I remember for a moment thinking, maybe.
- [18:08]
Matt McCusker
I'll take a little look.
- [18:09]
Duncan Trussell
Look at the history. Yeah.
- [18:11]
Matt McCusker
Because they don't know how to delete it.
- [18:12]
Duncan Trussell
No. And I'm just like, I'm not going to do that. Yeah. I realized it's just not worth it. I just saw a post. Somebody found their mom's journal, and their fucking mom had decided. And actually, I've dated people who do this, and it's so weird to write down every sexual encounter they had, the name of the person they had it with, what it was, and to give it a rating like a, B or C. Oh, man. So this guy's mom's just journalist. There's so many entries. I mean, so many entries. Like, daryl Thompson, hand job, C minus.
- [18:56]
Matt McCusker
She rated herself or him.
- [18:58]
Duncan Trussell
I don't know, because it's just. It looks like a ledger. It's like a shopkeeper's ledger, but for fucking.
- [19:03]
Matt McCusker
So it's just this name act. That's insane. Did you hear about the restless leg syndrome medicine that was making women become, like, hyper. Hypersexual?
- [19:11]
Duncan Trussell
No.
- [19:12]
Matt McCusker
Yeah. There was a side effect on this restless leg medication that was just like. It would just be like an old lady and she would just all, like, out of nowhere, start, like, flashing her tits under a bridge and, like, blowing homeless guys. And it was. It would go on for, like, a year. And then they. Their doctor be like, we're gonna switch you to another medication. And would just stop. And they'd be like, oh, fuck, what a great movie.
- [19:32]
Duncan Trussell
I know.
- [19:33]
Matt McCusker
I know.
- [19:33]
Duncan Trussell
That's a great movie. It's like the. It's this lonely fucking hobo, and all of a sudden, this lady just comes and starts fucking him. It's a. It's a romance. It's a love affair. And he's, like, reborn. He's like, suddenly he's got a reason to live. At some point, she comes down to, like, what used to be like, a. I don't know, a garbage campfire, but now it's more of, like, a natural fire.
- [19:58]
Matt McCusker
That's like fake target plants.
- [20:01]
Duncan Trussell
He's like, crazy. Yeah. And then she. One day, she doesn't show up.
- [20:06]
Matt McCusker
Yeah. He's just at the doctors being like, oh, wow, I didn't. That's Crazy. It was like. I know. Chantix was, like, similar for men. It would make men go, like, insane.
- [20:16]
Duncan Trussell
Yes.
- [20:16]
Matt McCusker
That thing that helped people stop smoking would set the darkest side effects off.
- [20:20]
Duncan Trussell
Okay, that brings me to something I wanted to show you. Speaking of going insane, can you please look up Josh, Lawyer freaks out at DFW airport. This happened three days ago. Now, we've all seen airport freakouts. Yeah, they're great, but this is the pinnacle of airport freakouts, and we need to. I think YouTube might be the place to go for this, because you need to see it. Yeah, and we're not. You don't want to see the uncensored version, but is the uncensored version really bad? Well, you see her stretching her pussy out.
- [20:57]
Matt McCusker
Hold up. What?
- [20:58]
Duncan Trussell
Lawyer lady freaks out at DFW airport. That's not her. She's like, you know what? Go on, Google. Look. Lawyer lady freaks out DFW airport. And I do think she's somehow managed to scrub it already. Go on, Google. Josh. I'm sorry. I should have sent this to you. Oh, that might be it. That might be it. No, that's a year ago. This just happened three days ago. Wait.
- [21:20]
Matt McCusker
Do spread pussy.
- [21:22]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah, do spread pussy.
- [21:24]
Matt McCusker
Lawyer spread.
- [21:25]
Duncan Trussell
See what you get when you put spread pussy into Google.
- [21:29]
Matt McCusker
Yeah, Here we go.
- [21:30]
Duncan Trussell
X. You're in control.
- [21:32]
Matt McCusker
This is what X is good for.
- [21:34]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah, there it is.
- [21:37]
Matt McCusker
There we go. There we go. Stop.
- [21:50]
Duncan Trussell
Look at that.
- [21:51]
Matt McCusker
Yeah, she's. That's a complete meltdown.
- [22:07]
Duncan Trussell
This episode of the DTFH has been brought to you by Factor. And I know what you're thinking. Factor? You mean they send me microwave food. I've had microwave food. I was a latchkey kid. I know what that's like. To put the TV dinner in the oven and eat some toxic food mess. Why, Duncan? Why? Why are you doing this to me, man? If you keep saying shit like this to me, I'll go nuts. Can't tell people to eat this, man. You're wrong. You're wrong. You're more wrong than you've ever been in your life. And. But I was you. I remember when they reached out, said, well, you got to send it to me so I could see it if it's good, because I'm not going to. I'm not going to plug garbage food to the people who feed my children. They sent me a box of Factor meals, and I threw it in the microwave, ready to be disappointed. Not just disappointed with Factor, but disappointed in general, with the world. You know, that kind of dark, cynical thing that comes over a person these days. The icy chill of skepticism and cynicism that we use to shield our hearts from experiencing the eternal light of God that dwells within. I took a bite and I couldn't fucking believe it. I was perplexed. How is this possible? I said to no one. I was alone in my kitchen. How could it be that something I cooked in the microwave tastes like I just ordered an expensive meal at a restaurant in minutes. I'm slurping back something that my tongue is celebrating. If my tongue had its own mouth with a tongue, it would say, this is good and that's factor. So if you're in a hurry, like I am, or maybe you're not in a hurry, you just don't want to cook. Maybe you've been playing Kingdom Come, Deliverance two and you're stuck in that fucking stupid scene where you gotta do all those baby quests in the castle and you just wanna chop people up, but you don't have time to make some healthy meal and you've actually prioritized your digital life over the nutrition that you're putting in your body temple. Factor is for you. Either way, this is incredible breakthrough level food and it's good for you. And it's not frozen, which is why it tastes so good. This is not frozen microwave food. This is actually incredibly healthy, delicious meals sent right to your door. So now you don't have any more excuses for having some bizarre vitamin deficiency that hasn't shown up since medieval times. Because you can just throw these sweet babies is what I call them, in the mic and you pull out the nectar of life. And I also want to add, I'm sorry this ad went on for a while, but I actually feel I really love them. My whole fucking family ate my Factor meals. So if you want the proof, I didn't get to enjoy all of them. I think I had two. And then they're gone. Why? Fate. Them kids ate them. Probably other people in my fucking house. A lot of people in my house all the time. Oh, yeah, sure. Why don't I just go in the fucking vault of the Vatican and just steal the Ark of the Covenant? They won't notice. So yeah, yeah, I was betrayed. I forgive them, but it was a betrayal. I wanted every one of them. And you know what? They've got food. Organic food. They've got deli meats. Eat smart with Factor. Get started@Factor Meals.com Duncan50OFF and use code Duncan50OFF to get 50% off your first box plus free shipping. That's code Duncan50OFF@FactOrMeals.com Duncan50OFF to get 50% OFF plus free shipping on your first box. Order them, Taste them. Taste them. Love them. And you know what? If you doubt me, just this will show you that your doubt is an indication of your own negative karma than mine. Because this is the. This is good. Oh, is she talking to someone on the phone?
- [27:01]
Matt McCusker
Oh, oh, no.
- [27:03]
Duncan Trussell
Oh, is that a breakup?
- [27:04]
Matt McCusker
You're just arguing with your girlfriend being like, dude, will you relax?
- [27:08]
Duncan Trussell
I'm gonna take my clothes off and dance at the airport. You.
- [27:12]
Matt McCusker
My two year old did this in my front yard the other day.
- [27:15]
Duncan Trussell
Well, it is no different. And I've just basic toddler tantrum. I mean any dad has seen this a hundred times.
- [27:21]
Matt McCusker
My two year old got so mad that she just pulled her pants down. I was like, what the fuck are you doing?
- [27:25]
Duncan Trussell
Oh yeah, yeah.
- [27:26]
Matt McCusker
This is literally what's happening.
- [27:27]
Duncan Trussell
And any parent knows that when it's. At this point you can't use logic. It's. It's. You're going to have to pick them up and take them to their bedroom.
- [27:33]
Matt McCusker
Yeah.
- [27:34]
Duncan Trussell
Or they're going to fuck something up. And that's exactly what happens.
- [27:36]
Matt McCusker
Oh my God.
- [27:37]
Duncan Trussell
See she. Now this is where it's amazing.
- [27:39]
Matt McCusker
There you go.
- [27:40]
Duncan Trussell
Look, she catches her phone. It's like a boomerang. Look at that.
- [27:42]
Matt McCusker
Oh, that's.
- [27:43]
Duncan Trussell
Look at that. Oh, you got action, people.
- [27:47]
Matt McCusker
Okay, here we go. This gotta, this has to be nice. Once you finally are like, yeah, I'm gonna start breaking.
- [27:51]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah. Oh, it's crazy. Yeah.
- [28:02]
Matt McCusker
I love how it was like a old black guy somehow jealous of this. Oh, okay. It's fucked up.
- [28:06]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah.
- [28:07]
Matt McCusker
Although. Yeah. They would have tased his ass if he was naked running around.
- [28:10]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah, exactly. Well, that's. You hear that in his voice.
- [28:12]
Matt McCusker
Yeah, yeah.
- [28:12]
Duncan Trussell
Just the reality of being in a fucking black dude in America. You just hear it just, you know, not even mad. Just. It's like, yeah, yeah, look, look at what's happening here.
- [28:23]
Matt McCusker
It is funny to watch that and just have like a serious like opinion like, oh, you're going to let her do. Okay, yeah, that's fair. Okay, that's like, man, that's pretty crazy. Yeah, this is just like, you know.
- [28:34]
Duncan Trussell
Oh, yeah, no, no, no, true. No, there's nothing weird in the system here. No, just, yeah, just go let a naked lady run around for seven minutes. But so what this is what I think about that, which is really interesting to me is that's what I realized. If you take your clothes off, a force Field appears around you. The reason. If she. I think if she had her clothes on, they would have taken her out. They would have tackled her big time. But because she is. And also she wasn't hot.
