694: Johnny Pemberton

Summary

Podcast Summary: Duncan Trussell Family Hour - Episode 694: Johnny Pemberton

Release Date: June 15, 2025

---

Introduction

In Episode 694 of the Duncan Trussell Family Hour, host Duncan Trussell welcomes comedian Johnny Pemberton back to the show amidst a period of significant professional success for Johnny. The episode dives into a wide array of topics, ranging from Hollywood dynamics and the nature of fame to whimsical discussions about animal behavior and personal anecdotes.

---

Hollywood Insights and Career Highlights

Duncan opens the conversation by addressing Johnny's recent achievements in Hollywood, highlighting his projects Fallout and Mermaid, and his new Netflix show.

• Duncan: "[00:34] You got Mermaid. Your movie just got distribution... peak career for you."

Johnny attributes his success to "broken clocks" moments—times when circumstances align unexpectedly.

• Johnny: "[00:52] Sometimes things just line up... it's like those astrological phenomena."

They humorously discuss the skepticism around astrology versus other unconventional prediction methods.

---

Humorous Takes on Pets and Animal Behavior

The duo shifts the conversation to quirky topics like pet nutrition and the absurdity of certain pet care practices.

• Duncan: "[02:11] ...they call it, like, cat cream or something. Cat cream or like, forest lotion."

They explore the exaggerated lengths pet owners go to pamper their cats, touching on mythical elements like the "golden fleece" and debating the intelligence of cats.

• Johnny: "[05:34] I think they can tell the difference between hardly anything."

The conversation segues into a humorous exploration of unusual animal interactions, including references to James O'Keefe's undercover operations and the peculiar behaviors of dolphins.

---

Parenting and Child Interaction

A significant portion of the episode delves into the challenges and joys of parenting, particularly in communicating with young children.

• Johnny: "[13:59] They have points they want to fucking make."

They discuss treating children as aware beings with their own thoughts and frustrations, emphasizing the importance of attentive and respectful interactions.

• Duncan: "[14:12] ...give them the same attention you give any human."

---

Cultural Observations and Social Commentary

Duncan and Johnny engage in a philosophical discussion about societal norms, cultural bubbles, and the evolution of underground movements into mainstream phenomena.

• Duncan: "[24:32] Everything becomes in time... The underground goes above ground."

They critique modern marketing strategies and the pervasive nature of certain cultural messages, reflecting on how personal experiences shape their perception of societal trends.

---

Personal Anecdotes and Humorous Stories

The episode is peppered with personal stories and comedic exchanges, including Johnny's experiences during a courtship marked by unconventional behavior and Duncan's childhood memories.

• Johnny: "[71:13] That's a classic stroker."

Their banter touches on absurd scenarios, such as miniature animals and exaggerated physical comedy, showcasing their unique comedic chemistry.

---

Conclusion and Future Projects

As the episode wraps up, Duncan and Johnny discuss Johnny's upcoming tour and the release schedule of his new Netflix show, expressing excitement and anticipation for his continued success.

• Duncan: "[74:40] Come see me in Oklahoma City and Tulsa and Kansas City and Springfield in July."

They emphasize supporting each other's projects and closing the episode on a high note of camaraderie and mutual respect.

---

Notable Quotes

• Johnny: "[00:52] Sometimes things just line up... it's like those astrological phenomena."
• Duncan: "[13:58] ...get them laughing to the point where they could barely breathe."
• Johnny: "[14:12] What are you supposed to do with a kid?... My experience is so I just don't understand it, you know."
• Duncan: "[24:32] Everything becomes in time... The underground goes above ground."

---

Key Takeaways

• Career Momentum: Johnny Pemberton is experiencing significant career growth with multiple projects gaining traction in Hollywood and on streaming platforms.

• Humor and Whimsy: The episode is rich with humorous takes on everyday topics, showcasing the hosts' ability to find comedy in the mundane and the absurd.

• Parenting Philosophy: Emphasizes treating children with the same respect and attention as adults, recognizing their awareness and emotional needs.

• Cultural Critique: Offers a thoughtful critique of how underground movements become mainstream and the impact of pervasive marketing strategies on personal perception.

• Personal Connection: The hosts share personal anecdotes that add depth and relatability to the conversation, strengthening the listener's connection to both Duncan and Johnny.

---

Conclusion

Episode 694 of the Duncan Trussell Family Hour with Johnny Pemberton is a blend of insightful discussions, humorous anecdotes, and candid conversations about personal and societal topics. The chemistry between Duncan and Johnny provides an engaging listening experience, making complex and humorous topics accessible and entertaining for the audience.

Transcript

[A]

Johnny, welcome back to the dtfh. It is so good, so great. You look great.

[B]

Thank you. I feel great. I'm moving great. My body's been super, like, all my joints have been doing. Really?

[A]

Yeah. This arm is pulling out a lot more than it used to. You're not as stiff.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Man, you are really, like, having this, like, insane momentum right now. I want to start off with Hollywood bullshit. Everyone's sick of Hollywood bullshit. But, dude, fallout. You've got Mermaid. Your movie just got distribution.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You got your new Netflix show that. I think this is why you're on this podcast tour to talk about. But what happened? Isn't this the craziest. This has got to be peak career for you.

[B]

Just broken clocks, right? Twice a day kind of thing.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yeah. Sometimes things just line up. It's like when you have those astrological phenomenon, when all the planets are lined up, people are like, oh, we got. This is the time to buy milk. To buy the moon milk that lasts for weeks as opposed to a couple days. And this is just that. It's just like. Just common things line up and you can't do anything about it. Sometimes they just line up.

[A]

Right. Yeah. What is that? They have that saying, millionaires tell the future reading cat intestines. Billionaires tell the future using astrology.

[B]

That's. I've heard that. Yep. Yeah, I have heard that. I'm neither of those, but, you know, I hope not. Yeah.

[A]

Because astrology's bullshit. But I'll tell you, man, cats guts, it's like the Bible, basically.

[B]

And that's why violins sound so good.

[A]

100. And why they don't sound as good anymore. Because.

[B]

Yeah, cats just. They don't get the same type of protein they used to get.

[A]

No, they don't. Yeah. It used to be, you know, when my dad would tell me, he would just feed his cat dog jizz. Like a bowl of dog jizz. That was a very common thing in medieval times. They didn't call it that. They called it, like, cat cream or something. Cat cream or like, forest lotion.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

But now they're just feeding them canned meat. And I feel bad for. I mean, there's that. You know, you can get the services where they'll send you dog Jews for your cat farmer's jizz. Farmer's jizz. It's expensive and it is.

[B]

But, you know, I mean, what do you. What's money for?

[A]

Well, I think it's for a lot of people, especially these days. They don't have that kind of, like, Spare change to order frozen chunks of dog jizz to feed their cats. It's like $20 a chunk.

[B]

Yeah, but it's the thing where, you know, the cat's life expectancy is so it's lengthened. It has a better life.

[A]

It's coat is like, oh my God, you should see my friend's cat. It's like being around like a princess.

[B]

Well, the golden fleece. That's what a lot of people say. The golden flee fleece originally was just a really nice cat.

[A]

Well taken care of.

[B]

Like a big Maine coon. You know what a Maine coon is?

[A]

Of course.

[B]

Yeah, it was a Maine coon. That was. It just was so sleepy. They thought it was a fleece, but actually it's just a main kind of beautiful. They don't. You can't get a golden Maine coon anymore.

[A]

No, no good. No. Good luck getting any kind.

[B]

Good luck, Jason.

[A]

Cat pelt. Yeah, they're hard to find and controversial and super controversial.

[B]

I had one mind taken away at the. Where was it? What airport? It was jfk.

[A]

Well, you know, and then there's the controversy about the service that sends the dog jizz. You know, I don't know if you saw this. I saw Tucker Carlson did this whole piece on it and it, you know, now there's all of these like whispers that it's not dog jizz, that it's actual farmer. It's just farmers. Because it's easier for a farmer, of course, a collective of farmers, I guess you could say, to masturbate and freeze it than it is to jerk off dogs.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I can't get my dog to do hardly anything, let alone, I mean, it's a girl, but still.

[A]

Well, that's gonna be real hard. Yeah, you're gonna have to like. I mean, I'm sure like female dogs squirt, but it's. That's not what cats eat.

[B]

No, that's what. That's just urine though.

[A]

It's. That dude. Busted him too. Man. Did you see that footage? That guy who gets all the hidden camera footage and he's at a barbecue place with his farmer and I don't know what's the name of that guy, man, he's like the guy who went after the pharma pharmaceutical companies. O' Keefe.

