697: Weight of the Candy Pig

Summary

Podcast Summary: Duncan Trussell Family Hour - Episode 697: "Weight of the Candy Pig"

Release Date: July 4, 2025

Hosts: Duncan Trussell and Josh

---

Introduction and Fourth of July Preparations

Timestamp: [00:00] - [04:10]

Duncan Trussell opens the episode by humorously addressing the confusion surrounding the Fourth of July celebrations. He clarifies that while the actual events leading to American independence occurred on the 3rd of July, the festivities are traditionally held on the 4th. Duncan shares his elaborate plans for the holiday, which include barbecuing pigs in a "patriotic style." He explains the unique twist of inserting candy into the pigs' bellies, turning them into living piñatas for the children to harvest and enjoy.

Notable Quote:

"We're going to do it patriotic style. AR15s. The pigs will be released into the yard. They get to choose which pig they want... we're gonna do a pinata situation. Isn't that cool?"
— Duncan Trussell [00:00]

Duncan also touches on his DIY approach to fireworks, expressing disappointment in the predominantly imported foreign fireworks. Determined to create authentic American pyrotechnics, he mentions preparing homemade gunpowder, albeit in a comical and exaggerated manner.

Notable Quote:

"I've been rolling sticks of gunpowder all night... I made these. This is daddy's work."
— Duncan Trussell [02:30]

---

Fourth of July Fireworks and Neighborhood Surprises

Timestamp: [04:10] - [15:20]

Duncan delves deeper into his unconventional fireworks plan, involving drones equipped with handmade fireworks. His goal is to surprise his neighbors by flying drones over their homes, delivering personalized fireworks displays and even "dropping" bacon directly onto their properties. The absurdity and creativity of his plans underscore his comedic style.

Notable Quote:

"Each one Personalized fireworks made for each one. Drones are going to drop these fireworks, and then once the explosions happen, they're going to go, oh, my God. I guess I live next to the coolest neighbor of all time."
— Duncan Trussell [05:31]

Duncan reflects on the emotional aftermath of traditional fireworks shows, highlighting the collective sadness when the spectacle ends. In contrast, he emphasizes the joy and surprise his drone-delivered fireworks will bring, creating lasting positive memories.

---

Guest Segment: Hank Cleeter's Patriotic Song

Timestamp: [09:09] - [15:20]

In a whimsical turn, Duncan introduces a special segment featuring Hank Cleeter, a fictional premier country singer. Hank sings a patriotic song that humorously intertwines themes of war and peace, reflecting on American values and the complexities of true peace.

Hank Cleeter's Lyrics:

"Eagles in the sky, spreading peace. Explosions that create emotions..."
— Hank Cleeter [12:27]

Duncan expresses profound appreciation for Hank's contribution, highlighting the unexpected depth and humor in the song. He narrates their fictional friendship, recounting an exaggerated altercation that led to Hank composing a personalized song for his family.

Notable Quote:

"He did this in an afternoon of gratitude... He's just such a good man. He could have done anything."
— Duncan Trussell [15:20]

---

Imaginary News Segment: Fantasy Kingdom Updates

Timestamp: [15:20] - [95:00]

Duncan and Josh transition into a mock-news segment set in a fantastical kingdom, delivering satirical headlines and stories that parody real-world events and societal issues through a fantasy lens.

Key News Highlights:

1. King Galfrond's Legal Victory:

   • King Galfrond wins a substantial settlement against the Paramount Purveyors of Illusions for defamatory broadcasts.
   • Notable Quote:

     "May he live forever."
     — Duncan Trussell [24:02]

2. Corruption Trial of Puffy the Shaper:

   • A high-profile trial culminates in a partial verdict against the bard Puffy the Shaper, with humorous anecdotes interspersed.
   • Notable Quote:

     "Bards... they're nuts."
     — Duncan Trussell [35:17]

3. Cobalt Miners' Strike:

   • The Cobalt Miners Union declares a general strike against unsafe extraction quotas, leading to tensions with dwarven lords.
   • Duncan humorously criticizes labor disputes and the portrayal of mythical races.
   • Notable Quote:

     "Let them go to Vrindax. They love kobolds."
     — Duncan Trussell [83:09]

4. Anti-Aging Potion Breakthrough:

   • The Royal College of Wizardry announces a successful anti-aging potion, sparking debates on accessibility and ethical implications.
   • Notable Quote:

     "Do you want to take a sip of that? Get this white out of my beard."
     — Duncan Trussell [63:50]

5. Interstellar Object 31 Atlas:

   • Discusses the discovery of an interstellar comet named 31 Atlas, humorously critiquing its mundane name and hypothesizing extraterrestrial intelligence.
   • Notable Quote:

     "How does that turn in? You know what I mean?"
     — Duncan Trussell [35:17]

Throughout the news segment, Duncan maintains a comedic and irreverent tone, blending fantasy elements with sharp social commentary. He engages in playful banter with Josh, reinforcing the show's salon-style atmosphere.

Notable Interaction:

Josh: "Don’t think about it. Are you a Satanist? Sounds like something a Satanist would say."
Duncan: "Sounds like some shit somebody would say at a satanic church."
— Duncan Trussell & Josh [24:05]

---

Advertisements and Sponsored Segments (Skipped)

As per the summary guidelines, all advertisements and non-content sections have been omitted to focus solely on the episode's substantive discussions and humor-driven narratives.

---

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Timestamp: [95:00] - End

Towards the end of the episode, Duncan reflects on the Fourth of July's deeper meanings beyond fireworks, celebrating the bravery and unity of various magical and warrior classes that contributed to the kingdom's triumphs. He reiterates his support for King Galfrond and encourages listeners to embrace the holiday's spirit of freedom and community.

Notable Quote:

"Happy 4th of July to all of you. Long live the King."
— Duncan Trussell [105:58]

Duncan closes with gratitude towards his audience, acknowledging their support and participation in the podcast's live format. The episode concludes with a blend of heartfelt appreciation and humorous jabs, encapsulating the show's unique blend of comedy, fantasy, and philosophical musings.

---

Overall Insights:

Episode 697 of the Duncan Trussell Family Hour masterfully intertwines humor, satire, and fantastical storytelling to explore themes of patriotism, community, and the absurdities of modern celebrations. Through exaggerated scenarios and playful interactions, Duncan and Josh offer both entertainment and subtle commentary on societal norms and cultural practices. The inclusion of fictional news and characters like Hank Cleeter enhances the show's creative landscape, providing listeners with a rich, immersive experience that is both engaging and thought-provoking.

Key Takeaways:

• Creativity in Tradition: Duncan's unconventional Fourth of July plans highlight the blend of tradition with personal creativity and humor.

• Satirical Commentary: The fantasy news segment serves as a mirror to real-world issues, using humor and imagination to critique and reflect on societal dynamics.

• Engagement with Guests: The interaction with Hank Cleeter exemplifies the show's ability to seamlessly integrate fictional characters, adding depth and variety to the content.

• Humorous Reflection: Throughout the episode, Duncan uses humor to address serious topics, making philosophical insights accessible and entertaining for listeners.

---

For New Listeners:

If you haven't experienced this episode yet, "Weight of the Candy Pig" offers a delightful mix of comedy, fantasy, and insightful banter that exemplifies the unique charm of the Duncan Trussell Family Hour. Whether you're here for the laughter, the imaginative stories, or the underlying messages about freedom and community, this episode promises a memorable listening experience.

Transcript

[Duncan Trussell]

Happy 4th of July Eve. Everybody thinks the 4th of July happened on the 4th of July. We all know the real 4th of July happened on the 3rd of July, and they celebrated on the 4th of July. So technically this is the 4th of July, even though it's the 3rd of July. So happy 4th of July, everybody. You are listening or watching the DTFH. And boy, oh boy, what an exciting celebration. I'm sure many of you have planned for tomorrow. I am doing so much. We are barbecuing a pig. The kids are going to slaughter the pig on their own. We're going to do it patriotic style. AR15s. The pigs will be released into the yard. They get to choose which pig they want. I try to get the same kind of weight of the pig to make sure that, you know, I don't want them to, like, it would suck if they took out the, like, a smaller pig. Though I do think on generally any given pig, there's going to be enough meat to feed the family. But I want them to take out a big old pig. So we're going to release the pigs. We have put candy in the pig's bellies. So it's going to be pig, uh, we're gonna harvest the pig, as they say, and then we're gonna do a pinata situation. Isn't that cool? Cause the bats tenderize the meat. Boom. They're gonna be so surprised because all these beautiful patriotic candies are gonna fall out. And you know, you've got some Iranian candies in there too. Like, I got some Iranian style candies. I hope that's what they are. I don't know. I just, like, ordered them online. Could be anything but Iranian candies. And it's weird too, because I'm getting them directly from Iran. And yeah, it's interesting that the only ones I could find from this supplier, they said just, it's gonna smell like almonds, tastes like almonds. So it's like almond candy, I guess. I'm not sure.

[Josh]

Have you tasted them yet?

[Duncan Trussell]

No, I'm saving it, the surprise for the kids. So we're gonna have this like, Iranian freedom candy. And then after that, of course, we're going to butcher the pigs. Of course, none of us know how to do that. We have somebody coming in to do that. And don't worry, it's an American citizen.

[Josh]

That's good.

[Duncan Trussell]

And so after that, we're gonna take the bacon, we're gonna grill it up with some molasses. And I'm not doing. And I'm curious for you to chime in here, Josh. But I'll tell you what I'm not doing. I'm not doing foreign fireworks. So when we went to the fireworks stand, I was kind of shocked to see, like, the majority of fireworks, they come from China, they come from overseas. So guess what I did. Went to a friend of mine, got my own gunpowder, and I've been rolling sticks of gunpowder all night. If I seem tired and a little out of it, but kids, help me. What? No, I want him to be surprised, and I want to be able to say, guys, I made these. This is daddy's work. So, you know what's really fascinating is a lot of. I got a lot of information from the Unabomber's manifesto. There is some really pretty good instructions on how to make recreational fireworks are just recreational bombs. So some of them do look big. Some of them look big. And I'm a little unsure of how fuses work, but I think it's something to do with the length. I have no idea. But, you know, decent length fuses, it's more about girth, but again, it's 100% about length. Nothing to do about girth. And I don't. And that is if you read Dr. Francois Lumoise recent paper in the Journal of Penisry. Because I know that's you're making kind of like a cheap cock joke in the middle of what I'm trying to build up here. You know what I mean?

