764: Wired Monkey Momma

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Duncan Trussell Family Hour

Episode 764: Wired Monkey Momma

Date: August 2, 2026
Host: Duncan Trussell
Producer: Josh

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Episode Overview

In this freewheeling, stream-of-consciousness solo episode (with frequent interjections from producer Josh), Duncan Trussell explores the modern human condition through the lens of technology, nostalgia, philosophy, and comedy. The episode dives into topics like social media addiction, the longing for real human connection, dystopian corporate culture, the famous "wire monkey mother" experiment, and the spectacle of public scandals—culminating in humorous, reflective, and at times absurd tangents.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Struggle for Authenticity in a Hyperconnected World

• The illusion of preference and authenticity:
  • Duncan riffs on the human desire to define, name, and prefer things only to lose connection with their true selves.
  • He draws on Zen anecdotes—

    "A great Zen master was on one side of a river, and his student was on the other... and the master said, 'You are on the other side, motherfucker.'" (03:58)

  • Modern life is painted as people pretending to want things they don’t, all in the pursuit of validation, often mediated through algorithms and followers.
• On social media fame:

  "I heard a kid say, I want to be famous. Why?... You want to just sit there and have people stare at your ass? You don't even know what you want." (05:16)

2. Social Media as “Wire Monkey Momma”

• Monkey grooming analogy:
  • Duncan discusses how chimps groom each other as an act of real intimacy—connecting this to our lost human rituals ("Now we groom each other online in all forms of the term... It replaced a ritual of intimacy…” 10:38)
• Harlow’s wire monkey mother experiment:
  • A central metaphor for the podcast. Duncan equates our relationship to technology/social media as clinging to an artificial, loveless “parent”:

    "Nothing has summed up the human condition better. Than Harlow's fucking shit experiment. Where he took this little poor baby monkey's mama away, replaced it with this abomination... And Mama. That's his mama. That's who he thinks his mama is. Look at that. Paws right on that fucking thing. There's social media for you. There's your Facebook. There's your Instagram." (12:18)

  • He laments our collective spiritual malnutrition, reaching for digital “milk” that doesn’t nurture.

3. Escapism and Numbness: News, Nostalgia, and Entertainment

• Addictive scrolling and “feargasms”
  • "You're goonin on the toilet, you're goonin in your car, you're goonin at the airports, you're goonin everywhere. Staring down into that screen, looking for something. Oh, something is gonna make me feel better." (13:50)
• TV slop versus reading
  • Duncan and Josh bemoan the lack of quality content on TV, turning instead to nostalgia ("X-Men 97"), and rediscovering “reading” as a “player piano for your brain.” (35:25–36:21)
  • Hot take: "Books are better than movies. Hey, there's a lot of bad stuff on tv. Hey, don't look at your phone. Wow, I'm really rocking it to the core, everyone." (38:10)

4. Self-Improvement & Artificiality: Looksmaxing/Lip Injections Segment

• Stretch Armstrong, Clavicula, and the pursuit of beauty:
  • Duncan hilariously condemns facial modification trends, equating overdone lip injections to toys and baboon butts.

    "What the fuck did you do to your lips? Why'd you do it? You had wonderful lips before. Now your lips look like one of them dam baboon butts." (25:25)

  • But ultimately embraces body autonomy:

    "Number one, and I mean this from the very depth of my heart. It's your body. You do whatever the you want to do with it." (38:28)

5. Money, Parenting, and Learning in a Changing World

• Parenting in the digital and financial age:
  • Jokingly plugs Cash App’s kid accounts while riffing on the difficulties in teaching kids about money and the dying tradition of cash. (20:21)
• Self-acceptance and navigating regrets:

  “You never think about all the things you've accomplished. You never think about all the sweet things you've done... Instead, you're always thinking about the way you fucked up... Next thing you know, you're filled up with Botox.” (23:55)

6. Listener Questions, Superchats & Offbeat Jokes

• Community interaction:
  • Advice on journaling, meditation (including on Adderall: "Try to not be spiritual... You're having a spiritual experience. It's called human existence." (42:51)), and playful math problems (How many chihuahuas can fit in a school bus? ~30,000!)
  • Extended, comical calculation:

    “You could stuff 30,000 Chihuahuas into a school bus, approximately.” (60:29)

  • Playful banter about podcast production and the role of superchats/donations.

7. “Agenda-Free TV”, Doomscrolling, & the Spectacle of Crisis

• Watching the war/doom out of boredom:
  • Duncan discusses turning to “apocalypse updates” (Agenda-Free TV) at night out of boredom with “slop” on TV—highlighting the contradictory impulse to both shun and depend on fear-inducing media. (34:03)
• Meta-reflection:

  “Maybe I shouldn't be watching it based on everything I just said” (30:42)

8. The Fauci Hearings & Pandemic Disillusionment (69:07–73:54)

• Recap of hearing spectacle:
  • Duncan and Josh review the recent “Fauci hearings”—a political spectacle where Dr. Anthony Fauci repeatedly pleads the Fifth in response to aggressive questioning about his actions during COVID-19.
  • Duncan improvises increasingly absurd legal refusals (“on the advice of shadows, I respectfully decline repentance based upon the throne under the fifth commandment of the black Dominion.” 73:14)
  • Analysis is cynical:

    "Just another fucking stupid thing they threw into the pig cage for the old pigs to snort about. We don't have to watch this game. Goddamn bougie. Just fall guy for the whole goddamn state. Give me a break..." (73:54)

  • Reflects on his own susceptibility to pandemic propaganda and the paradox of “defending science” through enforced conformity.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On spiritual survival:

  "You deserve it. You think you don't have it. You've got it. You can't believe it. It can't be me. It's you." (27:09)

• On self-loathing and Botox:

  "You're always thinking about the way you fucked up... Maybe you'll make yourself better. Next thing you know, you're filled up with Botox and your lips are puffed like some kind of undersea beast." (23:55)

• On collective hysteria:

  "It was a mass hysteria event. Not to say he didn't get... he made so much money apparently from it... I thought, all right, great, this Fauci dude's on the case. He's gonna fix everything. I guess masks are what we need or what. What we should be wearing. I'm just a dumb piece of shit. I just bought into it, you know, it seemed fishy and weird, but it's like, I don't wanna say anything publicly about it because I didn't wanna have my life destroyed." (75:02)

• On the search for connection:

  "We want somebody to pick bugs out of our hair, tell us it's gonna be okay. We want somebody to pick bugs out of our hair and love us enough to eat them. Bugs that been eating us. That's what we want." (11:49)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• The river parable & authenticity — 01:05–05:16
• Wanting/fame & “manifesting” anxiety — 05:16–06:56
• Wire Monkey Mom & social media as false nurturer — 10:38–14:09
• Lip injections, Looksmaxing, Stretch Armstrong — 25:09–27:09
• Parenting, Money, Cash App plug — 20:21–23:55
• Agenda-Free TV & Doomscrolling — 30:39–38:10
• Chihuahua school bus math comedy — 57:10–60:47
• Fauci hearing satire — 68:55–73:54
• Meditation and Adderall — 42:51–43:39
• Night stream and studio update — 49:05–52:41
• Podcast wrap-up and community shout-outs — 85:13–86:04

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Tone & Style

• Playfully philosophical, irreverent, and self-deprecating
• Merges Buddhist/Zen wisdom with pop culture absurdity and personal anecdotes
• Freely shifts between insightful social commentary, satirical Takes, and outright comedic bits

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Useful For

This summary is excellent for anyone seeking an accessible, entertaining, and thought-provoking account of Duncan's exploratory “day stream”—especially his uniquely comedic reflections on deep topics like existential confusion, the impact of technology on intimacy, and how to maintain a sense of self in overwhelming times.

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Final Takeaway:
The real “Wired Monkey Momma” isn’t just social media or tech addiction—it’s the persistent, yearning part of us seeking connection and nurture in a digitized, artificial world. But, as Duncan puts it, the recognition of confusion and longing is itself a form of enlightenment. And sometimes, the answer is to laugh, look up from the screen, and notice you’re already on the other side.

Transcript

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Duncan Trussell]

E terms and conditions 21 plus, I'm doing shows coming up specifically, I believe the next show is in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Hyenas Comedy Nightclub. August 14th and 15th, two days only. Then after that, heading to Seattle, Washington, Emerald City Comedy Club, then headed to Dallas. Hyenas. Can't wait. And then I'm back. Oh, wait. Phoenix, Arizona. My October, 2nd, 3rd, 2nd, 3rd shows ain't happening because I don't know if I can say that. Cut that out. Maybe I'm not supposed to say that, all right? But I'll be back there eventually and then I'm gonna be. That's enough. Those are enough dates for now.

[Duncan Trussell (solo monologue)]

It's good to have y' all back here again here in the precious dtfh, the day stream, as we're calling it these days. Call it whatever you want. It's just a name. That's what humans try to do. They try to name things, get control over, get some sense that this is that and that is this. And that's where all the trouble starts. You see, the great way is not difficult for they who hold no preference. All we're taught is preference from the moment we're born. You want this or you don't want that, and you shouldn't want that, but you should want that. And if you want that, then you need to do this to get that, and to get that, you're gonna have to not have that, which you won't. But to want is the thing you need to do if you need to get to where you want to go. Even though that's not where you really want to go, but you pretend you do. And that's where all the trouble starts. You just can't be yourself. You just can't be who you are. You're out there getting your Botox treatments, doing your sit ups, your pull ups, or wishing you were doing your sit ups and your pull up, saying goodbye to your friends, moving on down to meet new friends that you'll say goodbye to. And the whole time you have no idea what's going on. Sleepwalking, dreaming, like some kind of shambling zombie wandering through the Matrix. Where will I go next? You wonder. You don't know. And so you pretend you have a place you want to go, even though you can't get anywhere or be anywhere because you're already there, which is here. This temporal destination is unreachable because you've already reached it. No joke goes like this. A great Zen master was on one side of a river, and his student was on the other side of the river. And his student called out to the master, saying, I want to get to the other side. And the master said, you are on the other side, motherfucker. It always makes me laugh. It always makes me laugh. Give me those thumbs up. And the likes and the hearts and the stars, bring them in. Bring my children home. To all the audio listeners out there, I hope you forgive me for the many solo episodes. I don't know if y' all like em or hate em anymore. I don't know. I don't know if I like em or hate em. Need to get some guests in here, do some classic interviews. But then on the other hand, do I? You have to wonder to yourself, what are you supposed to do here? Homogenize yourself. Become like every goddamn motherfuckin thing. Have the same damn guests on over and over again, Turn into a kind of drool and homogenized drizzle. Going for the views, going for the laugh, going for that monetization. Is that who you want to be? Is that what we become? Is that who we are now? Was it that easy? When I was a young lad flopping around in my teenage years, we recognized the encroaching hell of corporations. Oh, we did. But we never thought it would get to this level. We never imagined that humanity could be so easily puppeteered. We never could imagine that. And yet here we are. Here we are, little, little chickens in a Skinner box pecking at the fucking cocaine button over and over again, hoping to get that blast, that boost. Some of us are crazy enough, we want to be famous. I heard that the other day. I heard a kid say, I want to be famous. Why?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Why?

