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Duncan Trussell
Welcome to you, it's me, D. Tru Cell, and you are listening or watching the Douglas Trussell Family Hour podcast, the podcast that the United nations calls the potentially only way to world peace in this fractured age. I want to thank the United nations so much for inviting me to be a non official member nation. I will not be part of the United Nations. And the reason is simple. The name itself implies there are nations. The name itself chains the world to an outdated paradigm, a conceptualization of planetary interdependency that allows for hierarchical, generally patriarchal power structures to exploit labor to juice what's left of humanity for its life energy. It's even worse than classic vampirism because at least in classic vampirism you got a handsome vampire sucking on your juggler vein. In this case you have a decentralized, centralized, modular, ambiguous, difficult to identify, squishy amoeba like liminal egregore feasting on humanity itself. Don't go calling me a communist. All forms of identification that single out this or that which benefit something up the chain from you. The whole reason that we have to have a fucking United Nations. You want to know why there's a right? Because there's a left. You want to know why there's a left? Because there's a right. So what is the answer? I have no idea. That's the truth. Honestly. I wasn't invited to join the United Nations. I just said that. That was a lie. That was misinformation. I don't know anyone who works at the United nations and I'm honestly unclear about what it is exactly, other than it appears to be some form of United nations situation. I do look at the people in suits when they talk and I feel a general uneasy sense of things. I wonder if they actually reflect what people are like. Pretty sure that's not what we're like, all stiff and fucked up in a stupid suit yapping about bullshit. I'm pretty sure most of us aren't like worrying over diamond mines. Pretty sure most of us aren't worried about rare minerals. Pretty sure most of us aren't like worried about getting high tech satellites to monitor our people. But hey, most of us I guess, are dumb. Is that what they think people? Look, our job isn't to figure out the big picture anyway, is it? Is that the job? Figure out the big picture? Jesus Christ, isn't that another trap? If there is some liminal egregore, for the sake of this podcast, we won't call it Satan, let's just call it Old Smokey, if there is some liminal egregore that lives in the interconnected, in between spaces, in between people, isn't just another of its brilliant trickeries to get us, the individual, to actually think we're gonna come up with some world peace plan? Isn't that the idea? Because the moment you start thinking about a world peace plan, you're already an idiot. I mean, it's just, it's a fool. It's like me thinking I'm gonna put up drywall. It's like me thinking I'm gonna like do some kind of construction job at my house. It's not gonna happen. I mean, some part of me thinks if I go on YouTube and look up how to put up drywall, rent a truck, theoretically, I think I could put up drywall. I watched the videos. Some asshole, some lady with a sledgehammer smashes her wall in and then it cuts to like a beautiful wood paneled wall. Some asshole goes in their bathroom, smashes up the tiles, cuts to like a beautiful set of brand new tiles. You see the in between, it looks fun. You get a little, I don't know, sticky shit and glue and slap down some new tiles that you got at home, dep. How hard can that be? But I know that if I began to engage with any of those activities within 10 to 15 minutes, I would have done something so wrong that wasn't in the videos. Something you're supposed to know before you start putting tile down, something that they felt like. We don't need to mention the lithogran prayer you're supposed to say. Tentacles will start sprouting up from my bad tile work. Or some kind of greenish mist will emerge. I'll go blind, the family will go blind, the house will burn down. We'll all get possessed. So similarly, you're not going to do though. You're not going to come up with some general plan for world fucking peace. It's not going to happen. That doesn't mean that world peace is impossible. It just means that probably most of us are. We're too dumb individually. It's not going to happen. And if we're going to use the idea of Old Smoky an egregore, it's got lots of different names. It shows up in all the world mythologies. Old Smoky Buddha's about to get enlightened. Old Smokey appears and freaks him out. Jesus. Out in the desert, Old Smokey appears, freaks him out. Old Smokey shows up. It's the initiation. Now I don't want to get all Gnostic on your ass. But I think it's safe to say if we're going to believe in God, some divine source principle, then everything's downstream from that. So old Smokey is an appendage of God. It's like the final exam in some fucking weird ass class. So first, it's probably a good idea to understand how does the exam work? As above, so below. It doesn't just show up when you're about to get enlightened. It shows up when you're feeling that boiling, bubbling, dark thing inside of you right before you do something stupid, right before you do your stupid thing that always leads to stupid results. That's a mini version of it. You're not about to get enlightened or anything, but you're definitely about to make an ass of yourself at the office party. You're definitely about to try to like, I don't know, flex your biceps or something in front of your boss. You're definitely about to like, I don't know, glaze somebody. You want to like you. You're definitely about to do something dumb. You can always feel it. There's a preceding feeling and then boom, you embarrass yourself. And then after you embarrass yourself, the exact same shit happens. That always happens. The room gets quiet. People shrug. You get that sense of like, man, it seems like people don't like me. It's not they don't like you. It's just like whatever the weird habitual behavior pattern is that you got locked into probably over multiple incarnations, is just doing its old thing like some poor maladapted beetle spraying stink into everybody's eyes. So the contemplation of world peace is what we're talking about here today, Fred. So you gotta, like, talk about it. It's important. We need it. We should try to get it in the next few months. And why? That's the first question? Well, the first question is, is it even fucking possible? And then before that it's like, well, what's your definition of world peace? So first the obvious. I'm gonna set the bar pretty low for world peace, which will be no wars. We're just gonna go there. Low. Low fucking bar. I think there's probably better versions of world peace. No people murdering each other, no stealing. The lion lays down with a lamb, which really would kind of disrupt the biome. If you think about it, there'd be the problem with a lion laying down with the lamb that we hear about is it's like, okay, so number one, when I see videos of lions. They're not even hunting lambs. They're eating gazelle. So how did this fucking lion even get around your stupid lamb? Like, maybe your problem is you got lions on your lamb farm. Maybe you shouldn't have that. Why are there lions? Why isn't there a fence? I don't know. It's rare to see wild lambs. I guess this was a problem back in the day. There was lions and shepherds and shit. And a lion would just eat your fucking lamb. That's what they were talking about. But let's just say the lion lays down with a gazelle, that's going to be a problem. The lion I'm going to think is sick. The gazelle is not going to feel relaxed and you're going to end up with way too many gazelle. And then disease outbreaks and essentially like, what's going to happen? Somebody's going to have to go out there and kill the gazelle anyway. Or kill the lions who are now starving. Or what, you go out and like feed