[Josh]

I just meant, like, the fatter the line.

[Duncan Trussell]

No, no, no. What I'm saying is I love my country enough that I wouldn't do that kind of thing in the middle. I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't throw in some kind of cock joke. I wouldn't do that. And I'm pretty sure my viewers don't. I don't want that either. And everyone who has listened and supported my podcast for so many years, what they all have in common, aside from being anomalously brilliant, is their love of the fourth of July. So please don't fuck this up for me. I've been up all night. All fucking night. I've been keeping myself awake with a combination of whiskey and amphetamines, just like the founding fathers did. So I'm like, in a founding father's mood. Let's just leave it at that. And so I've been whipping up fireworks. You know how fucking hard it is to find pigs. You know, you would think it would be easy. It is really not easy. You know how hard it is to get a fucking Pig in a sedan. Two trips fucked up the back of my car. There's shit everywhere. You know how hard it is to keep the pig in a place where the kids aren't gonna see it. They don't know what they're hunting. They just know they've got rifles. So threw me off a little bit, man. So then we are going to. I'm going to bring out the fireworks. I've attached the fireworks to drones. How cool is that?

[Josh]

Awesome.

[Duncan Trussell]

So they're going to fly those drones over the neighbor's house and sort of as honoring my neighbors, I'm going to give them a free fireworks show individually. Like each firework I have for different neighbors. So they're gonna fly the drones over and just drop my handmade fireworks over their homes.

[Josh]

Isn't that cool in the middle of the night, or are you gonna wait for specific times?

[Duncan Trussell]

Glad you asked. So what's the number one thing that disappoints everybody on 4th of July? Biggest disappointment. The American disappointment, or what they call the American depression on fourth of July.

[Josh]

What is that caused by not seeing fireworks?

[Duncan Trussell]

What did you say before that? Not see fireworks?

[Josh]

Not seeing fireworks, I was saying, is very depressing.

[Duncan Trussell]

No, what was that you just said before that? That's what we call a dog whistle. No, it's when the fireworks show is over. Oh, so everyone gets sad.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

I've been to so many different fireworks shows and everyone just starts weeping. Cause the show is over. Everyone's so sad. The kids are crying, the adults are crying. Nobody wants to go home. Nobody's thinking, like, what the fuck? Why do I keep doing this? Nobody's thinking, like, why did I take pictures of this? I'm not going to show anybody fireworks pictures. No one gives a shit about fireworks pictures. What am I doing? Everyone's crying. So I know that my neighbors are going to be so happy. When exactly? At 2:35am which is when America became a free country, according to history. They hear the first. They're gonna hear the drone, which is always. It's an exciting sound. It's the sound of the future. Now I have tapping drones and I have dropping drones. The tapping drones just tap on the window. I just want to make sure they wake up. And then they're going to come outside, like, probably excited. They probably know that something's going on because one of them saw me bring the pig out of the back of the car and was like, duncan, what are you doing? And I'm like, you'll find out. So. Yeah. And then each one Personalized fireworks made for each one. Drones are going to drop these fireworks, and then once the explosions happen, this is the best part. They're going to be out there, and they're going to go, oh, my God. I guess I live next to the coolest neighbor of all time. Guess what I got. Bacon drone. So a drone is going to fly over and drop meat directly on top of them, like a shower of American meat. And so that is. That's how I participate in our democracy. That's how I participate. What do you got planned for the 4th of July?

[Josh]

Well, quick question. Don't other countries also do this with the drones?

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, let's talk about other countries.

[Josh]

No, I was just asking.

[Duncan Trussell]

Fourth of July. Hey, let's talk about. Oh, you want to talk. I bet I know what you love to talk about. Paris. France. You want to talk about France? Gay Paris. That's. Josh. What? You want an accordion? Why don't you just get an accordion and play a French tune on the 4th of fucking July?

[Josh]

I love accordions.

[Duncan Trussell]

I know you do. You love accordions in the Eiffel Tower. Well, you know what? We can talk about Paris on French Day, but this is the eve of the Fourth of July. Just take that foul city out of your mouth. What do you have planned for the 4th of July? Seems like you're already tiptoeing around what you're gonna do.

[Josh]

Well, my kids are gonna go swimming, they're gonna hang out with their mother, and I will be doing my thing.

[Duncan Trussell]

What's your thing?

[Josh]

I'll be at home. And that's pretty much it. What do you mean, Fourth of July?

[Duncan Trussell]

Going to a parade.

[Josh]

We split.

[Duncan Trussell]

But you're going to a parade.

[Josh]

I mean, it's a parade by myself, really. I mean, it's. What we do in my family is.

[Duncan Trussell]

What do you mean, a parade? By yourself? You mean you're going for a walk by myself. That's called a walk.

[Josh]

It's also a parade.

[Duncan Trussell]

A solo parade is a walk. You're going on a walk.

[Josh]

I think you're judging my parade.

[Duncan Trussell]

But I am judging your parade. That's not a parade. It's a walk. A parade. A parade. There are a few specific things that would happen in a parade. One, there needs to be multiple people. Two, there needs to be an American flag, and that's a parade. Anything else? I don't know what it is. You're going on a walk. I guess. Okay, fine. You do your French thing, I'll do the American thing. We'll all do the American thing. And we're all celebrating. We're all celebrating. While you do your little lonely man walk, while you listen to Morrissey and take your little lonely, pitiful, sad walk, my children are gonna be shooting pigs in my yard. So now this is the denouement. I guess you would like that word French. So I hate name dropping, but I'm going to name drop. So this was years ago. I get an email from Hank Kleeter. Now Hank Kleeter, of course, is the premier country singer in America. He's the best country singer. He played at the inauguration. He is a genius. He loves the country. And so we've become friends. I just email with him, whatever. I got some of the recipes for my fireworks from him because he served overseas. And I was joking, honestly. And I was like, man, it'd be kind of cool if. I mean, it would be kind of cool if a Hank Cleeter song came on when my kids were shooting those pigs. And he's like, dunk, come on, just ask. I know what you want. I'm like, no, I'm not gonna ask. And you just ask. Ask, I'll kick your fucking ass again. He's kicked my ass a few times and I don't mind, man. Cleeter ass kicking, that's like the song. But he does get drunk. He drinks Everclear and he kicked my ass a couple of times in front of my kids. He's like, I will fucking fly there. He's got a private jet and that's the last time he kicked my ass. I thought I was joking. I'm like, no, you won't, you pussy bitch. And he flew on his private jet to Austin, came to my house, slammed down the door, kicked my fucking ass. My wife was weeping, goes upstairs with her for like 30 minutes, which is cool, calms her down. And then because I was like, bit unconscious, but he's like, I'll kick your fucking ass. Ask. Tell me what you want. Exactly. And I said, Mr. Cleeader. He makes me call him mister. It's cool. Mr. Cleater, it would be cool if you recorded a personal song for my family about the fourth of July that I could surprise my kids with. They love him. They look like him. That's a crazy. When you, when you love an artist, I think it's like the same way people start looking like your dogs. When you love an artist so much, sometimes your kids will look like the artist.

[Josh]

I don't think that's how genetics works.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's. We're not talking, we're not talking genetics. We're talking patriotism. Okay? We're talking love. And so anyway, he's like, yeah, sure, I'll whip something up for you. Now that's when Cleeader says he's gonna whip something up. I figured, you know, strumming a guitar, just some bullshit. Play what he sent me. This is what my kids will be listening to while they shoot pigs in my backyard in the afternoon of the 4th of July, which is tomorrow, you can pull me up on the screen. Fourth of July.

[Hank Cleeter]

Eagles in the sky, spreading peace. Explosions that create emotions.

[Duncan Trussell]

He did this in an afternoon of gratitude.

[Hank Cleeter]

The attitude that we all are feeling thanks to freedom. Bombs that bring planetary healing. If you want peace, you need a war for first before you drink water, need to feel the thirst. And if you want love, need an iron glove.

[Duncan Trussell]

What's this?

[Hank Cleeter]

It's not a grenade. It's the egg of a dove.

[Duncan Trussell]

Not a grenade. The egg of a duck.

[Hank Cleeter]

That's what we dropping tyranny. That's what we stopping. You better believe the founders would be please. That we're bringing peace bombs to the Middle East.

[Duncan Trussell]

Damn, he's got a killer voice.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Hank Cleeter]

They say just before George Washington died, he said, spread this freedom as he cried, let the whole world know the joy of liberation. That's why we created this brand new nation. Freedom to let the bombs explode. Democracy means for wars, we vote.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's true.

[Hank Cleeter]

America makes the world feel proud. Jesus is waving from the mushroom cloud.

[Duncan Trussell]

Goosebumps.

[Hank Cleeter]

Wave waves. See Jesus wave. This is the exact reason I rose from the grave. This is why I got crucified. So I could watch fireworks in American sky.

[Duncan Trussell]

Goosebumps.

[Josh]

Dude's a genius, man.

[Duncan Trussell]

No.

[Hank Cleeter]

Kings push over the throne. Stand beside her and guide her with AI to control her drones.