[B]

Keefe.

[A]

James o' Keefe. You know what I'm talking about?

[B]

Oh, right, yes. He's a lawyer, right?

[A]

Yeah, he's a lawyer. He's always getting people into trouble, like high ranking people. But I guess he's Friends with Tuck, and he went to Kentucky and he ended up at this barbecue place. There's square dancing in the background. I don't know how he gets people to open up to him like that. But the farmer is just like. He's like, come on, are you guys really jerking off dogs? And the farmer's like, well, you got me. You know, it's really difficult, and dogs don't come as much as people think. And, you know, so we'll just jerk each other off. Humans produce more semen and then, like, busted, dude. So now the whole operation's probably gonna get shut down. That being said, I don't think cats give a fuck. I don't think a cat is eating jizz and is like, this is human jizz.

[B]

I'm not a cat guy either, so.

[A]

I mean, I'm not either. I don't know much. Any cat people out there leave a comment if you think your cat could tell the difference between human or dog jizz.

[B]

I mean, I think they can tell the difference between hardly anything.

[A]

No, me either. I mean, absolutely not. There is, like, a whole theory out there that cats are the dumbest creatures and anyone who likes cats really is a fucking idiot. Yeah, I haven't heard that. It's a whole paper. MIT just released it.

[B]

Mit? Oh, so, you know, it's.

[A]

It's.

[B]

That's. Yeah, that's. It makes sense. I mean, because it's like, dolphins are smarter than people, right?

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

That's for sure.

[A]

Like, 50%.

[B]

Who was the guy did. Was it John Lilly who used to study them? Yes, but didn't he also. Didn't. Didn't he also used to do that? He would. He would masturbate the dolphin or he would perform a manual.

[A]

Well, dolphins are horny creatures and, like, there seems to be some kind of correlation between. Yeah. Josh, can you pull up dolphin assaulting woman?

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

Have you ever seen this before?

[B]

I mean, I haven't seen it, but I know about it.

[A]

Well, dolphins are, like, you know, the.

[B]

Only creature that aren't human that rapes. Right.

[A]

We don't say that on.

[B]

Sorry. You're the only creature that does.

[A]

Take a note at that time. There's something you're supposed to say.

[B]

I know you're not supposed to say.

[A]

That there's a word for it.

[B]

It's the only creature that does an aggressive essay, too.

[A]

Yeah, and cut the audio on it, Josh. I don't know if this is the one. The humping dolphin.

[B]

Oh, that's crazy. These are. These are polarized. So I can't see anything.

[A]

Boom, bang, bang. See that? They're horny. So dolphins are horny creatures. They're sexual creatures. They definitely have a whole different set of ethics when it comes to humping ethics than humans do from what I've heard. But yeah. John Lilly first, it wasn't just that he was studying them. He apparently put a flotation tank over a dolphin aquarium and would take either LSD or ketamine because he thought that dolphins were telepathic and that he could, when he was high, telepathically communicate with the dolphin. And I think he did achieve that communication. And you can guess the first thing the dolphin said to him.

[B]

Manual. What's manual? Simulation from him.

[A]

Yeah, that's the first exact. Like it's just no, like, oh my God, we can finally communicate. It's like, what do you say? Jerk me off, man.

[B]

What about the female dolphins though?

[A]

Horny.

[B]

But do they, do they ever ask anything of him? You know, did he ever talk about that?

[A]

Listen, in the old days, right, when like sailors, when there was a pod of dolphins swimming by, you would just jump in the ocean and it was like an orgy. Like sailors were just like pirates with bang. Dolphins. Like this is part of where they think the mermaids came from, right?

[B]

Or that. And also manatees.

[A]

Manatees are fucking weird.

[B]

Manatees are weird. They're also just so, so ugly. That it's like that just tells you everything you know about sailors is that a sailor would think that that's. You've been out to sea so long and you're so like sun baked and been eating like saltwater biscuits and stuff that you want to have sex with that thing. Fucking manatee.

[A]

I've got the fire in me lines again. Look out there. That beautiful creature. A mermaid free.

[B]

Look at her beautiful hair and its whiskers.

[A]

Yeah. Daughter of. Daughter of Poseidon.

[B]

Look at there. What is the pirate voice? Even a pirate voice is like, it's almost like Irish, right?

[A]

Yeah, it's kind of Irish. Irish iron.

[B]

Who goes there? Ir, let me meet here. Aye, Captain Jack Sparrow, I challenge you to. How can have more sex with this? Beautiful. I keep dumping, I keep dropping. Oh, it keeps becoming like this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

A fucking pirate.

[A]

The Irish accent will take over.

[B]

Everything.

[A]

Everything will go to Irish eventually.

[B]

Maybe all pirates are Irish. It kind of makes sense.

[A]

Sense. I'm pretty sure that there was a lot of Irish pirates. I can't be certain of that.

[B]

I'm pirish Irish pirates.

[A]

Pirish Irish pirates. Remember when was the last time you Went to Disneyland.

[B]

Oh, it's been a while. A couple years.

[A]

So most people have gone to Disneyland since they were a kid or they've had a couple of encounters with that. Do you remember when Pirates of the.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

When like, they had to take, like the original pirates was. Was an actual. Probably what would happen if pirates attacked the village?

[B]

I mean, their pirates are the worst.

[A]

They're chasing women around.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They're like. Like, it's.

[B]

It was that little spend. Or the guy was chasing the woman because she is a. A prostitute. Who. Who. That's what she does is when they come. When the pilots come to. When the pilots. The pirates come to shore. Yeah, they, you know, they. They take some services there.

[A]

Yeah, absolutely.

[B]

Made it. So he's. I think she's chasing him with a rolling pin now.

[A]

Yeah, she's. Which isn't much, but I think they actually even. Yeah, yeah, that. It is a rolling pin, but he.

[B]

Sold some bread or something like that.

[A]

When you, like when I think, right. Like these days, my wife and I, we're very careful about what we show the kids. Right. Like, you know, I find myself in like, the classic stereotypical dad role. Cause, you know, you're watching shit with the kids and you kind of want to watch something a little more interesting, right? So you kind of make it work in your head. You're like, they can watch Star Wars.

[B]

Oh, you're trying to, like, justify showing something to them that you want to.

[A]

See, but it's self interest. You're like, you know, I could be. But also, it would be fun. I can't wait for the first time for them to see Star Wars. And every fucking time I start showing them Star Wars. It's crazy. It's like mom telepathy. Like, Aaron, I could be like, aaron, go upstairs, take a break. We're just gonna watch some shows. And she'll go upstairs. And then, like, she just. Yeah, right. When it's getting cold, she comes down and is like, don't show them this. You can't show them Star Wars. You can't show them the Dark Crystal. You can't cause movies from back then. Our parents didn't care about us. And certainly Walt Disney didn't have the same sense of what kids should see. He's like, yeah, that's what pirates were like. They would invade a village and just assault women. You didn't think that's what was happening when you were a kid, though?

[B]

I guess not. But I also think it's good because some of that, I think that Dark stuff is good because it's not, it's unfiltered, you know, it's like actually kind of bad. Because things are kind of bad sometimes, right?

[A]

Well, yeah, but when do you start introducing that to a kindergartner?

[B]

That's the question. I, I have no idea. I think I would not know because I would think, oh, like when I was trying to talk to your kid the other day, your oldest, about reading, I was like, I assumed he could like totally fully read books now. But I'm like, oh, he's not reading yet. Like, like I just don't understand that that age is not it. Just to me I'm thinking like, oh, you start reading like kindergarten or something like that. I didn't realize that that's the age you start learning how to read. And just in my mind it's like, totally. He's way more advanced than that. But I'm like, oh wait, this is a little kid. A little, little kid, right? And you, yeah, you do have to wait for that stuff. But I just have. My experience is so I just don't understand it, you know, I don't.

[A]

Well, yeah, you, Me either. I didn't understand it. I didn't know like in the beginning. You have no idea. And you know, when I was, before I was a parent, you know, I would look at like young children like they were just not even there. Like you, when you're a parent, you begin to realize that you're dealing with a fully aware being severely confused by lack of information.

[B]

But like a supercomputer that's learning, it's like this crazy.

[A]

Just a person who can't talk. It's a person who doesn't know English yet. It's a person who has, who's like not bilingual is unling like it's a non linguistic person who has a lot of things they want to say, a lot of things they want. And they're infinitely frustrated by their inability to walk, move, reach most things and especially tell you what the fuck they're trying to say.

[B]

Yeah, make a point.