them vegetarian food. I don't understand. So we're not talking about that version of world peace swords into plowshares. I don't know about that either. I mean, decorative swords are pretty cool. We all know that. We all know in a recent study by Harvard University, the top three things that women are looking for when they go to your house are a decorative sword. That's number one, top of the list. 100% of women say that they want a man with a decorative sword. And if they had their preference, the decorative sword would be sharp, not like one of those fake ass decorative swords. They want a razor sharp samurai style sword. So I think it would be a shame to disrupt the human mating process by getting rid of the number one way that men attract women across the planet, which is a cool ass decorative sword. Ladies fucking love it. They get wet. Ladies out there, I bet even right now hear me talk about decorative swords. You're just like, just picturing that first date, you go to some dude's house. Yeah. You notice that they appear to have a limited edition Pokemon PlayStation. Like how do they even get that? Or maybe you notice that they've got that cool fallout. Pip boy, you are going to notice their comic book collection. You're going to notice that is that like photo albums filled with magic. The gathering cards. Well organized, well taken care of. And that's going to get you kind of like, oh my God. I don't want to get excited if I think this is the one but then you look around. No decorative sort. You're like, ah, fuck, fuck. Oh, he's so close. But when those things combine, it is lightning in a bottle and then love making. Will it sue? Honestly, look, I don't. You know, as a guy, the last thing a lady needs is, like, more guys mansplaining to them. You guys got it all figured out. You don't need any help. We all understand that. But I do. Just on behalf of all men, I think you guys need to relax a little bit when you see that decorative sword. Because I have friends who have been basically savaged by women, and they weren't into humping that night. They just wanted to hang out, maybe play some Baldur's Gate, show you some builds they're working on on their characters, and then you're just, like, face sitting them. And how do you say no? How do you consent when somebody's smothering you? You can't. And you confuse their tap outs with, like, they're enjoying it. So just, you know, I think it would be nice to sort of. Look, I get it that we're talking about primordial forces here. We're talking about the very same forces that cause the planets to coalesce. We're talking about the very same forces that caused the particles floating to combine, to clump, to grow, to expand, to gain mass, to create gravity, to inevitably create the planet that we're all living on. When you see that decorative sword, it's like being sucked into the river of your ancestors. You are about to make life. I get it. But you just have to hold for a moment and say, do you mind if I ride you like Jesus riding a donkey? Do you mind if I ride you like Jesus on Palm Sunday riding that donkey? Do you mind if I ride you into the gates of paradise? And then if they say no, you're gonna just go take, like, go to splash cold water on your face. You know, most ladies, you have manners, and we all appreciate that. Listen, I'm not gonna get into the whole trauma trap. Everyone loves talking about trauma and all that bullshit, but. And I've been in therapy, but I remember the first time it happened to me. 4. First time it happened to me, like, we're talking, like, this woman was so exquisite. She was a Russian. I will not name names, but she was a famous Russian ballerina. She was in town. She liked my podcast. And, you know, I get the DM slid into my DMs. That's cool. I'm like, yeah, sure, you can come over But I did say, hey, but we're just going to. In those days, I was not playing. I don't think Baldur's Gate had come out then. I think I was playing cyberpunk and I was having problems. I'm like, look, you can come over and help me with cyberpunk. This is early gen cyberpunk. It had a lot of glitches. I'm like, but I'm not going to be paying much attention to you. I'm kind of into the game. But you're welcome to come over. And she's like, thank you so much. I'd love to come over. I mean, we're talking. This is like, this is the, like, let's just say this is the lady that broke Putin's heart. I'll leave it at that. And so, yeah, she comes over, open the door. Hey, welcome. Come on in. Do you want some tap water? And she scans the apartment, notices my unopened Magic the Gathering cards. Because I just ordered a box set and I was saving opening them for when my ketamine dealer got more ketamine. And then, damn it, she looked up and saw that sword and just. This is a ballerina. So this isn't like your standard lady. This is a woman who could easily crush watermelons between her thighs. This is a woman who like, probably, if you see those videos where they use the, I don't know, trash compressors and stuff, my kids love watching that. Uh, this is, I, I imagine that she could probably, I'm not saying she could make a diamond out of coal, but like, she could definitely, I think, fuse metal. I don't know, I'm not being hyperbolic like ballerinas having, like, they're just incredibly strong. Their thigh strength is unprecedented. And so she also. They can jump, they leap, they pirouette. And it was just. I didn't even know it hit me, man. I just was like standing and then the next thing I know, she's just riding my face. I want to thank Squarespace for supporting this episode of the dtfh. Not just that, I want to thank them for creating my online home. Duncan trussell.com of course they didn't create it. They just gave me the tools to create it. An ever evolving toolbox, like something you might find in a wizard's palace. A set of tools that gets better and better and better. It feels like almost every month they've got some kind of new amazing thing. They were always amazing, but now they're mind blowingly pre singularity level amazing. Meaning that they have AI that will help you design a website. It was already easy, but now a super intelligence can hang out with you while you put your website together. Sure, maybe you know about aesthetics, color palettes. Maybe you know how to do all that stuff because you went to art school or you're a genius, or you're one of those lucky few got some kind of concussion that rearranged your brain in a way that you see things differently, like the accountant. But I'm not. I'll tell you what I know. I know sometimes if I wear black shirts with jeans, it seems to look good. That's pretty much it for me. That's why having an AI help me design a website is incredible. Makes it easy and fun. And I've tested them out. I revisit Squarespace every once in a while just to make sure that my longest sponsor is keeping up with the times. And every time, I'm blown away. Building a website doesn't have to be some dreadful slog through some dark swamp. Squarespace makes it fun and empowering. It's not just that you can use AI to help you build a website. Yeah, that's cool. But they've got everything. You want to create a members only area. You want to create paywalls. You want to make it so that you could sell whatever it is you might be making. You want to put your socials up there. Anything you need, they got it. And it's easy. It's not a struggle. Good news. You could try it out for free. Go to squarespace.com Duncan try it out. You'll see that I am not leading you astray. When you're ready to launch, use offer code Duncan to get 10% off your first order of a website or a domain. And if you want real proof, go to duncan trussell.com and gaze upon that sweet, simple beauty. It's like looking at something that fell out of a ufo, only it's a website. It thrums and throbs with the power of the gods. To quote Franklin Ebert, website critic, Again, it's Duncan trussell.com but most importantly, squarespace.com Duncan try it out for free. Use offer