[Duncan Trussell]

Thank you. Thank you, Hank. Thank you. If you're watching, thank you so much. He says he would never watch this, but thank you so much, Hank. Thank you. Means the world to me. My kids. My kids are gonna. I just feel so grateful. He's just such a good man. He could have done anything. I mean, he just went to the studio and said, oh, yeah, sure. Here's a little present for. That's what he calls me. Cookie Trussle. Mmm. Have you heard that more people now consume cannabis than alcohol? Maybe it's because there's no hangover. Whatever the reason, Cornbread Hemp just launched these incredible THC seltzers. We are in the right timeline. Finally, a THC seltzer that tastes and feels amazing. Perfect for spring and Summer. This is a low calorie drink with only 30 calories and 5 grams of sugar. Made with pure THC in all natural ingredients, no synthetics. Each can has 5 milligrams of THC, which is the perfect amount so you don't feel couch locked or paranoid. Perfect for unwinding, kicking back and enjoying the moment without alcohol or a hangover. Four delicious flavors to choose from. Blueberry Breeze, Delicious Peach Iced Tea, Raspberry Limeade and Salted watermelon. Right now, DTFH listeners can save 30% off their first order and enjoy free shipping on orders of over $70 bucks. Head to cornbread hemp.com duncan and use code duncan at checkout. That's cornbread hemp.com duncan code duncan. Cornbread Hemp. This is the good life. So, yeah, Fourth of July, it's here, man. And that's what it's about. I hope if I ever get, if I ever become like a rugged man who knows how to play every instrument and write incredible lyrics and knows how to, like, build stuff and climb, and I have some beta who calls me up, emails me or whatever, and I hope that I have the generosity to go to my studio and make a song for him, because this is leading. That's what leadership looks like. It doesn't look like leadership. Doesn't look like complaining. It doesn't look like victim mentality. It definitely doesn't look like shuffling around on a solo walk, calling it a parade. A lot of people are doing that metaphorically. It doesn't mean any of those things. What it means is you spend an afternoon making maybe the greatest country song of all time for a man whose ass you have kicked multiple times. That's America. That's the Fourth of July. And that's what it's all about. We give to those we've. We give. And in a way, what Hank Kleeter did to me, those meaty fists, I needed them. It brought me peace. Before that, I was honestly very anxious. I had an anxiety disorder. And I don't know if it's like how hard my head hit the concrete. I don't know what it is. But after that, I don't know. I just felt calm. And let me put this in italics. I wish you could see it. I wish I could bring something peaceful, like real peace, not bullshit peace. A lot of days, these days especially, I don't think people understand what peace means. Some people, when they hear the word peace, they think it means no violence. Common misconception. People, when they hear the word Peace. They think that it means some kind of flaccid, impotent world where everyone's just shuffling around on solo parades with enough to eat and blah, blah, blah. Not worried about getting attacked from a super advanced military vehicle. That's not freedom. That's not peace. All that is, that's a coma. That's like saying that you consider sleeping to go into a coma. That's what Michael Jackson was doing at night. It's a sedated, anesthetized idiot world where. Oh, and then what do we are paying taxes for? I guess you want your money to go to what? Education? It's so fucked up. I'll tell you. I want my money. My tax dollars go. They do go to education. They go to educating tyrants about freedom. That's my tax dollars. That's the school. Let's just say I contribute to the global university of freedom and I'm proud of that. And when those sweaty, meaty fists. And I remember the taste of the sweat. I don't know why his hands were so sweaty. Those sweaty, meaty, hairy hammer fists pounding down. Before I lost consciousness and for a second, maybe it was a hallucination, maybe it was the beginning of the seizure that I had. Apparently. Obviously I don't remember, but apparently I had a seizure. I saw on one fist George Washington's face and on the other fist Thomas Jefferson. And they were kissing me. They weren't hurting me. And right before I lost consciousness together, they both said, we love you. Grow up. And so when people are upset that what our president, you know, that we had, that we put some flagpoles into Iran and waved a freedom flag because they say that's not peace. It is the most distorted, postmodern take. This is exactly what the woke culture wants to do. It wants to take the meaning of words and warp them. That's what they do. So what did they do? They took peace and they warped it so it means no war. Peace has always meant war. Peace has always meant war. That's literally before they got a hold of the fucking dictionaries. When you looked it up, that's what it said. Peace, the thing that happens after war.

[Josh]

Yeah. Order through chaos.

[Duncan Trussell]

I guess. I guess I don't think about that for a second. Just fuck. Are you a Satanist? Sounds like something a Satanist would say. That sounds some shit somebody would say at a satanic church.

[Josh]

Say it in France a lot.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, I'm sure they do.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

The home of the most disgusting form of kissing. French kissing. That's the first sign, don't go to fucking France. If God wanted us to put our fucking tongues in each other's goddamn mouths, he would have made our lips. Tongues. You tap the lips. Jesus, Josh, you seem like you're stoned. Anyway, I just want to say that I hope from the bottom of my heart that you are standing strong against Wokeism and the language police who want to turn words on their head. So I guess now peace means no war. Okay? Okay, snowflake. Because it don't. Peace cannot happen without war. To quote Mahatma Gandhi, war is the mother of peace. It's like you don't get a baby without a pregnant. It's not going to happen. Oh, I guess you don't want birth to be painful either, snowflake. So you want your baby to be brought to your doorstep by a stork, I guess. A stork flapping his pathetic low T wings, carrying a baby and dropping it on your doorstep so that women don't have to pay the price for deceiving the Lord. Okay, well, you know what? Why don't you take that up with the Lord and maybe you could go up to heaven and you could say, excuse me, Jesus, it seems like people think that when you said turn the other cheek and love your neighbor as yourself, they think that that means war. And that doesn't seem like what you meant at all. But yet lots of Christians are all pro war. And you know what he's gonna do to you? He's gonna do the exact same thing that happened to me. Jesus, Meaty, hairy, sweaty fists are gonna pound on your fucking face right there. Lucky for you, there'll probably be a cloud underneath your head instead of a sidewalk and my head hit my fountain. So maybe you won't have a seizure, but one thing I do hope you have is an epiphany. I hope is Jesus's hairy, meaty American fists pound your onto your woke head that you begin to understand that peace means war and war means peace. Peace. War. Same. War. Peace. Same. Have you ever heard of the book? And I'm guessing you haven't, because the person I'm talking to is a real dummy. Have you ever heard the book War and Peace? Do you know what their original title was before the media mob and the woke liberal elite got ahold of it? War is peace. But they changed it to War and peace, creating the differentiation. Because the problem is not war any more than the problem is mothers. The problem is the distinction that this new postmodern Marxist, neo communist, Ivy League poisoned mob of Drooling, drug addicted, polyamorous, androgynous fanatics. The problem is that they have gotten into the very way we express some of the most fundamental pillars of what it means to be in America. And I'll tell you, when you're looking up at the fourth of July fireworks, my guess is whoever I'm talking to out there probably plug your ears. Oh, it's too loud. You know what you're seeing? You're seeing exactly what we saw. I didn't see it. I wish I had. The Founding Fathers saw the bombs exploding. Beautiful bombs. Beautiful bombs. The rocket's red glare Bombs bursting in air Gave proof through the night. What, Josh?

[Josh]

That our flag was still there.

[Duncan Trussell]

I can't even believe you know that. Yeah, I thought you were going to say it in fucking French.

[Josh]

No, they teach it in French too, though.

[Duncan Trussell]

You fuck. Shut the fuck up. It was perfect until that. You always bring up the French thing. He's a Francophile. Maybe other kinds of files. The point is this. Those bombs, those fireworks, that's what it represents. You don't get America without a war. You don't get Carl's junior Without a war. You don't get the Burger King, which is the only king that I support. Without a war. War is what, Josh?

[Josh]

Peace.

[Duncan Trussell]

Peace is what, Josh.

[Josh]

More.

[Duncan Trussell]

Peace. Peace is war. War is peace. Say it three times. We'll say it together. One, two, un, du trois. War is peace. Peace is war. War is peace. Peace is war. War is peace. Say it with us. Peace is war. War is peace.

[Josh]

And money.

[Duncan Trussell]

Shut the fuck up.

[Josh]

Money's money.

[Duncan Trussell]

So there's nothing to do with money. Oh, my God.

[Josh]

Industrial peace complex.

[Duncan Trussell]

Shut the fuck up. It has nothing to do with. Oh, so you're like the petrodollar guy. Are you gonna do petrodollar? Are you going to say the only reason that we do anything globally is something to do with the fucking petrodollar? Please. You know what? When Alex Jones comes in here, you and him can talk about the goddamn petrodollar. When you're here, we're going to talk about. War is peace. Peace is war. Nothing to do with money. Nothing to do with the military industrial complex controlling all branches of government. Nothing to do with private weapons manufacturers with shit tons of money, laundering taxpayer money. Nothing to do with all the money that we lose in wars. Nothing to do with an insane form of redistribution of wealth, except it's not coming from the wealthy, it's generally coming from the lower middle class. Nothing to do with that. Nothing to do with that. What it has to do with is this world is desperate for peace. Desperate. And we bring peace all over the world. We've been doing it and we will be doing it for a long time. The United States has been at peace for 93% of its history. Now, on to more important things. Can you. Josh, will you mind pulling up? This is really interesting. And by the way, happy 4th, everybody. Josh, can you pull up? Scientists DETECT OBJECT from OUTSIDE SOLAR System this is really, really. For only the third time in history, astronomers have discovered a new interstellar object that originated from outside the solar system. The object known as 31atlas is likely a comet and is much faster than any other interstellar object. Go to The Washington Post 34 minutes ago. This is hot off the presses. Scroll down. I love how they make the planets like a ball. Can you close that? A newly discovered interstellar comet is hurtling around. As only the third interloper object to be observed in our solar system. It is not expected to impose to pose an impact risk to Earth. But telescopes around the world have been able to detect the mystery visitor. The comet officially named 31 Atlas. Who names these fucking comets? Please, please, someone else name this shit. What an unoriginal name for something outside the fucking galaxy. If I'm in the meeting where we name comets and someone suggests that instantly fired, I'm going dove charney on them. Is currently located around 420 million miles away. There's I guarantee in that meeting somebody was like name it hyperborea, name it sparkly and then this boring ass shit is like three iatlas. Sounds great. It's currently located around 420 million miles away and inside the orbit of Jupiter. But don't let the distance deter you. Telescope imagery from Italy of the celestial visitor is being live streamed tonight at 6pm now look up umamu. O u m. How do you not know how to spell that? O U M A there. It pops up when you look down. Go back one. Go back one more. Uma. Now put m m there. Uma Mwama thought it was two words. Now check this out, baby. Uma Mwama is the first observed interstellar object to pass through our solar system. Was discovered in 2017. Is notable for its unusual turd shape, reddish color and unexpected acceleration as it moved away from the sun. Now, now this is fascinating. Do you know about this fucking thing? I heard about it, so I had Avi Loeb on the podcast ages ago. I'm gonna reach out to him and see if he'll talk about this new Visitor, we have coming in. But this is nuts, this thing. And that's just an artist's rendition. Of course they made it look like. Honestly, you've been taking fiber, probably that's. Soften it up a little bit, and you're doing pretty great. But of course, they make it look like a turd.

[Josh]

Ooh, that would destroy my ass.

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, it depends on the size of your ass.