[Duncan Trussell (solo monologue)]

You want to just sit there and have people stare at your ass? You don't even know what you want. Why would you? You're supposed to have to want something. You want to want something. That's the strangest one of all. You hear the manifestation, people talking about, you know, manifest what you want. You're like, I don't think I want anything. Then you feel like an outsider because you're fine. I shouldn't be fine. Should be all freaked out and scared, what's wrong with me? And then you get Freaked out and scared because you want to fit in. Next thing you know, you're manifesting freaked out and scared shit. It started off with you realizing you were okay enough that you didn't need to do some goddamn manifestation bullshit so you could get some beautiful lady sitting on your face and suffocating you while a chimp pounds your balls. Classic fantasy. Everyone has it. Everyone has that fantasy. So you get confused, you get sad, you get angry. I don't know if you've been on the interwebs lately, but they're pissed right now. Everywhere you look, people are really mad. It's begun a toxic cesspool on there. Why wouldn't it be? You don't go on the goddamn thing. You feel like an outsider. You don't know what's going on. If you're not going on, you go on. You might as well go stick your precious member through a hole in Satan's wall. You don't even want to know what's slurping on you. But you know it ain't good. Cause it doesn't feel right.

[Duncan Trussell]

Cold.

[Duncan Trussell (solo monologue)]

Too many teeth. And you keep doing it, though, because everyone else is. You look down the long wall of people humping that wall on their knees, slurping on the promiscuous of unknown Lovecraftian eldritch horrors protruding through the liminal space between what we are and what our subconscious is. Slurping away. Slurping away at the drooling probosci attached to God knows what. Filling up your guts with the seed of demons and then burping fear into the world. That's what we've dealt with. A goddess. They got us. You look at those cute little adorable chimpanzees picking mites out of their hair in a show of profound love. You ever see them videos, Josh? What the hell are you looking at there? Pull up. I told you earlier I have this. Ready? Pull up. Chimps grooming each other just so people know what I'm talking about. This is what we came from. 98% chimpanzee DNA, apparently. Pull it up. We lost the cute, that's for sure. The Anunnaki bred out our cuteness. Pull it up. Not to say humans aren't cute. There's some real cuties out there. And I'm not trying to be negative. In fact, it's gonna be the most positive DTFH solo episode that's ever been done, believe it or not. Yeah. There. You just pull up that beautiful baboon grooming. Look at how sweet that thing is. Oh, that feels good. Oh, yeah. Get that thing out there, Tick, won't you got a little louse here. Pull that out. Get that thing out. Yeah, just pull up another one. I hate YouTube shorts. Another affront to humanity itself delivered by YouTube. You gotta turn that shit off. Nobody likes them. There we go. I need a nice long chimp grooming session. Oh, that feels good. For the listeners right now are watching these two beautiful chimpanzees groom. One's a groomer and the other stroking his hair. Just looking in there for any kind of bug. A little anything that could be an irritant. He's finding something. What's he got? Oh, what we got? Oh, I'll eat that one. Mmm, juicy. Why not? Oh, yeah. What's out there? He says you never know. Why the fuck are we in this cage? This doesn't seem right. We were born in here, but goddamn, something seems off. You know, Based on our strength and everything, why are we. Oh, let me take another look here. Oh, dear Leo. Oh, God. You got a lot of these little bugs and fleas. Hold still now. Pick this one off with love and care. Let me just see here. Pick. Oh, I'm gonna eat that one now. Just straight down the pops. Yeah. And you see in the background there, you got a jealous one. This jealous one here. The asses of always freak me out. Now that's us right there. Keep on. Find another chimp grooming video, Josh. There should be hundreds of hours. So what they do all day, they groom each other. Grooming. Look at that. Another word. Stolen. Used to be nice to be groomed. Now it means you're gonna end up on a fucking island with a bunch of Reptilians. Now look at that. Will you groom me? He says, oh, yeah. I love you. Look how sweet they are to each other. Grooming away now. Turn it off, Josh. That's all we are right there. We want to be. We want somebody to pick bugs out of our hair, tell us it's gonna be okay. We want somebody to pick bugs out of our hair and love us enough to eat them. Bugs that been eating us. That's what we want. That's what we want. And so they did it. Another thing they'd done taken from us. Now we groom each other online in all forms of the term positive grooming or terrible grooming. And we've been. It's replaced. It replaced a ritual of intimacy where you would gather together with your friends and pick bugs off of each other out of pure love. That's what the boys Used to do. Now the boys game, they don't pick bugs. Maybe the way you pick bugs now is you press a heart. Now, you better be put the hearts and thumbs up. Groom me. Now I need a groom. That's what it is. It replaced intimacy. Don't you see it? Pull up that wire, Josh. I want you to pull up something for me now. I'm sorry. Can you. Josh, will you pull up wire monkey Mom? You want to see something horrible? I'll show you. I've talked about it before. Pull up wire, monkey Mom, I'm not supposed to do that on here right now. Pull that up and take me off the screen for a minute there, Josh. This motherfucker.

