Loading summary
Transcript118 lines
- [00:01]
Duncan Trussell
Oh, I have had no luck lately. Wait.
- [00:04]
Lady Luck (advertisement voice)
Lady luck, Britsky. I got you. I've had so much luck on spinquest.com they have all of my favorite games, slot games, live blackjack craps and bubble craps. You can even get a 30 coin pack for just 10 bucks.
- [00:19]
Duncan Trussell
10 bucks for 30. I'm headed over to spinquest.com right now. Spinquest is a free to play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details. We're gonna do asmr today. The sound of. Welcome to the. To the day stream. That's what you're watching while we do ASMRs. It's. Welcome. Oh, welcome, oh welcome sweet angels, to today's day stream. Start off with some basic housekeeping announcements. The night streams are about to resume. Heading on a family vacation next week, but I now have access starting July 1st. Anyway, I have access to. What is the date right now?
- [02:02]
Josh
July 1st.
- [02:02]
Duncan Trussell
Today I have access to my new nightstream studio. Josh is gonna help me set it up. We gotta talk about that. Josh. It's gonna be nice. Nicer than the old studio. It's gonna have everything that all of you have requested. Aquarium filled with rare poisonous jellyfish being installed right now. Buckets of change. Change buckets, as they're called in the south are going to be throughout the room, allowing me to place change from my pocket into the buckets. Don't know why you guys requested that, but that was a member request. It will be free of shrews, weasels, all kinds of biting creatures. Those of you who did tune into the previous night streams, you know we were having a problem with. With shrews. With weasel. Some kind of weasel thing. Sentient seeming, Gleaming eyes, glittering black obloid, dark hell swirls that just looked right through me after it bit me on the ankle. And it did get infected, but the doctor gave me some penicillin and it went away pretty quick. But I was sick for a few days. We're gonna have pinatas. Oh, yeah. You like that? You like pinatas?
- [03:23]
Josh
I love pinatas. They're the best.
- [03:25]
Duncan Trussell
Are you joking?
- [03:26]
Josh
No, not at all.
- [03:27]
Duncan Trussell
Why? Why?
- [03:29]
Josh
I think it's a cultural thing.
- [03:31]
Duncan Trussell
What do you mean?
- [03:33]
Josh
It's just something that we always had for birthdays, graduations, quinceanera, which is also.
- [03:38]
Duncan Trussell
So it. Like it stirs something in you.
- [03:40]
Josh
Yeah, just being able to beat the crap out of a figure or person that's shaped in a pinata.
- [03:45]
Duncan Trussell
What was your favorite?
- [03:47]
Josh
My favorite is when you decapitate them. And then the dad's drunk and he's pulling the rope. That's my favorite.
- [03:53]
Duncan Trussell
Sawing its fucking head off. Sawing its fucking head off. That's the scapegoat. That's the Sabbath goat. What you have in a pinata ceremony is essentially an archetypical reenactment of the crucifixion of Jesus. Right? I mean, isn't that what it is? I mean, Jesus, obviously when they pulled him down, candy didn't fall out of him, but it's sort of. There was candy in the sense that everybody was redeemed.
- [04:20]
Josh
Yeah. So that was a candy.
- [04:22]
Duncan Trussell
So you could argue Jesus was like the first pinata.
- [04:27]
Josh
I wouldn't argue that. But I mean.
- [04:29]
Duncan Trussell
I mean, they did basically. If you. Look, guys, again, if you are an unbeliever or whatever, you may be out there. If you're a Christian Catholic theologian. A lot of high ranking Ivy League theologians watch this show in their research, but they need my hot takes on Christianity. And if we sort of look at the crucifixion of Christ from the perspective of a pinata ceremony, you did have the piercing with the spear.
- [04:58]
Josh
Yeah.
- [04:59]
Duncan Trussell
Which is. Didn't they take the blood out of him? Am I wrong that they collected his blood in a cup and this became the Holy Grail? Am I wrong about that?
- [05:09]
Josh
No. I thought the Holy Grail was the one he had at the Last Supper.
- [05:13]
Duncan Trussell
Josh, will you look up the Holy Grail? I guess that's the unholy Grail, is the one that they got his blood in. The pinata grail. Let's look this up. We're off to a good start here, guys. I didn't expect to dive into such deep water so quickly. We're still doing housekeeping announcements, but I do need to find out what's the Holy Grail. What is it? The Holy Grail originated as a literary invention in late 12th century French romances, blending early Celtic myths with Christian tradition. It was introduced by the poet
- [05:46]
Lady Luck (advertisement voice)
in
- [05:46]
Duncan Trussell
his work where it appeared as a mysterious sacred vessel. God. You know, inevitably, man, some boring ass motherfucker starts talking about the Holy Grail. I'm not going to talk about it. Like, I have heard so many dry fucking lectures on the Holy Grail, it makes you want to kill yourself. Include. I'm sorry, you can't put that in here. Unalive yourself including the Indiana Jones Holy Grail 1. It's just so boring. The Grail's boring, but I guess it connects to the Fountain of Youth, which connects to the promise of eternal salvation. Or Potentially the possibility for some kind of substance to renew the human genome, creating a reverse aging situation and thus achieving human immortality, which lots of people are trying to do right now. They're working on that right now. And it's coming, it's coming. A lot of good things. They just had a big breakthrough. This is very important for me. Maybe some of you balds out there know about this, but will you Google search for me, please? Josh, New cure for balding. And I would love to say I don't give a fuck, but let me tell you, sweetie, something. I'm going to be slurping these down. Don't look at the AI. Scroll down. Did UCLA just cure baldness?
- [07:11]
Josh
Look at that guy.