[Josh]

Not that big.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, but, I mean, of course it's a massive interstellar object, but if we inflated your asshole to, like, two times the size of the sun, you wouldn't even feel it. It's all relative.

[Josh]

Yeah, didn't think about it that way.

[Duncan Trussell]

So this thing, what's crazy about it is that it shoots into our. See, how do you turn. Look at that. See the wik. Pull up the Wikipedia. Oh, go back one. See the Wikipedia, where it just shows this white. The white, like here, right there. Pull that up. See, how do you turn that into a turd? Same person who named it Atlas is like, I'll draw it, man. Probably looks like a big old log. Like, how does that turn in? You know what I mean? When I see that, I'm not like, yeah, that probably looks like a turd. Anyway, we'll let the science do their thing. Red color, that means not enough fiber, honestly. But this interstellar object shoots into our solar system, and it does the thing that we do when we're getting satellites to Mars or probes to Mars. It did that slingshot shit around the sun. That's what's weird. It did exactly the thing you would do if you were a spaceship and wanted to build up some extra speed. You do this crazy shit where you zip around the sun. I guess it's kind of like if you tie a rope to a tree, you run with a rope on the tree and jump, and the rope carries you around the tree. We used to call that tree spinning back when I was a kid. Spin around that tree. Spin and spin. And so you spin around. And so now that we've got again, this is the third time we've detected one of these things. And they're so close together. So now people are saying, by people, I mean me, that of course, that was the probe, that was the exploring turd doing a scan. And they're like, oh, wow, look at that. We've got some kind of intelligence down there. Something like intelligence. Lots of water. We need water. So we'll come back and get the water. And that's what people were saying. That first one was a probe. This One which is going to be zipping by Mars. So if you get the first thing is the probe. The second thing is it's the explorers. And they're going to stop off at Mars, drop off a lot of colonists so they could get ready. We can't get to Mars. It's a perfectly safe place to prepare for an invasion. Then they're going to prepare for the invasion from Mars or whatever, you know, whatever you want to call it. And then they're going to. And all the UAPs we've been seeing, that's what the first space log dropped off. Some drones to scan us. Now they know everything about us. Now they're coming to say hello. So that's what people are saying.

[Josh]

You think they'll give us blankets?

[Duncan Trussell]

Hope so. Be nice if they gave us blankets and soft things, pacifiers. It'd be cool if they gave us Vicks VapoRub, it'd be cool if they gave us like bags of very clean Molly. What do you fucking mean, man? They're not going to give us blankets. They're going to give us tech. No doubt after scanning our civilization, these visitors probably were very impressed. They realized, like, my God, like, look at how advanced this species is. Like, they are so smart. They really seem to have their priorities straight. They definitely have surpassed the. Their distant ancestors, the monkeys. They've learned that self interest, selfishness, and a fixation on one's own identity is a waste of time. That the most important thing is to become sort of part of a superorganism, which you are, and help those around you. So my feeling is they're probably going to give us some pretty amazing weapons because they know we can handle it responsibly. I think we're gonna get.

[Josh]

That's more peace.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's what I'm saying, baby. We're gonna get laser cannons. And I'll tell you what's gonna be really funny. All the tyrants out there, and by tyrant I mean people who are talking about not using the petrodollar anymore, they're gonna go, boo hoo. Why didn't the alien give me the guns? And it's like, oh, I wonder why. Because you were suggesting using an alternate currency to trade for oil. Don't do that. Bad idea.

[Josh]

So they got Gaddafi.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's how they got. Well, that's how Gaddafi got got.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

So that's very exciting that this is happening. And now to the news. Hold on one second, let me pull this up. Trying to make this a little foreign. This episode of the DTFH is brought to you by my new friends at Chubby's. And I do mean new friends. Because you know what people don't say when they look at my butt? It's Chubby. In fact, some people might say it doesn't exist. So you must know how happy I was when I received my Chubby's swim trunks in the mail, pulled them on and realized somehow, by some miracle, I don't know how they do it. I don't want to know. Maybe it's magic. It actually seems like I have a butt. You know what that means to the buttless? To people like me? I can go swimming. I look good in my swim trunks. I've got a butt. Thanks to Chubby's, I'm going on vacation with the family soon. Man, you should see my old swim trunks that I am happily incinerating. They're horrible. They probably anger. There is a God. I imagine God looks at my old swim trunks and thinks, why did I do this? Why did I make all this stuff? Somebody's gonna be flopping around, no butt in those old stanky dad swim trunks, faded palm trees on them that he bought in Vegas because he wanted to swim. And he went down to the pool and realized, you shouldn't swim in a Vegas pool. It's disgusting. Now I have Chubbies on my side. On my team. On Team Trussell. On not just Team Trussell, but on the team of all of us who want to let the dogs out for the summer. Who want to show those legs at the pool and not feel like something that should be driven into a bell tower. And somehow, I don't know how this is even possible. There are uncomfortable swim trunks out there. It's like people making swim trucks want you to hurt while you swim. People making swim trunks don't want your vacation to be as great as it could be. They want you to suffer. I don't know what that is. Maybe it's a plot. Maybe it's just bad design. But Chubby's. Chubby's flies. In the face of those swim trunk warlocks who want to darken our summers, they have created a mystical, super comfortable, perfectly fitting swim trunk. When at last I say goodbye to this mortal plane, I'm probably gonna get cremated. But if I wasn't, I'd wear Chubbies. I'd wear Chubbies in my casket. And when the sun goes down, swap into a pair of everywhere shorts. They fit right, feel right, and go with everything. And after wearing them once, you'll find yourself wondering why you even own other shorts. I don't really own other shorts. I'm a no short guy. At least I was until I slid these dogs into a perfectly fitting pair of Chubbies. Whether you're suiting up for Cannonballs cookouts or casual Fridays, Chubby's has you covered for a limited time. Chubby's is giving our listeners 20% off your order with our Code Duncan at chubbysshorts.com that's Code [e-mail] support our show. Let them know we sent you Summer's here. Dress like it in Chubbies. Support my new sponsors, won't you? They're rolling the dice on me, and they sent me a free pair of awesome swim trunks. So buy some Chubbies. Make them. Make them feel like they made the right decision. Make them feel like they did the right thing. Staking their business, their future, their children's future. On the dtfh. Get some Chubbies. Also, if you're one of the assless, get ready. You're going to know what everybody else feels like all the time. All right, guys, here's some headlines real quick. Pretty soon we'll have graphics that we pop up and say headlines. Here we go. These are the top headlines from today. King Galfrond scores Massive Payout from Paramount Illusionist Guild this happened in Eldoria. In a stunning legal victory, King Galfron will receive a 16 million gold piece settlement from the Paramount Purveyors of Illusions, ending a contentious dispute that has captivated the kingdom. The king's legal mages argued that the guild, known for its powerful and widely distributed scrying pool broadcasts, had maliciously altered his image to undermine his rule. God bless King Galfrond. Paramount, a media conglomerate powered by some of the most skilled illusionists in the realm, had defended its broadcast as protected artistic commentary. However, the hefty settlement suggests a capitulation to the king's demands. May he live forever. Sources close to the royal treasury confirm the gold will be used to fund significant new infrastructure projects, though critics worry this will stifle free expression and lead to self censorship among bards and artists critical of the crown. That's ridiculous. Jury Reaches Partial Verdict in Puffy the Shaper Corruption Trial Greyhawk City the high profile trial of Bard Puffy the Shaper saw a major development today as the jury returned verdicts on most of the sweeping charges against him. However, the city holds its breath as jurors remain deadlocked in a final critical count. I believe that actually Puffy the Shaper was only found guilty of a couple of the charges. He's a bard. You know what I mean? I'm not excusing what he did, but if you guys have ever been in a tavern after hours and hung out with a bard after the performance, they're fucking nuts. They are nuts. I was sitting next to a bard, obviously not Puffy the Shaper. This is just a basic tavern far away from Greyhawk City in Calvanzio, when I was looking for the wand of Dresik's house. Cleaning wand, basic wand. And I enjoyed the bard's lute. But I was sitting next to him, just sort of talking, and he was drinking ale and seemed a little drunk. And what was really, really weird is that I guess he had a ring of invisibility that only turned his finger invisible. And yes, I know. I always thought they just made your whole body invisible, but apparently they have some that just make your appendages invisible. And so all of a sudden, I feel like I have to use the bathroom and I look down and he put his invisible finger right up my butt and laughed. He laughed and laughed and pulled it out. I'm like, dude, you know what? That's karma. Take a smell of that. Because, like, we, you know, it had been a long ride. So they're. I'm just saying they're wild. No excuse or anything like that, but asking a bard to not put his finger up your butt is like asking a dog to not eat a steak that fell off the table. Now this is interesting. Fragile 60 day ceasefire declared between Ivory Tower wizards and Sons of the Serpent. Thank God this is in. The sun scorched south. A glimmer of hope has emerged from the war ravaged southern deserts today as the council of High Wizards of the Ivory Tower and the leadership of the Sons of the Serpent warrior tribes have agreed to a 60 day ceasefire. That's great. The cord, brokered by neutral third party sorcerers, temporarily halts decades of brutal conflict. The long war has seen devastating magical bombardments from the wizards and relentless bloody raids from the tribal warriors, leaving the region on the brink of total collapse. The truce is intended to allow humanitarian aid, including vital political potions. Thank God. And enchanted supplies to reach besieged settlements. Diplomats from both factions are scheduled to meet in an undisclosed magically shielded oasis to begin negotiations. Key topics will include the exchange of prisoners and the potential establishment of a permanent recognized border. For the first time in a generation, there is a cautious optimism that a lasting peace may be forged from the sands of war. Though many are worried that the Sand Dragon has awoken and cannot be put back to sleep. That bothers the shit out of me.

[Josh]

Yeah. But the Orange wizard said that he would, you know, fix it. So we'll see.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. You know, I have great respect for all wizards. Always have wanted to be a wizard. Just didn't make it. Didn't get selected and make it through the initiation.

[Josh]

It's political.