[Duncan Trussell]

Harlow.

[Duncan Trussell (solo monologue)]

Look at that shit. Pause right there. Look at that. Nothing has summed up the human condition better. Than Harlow's fucking shit experiment. Where he took this little poor baby monkey's mama away, replaced it with this abomination. And this poor little baby fucking monkey clung to it like a raft in the ocean. And Mama. That's his mama. That's who he thinks his mama is. Look at that. Paws right on that fucking thing. There's social media for you. There's your Facebook. There's your Instagram. There it is right there. A wide fucking monkey made out of goddamn bicycle reflectors. That's what it is. That ain't your mama. And we all want it, yours truly included. Clinging to that thing, slurping down that wool, whatever the towel that shit is wrapped around what appears to be a soap rack. Slurping on it. Hoping to get just a little taste of something real. And we're emaciated and fucked up now, spiritually drained. A tourniquet wrapped around the juggle of vein that connects us to the divine. Now. Put it back on for one more second, Josh. Thank you. Look at it again. And so it is. But you see, if you want to know where you're going, you gotta know where you are. And if you want to get out of a prison, you gotta recognize you're in a damn prison first. That's the way out. You gotta understand what's going on. You gotta look deep into your own needs. Why you goonin so much at night? While you goonin'. While you're goonin. And I don't just mean goonin in the classic sense. You're goonin'. You go ahead and judge the Gooners. You're goonin just as much as them. When you're on your TikTok, looking for something to scare you. You're trying to get A feargasm. You're trying to get a little feargasm going. It don't matter. You just want a rush of the brain juice. They got us again. The YouTube assassin. We don't know why it happens. Got an excellent connection here. So it seems. Down in this basement. Doesn't matter. You get my point. Here we are approaching the end of summer. I hope you had a good one. Sun baked and sun roasted. Tanned. Maybe not. Here we are. Yet again. Soon the leaves will begin to fall from the trees and the birdies will fly away. And there you are, unaware of any of it. You don't even know what day it is, maybe. And you're up there goonin. You're goonin on the toilet, you're goonin in your car, you're goonin at the airports, you're goonin everywhere. Staring down into that screen, looking for something. Oh, something is gonna make me feel better. Maybe another video about World War Three. Maybe that'll quench my thirst. Maybe that will at last restore the connection I need. That great connection with the divine. The one thing that separates us from them. Damn mite munching, grooming old chimps. Maybe one more video. Maybe a dude with face tattoos telling me about geopolitics will make me feel a little better. Maybe that's what I need. Maybe some, some. Some mom telling me how I'm a bad fucking parent cuz I don't package cupcakes in the morning. Maybe that'll make me feel better. Maybe another. Some more advice from a faceless video telling me how to take advantage of Opus. Maybe that's what I need. That'll make it better. Or maybe just the money. Maybe a nice flow of green rolling in. Maybe that'll make me better if I'm rich. Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it. It doesn't matter that the rich are dying in their hot tubs because they're so dumb to blast it on ketamine while they take a hot tub dip. Dumbest thing you could do. It doesn't matter that the children of the ultra wealthy are literally stabbing them to death at night. Maybe I'll be different. Maybe it'll work. Maybe it will work. Until you get just the thing you were hoping and you realize there ain't nothing here. Just another wire fucking monkey I'm clinging to. Just another sad, sad idol that I'm clinging to. Wondering when the blessings will come. The blessings are here, friends. The blessings are here. Right now they don't need to come. You're in an ocean of blessings an ocean of Samsara. And yet Samsara and Nirvana are intertwined. As they say. Enlightenment. Confusion is a condition of enlightenment. That very thing that makes you have some generalized sense that things are amiss is your enlightened mind. It's aware. It's pure awareness. You can do it. Right now there's the you freaking out. There's a you who's thinking way too much about the straight of hormones. And then there's the you that's just aware that's just here in your chair at work. Not at work, walking your doggie out there, working on your lawn, on the subway, maybe, maybe on a massage table, getting pegged. Whatever you may be doing, wherever you may be, that awareness mind is what you are. Feel yourself. I mean, not in the vulgar sense. Look at you. Think of all you've done to get to where you are now. How incredible it is that you managed to get to this place right now and so many didn't. These dumb motherfuckers walking in front of cars. Think of how many people have walked in front of cars. Just splattered all over the highway. No situational awareness at all. It's easy to die here in the Earth realm. That's the gravity's fault. You got this head cranium up here. Bust your brain open if you fall too hard.