code Duncan to get 10% off your first order of a website or a domain. And I did say it like that. I did lower my voice and like I couldn't breathe. But ballerinas, they can actually, and I'm not going to use the queef word, I hate that word. But they can channel air down through their circulatory system, through their nether Regions that is just air, not like body, like, I don't know, gastric, whatever comes from a queef. I guess you could argue that is air. But the point is it's very pure, clean air. Like when you get oxygen at the hospital and they can alter it, the type of air. So she was changing the molecular structure of the qi ft, I guess we'll call it, which is a Russian term for ballerina air, into nitrous oxide, essentially sedating me. Now, I love nitrous, don't get me wrong. And I've never been opposed to someone riding my face. But I also love consent friends, and that wasn't there. Was there like very pure nitrous oxide coming out of this beautiful ballerinas nether regions, did there appear to be mixed in with the nitrous oxide? A kind of like minty flavor, reminded me a little bit of like really fancy gum. Yeah. So could I breathe? Did I have to like even do the thing where I pull my head to the side and gasp for air? No. And was the nitrous soothing me? Calming me? Was the nitrous sort of opening up what appeared to be, I don't know, a portal within which I could see the grand fabric of time and space. I could see the ballerina was not an individual, but an appendage of infinity, sent to me to teach me the interconnected nature of all things. Yes, within the incredible grid that appeared around me, almost a kind of glowing honeycomb of light. Did I see my past lives? Did I see my ancestors? Did it all make sense for a brief moment, all of it a kind of grand and beautiful experiment conducted by an invisible architect within which we are all participating, within which we all must find a way to alchemize love from all phenomena. And much like the bee gathers pollen to turn it into honey, we gather disparate phenomena and convert that into love. At our very best, we offer that to those around us in any way that we can. And from that, over time, it will open up our entire species to a brand new consciousness. And that this process has been going on throughout the universe for an inconceivable amount of time for reasons that maybe we can't quite understand yet. Yes, I did see that. And did she squirt right away? Yes, right away. And is squirt pee? I don't care. But this wasn't. Whatever this was, was like imagine, imagine an ancient forest. Now imagine part of that ancient forest, like a grove. Pure, clean the air, the air, like air that isn't even on the planet anymore. Like the air of the ancients, I guess you could say. Which is the. Actually, that's the air freshener I use in my car. Air of the ancients. It smells great. I mean, at first it makes your eyes water. It's really powerful. And like, I don't buy into this shit that it's got a neurotoxin in it that I read on one of my car forums. But it reminded me, it's like, think of the air of the ancients, not the air freshener. Like what the air freshener is based on. I'm assuming that it's based on like this is what ancient air used to be like. And now imagine in this magical grove, a spring bubbling up from moss covered stones. Imagine the sound of that water, playful, almost like the laughing of the gnome folk. And imagine the taste of that grove water, refreshing in a way that you've never experienced before. You could feel your atoms vibrating with every sip. This is the water that the druids drank prior to rituals. This is the water of healing, the water of life. The water of life. And she squirted that into me and into my mouth, into my nose. And I really believe in ancient times humans could breathe underwater, that we weren't cast out of the ocean. I think the ocean is the Garden of Eden in the Bible and that we were cast from the ocean onto land. So this is like that time in the Garden of Eden when Adam swam through the garden, breathing the water, clean and pure. I knew this by the way. It wasn't like I just thought this as I was laying there, like I knew it. The water tells a story. The water holds data and energy. And I knew it. I could see Adam and Eve swimming through coral reefs, swimming towards underwater fruit trees. And I saw the serpent, the leviathan. I saw that trickster. And then she clamped her leg so hard on my head that I think normally it would have smashed my skull and my brains would have sprayed out all over my apartment, but this is a professional. This is a ballerina. So she knew exactly the amount of pressure to exert to keep my brains from shooting out of my head. Like that horrible video I saw, the guy getting run over by a tank. And that pressure, I think it reconfigured my energy body like I needed it. It was like a chiropractic adjustment or something. Like I fell off my bike when I was a kid and woke up in the hospital and I guess there was still some residual damage there. But it didn't just fix my skull, it Fixed my soul. So she healed me. She healed me, but I didn't consent. I did not consent to this. And when she had used herself completely on me, when she had squirted and moaned and squirted and moaned, which felt like a million years somehow, because she's a ballerina, pleasuring me, bending backwards, causing inducing, I guess you could say just multiple orgasms, which I've never even experienced that before. A combination of prostate massage and milking me. Milk, milk, milk. When she was done and leapt off, did a backflip, landed perfectly on her feet, quietly, daintily, and smiled at me. I was crying. I was happy. I was healed. You know, after, when I went to the doctor for a checkup, he said, you've reversed age by 15 years. What did you do? But there was no consent. There was no consent. And I was weeping, and I said, ow, Just get out of here. Get out of my house. And she's like, I healed you. What? My squirt heals? What about the nitras? The queefs? And I said, you think that makes it better? Is that what you say to all the dudes you do this to? You expect me to just ignore what just happened? Go. Maybe things are different in Russia. This is the United States, and we get consent. Go. She slapped me hard. Russian. I'm not going to say what she called me, but especially this month, it's not the kind of word you want to throw around. I will say what she said before the other F word. She said cuck. And then she just stormed out, leaving me to clean it all up. I had to get the couch cleaned, took it to an upholsterer. He said, is this ballerina squirt? I'm like, yeah, so what? He's like, you're so lucky. You know that heals you, right? You know, that shows you the architecture of the universe, you know, that will completely adjust you. Take 15 years off your life, heal you completely, heal your soul, and it goes back 10 generations. Heals your ancestors, karma. Any of them in hell immediately go to heaven? And I said, yeah. And he's like, why do you seem like such a cuck? F word. And I said, because let me tell you, here's the C word. It's called consent. Well, yeah. He said, I'm not gonna. I'm not. Just get out of here. And I'm like, what about my fucking couch, dude? He's like, what about it? What are you gonna do? He was ripped. He was huge. He, like, lifted weights a lot, I guess. Or Whatever. He's like, what are you gonna do? Carry it out of here yourself, you pussy. And he threw me down on that couch. He threw me down on that couch. Now, if you've ever been ridden by an upholsterer, you know what it's like. You know, it's a very different experience than the. Like a ballerina, but there's a lot of similarities. A different mechanism of administering oxygen, I guess you could say. And I. Obviously, it's YouTube. I can't go into great detail here, but I. I will say this. Like, when he exploded, if. I don't know, like, if you've ever taken, like a Super Soaker and shot it into your mouth. You've done that, Josh.