[Duncan Trussell]

I don't know if it's political, man. I could have tried hard. I could have tried harder. I didn't want to drink. I didn't want to drink blood, you know, And I. I tried. I'll be honest. I just puked it up. It tastes horrible. Very tinny. Tastes very. Just gross. Like, the other kids around me seem like they've been practicing with, like. I didn't even know you could practice with your own blood. So I just been like, I'll just fucking gulp it down. Anyway, I have a lot of respect for wizards. I want to put that out there first. I definitely don't want to seem. I don't want to upset a wizard. Basically. I'm not afraid of them. But, I mean, I'm not saying this because I'm afraid of wizards at all, but I do respect. I have a great deal of respect for what they do. And if there are any wizards listening, I do really mean that. So please don't curse me or anything like that. That being said, sometimes I do feel like wizards, and I mean this with all due respect, they don't think that far ahead. And we all know about the Sand Dragon. We all know about the Sand Dragon of the Sun. Scorched south, put to sleep by Asmodeus the lizard whisperer 500 decahedrons ago. Sleeping soundly beneath the desert. We all know that there was some chance he could the dragon go right back up. And I don't know. I'd love to know what you think about this. Some people claim that there are wizards who actually want to awaken the dragon. They don't want the dragon to sleep. I don't want to get, like, weird here, but what are your thoughts on that?

[Josh]

They're asking me. Or are they asking the audience?

[Duncan Trussell]

I'm asking you.

[Josh]

I think that. Oh, real quick. Sorry. Breaking news. The House of Warlocks just passed the big beautiful Bill.

[Duncan Trussell]

Are you kidding?

[Josh]

No.

[Duncan Trussell]

Full respect to the House of Warlocks. Not only do I have great respect for wizards, I definitely have great respect for warlocks. And not gonna say, not gonna upset. Don't upset a warlock. That's what my grandfather used to say to me. All the time. Don't upset a warlock. And it was funny because he had a hooked hand because of something that a warlock withered his hand. And so he'd wave the hook and say, don't upset a warlock. They will wither your hand. So, yeah, good. That's good. Whatever the warlocks do, I support. And the warlocks are beautiful. Right, Josh? Always, always love the warlocks. And that's great that they have installed the big, beautiful bill. AKA Grimoire of Sarthenon. Yeah, sure. You know, there's people out there like, you're really gonna like. It's a massive grimoire. Like, even the greatest wizards couldn't possibly understand everything within those pages, those vile pages inked in the blood of the ancients. But it's like, you know, this is why. This is why we got warlocks. I'm sure they found a way to explore the tome in a safe sanctum of protection. And no doubt the stories about that particular grimoire are probably mostly peasant talk about those curse pages. And the Clerics Guild is kind of upset about it. But the clerics hate Grimoires. Clerics are always being bitches. If you think about it. Clerics are always. Don't open the grimoires. We just want to heal. But it's like, you know, I'm just not going to get involved. I respect the clerics, I respect the warlocks, I respect the wizard, and I respect the king, and I respect the many deities of the kingdom. Leave it at that. What about you, Josh?

[Josh]

The clerics are kind of annoying me. The Sanders cleric, It's just talk.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, yeah, you're talking about Sanders, the gleaming blade worshiper of Lotharian. Well, you know, followers of Lotharion are. You know, he's old. Let's also mention that, like, he has chosen not to drink of the waters of youth because apparently they contain within them actual. How would you say, Nectar of youth. I guess you could say, and I don't think these days, it does make. The way they apparently are getting the nectar extracted does not seem like legal. And so he didn't want to drink that. Okay, but. And Bud, if you're. You know, he got old. What do you want? You know, he's like one of the few. Most clerics you run into out there, very young and happy to drink the nectar. Again, not judging or not unjudging or anything. Totally neutral here, but. Yeah, I know what you mean. But full respect to him and to Lotharian, the God of light. And the light which heals. Wow. You just Say anything, won't you?

[Josh]

Well, I was a disciple of his back in 2016.

[Duncan Trussell]

I didn't know that. What happened?

[Josh]

I shaved my head and nothing changed. And I was very upset.

[Duncan Trussell]

Did you drink of the waters?

[Josh]

They gave me some. They said it was the waters, but I think they gave me some.

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, those are the. That's the test. Oh, you're supposed to taste. Did it taste kind of like salty?

[Josh]

Thick?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, those could have been the waters. Maybe you just. I don't know, maybe you're cursed. Sometimes I think you're cursed. Sometimes you do seem cursed.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Do you ever wonder if you're cursed?

[Josh]

Yes, all the time. Well.

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, have you ever tried to lift the curse?

[Josh]

We'll find out if the curse doesn't happen. I'm turning 40, and I was cursed. Upon that, my life would end at 40 and.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, classic curse.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, I got cursed. Got rid of the curse. Had to trade a ball for it.

[Josh]

What kind of ball?

[Duncan Trussell]

My testicle.

[Josh]

Oh, okay.

[Duncan Trussell]

Necromancers, you know, they are. Yeah, I couldn't afford the clerics. Didn't have cleric insurance. Had to go to a necromancer. And the necromancer was like. I'm like. I mean, he's like, good news, bad news. I could definitely lift your curse. I'm like, great, let's do it. And he's like, pull out your balls. And I really regretted not signing up for cleric insurance at that moment. But he had a swift hand. Swift Blade. That was actually his name. Swift Blade Necromancer. Swift Blade of Pasadena.

[Josh]

Well, my mom gave me this. It doesn't say that I won't die, but it does say.

[Duncan Trussell]

Put it back. Put it back.

[Josh]

Okay.

[Duncan Trussell]

I don't. I don't. I don't know what the amulet that is. I hate that. Don't. Don't pull your amulet out. I don't know what that is. You really can just pull out an amulet? Crazy. Damn, dude.

[Josh]

My mom gave it to me after the.

[Duncan Trussell]

After the great outbreak, after the plague we just had. You're just pulling out amulets?

[Josh]

I wasn't showing off.

[Duncan Trussell]

You were pulling out a fucking amulet. Are you fucking kidding me?

[Josh]

I was opening up.

[Duncan Trussell]

Wow. I guess you just didn't. Haven't read any. Anything that cleric Falchio has been writing about. I guess you pay no attention to the House of Pfizer and all of their great clerics and their recommendations. Keep your amulets to yourself. Sorry, guys. He's learning. Don't. Don't judge him. He's learning. For those of you listening, Josh just pulled out an amulet and it did have a dark, shadowy glow to it. It did seem also cursed. It had a weird resonance to it, and I did feel a chill in the air. So it definitely has the feel of a cursed amulet. No offense against your mom. I would never give my children a cursed amulet. But honestly, older people don't seem to even understand anything about amulets these days. And there's nothing worse than when your mom appears on the. On the crystal ball wanting you to give instructions on, like, how to operate in some new amulet. I hate it because it's just like, you know, generally it's a. Just move a disc or whatever, you know, it depends on the amulet. Point is, there's a lot going on. Let's see if there's any new news stories right now. Let me look it up. And while I do this, everybody, let me just say thank you so much to those who are viewing me in the kingdom of La Sanka Dornell. And of course, to the magistrates of Wisteria. We are so grateful to you. The Illusionist Guild obviously does supplement my income and by placing their beautiful recommendations for wonderful items that you can purchase. But if you would like episodes of this podcast, free from the little mini stories of the Illusionist Guild, you can become a subscriber and no offense to the Illusionist Guild. Love you guys. Thank you so much for supporting me and my family. Very grateful to you for that. If you become a member, you will be free of any of the illusionist stories. Or you can subscribe to my [e-mail] dtfh and I just want to say thank you to all of you who are out there right now, watching live live through the various crystals that people are using these days. Holy shit, this is bad. This just happened. La la la la. Massive Necromancer Data Breach Exposes Millions to Identity Theft Spells did you hear about this?

[Josh]

No.

[Duncan Trussell]

The Cloud Spire, a catastrophic security failure at the powerful necromancer guild Cloudspire analytics has resulted in one of the largest data breaches in the kingdom's history. Arcane investigators confirmed today that the sensitive personal information from over 50 million citizens, including true names, Fuck. Birth signs and financial runes, has been stolen by a shadowy syndicate of chaos mages. Cloudspire Analytics, a guild of necromancers who specializes in data animation, the practice of resurrecting and analyzing vast quantities of public and private information, admitted their protective wards were bypassed. Experts warned that the stolen data could be used by illicit spellcasters to craft powerful identity theft and glamour spells allowing thieves to impersonate individuals. God damn. Drain greengots accounts and even take out magical loans in a victim's name. The Royal Magistrate's office has issued a public warning urging citizens to monitor their scrying pools for unusual activity and to update their personal warding spells immediately.

[Hank Cleeter]

Whoo.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's terrifying. That's fucking terrible. Have you ever. Have you ever had your identity duplicated?

[Josh]

Yes. Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

What happened?

[Josh]

They passed away.

[Duncan Trussell]

What passed away?

[Josh]

The person who duplicated my identity. They were 40? Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Did you curse him?

[Josh]

They didn't have an amulet, so.

[Duncan Trussell]

Man, I gotta tell you. I mean, listen. To each his own. I'm not throwing curses. I'm not going to do that. But I did have my identity duplicated. I was turned into a golem. Horrible. I didn't even know. Then, like, some fucking shitty necromancer threw some garbage party in North Carolina. And you know, I found out because I saw one of my friends, he's like, dude, you were giving blowjobs to everybody at that necromancer party. And I'm like, I wasn't. What necromancer? What are you fucking talking about? I wasn't there. I was at work. And he's like, oh, shit, dude, they duplicated you, man. Turned you into a suck golem. So yeah, it was bad. No pun intended. It sucked. But I was able to. Somebody in my family did a reversal spell and apparently the suck golem just melted mid blowjob during another of their parties. All over somebody.

[Josh]

But don't you retain all the memories?

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So there's a silver lining. But here's another one. Wizards Announce Breakthrough in Anti Aging Potions Sparking Ethical Debate. Silverwood City, the esteemed Royal College of Wizardry that's who rejected me, announced a monumental breakthrough today that could fundamentally alter the course of life in the realms. A team of high level transmutation wizards has successfully brewed a stable and reproducible anti aging potion capable of reversing the physical aging process by several decades. Lead wizard Archmade Elara State. She is hot. No offense, but she is usually archmages are all, I don't know, bent over like she's. Damn.

[Josh]

They're building them different now, I guess so.