[Duncan Trussell]

This episode of the DTFH is brought to you by Cash App. It's one of the premier breeders in the Austin area. I've got a bunch of kids. I got the premier breeder award for July, which is a true honor and thank you to the Austin Breeder Association. It's important to to me that my kids learn all the skills. Took them fishing the other day. That was fun. You ever take your kids fishing, Josh? Can you talk during a commercial?

[Josh (Producer)]

Yeah, I've taken them. I've took them fishing this past June.

[Duncan Trussell]

Did they catch anything?

[Josh (Producer)]

My daughter caught a bunch. My son caught one thing.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, it's a big moment when they catch their first fish. Yeah, they love it. And you know, you feel like a real dad when your kid reels in a fish, we throw him back. They were tiny, you know what I mean? I wouldn't eat the fish out of the fucking nasty pond we were fishing in. But the point is you also have to teach your kids about the Matrix stuff, man. Money. And you know, whether you like it or not, cash like the green rectangles covered with Masonic symbols. I don't know how long that's going to be around. Most people don't even use it anymore. And so, you know, teaching your kids to save. My kids have got a safe. They all, they forgot the password. They've got all their tooth fair money in there and they can't get it out. It's kind of sad and awesome at the same time. Worst savings account of all time. You. I want my kids to know about, like plastic. They're going to be using it. They understand it. Sometimes I'll let them like, you know, put my card in and stuff, just to try to teach them about it. I always feel a little weird doing it, but this is the world we're in. The reason Cash App is brilliant is they've come up with a way to help you educate your child about digital money. Cash App's managed accounts for kids aged six to 12 are designed exactly for that. Your kid gets a customizable Cash App Visa card that feels personal to them. While you shape the entire experience for your side. You manage everything from your own Cash App, all with no subscription fees. Because building money habits shouldn't cost extra. Here's what makes it different. Their savings habits and history carried forward every step of the way. Parents managed at 6, a teen account at 13, full account at 18. That means when they're 18, the whole credit card thing, even though this isn't a credit card, not a credit card, debit card, you're putting money in it for them. It's their savings account. The point is, when they turn 18, they're not going to be like, my dumb ass who immediately applied for a credit card. I was like, I don't even know how that shit works. I'm not going to pay for it. I'm not going to pay that card. I was dumb. I don't want my kids to be financially illiterate. It's really a brilliant app. There's fraud monitoring running around the clock and you get real time visibility into every transaction. When kids make their first real decisions with money what to spend, what to save, what to skip. You want those moments to go well because early wins build lasting habits. That's the whole idea. Real experience, real guidance. A smart setup that grows with kids who are ready to start learning and keeps working as they become adults. Download Cash App today and open a managed account for your child. Visit our link in the bio. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App's bank partners. Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton bank member fdic Cash App Visa debit flex card issued by Sutton Bank Member FDIC and the Bancorp Bank N.A. pursuant to a license from Visa US Inc. See Terms and conditions for the Sutton Prepaid Card, Sutton Debit Flex Card and Bancorp Debit Flex Card. Savings and offers provided by Cash App, a Block Inc. Brand. Parents and legal guardians can open a managed Account for kids 6 to 12. Visit Cash App Legal Podcast for full disclosures. Thanks. Cash App.

[Duncan Trussell (solo monologue)]

You just think about all the bad things. You never think about the good. You never think about all you've been through, do you? You never think about all the things you've accomplished. You never think about all the sweet things you've done in this world. Instead. You're always thinking about the way you fucked up. Always think about what you did wrong. Maybe you'll make yourself better. Next thing you know, you're filled up with Botox and your lips are puffed like some kind of undersea beast. Those old puffed up weird lips look like an inner tube that got overinflated. And that ain't pretty. Weird, weird old lips all puffed out. You thought that would fix it? That would make me, right? If I puffed my lips for a weird plastic surgery goo, the same shit they used to put Pull up Stretch Armstrong, Josh. God damn it, Josh. Pull up Stretch Armstrong toy. You don't want your lips to look like that. Look at that. Look at his arms. That's what you're doing to your body. Filling yourself up with a Stretch Armstrong goo. You think that'll make people love you? Look at that. Pull up lip and lip. What do they call it, Josh? Lip puffs.

[Josh (Producer)]

Lip injections.

[Duncan Trussell (solo monologue)]

Put up a lip injection. Just take a look at this here. Don't put me on the screen for a moment. I gotta meditate silently for three seconds. Get me off the screen.

[Josh (Producer)]

Yep.

[Duncan Trussell (solo monologue)]

Look at these lips. They're. Let me. I'm gonna point to it now. What the fuck did you do to your lips? Why'd you do it? You had wonderful lips before. Now your lips look like one of them dam baboon butts. You thought that would make you happy? You're out there trying to mog. Pull up. Pull up Clavicula. For God's sake. He is beautiful, I will admit. Look at that beautiful man. Now pull up Clavicula's friend who died. Josh. Josh, pull up Clavicula's friend who died. I don't know who it was. This poor son of a bitch put up Clavicula friend injected himself with gold. Pull it up, Josh. Pull up Clavicula's friend. Gold injection, Josh.

[Josh (Producer)]

Connor Murphy.