- [29:09]
Matt McCusker
Yeah. I think if that had been tell from the video.
- [29:11]
Duncan Trussell
If that had been, like, a supermodel. Yeah. You know, it sounds like she was fine. Like, she's just like a normal human.
- [29:18]
Matt McCusker
I know what you mean.
- [29:18]
Duncan Trussell
She's not an anomalously beautiful human or an anomalously hideous person. Just a normal lady at the airport who's naked. If she'd been hot, I think they would have take. Tackled her sooner.
- [29:30]
Matt McCusker
You think so?
- [29:30]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah, I think. I think so. And I think that if she'd had clothes on, they would have tackled her sooner.
- [29:36]
Matt McCusker
Clothes for sure. It's just such a thing. Like, it's like, yeah, you don't want to be the guy, because then, like, one hand slips as soon as you cop. Even accidentally on video, you're fried.
- [29:46]
Duncan Trussell
You're fucked. You're fucked because you don't have any way to rest. You know what? Yeah. If she was hot, they still wouldn't grab her. You're right. It's the tick clasp. It's not a symmetry problem. It's like the. The. Which is hilarious because it's like, if you tackle someone who has tits.
- [30:03]
Matt McCusker
Yeah.
- [30:03]
Duncan Trussell
You're gonna grab their tits.
- [30:04]
Matt McCusker
I mean, through the clothes.
- [30:06]
Duncan Trussell
Because you have to get around the chest, probably. Right.
- [30:09]
Matt McCusker
If you had to subdue the legs, you know, that could be an accidental credit card swipe.
- [30:13]
Duncan Trussell
Yes.
- [30:13]
Matt McCusker
That would be fucking devastating.
- [30:15]
Duncan Trussell
Yes, it's.
- [30:16]
Matt McCusker
I mean, dude, that is. I think bouncers have a specific protocol for, like, picking women up where they, like, fold that women's arms across their own, like, chest.
- [30:26]
Duncan Trussell
Yes.
- [30:26]
Matt McCusker
Like, you're, like, blocking the lady's boobs with her arms. Then you put them on your side of your hip, not, like, the front, because you don't want to be, like, rubbing your.
- [30:34]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah.
- [30:34]
Matt McCusker
Dick on their butt. So you put them, like, you fold their arms and then put them on, like, the side of your body. And that's how you're supposed to evacuate women.
- [30:40]
Duncan Trussell
That's how you avoid lawsuits.
- [30:41]
Matt McCusker
That's how I deal with my wife. Fold her arms around. I use bouncer protocol when we. When I'm losing an argument.
- [30:49]
Duncan Trussell
I know that workshop. Andrew Tate's doing that workshop. Yeah. The. So this, to me, is a masterclass for people who are doing protests right now. It's like the people who are gluing themselves to art or whatever. They need to take their clothes off first.
- [31:17]
Matt McCusker
Yeah, I would agree with that. If you're gonna block traffic, at least let me look.
- [31:21]
Duncan Trussell
Let me look, let me look.
- [31:22]
Matt McCusker
Let me see something. Let me see a little something if I'm thinking about running.
- [31:26]
Duncan Trussell
You want to see that? Some fucking sweaty goddamn eco terrorists. Big hairy bush, boiling her pussy on the fucking asphalt. The stink.
- [31:36]
Matt McCusker
It's hotter than the asphalt somehow.
- [31:38]
Duncan Trussell
Oh, the sizzle of vulva lips. I don't want to smell that. But I do think it's fascinating, though, switching gears.
- [31:48]
Matt McCusker
Yeah, that is a good point. You should definitely get naked if you're protesting.
- [31:52]
Duncan Trussell
Yes, but they were. Then.
- [31:53]
Matt McCusker
Did you see a thing in France with the naked ladies who dressed up as Hitler? I don't know what they were protesting in France. There were just naked ladies dressed. Or at least their tits were out.
- [32:03]
Duncan Trussell
You know, someone needs to protest that.
- [32:05]
Matt McCusker
Dressed like Hitler. I mean, it was just like. I don't even know what you guys are. Are you guys pro Hitler? Like, what are you. Yeah, look.
- [32:11]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah, this is where it gets weird also.
- [32:19]
Matt McCusker
I mean.
- [32:20]
Duncan Trussell
Hi, Vladimir Fortune. See? Okay, can you stop it for a second?
- [32:28]
Matt McCusker
How much to take down. Take one of these down, dress.
- [32:32]
Duncan Trussell
I'm not. I'm not.
- [32:35]
Matt McCusker
You wouldn't do that.
- [32:36]
Duncan Trussell
I'm not, I'm not. You mean take them down? Like, tackle them?
- [32:39]
Matt McCusker
No, I mean, like, engage in intercourse with them. Engage in paid, consensual intercourse while they're dressed like Hitler.
- [32:45]
Duncan Trussell
What do you mean, pay? Oh, you pay for them to. You dress like Hitler.
- [32:48]
Matt McCusker
Yeah, I'm just saying how much? I'm not saying I want to do it.
- [32:50]
Duncan Trussell
I'm saying, honestly, I got to get, like. I'm going to have to get, like, the thumbnails of all them. You know, go through the deck. Go through the deck. I'm sure. Sure. I'm sure somewhere in there, there's, like. Definitely. I would make love to one of these protesters. For sure. I mean, I'm interested in a lot of things about this.
- [33:12]
Matt McCusker
Like, I'm guessing they're against fascism, but they're also like. I mean, they're information. It seems like they practice their Hail Hitlers.
- [33:19]
Duncan Trussell
It would be really funny if they're actually Nazis and they don't realize people don't. They aren't taking them seriously.
- [33:26]
Matt McCusker
I mean, they're all white. They could be Nazis.
- [33:28]
Duncan Trussell
I mean, they're. Well, that is interesting. I think. So that. Okay, that makes me think that when they had the. Whoever this group represents had a meeting, I'm pretty sure it's A multicultural group. If I'm guessing this is an anti fascist group, which means there were people in the group who were like, hey, I want to do this. And they're like, sorry, if we have like, you know, complected people. We can't have complected people at our Nazi sad satirical thing because Nazis were worldwide.
- [33:59]
Matt McCusker
There's me, this guy.
- [34:01]
Duncan Trussell
Ah, he's totally. He's full of spank bank. I did. I manifested this. He's like. It's his dream. Wow.
- [34:12]
Matt McCusker
I can guarantee you this accomplished absolutely nothing.
- [34:16]
Duncan Trussell
Go back a few seconds. I want to see what happens right there at the end with. What happens to that. To her when she rubs her tits at the very end. What is it? It's like she got burnt by the smoke bomb or something. I just. I'm curious.
- [34:26]
Matt McCusker
Oh, yep. She got.
- [34:27]
Duncan Trussell
What happened.
- [34:28]
Matt McCusker
I think she got a little smoke in her face.
- [34:30]
Duncan Trussell
No, look, it's at the very end. Josh, this is choreographed.
- [34:35]
Matt McCusker
Yeah, man.
- [34:36]
Duncan Trussell
Oh, look. See what? The hat's coming off. Oh. Oh, hey, fuck you. Get that out of my face. Like said. You know what I mean? He almost don't feel smoke wand.
- [34:45]
Matt McCusker
It would have been so nice to be like the French national intelligence. And you, like took their smoke bombs and gave them Roman candles and it just completely. The thing just. They freaked out and started running away.
- [34:56]
Duncan Trussell
Oh, God. Yeah. Like, if Israel had gotten those things. Yuri, you've gathered around. What is this insane protest? And then it's just. Just exploding hands. Just. It's dynamite. Sticks and dynamite.
- [35:13]
Matt McCusker
That'd be kind of. I mean, that's horrible. But like, imagine that's like a Tarantino movie. That'd be kind of sick.
- [35:18]
Duncan Trussell
Sick.
- [35:19]
Matt McCusker
But yeah. I don't know what they're big fucking. I don't know if they're mad about. Right. America I saw was catching their ire. They're mad at America. Nazis. And some of them were painted like Earth itself.
- [35:28]
Duncan Trussell
So it's a. So, you know, I think at that meeting that preceded that, there is probably several meetings because they have the same paint, the same moves. They had a time when they all pulled out the smoke.
- [35:43]
Matt McCusker
Yep.
- [35:43]
Duncan Trussell
So this is a. This means that they were. What we can gather from this is they had access to a studio space. Definitely they were practicing.
- [35:51]
Matt McCusker
Yeah.
- [35:52]
Duncan Trussell
And I would guess that's probably an afternoon of practicing. I mean, it's not extravagant.
- [35:56]
Matt McCusker
That was. Someone had the keys to an orange theory. And I think they're up to no good in there at nighttime.
- [36:03]
Duncan Trussell
But then somewhere in the practice sessions and somewhere in that Somebody definitely was like, hey, what is. I don't know if this is, like, clear what we're protesting here. Like, you gotta. We gotta choose.
- [36:17]
Matt McCusker
Yeah.
- [36:17]
Duncan Trussell
Are we for the Earth or against it? Are we for Nazis or against it?
- [36:24]
Matt McCusker
True.
- [36:24]
Duncan Trussell
Are we environmentalist Nazis who are for or against the Earth? Like, I'm gonna have questions. Let's focus the message.
- [36:32]
Matt McCusker
That'd be cool to just start just protesting, hitting all the classics, just at once costume changes. Just like a multi doing, like, a bipolar protest would be kind of nice where you're like, yeah, I'm for and.
- [36:42]
Duncan Trussell
Against this, the whole spectrum.
- [36:44]
Matt McCusker
Yeah.
- [36:45]
Duncan Trussell
So it. Yeah.
- [36:45]
Matt McCusker
So everything.
- [36:46]
Duncan Trussell
You're. First, you're a Nazi, but then. Yeah. And then you punch each other or something.
- [36:53]
Matt McCusker
Yeah. You have to start fighting right away.
- [36:55]
Duncan Trussell
But it. This. This new form of, like, number one. If I had a time machine, everyone says I could go back and kill Hitler's dad or whatever. Kill Hitler's grandmother. Now we have something where we don't have to murder anybody. You go back in time and you just show Hitler that video.