[Duncan Trussell]

Lead wizard Archmade Alara stated in a press conference at the potion, dubbed a Chronomancer's drought, has passed all mystical trials and could be available to the nobility within five years. The nobility, while the promise of extended and you know, I guess someone could argue like, shouldn't we also make this available to the peasantry? But, yeah, I think. I mean, who do you want to have the longer lifespan? I think somebody slopping a pig or somebody like the beautiful Elara, the one.

[Josh]

Who deserves it.

[Duncan Trussell]

Then. Well, that would be the nobility, wouldn't it? But you didn't say that right away.

[Josh]

I thought I meant.

[Duncan Trussell]

No, you said someone who deserves it.

[Josh]

The one who deserves it. And I meant that.

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, why wouldn't you just say, of course, the nobility. Why would you say one who deserves it? Because then, honestly, you sound like one of the renegades. That's the last thing I fucking need, is fucking renegade propaganda right now. The last thing I need is renegade propaganda when we have 466 people gazing upon us right now through their crystals and nobody wants to hear renegade propaganda. I do not support the renegades. I support the nobility. I give full allegiance to the king. Say that. Say you give full allegiance to the fucking king.

[Josh]

I give full allegiance to the fucking king.

[Duncan Trussell]

No, say, I give full allegiance to the king.

[Josh]

I give full allegiance to the king.

[Duncan Trussell]

I reject the propaganda of the renegades.

[Josh]

I reject the propaganda of the renegade.

[Duncan Trussell]

I support. Say it like you mean, I support the nobility.

[Josh]

I support the nobility.

[Duncan Trussell]

And give full respect to the wizards, necromancers and clerics of the land.

[Josh]

Full respect to the wizards and necromancers.

[Duncan Trussell]

And clerics of the land. Jesus, this was so fucking. You're going to get our portals closed. It's not that kind of. This is not that kind of podcast. That's exciting, man. A Chronomancer's drought. I would love to take a sip of that. Get this white out of my beard. Hmm, that's interesting. Look into that. Wonder what that feels like. You ever wonder. Have you ever met anybody who drank a youth potion?

[Josh]

Yeah. They say it just. It runs through your veins and it feels like you throb.

[Duncan Trussell]

Your whole body throbs. That's what they say. It's like feeling like you've been cold your whole life and a warm blanket got wrapped around you. Remember Wizard Brian? We had him on. He was working on a drought, so. I wonder what he thinks about this. I think he knows. Archmade Elara. Archmage. Excuse me. To those of you who follow her. She is so beautiful. Beautiful feet. Tensions flare as rival adventuring guilds clash over disputed dragon horde. Huh? The Dragon's Tooth Mountains. A territorial dispute in the treacherous Dragon's Tooth Mountains has escalated into open conflict between two of the realm's most prominent adventuring guilds, the Crimson Blades and the Gilded Compass. The conflict erupted over salvage rights to the horde of the recently slain ancient red dragon Ignithrax. Reports from the area describe intense skirmishes involving both swordplay and significant magical barrages, resulting in several casualties on both sides. Damn. The Crimson Blades. A guild known for its martial prowess, claims they dealt the final blow to the dragon and thus have sole claim. However, the Gilded Compass, a consortium of treasure owners and lore masters, insist they're detailed maps and ancient lore. Oh, shut the fuck up. In ancient lore, we're essential to locating the lair, and we can. Okay, if maps kill dragons, maybe. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm not afraid of talking shit about the Gilded Compass. Always causing shit. Oh, did you draw a map? Did you get your quill pen and re ink out a map to the dragon, and now you get the treasure. Shut the fuck up. Don't fuck with the Crimson Blades. My dad was in the Crimson Blades. Don't fuck with the blades. You're a map drawer. You draw maps. You. You. You read old tomes. And by the way, it ain't that hard to find out where a fucking dragon is. Stop acting like everyone didn't know where the dragon was. We all knew that the dragon, Ignithrax, was where. The Dragon Tooth Mountain. The what mountains? Dragon Tooth Mount. So I guess we need you to help us figure out where the dragons are. Ridiculous. I'm so sick of the Gilded Compass. I'm so sick of it. It's an overhyped. It's an overhyped group of fucking Betas. Stop. The Crimson Blades are out there fighting a fucking dragon while you're sitting on your goddamn ass with your fucking pseudo dragons and your little quill pens and your stupid outfits. Pseudo dragons. They all have pseudo dragons. And they get toxoplasmosis from changing the pseudo dragon shit. They all have brain parasites. So sick of that. Like, can we not have some good news? Like, do you understand how wonderful it is that Ignithrax is gone? Do you know that? Ignithrax. How many children did he scorch? How many towns did he lay waste to? He was an asshole. He was a fucking asshole. You ever read his substack? Mm. Mm. Total fascist piece of shit. And then the Crimson Blades go in there and do what the Crimson Blades do. Take him out. And now they got to deal with these asshole nerds saying it's because of us. Fuck them. Fuck the Gilded Compass. Honestly, I love to imagine the Gilded Compass fighting the Crimson Blades. It's like, you know what? Go ahead, honestly, go ahead, try to fight the Crimson fucking Blades.

[Josh]

The pen is mightier than the sword.

[Duncan Trussell]

Not when you're actually have a sword. Not when someone has a sword. You've got your little stupid phoenix feather quilt pen. What are you gonna do with that? What are you gonna do with that? Let him fight. I say let him fight. Says here that a local baron has dispatched peacekeepers to the region. But Phil's fears the conflict could spiral into a full blown guild war. Let it. Let it. Honestly, let it. I don't want anyone to get hurt, but honestly, this is a situation of like fuck around and find out. Scrawny ass, Gilded compass bitches. I'm surprised they could even hike up into the Dragon's Tooth Mountains. My parents took me up there for vacation before the awakening of that horrific monster Ignithrax. And this is brutal out there. Beautiful, but brutal. Just. Just exactly what it sounds like. Sharp stones everywhere, skeletons everywhere. And it was a nice trip. But again, like that was before Ignithrax awoke. All right, well look, we have a little bit of time to chat. Anybody want to add anything here? Someone's asking where am I reading this from? I'm reading it from. It's the substack of Scribe Laurius. Really great substack.

[Josh]

You want to see some of the super chats?

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh yeah, let's look at the super chats. And again, thank you everyone for looking through your scrying orbs and black mirrors. It means the world to me that you are watching the dtfh. I bow to all the realms. I bow to the sorcerers, as I mentioned before, and I'm not afraid. You could easily say I'm fence riding. I bow to the wizards, bow to the sorcerers, bow to the clerics, bow to the necromancers, bow to the king. That doesn't mean I'm fence riding. I have full respect for all of them. Don't want any trouble. Brit. Thank you so much, Martin Mxr. I'm going to get to that because that answer is going to take a little bit longer. Jordan J. Turner. Thank you. Hello, Jordan from Chicago. Member for two months, Hardcore. And Ethan Berger is asking, where am I reading this from? It's a substack. It's just one of the scribes. He's great. You know I don't like the slanted. You know, look, I'll read you some news from one of the slanted ones. My friends, this episode of the DTFH was brought to you By Minnesota Nice. Now listen. Don't do it. Don't skip ahead. This is important and I mean it. I've heard about Amanita muscaria mushrooms before, but I'd never tried them. You know me, I'm a fan of psychedelics, but I'm biased towards psilocybin. So when I heard about amanitas, when I heard they're legal, I don't know, I just overlooked it. Yeah, I've read the Sacred Mushroom and the Cross. Yes, I've heard that Amanita muscarias are something that can connect you with Christ consciousness. The Druids used it. Surely the Druids know what they're doing. The Christmas trees and the ornaments hanging off them were actually to represent the Druids drawing amanitas that Amanita muscaria is a portal to a cosmic realm. Didn't believe it until my dear friends at Minnesota Nice sent me amanito muscaria gummies. Wow. May I reiterate? They're legal. Man. Here's some things I didn't know about Amanita muscaria. I didn't know that people who are addicted to benzos have been using them to kick benzos, as in Xanax, Valium. The devil's spit, dried into a tablet. It affects the GABA receptors. My favorite receptors. And meaning that as some sweet offering to humanity, we have psychoactive mushroom that also chills you out. Are you kidding me? Like, how did I not know about this? I mean, I knew about it. I guess it's my own personal laziness. Minnesota Gneiss was founded by Christian Rasmussen. He used Amanita muscaria to break free from the benzodiazepine prison. A drug epidemic gripping this country where thousands are now turning to this mushroom to escape the clutches of these meds. It's the number one supplier of amanita muscaria in the United States, trusted by over 25,000 seekers who've scoured the web and found the real deal. And no fairy tales. Just high quality products at an affordable price. I can confirm this. I won't go into detail, but when I was in Waco, Texas, I stopped off at some, you know, head shop is what we used to call it in the day. Thinking that when I was picking up Amanita muscari, it would be the same. Oh, no, not the same. I don't know what I ate, but it wasn't the incredible Amanita. I don't know what I ate in Waco, but it sure as hell wasn't. The incredible Amanita muscaria that Minnesota Gneiss is providing for us didn't feel like it at all. So there is a difference. And Lord God, Minnesota Gneiss has dialed in how to create incredible, delicious Amanita gummies. Their Amanita Muscaria capsules have 500 milligrams of raw powder each. And they recommend starting with two to three capsules. That's 1 to 1.5 grams to feel the effects. Within about an hour, you'll sink into a deep, otherworldly calm. It lasts six to eight hours. And you might just dream of dancing with a Mad Hatter or flying with Santa's reindeer. Listen, they told me to say that I will. I didn't. None of that has happened to me on Amanita and it certainly hasn't happened to me on Psilocybin. But what did happen was I felt real calm and had this nice, beautiful, psychedelic quality to the calm. I fully endorsed them and I talked to Christian for at least two hours. I thought it would just be a quick call with a sponsor and I realized, whoa, this dude is so cool. And truly believes in the power of Amanita to get the benzo monkey off your back. Got it. Off his Minnesota Nice Ethnic botanicals wants to help you rediscover the magic of the world's most iconic mushroom. Go to mn-nice-ethnobotanicals.com and use code DUNCAN20 for 20% off your forced order of Amanita Muscaria capsules. That's mn-nice ethnobotanicals.com code DUNCAN TWITTY. Fuck Duncan Twitty. That's mn nice-ethnobotanicals.Com code DUNCAN20. Don't wait. The law of revelation is calling. Much love. Also, guys, there's going to be a link. That is the craziest domain name I've ever heard. Christian. We got to talk about that. There's gonna be a link. If you're driving, you're like, that's a seven word link. Probably just Google Minnesota. Nice. Go to YouTube. Go to Duncan trussell.com you will find the link there. Click on it. Do yourself a favor. You know I would not passionately rave about something if I wasn't truly excited about it. And this stuff is wild. He's an agenda free scribe, which I prefer. Here we go. So this one's from Crystal News Network. Oppression in the mines. Cobalt laborers strike against royal decree demanding unsafe quotas. Stonefell depths. A courageous and this is slanted. This is what you're going to get if you go to the warped media mob. A courageous and desperate act of defiance is unfolding in the deep, dangerous mithril mines of the Stonefall depths. The Cobalt Miners Union, representing thousands of exploited laborers, is declared a general strike. Refusing to work under a new royal decree issued by King Galfrond's Ministry of Treasure. The decree demands a 20% increase in mithril extraction quotas, which is completely reasonable these days. Especially a move the union says is impossible to meet without disabling the most basic magical safety wards. Shut the fuck up. You know, the Kobolds have been mining long before most of the modern safety wards existed. And they were fine leading in certain injury or death. For generations, Cobalts and other quote lesser races have toiled in the kingdom's minds for subs. See, that's the quote. The quote. That's how they get you. It's insidious. Lesser. I mean. It's a fucking kobold. It's a kobold. Have you been it? When was the last time you had to hang out with a Kobold?

