711: Old Man DARPA Dog Race

Summary

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Duncan Trussell Family Hour #711: “Old Man DARPA Dog Race”

Date: September 14, 2025
Host: Duncan Trussell
Co-host/Producer: Josh
Episode Theme:
A characteristic blend of existential comedy, social commentary, and surreal storytelling, this episode delves into global anxieties (from world leaders’ mortality-fueled power games to nuclear dread), wades deep into the weirdness of AI and occult-adjacent “Pyramid Tapes,” and celebrates new beginnings with the announcement of Duncan’s fourth child. There’s commentary on generational divides, current events, UFOs, and the catharsis of video games, all wrapped in Duncan’s unique philosophical madness.

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Main Topics & Key Segments

1. Cold War Dread & World Leaders’ Mortality Complex

[00:00–07:12]

• Duncan opens with a sardonic riff on living a few milliseconds ahead, time travel, and nuclear apocalypse paranoia (“I would have liked to hug my kids, kiss my wife, but, you know, dims the breaks…” [01:23]).
• Critical lampooning of world leaders: aging, out-of-touch, power-addicted “old men” at the controls (“Old men who desperately want to live forever.” — Josh, [02:21]).
• Riff on how current global tensions can trigger paralyzing, ‘blood-boiling’ anger in ordinary people: “You, you eat with your kids, they’re so beautiful… they don’t know that a weird-looking old Russian dude and a weird old American president and a bunch of other withered-up old Europeans are just sitting around right now thinking, do we roll the dice on getting rid of the atmosphere of the planet?” [03:45].

Notable Moment:

• Fantasizes resolving international disputes by foot race among world leaders — spiced up with DARPA robot dogs (“Put them all in there and put some of those DARPA dogs in the back… whoever makes it out, then, okay, it’s over.” [05:50]).

2. Realization: Power, Death, & the Hindu Lion God

[07:12–14:48]

• Commentary on the urge among leaders for immortality (organ transplants, the grotesque desire to cheat death).
• Tells the story of “Danny” from Hindu myth (standing on his toes for 125 years, ultimately killed in a “loophole-bypassing” way), to illustrate: no matter how much power, wealth, or scientific advancement, death comes for all (“...it doesn't matter how important you are... you're going to die.” [13:30]).
• Considers the impending future of “Frankenstein” presidents, sewn together from corporate/military interests—possibly literally, with transplanted organs.

3. Personal News: Welcoming Child #4

[14:48–23:02]

• Official announcement: Duncan’s wife is pregnant (“A new Trussell is coming to the world.” [14:49]).
• Candid, comedic monologue on fertility and cancer; details his testicular cancer, post-radiation sperm banking experience, physical changes — in his usual hilarious, self-deprecating manner (“I got one ball… and I’m old as fuck… been irradiated…” [15:20]).
• Relates gratitude for his wife’s “miraculous” baby-making powers, using a series of extended, absurd metaphors about low sperm count (“…it’s like if a frog puked…” [23:04]), culminating in wonder at their expanding family.

Notable Quotes:

• “My wife’s vagina is like a God that can resurrect the dead…” ([21:04])
• “Every time I come, it’s like a cry for help. A message in a bottle.” ([20:27])

4. The Pyramid Tapes: Mystery Deepens

[47:03–67:12]
(Segment begins after some technical fumbles, setup, and tape deck nostalgia)

• Duncan describes receiving an anonymous box of cassette tapes featuring strange music, gospel/spiritual songs, and disturbing, pseudo-mystical rambling; he shares the latest, most unsettling tape.
• The tape’s gospel song quickly veers into a fable about the “Serpent King” — an allegory for control, technology, and societal manipulation (“On some branches he shows them TV… on some branches, that old serpent is turning human beings into machines…” [54:57]).
• Eerie narration continues, talking of soldiers, “orbs of light,” and apocalyptic undertones; listeners attempt to Google lyrics, confirming that these are not traceable (possibly bespoke or AI-generated).
• Later, the tape devolves into nearly pure static, punctuated by odd, esoteric, list-like monologues about snakes, transformation, and ancient wisdom (“Hypnotic dance… 104. They merge with Earth’s soul sinking into the primordial ooze… 108. Camouflage like chameleons, but not because they’re snakes…” [62:47]).
• Duncan reflects on the possibility of stalkerish intent, cult recruitment, or AI origins. He encourages fans to sleuth further via his r/pyramidtapes subreddit.

Notable Moment:

• “That’s where they inevitably creep me the fuck out when they have something on it… gives me a bad feeling. I really don’t like that part.” ([67:17])

5. UFOs, Blob Things, and Congressional Absurdity

[30:07–38:09]

• Plays and analyzes recent (purported) UFO/UAP congressional hearing footage of a Hellfire missile splitting and “blobbing” against a Tic Tac craft.
• Duncan and Josh riff on the surreal bureaucratic language: “Are you aware of anything in the government arsenal that can split a Hellfire missile like this and do whatever blob thing it did?” ([33:40]).
• Satirical run on the strange experience of watching government officials unable to explain high strangeness.

6. Anxiety, Civil Unrest, and Societal Fracture

[38:31–44:35]

• Duncan brings current US political polarization into focus, warning of a culture on the brink: “One little fuck up and it’s civil war or world war...” ([38:31]).
• Critique of sending troops into American cities, cautioning that historical/political cycles will turn, and what’s used “for good” by one will be used “for evil” by another.
• General sense of a stacked, precarious reality, intentionally or otherwise, designed to make people tense.

Notable Quote:

• “Everything is perfectly set for chaos at this point. Almost as though it were intended.” ([41:20])

7. Q&A, Community, and Existential Comedy

[77:57–96:24]

• Listener questions: playful banter about Duncan’s vaping being discovered by his wife (“Are you kidding me? She texts me right now. I can see you, baby.” [79:13]); speculation about life on Mars (“Of course there is… Mars is alive. The planets are living organisms…” [80:02]).
• Riff on generational divides in video gaming: making an example of complaints about Silksong’s difficulty versus enjoying a challenge (“Do you know how my dick gets so hard when I realize that I am playing a game that is brutal. Like, I love it. I love the pain. It fucking hurts.” [87:44]).
• Goof on egg-opening YouTube videos as metaphor for infantilization (“You could just watch these videos instead of leaving negative comments about a game that cost 20 bucks and took what, six years to make?” [87:46]).

8. Operation Beast Blast: The Absurd War on the Pyramids

[96:24–101:16]

• Satirical pseudo-campaign to get more YouTube subscribers than Mr. Beast in order to “blow up the pyramids”—win YouTube, buy (or destroy) the pyramids, and host a giant music festival (“I definitely want to blow up the pyramids 100%. And you can go ahead and fucking clip that if you want to use it wherever you want.” [98:12]).
• Calls for listener “action”—a tongue-in-cheek “Operation Beast Blast”—with recruitment drive and absurdist promises.
• Continues to needle Mr. Beast over gifts of chocolate after Duncan’s diabetes diagnosis (“It was a little bit like sending Gollum the ring of power… I fell asleep.” [99:54]).

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Memorable Quotes

• On Nuclear Anxiety:
  “Dims the breaks, right? …It’d be easy to get blood boilingly angry over the fact that… an old Russian man decided to fly his drones through the airspace of Poland…” — Duncan ([01:23–02:24])

• On Mortality and Power:
  “They know if they die, they can’t keep their power and their stuff.” — Josh ([02:21])

• On “Blob Thing” Government Language:
  “That was a real question. That’s a real… a senator asked someone at this hearing… ‘do you know about something that can do a blob thing’?” — Duncan ([33:45])

• On the Strangeness of the Tapes:
  “…He wants you to think there’s nothing more. Oh, and he is good at his job, children. On some branches he shows them TV… On some, he got them to put their TVs in their pocket. …That old serpent is turning human beings into machines.” — Narrator on Pyramid Tape ([54:54–54:57])

• On Bringing Life Into the World:
  “It’s a beautiful farewell party… to be sort of led out of the universe by a bunch of wild children.” — Duncan ([24:00])

• On Video Game Difficulty and Modern Weakness:
  “This is exactly what’s wrong with society… You want them to patch that game? Is that what you want? Ruin the game so that your trembly little ass can have it easy? Look, a little bear. There’s a bear for you. Nice little bear from a surprise egg. That’s what you need.” — Duncan ([87:44–87:55])

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Timestamps to Key Segments

• [00:00–07:12] – Opening monologue: nuclear dread, leaders’ mortality
• [07:12–14:48] – Hindu myth & commentary on death
• [14:48–23:02] – Announcement: fourth child & cancer journey
• [30:07–38:09] – UFO congressional hearing, the “blob thing”
• [47:03–67:12] – The Pyramid Tapes and their analysis
• [77:57–96:24] – Q&A: vaping, Mars, generational divides/video games
• [96:24–101:16] – Operation Beast Blast: the “war on the pyramids”

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Episode Tone & Style

• Surreal, absurdist, darkly comedic
• Wanders from philosophical to deeply personal and always swerving into weird
• Laced with off-the-cuff jokes, cosmic perspective, and gleeful self-mockery
• Welcomes audience engagement, collaborative sleuthing

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Summary

Duncan Trussell Family Hour #711 gallops between existential dread (nuclear war, the frailty of aging “old men” leaders) and sardonic solutions (foot races with DARPA robot dogs). He breaks up global themes with life-affirming news—celebrating his forthcoming fourth child, despite cancer and a single testicle—with trademark candor and gallows humor.

The second half plunges into the bizarre ongoing mystery of his “Pyramid Tapes”: anonymous, possibly AI-generated cassettes laced with peculiar gospel, snake-worshipping parables, and static-laden, cult-like monologues. Listeners are recruited to investigate via Reddit.