[A]

Oh yeah. And they have points they want to fucking make. And they have to learn to just sort of like resign themselves to. Maybe this will get through, maybe it won't. Luckily a lot of what they're saying involves like snacks.

[B]

Well, what are you supposed to do with a kid? Because a lot of times I'll talk to my neighbor's kid or like your kids or something like that and I don't understand what the kid's saying, but are you Supposed to go like, okay, huh? You're supposed to pretend like you know, or are you supposed to be like, like, foreign?

[A]

This episode of the DTFH has been supported by my friends at Cash App. And I do mean my friends, because I don't carry actual cash around anymore. Do you? I don't want to go to an atm. I don't want to get those weird rectangles with the cult symbols all over them sullying up my pocket. You really want to have a bunch of cash in your back pocket? You know how many people have just desecrated cash? Do you know when you're holding that filthy, slimy money? You don't know. It's been in a lot of bad places for sure. Someone has farted on it. For sure. It's been shoved in somebody's. I probably can't say it on a commercial. You don't want that stuff. And so because I wander around without that stuff, inevitably I. When I'm out on the road, you want to tip the taxi driver, you want to tip the valet, and you don't have cash. And now you look like a total dick. You look like a dick. What are you going to be like? I'll go down an ATM and come back. I've tried that before. The look they give you is like, you piece of shit. You're not coming back. You're not going to an atm. And they're right because. Not because I don't want it legitimately tip, but just because I don't want to go to the atm. It takes extra time. I usually have to poop. So this is where Cash app comes in. And always they will say, I take. I'm like, well, like, is there another thing we can do here? And they always. They take Cash app, always. That's what I love about it. It has freed me from having to have that filthy disease devil paper in my pocket. And it's easy. You can send it a little emoji. It's cool. And most importantly, it's easy. I mean, honestly, that's what I like about it best. It saves me from humiliation. And there's not a lot of complexity in setting it up. And it always works. And everyone uses it. Pretty much everyone uses it. The only people who don't use it are, like, old crusts. But if for some insane reason you don't already have Cash app and you're like, hey, man, I'm not a crust, just download it from your phone's app store sign up. Enter my code Duncan in Your profile send $5 to a friend and you'll get $10 just for getting started. Think about that right now, just from watching, listening to my podcast. You can make five bucks. You can give your friends five bucks. All you gotta do is download the app, use code Duncan and send $5 to a friend. You'll get $10 just for getting started. Again, for a limited time only. This is insane. New Cash App users can use our exclusive code to earn some additional cash. For real? There's no catch. Just download Cash App and sign up. Use our exclusive referral code Dunkin in your profile. You send $5 to a friend within 14 days and you'll get 10 bucks dropped right into your account. Terms apply. That's money. That's Cash App. Thank you. Cash App.

[B]

What? Until they say something you understand. Are you supposed to say, I'm sorry, I don't understand you?

[A]

There's one answer to that just depends. Like, some, you know, sometimes it seems like what they're saying is important. And my wife is more of a translator, so she could be like, this is what they're saying. But sometimes, you know, you do have to kind of. There's a slight amount of like, oh, okay. Now they could be saying, like, I see your aura. You should understand that if you don't deal with what happened in your past incarnation, you're gonna keep repeating this fucking cycle. And I came here to tell you that that's the only reason I incarnated. But it sounds like, yeah, but really what I've learned in interacting with children is. And it sounds obvious, but I don't think for a lot of people it is, because that is just treat them when they're as though they're like an adult. Not in the sense of, like, you talk about politics with them, but in the sense that you give them the same attention you give any human. And if you do that with any. I remember when I first started dating Aaron, kids, babies would go by her and, like, look at her and smile and, like, it was the wildest thing. Now I think I know what was happening is she didn't see. She doesn't see them as, like, sort of insignificant little things, human things. And they feel that. Of course, if you've been getting carted around and people are, like, barely looking at you, or if they do look at you, they're not really listening to you or paying attention to you in a human way. And then someone, like, is aware that you're aware. It makes a big difference.

[B]

That happens to me a lot, too. I'm traveling, I'll, like, some kid will see me from really far away and they'll be like, dude, look at him. Like, this kid's looking at me. So I'd be like, you know, make a face at the kid. And they have this weird little game like, yeah, really far away. Or you're making a face and making the kid laugh and stuff. Yeah. I think that's so much more fun than any adults because adults are so boring in terms of, like, especially with comedy. You know what I mean? Like, if you make a kid laugh, it's so much. So much more gratifying than anything else.

[A]

Fucking best.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, when you get them go.

[B]

Because once you find the thing, you.

[A]

Dial in, you can keep them laughing to the point where they could barely breathe. And it's the best sound. I mean, if you think audiences laughing is great. One kid, like, legitimately laughing, dying. Yeah, the best ever, man. It's the best. And. And surprisingly, you know, not that easy. Like you can tickle them and get him to laugh, but, like the intellectual laugh.

[B]

Yeah, more where you, like, you like, wait, do a second, you stop for a second, and you. Good. You do it.

[A]

Yeah, that. Yeah.

[B]

You hold back and then you do it again.

[A]

It's amazing. Yeah, it's like, you know, my kids, like, you know, I play like Bill Hicks for them.

[B]

Oh, really? You started with that?

[A]

Not into Hicks.

[B]

They're not into Hicks. Yeah, that makes sense.

[A]

They think he's kind of self indulgent. That's their analysis. And then too many words. You know, they say the middle child says, like, I get why. Probably people thought this was interesting based on, like, my understanding of the Zeitgeist back then. He's sort of in the tradition of Lenny Bruce, I guess. But couldn't you kind of argue, like, Carlin already did this, and this is just some kind of like, you know, Texan alcoholic George Carlin or something. But hasn't it already been done in a more concise way? Big argument with a baby over that. She loves Hicks. She thinks he's got great gags. Yeah, Yeah.

[B]

I guess maybe she's watching different stuff, you know?

[A]

Well, I mean, you know, I don't know. I don't even know where she's watching him. I don't show them Bill Hicks, but, like, I guess she's. I don't know if kids are just fundamentally aware of some of the.

[B]

At the playground.

[A]

No idea.

[B]

I don't pick up.

[A]

We just let him walk to the playground. I don't know what goes on over.

[B]

There, a lot of kids. I heard there's a lot of birds that are doing that now. Yeah, they're doing Hicks. They're doing Bill Hicks jokes and stuff. These birds are doing, like, carrots and stuff.

[A]

They're just doing, like, you know, unsuccessfully. Like, I mean, you know, Bill Hicks was like, sometimes not good at doing Bill Hicks. And so then when you see, like, some bird trying to imitate that style and there's no punchline, and it's just sort of like. But, you know, the thing is, there was a time where everyone and their friends weren't saying the kind of things Bill Hicks was saying or Terrence McKinnon was saying. There really was a time where you could ramble about the Singularity or any of this stuff I love talking about. And people are like, what the. They hadn't heard it. Now everyone's heard this.

[B]

I mean, it's. I feel like a lot of people have, but also, I'm surprised sometimes when it's the opposite. When you go someplace and you talk about stuff and people are just like, what? They have no idea, you know, because you. How. How do you not know? But how do some people know so much? Like, how is there no intersection here? It doesn't make any sense to me.

[A]

It's just like, you know, I guess it just depends on what the algorithm serving up for them. But it feels like. And it's impossible to say we're all in our own little bubbles, but it feels like there's more people who are aware of things that used to be the sort of classic stoner, underground stuff you would talk about. It seems like that is no longer underground. In fact, that has become a kind of played out, almost annoying. Like, not that it never wasn't annoying, but.

[B]

But at least it was more. It was more fun. It was more like. I know you're saying, but it's like anything, right? Everything becomes in time. The underground goes above ground with time. The thing that's punk becomes mainstream.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And all these things just end up. That happens to so many things. Something you can do about it. It's just like the nature of. Nature of culture, right? To go from. Go from being underground, unlimited to being everywhere. It's like marketing, you know? Like, when you see stuff, I keep feeling like I'm gonna die from marketing. You know what I mean? Like, just like, you see, like, qt, like, there's this thing at the hotel. Okay. There's an area of the hotel that's closed off.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And it's a little sign and it should just say, closed.

[A]

Yeah, sure.

[B]

Currently closed. Or, you know, it doesn't say that. It says something like, this path shall not be taken.

[A]

Oh, no. What the. Is going, like, just, you mother.

[B]

But stuff like that is everywhere now.

[A]

It's just everywhere. Okay, I know what.

[B]

You know what I mean.