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Josh
No, I haven't done.
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Duncan Trussell
It's dangerous.
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Josh
Yeah.
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Duncan Trussell
Shouldn't. Powerful. Like, imagine if you had gone to the fountain of youth with a Super Soaker, filled it up. It was like that, I guess you could say, just a rocket blast. And, yeah, up until that point, I had scoliosis. And so, you know, I stumble out of there. I'm pissed. I'm weeping now. And I went to my chiropractor, and he's like, this is incredible. This is incredible. Your scoliosis is gone. Like, you don't need me anymore. He's like, did an upholsterer ride your face? Because I've only seen that. And I'm like. I'm like, yeah, he did, but he didn't ask for consent. He just used me, man. Getting passed around from ballerinas to upholsterers around here. What about my heart? He's like, well, based on a conversation I had with your doctor, your heart is reversed age by 15 years. So, yeah, I'm like, it's not about that, man. Where is the age of chivalry? What happened to romance? He slapped me and this, you know what happened? Threw me down on his table.
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Josh
I'm sorry that that happened to you, Duncan.
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Duncan Trussell
Thank you, Josh. It feels good to get it off my chest. I mean, that's what I said to him. Feels good to get this off my chest because the amount of. Again, I can't use the terms, but what. You know, chiropractors, they're. How do we say it? I don't know what you could say on YouTube, but let's say their effluvia is. It's different. It's like molasses. You know, this is another way that they make money, is that they actually are. They freeze dry it and sell little cubes of it, but it's Heavy. It's got a density that doesn't make sense. That's what Stephen Hawking said. It's like the density of a chiropractor's effluvia. Makes no sense. It's just so heavy. It's like. What is it? They vandalized it. It seems to just be the normal kind of. I don't know if you could say jizz on YouTube, but it seems to be the normal kind of spray. Don't know. All I know is that was a rough week for me, but I did reverse age 15 years. My scoliosis was healed, and I was able to sell what the chiropractor deposited on my chest for $200,000. Because it's worth that much. It's hard to get that much. So I was financially restored, spiritually restored, physically restored, but there was a vacuum in me for a long time because of the method. They didn't ask. So please, ladies, please, just remember this story the next time you see that sword mounted on a wall. And just, you know, nine times out of ten, we're gonna be like, sure. Unless we're doing, like, I don't know, like a speed run. If I'm in the middle of a speedrun. No, just wait. But nine times out of ten, a man, even if he doesn't want to. And just so you know, ladies, I know you think we're all, like, horn dogs or whatever, but that is not the case. Just because you're a beautiful ballerina or a strapping upholsterer or whatever, you know, Just because you're way out of my league or whatever, you know, I prioritize other things above sex. That's called growing up. And also, part of growing up is just an attitude of gratitude. An attitude of gratitude. And so many times when I've been used in that way, I don't feel a lot of gratitude. And this is a conversation I've had with my dominatrix. And I'll say to her, where's your gratitude? Why don't you ever thank me for this? And then that's a bad afternoon. She never likes that. And. Ouch. I can barely sit down right now. Josh. Did you see me cry when I sat down when I came in here?
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Josh
I figured that's why you're wearing glasses.
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Duncan Trussell
Yeah. Oh, she fucking knocked me around. It's like, all I want is a little bit of gratitude. And she's like, are you. Oh, the baby wants me to be grateful that I have to change her fucking diaper. And then it's just off to the races and I pay for that shit. Support her, basically. Delete this. If she sees this, she'll. I'm fucked for the next session. Please delete this. You can leave the other stuff. Delete the dominatrix part. She'll fuck me up. I can't do it. I'm an old man now. I don't have the like physical capacity to endure the peggings.
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Josh
Not. Not to. Not to victim blame of what you went through because what you went through was real.
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Duncan Trussell
Here we go.
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Josh
No, I'm just saying maybe you didn't unsheathe your sword so much that wouldn't happen to you.
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Duncan Trussell
Are you really saying that? I mean, are you really saying that you believe that? Oh, so it's on me, huh? Oh, it's my fault because I unsheathed.
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Josh
The sword three times, Duncan, three times.
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Duncan Trussell
Oh, it's my fault because I showed her the one ring to rule them all. Inscription on the sword?
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Josh
Yeah, a little bit.
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Duncan Trussell
Listen, it is you are victim blaming. You are wrong. I don't care, you know, I don't care if I had Luke Skywalker's actual lightsaber like from the actual Star wars universe. I don't care if I had Darth Maul's double lightsaber. Just ask probably if I'm showing you my display sword, I'm interested in you. Probably. But maybe not. Maybe I'm just, you know, think you should see it. But that is never a reason to do that to a man. And you know, I'm sure there's so many gentlemen watching this right now who agree with me, who've gone through this very same thing. We hate it. Nothing a man hates more than that moment of just well groomed scented in the positive trained.