[Duncan Trussell (solo monologue)]

Look at that. The Looksmax and influence of Carter Murphy. This beautiful man thought it would be a good idea to shoot up with gold. And he died. He drowned. He was too heavy. Gold's heavy. And it was all full of gold. And he jumped in a pool and couldn't swim back to the top. Gold is a very heavy metal. Look at that beautiful man. What I wouldn't give to be beautiful like that. Look at those cheeks. Those well defined muscles. The hair that. That knows the fencer's mustache. Look at that beautiful man. And yet as beautiful a man as he is. He sank to the bottom of a

[Duncan Trussell]

pool all full of gold.

[Duncan Trussell (solo monologue)]

What better symbol is there for the world today? All of us shooting up with gold. All of us filling ourselves with the dark heavy metal of social media's taint. Now what to do, you ask? Well, it's not. It's not that hard. In fact, it's so incredibly simple that it is hard. So incredibly simple. You think you don't deserve it. You deserve it. You think you don't have it. You've got it. You can't believe it. It can't be me. It's you. Now you know. You have to decide what you're gonna do next. You're gonna go spray your fear spray

[Duncan Trussell]

all over the world.

[Duncan Trussell (solo monologue)]

You're gonna go around all day beating yourself up for some bullshit you did a few years ago or yesterday. You're gonna fixate on some nonsense. Just let that rattle around in your head like some broken old toy. Are you gonna come back here with the day stream? Are you gonna come back here with the day stream? Are you gonna come back here into the stream a day? Enter the stream. Be a stream enterer. Come here with us. Get on out of that old haunted house up there and your old TikTok talker up here and come bless the world with your presence. We missed you. You know the world misses you, don't ya? Every time you stare at your phone, you know it's like a light turned off. Every time you look down at your damn hypno rectangle trying to find some verification that you exist and have importance in this world. It's like a lighthouse just turned off. I guess the lighthouse keeper had to take a shit and he turned off the light. Now the ships are crashing all around you. You think you are manifesting reality just from the very act of observation itself. Don't you understand it? Converting your 3D hyperdimensional spatiality into 2D space every time you stare at your old hypno rectangle. Maybe that's what they want. You're too powerful. The world needs your light. The world needs you to look at it and look around. Yeah, sure, it can feel lonely out there, walking around, not staring at your phone when everybody else is teleporting themselves into the 2D realm out of pure and abject fear, controllable. You just flip to the next goddamn thing and it's gone. You can't do that when you. You can't do that when you're in a porter party to rave. God is love. Come back to us now. Get this fucking thing off my voice now. Josh.

[Duncan Trussell]

I don't wanna do this bit anymore. Look at my eyes. I'm tired. Oh, that was. That was fun. It's hard to not do the voice with the glasses on, though. It really is. Oh, man, I hope you guys are doing good. Thank you all you for joining us here on the beautiful day stream. That was fun. I'm not sure what people think of this thing. You know, I was watching a stream the other day. The mainstream that I watch is called Agenda Free tv. Do you watch that, Josh?

[Josh (Producer)]

Never heard of it.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's great. If you want, like, it's great. And it's the most infuriating stream you'll ever see in your life. But basically, yeah, don't show a video. This guy, one thing I love about him is he's very respectful of other people's content, which I think is really cool. But this dude covers in real time, mainly right now, it's the war in Iran. And it is the funniest, weirdest, craziest, most apocalyptic shit you'll ever watch, which is like, Steve, that's his name. Lookner. Steve Lookner. I believe he just has. I imagine he's got like 50 feeds up and he just watches the war, watches the bombings. I'm wearing these fucking glasses. They were laying outside. They were greasy and nasty. But, like, I'm so. I'm tired right now. I couldn't sleep last night. But look, look. Look at my eyes, dude. I'm all like. I don't know why, it just makes you feel a little better when you cover them up. But, yeah, watch Steve. It's incredible and infuriating, but maybe I shouldn't be watching it based on everything I just said, because. But that's kind of why I like doing it, is I just sit there and think, what are you doing? Why do you have this on? It's just this dude who is like, oh, oh, oh. We got an update. We got an update. Centcom reports centcom, he's really good at repeating it for some reason which I think keeps people tethered to the goddamn thing. He goes, cincom. Okay, update centcom. CENTCOM has reported. This is an update CENTCOM has reported. This is from centcom. CENTCOM has reported that they have begun a military action in Karva. Bomb. He can never really pronounce the names of the places. I couldn't either. But it's amazing. And then that's pretty much it. Then people will say things like I think they're gonna drop a nuclear bomb soon. And he will go. Fangspear thinks that they're going to drop a nuclear bomb. That's what fang spear. I don't know. They might. It could happen. I hope not. But I don't have anything to show that that might happen or won't happen. And that's a thing that could happen, but we don't really know for sure. That's it. Every little thing. That's why it's called agenda Free. He makes no, barely. He doesn't have any person. He's so good at not having any like subjective opinion on what's happening. And it's so apocalyptic to watch. Highly advise. I am a subscriber over there.

[Josh (Producer)]

What time of day are you watching this? Like throughout the day or.