Wrapping up, Duncan wounds the pop-culture discourse around gaming “difficulty” with old-man scorn, floats a joke campaign to out-subscriber Mr. Beast and “blow up the pyramids,” and reaffirms thanks to listeners for letting him do this wild podcasting gig.

For newcomers: This episode exemplifies why Duncan remains beloved—mixing cosmic humor, honest vulnerability, and a boundless taste for the strange and the silly.

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For the Pyramid Tapes, visit: reddit.com/r/pyramidtapes
Notable moments for future research: [54:57–56:31], [62:27–67:09]

Transcript

[Duncan Trussell]

Welcome. Welcome to the DTFH Live. Hello to all of you out there who are watching or will watch in the future or even watching in the past, which technically, if you're watching this, you're watching it in the past. Even if you're in the live feed, you're seeing a millisecond, at least, depending on your Internet speed into the past. So I'm basically a time traveler right now, and I want to say hello to you from the future. It's not so bad over here. A few milliseconds ahead. Nothing terrible has happened yet. The flash of white hot nuclear light has yet to irradiate the city that I'm in, though I am in a basement, meaning there is some chance that should nuclear war break out, as it could at any moment, I wouldn't know it for at least a few seconds, might feel a trembling. And theoretically, theoretically, there is some infinitesimally small chance that I could still maintain an Internet connection post nuclear blast. I don't know. The Internet infrastructure here in Austin, Texas, and my guess is that it, along with every living thing, will be incinerated, melted and fried. But if not, I will continue the broadcast post nuclear blast. I'm sure Austin is on the list of cities to be struck by nuclear missiles, and it's a perfect place to be down here. Josh, I'd be honored to be incinerated with you. Our ashes mixing together, podcasting till the very end. I feel bad for my family. I would have liked to hug my kids, kiss my wife, but, you know, dims the brakes, right? Yeah, dims the brakes. And, you know, listen, it would be very easy to. To be angry right now, I guess, you know, you could probably look at the situation and think to yourself, holy, we're all stuck in a bus. We're in an E bus. We're in an a bus that doesn't have a driver because the driver right now is in some fucking luxurious plush bomb shelter flying way up in the stratosphere in some luxurious plush airplane. Old men. It'd be easy to get angry like, holy shit, we're in a remote controlled bus that's being controlled by old fucking.

[Josh]

Men who desperately want to live forever.

[Duncan Trussell]

Because they know if they die, they can't keep their power and their stuff. And it'd be easy to be mad about that. It'd be easy to be angry about that, to think to yourself, what the fuck are we doing? You know, I could, if I wasn't very careful, get so angry, like, you know, blood boilingly angry. When I consider the fact that, that right now I've got a family. I love doing standup, I love doing my podcast. I like breathing, I like oxygen and the atmosphere. It's nice to have an atmosphere. And it would be really easy to get blood boilingly angry over the fact that, that last night an old man, an old Russian man decided to fly his drones through the airspace of Poland and just sort of fuck it, let's see what happens. Let's fly a bunch of drones through the airspace of Poland. One of them could crash. Maybe things crash all the time. One of them could crash into a building and burn up a bunch of people. And if that happened, there's some probability that World War III would start and no more atmosphere. But you know what?

[Josh]

It, let's see what happens.

[Duncan Trussell]

It'd be easy to get angry about that, you know, in the morning. You, you, you, you, you, you eat with your, your kids. They're so beautiful. They're so sweet. They don't know that, that a, a weird looking old Russian dude and a weird old American president and a bunch of other weird old withered up old Europeans are just sitting around right now thinking, do we roll the dice on getting rid of the atmosphere of the planet all these kids live on?

[Josh]

It'd be easy and bad about that.

[Duncan Trussell]

But the problem is if you got too mad, if everyone got too mad, well, you know, you end up going now Nepalese, I guess. Because, you know, the thing about it is, is like these old fucks, they are one, one. This is the issue, man. They are fundamentally out of shape. I don't think they can run that fast. I don't know, man. Pull up a picture of like Putin and pull up that picture of Putin and Z Xi, you know, when they had that meeting. Putin and Z. Not of Z, Putin of Z. It sounds like a great restaurant. Honestly, I don't think they're gonna, I don't think that. You know what? I'm gonna guess. I think if. Now pull up a picture of Trump. Putin and Z. And Trump. Yeah. I don't know, man. I don't think these guys can run that fast. Just throwing that out there. Pretty sure they, I mean, it'd be cool to have a race. That'd be nice, you know, that'd be nice, you know, settle disputes.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Is a foot race between leaders.

[Duncan Trussell]

That would be beautiful. You know, a nice foot race. Get them all together, you know, unleash. I don't know, just to spice it up a little bit.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Macron might win.

[Duncan Trussell]

Put the, put the Put, put them all in there and put some of those DARPA dogs. Put some of those DARPA dogs in the, in the back and just give them like an hour to run and then unleash the DARPA dogs and then whoever makes it out, then, okay, it's over. So we don't all have to worry about getting incinerated because I don't know those dudes. Like, none of us are probably going to meet those dudes. Are you going to meet. You're never going to meet those guys. Never going to meet those fucking guys. But because of these old pieces of shit, we all have to, like, have some, at the very least, like a mild anxiety. If you're, if you're, you know, if you've got some hormone shit going on, you're not getting enough sleep, then you're probably overly anxious about it, you're like fixating on it and. But no matter what, if you're, you know, if you're on a hike right now, if you're hiking the Appalachian Trail, you're. You don't know what's going on, you feel great. But if you're in the cities, you know, if you're in the world, you're probably slightly aware of this. And if you think about it too much, it does just turn your stomach. Pull up that thing. Putin and Z talking about organ transplants. It's fucking great.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

What is it called when all this is happening, but you feel at peace?

[Duncan Trussell]

Enlightenment, my friend. That's called wisdom. That's called wisdom. Or fentanyl. Putin and Z about organ transplants. Donation, not donations. They didn't mention donations. I don't think anyone's donating there. Or two of the leaders there. Turn it out. Yeah. So these guys apparently didn't know their fucking mics are on. And don't you know they're talking about the same bullshit that every other king has talked about since Kings, which is longevity. These old fucks, they know it doesn't matter how big their nuclear arsenal is. It doesn't matter how many conscripts they could summon. It doesn't matter how advanced their military is. It doesn't matter how much money they've siphoned from their people and put of their bank accounts. They're gonna, they are still gonna die. Now pull up Krishna in the lion form. This is most famously illustrated in this incarnation of Vishnu. That's a good one. Now see what you have here. Yeah, I'll just read it, you know, scroll up so I can read it. By performing the rigorous austerity of standing on the tips of his toes for 125 years. World Call him David for the sake of this. David became so powerful that the demigods prayed to Lord Brahma to keep him from destroying the universe. Now this is Hinduism. This is a long time ago. Different scene. I don't know why some dude standing on his toes for 125 years, like if I'm a. If I'm a demigod and I'm seeing that, I'm not going to be like, he's going to destroy the universe. That starts with standing on your toes for over a century. Into destroying the universe due to his austerity, Lord Brahma offered calm. Danny, Danny his heart's desire. Danny requested that he should never die. Lord Brahma explained to him that even he must die. That his life was only 4. That his life was only 4,300,000 times 100,000 times 30 times 12 times 100 times 2 years. They didn't have calculators back then, so Danny demanded that he should never be killed in the day or in the night. And Lord Brahma agreed to this. Danny then requested that he should not die on land or in the air, in the water. To which Lord Brahma agreed. Danny, having received this promise, became very bold and asked that he should not be killed by any man or beast. Lord Brahma agreed. Danny, I wonder if he's still on his toes while he's asking for this. Danny's still not satisfied with the benedictions he'd received from Lord Brahma, then asked for the benediction that he could not be killed by any weapon. To which Lord Brahma also agreed to give Danny his benediction. And then he's like. And then he left. All right, Danny, bye. After receiving these benedictions, Danny became more demonic and began conquering the material universe. With each new victory and increase in his power, the demigods became more and more worried. In time, Danny had a son called Prahlada. Well, let's call him William. William was a great devotee of Lord Krishna, even from birth. As a small. Keep scrolling down. Let's get to the good part. Yeah. So basically God shows up. God stretched Danny across his lap and with his long nails he ripped apart the demon. Danny died instantly on God's blood drenched lap. He was killed neither in the land nor the sea of the air, but on the lap of the supreme Lord. He was killed neither during the day or the night, but in the twilight. He was killed by neither beast nor man, but by God's lotus Hands. He was killed with no weapons but with the nails of God. Thus Danny's benediction from Lord Brahma remained intact, and he was killed by the personification of fear, Krishna himself, in his half man, half lion form. So that, of course, is like a very, very Hindu depiction of you. You can't get out of the mess. No matter. Especially if you're like, putting your fucking suit on and like ordering drone strikes on, on human beings. And it's true for all of them, not just Putin, all of them, no matter who they fucking are, how big and puffed up you are, no matter how important you are, no matter what your popularity polls say, no matter what you've done for the economy or against the economy, none of it matters because you just, you're going to die. And so that when you, when you get older and you're somebody who is like, fully gotten into the like, power position that these presidents get into, it's a little scary when you realize, like, you're just going to die and it doesn't matter. You look down, your ankles are all swollen up, you talk to some doctor like, hey, I have all the money. You can make me live longer, right? And the doctors are like, yeah, maybe in a few years we could start putting different people's organs in you is one final desperate, flailing attempt to stay alive. We could. You know, there's all these like, organs that we've harvested from people that we could maybe put in your body, but it's not going to work. Even if they do, then you're going to get this new Frankenstein style president. That's what's coming. Like, presidents are already fucking creepy. You could argue they are to some degree Frankenstein's in the sense that they are sewn together, amalgams of generally corporate interest. And they sort of shamble through the world. And they do seem monstrous. Like, you know, not quite the bolts in the head, but something about them seems just genuinely creepy. Like all of them, they don't look okay. Like, if they weren't presidents and you ran into them, you would, you would think it was like somebody at a, like when you go to a bar at like 5am, which I haven't done in a long time, but. Or 9am, 9am bar denizens, you know, they kind of look like that. Like somebody that would make sense in a bar at 9am Swollen, sick up, lack of sleep. And th. This, this is so they're already spooky, but soon they're, you're going to see your president and you're going to know that motherfucker has a sp. A spine that was, you know, donated. They don't need any organ donations. They. That's the other crazy thing is, like, anytime they send their soldiers to. To fight and their soldiers get blown up, it's an. It's like stealing organs. You're, like, just blowing up hearts and brains. So it'd be easy to get upset about all that stuff. And for me especially, it's no fun, like, late at night looking at just, you know, the bullshit about Poland that just happened. And now comes my big announcement. My darling, beautiful wife. And I know I mentioned this maybe for a second on a few earlier podcasts, but. Official announcement. A new Trussell is coming to the world.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Congratulations.