[A]

But maybe you have to ask yourself. It's an important question to ask yourself. Am I just cynical? Like, in other words, like, so, like, is it just that we're at the part of our lives now where that shit doesn't work on us anymore? And there. There are so many people who go to that hotel and they see that and they're like, whoa. They could have just said, don't come here, but.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Wow. This path shall not be taken. Pretty cool hotel, babe. Like, you know, it works.

[B]

I don't know. I think about that all the time because it's all the stuff I see. And it bothers me so much that I'm like, what's going on here? Is this. I don't know. Sometimes I think that maybe it's because I'm noticing it more because I'm not, like, doing enough of my own thing currently. It's like a dry sponge soaks up everything.

[A]

Yeah. Right.

[B]

So if I'm a dry sponge, I'm going to soak up even dirty water.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But if I'm like, a sponge that has moisture in it or something that's, like, from my own making or my own choosing, it's going to be harder to pick that up because I'm not going to be so aware, like, picking something up.

[A]

I think it's a good sign that that bothers you. I do think that's a good sign. I mean, that, like, you know, I can remember taking acid with my friend Emil in Chapel Hill, and we did the mistake that you should never do, especially when you're on, like, an authentic acid trip, which is we turned on the tv.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Okay.

[A]

You know what I mean? Don't do that. And what happens is stuff that you used to just sort of thing. That's the tv. It. It looks. It gives you the same feeling. That sign gave you everything.

[B]

It's putting on the sunglasses and they live, right? Yes, that's what it is.

[A]

Yeah. It is, like, overwhelmingly dystopian. It seems blasphemous almost. And you're watching, like. I think we were watching mtv. So we're just watching some, you know, hip MTV personality talking about some music video, and both of us are looking at each other like, oh. Oh, my oh, my God. It's like watching a black mass, you know, like watching demons cavort in hell. And when. So the acid is just sort of like peeling away the callus that allows you to engage in the world of absurdity. And so I think that's a good thing to sort of get that sense of, like, why is it that it feels like anywhere I go, someone is trying to seduce me or manipulate me for a variety of weird reasons, none of them good.

[B]

Yeah. I think it's also. You have to remember that a lot of people are just really. They're really. I don't. I don't mean this as a pejorative, but, like, they're really normal. They're very. Like just have a very simple, normal life. And they've also probably never taken. Never had. Never even had a psychedelic experience. Not. Not only. Not taken any psychedelic drugs ever, never even had a psychedelic experience in their life. And so there's so many things that are. That you're just. You don't know. You don't know what you don't know. You're so closed off, but not in like a. Not like a terrible way. It's just. You know what I mean? It's like you just. You just haven't. There's just a less level of awareness. And that's just your life. And you don't know that you're not feeling that stuff because you can't. It's like that thing where, like, if once you are. If you're looking down upon something, the thing you're looking down upon can't tell. It just. It does not have the same perspective. It's just. Their perspective is just slightly more rudimentary, I guess, you know? Well, it feels so mean and so, like. So, like. I don't know.

[A]

It's. I don't know. I think, like, for sure this doesn't happen to me anymore because I'm an adult. But don't you remember when you were a kid, you go over to a friend's house and it's a formal house. There's a formality, like in my family was like this too, where if you would go to a Thanksgiving dinner, there were a set of, like, fairly severe rules. It was a formal situation. There was things you should do, things you shouldn't do. That, you know, obviously that's any house, but this was like, formal. And if you fucked up any of these things, like, it would not be forgotten. Like, you could really offend people. And it was walking in. In the middle of a game of like a board game where no one explained the rules to you. And so you're a kid too, so you are going to fuck up in extreme ways. So that I feel like I've experienced, I've encountered a kind of hyper defensiveness that is generational, that generations of their family have developed this incredible defense mechanism to block out the freaks. And so if they pick you up as a threat, it really could rile them up. But that's weird too. I mean, our kind of weird is weird, but that's fucking like I actually went through a whole period. I'd love to know your thoughts on this. I'm still there. Where I think the concept of normie is a myth. I don't think there's such a thing as a normie. There's just different types of weird. It's all weird across the board. There is no way to achieve normie status on a planet because the situation is so absurd innately that they're achieving a normie level is impossible.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, but isn't that sort of just perspective then? Like, it's just like one person's weird, another person's normal and vice versa. It's like when you go, if you go to like a psychedelic conference, everyone's the goddamn same because they're all there for the same thing. But if you were like, it's like Robert Smith wearing a hockey jersey, like that's, that's weird because he's a punk, but he's wearing this sports jersey.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So it's. He did that thing where he, he flipped that on his head because he's not supposed to wear that. Be that guy. But he did. So it's like there's two worlds crossing.

[A]

That was a powerful moment. Yeah, that was a real powerful moment in the goth universe, right? Yeah, that was a pretty incredible.

[B]

In fact, he did his whole career. Right. I mean, still doing it.

[A]

But what I mean is. So the weird is a self referential. You want to be weird. I mean, this is generally what like you hope you're weird, you don't want to be a normie. And so the weird calls the nor weird for normie means weird. When you're a weird. When you wanted to call someone weird, you don't call them weird, you say they're normie. But really what you're saying is they're weird. And what I'm saying is there is. Yeah, it's not just perspective. It's like, how can you achieve a normal mode of being in the middle of infinity?

[B]

Yeah, there Is no normal in that sense. There's no weird. There's no normal. Because, you see, if the timeline's infinite, you can also make the case of some of the weirdest people are the ones who appear the most normal.

[A]

Always.

[B]

That's how you be super weird.

[A]

Yeah, Always.

[B]

As you're undercover under.

[A]

Well, that. Yeah, no, that's like. That's where. That's. The other thing is, we're talking about a scale here, where we've placed ourselves somewhere on the scale based on our own sort of like looking at ourselves and comparing ourselves to a very small data set. By the way, when we run into most people, you're just catching little glimpses.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You have no fucking idea what's going on behind the scenes. And what's going on behind the scenes. I have a feeling, based on the quad zillion terabytes of pornography that exists in the world, that I'm pretty sure nobody's fucking normal. I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure that there are people who are more adept at conveying some kind of, like, onstage Persona, but offstage, in your house, dude. God. This is why people get into peeping, you know? This is why people creep around, like to stare in fucking windows and look at people. Because probably when you see people in their natural element, you just get this realization that we live in cuckoo land, you know, People are nuts. People are putting diapers on a monkey, you know, no doubt right now there's somebody just putting a diaper on a monkey in their house.

[B]

Well, you have to. Otherwise you get everywhere.

[A]

That's what they say. Yeah, but you're also kind of like, did you have to get a monkey?

[B]

Yeah, but the monkey gives so much back.

[A]

I know you have.

[B]

I've. I. I'm trying to get to the point where I can have a monkey. That's what I'm working. That's why I'm working so hard, is I just want to be able to get to the point where get the monkey, then I get the miniature donkey, and the monkey takes care of the miniature donkey so I can go on vacation without having to do shows. Do shows. So once they have the. The. We have to have two monkeys.

[A]

You could do a one monkey show.

[B]

I could, but I mean. But I want the two monkeys to take care of the miniature donkey so I don't have to have someone come in at night to take care of the monkey when the monkey's sleeping because the donkey is gonna be up.

[A]

Oh, you mean so they could take shifts.

[B]

Yeah, shifts. So If I have two monkeys.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Then I can have one miniature donkey. And then I can also have the goats because the goats can't be alone either.

[A]

Miniature too?

[B]

No, just regular sized goats. I wanna have. Maybe you have to have at least two goats.

[A]

Don't you think that's gonna not fit in with the aesthetic of miniature cuties at your house?

[B]

No, cuz the miniature donkey is so big.

[A]

How big is a miniature donkey?

[B]

It's about the size of this table. Oh, yeah, it's just shorter. It's got shorter legs.

[A]

Josh, could you pull up Smallest horse in the world? Have you ever seen these little guys?

[B]

I have, actually. I'm a big fan of smallest horses in the world. I really love them. I mean, I mean, miniature donkey is similar to the smallest horse in the world.

[A]

Look at those things.

[B]

But isn't that. Isn't that a foal? Isn't that a baby? No count.

[A]

I don't think so, dude. I'm pretty sure that's a full grown. Yeah.

[B]

Is that. Is that a giant? Is that a toddler man? Or is that a micro horse?

[A]

That is Lindsey Graham last year.

[B]

That's Lindsey Graham.

[A]

No wonder he got the Necronomicon.

[B]

I thought that was. What's the guy's name who's been having the issues with his. With his staying conscious? The old guy, the guy who kind of drools.