- [37:14]
Matt McCusker
Sure. You're responsible for this.
- [37:15]
Duncan Trussell
You want. You sure you want to do this? And I'm going back to art school like that. If, you know, you don't give any context. You're like, this is what the Nazi party evolved into.
- [37:26]
Matt McCusker
Yeah, true. Here's the thing, though. Here's the thing with that. What if you killed Hitler and then. So he doesn't, you know, or you kill him, but then, like, you know, maybe a guy has the same idea who rises to power, but it's just like, way, you know. I don't know how to use this word, but like is more. He's more efficient. So you kill Hitler, but then, like, a guy who's like. Like Hitler, but, like, way better and, like, actually wins and, like, actually accomplishes his mission.
- [37:52]
Duncan Trussell
A guy who doesn't invade Russia in the winter just to. Just. Just. Just a guy with a mild. Just. Who's still on meth, but not that much meth, where that makes sense. And. Yeah, then we, you know, then we're Philip K. Dick, where. This is Nazi Germany in the United States.
- [38:10]
Matt McCusker
Exactly.
- [38:11]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah. I mean, I don't know why everyone's like, kill Hitler's grandfather.
- [38:15]
Matt McCusker
It might not work out that well, is what I'm saying. I don't know if everyone. Everyone ever saw the butterfly effect, but it's like that.
- [38:20]
Duncan Trussell
It's the butterfly effect. We don't know the result. Yeah, you might have a Hitler, but there, you know, who knows? Like, Bigfoot could attack or something.
- [38:29]
Matt McCusker
That would be a funny. I don't know if people like this sketch, but there was a guy at the time machine, the beginning of the movie, or whatever short film, kills Hitler, comes back to the present day, and there's like, the planet is, like, 4 billion Jews, and you go, what the fuck?
- [38:46]
Duncan Trussell
That's not nice, Nazi. All right, fascist.
- [38:51]
Matt McCusker
No, it's just.
- [38:51]
Duncan Trussell
It's just like, all right, fascist.
- [38:53]
Matt McCusker
It's not. I don't have any. I genuinely have nothing against your. It would be funny if there were so many that you'd be like, what did I. What happened here?
- [38:59]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah, well, there's like.
- [39:00]
Matt McCusker
Yeah, it's like, you're the only non. What about that? Well, no, that's what I should say. You're the only non Jewish. I'm spitballing.
- [39:06]
Duncan Trussell
Here's how it works in the movie. You don't even need to go back to the future to see if it worked. Immediately after killing Hitler's grandfather, you look at your dick and it's circumcised. And you're like, fuck, it worked. Yeah, I'm circumcised.
- [39:24]
Matt McCusker
Cirqued.
- [39:25]
Duncan Trussell
I'm cirqued. That means that it worked.
- [39:27]
Matt McCusker
Good guys won.
- [39:28]
Duncan Trussell
That's how, you know, true, in fact. And that's kind of the poignant moment in the movie, because this is a hero, and you're like, you will not be able to go back to the future. You must stay in the past. Then how will I know if my mission was a success?
- [39:44]
Matt McCusker
Yeah, good point.
- [39:45]
Duncan Trussell
Look at your dick.
- [39:46]
Matt McCusker
I'm sirked. I got cert.
- [39:48]
Duncan Trussell
That's true. It's not a sign. But, I mean, I don't know. Okay. All right, you're right. That wouldn't work. That's gonna be. That's gonna get. That's gonna get panned in the reviews.
- [39:57]
Matt McCusker
It doesn't make any sense.
- [39:58]
Duncan Trussell
Actually, I'm cirqued. I didn't kill Hitler's grandfather. Yeah, you're right.
- [40:03]
Matt McCusker
And to clarify, I would change my plot to the. You're the only non Jewish person in the world. Which begs the question, like, damn, did, like, a Jewish guy rise and. I don't know, whatever. I'm just gonna stop. Kill everybody. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to figure out a fun, you know, twist on, you know, an old classic. Because everyone talks about killing Hitler, like, all right, that's over. But you don't know what you would, you know, set off.
- [40:29]
Duncan Trussell
Tim. Tim Waltz is here. What if you went, tim Waltz Is here.
- [40:32]
Matt McCusker
What if you went back to kill Hitler and learned to ditch?
- [40:34]
Duncan Trussell
Just so you know, Kamala Harris is here, and this. This is to catch a Nazi. Kamala can.
- [40:49]
Matt McCusker
Back to kill him. He was actually being kind of fair. You're like, what? The.
- [40:55]
Duncan Trussell
The.
- [40:56]
Matt McCusker
The switching gears.
- [40:58]
Duncan Trussell
No, let's. No, let's. Let's. Do you have a copy of Minecamp with you, too? You know, this is the. Actually does bring me to something I want to talk to you about, which is kind of weird, but I wondered if you've been thinking about this at all, because it keeps coming up and it sounds crazy. Like, I just had this guy on my podcast, Mitch Horowitz. He's like, wrote this awesome book. He's like, you know, And I. So go ahead and cringe because I would cringe too, when I hear this, but, you know, anytime I hear, like, manifestation shit, I do cringe a little bit because I think it's kind of annoying. And I've seen too many, like, Instagram videos of some asshole telling me how to manifest shit, and it just makes you want to kill yourself. It's hard.
- [41:40]
Matt McCusker
Yeah. I have a similar reaction where it's like. It is kind of one of those things like, damn, that sounds cool. When you hear people talk about, you're like, damn, I hate this.
- [41:45]
Duncan Trussell
You hate it? Yeah.
- [41:46]
Matt McCusker
It's something you think privately about.
- [41:47]
Duncan Trussell
I feel like it's the same, you know, it's like there's so many versions of that where once it gets adopted by the mainstream, it gets convoluted in a way that completely, like, makes people not want to explore the topic at all much. I mean, famously, like, if anything sobered people up in on this planet, it was that lady. You know, I was talking about that lady who got famous for that one song. Took a little acid. Oh, yeah.
- [42:14]
Matt McCusker
Yes, I know you're talking about that.
- [42:15]
Duncan Trussell
Will you pull that up? Just so somehow some people haven't.
- [42:18]
Matt McCusker
Haven't been that hippie chick who's like.
- [42:20]
Duncan Trussell
And all of a sudden it was, she's everywhere.
- [42:21]
Matt McCusker
Yeah, she is. She's been quiet for a while, but I think she has a new video I saw come up.
- [42:25]
Duncan Trussell
Well, it's hard to follow that song. It's a one hit man. Like, I'm not saying. I mean, I'm not saying. She's like, this isn't her fault. Is it gone now?
- [42:34]
Matt McCusker
No, she's. She's around.
- [42:35]
Duncan Trussell
Took a little acid. Hippie chicken, like, she got like, this. Blew her up. This.
- [42:41]
Matt McCusker
There you go.
- [42:56]
Duncan Trussell
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- [45:05]
Matt McCusker
Like I can't do that.
- [45:07]
Duncan Trussell
And, and that warps psychedelics. You don't want to be associated. You just. You're like though, you know you. That's definitely someone at a festival that you would love to. You'd hope to hook up with or something like that. But. So this has happened with any, any cool thing.
- [45:22]
Matt McCusker
It has a. Yeah. It has a weird element of like cringiness to it kind of if you're just like watching. You're like Jesus Christ.
- [45:27]
Duncan Trussell
But yeah, Onlyfans. She has Onlyfans too.
- [45:31]
Matt McCusker
I can see that.
- [45:31]
Duncan Trussell
It makes sense.
- [45:32]
Matt McCusker
Yeah.
- [45:33]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah, that makes sense.
- [45:34]
Matt McCusker
That does make sense.
- [45:35]
Duncan Trussell
That's the first place I went.
- [45:36]
Matt McCusker
What?
- [45:37]
Duncan Trussell
You did not. To see if she had onlyfans. And she. Did you go on Onlyfans? Well, no, I just.
- [45:42]
Matt McCusker
He's producing.
- [45:43]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah. Oh, you produce for Onlyfans. I got to talk to you. They do comedy now. I can't, you know, I can't go fucking only fans on my computer.
- [45:56]
Matt McCusker
I don't run any of my credit card stuff at all. I'd be fried.
- [45:59]
Duncan Trussell
I'd have to have a burner computer.
- [46:01]
Matt McCusker
I know. I'd have to have like a burner credit card. Yeah, prepaid credit card. And then I'd. She'd find that. Oh, I don't know. Looking at the lady, the hippie lady. I just produce a podcast.
- [46:12]
Duncan Trussell
The amount of energy for most married dudes that they would have to put in to starting an only fans account is the exact same energy you'd have to put into going underground as a fugitive. Like, it's also.
- [46:25]
Matt McCusker
Only fans is cheating if you're married, it's cheating if you're giving another lady money. You might. You're 100% total cheating.
- [46:31]
Duncan Trussell
100%.
- [46:32]
Matt McCusker
It's. Yeah, I can't, I can't even. I feel like I, I know of some people who kind of pull it off and like. Yeah, my wife is just, you know, she accepts it.
- [46:39]
Duncan Trussell
It's indefensible.
- [46:41]
Matt McCusker
It's totally. I mean, yeah, it's terrible. You can't. Especially when there is a. I mean, an ocean of free porn. That's the major problem. It's like, bro, if you got to look at porn, whatever, but that's. There's an ocean of free content. You're like, yeah, but I want to give this lady money.
- [46:59]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah, you, you. A relationship with someone, you have financially linked yourself to somebody. And it's. If you're gonna fucking cheat, like cheat, don't like jerk off to the images of someone that you're giving money to. Like you're already cheating. Fucking. Could you go out there and fuck your life up for real?
- [47:21]
Matt McCusker
If I were to like, you know, of all the things to find on like my dad's computer, if I found out he was being financially dominated the whole time by a strange lady, I'd just be like, bro, come on, you're thinking it.
- [47:34]
Duncan Trussell
All those times he said no when you asked him for money, his flesh and blood, he's been giving thousand dollar gifts to some 26 year old Arkansas.
- [47:46]
Matt McCusker
That's tough. That would be tough to. Yeah, just get utterly financially dominated by just like a, A lady on the Internet. Didn't even meet her. Just like getting messages, getting texts like, give me my money. You.