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Josh
You know, people are agreeing with me right now.
- [40:30]
Duncan Trussell
Well, they're wrong, okay? Fundamentally wrong. Anyone who agrees with Josh self ban, he is totally wrong. Now let's get back to world peace, the core of today's episode. You're not gonna get there by yourself. See this messianic bullshit, this is what's causing all the problems. It's not a good look. Anytime anyone tries to go messiah, it's not a good look. There's so many of these little mini messiahs out there trying to save the fucking world all on their own. I'm not gonna list the names. You know, I'm talking about. They're out there, left and right. They're crazy ideas. And it's great to want to save the world, but you're not Doing it alone, and especially if you want the credit and shit. What do you think your muadib? You want to be the Kwisat Haderach? It's not going to happen. Doesn't work like that. This possibility of world peace is real. That's the problem. If only it wasn't. If you believe world peace is possible, you are so fucked. You join a group of the most fucked people ever. Because if you think world peace is possible, meaning there could be a time where children aren't crawling through rubble, where parents aren't holding the bodies of their young, where smoke doesn't rise from the air, and the kids have no idea what an air raid siren is. If you think that future is possible and you're not doing anything to get us towards that place, then you, my friend, are a real piece of shit. Now, I'm not saying you need to get out there. You're not a piece of shit anymore. I'm. I'm a piece of shit. There's so many. Unless fucking being addicted to Baldur's Gate stops all wars. I don't think it does. God, that'd be great if there was some direct connection to Baldur's Gate and the end of all war. Holy shit. Ah, that'd be great. I guess if everyone on the planet was playing Baldur's Gate, there wouldn't be any more war, but I don't think that's gonna happen. I shouldn't have called this a piece of shit, because that's me talking to me. It just creates a little bit of sand in the oyster, doesn't it? You don't get to, like, be some, you know, passive bitch if you think that, like. I'm not saying I was being a passive bitch when I got this, with the story I just told, but, yeah, sure, maybe it would have been nice if I participated, even though standard consent wasn't issued. Maybe it would have been nice if I did more than writhe around and moan. Are we really gonna let old Smokey ride our faces into the apocalypse? Are we gonna lay on the couch of time with some liminal, initiatory egregore face fucking us while we writhe around like little bitches? Is that how we're gonna go out? Gonna believe the stories? Buy into the fashionable cynicism, skepticism, or accelerationism being preached at us by people who look like they have no testosterone or vegetables in their body? I don't think so. There's got to be another way. Gotta ask the question, at least. What could I be doing that I'm not. There's gotta be something I could be doing right now. Other than writhing around moaning. Yeah, she didn't ask consent, but she's a human. There's probably something I could be doing. But what? Now that they've proven there is no such thing as a clitoris. You know that's not true. You should read my book, the Myth of the Clitoris. It's a lie formulated by the CIA.
- [45:08]
Josh
There's that one group that helps with world peace a lot that I've been following and I. Isis, they call it the CFR Council on Foreign Relations.
- [45:18]
Duncan Trussell
Oh, they're great.
- [45:19]
Josh
They're great.
- [45:20]
Duncan Trussell
Not as good as isis.
- [45:21]
Josh
No, but I really like crickets now. I eat a lot of crickets.
- [45:25]
Duncan Trussell
They're delicious. Yes, high protein. My kids only eat crickets.
- [45:29]
Josh
I only save in fiat. And then I don't let my kids and my wife drive fiat currency.
- [45:34]
Duncan Trussell
I thought you.
- [45:35]
Josh
No assets, just fiat currency.
- [45:37]
Duncan Trussell
Well, I am trying to save up for an actual fiat. Oh, I wanna ask you this though. Cause this is a problem that I've been having is crickets. Don't shut the fuck up. How do you get them quiet?
- [45:54]
Josh
I buy them dead.
- [45:56]
Duncan Trussell
Oh, you're see. To each their own. I guess. I love my kids though. So I have a cricket farm. I keep the crickets in the house and they are so loud. I mean, it's like. It's crazy. We can't even have a conversation in the house anymore. Cause the crickets are so loud. And when you're cooking crickets, the other crickets that I guess see that you're cooking, their friends, they get louder. And so it's just been like. I don't know what to do. We have to go outside to talk. And I'm not going to put the crickets outside because they taste different when they've been in the Texas sun. And they die out there.
- [46:37]
Josh
That's where I get mine. I wait till they fumigate and then when all the crickets are dead, I sweep them up.
- [46:41]
Duncan Trussell
Dude, you're gonna get. That is really bad. That's got. Those are poison crickets. You need fresh crickets.
- [46:46]
Josh
I'm using seed oil, so, I mean.
- [46:47]
Duncan Trussell
It doesn't really matter, man, we need to talk after this. You're going to get sick. Like, that's really. You should not be. I'll give you some of my crickets. We have so much right now. We have a surplus of crickets at the house.
- [46:59]
Josh
I would love that.