[A]

Which guy? You know, the guy literally described like 90 of the people in the federal government.

[B]

The guy who had the freeze moment.

[A]

Where it's like, oh, yeah, yeah. Well, they cut him off.

[B]

What's his name again?

[A]

Oh, that guy. He's out, isn't he? I know you're talking about. Who is that? You know, the guy we're talking about. Everyone fucking hates, dude. He's like Mitch McConnell. Mitch McConnell. Yeah, can you pull up. Fuck the miniature horses. Pull up. Mitch McConnell freezing. This is actually fits into like. I know you're doing Metzger's podcast coming up. You should bring this up to him. But yeah, go to YouTube. Mitch McConnell freezes YouTube. Yeah. There it is.

[B]

Yeah, that was a classic freeze.

[A]

That was a. And you know, these freezes are more common than people think. And it's not just happening with the olds.

[B]

I mean, an old freeze.

[A]

Oh, turn it off. Oh, there you go.

[B]

Look at this.

[A]

You're in hell and all your friends are demons. Why am I in your face all the time? I don't even know. Do I even exist? You'll see me for the rest of your life. You might see me while you're dying if your TV's on.

[B]

Can you imagine that? Hey, thinking about that. That's why. Imagine seeing that as you die.

[A]

Here we go. A little freeze up this week. Been good. Bipartisan cooperation and a string of. Doing a ventriloquist thing. Bye, bye, bye, bye. And they're all like, God damn it.

[B]

Lift your hair and go.

[A]

We've been puppeteering this motherfucker for the last three years as fuck. He's having one of the things.

[B]

This is a classic stroker.

[A]

Okay, now, Josh, pull up. Remember when that basketball announcer, the sports broadcaster froze like that?

[B]

Really?

[A]

Dude, check this out. Sports broadcaster freezes. There's a whole. This is a whole genre.

[B]

I haven't got into freeze genre yet. I don't know.

[A]

Oh, dude, it's so weird. This fits into the idea that a lot of people among us are actually androids and sometimes they fuck up. Scroll up to that very first one.

[B]

Draymond Green.

[A]

I don't know if that's not the one. Scroll down a little bit. You know what? Maybe look up our celebrities robots. I need to start creating a file for these. Josh, it's not fair. Are celebrities happy is the first thing that came up. What dumbasses are goo in that? Of course they're happy.

[B]

Of course they're happy.

[A]

Hold on.

[B]

Obviously, hold on.

[A]

Let me just look it up on here real quick. I'll be able to find it faster because these are the kinds of things I do when I'm by myself late at night as I look these things up. And then we'll talk about your show coming out, Johnny. But.

[B]

Sounds great.

[A]

Celebrities. Celebrity androids, I believe. Let me just see if I can find this real quick. This episode of the DTFH has been brought to you by Hems. Close your eyes and imagine what you'll look like six months from now. How's your hair look? Does it look like this? If you don't do anything about it, it's going to look like this. You got my head in there? You want your head to look like this, man? In six months, I'll show you this. In six months it won't be better. I can promise you that. I'll show you this in six months. It's like those videos people take the time lapse videos of things rotting. I see this in six months. I'm sure whatever valiant attempt my scalp is making to sprout hair, it's just going to give up. You can see if you remember the last commercial for hims. I'm sure whatever the I Don't even want. I don't watch it. I want to see. And yeah, I do, like, think it's fascinating that Hims sponsors my podcast. It's kind of like Botox. Doing a commercial for the most wrinkled person on earth just to show, like, you want to look like that. You want your face to look like a French fucking bulldog, all wrinkly. Okay, don't use Botox. I feel like that's what EMS is doing. And if this is what you're doing, Ems, I'm fine with it. I want to help. It's too late, man. It's too late. The earth has been salted. But for you, it might not be too late. Which is why you should try hims. In three to six months, you can start seeing thicker, fuller hair regrow through hims. Not bad. For just three to six months. HIMS provides you with convenient access to a range of hair loss treatments that work all from the comfort of your couch. The process is simple and 100% online, so there are no uncomfortable doctor visits. You answer a few questions, a medical provider will determine if treatment is right for you. If prescribed, your treatment is sent directly to you for free. No insurance is needed, and one low price covers everything from treatments to ongoing care. HIMS has hundreds of thousands of trusted subscribers, and they can help you get your confidence back, too, with visibly thicker and fuller hair. Start your free online Visit [e-mail] Duncan that's H I M S.com Dunkin' for your personalized hair loss treatment options. Hims.com Duncan Results vary based on studies of topical and oral minoxidil and finasteride. Prescription products require an online consultation with a healthcare provider who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. Restrictions apply. See website for full details and important safety information. Thank you. Hims. Like, what the fuck, dude, he just zoned out. No, man, that's weird. He looks. That's just weird. But, like, the McConnell thing. Clinton, you could find a million of these. I wish that I had collected a fucking repository of videos because there's so many of them. Oh, wait, here's one. Look at this, Al Roker. I'll send this one to you, Josh.

[B]

Oh, wait, The. The.

[A]

I'm gonna. Should I text it to your phone?

[B]

There you go.

[A]

Look up. Al Roker freezes. It's just like something happens to their circuitry or like they, you know, or they lose whatever the Internet connection is. Just watch. It's really weird. Here it comes. Here it comes about to lose the signal.

[B]

Did someone just say Something crazy.

[A]

No, dude, look, it's frozen.

[B]

I'm just being devil's advocate right now.

[A]

Why wouldn't you be skeptical? But, man, what the fuck is he. What happened is someone got like a hypno spiral over there. You just saw a fight. It's weird.

[B]

I think Devil's advocate, he just had a little. He shit himself a little bit. He's sort of like. He's. You know, when you shit your pants, it's kind of like, okay, okay, okay, okay. Where am I? What am I gonna do? Okay, I can't move because it might dislodge and go.

[A]

Can I be the devil's advocate? I kind of know why you're doing this.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Because you're fucking Hollywood. And so when we start, you know, pointing out what you probably already know, that many of you have decided to go live in Tartaria or wherever in the Hollow Earth. Did you freeze? There you go. You froze. And I have no idea how to unfreeze them. You clap twice and rub your nose.

[B]

I love what's going on with all these yogurt places now because they've started. You know what?

[A]

They're great.

[B]

They were gone for a while and now Pinkberry, I think it's kind of. It's making.

[A]

I think it's great.

[B]

It's back for me.

[A]

It's healthy for me.

[B]

It's.

[A]

Yeah, yogurt is healthy. Like you were saying. Totally agree. Gotta do, too, man. It's. You know, once you eat it. Yogurt. Once you eat yogurt.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then you try to eat ice cream.

[B]

Dude.

[A]

Yo, I want to die, bro.

[B]

Can I just turn right now? Yeah, yogurt. Not bruh. Yogurt over yogurt type over Ice cream type dog.

[A]

Hell, yeah. And, you know, I love it when they cook my yogurt.

[B]

Yogurt type.

[A]

I love cooking yogurt.

[B]

Cook it cooked up, grilled, ripped.

[A]

Fried yogurt.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, because yogurt has fried. Yogurt has. Riz.

[A]

Dude. Especially when you put strawberries around it, like a strawberry display.

[B]

Who is this guy? Who is this guy? Get him out of here. Get him out of here. You're killing me.

[A]

Yes, give me the strawberries. Yes, give me the strawberries type. I will not have a yogurt without a little circle of berries.

[B]

You gotta have that.

[A]

Even blueberries.

[B]

They're called blueberries. You know what they're really called border berries. Because you got to get them around.

[A]

Inside a little perimeter.

[B]

Perimeter.

[A]

Border berries.

[B]

Because it keeps me from. Otherwise, I'm diving in there. I'm just gobbling.

[A]

It's kind of like the circle of berries is like the circle of protection you necromancers in Hollywood do to keep the demons out when you do your rituals.

[B]

The best thing about having this miniature horse is that you can ride it.

[A]

Oh, dude. I think that if you had a team of miniature horses.

[B]

A team.

[A]

And I think that if you had, like, little warriors that rode those horses.

[B]

Monkeys.

[A]

Warrior monkeys.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

That you could take over any city with that. Because if you. Let's say you had 50 trained miniature horses. 50 trained monkeys. You get them dressed in cute little outfits. Clearly they have scimitars. But, you know, everyone's like, oh, my God. And you hear the gallop of these adorable horses galloping in. This is how Ukraine could win.

[B]

Yeah. It's a novelty overload. It would create. It just. There's nothing you would stop.