[Duncan Trussell]

He usually comes on at night. So what happens is I will, you know, like I pick the kids up, we get them to bed. Then after that just because. And again, I don't want to be negative here, but I don't know if you. This has been your experience. Everything is slop right now. Like on, on like I can't find many good shows right now. And the good ones, I've watched House of Dragons. I've watched up in the Air about that finished the fucking new Dutton ranch bullshit. And you know, watch the backrooms, watched Obsession. That's maybe you guys know of other stuff that isn't like complete slop right now, but everything else is like dog brides, you know, go talking. There's all. There's a whole thing about like talking goats, you know, just insane idiocracy level shit, you know, or just like, you know, various like love island things where, you know, beautiful people fuck on an island. So like you just. You're like, ah, fuck it. I'll just watch the apocalypse. And you put on agenda free tv. You get apocalypse updates. But then it's so incredibly infuriating and boring that you turn it off.

[Josh (Producer)]

I've been showing my kids old cartoons. That's where I'VE been living in nostalgia. And right now we're watching X Men 97, which is where they left off the cartoon back. So I'm just living like a little kid again.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's cool. Yeah, that's cool. I'll tell you what I've been doing. Now. This is a very interesting thing. So this is wild. I'm about to blow yalls mind. Here, check this out. I'll show you what I've been doing. So somebody has been taking stories and I don't know who's been doing this. Somebody's been taking, I guess, movies or TV shows. And instead of having the video, they've been writing what happens down into these. Whatever, into like, this shit. Right? Do you know what I'm talking about?

[Josh (Producer)]

No.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's so weird. Yeah. And so, like, this is kind of like a player piano. Like, you know, you put the thing in a player piano and it plays. But for your brain, I guess, is the best way to describe it. So you look at these things. Like, I can look at it right now, and when I look at the words, I see a movie in my mind kind of.

[Josh (Producer)]

Okay.

[Duncan Trussell]

Do you know what I mean?

[Josh (Producer)]

You have to practice this. Yeah, intuitive.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. They're calling it reading, but yeah, you have to learn how to turn the symbols into words and then that goes together. I know, I know, I know that sounds awful. But yeah, this has been something I've been doing. And this book is great. You know, I don't know if you guys ever do the thing where, like, I want to be an intellectual and you try to read really, like, you know, lofty philosophical books. You're like, I'm gonna. I guess I'm gonna read some Heidegger again. I guess I'm gonna just give another shot at it. I'm gonna do some deep existentialist reading today. Or I think it's. Cause I went on a Cormac McCarthy kick and was like, you know what? I gotta take a break, dude. I can't keep reading Cormac McCarthy. So I went to my beloved Joe Abercrombie, who is such a great author. Now there's a name for this kind of fantasy. And I can't remember what it's called. Grunge fantasy or something. Or maybe you guys know the name of it. But it's like Game of Thrones, I think, kind of falls into it where it's just like, bloody and everyone's kind of fucked up. There's not really a good guy. But this shit is actually pretty good. Even though it's like, you know, candy, but it's way better than anything on the old boob tube. Boy, am I got. I got some hot takes today. I'm shaking the Internet today. Hey, books are better than movies. Hey, there's a lot of bad stuff on tv. Hey, don't look at your phone. Wow, I'm really rocking it to the core, everyone. I know you guys must be just like, what? Oh, we've never thought of these things

[Josh (Producer)]

before,

[Duncan Trussell]

but it's true now.

[Josh (Producer)]

I mean, I think you crossed the line a little bit with the lip injections. I like those, but other than that.

[Duncan Trussell]

Do you really? Yeah, I. You really do. Are you being honest?

[Josh (Producer)]

I'm being honest. Yeah. Yeah. If you have a ear lifter like this, get the lip injections. It just makes your face look better.

[Duncan Trussell]

Number one, and I mean this from the very depth of my heart. It's your body.

[Josh (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

You do whatever the you want to do with it. Whatever it is, this is yours. This is you. You could do whatever. Body modification, anything you want. Anything. All this is you. You do it, baby. You go ahead and everybody's got preference. And for those of you out there who've got puff lips, you know what? I was being judgmental. It's not my thing. I think now we need to hear, like, people like Josh fucking love it.

[Josh (Producer)]

Yeah, it's purely sexual. Purely sexual.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, yeah, People love it. People like Josh love those big old wildly puffed lips. I just, you know, I don't know, this is my age showing, I guess. You know what I mean? It's like, get out of my yard. Stop buffing your lips. I don't. Puff your lips. I don't care. Maybe look at my old thin bitches. I should puff my lips. I have to hide them with my beard. I got thin, little pursed lips. Damn. Look, we got to do. We have some serious super chats coming in right now, and it's kind of blowing my fucking mind. We better address them right now. Thank you so much. We'll get back into it. We're going to do some super chats. And then just. Even though I really hesitated, I've been struggling. I do want to do this. We're going to watch a little bit of the Fauci hearings, and I kind of don't want to today. I was thinking, that'll be fun to do. And then I looked on YouTube and realized, like, all these just fucking. Just so many idiots doing, like, commentary on Fauci, all heavy and serious. I'm like, God, so hacky. To even talk about it. But on the other hand, it's kind of interesting, so we'll just look at it for a second. But let's do some of these beautiful donations that came in to the day stream. And thank you so much. Oh, we got Josh. Oh, not ready. Thank you so much. My wife and I saw you in Milwaukee last weekend. You are awesome. Bless you. I appreciate it. Thank you for coming to the show. I appreciate it. I wish I'd made it out to Milwaukee. You know, I was in the suburbs of Milwaukee. I don't even know the name of that fucking place. But I gotta tell you, I got a little rattled out there. I was in a Marriott in the middle of fucking nowhere, and I got kind of creeped out. Talk about that too later. What the Benny? $100 super chat just to hierarchize podcast producers saying Josh is better than Jamie. And I would call that a great compliment.