[Josh]

Never.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, dude. So when I was a kid, this is the last time I had to hang out with a fucking Kobold.

[Josh]

Okay.

[Duncan Trussell]

I was going to visit my father after my parents divorce. And you know, he couldn't afford a Pegasus flight for me. So I had to take a caravan. And I end up sitting in a goddamn wagon next to a cobalt. Hammered. Hammered on that shitty booze they drink. It's made out of like those owl pellets with bones in it. And they ferment that and piss and they mix it up with wasp stingers and then they just. It's so stinksies. Hammered. You can't understand what they're saying. Half the time they will piss into the caravan. They don't piss. At least stand up and piss off the wagon, dude. You know, and he fell asleep on me. Piece of. I mean, I'm sorry. Like, I want every being in the kingdom and everything to be happy. Blah, blah, blah, blah. But dude, like, I guess the Kobolds should like also become nobles. It's the kind of shit they would like. The latest decree is being called the Blood for coin edict by the striking workers. I'll do it in Kobold voice. Blood for coin. Blood for coin. The king and his noble lords sit in their gilded towers counting the gold that we dig with our claws, said Yix, a Kobold union organizer. His voice echo Just. You know what? All right then there's Lots of other fucking kingdoms to go to. Lots of other mithril mines. I'm sure you're going to get treated great in Friendax. Go to Vrindax. They love kobolds. Go to Vrindax. Those mithril mines are great. You're going to have fun there. They demand more mithril for their wars and palaces. But it is our lives that pay them. Their lifespan's like what, 12 years? They see us as disposable. We strike today to show them our lives are valued and our neighbor will not be indested. The mines owner is. A powerful consortium of dwarven lords with a deep connection to King Galfrond's court have condemned the strike as an illegal act of treason. They've already called upon the king's guards to break the picket lines. And there are unconfirmed whispers of scabs being hired from goblin warrens. Why are you calling it a scab? Let's give the goblin some work. I mean, if you can get a goblin to work, then let him work. I'm a little curious.

[Josh]

You can't call goblins lazy, man.

[Duncan Trussell]

I was. I mean, that's not what I was saying. I'm not saying they're lazy. Does it sound like that's what I was saying? I'm just saying if you can get them to work, they're great workers. Get them to work. I mean, I've heard you could do it. I've heard you could teach hummingbirds to talk too. Solidarity protests are beginning to bubble up in the smithing districts of the capital as artisans and common laborers recognize the familiar sting of the crown's. I hate this shit. The familiar sting of the crown's boots and the insatiable greed of the ownership class. It's called the nobility. It's not the ownership class. It's the nobility. It's pure bloodlines. This isn't just about mithril. It's a desperate struggle for the very soul and safety of the working folk against a callous, profit driven monarchy. You know what? It wasn't that long ago that a scribe would write this shit. And it's like, to the gallows. To the fucking gallows. And this speaks to our wonderful king's mercy. Which do. I think the mercy of King Galfron makes sense. It might be. My only criticism of our great king is how merciful he is to the scribes. What are your thoughts on that, Josh? The king's mercy towards the scribes.

[Josh]

I think the king just does it because he knows he wants the scribes to like him, and he's gonna, you know, move in that direction when he can.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, so you think it's. You think it's 4D chess?

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, there we go. See, this is why I don't. This is why I don't. Sometimes I get really dismayed. Look at Jordan M. Hail Throth, the true king of scribes.

[Josh]

Wow.

[Duncan Trussell]

Self ban for the rest of your fucking life. Throth. Hail Throth, God of the renegades. That's what you want, Jordan M. You want to let the renegades take control. You think that would be fun? To live in a kingdom? Let's just do everything in a new way, says Jordan M. I could figure it out. We'll just do everything new. We'll go against everything that has made our kingdom the most beautiful and powerful kingdom in the land and just rewrite everything. And I could do it. I'm Jordan M. Hail froth. I love the Renegades. I'm sure they love you, Jordan M. Why don't. Why don't you go out in the Belladonna woods, meet a renegade? I'm sure he'll love you, Jordan M. He'll love the way you smell when he's roasting your ass on a spit. Yes, they're cannibals. Yes, the Renegades are cannibals. No, that is not propaganda. The renegades are cannibals. The Renegades eat the flesh of the nobility, and they will eat your ass. Literally, Jordan M. And maybe in your last moments, in one of their boiling pots, you can go, hail Throth. They'll laugh. They'll laugh at you, and then they will eat you alive.

[Josh]

What if we just took the good parts from Throth?

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay, so let me ask you. What's the good part of a sandwich?

[Josh]

The top of the bread.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, that's been on the go ahead.

[Josh]

No, the top of the bread. That's not on the.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay, great. Then. You know what? Next time I'm here, I'm gonna. I'm gonna make it. Put a turd in a sandwich, and you can eat the top of the bread.

[Josh]

You try to make me do that before.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, I did. To make a point. Go. I'm gonna shit in a sandwich. You could eat the top of the bread.

[Josh]

I don't like brioche.

[Duncan Trussell]

Hail Throth. Go ahead. Nope. You've made a pact. We're gonna follow through with it. I'm starting to understand why you might be cursed. You're a pact breaker. So, yeah, I'm Gonna shit on a bun. And you can eat the top of the bread. Nice wet diarrhea shit too. Soak it through a little gravy for you. So open minded little gravy for the open minded cursed one. Now I'll show you. And again, like I. I think I do veer more to. To the side of the warriors. But this is an example of bias from the scribes. You know, I was, I wasn't always leaning towards the, the warriors, I'll tell you that. King's Edict fortifies borders Shuts down Unregulated Elf Wood Imports to protect Kingdom's loggers In a decisive move to protect the Kingdom's economic sovereignty and preserve its cultural heritage, King Galfrond today signed the Eldoria First Lumber Edict, effectively halting the flood of cheap untaxed lumber from the whispering Elfwood. The executive order is being held as a long overdue victory for the honest hard working loggers and artisans of the realm whose livelihoods have been decimated by unfair competition. Now, you know, again, like I do agree with this edict. But that being said, not all loggers are honest. You know, I've met a few shitty loggers. So I think, you know, this is the way this kind of, you know, Kingdom propaganda will creep in. You know, it's not unbiased. For years the Elven trading syndicates have exploited ancient lopsided packs to dump their magically grown lumber into the Kingdom's markets, undercutting local human and dwarven logging guilds. This has led to widespread unemployment in the timber rich provinces of the north. That is true. And a decline in traditional Eldorian carpentry. The best carpentry by the way, replaced by flimsy elven goods. Now there you go. Flimsy elven goods. Yes, I've had cheap Elven bullshit. It does tend to break. And I don't have a lot of complaints about Eldorian carpentry. But that being said, there's Eldorian carpenters in my family. My father in law was an Eldorian carpenter. But that being said, are all Elven goods flimsy? No. The elves, they, you know, they can make some pretty good stuff. But critics in the royal court, primarily magic users from the Wizard Spire who favor open realm policies, have argued the move will increase costs for enchanting components and scroll making. However, supporters of the King of Fire back stating that a small price increase is well worth paying to ensure the nation's self sufficiency and to stop the erosion of its foundational industries. And traditional values that it's hard to disagree with that. The edict, they argue, is a necessary step to reclaim Eldoria's strength and put its own citizens above foreign interests. So, you know, it slants both ways, which is why I prefer to go to non biased scribes. Otherwise you could get a little confused. Drummer Corey is asking, where do the hobgoblins fit into this economy? They've been pushed out of every economy. Listen, man, I'm friends with some hobgoblins and I, you know, I don't want to seem anti hobgoblin, but, you know, I think they could make more of an effort to speak our language here, you know, that's all. You know, you're in Eldoria, like speak Eldorian. You know, the, the way that hobgoblins talk is like, it's just unnerving, especially at night. And it calls cats, which is weird. No one understands that. But you know, no offense, I love cats, but I don't like 30 cats. So you start hearing that clicking thrumming of a hobgoblin and then there's cats everywhere. It's fucking weird. Freaks out my kids. My kid's allergic to cats, so it'd be nice if they spoke Aldorian. But we don't say that. B3 at Hobgoblins are pretty much gypsies. We won't say that. Hobgoblins are travelers. They travel in caravans and, you know, they make great food. I'll eat a hobgoblin stew. They're funny, you know, but you're in Eldoria. You're in Eldoria. Learn aldorian. Lowe's knows July 4th savings are worth celebrating. Get up to 40% off select major.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Appliances and get an additional 10% off.

[Duncan Trussell]

Two or more select major appliances. Hurry. These July 4th deals won't last long. Lowes we help you save.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Valid through 7 9.

[Duncan Trussell]

Selection variable by location while supplies last.

[Ryan Seacrest]

See Lowes.com for more details.