[A]

Get them right to Moscow. You could get them right into fucking Moscow. You could probably, like, Putin would come out to, like, laugh, and then they just fucking decapitate everybody.

[B]

It's the classic Trojan horse of novelty.

[A]

Yep. The Trojan horse.

[B]

That's the Trojan horse was about. That's the gift complex. But this is different. This is the novelty complex because the gift complex is done so you can buy everything online now. If you want something, you just Google it and get it. You snap able to Google and get. You couldn't grab and go. Now the grab and go is everywhere.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

You got this immense physical novelty that rolls into town. Literally rolling in.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that's like, oh, I can't order that. So when you see that, you just. Aces are down and they're plundering in.

[A]

Boom, they gotcha. Now, don't you think, like, when they were deciding what to name Trojan condoms, that the person who named them either didn't understand what condoms were for or didn't understand what the Trojan horse was. Because the idea is you don't want your dick to come out of the condom. Right. So, you know, and I'm pretty sure when they named them Trojans, they weren't thinking of, like, actual tr. They meant the Trojan horse because you're putting something inside.

[B]

Yeah, Trojan horse. So they should be called Trojan horse condoms.

[A]

They could. Yes. Or not. Trojan Trojan condoms. Not related to the horse condom.

[B]

Well, they should just be called horse condoms.

[A]

Horse condoms, Anything like.

[B]

How about giant sealed horse, like, gift that will not open up vault condom vaults. Vault condoms, super sealed horse gift.

[A]

Can you pull up Trojan condoms, please, Josh? Yeah, I never also.

[B]

Are you trying to. You shouldn't be trying to trick the.

[A]

Person to accept that's what I'm saying. Trojans are fucked up.

[B]

Like, oh, you're trying to trick your way in there.

[A]

Well, exactly. That's what I mean. Now they have the classic Trojan on the. The front, which has always seemed to me everything about Trojan Commons. Nothing seems less sexual than the way that they're packaging these condoms. Like, nothing about them strikes me as like we're about to fuck.

[B]

They look kind of like food or like cold medicine.

[A]

They're just boring. They. Yeah, it looks like whatever's about to.

[B]

Twisted, though. Twisted where?

[A]

Let me see those.

[B]

The orange ones. Twisted.

[A]

Oh, my God. What is that? What's the. Can you enlarge that?

[B]

Probably got some orange juice.

[A]

Premium lubricant. Premium lubricant. New look.

[B]

I'm so out of touch from this sort of. This sort of thing.

[A]

Me too. I'm married.

[B]

Like, what is this?

[A]

I'm married to an iron.

[B]

So popular. It's gone.

[A]

It didn't work is what it means.

[B]

Yeah, you're definitely. You don't know anything about condoms at all.

[A]

Nope.

[B]

You've never even.

[A]

Like, I'm so out of the condom scene now.

[B]

You show one to your wife, she's like, what is that?

[A]

I have no idea.

[B]

What is that?

[A]

You know, once we talked about, like, wearing a condom because it seemed like it'd be, like, kinky.

[B]

Yeah. The Irish ph evidently just melts them. Yeah.

[A]

Just swallows them up. Just dissolves the condoms, them in the baby, like, puts them, like, uses them to grow the spine half.

[B]

Put on a condom. You gotta get extra babies twisted.

[A]

Deep, pleasurable spiral ribs.

[B]

Triplets, guaranteed.

[A]

They're so gross.

[B]

What's it say on the bottom? Irish need not apply.

[A]

What's worse than the stink of a condom, though, man? Wasting up when you're banging. That fucking stink smell. It's so gross. All the. Everything implied with a condom, too. It's just like. It's like, you look, you know, I'm disgusting and you probably are, too. So let's just put this stinky, slimy thing in between you and me and hope we don't die. Oh, it's the worst. It's the worst. But you got to wear condoms, man. Gotta wear condoms, you end up with a bunch of kids.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Now, Johnny, you have on top of this movie, Mermaid, that just got distribution, on top of Fallout, where you're killing it.

[B]

Tour coming up in July.

[A]

Tour coming up in July. You're so busy. You have been working on this Fucking awesome show for Netflix.

[B]

Just a little project. Honestly, it kind of just got out.

[A]

Of control, you know, Gone pro with Johnny. Now tell me. I'm curious. Like, honestly, I was a little surprised when you sent me the clips, which is amazing. I have a lot of questions about them, but I was kind of surprised that this show hasn't been done before. It seems like it would be. So. It seemed like it must be easy to shoot a thing like that. You just put a GoPro on your head and, like, tell me the inception of the show.

[B]

Well, actually, it has been done before. It was done in Latvia under a different name, and they were doing it with the. With the cameras on the face.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And I just. I saw this when I was in Riga for a few weeks.

[A]

So. What do you mean? Like, that you would. That. So you. Like a selfie or something.

[B]

So it was a Latvian guy who was. He did the GoPro wrong. He was wearing it wrong, and people loved it because it was like, you know, in his face. And you.

[A]

But would you see where he was, like, what he was doing?

[B]

Yeah, you would.

[A]

Reaction videos.

[B]

Every time he thought he was turning it off, he was turning it on. So you basically just see videos of him sleeping, eating.

[A]

So they tricked him. It's a trick show.

[B]

Well, he tricked himself. And somehow. Somehow the footage got downloaded when he went to a hotspot and it went to some person's. Some, like, publicist laptop, she put it out, and it's, you know, it's terrible, but it's, like, just mocking sort of content that the Latvians love. Latvians love personal embarrassment.

[A]

I didn't know that.

[B]

It's some weird offshoot of, like, the Russian. I don't know what it is. It's a weird thing, but I saw that. I was like, what if I flipped the script on this and did it.

[A]

Turn the GoPro around?

[B]

Turn it on when I want to turn it on, and turned it around.

[A]

So people see what you're seeing. Body cam footage, basically.

[B]

Exactly. But more like a head cam, because we all mean the body cam is on the body. Bodies are so like. What is a body? It's even. Even the word body is kind of like. Can you say that's kind of gross?

[A]

Was GoPro. They must have been excited that you. That you innovated this way of wearing a GoPro. Because, like, most. Most of the time, when I, you know, see people, the GoPro, they're either holding it like a camera or. Yeah, just holding, like, a camera. Like, they. I saw some dude who like tied it to a broom.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

And was doing the broom camping stick. So did you. Did GoPro? I'm. It seems like GoPro must have reached out to you. Like, holy shit, man. We. This is an incredible use of the camera.

[B]

Yeah, they're very excited. It's really cool for them. I mean, it's one of those things just happenstance. It's so fun that they're into it. The fact that I'm using this in a way that it wasn't intended, but you know, sometimes that's how it works. Like post it notes. Yeah, that was an accident.

[A]

Was it really?

[B]

Yeah, it was.

[A]

How so?

[B]

Because they were trying to make a certain type of adhesive and it didn't stick. Yeah, like, oh, we can make this on a post it note because you can take it off. Same with Scotch tape.

[A]

So this is a case of like, never give up. Like you were trying to make a strong adhesive. You probably generations of whoever invented that, their family is going to be filled up with adrenochrome for the next hundred years.

[B]

Wealthy beyond God's knowledge.

[A]

Oh my God, man. So not only is the show innovative in the sense that you have utilized the technology in a way that no one has used before ever.

[B]

No one's ever.

[A]

But what was the pitch like?

[B]

There's a guy named John Calculator and he's their main pitch acceptor. Yep, I've heard of him. Yeah, John Calculator.

[A]

Read about whole thing in Variety about him.

[B]

It's not his real name, obviously, but you know.

[A]

Ah, that's weird. I thought that was his last name.

[B]

Yeah, I thought that too. But he told me, he was like, hey, just so you know, it's not really my last name.

[A]

Is that like a title they gave him?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, it's a Netflix. I've been hearing Netflix has these new titles that they give out. John the Calculator. John Calculator.

[B]

No, it's John the Calculator.

[A]

That's right. John the Calculator.

[B]

I just showed him the stuff I was shooting because I just was shooting it myself and that was simple as that. So I mean, that's some of the stuff I'll show you. It was really just me shooting it before I pitched it.

[A]

Is it true this is one of those rare pitches that you get the deal in the room?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

We had the deal going into the pitch. They were like, yes. Just so you know, we're saying yes. When I was getting a wow. When I asked for a. On a hot coffee instead of an Iced coffee in the waiting room. They're like, okay, we're gonna just tell you. Really, it was a really hot day and I had a hot coffee.

[A]

So that's you. So that is unique. I mean, I've heard things like, when you're doing auditions, when you're doing pitches, try to stick out a little bit, but that's brilliant.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So they just were like, he's a rebel.