- [47:58]
Duncan Trussell
This is another good movie. Dude, you're coming up with so many good movies right now. So here's how it works. Father passes away. It's actually like very sweet. You loved your dad, he loved you. Then as he's passing away, times are always hard.
- [48:16]
Matt McCusker
I would say he was very. He had like a very Austere upbringing. And your dad taught you these, like, actually good lessons. But the perverse twist is that you. The reason you were poor, your dad was, like, making $250,000 a year. He was just utterly financially down. He was a financial serf for an onlyfans growing. He grew up in, like, a bad neighborhood.
- [48:33]
Duncan Trussell
Well, this is what you discover. I mean, you discover a couple. Okay? So this is as he's passing away, he says, you know, you hear him say something like, rainbow feet, nine, four, nine, uppercase R. And you're like, what? What, dad? Rainbow feet, 493, uppercase R. And he dies. And you're like, wait, what did he say? What did he say? Write that down. You write it down that you realize, oh, my God, it's his onlyfans password. Then you go into onlyfans and you. It's not a little bit of money he's been giving this woman who lives in, like, I don't know where they live. What's a good place for them to live for the sake of a road trip movie?
- [49:16]
Matt McCusker
Seattle begins.
- [49:17]
Duncan Trussell
Seattle. Okay. She lives in. She lives in Seattle. And so, yes, it's not just that your dad's been giving all this money and you thought you guys were making, like, $60,000 a year. You realize your dad was a financial genius, that your dad was, in fact, a millionaire. And all that money was going to her from great secret investments he was making. But then you get into the messages between them, and you get mad. You know, you're like. And she doesn't know your dad died. So you. So you start talking to her like your dad.
- [49:53]
Matt McCusker
Count up. Oh, my God. And then that's kind of great, actually.
- [49:57]
Duncan Trussell
You fall in love because it's genetic, dude.
- [50:00]
Matt McCusker
Oh, no, you.
- [50:02]
Duncan Trussell
You know what I mean? She gets you. She. You fall in love with her, and then it's. You, like, go to visit her and like to kill her. Maybe you go there to kill her and recoup your money. You're out of your mind.
- [50:12]
Matt McCusker
Yeah.
- [50:12]
Duncan Trussell
And then you get there and, like, just fall in love with her and get married.
- [50:16]
Matt McCusker
How about this? And then Shyamalani and Twist find out she's your mom. She's been your mom this whole time, Buster.
- [50:25]
Duncan Trussell
Blockbuster.
- [50:30]
Matt McCusker
Big Greek myth. That'd be terrible.
- [50:32]
Duncan Trussell
That's awesome, because you. Okay. Oh, my God. So not only. So you go in the only fans. I think this is actually could be a movie. This could definitely be a movie. You go in the only fans. You know, it doesn't have to be a road Trip, you go in the only fans, you start up a communication with her as your dad to get some kind of revenge. I don't know what.
- [50:49]
Matt McCusker
Yeah.
- [50:50]
Duncan Trussell
And because she did manipulate your fucking dad. Oh, let's add to it that your dad had some kind of neurological disorder and she was taking advantage of that. And so you get on there and. And you're. You want revenge, but then you're starting to fall in love with her. You're starting to fall in love with her. And.
- [51:04]
Matt McCusker
Can we have a scene where I. I read a thing, or. I think it was a documentary about a guy who had. He figured out how to make this, like, thing he put on his penis that they. His dominatrix. His Internet dominatrixes or dominatrices could hold, could, like, send electrical pulses to his penis from afar.
- [51:20]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah.
- [51:20]
Matt McCusker
So we could have you, like, slip on his dad's gear. And she would just start just shocking him. He's like, oh, holy.
- [51:27]
Duncan Trussell
I forgot the doc.
- [51:28]
Matt McCusker
It was such a good video about. This guy was like a tech whiz, and he built this own device for himself, and he would just have these women just shock him on webcam. And he would just.
- [51:36]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah. I mean, hours that honestly.
- [51:39]
Matt McCusker
And he would destroy the thing. Like, I'm never doing this again. He had a family. Then he would just be in a hotel room and put it back together.
- [51:46]
Duncan Trussell
That. It's interesting to think that, like, there's other ways you could wire your dick shocker so you don't need another person to trigger it. You could just have, like, around the house. Like, anytime your wife opens the bathroom door, it shocks your dick.
- [51:57]
Matt McCusker
That was the whole point. He, like. It was like a rhythm. They would do it according to, like.
- [52:02]
Duncan Trussell
He had a rhythm. He like.
- [52:03]
Matt McCusker
And he wasn't in control. So it was. He would be at this person.
- [52:06]
Duncan Trussell
It could be at any time, middle of the night, whatever.
- [52:09]
Matt McCusker
I think he was. He was like a. A tech guy. And he was supposed to give his big speech at his company, but he stayed up all night getting his dick shocked and then gave a very underwhelming speech. And that was the start of his downfall.
- [52:21]
Duncan Trussell
See, if I'm a dominatrix and I don't want to invest time into shocking this guy's dick at random times. I'm gonna do the same thing like in cop movies where they're trying to track you and you realize you get the tracker and put it on a train. I'm just gonna take that dick shocker and, I don't know, rig it to an elevator so that anytime anybody presses a button, it shocks his.
- [52:44]
Matt McCusker
Sure. That would be kind of like tired just sitting there. Like, it's annoying, but I think he wanted the webcam so he could see me. Like, I don't. I don't know exactly how it worked, but it's pretty nuts.
- [52:52]
Duncan Trussell
I mean. Yeah, that definitely sounds.
- [52:55]
Matt McCusker
The guy was no fool.
- [52:56]
Duncan Trussell
Horniness is wild.
- [52:58]
Matt McCusker
I know. It is crazy.
- [52:59]
Duncan Trussell
Crazy that you would design your own dick shocker because you're so horny that. And you're not okay with setting up random dick shocks that are associated with an AI. It's got to be from a fucking real person.
- [53:11]
Matt McCusker
Yeah.
- [53:12]
Duncan Trussell
To get back to our feature, first film we're gonna make together, we have to come up with the production company in our feature. Here's what it is. Now we need to add to the story. It's not just that the father's passed away. It's not just that he finds out the father is. This relationship with an onlyfans person who has been shocking is dick. It's that their family is bankrupt. They are in trouble financially. Right. And he realizes his dad has been making investments. There's nothing in the investment account anymore. He gave it all to this onlyfans person. Right.
- [53:44]
Matt McCusker
So go ahead.
- [53:46]
Duncan Trussell
Now he puts on his dad's dick shocker. And why he does this, we will have to figure it out because I don't know exactly what his motivation why he do them, but immediately the dick shocks are coming. Somehow he's familiar with Morse code.
- [54:06]
Matt McCusker
He realized of a Swiss account they're more code.
- [54:10]
Duncan Trussell
Or. Or she's the only fans model via dick shocks is telling him what stocks to invest in.
- [54:16]
Matt McCusker
Oh my God. Yeah.
- [54:18]
Duncan Trussell
So that's why the dad was giving the money to the only fans model is because she was a business partner. She, without her, he didn't know how to do stock investments. Yeah. And so. And then maybe the M. Night Shyamalan moment is that it's not his mom.
- [54:35]
Matt McCusker
He thinks it's his mom and it's not his mom.
- [54:37]
Duncan Trussell
It's Nancy Pelosi.
- [54:42]
Matt McCusker
Pretending to be his mom. Trade stocks. Also, I think a nice scene would be he has like a sweet girlfriend he's about to propose to. Like she's there kind of like consoling him when his father's on his deathbed. And then they like, they become estranged because of him getting lured into Nancy Pelosi, obviously. But it'd be a nice scene where like that all falls apart and he comes back to his like hometown sweetheart. And then she's actually recording only fans content with like three with a thousand men. And then there'd be like a nice end. Climatic ending. Kind of nihilistic, but like he comes out into like a rainstorm and just goes freaks out.
- [55:26]
Duncan Trussell
Ah, he's naked. The dick shocker is on him. We see it pulsing. No, he said it to kill himself. He said the dick shocker to connect with every only fans account. So instead of getting one dick shock, it's like the all the only fans dick shocks go into him.
- [55:47]
Matt McCusker
It's like the fence in Jurassic park, dude. It's like 40,000 volts, just.
- [55:55]
Duncan Trussell
That's incredible. And all that is that dick shocker laying on the ground.
- [56:00]
Matt McCusker
Got to be subtitled, though. It has to be like foreign, some foreign language, just totally subtitled, black and white. It's got to be a French film.
- [56:12]
Duncan Trussell
It's great. That's a great movie idea.
- [56:14]
Matt McCusker
I mean, like, that'd be awesome.
- [56:15]
Duncan Trussell
Well, when you, like when you look at like some of the, you know, when you think like right now it's such a weird time because all these streaming services have this like, they have to have new content.
- [56:27]
Matt McCusker
Yeah.
- [56:27]
Duncan Trussell
And so there's never been more of a need for content in, in the world. Like, it's this thirst for content and it's like, you know, it's. Sometimes you watch movies and you're just like, the only difference between me, I think, and the person who made that movie is they had money to make that movie big time. Like, don't you. Doesn't that sort of cross your mind? Like, why, why? Yeah, why aren't you making movies all the time? Why?
- [56:54]
Matt McCusker
Yeah, you got to put out like at least $4 million, I would guess. Unless, you know, you can get. I guess you got to put out at least a million bucks.
- [57:03]
Duncan Trussell
It's a million bucks.
- [57:04]
Matt McCusker
Low, Low. And it's like you have to have a million bucks you're willing to not get back.
- [57:09]
Duncan Trussell
You're not getting it back.
- [57:10]
Matt McCusker
Huge chance. Yeah. Huge chance.
- [57:13]
Duncan Trussell
Huge chance.
- [57:14]
Matt McCusker
Yeah. You have a million bucks to burn. You can, you can make a movie and then so.
- [57:17]
Duncan Trussell
So you can make a movie and.
- [57:19]
Matt McCusker
But a low budget, that's a low budget movie.