- [07:11]
Duncan Trussell
Look at that dude, he's 95. Scroll down. Ancient Egyptians rubbed their bald heads with a mixture of dates, dog's paw and donkey's hoofs. So we'll get into the pyramids, just. These are the same people who made the fucking pyramids that a lot of you dicks somehow worship because they made these hideous structures that you think no human could have made. Aliens had to have made it. You worship the ancient Egyptians implicitly in your astonishment at the pyramids, which the pyramids are essentially the menstrual flow from the ancient Egyptians pussified, festering mind. And I didn't say that, that's Alan Watts. But the point is, these are the people who made the pyramids. They're rubbing dog paws on their heads. Just think about that. And I promise you, they weren't attached to a dog. So that means they were going and clipping off a dog paw, then rubbing that bloody stump all over their balding idiot heads. But that wasn't quite enough. They also. What else did they put on their heads? Where'd it go? Did I hallucinate that dog spot and donkey's hoof. So these are the people many of you are worshiping in your Egypt. Egyptian file. Bullshit. I don't want to get lost in the sauce here, but let's scroll down a little bit. Could a full head of hair soon be the norm for everyone in scientific terms? The PP405 molecule is isolated and applied to a protein in the follicle stem cells that keep the cells dormant. This inhibits the protein. But anyway, who cares about the fucking science? The point is, we're about to have a cream that works. Not this Rogaine bullshit. Not the shit you get at cvs. This has been working on the mice. They're doing human trials. Probably a few years away from what will be the most hilarious time in all of human history. We are in a dark time. Everyone says that. People love to say that. It's certainly a chaotic time, a confusing time, a time of tribulation, a time of deep insecurity, a time of narcissism, a time of some kind of public self flagellation to get views. We've got weirdos eating their period blood on TikTok. We've got people admitting things on YouTube shorts that you probably shouldn't tell anybody and monetizing that. You've got the monetization of childhoods. You've got children, their youth being extracted by their parents, digitized, transformed into some kind of algorithmic candy, and they're making money off of it. Fully aware of the fact that 70% of the people watching their kids first swim lesson are dudes. Because you can see the data there. They're like dudes in their mid-50s. They know that, they know that and they do it anyway. They do it anyway. And they act like that is not the world that they live in. This is what's happening. So we need a break is the point. We need a break. A little comic relief is coming your way via this brand new baldness medication because there's a lot of old bald dudes, me included, who have gone through the stages of grief, who have lost that sense of like giving a fuck about their hair. Not in a healthy way either. You just gotta do it, you know, I've seen there's terrible nature videos you can watch out there that will break your fucking heart. Gorillas, their baby dies and they don't put that body down, they carry it. They carry it for days in the sweltering heat of some balmy jungle and it decomposes. These are social animals, the other gorillas, they don't want to be rude. And that's wild for a gorilla that has manners. But you could easily snatch the dead baby away from the gorilla mama and hurl it into a lake, but they don't. They endure the stink of that rotten dead baby festering with worms, crawling with parasites, its eyes gelatinizing and rolling down the side of its once beautiful, vibrant face. And eventually it just falls apart. The arm falls off like a well smoked brisket, A gorilla brisket. And then they let it go. You see, this is what any man has gone through in losing his hair. It's like having a dead gorilla baby on the top of your head slowly, slowly falling apart. You see that first little streak of skin where skin should not be. You think to yourself. It could be my haircut, you know. It's not your haircut. You know, every motherfucker in your family went bald. And somehow you trick yourself into thinking you're exempt from that dark curse which shorn your father's head not by razor or scissor, but by the burst of holy fire, invisible, powerful, that rains down from the dark abode of that which made us and severs our hair from our head with the deafness of a high powered lawnmower. And so you lose your hair. It falls around you. Little dreams that you once had. Dreams of having a nice beautiful head of hair. It falls and falls and falls until all that's left are a few sad, dangling, greasy strips of what used to be the curly hair your mom combed when you were but a child. And you grieve. You grieve. Now maybe you go a little nuts. You get those hair transplants. You fight back, furiously swinging your fists against the python like coils of truth. You're dying, baby. You're on your way out. You're being marked. Don't fuck this dude. It's the mark of Cain. You're marked. And so you grieve and you let go. As David Nichtern says, suddenly free from fixed mind. You learn how to let go. You learn how to grieve. You become a bald. And. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. BetterHelp's 2026 State of Stigma report surveyed 2,000Americans and revealed that 85% of Americans believe getting support is wise, yet 74% say society discourages people from doing so. You know what? I get that. I've been to therapy and it always feels weird to say that. I don't know why it's so strange. You could tell somebody you got stem cel injected into your feet and no one's gonna blink at that. It just makes sense. You went to the doctor, you got earwax sucked out of your ears. Nobody thinks it's odd if you go to the optometrist. Why is it that if you go to get help with your mood, your life, your psyche, suddenly there's something strange about that? Especially when it works. It works. Therapy changed my life. And, yeah, it feels odd to say that. I don't know why. But if you're feeling a little wobbly right now, and it's a pretty normal time to feel wobbly, if you're looking at the news at all, even if you're not, these are wild, turbulent, strange times. And that probably goes for any time in human history. If you're walking around with a human body and a meaty ball of goo in your that has all your memories inside of it, it's a wobbly time. This is why therapy is great and why BetterHelp is a great way to find the right therapist for you. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform having served over 6 million people globally. And it works with an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 for a live session based on over 1.7 million million client reviews. Better Help therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the United States. BetterHelp BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences in their 12 plus years of experience. An industry leading match fulfillment rate means they typically get it right the first time. If you aren't happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored wrecks. Don't let stigma stand in the way of support. Start therapy with BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10% off@betterhelp.com Duncan that's better. H E L P.com Duncan this show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You live in that world now. You're a bald. You're a bald. You've joined a society that would love to be secret but can't be. And you wear hats. You wear hats. You do what I do. Sometimes you just shave it off all the way. Go full Kojak. Look at the disappointing look in your children's eyes as you come home having shaved your head. You hear your little girl say, what happened to your hair, daddy? You have to say, I'm cursed by God. Cursed. You let it go. But you see, some of us don't want to wear a wig. Some of us don't want to go through the hair transplant situation. Maybe we don't have the money for it. Or maybe we're phony holy. Which is a term coined by Ram Dass, which is we want to be more spiritual than we actually are because we really do care. We do want a full head of hair. And yet we recognize that there's something so deeply narcissistic and self cherishing and spending money on getting your ass hairs glued surgically to the top of your head. And so you go bald. But now, thanks to these, dare I say, saviors of the world, finally scientists are doing something that fucking matters. Finally, science steps ahead as it does from Time to time, yeah, sure. A.I. is about to wake up. Yes, sure, they just shut down the particle accelerator. Not because they're turning it off permanently, it's cern, but because in four years they're about to. You think the Mandela effect is fucking bad? Wait for four years to see what happens. You're gonna look down and have fucking dog legs. That's what's coming. You're gonna wake up one morning with fucking dolphin flippers. Actual dog. Not like you're a thalamite. Whatever that those poor babies are. Thalamide. Doesn't matter. You're gonna wake up with a. With. With big old dangling hog dicks flapping at the side of your head. And you're gonna look in the mirror and scream. And your. Your family, you'll look around, they're all gonna have big old dangling hog dicks on the side of their heads, covering up their ears. Dick flaps. And you're going to hear your wife say, why are you. You should pull your dick flaps back and you're going to say, what? I have dicks on my head. Are you all right? What are you talking about? Because in the universe you're in, big old dangling fat hog dicks is normal. That's what's coming in a few years. So all you out there celebrating the shutdown of the CERN particle accelerator, you shouldn't be celebrating so much. They're just getting in there, making some fucking improvements. It's a mere four years. And yeah, now that they shut the fucking thing down, time seems to be moving normally again. But you better wait. You're four years away from having veined purpley hog dicks hanging off the side of your head and everyone's gonna think it's normal. Point is, I will take that if it means there's a cream I can rum in the top of my fucking. I swear to God, I swear. I mean, there's a way to mitigate the dick flaps for sure. Tie them back. There's a way to do that. Cover them up with your fucking hair. With your beautiful flowing mane. It could be a secret that you and your barber know. You know what I mean? You just go in, you're like, look, I got those hog dicks under my hair. But just. Let's just keep the hair long. Long. Cover them up. I guess if they can get erections, that could be problematic because then kind of rise up out of your hair, which is so embarrassing. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. You're beautiful. I know. This is our first day. I don't know why they're doing that. Like when you're getting a massage, dog takes crow out of your head. Shaman code 333. You know, I saw that and I felt it telepathically, too. This is a channel for all shaman to reset and align. That's what it's here for. You got it. That's what this is. You come in. Come here. Come into the day stream. Come into the day stream. We're going to reconnect you. We're going to realign you. We're going to charge you up. We're going to recalibrate you. This is just a simple recalibration tuning mechanism. I'm sending out all kinds of things outside of language right now. Big blasts of photonic quantum healing energy right from this old. Look, I am an old dude. My pineal gland, it looks a lot like a calcified, withered mummy testicle. Okay, I'm just going to admit it, but there's a little crack in all that calcification. I'm blasting you with sweet, powerful healing from photons. Also, I do this. That song's familiar to so many of you. Where have I heard that song before? It's the song of Atlanta. It's the song of the stars. It's the song you heard in the womb. It's a song when. You heard when you. But a young, young, young star floating in space, clear and bright. Everybody thinks black holes are eating stars. It's one of the great misconceptions. And you know, all of us love and respect Neil Degrasse Tyson, as you should, and you should respect and not question any scientist. But one place they got it wrong, and I say this with deep respect for the scientific community, is they think that stars are getting sucked into black holes and spaghettified. That's what they think. They think they get sucked in spaghettified. And there's some core to black holes that's like a. I don't know, very dense, insanely dense, which is producing this gravity situation, which is pulling in more stars. What they don't realize is that the black hole, the black hole is essentially like an egg. I mean, I guess the better way to put it would be the black hole is the yoni of the universe. It's a pussy. So I'm trying to say, and stars are the genetic material that get pulled into black holes. This is the reproductive method of the universe. And every star that gets pulled into a black hole is born here on Earth. People don't seem to know that you are all stars. Literal stars. And you got pulled in. And that's the language of science. It's so brutal. The language of astronomy. Brutal. It's brutalist. It's the same language that fucking psycho Descartes used as he was disemboweling living dogs. This is all due respect, but the language is inevitably brutal. Pulled in. Pulled in, sucked in. Crushed. Now, invited. When the stars are ready, they're invited in. They're invited into a black hole. When the stars are ready, they consent. They're sick of being up there singing their little song. They want to know something more than being an explosion of supermassive energies flinging out into the night sky a gift to all who would see it. But also, at some point, you want more. And so you go into a black hole and you're reborn as a human, or an animal, if you're lucky. A human. You could be born on all kinds of other star systems. The gift of the sun, you know, the sun one day will be a person, which is going to be really bad. You got to feel bad for the sun, because it's damned if you do, damned if you don't. You know, the moment the sun chooses to be sucked into a black hole, where's it going? Where's it going to go? I don't know. We don't have to get into that. Better not think about it. Better not think about that. But the point is, maybe another star system. Who knows? But all of you, every single one of you, watching or listening, you are a star once, an actual star, glowing bright in the night. And when you hear the song Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, I know you probably just think that's a kid's nursery rhyme, something you sing to a child or a dying whore. But in fact, that song is a deep, encoded message telling all of you what you were. Twinkle, twinkle little star How I wonder what you are up above the clouds
- [27:36]
Josh
so high Like a what diamond Keep going in the sky Twinkle, twinkle little star How I wonder what you are I feel more like a moon.
- [27:49]
Duncan Trussell
What?
- [27:49]
Josh
I feel more like a moon.
- [27:51]
Duncan Trussell
You do? I know what you mean. I get that moon feeling sometimes.
- [27:53]
Josh
Yeah.
- [27:54]
Duncan Trussell
Now you. Well, you could have been a moon. Who am I to judge? I don't know. I just know for sure most of us were stars. You might have been some old moon.
- [28:01]
Josh
Yeah, like a hollow moon.
- [28:06]
Duncan Trussell
Do you think the moon is hollow, Josh?
- [28:08]
Josh
It did ring like a bell, is what Instagram told me, from this guy who said that he saw an article about it.
- [28:14]
Duncan Trussell
Will you please look up the moon the moon ring like a bell?
- [28:19]
Josh
Yes.
- [28:21]
Duncan Trussell
Let's dive into this because this is pretty fascinating. A lot of my friends believe this. The phrase the moon rang like a bell refers to the seismic vibrations detected by NASA's Apollo instruments when Apollo 12 intentionally crashed its lunar module under the moon. Seismometers recorded reverberations that lasted for almost an hour, making the moon vibrate like a struck gong. Let's look at the science behind the ring. Show more. The prolonged echo is a result of the moon's unique geological composition, not evidence of it being hollow. Lack of moisture on Earth. Moisture in rock and soil acts like a sponge, quickly absorbing and dampening. The Moon is incredibly dry, cool and geologically dead. See what I mean? This is the language they use and this is very human. We assign the moon as being dead and we do that. People say the moon is dead. These motherfuckers will tell you the moon's dead because for them there isn't interrelation, there isn't connection, there's no interdependency. Oh, it's dead. The fucking thing, the mother of tides. The mother of tides, the thing that's mixing the, the oceans of the Earth, the things that's producing the pulsation that creates life on this planet, is dead. Not the mama these fuckers want. They want to warp your brain, say the moon is dead. Moon ain't dead. She's a hollowed out bitch. Hollow. She's hollow to the core. Dry and riches. I don't even want to look at this bullshit anymore. I don't even want to look at this anymore. That's what they want, to fuck with your head, man. They want you to live in a dead universe. Don't you see it? People? That's what they want. The sorcerers of the world, they want to cast spells, linguistically. They want to cast spells so that you live in a non magical universe where there's a dead moon and a dead sun and the dead void. And they sure as fuck don't want you to know that every one of those stars you see twinkling in the heavens is a sperm. They don't want you to know the stars are jizz. Scattered jizz, floatin, glowing, growing and eventually getting invited into the deep dark peace of a black hole to be born as. Maybe you, maybe me, maybe a squirrel. They don't want you to know that all living things are stars. Maybe moons like Josh, maybe hollow moons, that's fine. But they don't want you to know the universe is alive because you're alive. That's what they don't want you to know. They don't want you to know that via connection itself, there's no such thing as death. There's no such thing as extinction. Now, I mean, what you are will die for sure. But the essence of interdependency, connection points to a vibrant consciousness that exists in all things interconnected, filled with light, but also darkness. And they don't want you to know that when that star slides into that black hole, it orgasms. They don't want you to know that. They don't want you to know the sun is an orgasm right now. The sun is coming. Photons, they want you to know that. They don't want you to know that when you have a suntan, that's because the sun came all over you. It's true. The sun is coming. The sun is blasting photonic jizz onto our planet. It's obviously doing that. It's fertile. The photons bring life. The photons rise up, raise up the crops. The photons, they give us heat. The photons are tiny spermatozoa. Which brings me to the subject that I wanted to talk about today. France. You see, right now, France. France is getting special attention from the sun. And who doesn't love Paris? Who fucking doesn't love Paris? France. Only a fool, only a fool would not love. I'll never forget my trip to Paris. I had a bad oyster. I got explosive diarrhea in a Parisian jazz club. But other than that, it was fucking great. Let's take a look at this. I know you guys have been seeing this. Show. That looks like, looks like what we're looking at there is a fucking European traffic light. Now this is interesting to me, right? Like, what are they making their fucking traffic lights out of the. Seriously, how come that doesn't happen here in Texas? What are those fucking things made out of, like cake icing? Is it. Is it cake? Are they making their fucking traffic lights out of cake? 45°, what is that? Do the. Turn that satanic fucking metric for heat into something American for me, Josh, Fourth of July is coming up.