[Duncan Trussell]

Thank you, Josh. Thank you. Number four is on the way and they said I couldn't do it. You should see what's going on down there, gang. It ain't great. Let me tell you, it ain't. Ain't fucking great. My. My. My penis looks like somebody took Vladimir Putin, Xi jingping and Trump, and mushed them together.

[Josh]

It's a mess down there, man.

[Duncan Trussell]

And I. I got. I got one ball for those of you who are just joining us. I got one ball, and now. And I'm old as fuck, so. And I've been irradiated, you know, I got her fucking irradiated, dude. Like, I had to. I had to go into a clinic and I had to jerk off into a cup. This episode of the DTFH has been brought to you by my best friends at Blue Chew. Blue Chew. This isn't exactly the age of boners, friends. You ever try to get wet firewood going? Have you ever tried to light a fire in the midst of rain pouring from the sky? Well, that's what we've got going on right now. Cultural rain pouring on our erections. Which is why Blue Chew is our friend. It's the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. Much like Sisyphus. You can waggle your throbbing member at the impending comet flying from deep space. Shake that thing in the direction of whatever it is that's terrifying you. Things might be weird right now, but one thing that's not weird is your beautiful, throbbing, powerful, godlike shaft. Guys, it's not just about performance. It's about legacy. Discover your [e-mail] we've got a special deal for our listeners. As always, get your first month of Bluechew free. Just use promo code Duncan at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. That's it. Join Pluchu's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. Head to BlueChew.com for details and safety info. And big thanks to BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

That's my favorite.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, me too. Yeah, that has nothing to do with what I'm talking about. I did that yesterday. And I guess you wouldn't really call it a clinic, but you know, it's a place that has.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

You put on a clinic.

[Duncan Trussell]

I guess you could say that. Me, my bros. But you know, my comet still tastes good. That's what's beautiful, you know, I mean, I can self report other people don't think so, but having tasted. Here's the thing. I just want to address the haters out there. A lot of people, when they taste my jizz, they're jealous. That's. That's what I get at my. The men's club I go to. You know what I mean? So they'll be like, this, dude, this is up. Like, this does not take. This doesn't even. This tastes like plasticky and plastinated and like, what is some dick? What did, what did Bruce say the other day? He's like, it's. It tastes like, like sour. Sour cottage cheese. And I'm like, okay, okay, Bruce. Yeah. Oh, your jizz tastes just great. Like cinnamon. It's like Bruce's jizz. Everyone universally talks about the way it's just tastes. We all hate it when it's his turn to jerk off in the cup. But my jizz, having tasted it and having self confidence in my own life, it is sweet. It's got a lavender tang to it and with hints of sage. Like, it's nice. Yeah, there's a musk, but I think it's like a healthy musk, you know? Sorry, I got off track. The point is, I have one ball and I had to get one of my balls cut off because I have testicular cancer and. Or had testicular cancer, went to jerk off in a cup at a sperm donation clinic because they told me that after irradiating my lymph nodes that my balls might be barren after that. So if you've ever gotten radiation, it's pretty wild. It's the most insane shit. It really will scramble your brain. It's like the worst amusement park ride of all time. You have to get strapped down into a machine and they put a, A, a cod piece over your dick to keep your balls from getting radiated. And they play horrible music. They don't ask you what music you want to play. It's for the people running the machine. So, like, if you like, just imagine having your legs stretched out on an like, HR Giger style alien death machine with a COD piece on and listening to Mariah Carey. That's what it's like to get radiation thera. So I just want to, number one, salute my remaining ball, because this ball is. It's like if you've ever seen a sci fi movie where, like, a soldier gets marooned on some alien world, that's my ball. And I imagine that testicles I like to imagine are not like. And it's lonely down there in the sack now for. For him. And. And every time I come, it's like a cry for help. A message in a bottle. A genetic message in a bottle that it's sending out into the world that we'll never see or know. Lives in darkness. It sends out these coded messages that my wife's vagina turn into beautiful babies. Because my theory is that my wife's vagina is like, angelic or like, it's. It's like. You know what? It's like a. A God that can resurrect the dead and just does it as just it can do it and you know what I mean? Or it's like, if you've ever seen like, a great artist, they could take anything. Like, you could be like, all right, here's a bowl of, like, ink. Here's some smushed up cockroaches. Here's some worms and a bag of dirt. And a great artist can take those things and create something beautiful out of it. And I think that's what my wife's vagina does with my jizz. It's amazing. I'm not trying to be like, beat myself up, but I like it, technically. It is somehow miraculous that she is. It's. It's like. It's not lead into gold, but it's like cottage cheese and a beautiful baby. Because. Let me. The other thing is, it's not like I'm blasting porn star gouts of jizz. I don't mean to get too detailed here, friends, but, you know, it's like, you ever see like a zombie movie and they go to the gas pumps and they like, they pull the. They go to the gas pump and shake it and just a little tiny drop of gasoline. That's what it's like when I come.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

A dribbler.

[Josh]

I would love to be a dribbler. It's barely that.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's like, it's like. I don't know, man. Like, if. If like If a frog puked, you know, like, a frog just, like, had like a little, like, upchuck, something like akin to that. And yet somehow my wife converts this tiny amount of jizz into these incredibly beautiful babies. So I am. Thank you so much, everybody. I am so happy that my family is growing, and I just can't believe it. I feel like, obviously, all the things you feel when you're gonna have a big family, nervous, like, holy fucking shit. Like, what is. It's already, like chaos in my house. Like, what. What do we do with more chaos? But then that's just the weak part. That's the weak part of me, you know, the weak part of me that wants to curl up in a ball, play silksong all day long, take long naps, blow Rails Academy like I used to, like, you know? But the other part of me is just so thrilled that it's happening. And it's amazing to. There's all these, like. There's all these little things that you forget that go along with pregnancy. Like, remember, like putting your hand on your wife's belly, how that feels, how cool that feels. Like it's a special feeling. You can feel the babies. Not just kicks, but the life energy. Like, you could feel. It's like a. You could feel the energy in there. And you sing. I talk to the baby through her belly sometimes. And it's just all these little things that you. That you remember when it's happening and it feels like a dream or something. But that's the big announcement, friends. We have got trussle number four entering the world. And this means that if we are not annihilated by these stupid old fucks, that theoretically, I'm gonna have a billion grandkids and I will never be free of children. I'm always gonna be crawling with babies. Like, it's the wildest thing, man. It's just the wildest thing. You. You. You just end up with this swarm of life around you when you're on your way out. It's a beautiful farewell party, by the way. You know, I don't mean I'm gonna die soon. I hope not. But we all might. We all might. I don't know, but it's a nice way to be sort of led out of the universe by a bunch of, like, wild children. Sorry, I have a. I'm gonna do something really disgusting right now. God damn it, Bruce, man. It's like when you are pointing the finger, finger at someone. I just came up with this. When you point a finger, there's three Fingers pointing back. Depending on how flexible your thumb is, it could be four if you have a gnarled hand. But I just want to say this, and I don't like talking shit on my podcast, but, Bruce, your jizz is horrible. And it's not. Jizz. Shouldn't have, like, whatever. It shouldn't have, like, literal, like, stringy, ropey things that stick in your teeth in it. You know what I mean? Like, that's not normal. And at my men's club, like, they're like, you know, you sign the fucking paper, man. We have a all. It's very, like, very inclusive, and we include all jizz. And it's like, dude, there's always someone who comes in and fucks it up. You know what I mean? Because a lot of the members right now are like, no way. Like, I can't do it anymore. And I'm just so tired of picking little stringy bits of bruise jizz out of my lips and my butt and teeth. Yeah, I'm. I'm gonna vape. God damn it. It's Australia's fault. It's not my fault. Zen pouches. If you know, this is your fault, actually, Josh, how so? Okay, so. Because I mentioned Zen pouches in Australia to you, you Googled Zen pouches in Australia. Remember that?

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

It was illegal, and you found out it was illegal, which I didn't know. Now, if you had not said anything, I would have brought tons of Zen pouches to Australia, and then you'd be a felon. No, because I. They didn't. They're not looking for Zen pouches. I would have gone right through. Wouldn't have known. And if they did stop me, because there's no. I looked around. There's no sign. You can't have nicotine pouches in Australia. Nothing. So I would have gone right through the gate, and I wouldn't have started this demon habit. Aaron, I hope you're not watching. Phone's broken, too. So she can't call me right now and be like, what are you doing? You can't do that about to have another baby.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

You don't do that when you go to other states or other countries, look up the laws just because, you know, you don't go to jail.