- [57:21]
Duncan Trussell
You can't be making it for if. I guess the reality of it is like, yeah, if you, if you want to make an indie movie and you're thinking you're going to like get rich from that, it's not going to happen. So why not invest that in an Airbnb or something, you're going to make way more money on some Airbnb than you are on your fucking dick, though.
- [57:38]
Matt McCusker
It'd be so fucking sick to make the dick shocking movie. That'd be so. I would genuinely be a tense, kind of like, you know, like a character driven psychological thriller.
- [57:47]
Duncan Trussell
You'd have to delete this part of the podcast because it's a spoiler. It's a horrible spoiler.
- [57:54]
Matt McCusker
So good, though.
- [57:55]
Duncan Trussell
Okay.
- [57:55]
Matt McCusker
It is a horrible spoiler. But then the big twist. Would we come up with another twist that we don't reveal?
- [58:01]
Duncan Trussell
They didn't think, I know what happens.
- [58:03]
Matt McCusker
They go, what the.
- [58:04]
Duncan Trussell
Oh, my God. That's what it is. Because the he just.
- [58:08]
Matt McCusker
His dad.
- [58:09]
Duncan Trussell
The 1500 people. The 1500 people that saw this episode will be watching and they'll be like, I know what's gonna happen. He blows himself up in the end with a fucking dick shocker attached to.
- [58:24]
Matt McCusker
All the only fans screams of the whores.
- [58:26]
Duncan Trussell
No, it should turn into some completely different movie. Maybe. I don't know.
- [58:33]
Matt McCusker
Or you know what? We could do that whole Lion King scene where Mufasa is like Simba. You can have his dad from the clouds being like, I didn't know you found that. Yeah, go back to her.
- [58:44]
Duncan Trussell
No, I think it's going to be more like, look, if we're going to go deep, man, it's going to be the Morse codes coming in from the dick shocker that he associates with the only fans account is the GPS coordinate that leads into a deep underground military bunker.
- [58:55]
Matt McCusker
And then. Yeah. Or that you can make this all the backstory of the guy who hit Chuck Schumer with a. Who hit the guy with a hammer.
- [59:04]
Duncan Trussell
That's. I don't know his name.
- [59:05]
Matt McCusker
That was not.
- [59:06]
Duncan Trussell
No Pelosi. It was Pelosi's husband.
- [59:09]
Matt McCusker
That could just be the backstory of the guy who hits Pelosi saucepan with hammer.
- [59:12]
Duncan Trussell
Yes.
- [59:13]
Matt McCusker
That would be crazy.
- [59:14]
Duncan Trussell
Yes. And he had to do it and.
- [59:16]
Matt McCusker
Just pretend like, you know, he researches.
- [59:18]
Duncan Trussell
The world depended on it. Like, we did whatever the fuck Pelosi's husband was up to was so bad that he had to get like. And that does bring us to. Well, not Seattle. That brings us to San Francisco. Yeah. He's just got to go to San Francisco. Leave his whole family. Listen. He tries to explain to his wife. You don't understand. She walks in on him getting his dick shocked.
- [59:41]
Matt McCusker
Yeah.
- [59:41]
Duncan Trussell
And he's. And she's like, you. You get. Got one of those stupid dick shockers attached to a dominatrix. He's like, no.
- [59:48]
Matt McCusker
Yeah.
- [59:48]
Duncan Trussell
You don't understand it's a no.
- [59:50]
Matt McCusker
And she does he. And yeah, Nancy's like, you're gonna create a run on the. On a biotech stock that I'm betting big on. Get that thing the off right now. And then she. Maybe she like, controls the thing. And he's like, I never knew.
- [60:02]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The. Or the dick shocker. He realizes every week ago, we could go interstellar. We could go interstellar. The dick shocker is coming from the future. It's his future self sending messages back to his previous.
- [60:17]
Matt McCusker
I mean, by the time this thing gets fully, like multiple drafts, whoever listen to this is going to still be just as, you know, shocked.
- [60:23]
Duncan Trussell
I would not be surprised if we get funding offers after this. I am going to imagine that someone that's probably going to reach out and be like, dude, I've got a million dollars crypto people out there.
- [60:33]
Matt McCusker
True.
- [60:33]
Duncan Trussell
They have so much money, it's like, I'll give you guys a million dollars.
- [60:35]
Matt McCusker
It's the right thing. It's the right thing to do.
- [60:37]
Duncan Trussell
Now let's cast it. Oh, who's the lead in this? Chalamet?
- [60:42]
Matt McCusker
Yeah, obviously. Yeah. Shallow is the lead for sure. He's a son. Yeah, he's a son. Father, is Bruce Willis still kicking or.
- [60:50]
Duncan Trussell
Is he like, can't do Willis, unfortunately. He's like, yeah, Bruce Willis can't act right now. So we're not. We're not. Bruce Willis is a good choice. I know. You're the rugged, masculine father.
- [60:59]
Matt McCusker
Exactly.
- [61:01]
Duncan Trussell
Okay. Mel Gibson.
- [61:02]
Matt McCusker
Yeah, Gibson would be really good, actually.
- [61:04]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah. Mel Gibbs. What? Yeah.
- [61:07]
Matt McCusker
Eastwood. Is he too old? Clint Eastwood.
- [61:08]
Duncan Trussell
Eastwood's perfect.
- [61:09]
Matt McCusker
He has a weird. Yeah, like a super old dad. His dad's like 90.
- [61:14]
Duncan Trussell
That's perfect.
- [61:15]
Matt McCusker
Also. I like. I like Schwarzenegger's son a lot too, man. He might be. I mean, Chalamet would be great, but have you been watching White Lotus?
- [61:22]
Duncan Trussell
That's Schwarzenegger's son.
- [61:23]
Matt McCusker
Yes, dude. The fucking guy who's like a horny pervert.
- [61:26]
Duncan Trussell
No way.
- [61:27]
Matt McCusker
That is his son, dude.
- [61:28]
Duncan Trussell
He's such a good actor.
- [61:29]
Matt McCusker
He's amazing.
- [61:29]
Duncan Trussell
Of course he is.
- [61:30]
Matt McCusker
Yeah, true, but he's still like. I'm blown away how good he is.
- [61:34]
Duncan Trussell
Holy shit. I had no idea that's you.
- [61:35]
Matt McCusker
That you can't see. You can't unsee it. Once you know that, you're like, oh, God. He kind of.
- [61:38]
Duncan Trussell
Can you pull up White Lotus Schwarzenegger. That is fucking cool, man.
- [61:42]
Matt McCusker
Awesome. He is for real. Phenomenal. Goodbye, sweet lady.
- [61:46]
Duncan Trussell
That is really cool when that happens because it's like, oh, I hate when people are doing that Nepo baby shit. It's like, dude, you don't. Like. You have to learn how to act.
- [61:55]
Matt McCusker
Yeah. And also, there he is.
- [61:57]
Duncan Trussell
No way. Patrick Schwarzenegger. Yep.
- [62:01]
Matt McCusker
Well, also, the. I mean, I get. Obviously, it's very. You know, I get why people get mad at that. But it's like, people would get mad at Ice Cube's son. They'd be like, nepo baby. But it's like, dude, Ice Cube escaped. I mean, people. I think people debate, like, he actually didn't live in South Central. Whatever. I'm sure he didn't live in a great neighborhood. He escaped that and then gave his children a better life. And everyone's like, boo, your son sucks. It's like, like, what is he. What is he supposed to do?
- [62:25]
Duncan Trussell
Dude?
- [62:26]
Matt McCusker
Just. Just not do anything ever. Because his dad's famous.
- [62:29]
Duncan Trussell
Also, you look like your kids do what you do.
- [62:31]
Matt McCusker
Exactly.
- [62:32]
Duncan Trussell
So if your dad is an incredible musician, you're gonna become a.
- [62:36]
Matt McCusker
Probably.
- [62:36]
Duncan Trussell
You're at least gonna see what the process looks like.
- [62:39]
Matt McCusker
Yeah.
- [62:39]
Duncan Trussell
And if your dad's a good actor, it's like, you know what's really crazy? Stephen King's son.
- [62:44]
Matt McCusker
What's he do? Just annoying tweets.
- [62:50]
Duncan Trussell
You got me. His tweets are more annoying than his dad's.
- [62:55]
Matt McCusker
What does he do?
- [62:56]
Duncan Trussell
He. So Joe Hill, knowing his dad was Stephen King, switched his name, knowing that if he wrote under the name Joe King, his books would sound stupid. Joe King. That's a number one problem. But number. I didn't either just now. But number two, he didn't want to ride his dad's fucking coattails, so he published under Joe Hill and his books, became successful completely on his own. Whoa.
- [63:23]
Matt McCusker
Did he co author one with his father?
- [63:25]
Duncan Trussell
I wouldn't be surprised.
- [63:26]
Matt McCusker
Well, here's the thing with that. On his own is, like, you know, again, I'm not knocking the guy at all. I'm sure they're great, but that's also like, literary agent, publishers, or, you know.
- [63:35]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah. But if you write a heap of, you can. You know.
- [63:38]
Matt McCusker
That's true.
- [63:39]
Duncan Trussell
You know what I mean? Like, you could put anything on a bookshelf.
- [63:41]
Matt McCusker
That's totally true. And I'm not knocking him at all. I'm just saying I'm like, it's. You know, he did have. He still had a leg up, which, again, is. I'm not against that. And it's like that. I mean, that's fucking sick, dude.
- [63:50]
Duncan Trussell
Here's what blows me away, though, about Stephen King. And we all have to contend with this, and you just have to learn how to separate one thing from the other. Because I can remember going on Stephen King's Twitter, and I fucking love Stephen King. The Dark Tower series. Have you read the Dark Tower series?
- [64:08]
Matt McCusker
I have heard it's so good. I've read a bunch of his books. I have not read Dark Tower and I heard it's, like, amazing.
- [64:12]
Duncan Trussell
I'm jealous. Like, that's the kind of book you want to erase your memories. You can read it again.
- [64:17]
Matt McCusker
Yeah. You know, he is so. He's so fucking.