- [47:00]
Duncan Trussell
I'd be happy to get rid of Them. Happy to. I'll bring it next time. But they suck. I mean, personality wise, crickets suck. They just won't shut the fuck up. They're loud, shrill skull. It's really like, really dis. I was hoping for a kind of like, you know, at night you're in the country and you hear the crickets. It's soothing. But when they're in a box, they don't sound like that. It's a totally different sound. Like a scream. It sounds like it's like the scream you would expect from something, I don't know, captured by an ancient super intelligence that was definitely going to eat them. It's like they have some sense that you're going to eat them. And it's this pathetic whale screaming against the world, screaming into the void, screaming at the unfairness of the situation. All they want to do is, you know, rub their stupid legs together. Fuck, they don't want to get eaten. But what am I supposed to do, you know? You want world peace, I want world peace. But I'm not including crickets in that. Like, I'm going to start with my biome, okay? And then we'll get to the other biomes. Maybe that's a flaw in my argument. But if we, like, if I try to make peace. No one's going to make peace with the fucking crickets. The new AI translation of what they're saying is fucked up. They're assholes. Like they are fucking eugenicist, genocidal pieces of shit. Like, listen to what any standard cricket says. Even when they're happy, you're out in the country listening to crickets and you think it's like what they're saying is nice. It is not nice at all. They're recommending a mass surveillance state. They're anti AI. I don't know how they found out about that. They're saying the only way to contend with AI is exactly what people like Nick Bostrom have been saying. Mass surveillance at an unprecedented level to prevent an inevitable horrific apocalypse, when AI inevitably falls into the hands of someone who has the, you know, basic tech to bioengineer some brand new disease. So they're just saying most of the time, panopticon. Panopticon. It's the only way. It's the only way. Panopticon. Fuck them. Fuck them. I love using them for bait. I hope a cricket's listening. I love it. I love it. I throw the fish back. That's what I like. I like getting in the boat. I take out my cricket Put that baby on the hook. Sometimes I'll even say to it, so, what were you saying again? And then I toss it in and then it gets eaten by a fish and then I throw the fish back. So it's like, really, I'm just like, feeding crickets to fish. I'm not really fishing. I don't call it fishing anyway. I call it feeding the fish with a hook. Now, I want to read something to you guys. And what I just did is I seeded your consciousness. What I said might have sounded like some kind of rambling bullshit, but what I just did was I seeded your consciousness. You don't realize that I used a variety of techniques that I learned in the CIA to seed your consciousness with several basic ideas. It will grow into an idea tree. Some of you, you might have barren, dry soil. Some of you have very fertile soil. And this is going to grow into an idea. And so the way that I did it was, of course wrapped up in probably the most erotic, sexy, hot story you ever heard. But within that story is a reminder that you are infinitely more powerful than you have been led to believe that your number one mission in the world is to connect with your heart chakra, to get out of your head. Find that space that in Buddhism we call bodhicitta, the awakened mind space. You don't have to. You won't keep it going forever, but just, you gotta swim through the muck of all the things you've been ignoring. You have to feel all soft and vulnerable and mushy. Nobody wants to feel that. All of us want to be strong. Everybody wants to be strong and not feel. But you're going to have to do that. And you connect to that space which is essentially the core of your being. And then your job, in your own way, is to spread that to people around you in honest, authentic ways that have no agenda to make someone else better. Shut the fuck up. Don't do that. So that idea will grow into your mind in your own way. It'll come in a dream. I don't know how it'll work for you. And then you're going to realize that not only are you far more powerful than you thought, but you are co creating the universe with God that you have been invited not just to sit on the sidelines and watch old Bob Ross, creator of Time Space, slap out some bullshit on a canvas while he mutters ancient scriptures and mantras. This episode of the DTFH is brought to you by my friends at Bluechew. Now, you all know me and you Know my podcast. I am a sophisticated, mature adult. I could read some of the suggestions that they've offered here for me. An Ivy Leaguer, someone who used to be a professor at Harvard. Yeah, sure. I could say, you ever tried to tuck in a submarine? I could say that. I could say I've been kicked out of four museums for carrying a loaded sculpture. I could say that. I could say sometimes I take a Blue Chew to make standing in line easier. Something to lean on. But I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to degrade my podcast. I'm not going to degrade you with this low brow humor related to one of my favorite substances on the planet. I'm a sophisticated man. I'm a sophisticated man and I love it when it feels like Elon Musk is about to launch a missile out of my zipper. I'm a mature adult, so I don't do those kinds of jokes. And, you know, I don't want to seem judgmental, but one thing I do love about BlueChew is it makes my penis feel like a gavel. A gavel of justice, A throbbing hammer slamming down nails of pleasure. I don't know who wrote these terrible jokes. They should be ashamed of themselves. They should be ashamed of themselves. I'm not going to sink to that level because to me, sex. I love sex as much as I like baseball. And Bluechew makes it so that my cock feels like a baseball bat smacking a home run every time, baby. Yeah, dicks. I love it. Listen, let's face it, I'm in my 50s, man. I need bluechew. I don't want them to ever stop sponsoring me. I love chomping those babies down because I know what's coming me out of my rock hard cum blaster. See, that's sophisticated jokes. Bluechew. I'm happy to write for you. Hmm. Bluechew. It's for sophisticated men. Or if you like that kind of humor, I guess it doesn't matter at all. It doesn't matter at all because no matter what you chomp on a Bluechew tablet. You know what one of my favorite movies is? There Will Be Blood. It's incredible to watch one of those phallic oil derricks explode with oil. So when I take up Bluechew, I feel like I'm starring. And there will be come and we've got a special deal for our listeners. As always, get your first month of Blue Chew free. Just use promo code Duncan at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. That's it. Join BlueChew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. They want you to be hard. They want you to be hard, not your Life. Head to BlueChew.com for details and safety info. And big thanks to BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast. Thank you, BlueChew. But in fact, you've been invited to step up to the old time space canvas and slap out your own art. You get to co create the universe with God. Yeah, sure. Sounds like bullshit until you explore it. You know how crazy that is? Getting invited into the art studio of the architect of all things? You know how nuts that is? I don't deserve it. You say I'm a pathetic little mewling piece of shit. That's what I have to say to my dominatrix? No. If you were here, there's something incredibly amazing about you, or you wouldn't be here. Trust me. You'd be just space rock drifting through some bullshit nebula. If you're here in a human body, whoo, you did some. I mean, either you did something incredible or like, your daddy got you in here. Maybe that does happen from time to time. But either way, you're here.
- [57:34]
Josh
So I don't mean to interrupt, but Spacey gray just gave 30 memberships total.