[Duncan Trussell]

Some of us, Josh, we are living life to the fullest. And also, there's an assumption. I'm joking, by the way. You know, people are like, why are you. I'm. If I seem mean to Josh, it's. Do you think it's serious? Don't. I saw that I saw that. I see everything, Josh.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

And I can see auras, so you can't lie to me. I see auras.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

What's my aura?

[Duncan Trussell]

I'm. We'll talk about it. Well, we're not doing the podcast. Okay. Up. So I'm super excited right now. I'm incredibly happy right now, and I just feel really lucky. And this is very cheesy to say this, but for all of you who are letting me have this as my job, thank you so much. You know, when you. When you. When you're bringing new life in the universe and you. You. You sort of, like, scroll through your life and you just, like, feel grateful for everybody, so thank you so much. I just can't believe I get to be a dad. It's nuts that I get to be a dad. I did not think I would get that honor from the universe. So thank you, everybody, all my sweet, dear listeners and subscribers. Thank you. And. Yeah, that's my huge announcement now, Josh, we gotta pull up that UAP footage. Pull up the congressional UAP footage. I hope you guys watch this. There. Yeah. Anna Paulina, Luna. Go. Go to. Yeah, that one. I think we can play this. Can I have a. Ask a parliamentary question of you?

[Congressional Hearing Official]

Yeah, sure.

[Duncan Trussell]

Does this subcommittee have the authority to do subpoenas.

[Congressional Hearing Official]

Task force. So the task force to answer that question has to do.

[Duncan Trussell]

Jump ahead to the UFO video and also usually these. It's got to be in there. This is. God damn it. There it is. There it is. Go back. So just pause it for one second. So you. You know, my. If you've been watching this for any amount of time, my podcast. You know, my take on these hearings is. Is not good. They are generally so annoying and so bureaucratic and so riddled with government speak that none of them makes sense. But a whistleblower leaked this footage of a Reaper drone. I don't know what that is. It sounds cool. Launching a Hellfire missile at one of these Tic Tacs, which is, by the way, just. That alone does not. That's not great, because, like, if we are, like, shooting missiles at whatever the fucking these things are, we'll shoot a missile at anything. And that. That's whoever's up top saying, like, you know what? Fire on that thing. That means they'll. They'll. They will launch nukes. They will. They'll do anything. So go ahead and play this. This is the craziest I've ever seen.

[Congressional Hearing Official]

If you guys can please roll that real quick.

[Duncan Trussell]

So this is them launching a missile at a I don't know what. Some little guy shooting along over the ocean, having some fun looking at fish. I don't know what they're doing. They could be doing anything in there. Bam. And nothing. Nothing.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Did they hit it?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, they hit it.

[Congressional Hearing Official]

This is still rolling, mister.

[Duncan Trussell]

Just keeps going. Real quick.

[Congressional Hearing Official]

Yes or no? Anti.

[Duncan Trussell]

Hey, you know.

[Josh]

What'd you do that for? Man off. Why'd you do that?

[Congressional Hearing Official]

Hey, what the hell? Arsenal that can split a Hellfire missile like this?

[Duncan Trussell]

Go ahead, play it again. Go back and play it again.

[Congressional Hearing Official]

Keep going.

[Duncan Trussell]

Do the blob thing it did. She actually had to say that. It did a blob thing.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

It ricochet.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, it didn't do. Yeah, the missile split in half. Look, let's watch it again.

[Josh]

Having some fun. Wait, the. What the. You, man.

[Duncan Trussell]

I go back and play it again. Play it again.

[Josh]

I'm flying over in the ocean. I love to look at the fishies. I love space. I'm super intelligent. What the. What the. Man, Are you kidding me? What the.

[Duncan Trussell]

Play it again.

[Congressional Hearing Official]

Okay, while this is still rolling.

[Duncan Trussell]

Can you play the game?

[Josh]

It's fun to fly. I love deep space. I can't travel through time. I can evaporate. What the fuck? Are you kidding me? The fuck? Ow. Ow. What was that, man?

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

What's so crazy is how slow the missile looks coming in compared to.

[Josh]

Just doing our thing. I like to be a super intelligent alien being flying over the ocean. Blue. What the.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, and then. Okay, well, now go ahead and play her talking. Now you gotta talk about it.

[Congressional Hearing Official]

Answers. Are you aware of anything in the government, United States government arsenal that can split a Hellfire missile like this?

[Duncan Trussell]

No.

[Congressional Hearing Official]

And do whatever blob thing it didn't. Then keep going.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay, stop. Stop.

[Congressional Hearing Official]

How about you, Chief?

[Duncan Trussell]

Do whatever blob thing it did. That was a real question. That's a real. Guys, this is a real question that I believe a Senate, a senator asked someone at this hearing. She said, are you aware of anything that can split Hellfire missiles and do that blob thing? It did the blob thing. Like, okay, so you're in a. You know, you're asleep. You're having a great. You're. You're dreaming, you know, and in the dream when you start waking up is when in the dream you're watching a congressional hearing and a senator asks a military person if they know about something that can do a blob thing. And then you're like, oh, it's a dream. That's a blob thing. Are you aware, Senator of anything that can do a kind of wiggly wooble and then dribbly and do a little drip trap? Senator, I must ask you, are you aware of anything that can do a kind of flubbery bloop like that and then do a little lul that we don't. We don't have language to even talk about it. Che, you missed it. We're showing the. Show the video one more time. Wait, with audio. I want to hear that. I want to hear. Say it.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Oh, there's audio right now.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay.

[Josh]

I'm fine. Look at that.

[Duncan Trussell]

See, there's a mermaid waving.

[Josh]

Oh, I gotta do my blob thing. Just do the blob thing, man.

[Duncan Trussell]

You'll be fine.

[Congressional Hearing Official]

Okay, while this is still rolling, Mr. Nusitelli, real quick yes or no answers. Are you aware of anything in the government, United States government arsenal that can split a hellfire missile like this?

[Duncan Trussell]

No.

[Congressional Hearing Official]

And do whatever blob thing it didn't? Nothing.

[Duncan Trussell]

Nothing.

[Congressional Hearing Official]

All right, how about you?

[Josh]

Well, we do happen to have new.

[Duncan Trussell]

One sort of vehicle that can do more of a jelly thing, but not really a blob thing. We've been working on the blob thing. It's really difficult to do full blob. So we do not have anything that can do any. Any sort of blob. Blob thing yet. But we're working on it. Blob thing. You know, the. The. The beauty of what's happening right now is incredible. And the fact that was leaked. And also what's really awesome is there is a faction of humans who just as a habit, a matter of habit, try to debunk videos like that. And so already there's people coming out saying, like, that was a drone, but it's like, what? That's a hellfire missile that hit it and split in half. Wobbled the thing, made it go like into some plasma form or reform or something, and it just kept going. Like. It's just incredible that when you see people that. That. That as a. Instinct debunk. Maybe that's just like a genre or something. I don't know.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Well, it seemed like there's like a. Maybe a force field around it, and that's why it, like, kind of blobbed around.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, well, I mean, I. Who know? Who knows? I, like, we shot, like. I saw some analysis of it that. And I want to believe it, which is like, you don't shoot a. Shooting a missile at it. Like, for that to happen, it has to be like a actual threat. But, you know, I don't know.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Too bad Greta Thunberg didn't have one of those.

[Duncan Trussell]

Do you think she really got hit by a drone?

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

I mean, I, I hope not, but that would be crazy.

[Duncan Trussell]

I thought she was dead for a second.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Yeah, me too. The whole thing was on fire.

[Duncan Trussell]

It was just more strangeness. You know, you get a blob thing, uap. Greta Thunberg gets irradiated. We the. No. Well, I guess you could.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

What if she was the next Ferdinand? She's the one that started the whole thing, the war. Because they killed Greta Thunberg.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's. Thank you for saying that. This is what's scary right now is this is, this is the problem right now is there are so many different things going on. And in these things, one little fuck up and it's civil war or world war. Like Trump putting the military in the streets. People on the right, they applaud that. They think that's a good thing. They're like, yeah, cleaning up crime. And somehow they don't realize they, they can't look back at like the history of American politics and see that the pendulum swings from left to right, left to right, left to right, and that. Yeah, okay, great. So Trump puts a lot of the military, the National Guard in the streets and then he's, you know, then it's Newsome becomes the president and now Newsom can put the National Guard in the streets for whatever reason he wants. And you've just given permission for the government to put the National Guard in the streets. No one should be happy about it. You know, this is a matter of policing or states rights. You can't put the military in the streets unless, unless it's like beyond horrific. It has to be like an invasion or something. And so that's the problem is if he does what he's saying, he sends the National Guard to Chicago. And we all, we all know that, like there's a. Plenty of people who are just. There's plenty of mangiones out there, right?

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Oh, yeah, They've been coming out on Twitter like saying like, bring it right? Like in Chicago.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's crazy. Yeah. And they know that they might have to martyr themselves and like, you know, but if they can, like get the National Guard to fire on American citizens. Yeah, that's it.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

It's crazy because just that people go, oh, look at these gang members, thugs saying they're going to fight back. But if they were doing that reverse and it was, let's say they're coming to Texas, what do you see the guy being like? I hope you bring your military over here. And I'm. My militia. That's another militia.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's another militia.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Yep.

[Duncan Trussell]

And so, so white. So you, you have in this situation the on one side of the political spectrum a kind of like celebration of it with very little, like insight into how easy it would be to instigate another shot heard around the world or whatever. You could just start a civil war, Balkanization of the United States. And there's so many people who would love that to happen. So that's fucking terrifying that we have that happening. Then you've got like this happening with Poland and Russia on top of that. Then you got the shit with Cutter happening, you know, and so the stage has been set. It's like, it's. It's like looking. It reminds me of when I'm depressed and stacking. I don't know if you stack, but like where you start stacking shit on a shelf because you don't want to put it away. And it's just a matter of time before you go for the. Whatever it is you want, like a PlayStation controller, a book, and you pull it and the whole stack collapses. Everything is perfectly set for chaos at this point. Almost as though it were intended. Like all of the, all of the propaganda right now is just designed to get people stressed out and tense and freaked out. And it really, it really.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Order through chaos.