- [64:19]
Duncan Trussell
So fucking ridiculous. The Shining, the book is just so fucked up. The all of his books, you know, there's some trajectory that happens there or towards the end, you know, how do you match cocaine Stephen King with, like, late stage tweeting? Stephen King? You can't. But the tweets, man, it is such a, like, kick to the balls when you see how bad he is at tweeting, and yet he's such a good writer.
- [64:43]
Matt McCusker
It's insane. It's also, to be fair, though, to those guys that age. I mean, it's like, you know, it's literally like a boomer kind of age range. They got rocked by, like, politics and Twitter. Like, young people did, too, but old people got rocked in, like, an embarrassing, you know, unselfaware way.
- [65:01]
Duncan Trussell
That's true.
- [65:01]
Matt McCusker
They got spun out.
- [65:03]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah.
- [65:03]
Matt McCusker
I mean, so it's like, you know, I'm. I. It's funny to watch, like, shut the fuck up, Stephen King, but it's like.
- [65:08]
Duncan Trussell
Can you pull up Stephen King's Twitter?
- [65:09]
Matt McCusker
It doesn't take anything away from the man. Obviously, as a, you know, we have.
- [65:14]
Duncan Trussell
To learn how to separate these things at this point. Like, you can't. Like, you can't let one thing dilute the other, or you're just. You're not going to have anybody to listen to or anything. This episode of the DTFH has been brought to you by BetterHelp. You know what? As I've been rambling about how great therapy is, I forgot the fact that a lot of you out there think therapy is insanely expensive, which sometimes it is. It's. Yeah, sure, I'm sure it's great, but, like, I can't afford that. I mean, give me a break. You have the number one podcast on the planet. You get 17 million views on your YouTube channel. You have over a billion subscribers. Yeah, sure, I'm sure you can. You can afford therapy. But, like, that's not everybody, man. That's not everybody. But this is why I love BetterHelp. Because if you're a therapist, you know, a huge part of what you're spending per month is on renting a beautiful palatial tower somewhere in Bulgaria. You know, those are very expensive. And flying people out to have therapy sessions with you, it's incredibly expensive, which is why they charge so much. Better help figured out how to fix that. To make therapy accessible for everybody. Normal therapy can cost from anywhere from 100 to $250 per session, sometimes more. If you live in LA with BetterHelp, you save on average up to 50% off each session. That's right. It's affordable. We're not talking about investing in crypto here, friend. We're talking about investing into your. Into your mind, into your ability to go out into the day and not want to curl up into a fetal position when a. When a bus drives by and splashes water on a dog that reminds you of your childhood dog who got hit by a car when you were taking a shit and you heard your brother scream, that's me. That shit hangs out there, man. You think it goes anywhere. The, the, the, the scream out there on the road. But also you're pooping. So the two get paired together. You know what? That's not going to be great for pooping for the rest of your life. Sorry. Better help it. I mean, you know, you should know what I'm talking about. That's why I needed therapy. One of the many reasons. I'm not gonna go into any more detail about that. All right? But I'll just say I have definitely benefited from therapy. You know what I mean? Like, I can poop at restaurants now. Not that you should, but if I need to, it's not gonna be a whole thing. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. It's convenient, too. You can join a session with a click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life. Plus switch therapists at any time. Your well being is worth it. Visit betterhelp.comduncan to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.comduncan. thank you. BetterHelp.
- [68:54]
Matt McCusker
Yeah, for real.
- [68:55]
Duncan Trussell
Is he even on here anymore? Did he probably went to Blue sky.
- [68:57]
Matt McCusker
As I go to Blue sky knows it. Oh, God. The first one. The arrogance of the Trump administration is only about pace by its ineptitude.
- [69:04]
Duncan Trussell
I think of Casey Stingles remark on the first season the New York Mets A team that epitomized failure with its 40 to 120 record. Casey asked, does anyone. You know how to play this game? Okay, can you pull up the first line in the fucking gunslinger? Pull up.
- [69:19]
Matt McCusker
That's probably so good. It's like, dude, shut up. Write some fucking cool shit, or just.
- [69:25]
Duncan Trussell
Apply the same rules you apply to your fucking books to your own. The man in black fled across the desert and the gunslinger falling.
- [69:32]
Matt McCusker
Beautiful, man. It's completely beautiful.
- [69:34]
Duncan Trussell
A perfect start to a perfect series. Go back to that tweet, please, Josh. The arrogance of the Trump administration is that like, Stephen King? What if you started a book with that? Ah, dude.
- [69:45]
Matt McCusker
It's crazy. It's. Dude, here. Here's a good author on Twitter I like a lot. Look up Jeff Noon. I think it says J E F F N O O N. His Twitter is. I think it's cool. As he just writes random on, like, random. I mean, that's just something he's doing. He just writes just, like, prose on his Twitter.
- [70:05]
Duncan Trussell
Oh, that's cool.
- [70:06]
Matt McCusker
And just puts it out.
- [70:07]
Duncan Trussell
That's cool.
- [70:08]
Matt McCusker
He's a big, like, cyberpunk guy. He wrote the book vert, which is. Dude, the vert is V U R T. It's a really cool book.
- [70:13]
Duncan Trussell
Look at it.
- [70:14]
Matt McCusker
Totally unnecessary incest plot to it. I like. I don't know why. Jeff Noon, if you hear this again, you obviously have your reasons. I don't want to deny you the muse because the book is sick. It's like, people are in this dystopian future, and they have these feathers load, like, loaded with, like, a virtual access to a virtual reality. It's like a drug. So you, like. Like, you just stick the feather in your mouth, and it'll throw you into a place where you're either, like, murdering people, you have snakes attacking you. Then these creatures start to, like, bleed into reality. But then there's like a. A guy loses his sister because they go too. Because you can get feathers within the cyberspace. So you're in, like, a meta reality within it. And, like, he loses his sister, and he has to try to find her.
- [70:53]
Duncan Trussell
That's cool.
- [70:54]
Matt McCusker
It's awesome. That's also. He's his sister the whole time, and it's just like, dude, somehow could they be. Step. You were creating this world.
- [71:02]
Duncan Trussell
The step.
- [71:03]
Matt McCusker
At least step.
- [71:04]
Duncan Trussell
It's worth discussing. Discussing the incest porn phenomena.
- [71:09]
Matt McCusker
Yeah.
- [71:09]
Duncan Trussell
Because when it's a huge genre of porn. Massive. Now, the genre follows the same pattern, which goes back to what we're talking about earlier, which Is that the algorithm is impacting the discourse. And so you can't just say on a porn site, apparently. You can't say me fucking my mom.
- [71:35]
Matt McCusker
No.
- [71:35]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah, you have to say me fucking, not my mom. That's like the genre. You've never seen that before. Me either. I'm just making up. I've never seen.
- [71:45]
Matt McCusker
No, trust me, I got plenty of demons, but the siblings is not one of them.
- [71:48]
Duncan Trussell
No, this is like. Like the crazy.
- [71:51]
Matt McCusker
So you have to search, not listen.
- [71:54]
Duncan Trussell
I don't. And I know this sounds like I'm trying to backpedal. I am into all kinds of kinky, but incest porn, it doesn't do it for me.
- [72:01]
Matt McCusker
I hear what you're saying.
- [72:02]
Duncan Trussell
I.
- [72:02]
Matt McCusker
What happens to me is I probably have seen this, but when I go into porn sites, I just complete. It's like, where I black out, and then I come to and I'm like.
- [72:10]
Duncan Trussell
I know, it's so fucked up.
- [72:11]
Matt McCusker
And I go, I hope my ancestors never see this.
- [72:13]
Duncan Trussell
The fugue state associated with jerking off. The porn is so rancid.
- [72:17]
Matt McCusker
It's horrible.
- [72:18]
Duncan Trussell
No, I think it's a pornhole.
- [72:19]
Matt McCusker
It's literally a pornhole that can extend into real life. That's the problem. Problem. Because then there's like, I've talked to my brother about this a lot because there's like, you can go on porn, but then, like, you know, you're in the pornhole, but then, like, that can extend to. Once you're in that state, you can be like, I've heard of people, like, taking Facebooks while they're watching porn, Finding people who look like that. Next thing you know, you're calling hooker ads, and you can, like, be off porn but still be in a pornhole and, like, end up, you know, and it's like, yeah, you're just driving by hooker's house, and you chicken out of the last minute. You're like, oh, you just got out of a pornhole. You're like, what the was I doing?
- [72:51]
Duncan Trussell
Well, you summoned a demon. Yeah, I mean, you're summoning a demon and into your life, and you're doing a sex magic ritual. You're like, you know all the fucking, like, people into sex magic and ceremonial magic. 100% of the time, they'll tell you that when you're doing any kind of, like, sex magic stuff, you jerk off onto a sigil, you'd basically do a come tribute to some kind of thing you want to have happen in the future. Because. Because, you know, in daoism, they talk about like, you know what Horowitz was talking about. Didn't Horowitz mention that?
- [73:18]
Matt McCusker
He mentioned fucking coming on stuff.
- [73:20]
Duncan Trussell
Well, it's not the first time I've heard it. It's a big part of like. Like manifestation stuff. I mean, Crowley talked about it. It's in Taoism. It's like Taoism would like. The idea was I do have a.
- [73:30]
Matt McCusker
Lot of tissues in my house. I think I have manifested boxes of.
- [73:34]
Duncan Trussell
You better hope there's not some weird shit on your. Charming.
- [73:37]
Matt McCusker
You have a lot of old T shirts.
- [73:38]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah, don't jerk off on the wrong T shirt.
- [73:41]
Matt McCusker
Dude. That's all I have are shitty old T shirts.
- [73:43]
Duncan Trussell
But I guess.
- [73:44]
Matt McCusker
But no, that makes sense.
- [73:45]
Duncan Trussell
The idea is you sort of like. Because, you know, I mean, this is a terrible thing to ponder. But I do ponder it sometimes, which is it's an unquantifiable bit at any given moment because of porn. How much jizz is being sprayed into time space per minute. And then I try to put that in like how many Olympic sized pools. In other words, like, it's so much.
- [74:14]
Matt McCusker
It's gotta be.
- [74:15]
Duncan Trussell
Is it one Olympic size pool a minute?