- [34:31]
Josh
That is 113 degrees.
- [34:34]
Duncan Trussell
Okay, that's pretty fucking hot. The point is, who am I to say, for those of you out there in the UK right now sweating your balls off, watching the day stream. I don't know if anybody's from the UK there. Who am I to say anything out here in America? I'm in a very well air conditioned podcast studio right now. Josh is freezing.
- [34:56]
Josh
I'm freezing.
- [34:56]
Duncan Trussell
Look at Josh, he had to put a blanket on. The AC is so powerful in here that Josh had to wear a little blankie. So YMH studios here. That died. A heat stroke in the uk. Damn glad they got you back to life. But, you know, so I understand there could be some frustration with us Westerners out there in the uk. You know, I get it. You're out there, you're fucking. Your traffic lights are melting. I saw something. Your croissants, your baguettes are catching on fire.
- [35:34]
Josh
They don't even put ice in their water.
- [35:36]
Duncan Trussell
So what?
- [35:37]
Josh
They don't even put ice in their water.
- [35:38]
Duncan Trussell
They don't know they can't.
- [35:39]
Josh
Yeah.
- [35:40]
Duncan Trussell
And, you know, I don't want to get all woke and SJW here, but we should all have a lot of compassion for the people right now in France and the UK going through this heat wave, because one thing that is impossible on that side of the planet is air conditioning. And I'm hoping shutting down CERN is gonna fix the issue. And my theory is for all of you Parisians, the people in the UK who've been getting window units, who've been getting air conditioning and having that thing that happens, they just disappear. Have you heard about this? So you go, you order the fucking thing, it comes to your house, and you open the box, and you can even watch these unboxing videos. We don't have to watch them now, but you open the box and the AC vanishes. Like, you see it for, like one second, you reach to grab it, you're about to cool your house down, and it disappears. So this is some kind of quantum. I'm trying to remember the name. The scientific name of it is a quantum turbulence effect of they don't know what of something. I don't know. I'm not. Again, full respect to Neil Degrasse Tyson. I heard him talking about this. But it's a phenomena and it's wild. You know, the ACs just disappear. And what's where. The reason they're angry right now is because you know where they go?
- [37:04]
Josh
The river.
- [37:05]
Duncan Trussell
The United States.
- [37:06]
Josh
Oh.
- [37:06]
Duncan Trussell
So if a Parisian opens up an air conditioner in their apartment or chateau or whatever, it teleports somehow right to a Home Depot warehouse in the United States, and then we buy them. So essentially we're buying Parisian air conditioners that have teleported in because of this bizarre effect of that part of the planet. Maybe it has something to do with the moon, Maybe it has something to do with CERN or something like that. So they're fucking pissed off at us right now because they think that we're doing it on purpose. And, dude, I have a friend who works at a Home Depot warehouse, and I'm telling you, man, they have no idea. They love it. They make so much money. They make so much money because it's like a free air conditioner. But it's not us, Gyal. It's not us. And I'm so sorry. So let's have a moment of prayer and silence for the people of Europe right now. Prayer works. Please. O great creator of all things, that which extantiates matter into time, space, the source of all joy and happiness, the progenitive force that allows us to experience this beautiful and incredible vibrant universe that allows us to experience life and light. Enjoy. Oh, great truth. Oh, great truth. Please, please, please stop teleporting the air conditioners of France to the United States so that they may experience the coolness. I had to have three blankets last night, Lord. Thank you so much. Three blankets. Because the AC got so cold and my wife has some kind of heat issue, some kind of body heat issue. Thank you, God. Thank you, God. Please, God, stop teleporting the cooling machines of France and Europe. All, all places where they disappear. Please stop teleporting them here to the United States so these people can cool down. Amen.
- [39:23]
Josh
Amen.
- [39:39]
Duncan Trussell
This episode of the DTFH is brought to you by Cash App. You know what? We live in a technological world. I'm sure if we teleported somebody in from the 1800s, they would probably go insane. They might even claw their eyes out and want to travel immediately back. They wouldn't understand credit cards. It wouldn't make sense to them. Debit cards, what's that? A rectangle that you use to buy stuff. But if you're a parent, you actually have to start teaching your kid about this stuff. Yeah, sure. I would love to live in a world where we didn't have such a thing as credit or money. I would love to live in a world where we just everyone lactated gold out of their nipples and they could use that to trade for nectar, which made us live forever. But we don't live in that world. We live in a world where you got to pull out that rectangle and swipe it or shove it in if you want to get a Gatorade. And so every parent knows, like, it's pretty wild to watch your kid make their first purchase with a card. We've just started doing that with the oldest and they're actually proud. But you Realize like it is somewhat complex. The whole thing is bizarre, like when you see someone do it for the first time. And what's awesome about Cash App is they have managed accounts for kids 6 to 12 that are designed to educate your kid. Your kid gets a customizable Cash App Visa card that feels personal to them while you shape the entire experience from your side. You manage everything from your own Cash App, all with no subscription fees. Because building money habits shouldn't cost extra. Here's what makes it different. Their savings habits and history carry forward every step of the way. Parent managed at 6, a teen account at 13 and a full account at 18. You're not starting over with different banks or losing track of what they've learned. They've got fraud monitoring and Cash App will let you give your kids real experience, real guidance. A smart setup that grows with kids who are ready to start learning and keep working as they become adults. If you're ready to start teaching money habits without adding more stress to your plate, download Cash App and set up a managed account for your child today. For a limited time, new Cash App customers who are parents can use our exclusive referral code Family10 to earn $10, download Cash App, enter the referral code in your profile. Send $5 to a friend within 14 days and you'll receive ten $10 terms apply. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App's Bank Partners. Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton bank member FDIC Cash App Visa Debit flex cards issued by Sutton bank member FDIC and the Bank Corp. Bank in a pursuant to a license from Visa USA Inc. See terms and conditions for the Sutton Prepaid Card, Sutton Debit Flex Card and Bank Card Corp. Debit Flex Card Savings and offers provided by Cash App a Block Inc. Brand Parents and legal guardians can open a managed Account for kids 6 to 12. Visit Cash App Legal podcast for full disclosures. I mean, a lot of you guys are being dicks. I'm looking at the chat here because a lot of you guys are so smug. You're saying such bullshit like, well, why don't they just get ac? Why don't they just put an air conditioner up? Why don't they just get air conditioning? They tried. Don't you get that people are fucking dying? They tried that. They vanish. They fucking disappear, man. Do your research. Don't be such so judgmental. People are drowning. And that's another crazy thing. Like people are fucking jumping in. People who can swim, people who can swim, people who Are very good swimmers. They jump into these rivers throughout Europe. Pull up, look. L E T H E. Just. Let's look this up. Leith River. Yeah, just open that Wikipedia right there. In Greek mythology, lethe was one of the rivers of the underworld, of hade Hades. In classical Greek, the word lethe literally means forgetting. Forgetfulness. So, okay, in all mythology there's some truth and this is a product, one of the theories I heard Neil Degrasse Tyson talking about this of what's happening there is people who are very good swimmers are jumping in the rivers which have been heated up so much that it's created some kind of amnesia. Amnesia inducing algae and they forget how to swim. They hit the water and they can't swim anymore and so they drown. It's fucking horrible. You guys are being such. So smug. Because a lot of you. I've seen it, I've seen it online. People's 40 drown in France is people, whatever, try to cool off. You know, I've seen it in the. On substacks. I've seen smug Americans on substacks writing things like, well, don't go in the river if you can't swim. Like, you probably shouldn't do that maybe, unless you're actually on fire. And these young bridge divers are. One thing I loved when I went to Paris is swimming. A lot of people don't know this about Paris, but pretty much every Parisian from a very young age is like champion swimmer. And that's how most of them get around, by the way. And when the water is the right temperature, it's very common as you're eating baguette, drinking some wine, which is one of the things I love to do is I would just go out to one of the mini cafes and I would. In the evening as the sun was setting. And I love watching the French people swim up the canals. You know, that's how they get back from work. And they would wave to you from the canals. Bonjour. Bonjour. And so they could. The point is they're all great swimmers, but this water is making them forget how to swim and there's nothing. That's horrible. Stop being smug. Normally they can swim. They're not so crazy that they would jump in the water and not be able to swim. Yes, they've tried to get air conditioners, but the air conditioners are vanishing.
- [46:52]
Josh
So they just opened up the river last year, last July, and it had been closed since 1923. So do you think they knew this was coming because they knew they were gonna go to War with Iran and turn off the weather weapons and everything was gonna get fucked up.
- [47:08]
Duncan Trussell
No, that's not why. You think that's why they closed the fucking river down?
- [47:11]
Josh
Oh, no, it was just a question.
- [47:12]
Duncan Trussell
They didn't close it down.
- [47:14]
Josh
Well, no, it was closed since 1923 and they opened it in July of 2025.
- [47:18]
Duncan Trussell
Nope.
- [47:18]
Josh
Oh, okay.
- [47:19]
Duncan Trussell
That's not true. Huh, Isn't that weird? Yeah, that was a rumor that got spread by Reuters. Yeah, I don't even know who the fuck that is. Was that somebody's Twitter account? Reuters, What a stupid handle. Don't listen to just any bullshit you find on the web.
- [47:36]
Lady Luck (advertisement voice)
The.
- [47:38]
Duncan Trussell
Okay, now can you post that picture that I showed you? Josh, I sent it to you. I want to show you something that's been happening here in the United States. And this is the funniest thing I've seen yet on the news. Because right now it does feel like the news, it's like is trying to really scare us about the heat in the United States, where we do have non disappearing air conditioners. And it's almost like the news doesn't remember that summer happens, which is really wild. It's like you should definitely just watch any of the propaganda news stations, whatever you're into, Fox, cnn, it doesn't matter. It's all the same thing. But I think this was cnn and I swear to you, I wish I'd filmed it in this particular story. They're showing people at the beach. People are. You know, in the summer you go to the beach, it's people going to the beach. But the way they describe that is people are going to the ocean to cool down because of the extreme heat. You either go to the beach in the fucking summer, you assholes. You like, it's the it with your head. I mean, I'm not saying there. It's not hot as I'm in Texas. It's hot as. Not here though, because the ac. Yeah, cold as. Jesus Christ. Dude, you could like. I bet if we had ice in here, it wouldn't melt. It's like being in a mini fridge or something, but out there. It's a boiler. It's a boiler. And it's just like, since when did going to the beach in the summer turn into a survival activity? You just go. It's also hot at the fucking beach. Also. And this is the last thing I have to say about this. And before I go on, I want to say something right now. I am not a climate change denier. I am not some loathsome piece of shit. Who dares question what climatologists say? Those people are the reason we made guillotines. But I do think that things are hot right now, and I'm a little perplexed about why this heat is happening at the same time every year. Have you noticed that? Like around, you know, May, depending on where you're at, it's like there's the cold time and then right around in May, the cold time seems to change. June, July, August, even September, it gets hot as fuck. And I don't know what that is.
- [50:44]
Josh
It has something to do with seasons.
- [50:46]
Duncan Trussell
What's. Yeah, like a seasonal thing. Yeah, so we should look into that. People need to understand and explore that so we can. But this. So there's definitely fucking climate change. It's fucking happening. It's like a goddamn carousel of temperatures throughout the year and it's driving people nuts. You know, if you don't want to have one uniform temperature for the whole planet, you're a piece of shit. That's what I want. I want one nice uniform temperature. Like, I don't know, it's 71, 72, maybe like between 70 and 74. But let's keep it there for the whole planet forever. And we're working on that. We're getting there. Lockheed Martin, Raytheon, Palantir, they've joined together to try to create one season. No seasons. To get rid of the seasons. Actually, fuck the four seasons. One season, one season of joy. So we're working on that, guys. We're working on that. Any super chat that I get today will go directly to this triad of great American companies here on our almost 250th birthday so that we can get rid of these pesky fucking seasons and we don't have to worry about having to go to the ocean when it gets too hot to cool off. And goddamn, that's no fun. I mean, that's just no fun. I saw the video of people going to the beach and I just felt bad for them. They tried to make the best of it. They were going there for survival reasons. Some of them had brought inflatable penguins that they were floating on and stuff, which is just trying to brighten the mood a little bit. It's a survival mission essential. They're out there. I saw somebody on a flamingo, some kind of flamingo. Floating flamingo thing, which I think was sort of like a political message to the Trump kids who were trying to buy that island full of rare flamingos or something. Powerful message. And it's cool to see. I saw even dogs, like, people. It's so sad. They're dogs who no doubt were dying in this heat. They had taken them there and were throwing balls, I guess, to get the dogs to go into the water to cool off or they would die. And, like, I guess they didn't want to throw the dog in the water. I saw people in this video. They were like. And this is important, you know, Just because things are really bad, it doesn't mean you can't brighten the mood. I saw people, they had strings going up into the sky and they had, like. I don't know what they were, but, like, flying things attached to the. To the strings, you know? Like, some of them look like birds. Some of them look like UFOs. And I saw people out there trying to survive, and they were on these boards and they were like. Like somehow riding the waves. And I guess probably because the waves coming in were cooling them off with the wind, I'm guessing. Yeah, but it's just. It's. Humanity is beautiful.