[Duncan Trussell]

Visit your nearby Lowe's on Colorado street in Kennewick.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. It's Oral Care month, which means you can earn four times points on all your favorite oral care brands. Now through July 15, shop in store or online for items like Colgate Toothpaste, Listerine Mouthwash, Crest Mouthwash or toothpaste. Sensodyne Toothpaste, hello, toothpaste or gum flossers and earn four times points. Points can be redeemed for future discounts on Gas or groceries. Offer ends July 15. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.

[Duncan Trussell]

Wow. Thank you. Cody Cole is saying I look fantastic. Keep up the good work. Well, I must tell you, this is because I've been taking the droughts of Ozempic. Thank you for that. And also a tremendous thank you to the Clerics Guild creating this brand new drought. It's incredible. You know, one of my curses, of course, was the curse of the sugar. And it's my fault. I went into a fairy circle. Not supposed to do that. And it was a full moon and a fairy appeared and damn. Like, damn. Let me just say that was the most exquisite fairy I'd ever seen in my life. And no, they're not tiny. Some of them can expand to the size of a human. And I just could not say no. And a lot of people say, well, that's why you don't go in the circles. They're magical. They lure you in. But like, this was a 10, way out of my league. And, you know, when I came out of that fairy circle, years had passed. I gained 30 pounds. I had to pee like all night long. Like, it basically was a fountain of piss. And I, you know, and I felt, what are you going to say? Everyone says, yeah, if you decide to bang a fairy, go in the fairy circle, you're going to. It's going to fuck you up, you're going to gain weight, you're going to have to sleep all the time. They've drained your energy. It's not worth it.

[Josh]

But isn't it?

[Duncan Trussell]

It's hard for me to say it wasn't. I mean, we are talking like, fairy squirt is so sweet and they are squirters and they just. It's like the closest thing I can compare it to is like, imagine being in a tavern and someone's just pouring mead into your mouth. Just pouring and pouring while they're blowing you. That's what it's like to fuck a fairy. And, yeah, gained a bunch of weight. Got the curse of the sugars and this Ozempic drought. This potion is a miracle. It's one of the new miracle potions. It's out right now. And, you know, it seems to have not completely eradicated the curse. They say that this is a perma curse. Maybe not. The elves are working apparently on potentially something that could eradicate the curse completely. But yeah, I mean, my A1C is almost normal now. So, you know, there are good potions out there and I just want to say this, a lot of people get real judgy because people who don't have the Curse of the Sugars are using this potion. And the way I see it is there's all kinds of curses out there. Just because they didn't fuck a fairy doesn't mean that they shouldn't have access to the potion. They make plenty of it. I think anyone who has any kind of curse, Curse of Bloating, Curse of the Swollen Curse of the Night King, a lot of people have that, you know. And blaming someone with the Swollen Curse of the Night King and saying, well, why did you eat the Night King's garbage? Is like. Now they're finding out that the Night King's garbage has a hypnotic spell on it that actually once you eat one piece of the Night King's garbage, it could rewire your brain completely. And so it's not like they actually have control that people think they have over eating the Night King's garbage, which is delicious, by the way. Some people can eat the Night King's garbage. Some people can just eat one slice of Night King soil. Some people have to eat the whole fucking patty, you know? So I think anybody using this potion should. I think the potions should be accessible for everybody. I guess that's where I kind of veer more towards the. I hate to say it, the Renegades, like I do think some potions should be. Should not cost gold. I will say that.

[Josh]

But don't your bones start to wilt after a while?

[Duncan Trussell]

Your eyeballs can fall out from the potion, but that is very rare. Any other questions, guys, regarding the news or anything you want to talk about? Got to get out of here in a second. Eagle. Condor is asking, did you see Now? Okay, I didn't see anything confirming Taylor Swift is a vampire. I've seen the connection between her and Xena lavey. I met Zena Lave. She ain't Taylor Swift. Look up Taylor Swift. Dragons tmz. All right, hang on. Hold on a second. I'm not going to. I don't like that scribe. I have a better one. Let me see. I do go to a nobility rag. The immortal melody is beloved Bard Taylor Swift, a creature of the night. Luthien, the city of silver strings. An unsettling theory whispered for years in the shadow back alleys of the bard at colleges has erupted into the public sphere, casting a dark pall over the world's most celebrated songstress. A controversial new scroll, penned by the occult investigator and former music critic Zhang Helsing, presents a chilling Case that the beloved bard Taylor Swift is not merely a gifted mortal, but an ancient vampire. The scroll, titled the Blank Parchment points to the Bard's impossibly long and consistently successful career as its primary evidence. She's talented. No mere mortal can remain at the apex of musical influence for a century. Van Kelsing writes, Styles change, voices wither. He's such a fucking bitch. And yet Taylor Swift's. I mean, I am grateful to the work he did in defeating actual vampires. It's. It just feels like he's kind of like. Ever since the Clerics Guild cast the sunlight spell into the tombs of the kingdom, there's been no more vampires. So now he's going after the bards. Styles change, voices wither. And yet Swift's power only grows. She does not age. She merely enters new eras, shedding old skin like a serpent, her face a timeless porcelain mask. Someone's got a crush. Furthermore, the scroll analyzes the bard's extensive discography, reframing her famous ballads of love and loss as something sinister. Van Kelsen posits that the long list of spurn lovers and rivals in her songs are not really artistic muses, but a meticulously documented list of past victims and thralls, their life force and stories consumed to fuel her eternal youth and creative power. Her recent project of re recording her old album is presented not as an act of artistic integrity, but as a vampire reclaiming ancient domains and reasserting her dark influence over past territories. Dude, I'm sorry. I mean, it's like, I think I have bards I like. Taylor Switch is not my favorite bard, but I don't buy into the. I do think we have defeated the vampires. I don't think there are no more vampires. There were. They're gone. So, I don't know. Just feels like kind of like misinformation. Seems like a warped scroll. It doesn't seem real. And, yeah, it seems like jealousy. Thank you, Al. Like, it seems like he's got a crush. And I know he was spurned by her. I know that firsthand. Like, apparently they went on a date and she thought he was a dick, which he is. He brought the stake that he drove into the heart of the Vampire Lord to their first date. Like, gross. Nobody wants to see that. Like, we know what you did. Relax. So I don't think she's a vampire. You know, she's nobility. She is nobility. She's. What's the name of that duke? She's. What's the name of that duke? She's Hopping around with Kelsey. Yeah, Duke Kelsey. You know, I mean, look, I mean, I think people say it seems weird that a bard is with a duke. You know, dukes aren't exactly, like, artistic. And apparently Duke Kelsey has a problem reading. But, I mean, we don't need our dukes to read. We need them to lead, not read. So. Yeah, I don't know. I think. I also. I don't think Duke Kelsey is gonna. Why would Duke Kelce. Like, why would Duke Kelsey carry on with a vampire? I mean, the implication of that would be that, like, the vampires are, like, trying to gain control of the kingdom again. I don't think that's happening. Not to be a. Not to rain on your paranoid parade, but, yeah. Any other questions out there? We got to wrap this thing up. As we start winding down, I do want to say. I want to say I hope you all enjoy the fourth of July. It represents more than just fireworks. It represents all the great warriors, knights, clerics, warlocks, sorcerers, scribes who overthrew the cruel reign of Lord Danvis, who had the courage to do what no one thought could happen. You know, we were once. We were once a loosely incorporated group of city states, and we became a united kingdom because of what they did and the people who followed after. And whereas other kingdoms to this day have kings that do not carry the people in their heart, as testament to these great clerics, sorcerers, warlocks, scribes, and even bards of the past, we have King Gelfron, the great, noble king. And it makes me happy to know that Gelfron is at the helm. Gelfron, who recently was not afraid to send magic missiles far over the sea. We thought that would awake the sleeping dragon. And some say. Why do you think it isn't awake? Why do you think it won't wake up, actually? What the fuck are you thinking? You think dragons just wake up at once like people do? They take sometimes decades to wake. I think that's just the kind of talk that renegades like to spread, especially during the fourth of July, so that we don't enjoy the incredible pyrotechnics of the sorcerers that will fill our beautiful skies. And so I want to say to all of you out there on the front lines of magical, metaphysical, hyperdimensional, interstellar, solar, galactic, and dream wars, especially those of you right now who are fighting in the dream realm of the Nightmare Whisperer, my heart is with you. Thank you for all that you do. Thank you for your service. And to the renegades, well, let's just say I've got some information that didn't come from one of these bullshit scribes. Things are about to change in the kingdom. So maybe you better get your last bowls of nobility flesh and fill your putrid bellies with the flesh of your own species and head on out. Find yourself a nice deep mithril mine to climb into. Go down there and have your dark orgies and spread your lies in some other kingdom. Because your time has come. Happy 4th of July to all of you. Long live the King.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and safeway now through July 15th. Stock up on all your favorite personal care brands and earn four times points to use on later purchases. For discounts on groceries or gas, shop in store or online for items like Pantene Shampoo, Old Spice, Total Body Deodorant, Tampax Pearl Venus Razors, Head and Shoulder Shampoo, Olay Body Wash and Pantene conditioner and earn 4 times points. Hurry before these deals are gone. Offer ends July 15th. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.

[Happy Head]

There's a myth. A lot of us grow up believing that hair loss is just a part of life. It happens, it runs in the family and once it starts, there's no stopping it. But here's the truth that's outdated thinking. Scientific understanding of hair loss has advanced in recent years. Today we have a deeper knowledge of underlying causes and we've developed science backed solutions that are both effective and safe. And that's at the very root of Happy Head. Dermatologists led innovation offering stronger FDA approved ingredients that work. But what really sets Happy Head apart is how personalized it is. They don't do one size fits all fixes. You fill out a kitchen comprehensive consultation and their board certified dermatologists assign a formula specifically for your hair loss pattern, goals and lifestyle. And whether you're early in your journey or more advanced, Happy Head offers targeted options that actually work. Topical treatments, oral capsules or potent dual action bundles, all delivered directly to you, discreetly and freshly compounded. In the US most people start seeing results in three to six months. But the real magic? It's sustainable. This isn't just about growing hair, it's about keeping it long term. So no, hair loss isn't inevitable anymore. Visit happyhead.com and find out what's possible when science, expertise and personalization come together. Hair happiness starts here.