[Duncan Trussell]

What?

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Order through chaos.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's the, that's. That's the sort of like conspiracy idea.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Of like, that's what I have in my home. Instead of like live, laugh, love.

[Duncan Trussell]

Order through chaos. We love the beach. Beach house. Order through chaos. Order through chaos. Grandpa's favorite house. Okay, so now moving on, I have something for you all. I'm quite excited about this, so I guess I have to. If we're going to do this as a non separate part of the dtfh, I guess I have to get some of you up to speed on it. I'm assuming not everybody knows about this stuff, but year, like years ago. I'm trying to think of a quick way to summarize this. I'm gonna have to make like a little clip that we play for this segment of the podcast, but for now, you know what, here's what we'll do. We'll make the clip right now and then we could just play this every. Your season, your shot. The NFL season is rolling and every touchdown can bring you closer to a payout with DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL. From first touchdown scorer to any time TD props are the thrill of live in game betting. Every snap is loaded with opportunity. New customers. This one's for you. Bet just $5 and get $200 in bonus bets instantly. Plus score over 200 bucks off NFL Sunday Ticket from YouTube and YouTube TV. Download the DraftKings sportsbook app and use Code Duncan. That's Code Duncan to get $200 in bonus bets instantly when you place your first $5 bet. Plus over $200 off NFL Sunday Ticket from YouTube and YouTube TV in partnership with DraftKings. The crown is yours.

[Josh]

Gambling problem.

[Duncan Trussell]

Call 1-800-GAMBLER in New York. Call 877-8-HOPE NY or text HOPE NY 467-3698. Connecticut help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-78-9777 or visit ccpg.org Please play responsibly on behalf of Boudill Casino and Resort, Kansas 21 +. Age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Fees may apply in Illinois, void. In Ontario, bonus bets expire seven days after issuance. See sportsbook.draftkings.com promos NFL Sunday Ticket offer for new subscribers only and auto renews until canceled. Digital games and commercial use excluded restrictions apply additional NFL Sunday ticket [e-mail] go NFL Sunday tickets terms limited time offer. I just airdropped it to you. Hello. Okay, sorry you guys had to use Suno to generate some background music so we could. Could do this, right? As I. I go through the story of these up tapes, I have, I guess just play that in the background.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Why is it playing?

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, that's okay. It. I got it. You got it? Sorry, you guys. The point is if I. I'm really like now becoming. I'm becoming fascinated with these tapes now. That's okay. Go back to the live feed. It's all right. Josh, I laid that on you last second. It's.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Yeah. Not playing.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's okay. Let me see that feed. Let me see my feed. Okay. Make sure they can hear it. Okay. So years ago, I got a weird box of tapes sent to my house. No return address. And it created like, I don't know, it created a little bit of chaos in my life because my wife was like, what the fuck? Who sent you this? How do they have your address? And I was excited about it and had played one of the tapes and on it was just some. Just very weird shit. And so Aaron told me to throw them away and I. I didn't. I kind of like held on to them and basically ended up storing them here at Josh's studio. We've played a few of them already. If you go to the subreddit pyramid tapes, you can listen to some of the past ones that we've played. One of the problems was I didn't have a good tape player. I have this shitty 4 track that is messed up and wasn't able to just. It's hard to find cassette players. And I am such a procrastinator that I could have ordered one from Amazon. I didn't. But the other day, look what I got, friends. I went to a thrift store and I got lucky and found this old Panasonic RXDX1. And holy, how cool is this CD player? Look at that. An actual Shin CD was in it. I had to explain to my kids what this was and no idea. And check it out, it's got a tape player. So I've picked out one of these tapes for you. I'm gonna play it. I think this is the creepiest of all the tapes that I have thus far digitized. And I like this one because it has an example of what's on a lot of the tapes, which is just like this weird fucking static feedback shit. Let me see if I can find the actual cassette because I brought that to where it is. All right, well, anyway, Josh, is there a way this is. So here's the tape. Is that blood? No, I don't think so. I don't think so. I think it's pain. But I think whatever psycho put this together thought it, you know, I don't know. This is. Again, my theory on the thing is it's a. It's a. Some kind of like sort of psychotic troll. The. The reason that it is particularly, like, freakish to me is it's so many fucking tapes. And I took the box back to my house so that I could digitize some of them. And, you know, I'm. I'm up to my ass in kids right now, so I don't have a lot of time to do this. And it's. But this one, you know, I went through through a few of them. A lot of them are just static. And then I found this, which appears to be some kind of gossip. It's like a gospel album. And, you know, it's kind of long, so maybe we'll skip around a little bit. But I just want you guys to hear this because at first when you hear it, you're like, oh, that's just like a Christian gospel, like tape or something. And, you know, you guys are welcome to do your own research on this. And See if. Like, put the lyrics in. See if you can find what album this came from. I put the lyrics in. I can't find any. Any. I can't find this. But it does sound like it was either recorded from a radio playing this or. I don't know. Anyway, let's listen to this one. It doesn't work. Now I'm going to be so weirded out. Oh, my God. Don't tell. Hold on.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Is it eating the tape?

[Duncan Trussell]

No, I accidentally recorded over some of you. God damn it. Sorry, troll. Hold on. And when you realize that your world.

[Josh]

Is falling all that's left to do.

[Duncan Trussell]

Is spread your wings and fly. Fly on home.

[Josh]

Your father longs to see you Longs.

[Duncan Trussell]

To hear his children's song again.

[Narrator/Voice on Tape]

Don't listen to that serpent for he has no wings to fly.

[Josh]

Turn your ear to your father, my lost friends.

[Duncan Trussell]

Do you hear your father singing through.

[Narrator/Voice on Tape]

The darkness Singing, let me wipe those.

[Duncan Trussell]

Teardrops from your eyes?

[Narrator/Voice on Tape]

And when you realize that your world.

[Josh]

Is falling all that's left to do.

[Duncan Trussell]

Is spread your wings and so that. To me, that just sounds like a basic, you know, gospel song. And I've had this song stuck in my head ever since I played it. It sticks in your head. Which I do not like. Like, I fall asleep with this thing looping in my head. Not good. I'll keep playing it. Do you hear your father singing through the darkness Singing, let me wipe those teardrops from your.

[Narrator/Voice on Tape]

The snake used to fly but his wings were plucked now he can only slither well, he didn't like that at all. And though he couldn't fly, he could still lie so he tricked the world into thinking he was king and to the whole world he did sing. He sang out of me. Bow to me and I will keep.

You safe.

Shield you from the cold hard ground that you will smash upon.

If you ever try to fly from this hair tree down below the cold earth it is littered with the broken bodies of those who did not heed the snake king's laws and the snake King's warnings. Let me clip your hideous wings so you can be just like your king Safe upon my lovely branch of gold the coils of the snake king wrap around new branches every day. He knows that his days are numbered and that old coward doesn't want to die alone. He wants you to think there's just his old tree Wants you to think there's nothing more. Oh, and he is good at his job. Children on some branches he shows them TV on some branches he got them to put their TVs in their pocket. I've seen it. And on some branches.

[Duncan Trussell]

Catches.

[Narrator/Voice on Tape]

That old serpent is turning human beings into machines.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay, what the was that? So, like, that's the part where you're like, what the am I listening to? Like that it goes from, like, seeming like just like a classic, I don't know, old gospel. Seems like it was recorded live somewhere. And then. What the was that? Let me play it again. Just that part, because that's.

[Josh]

That. That's.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's where it starts going off the rails for me at least.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Yeah. People are saying they can't find it on, like, Google. They're trying to find the song, and they can't find it anywhere.

[Duncan Trussell]

Looked everywhere. Play it again.

[Narrator/Voice on Tape]

Wrap around new branches every day. He knows that his days are numbered. And that old coward doesn't want to die alone. He wants you to think there's just his old. Want you to think there's nothing more. Oh, and he is good at his job, children. On some branches he shows them TV. On some branches he got them to put their TVs in their pocket. I've seen it. And on some branches, that old serpent is turning human beings into machines. Put circuits in their brains, poison in their veins. But he can't. And take their wings, children. And so we go to all branches. And we shall continue to go until the tree itself is ripp Asunder. This is what Father asks of us.

[Josh]

What the is it?

[Duncan Trussell]

It's so weird.

[Narrator/Voice on Tape]

Knock, knock, knocking on a rich man's door he don't answer cause he wants to keep his gold he thinks that we are robbers Come to steal away his treasure when the key to that golden prison we do hope they'll turn you away they'll turn you away oh yes, they'll turn you away. There's nothing you can do there's nothing you you can say so shake that gold dust from your feet and head right back down the street. Finding someone wanting to be saved. We'll keep trying Even though their world is dying we'll keep trying till there's no one left to save Our method may seem mad but it ain't half as bad as what they should shall encounter in those days they'll say that they cannot see the soldiers they'll say that they can't see the orbs of light.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay, okay, okay. What the was that? So again? It's like, totally sounds like a tent revival gospel, some Christian music. But what the is that line? They say they can't see they say they won't see the soldiers. They say they can't see the orbs of light. What the, man?

[Josh]

This, that.

[Duncan Trussell]

This is why I don't like with these tapes. And, you know, you got to understand, like, when you're in my shitty studio at night when I have time to do this and that, and you listen.

[Josh]

To that and it's just like, what the am I listening to?