[B]

I ordered 96 ounce drip hot, piping hot.

[A]

So much.

[B]

I know. I like a lot piping hot. And I said, you want sugar, milk? I'm like, no, fill it to the brim. Like, they said, are you sure you don't want sugar or milk? I'm like, no, I want it black.

[A]

All the way to the top.

[B]

And they were like, wow, this guy's going to drink 96 ounces of black coffee. Fucking badass.

[A]

Fucking badass.

[B]

So we're going to tell you right now it's a yes. Go on there. Have some fun.

[A]

So why even pitch?

[B]

Because it's just for fun.

[A]

Formality.

[B]

Fun. You know what I mean? It's like. Like everything's a formality now. Right?

[A]

Right.

[B]

Stanley cup is formality.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. They already know it's going to win.

[B]

They know it's going to win. So.

[A]

Okay, so I guess just show me the. The teaser that I sent you. We'll just show some clips.

[B]

Yeah. You'll love this.

[A]

This is cool. Thank you for letting this be the podcast we announced this on. This is a really cool opening. Damn high budget gone pro. Spelled your name wrong.

[B]

That's on purpose.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

They didn't want two ends. It's competitive.

[A]

But wouldn't that be Joanie?

[B]

No, it's not, actually. I mean, you can say it however you want.

[A]

You play it one more time. I want to take a look. Just because I worked in animation, I kind of. I'm always interested when I see this level. Animation. Who animated that? Fucking incredible.

[B]

This is Bill Skiff.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Bill Skiff and Carlos Roundtree are the main people who did this.

[A]

That. That's cool, man. Just that alone is. Yeah, that's going to. I'm sure I'll be seeing this in the top 10. So you sent me some of these clips. Why don't you show the Animal Control one, Josh?

[B]

This is fun.

[A]

Yeah. This one. Yeah.

[B]

So I'm with an animal control guy here. I'm doing a ride along.

[A]

Yeah, wait, don't play it yet. So you're doing a ride along with Animal Control?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you pick the. So, wait, each Episode is what you with your GoPro having adventures? Basically?

[B]

Yes, exactly.

[A]

Okay, and how much of it's scripted, I gotta ask?

[B]

None of it. None of it scripted. Totally off the script. I'm actually blindfolded. That's the kicker.

[A]

What?

[B]

Yeah. So I can't see, but the GoPro can.

[A]

So you have no idea what's going on to you watching?

[B]

I have no idea what's going on.

[A]

I'm blind. That's what you hear. Oh my God, that's so cool.

[B]

So I'm just ears only. And even then I have earplugs in, so it sounds really quiet.

[A]

Damn. All right, play the clip. So here you are. Looks like he's getting some raccoons out or something. What's this all about? What happened with these?

[B]

So they got a call that some raccoons were in the Taco Bell dumpster, which obviously they didn't close it. Supposed to close it and lock it. And they got a call to deal with that. And I'm riding along, I'm going to check it out and trying to orient myself and pick up the. And film it and stuff like that.

[A]

Here's the thing. I know these are the clips Netflix is letting us show. This is the press kit. But you did show me some stuff off record from this episode. You know, man, I gotta say, I don't know how people are gonna take it because you know, the cute raccoon stuff is fun, right? The kangaroo thing is funny. Like fucking kangaroo in la, they got out is really funny and super funny. The thing you said about the pouch, like it's a Gucci pouch, like very la.

[B]

Cause Beverly Hills I got in there.

[A]

It's funny. And yeah, it was really cool. You put in your hand in the pouch and all.

[B]

But I found money in there too.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So people have just been shoving money in the kangaroos. Just coins.

[B]

Just coins.

[A]

But like, they probably thought it was like gonna tell their future. It was like a coin operated thing.

[B]

Yeah, we don't know. I think some people. It started as people were the wreck. The kangaroo was picking up money because it thinks it's food. And then people started putting it in there like a wishing well.

[A]

Ah, okay. Yeah. And you capture a lot of cool stuff like la, like quirky stuff like that. But man, I don't know if like. Well, 10 minutes of that episode is just animals being euthanized and cremated. Like it feels like a really dark ending. It starts off so lightheartedly and then it's just dogs being put to sleep. The kangaroo or the raccoons in the beginning get put to sleep. Animal control, it's just, I mean, the sense I got from that is like, animal control just kills animals. Like, it's animal murder more than control. I guess murder is control. But so don't you kind of feel like it might be met with a.

[B]

Foreign.

[A]

This episode of the DTFH is brought to you by Better Help. You know, one of the things, like, sometimes I'll come home, I've had dinner with a friend, my wife will be like, you know, he will have said something and you know, a problem they might. He might be having or something. And you know, I didn't get all the details. All right. And she's like, why don't. Don't you know the details? Like what happened? I'm like, I don't know. I didn't want to bother him, didn't want to be nosy. She's like, guys are so fucking weird. Like, you know, when she goes out to eat with her friends, it's like, you know, they open each other's Wikipedia. Not literally, but their heart Wikipedia. They share everything. They're emotional, they connect on an emotional level. Maybe you don't do this with your guy friends. Most of us don't. If you do, congratulations. But it could be that our sort of weird way of interacting with each other is the reason that 6 million men in the US suffer from depression every year. Often undiagnosed. It's okay to struggle. Real strength comes from opening up about what you're carrying and doing something about it so you can be your best for yourself and everyone in your life. If you're a man, you're feeling the weight of the world, talk to someone. Anyone. A friend, a loved one. A therapist. A therapist. You're out to dinner with your friends, you want to talk about it feels like the shadow of death has fallen upon the garden of your heart. But no, we're going to talk about Baldur's Gate. You might say, yeah, you know, I've been a little grumpy lately, but I'm not. I don't want to burden anybody with that. But a therapist, hahaha. That's what they're there for. It is so liberating. You gotta try it. You won't believe the effect. If you're skeptical about how this stuff works, you gotta try it. And if you're not skeptical and you're like, holy shit, man, I need to talk to somebody. This is. This betterhelp was made for you. With over 35,000 therapists. BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. And it works with an App store rating of 4.9 out of 5 based on over 1.7 million client reviews. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Talk it out with BetterHelp, our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com Duncan. That's better. H-E-L-P.com Duncan, you don't feel like that.

[B]

I, I just love the way that these guys are doing steaks because I like a steak. I don't want to eat that much steak. You know what I mean? That's why I think it's such a fun idea.

[A]

You kind of, huh, Zoned out for a second.

[B]

Yeah, sure I did. Yeah. Do you have that clip you want to play about the. The show?

[A]

Oh, yeah, this one. I. You got to tell me about this because I guess just go ahead and play it and then we'll talk about it.

[B]

Oh, this is fun. Fun.

[A]

So this is really wild to me because I thought bee. I didn't think there were beehives that this were this big.

[B]

Yeah. I actually went into a diabetic coma after this for about two weeks because of all the, all the honey.

[A]

How did you. First of all, like, where are there beehives that you can walk around in?

[B]

This is in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.

[A]

No shit. What? But those bees, like, like, that's like the size of a dog or something. Must be loud as fuck in there.

[B]

Very loud. Again, I have earplugs in, so I'm okay, but it was really hard to hear, you know, about the.

[A]

Why didn't they attack you?

[B]

Because these are actually mammalian bees.

[A]

What the fuck? They have bones. They have bones, blood.

[B]

These are like bats, but they're bees. You know about that thing where the farther north you go, the mammalian species get bigger?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like squirrels in Minnesota are bigger than squirrels.

[A]

Yeah, sure.

[B]

In Texas.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

That's this phenomenon about they're not that much bigger, but they're bigger.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So that's the same with these bees because we're really far north in Canada there.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And these bees there. These are mammalian bees. It's some sort of a thing. They've been around forever. I don't know why I didn't know about them.

[A]

This feels like Mandela effect to me because I'm not going to know. There was giant beehives.

[B]

They're not that big. They're like.

[A]

You were walking around in it, man.

[B]

Well, like a chipmunk, you know, like a chipmunk that's like about that big, you know? A chipmunk.

[A]

Yeah, that's not huge, but you're not a chipmunk.

[B]

No, these are. They're really big, but they're.

[A]

The bees are chipmunks.

[B]

The bees are chipmunks.

[A]

I'm saying the hive itself.

[B]

Yeah, the hive itself is really big.

[A]

It's like a. What?

[B]

It's like a Sephora or something. It's the size of like, your average Sephora.

[A]

Fuck.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you weren't scared at all going in there?