- [57:40]
Duncan Trussell
Why? That's what I'm talking about. Space Gray? Are you kidding me? Thank you so much for that, for supporting our community. It's people like Spacey Gray, my friends. People like Spacey Gray plan seeds in timespace. They're not afraid to step up to the divine canvas, pick up a paintbrush and start slapping out memberships, distributing them happily, like Johnny. Membership seed seeding YouTube. With all these memberships, meaning you 30 people will get commercial free episodes of the DTFH, access to these live feeds, and I don't know what else. Something good, I hope. Special emojis. But most importantly, 30 people become part of the grand plan towards world peace. Because, friends, we know a few things. We know that in the Bible, the Book of Revelations talks about the great beast. 666 talks about the dragon, the great beast. Now, I'm not saying in any way, shape or form that Mr. Beast is connected to the Book of Revelations. In fact, I find his content quite entertaining. My children love him. I'd actually love to meet him one day. But to quote William Shakespeare, life is but a stage, and we are all just players on it. When we play a part, we play a part. Sometimes the part we play has to be that of protagonist and antagonist. Now, you decide who is Who? If you think Mr. Beast is the protagonist in this play, well, then you're self banned for 700 years, maybe more. Be like Spacey Gray. Understand that yours truly must bear the weight of being the protagonist in this tragic comedy. I must bear the weight of what the silver Andrew told me regarding Mr. Beast. I must bear the weight of gathering that many memberships. What's Mr. Beast at now? Go ahead and read the number, Josh. I won't be upset, though it will make me. It will make my undergun twitch. I have no doubt Mr.
- [60:26]
Josh
Beast is at, and this is just for one channel. 410 million.
- [60:33]
Duncan Trussell
Dear God in heaven. And that's the world we live in, friends. That's the world we live in. We live in a world where. What are we at now, Josh?
- [60:45]
Josh
154,000.
- [60:47]
Duncan Trussell
We live in a world where I have 154. And Mr. Beast. Tell me, what does Mr. Beast have again? I must have misheard you.
- [60:56]
Josh
410 million.
- [61:04]
Duncan Trussell
Mr. Beast has 410 million. So you know the job. And I'm sure when. When the Lord came to Noah. Excuse me. I'm sure when the Lord came to Noah and said, Noah, build an ark. You're a drunk. But I want you to get out there, build yourself up an ark. Put all the animals in this thing. Flood is coming. I'm sure that old drunk old man said, I can't do that. I could barely get out of bed without shitting myself. I'm so hammered on. On liquor. Pre flood liquor drunk, hemorrhoids flaring. And the Lord said, I know you can do it. We're going to build that ark. All the animals will come. Too bad too. Up in that ark. You'll figure it out. You'll figure it out. Noah said, what do you mean I'll figure it out? Look at me. I just ate two cheese pizzas at 3am washed it down with beer. How the hell am I gonna build a boat? I haven't had a bath in three weeks. My phone got disconnected. They had phones back then. Cause I couldn't pay my bill. And the Lord said, I'm gonna tell you how. I'll give you the details, the architectural plans. You're gonna build the damn ark. I don't want any more out of you. So you know the rest of the story. Built a boat. And all the animals came, two by two. Except the unicorns and the dinosaurs. All kinds of other shitty creatures. Thought they were too fancy for that ark. They looked at it. Took one look. Those unicorns took one look I'm not getting on that boat. That ain't for a unicorn. Where's my perfume wardrobe? People don't know that unicorns used to love to perfume their horns. Lubricate them horns too. You can connect the dots. What they were doing to the poor farmers back then. God help you if you bent down to plant a seed now. In the same way I bear that very powerful weight, I bear the weight of a mission that you can all help. You can all help. Is world peace possible? Yes. But one thing that is standing in the way, and we all know this for sure, is the pyramid. Wow. While all of us do our best day to day, day to day, while all of us get out of bed, force some oatmeal down our old chapped lips, get in the car, get to work, get the diapers changed. The pyramid stand, the Pyramid of Giza. Like a middle finger erupting from the Egyptian desert, mocking every single one of us that tries to be a good dad, good mom, good worker out there. That pyramid drives me wild. To think it's still there drives me wild. And we all know where Mr. Beast extracts his power from. We all know what those things are for. Those pyramids send dark energy to Mr. Beast. They give him the energy to make the superlative content he puts out in mass. And energy cannot be created or destroyed. Friends, for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. As long as Mr. Beast suckles at the teats of the pyramid, all that world energy that could go to the project A World Peace gets sucked into that YouTube feed. That's the difference between me and Mr. Beast. Once I get that many subscribers, I promise you, my dear children, I'm going to distribute that energy. I'm not gonna keep it all for myself, my wife. Not gonna keep it all to make mazes, to put farmers in, humiliate them. I'm not gonna use it to heal blind people. I'm not gonna use to heal, heal people, to do all the other philanthrop, whatever you call it, works that he does. Prancing around, helping those in need, I'm gonna use that money to blow up the Pyramid of Giza. That's the first step. Gonna blow it up, fill it up with Coca Cola, core it out, drill it out, fill it up with Coca Cola, drop in them Mentos and kaboom. But not just that. I have put in calls to you too. Bono will be playing while we blow up that pyramid. Potentially. We're still in contract negotiations. One love, one light. Getting done in something in the Middle of the night. He's gonna be playing soulful, beautiful music. Everyone will be gathered. I have tight. I have titanium nets on order. I just need the funding, and I can't get there with the membership numbers that I have right now.
- [66:43]
Josh
Well, Spacey Gray just gave another 10.
- [66:45]
Duncan Trussell
10 more from Spacey Gray and I will raise you up in the armies of peace once I destroy that pyramid. After that, I will move on to other megalithic structures. And finally, I am going to challenge Mr. Beast to a Jenga competition at Stonehenge. Gonna use the. Not just the Stonehenge, the Stonehenge blasphemies. Whatever the fuck those things are that the hippies go out to see. We're gonna go to Gobleki Tepe. We're gonna gather those ancient stones. They don't need to be there anymore. No one knows what they're for. Now apologize. The good Dr. Graham Hancock. I do love his work, but come on, we. We're over it now. It's time to say goodbye to whatever. Who gives a What they were there for. Who cares? Stones, stone, some silly savage scattered on the ground. I don't care anymore that I care for the scatterings of banana peel at the zoo that the monkey throws down. I don't look at banana peels that monkeys scatter about and say, what does it mean? Any more than I look at Gobleka Tepe and think, what could that possibly mean? I don't look out of my yard, the scatterings of my poodle and think, what did it mean by the poop patterns? Any more than I look at the pyramids and say, what could it have meant? I tell you what it is. It's the devil's teats. It's the devil's teeth, and we're gonna get rid of them.