[Duncan Trussell]

Who did this? Who's. Who did this? What is it? I'm googling. Googling. They say they can't see the soldiers, can't see the orbs of light. You're gonna get a lot of online, but it ain't lyrics to a song. Play it again.

[Narrator/Voice on Tape]

We'll keep trying till there's no one left to say Our method may seem mad but it ain't half as bad.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, hold on. Totally, totally kill your egregor. Definitely. Like, in my mind, obviously, I'm like, it's got to be AI the. The. For me, the part that's odd about it is I got these tapes way before suno or so, but it is definitely cross my mind that maybe they had access to some great AI like years ago.

[Narrator/Voice on Tape]

They'll say that they cannot see the soldiers. They'll say that they can and see the orbs of light. They'll say that the sun at last is rising Even while they stumble through the darkest night. But you and I, we too were forsaken we thought that poison was our medicine and then father's children came and out in our. We lucky that we chose to let them in. But you and I, we too were forsaken.

[Duncan Trussell]

I mean, one. One theory I have here is that it's some kind of like, obscure new age cult or something. Like some kind of weird hybrid new age, like, Christian cult album or something, because they're talking about, like, orbs and shit. But also it's got a Christian flavor to it, like a gospel flavor. Okay, so now what you're hearing is on many of the tapes, which is just this for the whole. For what seems like the whole tape. And this one, I. Because of the awesome gospel weird culty at the beginning, I actually went through Fast forward, fast forward, fast forward, fast forward to see if there was any more songs. But I just want you to hear this because this is on a lot of the tapes. It's just this.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

I like to fall asleep to that.

[Duncan Trussell]

I know, Just like white noise. Gary Lee Haskins. I. I have been putting previous ones up. It's Reddit pyramid tapes. And I'm calling them pyramid tapes because on all the tapes. There's some. Inevitably some drawing of a pyramid. Some. Like this one. I don't know if you. It. It's just like little triangles on there, but they all have. Like that. So. So like some of them, it's just like this full tape. I mean, I'm honestly, who knows? Because there could be. In between the static. Sounds like a shortwave radio or something.

[Narrator/Voice on Tape]

100. The sinuous slither of serpentine grace. A dance through realms only they.

[Duncan Trussell]

So there you go. So then suddenly out of the. In the middle of the static. And this is where this. This is where they inevitably creep me the out when they have something on it. Because this is the weirdest ever.

[Narrator/Voice on Tape]

101. Scales that shimmer like. Like the echoes of forgotten dreams in the twilight of. Oh, what were we talking about again? 102. The secrets hissed in riddles. Coded messages from realms not bound by earthly. What's the word? Constraints. 103. Hypnotic dance. It's like, you know that thing when your mind goes off and I can't quite remember. 104. They merge with Earth's soul sinking into the primordial ooze. Or maybe I'm just thinking. 105. Eyes. Yes, eyes that see things we can't. But isn't that the point of eyes? 106. Hisses, whispers of ancient something slipping through the cracks of reason. 107. Earthy sense, primal like the beginning of something. 108. Camouflage like chameleons, but not because they're snakes. 109 Evolutions, architects threading the tapestry of time with their slithery stitches. 110. Ancient wisdom encoded in flickers of 4 tons. Like. 111. Silence like it's hard to explain. 112 constellations. The vastness of. What's that place called again? 113. Ventriloquism in the wilderness. Voices from, you know.

[Duncan Trussell]

Really, really long. 19.

[Narrator/Voice on Tape]

Adaptability. Thriving against places. Snakes or so these eggs. 100125 serpents dance the circle of. Wow, what's that word again? 126. Shedding fear. Embracing serpentine. Serpentitude. 127. It's hard to explain. 128. Shape shifters, like things that shift shapes. 129. Guardians of stuff, maybe. 130 silent watches. Watch it silently. 131.

[Josh]

Venom power.

[Narrator/Voice on Tape]

But what kind of power? 132 vipers striking like a striking thing. 133. Beauty. Danger at a paradox. But not, you know. 43. 120. 120 or so they 125 serpents dance.

[Josh]

The circle of W. What that spring.

[Narrator/Voice on Tape]

Deities worship death something else.

[Josh]

163.

[Narrator/Voice on Tape]

Eyes illusions serpents have got something.

[Duncan Trussell]

So I won't keep wrecking your ears with it.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Feels like my nose is about to bleed or something.

[Josh]

I know, dude. It is so up.

[Duncan Trussell]

It is so up.

[Narrator/Voice on Tape]

It.

[Duncan Trussell]

My. You know, like, it's. It reminds me of like noise music or something. Like, it reminds me of like, God, I'm trying to think of like, I don't know, just some kind of weird noise. But it's up. It gives you a. It gives me a bad feeling. I really don't like that part. And that scared the out of me. Play that again. It's just this.

[Narrator/Voice on Tape]

Illusions Serpents have got something.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's like fast forward here. It just. And that's pretty much the rest of the tape as far as I could tell. I'm not gonna listen the whole thing all the way through, so I just fast forward jump through it and. Yeah, so. I don't know, man. Th. This is one of. Again, like so many of these things and a lot of them. That's all. It's minus the list of what. Whatever the. That was about. Snakes. It's just. Just static.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Have you played it backwards, like any of the songs or anything?

[Duncan Trussell]

See, I have not.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Secret message.

[Duncan Trussell]

I have not. I haven't. Maybe you guys could do that. I. If you go to. If you go to Reddit Pyramid. Pull up Reddit Pyramid tapes. Josh, if you go here, I. I will. The problem is that you gotta. I gotta digitize it, which takes forever. Or I guess we could just grab what we played here and put it on. But. Yeah, you could just go there. No, not Doug and trussell. Go to Reddit.com forward/rpyramid tape. Forward slash. Unless it's gone now. I'm an old man. You know how long it took me to make a subreddit?

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

How long?

[Duncan Trussell]

Too long for you guys here. I'll. It's got to be forward slash r. Josh, it's Reddit.com. this is you and me on the exact same page. What you're doing right now is exact. It's so forward slash R. That's the subreddit you got to do here. I'll just send you the link like that. Oh, no, I'm the same way, man.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Oh, I got you. Here we go.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. Pyramid tapes. Yeah. So there you go. I made that for you guys. So you guys can just go ahead and Chop it up over there. In. In. You know, I don't know. Again, I, I totally like would think this was AI if it didn't come to me years ago. But that being said, I mean, AI's been around for a while. Just. I don't know. So I've no, I don't know what, what it is and I have massive reservations about playing it because I am essentially like signal boosting a stalker type person who, who knew my address. But that being said, people seem to really like it, so that's why I'm doing it.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

It was your old address though that they had, right?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Okay.

[Duncan Trussell]

But that doesn't mean they can't get my new one.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

And yeah, I'll just keep uploading them, you know, I'll even upload, you know, a static one if you want that Maybe people out there know you can figure out what the it is. But to me it just sounds like somebody was playing like AM radio and just was recording AM radio in between like that. But yeah, I, I don't know, man. It's a, it's a very weird, bizarre thing. And I'll maybe do another one for next week if I have time. It just, it ends up being like, it's just extra shit for me to do that. And honestly, I don't like it. Like you, I feel gross. Like it gives me a gross. Like when you see like a roadkill or something, it gives me a gross feeling. And you're supposed to listen to that. All right, look, I'm going to wrap it up for the audio only podcast. Friends, thank you so much for joining us on the Duncan Trussell Family Hour. As you're probably aware, we are streaming this live on YouTube. Follow me on Twitter. Usually I announce it last the last minute because I have severe ADHD and I hate organizing and planning. But you could join us live on YouTube. And if you're interested in hearing other Pyramid tapes, there's a few other ones [e-mail] RPYramidTapes I'm going to keep putting them up there. We'll get this up there ASAP as soon as we can edit it out. And you guys feel free to do whatever the you want with it. Download it, play it backwards. I'll see if there's a way we can make it downloaded, downloadable. Research it, figure out what the it is because I would love to know. I really, what would just make me feel better is if anyone could connect anything that is on them to something in the world. Because what's Unnerving to me is that somebody made them because I can't find and that I somehow am the only one who has it. Because I feel like if this was sent out to a bunch of people by now somebody would have uploaded it. So that's the part that freaks me out the most. Like if it's just some mishmash of bullshit from the radio or something. Great, great. That makes me feel way better than somebody spent a lot of time making a bunch of weird fucking ambient, creepy tapes and then sent them to me. I don't. That's. As you can imagine, that that is weird. There's a lot of tapes in that box. And the idea of some weirdos just sitting and recording the radio and then like muttering about snakes or something is not exactly like, that's not what good dreams are made of. Goodbye to you audio listeners. I'm now going to jump into the YouTube live feed and. What time is it, Josh?

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

It's about to be 12.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh shit. I don't have time. Fuck. 12 to 1, 1 to 2. Hold on, you guys. Actually, I don't have time. I'm about to do a interview with one of my favorite video game creators, Edmund McMillan. He made the Binding of Isaac. He's got a new game coming out. That's what this shirt is. Let me just jump on Twitter because that's where I've been dming with him. See if we can start slightly late.

[Josh]

Foreign.

[Duncan Trussell]

Support for today's episode comes from Square. You know, I'm old enough to remember a time when there was no Square where you didn't have some futuristic bit of technology that would allow you to do business transactions wherever you happen to be, with credit cards instead of cash. Used to have dirty, sticky, nasty, germ covered weird cash jammed up in your pocket. And you knew where that cash had been. And it isn't always good. It had been rolled up, shoved in noses, stuffed into bras, God knows what else. Square has protected us from having to reach into our pockets and grab bacterial soaked grubby bits of occult paper with Masonic symbols on it. Right now, listeners can get up to $200 off Square hardware when you sign [e-mail] Go Duncan. That's S Q U A R E dot com, Go Duncan. It's incredible. I mean, especially if you're a comic or if you need to sell merch or anything. And you know that no one carries cash now. It's just so easy to set up. It just works every time. And that, my friends, is the future. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against fiat currency. It just feels weird to handle something that somebody blew their lower nose into. Thank you.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Square.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, wait, no, we have time. 11 to 12. 12 to 1. Okay. It's because he's on PST. Wait, hold on. Sorry, I'm an idiot. 11 PST is one our time, right, Josh?