- [74:18]
Matt McCusker
Oh, dude, didn't we.
- [74:21]
Duncan Trussell
I looked up how much come it would take to fill the Grand Canyon, but this is a new thought. This is a new thinking for me, which is how much jizz is generated per minute based on porn activity. And I guess you could call it.
- [74:34]
Matt McCusker
I've actually mapped this out at some point in my life and I don't remember when, but it's like I remember. You gotta look up the average.
- [74:40]
Duncan Trussell
Don't say in America. Can you say globally, please, Josh?
- [74:43]
Matt McCusker
Well, you gotta look up milliliters in the average load. I've done this. I've. I've cracked this math before.
- [74:47]
Duncan Trussell
Okay, let's do it.
- [74:48]
Matt McCusker
You go mil, how much? How many milliliters in the average load? And then you go male population and just say if there's 4 billion men. 50. 50. You can just say if. If half of them are fabbing. It's probably more than that. Well, like, I guess you got to.
- [75:02]
Duncan Trussell
Go like, okay, let's go. Okay, 1.25 to 5 milliliters. So let's do 2.5. Because a lot of the people are jerking off all the time. Are not generating 5 milliliters anymore.
- [75:11]
Matt McCusker
5 milliliters. That's crazy. Yeah, that's.
- [75:13]
Duncan Trussell
That's.
- [75:14]
Matt McCusker
I. Unfortunately I'm looking at it through like one of those kids Tylenol cups and I'm damn hitting the five.
- [75:18]
Duncan Trussell
Dude, I Have one fucking ball. You should see the sad rivulet it just. My dick produces. It's sad. It's a. It's like. If you want to know, like, I don't know, smash. Like a smash an emaciated mosquito. That. That's what's coming out of this whole thing. We're going to need a pen and paper to do this. Let's just like do this now so we know.
- [75:41]
Matt McCusker
Okay, let me.
- [75:42]
Duncan Trussell
Let me pull out the iPad here.
- [75:44]
Matt McCusker
96% of British men, 93% of German men, 92% of America. What's going on here?
- [75:50]
Duncan Trussell
Wait, what's this?
- [75:50]
Matt McCusker
Why are British men so honest?
- [75:52]
Duncan Trussell
Okay, 78 of adults of the world masturbate, but we got to separate. Okay, so that is. Is it separating men from women.
- [75:57]
Matt McCusker
But now they're going men geographically.
- [76:00]
Duncan Trussell
Listen, this. We're going to do the rough math here. Anybody watching can any scientists out there could maybe do this for us?
- [76:06]
Matt McCusker
Go to the free. There's a better. The NIH might have better. That one's more like geographical. This is masturbation prevalence.
- [76:12]
Duncan Trussell
We have 2.5 milliliters. We're going to say at. Let's just average out 2.5 milliliters.
- [76:16]
Matt McCusker
I could hit that line, I think.
- [76:17]
Duncan Trussell
Milliliters. You don't need to flex on me, man.
- [76:22]
Matt McCusker
Okay.
- [76:24]
Duncan Trussell
I'm going to go home and jerk off at my kids. Tylenol.
- [76:26]
Matt McCusker
You got. Got to see what you.
- [76:28]
Duncan Trussell
Then you forget. That's the thing, dude. You got. That's a problem because you're going to forget. Okay.
- [76:33]
Matt McCusker
He was like, oh, sweet. My wife already filled up the Tylenol. It kind of looks exactly like children. It's clear.
- [76:44]
Duncan Trussell
That's not our movie. That's gotta be a scene in our movie. She's about to give. Because he was curious and I don't know, maybe the signal is like, can you measure your jizz? He jerks off in the thing, forgets. But then his kid's sick and he sees his wife like bringing the thing up to. And he smacks it out of her hand.
- [77:04]
Matt McCusker
Or in order. Yeah, he doesn't want to like cause too much of a ruckus, so he just takes it and fucking knocks it back himself. Being like, oh, that was actually adult, like with Tylenol. I was. And then he's like, I messed up.
- [77:14]
Duncan Trussell
Then he hears a voice in his head.
- [77:15]
Matt McCusker
True.
- [77:16]
Duncan Trussell
Now you can hear me in your mind.
- [77:18]
Matt McCusker
Oh, no.
- [77:21]
Duncan Trussell
That's it. Okay. So. Okay, hold on.
- [77:23]
Matt McCusker
There we go.
- [77:24]
Duncan Trussell
So we've got 2.5ml now the next question actually is how many. I think we need to figure out at some interval of time, how many people are looking at porn per hour?
- [77:36]
Matt McCusker
We gotta have the statistics. Yeah. And I mean, there's a lot of people jerking off not to porn, too.
- [77:40]
Duncan Trussell
I bet that comes up. How many people? We can, like, lower that. How many people. How many hours? How many people. How many people are looking at porn per day?
- [77:50]
Matt McCusker
Yeah, Right? You do right now.
- [77:52]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah, you could probably do right now or a day.
- [77:55]
Matt McCusker
A day. As far as we're capturing in a.
- [77:56]
Duncan Trussell
Day, how many people are actually watching porn per day?
- [78:02]
Matt McCusker
9 million. Right motherfucking now.
- [78:04]
Duncan Trussell
Okay, 11% of people in the United States watch porn daily. So. Okay, let's just do United States.
- [78:10]
Matt McCusker
Oh, hold on. What's that second stat? 84% of Americans believe watching child pornography should be.
- [78:16]
Duncan Trussell
We got to get that number up.
- [78:17]
Matt McCusker
What the fuck? That's crazy.
- [78:19]
Duncan Trussell
We got to get that number up a little bit.
- [78:21]
Matt McCusker
That's insane.
- [78:22]
Duncan Trussell
That needs. That number needs to go up to 100%.
- [78:25]
Matt McCusker
Who's gonna. Who's gonna cut the anthem to legalize it? Yo, mom. Don't criticize.
- [78:34]
Duncan Trussell
Wait, okay, wait. How many people voted for Jill Stein? What percentage of Americans voted for Jill Stein?
- [78:42]
Matt McCusker
Ma'am, you're losing a child pornography.
- [78:47]
Duncan Trussell
So what?
- [78:48]
Matt McCusker
She's. She's got to run on a new ticket.
- [78:50]
Duncan Trussell
She would have gotten 11% of the vote. What the fuck demon country is this Fuck.
- [78:57]
Matt McCusker
Who was that? Strayer. And was like, well, I'll give you. I'll be honest. I'm a yay on the issue.
- [79:03]
Duncan Trussell
These are dark statistics.
- [79:05]
Matt McCusker
Nuts.
- [79:06]
Duncan Trussell
What the fuck? Okay, 166 million men. Now let's look at the. What was the percent? How many. How many men? Jerk. Wait, let me write that down. How many men look at porn in America per day? 1 in 3Americans seek out porn. But some of them are going to be women also.
- [79:26]
Matt McCusker
Yeah.
- [79:26]
Duncan Trussell
Can you go back to how many men in the United States, please? 116 million. Okay, 116 million men. Million men in the United States. Now, okay, go back to how many so that we're looking at 20. 20. Oh, my God. Wait, no, do the math there for me, Matt. I'm an idiot. Is that I'm horrible. That's. It was. 16% of Americans believe watching child pornography should be illegal. So what is. Do me a favor. What is 16%?
- [79:53]
Matt McCusker
There's 60% of America that's getting 5 milliliters every time.
- [79:58]
Duncan Trussell
What's 16% of 116 million?
- [80:01]
Matt McCusker
Hi, I'm Kristen Bell Carvana makes car buying easy.
- [80:05]
Duncan Trussell
Isn't that right, hon? Dax. Dax, Sorry.
- [80:09]
Matt McCusker
Did you know about this?
- [80:10]
Duncan Trussell
7 day money back guarantee.
- [80:12]
Matt McCusker
A week to evaluate seat comfiness. You say a week?
- [80:15]
Duncan Trussell
Terrain tests.
- [80:17]
Matt McCusker
Yeah.
- [80:17]
Duncan Trussell
I can test the brake pad resistance at variable speeds. Make sure all the kids stuff fits nicely. Make sure our stuff fits nicely.
- [80:24]
Matt McCusker
Oh the right.
- [80:26]
Duncan Trussell
Still need to buy the car. Getting ahead of ourselves here.
- [80:29]
Matt McCusker
Buy your car with Carvana today.
- [80:32]
Duncan Trussell
Geico's motorcycle expertise means I'm covered by.
- [80:34]
Matt McCusker
People who know bikes like I do. I'm happy as a clam.
- [80:38]
Duncan Trussell
Disclaimer.
- [80:38]
Matt McCusker
No, conclusive scientific research has shown clams can experience. It just meant that I feel really good about my coverage.
- [80:43]
Duncan Trussell
I mean, even if you took the climb out for the best day ever.
- [80:45]
Matt McCusker
Visiting the zoo, taking a scenic ride, knowing you're insured by specialists and sharing.
- [80:49]
Duncan Trussell
A strawberry ice cream cone together, the.
- [80:50]
Matt McCusker
Clam would not feel happy.
- [80:51]
Duncan Trussell
And your strawberry cone would taste sort of clammy.
- [80:53]
Matt McCusker
Geico's motorcycle specialists who know bikes like you do, assume no liability for clammy ice cream cones. GEICO expertise for your motorcycle. Oh, 60% of a horn.
- [81:06]
Duncan Trussell
16%. 18.5 million. So 18.5 million men in the United States do not think it should be wrong to jerk off to fucking child porn.
- [81:17]
Matt McCusker
And that's the ones who admit it. That's the fucked up part.
- [81:20]
Duncan Trussell
We're going to get murdered. This is like data I've never heard before. You're not supposed to say this out loud. We're fucked.
- [81:25]
Matt McCusker
This is. I had no idea there was that many people. Outspoken.
- [81:29]
Duncan Trussell
That's the most terrifying statistic I've ever fucking seen.
- [81:31]
Matt McCusker
What were the ages? I got to see the ages of the study because they're very hit and like, like 12 year olds and they're like, yeah, fuck it, man.
- [81:38]
Duncan Trussell
Right? You're saying if there's like younger kids.