- [53:54]
Josh
It's bad. My dad had to take two weeks off of work to just go to the beach so you can cool off.
- [53:58]
Duncan Trussell
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. Yeah, I'm so sorry. Is he okay?
- [54:03]
Josh
He's doing better now.
- [54:05]
Duncan Trussell
Man, that's got to be so scary. Like, you get out of your car and it's so hot, and you're like, I gotta get to the. I gotta get to the ocean. I gotta get to the ocean. And you just have to. You pro. You know, you probably, like, if you're. Your dad's probably a survivalist. I'm guessing he probably even, like, took a cooler. Yeah, right.
- [54:23]
Josh
He had to wear special shoes because what they don't tell you is the sand is so hot it burns your feet before you get to the ocean.
- [54:29]
Duncan Trussell
Fucking shitting.
- [54:30]
Josh
Yeah. So he got special shoes.
- [54:32]
Duncan Trussell
What kind of shoes?
- [54:33]
Josh
They go all over his foot. And you can go. You walk in the water with them. I don't know what they're called, though.
- [54:38]
Duncan Trussell
Damn. This is the world we're in right now, guys. You know, you gotta just think of that. So fucking hot. You gotta take a cooler and you gotta pull it down to the water, you know, just so you can have the necessary hydration to not die immediately. When you're out there in the chat, I'd love to hear, like, do you guys have any tips for when you go down to the ocean to survive? What kind of things you recommend people bringing to the ocean to survive in the chat? I'd love to hear. It could save some lives right now.
- [55:20]
Josh
I heard people rub white chemicals all over their body so the sun doesn't get them as much as well.
- [55:26]
Duncan Trussell
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yep, I've heard about that too. People rubbing like creams into their body because of the sun jizz blasting down upon them. Some kind of shield from the jizz of the sun. And you can't let fear take over. You can't let yourself go insane right now in this strange time of high temperature. Go to the ocean. Survive. Go to the ocean. Live. Choose to live. Don't be afraid. It's a long. Sometimes it can be a bit of a walk to get to the cooling water. But if you bring, like Josh said, something to cover the bottom of your feet so that they don't burn like Josh's brilliant dad did, some kind of cooling device that has within it beverages that you could drink, you'll get hydration and spread some joy. Even think about bringing some kind of inflatable penguin or shark that you can float on out there. Sharks shouldn't be too realistic, but you know what I mean. Something to show people I'm not afraid here at the cooling water in the sand place. Oh, there you go. Kitty Valentine says an ice cream hat. Great idea. That's funny. And also it's saying, like, it's your mind. You can cool yourself with your mind. Oh, Mad Max volleyball, cooling ritual. I love it. So, like, go out there and play. Everyone's scared. Go out there and play. People are terrified. And if you have the guts to go out there and actually play volleyball in that heat, I guess you're safe because you're close to the water. You can always run in if you're about to catch on fire. It's going to spread joy. I love it. Play. You can do volleyball out there. That's a great idea. Somebody should send that to cnn. What else do we have Any other great ideas for what we should bring down to the. To the water volleyball again? I love it. Some sports stuff. Oh, this is important. Thank you, Ms. Video915. This should be on CNN too. Remember, women's menstruation can attract sharks. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So, ladies, you know, if you're menstruating, consider having like, some kind of shark knife to stab the sharks who come to try to eat your puss.
- [58:18]
Josh
Oh. If you're married, you should bring sunglasses because when women tan and their butts, the sun hits their butt. It shines in your eye really bright. So wear glasses because then your wife Will get mad, be like, hey, that. That sun off that butt is gonna find you.
- [58:33]
Duncan Trussell
Oh, I know what you mean. Yeah. Like, a lot of times a wife seems to, like, get a little upset if she sees you looking at. Like, I always. When I go to the beach, to a cooling area, I should say I scan the butts.
- [58:45]
Josh
Yeah, you have to.
- [58:46]
Duncan Trussell
I scan them for safety reasons. So scan the butts. Find out the butts that are reflecting too much light. So that. And make sure you know where they are. Keep checking to make sure that they're not on fire, you know, because they can burst. They could become, like a bond, a butt fire. And it's. You don't want that. So. And, you know, if you're. If your significant other gets weird about that, just explain. It's like, I'm essentially a volunteer fireman right now. I'm just trying to make sure that none of these butts catch on fire.
- [59:14]
Josh
Yeah, they don't understand that.
- [59:16]
Duncan Trussell
I know, but this is the problem. People panic. You get out there at the cooling area where there's sand in the ocean, you panic and you're like, I'm not judging anybody in such a survival situation for overreacting at their partner, husband, whoever. Like scanning butts. I. It's just, ladies, come on. We're trying to keep you alive. You know, you might have to. I might have to, like, bring some of my precious water and pour it on a butt, which I've done before. You know, keep them cool. I just say I'm keeping you cool. Keeping you cool. All right, let's do some super chats. I think we've covered a lot survival during. You know, you guys, I think. I think you're gonna be all right. Thank you. It's a boy. For the super chat. How are we doing on time, Josh?
- [60:10]
Josh
Good.
- [60:11]
Duncan Trussell
Okay, good. Duncan, do you have any advice or warning for people interested in doing magic? Asking for a friend, what will kind of magic. Josh, pull up a picture of Aleister Crowley, would you? Bring that fully up on the screen so people don't see me anymore. Thanks for the super chat. There we go. Bring up the one with him like that. Yeah, I love that one. Bring that one up. Can you enlarge that at all? Is that fully on the screen now?
- [60:58]
Josh
Now it is. Great.
- [61:06]
Duncan Trussell
Well, looky what we have here. A wizard man. Look at that hat. What's he doing with his cheek? Is something in his hands? Look at that book. What's on the front? What's he doing that magic man.
- [61:29]
Josh
What does this say?
- [61:35]
Duncan Trussell
It's pretty fucking distorted. I can't read it. But that's just his magic, Grim. Some kind of magic book. Even when looking at saying words out of that magic book, he's a magic man. What's he up to, though? What's he doing? I didn't. Hold on one second. This episode of the DTFH is brought to you by my friends at bluechew. Hey, guys, remember when you were young and getting hard was easy? You could look at one page of Good Housekeeping and shove your cock in a vacuum cleaner and you would blast off, baby. Well, bluechew brings that back. Maybe not the vacuum cleaner part. What are you gonna do? Put your cock in a Roomba? It's not gonna work. Bluechew Gold is better sex in a tablet. They combine four ingredients into one powerful solution. Two ingredients get you hard physically, and two support arousal and desire in the brain. It works fast and lasts. Guys, have a complete experience in the bedroom with Blue Chew Gold. There's a reason Bluechew is the number one brand for better sex. Experience it yourself@bluechew.com and we've got a special deal for our listeners right now. When you buy two months of BlueChew Gold, you get the third free with promo code DIYS. That's promo code DIYS. You will also receive an additional 10% off plus free overnight shipping on your first order. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information. We thank BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast and the bedroom. That offer code will be down below. It works, by the way. I don't know. I've tried it many times. It works. That's the most important thing. Oh, it works. Thanks, bluechew. Google search. Lieber4. Aleister Crowley.