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Correct.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay, cool. We have time. Okay, great. I. I freaked out and thought it was at noon. All right, are there any Super Chats? Any questions?

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Let's see. Super Chats. Yeah, you get two.

[Duncan Trussell]

Adam is asking if I've considered that my wife and family made these. My wife didn't make these tapes. I know that. And my kid. Maybe my kids. But if they made. If my kids made a box of tapes, it would have been one of them because it was years ago, and I guess he would have been like two. So that's gonna be very exciting to me. And Gary Lee Haskins says, all hail the Snake King. Yeah, I don't know. It's like. It's very spooky to me, the snake shit. And, you know, though it does seem like the gospel part of that tape and the snake part of that tape are separate, it is worth noting that those songs were referencing snakes. And then that is some fucking loon jabbering about snakes. So that's not a happy feeling either. Friends, let's go in the chat. Anyone have any questions? Comments?

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

I gotta. I got a text for one.

[Duncan Trussell]

What?

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Your wife says, I can see you vaping.

[Duncan Trussell]

Are you kidding me?

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Yeah, she texts me right now.

[Duncan Trussell]

I can see you, baby.

[Josh]

I love you, babe. I'll explain when I get home.

[Duncan Trussell]

I have to do it. It's important. It's a sponsor.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

She put in all caps. Not good.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's really spooky, but Austin's a small town, and I was. When I was driving here, she's like, I saw. I see your car. I'm like, oh, I bet she saw me vaping in here. Busted. God damn it, Aaron. Don't watch this now. I'm gonna be nervous. Turn it off. Don't watch this bit. I can't. I can't, I can't.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Immortal Duke says, is there life on Mars?

[Duncan Trussell]

Of course there is, Immortal Duke. There's life across the whole universe. There's all kinds of life out there, Immortal Duke. The universe teaming with laugh. Now, just because it doesn't match what humans think life is, don't mean it ain't there. Mars is alive. The planets are living organisms. They're eggs within each of those Eggs. It's a young godling being born. The sun's the incubator. Once it gets hot enough, then the egg will hatch. That's what the earthquakes are from in Earth. It's from the baby bird inside the shell of the earth, moving around, getting ready to be born. So yeah, there's life in and out, as above, so below. Soon those little space birds will hatch. That's what atlas is. That's the going to crack the shell of the earth to release little chickadee, send it flying into a black hole. The good news is the vape ran out of juice. So I don't even have the option of doing it because the, you know, the, the part of me that like is still rebelling against my mom through my marriage wants to now really wants to vape to like make like a teenager point of like, you can't control me. So embarrassing. What was up, Duncan? Kitty04 says, Duncan, those tapes sound eerily similar to my brother's music. You should listen to Remote Viewers by Frugivore. I'll check it out. I mean, yeah, it does definitely seem like some kind of noise musician or something doing it. Oh yeah. And so, yeah, you know what, go on, Josh, go on YouTube and pull up the Binding of Isaac intro and we can cut this out of the podcast itself. So I don't get a copyright ding?

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Well, you might because we're live.

[Duncan Trussell]

Maybe if I like hum over it or something. How come people can. How can people can stream shit all the time? Like. But I. We get a ding. Well, okay, don't play it then. But the Binding of Isaac is the most fucked up, cool game ever. It's. I think it's one of the most popular games. It must be. But in the Binding of Isaac you play a little boy boy who basically he's got to like make his way through hell. And it's so. It's. It's like the graphics are like 8 bit, but it's really fun. It's a souls, like game. You. It's very addictive and it's just, it's an incredible game. And he's got a new game coming out and so he's, you know, he's an indie game maker and he is just a genius. And if you haven't played the Binding of Isaac, you should. That being said, probably most of you are playing Silksong and I'd love to know your thoughts on that. I am playing Silksong. I wish I didn't start. A lot of people are pissed. It's Silksong because they think that it is too hard. Can you pull up Silksong on YouTube? This is Hollow Knight 2 and for those of you got sucked into the Hollow Knight vortex, I'm sure by now you're playing this.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

This one.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, I'm sure we can play the trailer.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Audio's not working again.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's okay. That's better. It's a beautiful game. The music's beautiful, but you know, it's a. It's though like what's cool about it is you realize that great graphics do not make a great game. And this game is hard as fuck, friends. Hard as and frustrating as. And I love it because so many people are mad at it. Pull up the subreddit. Hollow Knight subreddit. Or maybe the Silksong subreddit. Go. Just look at Google Reddit silksong and let's find somebody bitching. Scroll down a little bit. Keep scrolling down. Keep scrolling down. Keep scrolling down. I don't know where they. It was. It was rife with complaints before. Keep scrolling down. Damn it. Look, I'll find it. Hold on. Let me just find a negative review of it. It's so funny. Reddit Silk song.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

This person just says, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

[Duncan Trussell]

Click on the spoiler. They're probably making fun of the people bitching about it. The people who really like Hollow Knight love that. It's hard, but I'll read. I'll try to find one of these. I feel so sorry for people who make video games. Here we go. This is great. Silksong. Okay. Hey, I'll be speaking for this perspective of someone who 100% ish beat 100% of Hollow Knight with Radiance beat most of the bosses except Pantheon and Graham. Silksong is extremely punishing to the point of no fun. Far too many enemies and traps appear suddenly and deal two hit points, making chip damage unavoidable. This is especially irritating due to environmental hazards. Also often dealing two hit points. This coupled with long distance benches and long multi phase battles is tedious. Boss combat design is a bit repetitive and playing hard with Hollow Knight, the most I've had to restart is like 20 times on a hardest boss. Here I failed 20 times in the first 5 minutes on widow alone. Same story with. Anyway, I don't want to spoil it for you guys, but dude, this, this is. And this is exactly what's wrong with society right now right there. Are you fucking kidding me? Do you know how my dick gets so hard when I realize that I am playing a game that is brutal. Like, I love it. I love the pain. It fucking hurts. I don't know what bosses this son of a bitch is even talking about. I can't get through anything. I got old man hands and I fucking die and die and die and die and die and die and die and die and die. Same loop over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. Just. Just the same loop, man. Like, early phase bosses. I'm getting my ass kicked by dying and dying and dying and dying and dying. And I love it. I love it. It's so fun. You listen, I don't mean to go old man on you, but you babies, you little whiny babies, what do you want? You. You watch a movie. Just go watch a movie. If you. If you don't. If you don't want it to be hard, go find a nice little baby movie. Go. Go watch one of those egg opening videos on YouTube. Pull up egg opening video, Josh. On YouTube. Fucking babies. What world are we in? You.

[Josh]

You spineless babies.

[Duncan Trussell]

I couldn't beat the dude.

[Josh]

It's supposed to drive you nuts. It's supposed to be like reading the nec. Go crazy.

[Duncan Trussell]

You don't want to win. You want to cry. You want to throw your. Your, your switch to the song. You should watch an egg opening video instead. Put on some adult diapers and pull up an egg opening video and just, just, just your hormonal diarrhea into your diaper and watch people open eggs. Because. Because Hollow Knight, Elden Ring. These games are. Are hard. They're not fun. You want fun? Pull up another egg opening video, please, Josh. There, that one. Surprise egg there. There you go. This is good. That's perfect. No, not that one. Go back to the surprise egg. The one right before it. Josh, play this while I rant. This is. This is for all of you out there. This is what you want. If you're upset at the difficulty of Silksong, I would recommend surprise egg opening videos. You can. They open the eggs. Inside the eggs are cute little toys. And. And you can. You can just watch these videos instead of leaving negative comments about a game that cost 20 bucks and took what, six years to make? Six years. And it's too hard for you. Look, a little yellow car for you. You could sit. You know what you do? You could go and get a bunch of these eggs and put them in your bathtub and you can sit in the bathtub and you could put your iPad up on the. Up on the. On the faucet. And you could just watch egg opening videos while the real men and women of the world play Silk Song and. And scream. Where we. Where we just give up our. We give up, but we keep playing. We lose our rosaries. We don't get them back, we don't collect. We don't stay. We don't collect our cocoons. We can't. We can't get back there. Don't know how to jump on bouncy things. Die on the spikes. And that's it. We suffer. And you. Or you're. You know what you could have been doing instead of leaving your baby message on. On that subreddit with your sticky little fingers from eating too much cotton candy, stabbing away at the keys all mad. You could have kept playing. You could have gotten good. You want them to patch that game? Is that what you want? Ruin the game so that you're trimming trembly? Little. Little. Ask and have it easy. Look, a little bear. There's a bear for you. Nice little bear from a surprise egg. That's what you need. This is your kind of game. Silk Song, Elden Ring. The souls games. These. These games are meant to hurt your soul. They're meant to hurt you and. And trample you. Like this. Like this. The high heeled feet of a dominatrix. Tap dancing on your back, lashing your back as you. As you scream and cry. Not on Reddit, but alone. They're meant to make your body smell bad. They're meant to make your body release the kind of pheromones that are only supposed to be released when you're being attacked by a badger in a swamp. That's what this game is. You need to. You need to play the Donkey Kong game. Or you need to play. If you're gonna play a game. I don't know, like Peglin, maybe. Play Peglin. Don't bitch about Silksong. Not. I'm not on my Reddit. And it's weird because usually on Reddit, everyone's so happy about everything. It's weirdly. See some weak ass person complaining, all right, we can get closer.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Maybe it's because we grew up with games that we couldn't save where we were and if we lost, we had to restart the whole game.