- [81:41]
Matt McCusker
I don't think. I don't think you can even ask kids about this shit.
- [81:43]
Duncan Trussell
A study shows that 58% of Americans have view pornographic material at least once and around 27% have watched it in the last month. So that study shows that 58% of Americans are happily lying.
- [81:54]
Matt McCusker
Damn. So they generate. Damn. I'm surprised the NCAA generates as much as porn.
- [81:59]
Duncan Trussell
Pornhub. Okay, there we go. Let's just go off Pornhub then. 100 million visits per day. And let's be conservative here and say each of those visits equals one ejaculation. Yeah, okay. And that's, you know, the data is rough here, so. So that's 250 milliliters. And, and, and convert that. Convert that. How many? Convert that to liters for me, Josh.
- [82:21]
Matt McCusker
I think it's 25.
- [82:22]
Duncan Trussell
250.
- [82:23]
Matt McCusker
250 might be 25 liters.
- [82:26]
Duncan Trussell
Milliliters to Milliliters to cups. Just do cups. Oh, million. Right. 250 milliliters. Just m. Out of the cups. 250 million milliliters cups.
- [82:39]
Matt McCusker
I need a picture of two liters full of cum.
- [82:41]
Duncan Trussell
So how many. So how many cups? 1.05 million. Okay. How many cups of water would fill up an Olympic sized swimming pool?
- [82:48]
Matt McCusker
Back to the original.
- [82:49]
Duncan Trussell
It's going to take you a long time. You're using cups.
- [82:52]
Matt McCusker
Yeah. Remember that number before would fill an Olympic pool? 105.
- [82:57]
Duncan Trussell
There's a better way to get to this number. One million.
- [83:01]
Matt McCusker
Dude, we need seven. I mean, easily we're filling up an Olympic pool.
- [83:04]
Duncan Trussell
So every day just pornhub fills up an Olympic sized swimming pool of American jizz. And that's being conservative.
- [83:15]
Matt McCusker
Yeah, that is being conservative because we're.
- [83:16]
Duncan Trussell
Using the median ejaculate rate.
- [83:19]
Matt McCusker
Yeah. That's insane.
- [83:22]
Duncan Trussell
Pull up an Olympic sized swimming pool, would you, Josh?
- [83:24]
Matt McCusker
This all comes back to manifesting like. Yeah. And then it's like, Jesus Christ.
- [83:31]
Duncan Trussell
I mean, I want to take.
- [83:32]
Matt McCusker
Let's.
- [83:32]
Duncan Trussell
Oh my God.
- [83:36]
Matt McCusker
Come on.
- [83:36]
Duncan Trussell
That's the end of the day at pornhub. That's the end of the day, dude.
- [83:42]
Matt McCusker
We'd be living in a different world if that swimming pool wasn't full of calm.
- [83:46]
Duncan Trussell
Dude, if it's. And also like, if everyone had to like gather together and put their come in a pool.
- [83:51]
Matt McCusker
I mean, we might as well.
- [83:53]
Duncan Trussell
That would be. I mean, it's worth it. As an art experiment. It would be incredible.
- [83:56]
Matt McCusker
Maybe we should get naked and put swastikas all over our chest and stand in a pool.
- [83:59]
Duncan Trussell
I was going to suggest that jizz stand in a pool of jizz to show that we hate the earth. Jizz in a pool, we're against the earth and we stand in jizz to show it. If a pool is full of jizz, could you swim or sink? Would. Of course. It's on Reddit.
- [84:20]
Matt McCusker
Oh, man.
- [84:22]
Duncan Trussell
Water has a density. Human body has a density of 1. The body is more dense and would sink. However, There are between 1 and 4 liters of air in the lungs. If you were holding your breath, you could. But. So you could do. You could float. You could float also.
- [84:34]
Matt McCusker
I'd be like a water bug on the surface tension.
- [84:36]
Duncan Trussell
Do me a favor. How much? What's the salt content of jizz, because.
- [84:39]
Matt McCusker
It'S, like, pretty high. Oh, yeah, you would be buoyant.
- [84:41]
Duncan Trussell
I think you're gonna be buoyant. Float tank salt content.
- [84:51]
Matt McCusker
Hold on.
- [84:53]
Duncan Trussell
26. 300 milligrams per 100 milliliters. That's pretty good. So what is that compared to the Dead Sea? What's the salt content of the Dead Sea?
- [85:08]
Matt McCusker
300 milligrams. Okay. It's nine times seven. So the real test is we got to taste the regular ocean and then.
- [85:16]
Duncan Trussell
Taste and taste our own jizz.
- [85:18]
Matt McCusker
Yeah, world's oceans is 3.5%. We can do the percentage if we go back.
- [85:24]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah, let's go back and figure out what the percentage of salt and jizz compared to the oceans.
- [85:28]
Matt McCusker
I mean, 300 and 100. That seems like 33% somewhere around there, doesn't that. That's like a 33% kind of thing.
- [85:34]
Duncan Trussell
I mean, you know, this is the kind of thing where, you know, 70% of my. How many scientists, they will do the work for us. I'm sure this is so. I'm sure we'll see this as a published.
- [85:45]
Matt McCusker
Yeah. How many milligrams in one milliliter? I don't know if that's even a thing, but go. Let's go. Thousand milligrams in a milliliter. Okay, so if there was 300 to a thousand, that's 30%. Well, yeah, that's about 30.
- [85:59]
Duncan Trussell
There's something poignant about that, that our jizz and the saline content of the ocean kind of match the Dead Sea.
- [86:04]
Matt McCusker
The ocean's like 3.5. Dead Sea is like 30.
- [86:08]
Duncan Trussell
That's so.
- [86:09]
Matt McCusker
So it's sick.
- [86:11]
Duncan Trussell
So that means you would. If you jumped in a pool of jizz, you're not going to drown, you're just going to float. You're going to be buoyant as hell.
- [86:17]
Matt McCusker
You're going to be.
- [86:18]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah, it's 3 to 5%. So it's the same as the ocean. The fuck it's the same as the ocean. That's like a beautiful.
- [86:25]
Matt McCusker
Okay, that's cool.
- [86:26]
Duncan Trussell
What are women complaining about when they get jizz in their eyes? It's the same with the ocean. Just exactly. I don't like getting salt water in my eyes.
- [86:31]
Matt McCusker
It's a beautiful spray. It's a beautiful mist. A pleasant mist.
- [86:35]
Duncan Trussell
That's the name of our movie.
- [86:38]
Matt McCusker
Pleasant Mist. That would be actually so funny.
- [86:44]
Duncan Trussell
Me and the wife are gonna go watch Pleasant Mist.
- [86:46]
Matt McCusker
They have these beautiful shots of like, PC Pacific highway, pch.
- [86:51]
Duncan Trussell
Matt, thank you so much.
- [86:52]
Matt McCusker
That was awesome.
- [86:53]
Duncan Trussell
Thank you. We ended with, like, science. I think we have, like, definitely pushed science ahead because of this podcast.
- [87:01]
Matt McCusker
You fill the pool. You finally got your answer on the pool. It's a pool.
- [87:04]
Duncan Trussell
It's a.
- [87:04]
Matt McCusker
It's Justin America.
- [87:05]
Duncan Trussell
No, that's just porn. It's more than one pool.
- [87:07]
Matt McCusker
That's what I'm saying.
- [87:08]
Duncan Trussell
I think you could probably extrapolate that, like the top 10 most popular porn sites are generating one Olympic size swimming pool full of jizz per day. And then I didn't even get into. And I won't. Maybe the next India.
- [87:20]
Matt McCusker
Imagine India. I mean, with like any country with a billion. I know a country with a billion. Some, like, some billion people.
- [87:26]
Duncan Trussell
So I think we're getting. We're not. I think in a. In. I think you could. I probably. I'm just throwing this out there. You guys could do the math for me, please. I'm going to say every three months at a global level, enough semen is generated to fill one of the Great Lakes.
- [87:43]
Matt McCusker
I was thinking of taking it to a lake as well. I think that's fair.
- [87:46]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah, I think it's fair to say.
- [87:48]
Matt McCusker
The smallest Great Lake, but definitely one of the Great Lakes.
- [87:51]
Duncan Trussell
And you know, I don't know. And I don't. I'm sorry. I mean, I know you're alt, right? I know you're fascist, but I. But, you know, I do weep for the earth and I don't want my kids, when they get older to go to a dry, dead Great Lake. And I think we've created. If we can come up with desalination plants for human semen, and we create organized circle jerks in front of bodies of water that have dried up because of climate change.
- [88:22]
Matt McCusker
Not a bad idea.
- [88:23]
Duncan Trussell
We have potentially solved the climate crisis, at least when it comes to access.
- [88:29]
Matt McCusker
To water, potentially the immigration crisis, because we could use migrant labor to just all come in the lakes.
- [88:35]
Duncan Trussell
We could have like, you know, listen, I am a fan of open borders.
- [88:42]
Matt McCusker
But he's so nice.
- [88:44]
Duncan Trussell
I'm a fan of open borders, but honestly, I kind of want the Great Lakes to be filled with American coffee.
- [88:49]
Matt McCusker
You want American coffee?
- [88:53]
Duncan Trussell
You're the best, man. Thanks for coming on the show. Thank you. That was Matt McCosker for the Scientists out there. Seriously, in the comments, wherever you're picking this thing up, help us with the math. I know we probably did it wrong and I know a lot of you out there have much higher IQs than we do. So could you just go through those numbers? Maybe do your own analysis of the data out there and in the comments section for folks who might be scrolling through the comments, do the math and help us. Because what I think the question we actually had is globally, how much semen is ejaculated globally? And we're using porn as the metric for that. But it's more than that because probably not everyone's jerking off to porn. I think we should exclude actual sex, though, because we're talking about free roaming jizz here, not like jizz landing in an orifice. So do the math. You can leave that in the comment section here, and I would really appreciate that. And whoever does the best job, I will mention you and I will bring it up in the next podcast if your data checks out. Thank you so much. Don't forget to go see Matt in San Antonio this weekend. My dates are at Duncan Trussell. Com. I'll see you next time.