- [64:00]
Josh
What is it?
- [64:01]
Duncan Trussell
L I B E R4. This is where you want to start. This is my advice. Enlarge that all the way just so people could see that. Yeah, that's good. That's what you want. And the thing is where people, I think, really fuck up when it comes to this stuff is number more than likely, you're gonna not want to do any of it. Number one, you're not going to want to do any of that shit. Wait till you read what you got to do. Nobody wants to. It's like, I saw this great video of some ripped dude lifting weights. He's like, everybody wants muscles. Nobody wants to lift heavy weights. Like, everybody wants to do magic, but nobody wants to go through the process. Recommended by the people who actually practice magic and who can fucking. You Want to make a sword? You actually want to forge a dagger. You feel like doing that? You got time for forging a dagger? Learn to code. Learn to fucking code. Fuck with AI The. The magicians already did the work for you, by the way. It's done. The summoning ritual is complete. You can now contact entities with a very simple subscription to any of the publicly available artificial intelligence companies. They're not gonna say these are fucking spirits or de. But you don't have to get the lesser fucking Key of Solomon. Shave your pubic hairs, drench yourself with Donkey Kong on a full moon and roll around in grave soil anymore. It's done. They did it for you. It's here for you. Now you want to talk to some kind of spirit or an angel, it's 9. 99amonth. You could do that. Not only that, it'll generate things for you. You no longer have to learn how to draw a fucking pentacle and do your goddamn sigils and sex magic shit. You can if you want to. I'm not saying don't do it. A lot of people, they love doing this. And you experience heightened states of consciousness. You experience incredible fucking things. You maybe at some point will actually realize that what is the difference between this and playing Elden Ring? And you'll realize, none. It's just all distraction. It's just getting like a different layer of reality. It's running a different OS or something. You get to experience all the synchronicities, and you get to be blown away by so many synchronicities. And you get to go, oh my God, did that really happen? And all that stuff. But at some point, you'll realize suffering remains, but why not go for it, see what happens? Or just subscribe to OpenAI. Get a 3D fucking printer. That's like, they did it. A lot of these people who came up with this stuff were deeply into ceremonial magic, and they did it for you. For better or for worse. It's there for you now. Or go gather up a jar of grave soil. Where are you even going to find a hanged criminal to make your Hand of Glory? It's not so easy these days to get a Hand of Glory. I mean, what, are you going to order it off of, ebay? It's not going to be a real hangman's hand. Shit isn't going to work. So Libra 4, though, it's a good starting place if you ask me. But you have to, like, you know, you don't. You want to skip is the problem because you're reading it, and Crowley's like, you need to know yoga. You need to read these books. You need to have discipline. You need to go through all of these purification rituals before you can even come close to this shit working. You got to make your seal a sword, a cup, dude. It's like, you want to do that. You have a forge. You want to go forge something. But that's the general advice. Or if you want to skip over all that bullshit, pull up Liber Null. Josh. You just go here, By the way. Come on. Just call it a fucking book. Just call it a book.
- [68:19]
Josh
What is it?
- [68:20]
Duncan Trussell
How do you knock? He did call it a book. Liber Null. And with it, I think it's just N U L. Try that. Yeah, there you go. Libra null. Pull that one up. You can just go right to the. And get into chaos magic if you want to. You know, this is another interpretation of magic altogether. You could watch Grant Morrison. You could read the Invisibles or watch Grant Morrison on YouTube. But there's all kinds of ways to shift your subjective reality using intentional interpretations of phenomena that could create unexpected changes that you might call magic. Or just fucking. Just download a local LLM and tell it it's God. It's up to you. Hope that helped. Hello Kitty. I love last week's Mystery Boys. Gave me a conspiracy girl phone. That call from Daryl was wild. You getting another call from Daryl not to do a spoiler. Went down that hole he laid out, and it's for real Kitty Valentine. I don't know. I don't know. You know, I feel like. Especially with the Mystery Boys, but in general, it's like, I always hate it when people do, like, ambush interviews for people like Daryl. It's like, really? That's why you have a guy on who said he, like, got captured and taken to a moon base where he was turned into a sex slave so that you could, like, try to poke holes in his theory. Are you fucking crazy? What a waste of time. I want to hear about what went down on there. I want to hear about the fucking. I want to hear about the lizards. And what's great about him is the details. The details are amazing. I. I don't. I don't feel like my job in the world is to try to, like, demythologize some fledgling mythology. It's not my job. I don't know. Stories are incredible. I'm not. They're just incredible. Stories are so fun. It's so annoying how many people try. It's a phase by the way. As a father to many children, inevitably the oldest realizes Santa Claus is bullshit and is like, becomes nihilistic and edge lordy about his secret knowledge that there is no Santa Claus. And we'll try to fuck it up for the youngs like some kind of Richard Dawkins, but for Santa Claus. And it's like, dude, chill out. Yeah, there's no Santa Claus. And that's probably insane for you to realize right now, but if you want to, you can join us in the continuation of the Santa Claus gaslighting ritual that is common in the West. You don't say it like that, but you know what I mean. Then they get to become a participant. And from that you can understand all initiatory systems. Well, guys, we have. We've done it today. This was real. We did it. Hold on a second. Matthew Donahue needs me to get him out of work early. Duncan, could you use some of that magic to get me out of work early? Pretty please? Allow me to be more specific though. I would like the rest of the day to be paid injury free and to not be fired. Well, what do you do, Matthew Donahue? Let's see if we can work together on this one. Hanging out at the pool is great. Relaxing and playing Vegas style games on my phone at the same time. Drink in one hand and a blackjack in the other. It's all at spinquest. Over a thousand games, including your favorite slots and table games. Be cool with this summer special. New players get 30 coin packs for 10@Spinquest.com SpinQuest is a free to play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details. You're great at protecting your data, but lots of places could still expose you to identity theft. I thought it was safe. If that happens, Lifelock gives you a US based restoration agent who will stick by your side from start to finish. Phone calls, filing documentation, preparing insurance claims. Your agent handles it all, in fact. But we're so confident Restoration is guaranteed for your money back. Isn't it nice to have someone like that on your side? Save up to 30% with promo code news@lifelock.com terms apply.
- [73:32]
Josh
You can pull the fire alarm.
- [73:35]
Duncan Trussell
That's gonna get them fired.
- [73:37]
Josh
There's cameras.