[B]

I was, but I can't be. I have to. Otherwise the guy who was running it was like, you're going to get. You'll. You won't be able to find your way out because they. What they do is they. They rearrange the hive so you're always. Yeah, that. You know, those things now they have for. For VR. Where you're walking and you don't stop walking.

[A]

Yeah, for sure. Yeah.

[B]

Those come. There's a reason they're hexagonal like a beehive, because that's where they got the technology from.

[A]

Oh, so this is some kind of way to deal with predators, is you just get lost and.

[B]

Lost and exhausted.

[A]

Did you see any bones in there or any.

[B]

Oh, yeah, tons of bones. You don't see any bones?

[A]

You didn't see any human bones in there?

[B]

I mean, I'm not. I'm not a bone expert, so I don't know. They could be. There's some big bones. I mean, it could have been like a. Like a. Like a buffalo or something. It could have been like a deer.

[A]

A buffalo went in a beehive.

[B]

Yeah, those.

[A]

Why could.

[B]

To get the honey.

[A]

Huh?

[B]

The honey is sweet. Have you had honey before?

[A]

Love it.

[B]

Yeah, I do, too.

[A]

I can't have it now. I have diet diabetes.

[B]

Well, now I definitely can't have it. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. But. Yeah. You got sick from all that sweet honey.

[B]

Really sick. Yeah.

[A]

How, like, were you at first? You probably were just like Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory, like, eating it. And then like it is when you have a lot of honey in your mouth. It gets really, like.

[B]

Yeah, it gets like almost electricity.

[A]

Electrical.

[B]

You can feel that, all the ions just going.

[A]

It's like eels.

[B]

Yeah, that's why eels are so good. You've had eel sushi, right?

[A]

No, but I've had an electric eel swim in my mouth when I was a kid. Really? Yeah.

[B]

Oh, my Gosh, Horrible. Tell me about that.

[A]

Well, I was learning how to swim. And again, I come from another generation. Like, now, my kids, it's like swim lessons, and there's someone in the pool with them. But, you know, I grew up in Gulf of Mexico. No, Coastal Georgia.

[B]

Oh, right. Okay.

[A]

And, like, you know, I almost drowned in the swimming pool because I did not know how to swim. No one had taught me at all. And my brother was swimming, so I just jumped in, went right to the bottom, and they resuscitated me, thank God. And my dad was fucking mad at me because I didn't know how to swim. And I remember telling him, no one ever taught me how to swim. And he's like, no one taught you how to breathe? You're breathing. And so, you know. Are you fucking stupid? Are you stupid?

[B]

That's the best.

[A]

Did I drink too much? And so then he. Did your mom drink too much? Is that what's wrong with you? And so, you know, like, when your parents would grab you by the scruff. And he dragged me five miles from the pool. We were at five miles through people's yards, through someone's fucking house. Oh, through a department store. And, like, you know, in those days, things were different. So people are just laughing. I remember hearing somebody go, teaching your boy to swim, Jules. And so. And I just been resuscitated and not like, cpr. Like, back then, if your kid drowned, they would just fucking slaps. The slaps. They would open your mouth, pour whiskey, and step on your stomach. So when you. Yeah. So, yeah, he just took me to the marsh. And I remember, like, the name of that part of the marsh was Eel Marsh. And I'd heard about it because it's filled with electric eels. And he's like, you know what? Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and safeway now through June 17th. Shop in store or online for your favorite personal care Items and save $5 when you spend $15 or more stock on items like Dove Body Wash, Degree Motion Sense Deodorant, Tresemme Hairspray, Dove Shampoo, Dove Bar Soap, Dove Men's Body and face wash and Dollar Shave Club blades. And save $5 when you spend $15 or more. Hurry in before these deals are gone. Offer ends June 17. Promotions may vary. Restrictions apply. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details. Sink or swim. And he threw me in, and I sank. And this is why I believe in God. I was under the water screaming, and an electric eel swam right into my fucking mouth. Jolted the Shit out of me. Like, I had drowned again, basically. But like, it's just like the pumpers they put on your chest when you're dying.

[B]

Defibrillator.

[A]

Yeah, defibrillator. Thank you. And just I came rocketing up out of the water and because I was so vaulted, like, I just. I don't know how to explain. I just. That's how I learned to swim.

[B]

And that's a classic tale, isn't it? The eel teaches the child.

[A]

Oh, yeah, it's very archetypical. I mean, it's like, it's so. It's so deep, you know? And I remember when I got out of the marsh, my dad, like sitting with him and he's like, listen, I didn't want to drag you by the scruff. I don't want you to die. I love you. You're my son. You're one of us. And the way that we've been doing this for so long is not the way of most humans. Because you must learn these things now, because the time is coming. The seals will be open.

[B]

Eels the wheel.

[A]

Eels the wheel.

[B]

Eels the wheel. You'll never feel.

[A]

Let's show another clip. This one's crazy. Like, can you stop it there, Josh? That's fucking nuts.

[B]

Yeah. This was not fun. So I did. Not.

[A]

Like this started over again. It looks like you were the second baby coming out of there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you are twins in the womb.

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

Play that again.

[B]

I was. This was terrible. It was really intense, you know, I'm glad I was there.

[A]

That. Who is that lady? Did she like. How did you get inside of.

[B]

She works for Netflix.

[A]

Like what, a producer?

[B]

Yeah. I don't know. They just found her. She's one of the many employees there and they just, they. They got a rope into this situation and we just, you know.

[A]

How long were you in her womb?

[B]

About 15 hours.

[A]

With another baby? Yeah.

[B]

Another baby.

[A]

Well, I mean, you were an adult with a baby.

[B]

Yeah, but somehow I could fit. I don't know if it's some sort of a quantum folding thing or something like that, but they were. I mean, a lot of this stuff I'm just.

[A]

Did you have an umbilical cord? How are you breathing in there?

[B]

Yeah, sort of like an umbilical cord. It wasn't like a biological thing. It was some sort of technical apparatus. They have a lot of this stuff. I don't ask questions, you know, I mean, they just. Because we're trying to shoot all these episodes so fast, they just said, okay, we got this thing set up for you next day. And I'm.

[A]

Can you play it one more time? Josh, that's just a crazy shot. I mean, that's got to be the first time an adult has been born with a GoPro on their head. Did you think the GoPro would hurt her?

[B]

I don't think she felt it because she was, you know, pretty keyed up with everything going on there. You know what I mean?

[A]

That is crazy. So there's the baby you were in the womb with.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then go back one more time because, I mean, let's face it, like, this is kind of risque footage if you think about. I mean, you know what that is? That's her pussy, right?

[B]

Vagina.

[A]

Yeah. Sorry.

[B]

Yeah. When it's a baby being born, you don't say that.

[A]

So did you, like, go into the fetal position?

[B]

No, I just sort of tried to walk around a little bit, but it didn't work. So I had a bunch of snacks with me. I had.

[A]

What?

[B]

Yeah, they sent me a bunch of snacks. I was just really hungry. And so that was their idea, actually, you know, because they knew I would freak out, so they just, like. If I was really. They made me be really hungry in there. So I just busied myself with eating a ton.

[A]

That's cool.

[B]

By the time I finished all my snacks, I realized, oh, what the hell? And then it was. I was coming out. I was like, wow, guys. Okay.

[A]

Did it bring any, like, birth memories? But did it feel familiar, like I've been here before? I know what it's like to be in the womb.

[B]

Yeah. I sort of feel like I've done it, like, a thousand times. Does that make sense?

[A]

Like, reincarnation stuff?

[B]

Yeah. I felt like I've been there thousands of times.

[A]

I mean, I know. I know people have been in your mom a thousand times.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

Thanks so much for coming on the show, Johnny. I know it was great, everybody. It's gone pro with Johnny coming out on Netflix. What is that August release?

[B]

Yeah, I think so. That's the. It's going to be one episode every two months.

[A]

Let's get that to the top 10, guys. Check out Mermaid when it finally comes out. The new Fallout series.

[B]

Come see me in Oklahoma City and Tulsa and Kansas City and Springfield in July.

[A]

All the links you need to find Johnny will [e-mail]. rest in peace. Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway this spring. Stock up on all your personal care Favorites and earn 4 times points now through June 17th. Shop in store online for deals on all your favorite personal care items like Pantene Shampoo, Native Body Spray Deodorant, Secret Body Spray, Venus Razors, Always Pads, Head and Shoulder Shampoo and Native Deodorant and earn four times points. Then use those points for discounts on groceries or fuel. You don't want to miss these deals. Offer ends June 17th. Promotions may vary. Restrictions apply. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.