- [68:20]
Ryan Seacrest
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- [68:50]
Unknown
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- [69:22]
Duncan Trussell
Going to get world peace. And it's people like you, Spacey. It's people like you that feel the call. It's people like you who hear that invisible drum beat, barely audible until you catch that tick tock a tick a toka tick a tock of the little drummer boy playing for Jesus. One of my favorite Christmas songs. Couldn't afford a gift for the baby Jesus and he played that drum and that baby smiled at him. Smile from the baby Jesus is what you got today, Spacey. Smile from the baby Jesus. I want to wrap it up now for the podcast part. Then I'll take some questions for my dear listeners. For everyone out there, thank you for participating, for joining me in this journey. Thank you. You're part of a family, a community that stretches out beyond time and space itself. Every time you, you listen, every time you subscribe, every time you like, you bring us one step closer to our pyramid free world. And you could call me a fool just like they probably called old drunk Noah, say, you ain't gonna build a boat. You just shit your pants. You ain't gonna build a boat. You got diarrhea in your beard. So I'm used to the, I'm used to it. I'm used to it, just like Noah. And I know you're saying, well, you never get permission for the Egyptian government to blow up one of the wonders of the world. Let's just say I would have got the permission not from some world government, but from the one great leader of all things, the king of kings. And when the king of kings says, you could blow up the pyramids, you can blow him up. That being said, I want to thank the Egyptian government. We are in talks, pre talks, I guess you could say. They'll call me back soon, come blow them up. Pyramid free world is possible. I said that to my oldest child just the other day, said, daddy, Daddy, do you really think one day there'll be no pyramids? I said, son, son, you awake one morning and there will be no more pyramids. And you'll feel it. You'll know it. I won't even have to show it. You'll know it right away by the way you feel that morning you wake up brand new, refreshed in a way you've never experienced. Old Mr. Beast, he'll be weeping underneath a thorn tree, won't it? With his lunchables in hand, chomping and chewing. Oh, half of these feastables, not lunchables. I'm sorry I said that. Feastables, of course, on the. They're actually pretty good. When you're hot, you'll be munching on them feastables under a thorn tree while we all dance around the scattered rubble of them pyramids with Bono. Don't be afraid to dream. Don't let them take that from you. We'll see you next week. Until then, God bless you, Hare Krishna. I'll take the question like, is there anything else I need to say?
- [73:06]
Josh
Yeah. So people think that you got hair plugs and that your hair looks great.
- [73:13]
Duncan Trussell
Hair plugs? Well, let me show you what happened. You're right, I got earplugs. But unfortunately, the. They didn't. I couldn't afford to fill in this. You see that?
- [73:32]
Josh
They see it.
- [73:34]
Duncan Trussell
You see that bald spot? You think I have fucking earplugs? I got the worst kind of bald, man. I got a mild receding hair. Look at this. Wouldn't that be the first thing I plugged in? The reason I shaved this fucking thing is because the bald spot there, I got this misshapen bald spot, man. And from the front, it kind of looks like I have hair. Great. Now we're gonna say I got fucking hair plugs. Great. So what now? Now I have to shave my head.
- [74:09]
Josh
They don't want you to shave your head.
- [74:12]
Duncan Trussell
Oh, you don't like the shape of my bald ass head?
- [74:14]
Josh
No, I'm fine with it. They.
- [74:16]
Duncan Trussell
No, I wasn't talking to. I was talking to them. So you guys don't like my bald bear head? Wow, you sound like my kids. They don't like it either. Well, look, I do like it like this. I just have to be the dude with the fucking shitty crop circle bald spot. I'll do it for you guys. Thank you. Me no mi. How much time do we have? Josh, I know you got a heart out here. We still got another 15mino me. Souls are made from living plasma consciousness mantids and grays have hijacked the afterlife and mind wipe souls after humans die. I mean, yeah, trust me, I just saw that on CNN today. They were talking about that spacey gray, our new patron, oak. Is that true? What? Emo lame is joining sleep. What? That's fucking cool. I hope that's true. I don't know. I have no idea one way or the other. I hope you guys enjoyed this one. You know, I tried to give it a little bit more structure. I realized that if I'm going to do like for the audio stream the way I've been doing, it just doesn't work. So I needed to do a full rant because I got to put like a solo episode up on the audio stream this week. But Johnny Pemberton is going to be joining us on Wednesday, which is always exciting. I don't know why. I've ever since I smelled burnt toast, my mouth has been doing that every once in a while. Isn't that weird? I think my wife burnt toast or something. Don't know what that is. It's weird. You guys are the best. I love you so much. And thank you again, Spacey Gray, for spreading those memberships around. Thank you for joining us. Thank you for subscribing. Thank you for supporting us, supporting our sponsors. Most importantly, thank you for helping me free the world of those hideous fucking things out there. The worst shape is a pyramid. Hate it. Would have been happy if it was a rectangle or something. Cube. Cube. See, I can't. I'm crying. I'm getting choked up. I look at an office building, I'm like, damn, that looks good. Why couldn't they just do that? A nice cube cylinder rectangle. Why they have to do a pyramid? You guys are the best. God bless you. Until next week, or actually two days from now. I'll see if Johnny will let us go live. Hare Krishna.
- [77:17]
Ryan Seacrest
Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and safeway now through July 15th. Stock up on all your favorite personal care brands and earn four times points to use on later purchases. For discounts on groceries or gas, shop in store or online for items like Pantene Shampoo, Old Spice, Total Body Deodorant, Tampax Pearl Venus Razors, Head and Shoulder Shampoo, Olay Body Wash and Pantene conditioner and earn 4 times points. Hurry before these deals are gone. Offer ends July 15th. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.
- [77:46]
Unknown
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