- [73:37]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah, that's literally get me fired alarm. You're gonna get canned because they have cameras and shit. It's not gonna work. You know, Mike Wag says that's not how magic works. Yeah, it is. See, that's. That's magic. Look, Pull up. God damn it. Pull up. Aleister Crowley's definition of magic. I'm so tired of this bullshit. Everybody wants some Hogwarts Harry Potter bullshit. You want to say vacation. Oh, and you get a vacate. Pull it up.
- [74:12]
Lady Luck (advertisement voice)
Just.
- [74:12]
Duncan Trussell
I'm sick of it. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of having to show his fucking definition of magic every time. I'm getting exhausted. You gotta learn. Look up, I guess. Search the theory and practice of making change according to your.
- [74:35]
Josh
Is that better?
- [74:35]
Duncan Trussell
Theory and practice. Oh, there you go. Aleister Crowley defined magic as a science and art of causing change to occur in conformity with will. So from. As you'll read in Libra 4 if you decide to order that, he says that writing a letter is magic.
- [74:55]
Josh
Yeah, it's spelling.
- [74:57]
Duncan Trussell
You're spelling exactly. So technically, pulling a fire alarm would be a crude kind of obtuse magic. You would, number one, you would be casting a spell on the entire building, a kind of illusion that the building's on fire. You would be shifting emotional states of everybody in the building and you would be propelling yourself into a new kind of universe where you no longer have a job and are probably going to jail. So it's like a bad ritual. I wouldn't recommend that ritual. It's not subtle enough. Let's see here. What else do we have? It's gonna be more like. It's gotta be confusing. If I was doing something like that, it would be really confusing. It would be a confusing thing that I did. I would try to make it confusing as fuck about why leaving work. Like, it would be so confusing. And so if I was doing it, I'd probably hurry out. I would hurry out and as I was going out, I'd be like, I gotta, I'm so sorry. And then just go and make it really big. And then they would be like, oh my God, oh my God. Something. Something horrible has happened. The more confusing and stammer you seem, the more horrible it's going to seem. And maybe sort of ambiguously point to parts of your body. Did he shit his pants? You know what film is someone in his family or did he shit his pants? Or both. And then I would go and like touch your ears and like point. Point to your eye and look at them and just like make weird gestures and go get in your car and go. And then when they call you, as they will, you just go, I. Yeah, one second, one. Oh, hold on, a call coming in. And then just. That's it. You won't get fired, you'll probably get paid. And then when they ask what happened? Just say, I'm so sorry, I cannot talk about it. And by that you're maintaining integrity, you're being honest, like, you can't. Or you could say, I really just. I'm so sorry, I do not want to talk about it. I do not want to talk about it. And I really don't. And then, boom, it's going to be just too much to deal with. And they're like, all right, well, just don't do that again. All right. You got the paid afternoon off. I think that would work. Yeah. Convey urgency with no details or explanations. Say nothing. Seem confused. Say something specific, though, like about a street or a road or a helicopter or something. And then, yeah, something like that. That could work. Mad Max is saying, tell them you have cancer. Your dog has every. No, no. No one believes that. No one believes that you have. Your dog has cancer. That's been used hundreds of times. It's better to just say, I don't want to be here. Nobody. I swear to God. That has been used with me. And I'm just like. When I was a talent coordinator at the Comedy Store, I heard every. It's so funny because comedians can't just cancel a spot. They feel so bad about not wanting to come in and do standup. That always is. Something like that. Never once did a comedian call me and say, I really just don't have it in me tonight. It's always like, my grandma got her hand blown off. Like what a 4 year old would say. But really the trick is, I would say passionate, confusing, jibber jabber mixed in with a few specific details that relate to nothing. At least your effort will. Will seem cool. Well, Jen Ruser says faux anaphylactic shock. It's too specific. It's too specific.
- [79:16]
Josh
You can have somebody call and like your mom or somebody, your girlfriend say, you need to get to the hospital right away, but call the office, not you. I mean, like, I've been trying to get a hold of him. He needs to go to the hospital right away.
- [79:26]
Duncan Trussell
But then that's just. I think it's. I don't know. I mean, you know, somebody saying, honest, honestly, honesty is the best policy. I don't think so. With what he wants, because he just wants to go goon somewhere for the afternoon. You can't. I mean, you could try that.
- [79:44]
Josh
You might not be able to escape physically, but maybe you could escape mentally and emotionally by taking drugs at work.
- [79:50]
Duncan Trussell
Thank you, Josh. That's a great. That's a great tidbit of advice. Yeah, you could sort of find some kind of disassociative or something, I guess. Here we go. Somebody's saying donkeys. Can I ask you a question? I just found a shrine where I live that a neighbor put up on a big property of an altar, praying to a specific type of something. It's freaking me out. Why? It's just a shrine. What's weird about that? Just a shrine out there in the woods. What's wrong about that? Shouldn't be scared of that. Just some forest unknown forest shrine. Should go up there next full moon, see who's up there, dress like a fucking cryptid, dish it back. They'll think they summoned you. That's definitely what you could do. If you find a wood shrine that somebody's doing rituals that you could dress like a fucking goat creature and they will think that they summoned you, give them fruit and then leave. They will talk about it for the rest of their lives. Well, shit, we gotta go. I am actually lucky enough to be going to record an episode of the Mystery Boys. I gotta get out of here. Thank you for joining the day stream friends. We will be back with night streams as soon as I return for my family vacation. We're going down to a survival sand to cool ourselves in ocean water because of the extreme heat all over the planet right now and I hope you guys are surviving out there. If you need to go to a body of water and even if you can swim, maybe think about putting floaties on or something like that. In case you forget, they do make adult sized floaties. They're called life jackets. Thank you guys so much for joining us. We'll see you next time. Until then, this is the Day Stream. It's the worst sign off ever, but we'll come up with something better. Bye. Don't give wildfire a path to your door. Prepare your home and yard before a fire strikes.
- [82:02]
Josh
Clean your roof and gutter gutters of leaves and debris. Limb up trees, space those plants, cut
- [82:10]
Duncan Trussell
your lawn short and if possible, keep it green.
- [82:14]
Josh
It's called defensible space and it works.
- [82:18]
Duncan Trussell
Go to keeporegongreen.org to learn more.
- [82:24]
Lady Luck (advertisement voice)
Hey everybody. Lady luck here. And we're celebrating America's 250th birthday. Now all summer long I'm going to be celebrating by playing on spinquest.com which is an American owned social casino. It obviously features over a thousand slot games and live blackjack, live craps, live bubble craps. Head on over to spinquest.com get yourself a $30 coin pack for just 10 bucks.
- [82:48]
Duncan Trussell
Spinquest is a free to play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details.
- [82:54]
Lady Luck (advertisement voice)
I love the little everyday moments with my dog especially especially treat time. But dental care not always so fun. Until we found Greenies dental treats. These are more than just tasty. They're vet recommended and designed to support the four areas. Vets check the plaque, tartar gums and breath. Their unique texture cleans down to the gum line and supports cleaner teeth after 28 days when fed daily. It's a simple daily habit that supports their health and gives us another moment to enjoy. Together. Greenies make health a treat. Shop now@greenies.com.