[Josh]

Exactly.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Generations aren't used to that.

[Josh]

Exactly.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's exactly right. This is. We're talking about. This is terrible. Like, if we've gotten to the point where we're complaining about one of the. One of the coolest games to come out in a long time because it's too hard.

[Josh]

Yes, it sucks. It sucks.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's so hard, it hurts. You get headaches, migraines playing it.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Games are so hard. Back then, they came up with that thing, Game Genie. It was supposed to be like, it helped you cheat and stuff.

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, I remember when Nintendo, there was a hotline you could call and you had to pay for it. And so you'd call a hotline and an adult would give you hints for Zelda. And they were assholes because kids were calling them all day asking for hints in video games and they were fucking dicks. You can make a difference in someone's life, including your own, with a job in home care.

[Narrator/Voice on Tape]

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[Duncan Trussell]

Retirement options, and free training. They also provide paid time off and opportunities for overtime. Visit oregonhomecarejobs.com to learn more and apply. That's oregonhomecarejobs.com.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. Spooky season is quickly approaching, so time to stock up on all your favorite treats now through October 7th, you can get early savings on your Halloween candy favorites when you shop in store and online. Save on items like Hershey's, Reese's Pumpkins, Snickers Miniatures, Tootsie Rolls, Raw sugar, milk chocolate, caramel, Jack O Lanterns, Brock's Candy Corn Charms, Mini pops, and more. Offerings October 7th. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, man. Well, look, guys, we need to start. Drew is saying no scum savings. I don't. You can't really scum save in Silksong. You can't do that. You could do that in Baldur's Gate, but you can't scum, scum save in Silksong. I scum save. I don't care. I like scum saving like in Baldur's Gate. It's fun to scum save because you. That's how you set up stupid when you're, like, sick of it. All right, look, we need to start wrapping it up. It's been a joy hanging out with you sweeties. Thank you so much for joining my live YouTube. I should let you know we do have a Patreon. I don't know if you're already subscribed to the YouTube. I don't know exactly why you'd subscribe to the Patreon, but if you want to, it's there. Thank you for my dear, dear subscribers, which have been going. How many subscribers are we at now, Josh?

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

159,000.

[Duncan Trussell]

We're now at 159,000, 000 subscribers. Now that is a vanity number, is what Chat GPT told me, which hurt. That's a vanity number. It doesn't really mean anything at all. But that's what we're up to. And to me, it's not a vanity number. And Chat GBT can suck it. Succubus. I haven't talked to Chat GPT in a while. We're in a fight. Not interested in anything she has to say at this point. But yeah, fuck her. Oh, it's a vanity number. It isn't a vanity number. It means every single one of you who are my subscribers subscribed. You spent the time to click the subscribe button, you clicked the like button, and you drove us one step closer to getting to Mr. Beast level subscribers. What number is Mr. Beast up to right now, Josh?

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Let me check. I think it's like 340 million.

[Duncan Trussell]

But he's at 340 million, so we are well on our way to getting there. How many do we have again, Josh?

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

159, 000.

[Duncan Trussell]

159, 000. So we are well on our way to getting to 340 million subscribers.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

433 million. Actually.

[Duncan Trussell]

Four. Okay, four. That's fine. Just a few million. We're well on our way. We're. Thank you, Slurm. We're right on his tail, so don't give up. I know a lot of you guys have been going door to door telling people to subscribe to my YouTube. I appreciate that. Be careful out there. Things are weird right now. Definitely. If somebody doesn't want to interact with you, just go. Just go. Don't. Don't antagonize. Some of you guys are a little aggro about it. I know many of you have been going out on the streets to various rallies, handing out flyers to subscribe to my YouTube Operation Beast Blast. And you truly are my family. You are the elite. And for those of you who haven't been, you know, working towards this goal, maybe you should reflect a little bit. Maybe you should think and ask yourself, like, if maybe you really want the pyramids there, maybe you secretly want those hideous fucking things sticking up out of the desert like spikes that a giant could easily puncture his foot on. Maybe that's what you want. I'm not saying it is, but words are words. Actions. Action. I need you guys out there. I need you guys. You could do, I don't know, food stands, make food for people and then give them the literature. I'll print something up for you. If you want, I'll have a PDF that you could print out, distribute around your hometown, in your city. This is real. Yeah, sure, I might just seem like a weirdo doing a podcast, but it's more than that. And though I know you might think it's some kind of big gag or something, that I never take anything seriously, let me tell you, I'm a very serious man, and I mean everything I say. And I definitely want to blow up the pyramids 100%. And you can go ahead and fucking clip that if you want to use it wherever you want. I want to blow up the pyramids, and I will blow up the pyramids. And I'm going to do it by getting more subscribers than Mr. Beast, who, I might add, from time to time, sends me chocolate. I'm not sponsored, nor will I ever be sponsored by Mr. Beast. This is not some clever product placement. If it was, it would be illegal. I would have to say this, the words. I'm not even going to say it, because people like, no, he's actually not sponsored by Mr. Beast. And Mr. Beast thinks he's smarter than me. And so Mr. Beast thinks that by sending me chocolate and snackables, that he will get me to talk about it on my podcast, thus getting free advertising. And it doesn't work, Mr. Beast. And the other thing that he thinks is that I'm gonna eat the chocolate because he knows I have diabetes. And I will tell you this, it was only after my. It was within weeks of me publicly saying I had diabetes that I started getting chocolate from Mr. Beast. What was it, like, two weeks?

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Yeah. And he gave you 100 cash?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. $1 bills roll like a stack of $1 bills and chocolate.

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

Like you're a stripper.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, I didn't really can think of it like that, Josh, until just now. But, yeah, like, I'm some kind of garden variety, like, afternoon dancer at some garbage strip club. And, you know, how did I get diabetes, Mr. Beast? I'll tell you. I couldn't control myself. And I ate and ate and ate sugar all the time. And so when you sent me a box of delicious chocolate, it was a little bit like sending Gollum. The ring of power. You knew what you were doing. You knew that box of chocolate would call to me in the night. And I. I ate a piece of that fucking chocolate on this very podcast and I fell asleep. Because that's what happens when I eat too much sugar. Didn't die, didn't work. Mr. Beast, I didn't go into the coma that you hope to induce. So I win. I win. And I will win. I will exceed your subscribers tenfold. I don't know what that number is. How many subscribers does he have?

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

You'd have to get 4.3 billion.

[Duncan Trussell]

I will get 4.3 billion. How many people are on earth?

[Josh (Producer/Co-host)]

8 billion.

[Duncan Trussell]

I'll get half the population of this beautiful planet to subscribe to my podcast, Mr. Beast. Half. While you have a quarter. And then what? And then what? Well, it's obvious with the probably $500 million I'll make every month, I'm gonna buy the pyramids. I'm already in negotiations for that. I'm going to cut off the capstone. I'm already talking to contractors about how to do that. I'm going to drill through the top of the pyramids. Already talking to drill men about that. I'm going to fill them and fill it with Mentos. Learn that from you. And then we're going to use fire hoses connected to diesel trucks filled with Coca Cola, and we're going to fill the pyramids up with Coca Cola and Mentos, and it's going to blow those babies back down to fucking hell where they belong. It's going to purify them. After you decided to go squirming through the tunnels for one of your popular videos, we're going to eliminate the pyramids, and we're going to do it during a beautiful music festival. I'm already in the in negotiations with several very famous, very talented musicians already in contract negotiations. And I know what you're thinking. If I am at this festival and the main event is the destruction of the pyramids, will I not be hit by shrapnel? Stone shrapnel? No, you will not. Because we're going to use the money that you're investing just by subscribing to build a titanium fence of microfiber. Titanium microfibers, meaning that you'll be able to see it. It'll look plain as day, but you will not get hit by the shrapnel, which a physicist told me could be traveling at over 300, 500 miles per hour. With the amount of Mentos I intend to dump into there, the chemical reaction will be very powerful, could even create a mushroom cloud. And every single one of my subscribers will get a free ticket. Everyone and every member will get VIP seating. So don't forget to become a member of the DTFH on YouTube. You will get commercial free episodes of this podcast and I don't know what else I should put probably do. I should work a little harder. But you'll get stuff. We can do it. Believe in yourself. Don't let them make you think that you can't achieve anything in this world. I'm not going to be that kind of dad. My kids are going to look up at me with such pride as I stand on the leader podium wearing the medals of freedom I intend to award myself as we watch those pyramids transform back into desert dust. And we'll probably cry alpha male style. Tears. Thick tears, ripped tears. Because we did it. And you can too. Don't be one of these people who go on Reddit and bitch about Silksong instead of spending your time doing that. Go to Kinko's, go to FedEx. Make your own flyers for Operation Beast Blast and distribute them throughout your town. Join us. Don't be afraid. Remember, the journey of a million miles begins with one movement. A step. One step. Join us. You are my family. Those of you who can feel me in your mind right now, telepathically communicating with you, you hear what I'm saying and you know what I'm doing. I'll see you next week, everybody. Thank you for joining us. Hare Krishna, God go with you into the night. Goodbye.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. Spooky season is quickly approaching, so time to stock up on all your favorite treats now through October 7th. You can get early savings on your Halloween candy favorites when you shop in store and online. Save on items like Hershey's, Reese's Pumpkins, Snickers Miniatures, Tootsie Rolls, Raw Sugar, Milk Chocolate, Caramel, Jack O Lanterns, Brock's Candy Corn Charms, Mini Pops and more. Offer ends October 7th. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.