[Josh (Producer)]

That is a great compliment.

[Duncan Trussell]

That is like a high, high compliment. Because Jamie's pretty fucking good.

[Josh (Producer)]

Oh, yeah. The best, probably.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. He's just the master at it in. But, yeah, I guess we should say used to be the best, right, Josh? I know. I love Jamie, but, yeah, Josh is at the top of his game. Okay, what else we got here? Gift membership came in from Drax. Thank you, Drax. If you got a gift membership, everybody, can you please say thank you to Drax, BRB eating fridge. Thank you, Drax. Very generous and kind. And a little message here from Drax. My grandma got a lip injection. It was crazy. She started laughing hysterically. And I'm journaling. What is your advice for journal of wisdom? Heh, heh, heh. Oh, dude, just. You know, I think because I went to liberal arts school, took a creative variety class, and they just did the morning pages thing to us, and I did it. And it's so good to just sit and write fearlessly. Feels so good. Great for comics too. Great for getting jokes. That's where a lot of joke premises come from, is just free writing, whatever. Not being afraid to write anything you want and just doing it. Just writing. And when the general advice, I think, for the morning pages is when you run out of ideas, you just start writing over and over. I don't have an idea. I don't have an idea. Like a lunatic. And then I don't know what to write about. I don't know what to write about. And then something else will start coming. Definitely helps me clear my head again. For those of you just joining us, I'm wearing these Stupid glasses. Because look at me. Look at my eyes. Ah, look how tired I am. Look at that bag under my eyes. I'm fucking tired, man.

[Duncan Trussell (solo monologue)]

Bing. Bing.

[Duncan Trussell]

Hiding behind my glasses and my beard. Oh, what's the full name? Marva. Marvy. Give the shout out. Does it show their full name? That's. Well, I'm assuming it's Marvi. Thanks, Marvi. The Voice. Wait, Marvin. Marvin T. The Voice is working all the way from the United States of America to South Africa. Eastern Cape. What? Hell, yes. Is it pretty out there, out there on the Eastern Cape? South Africa? I want to go out there, man. I want to see it for myself. That's another thing I was watching is some dude who just travels around to forbidden zones. It's. Honestly, I wish I'd written it down. It's one of the more revolutionary bits of YouTube content, because this dude is going to China, he's going to Iran, he's going to Iraq, he's going to all the places we're supposed to be afraid of. And the people are so sweet. Everyone's feeding him, taking him in, so kind. And the only people who suck are the authorities who, like, arrest him and shit. Like, the government people don't like it, but it just is so, so, like, sweet and sad when you just realize, like, everyone's just so nice and funny and cool and everyone's just, like, just giving him food. In Iraq, especially in Iran, people are just giving him shit, being so nice. It's so sad, dude. It's so sad and cool. He got the fuck out of Iran, though. Had to. Hooded sweatshirt guy. It's good to see you again, Duncan. Can one effectively meditate or be spiritual on 30mg of Adderall? Asking for a friend, of course. I mean, if you ask me, this is maybe a controversial take on the matter, but this whole idea, the real question is try to not be spiritual. You know, just. How do you even do that? Good luck. You're having a spiritual experience. It's called human existence. You're not going to be able to unspiritualize yourself. There's no way. And I don't even think death fixes the problem, to be honest. So, yeah, that's. I think, one of the. Being spiritual, or I'm more spiritual or less spiritual. It's all spiritual, like, every single. Or like, whatever. I'll say, when you're. When you're off the path, that's the path, too. So you just. Yeah. You sure? Why not? But if you think you can't then that'll give you an excuse to not meditate when you're on Adderall. Then you'll have these conditions where meditation is. Okay, you know, now I can meditate. I'm in a silent place with a Zafu cushion and the wind is blowing through my window and I've had my green tea. Now I'm being very spiritual and it's time to meditate. Just. How about no conditions to. Look, you can do it, right? I'll meditate right now. You all can just meditate with me for one, like for a few pressures. Look, There we go. Nothing happened. But you could do that. You could do that in your car. You could do it at the airport. You could do it anywhere. There's no conditions. If you set the condition, then you could start selling tickets, I guess. But you know, that's how you get a yoga studio going. But you. Yeah, all the. The crazy ass tantric people that I've read about, they were like, like getting. They're smacking each other with shoes and stuff and like wild out in the woods, just singing random songs and sleeping in. Sleeping in bushes, you know, and that wasn't because they were trying to be spiritual. That's just where they ended up. So, yeah, I don't know. No conditions. It just sucks to meditate. So you want to create a rule about when you can do it, do it on the airplane, you know? Also just the thing David, my friend David talks about I really love, which is suddenly free from fixed mind. You could do that. Which is really useful for me, which is I'm inevitably getting tangled up in some shit that's annoying me. And then when I'm tangled up in it, that's all I think about. And then you can pop out of that anytime you want. It's not like it goes away, but you're just suddenly you're back here again. It's really cool that we have that capacity. Thanks for the super chat. Well, I'll be damned. We gotta pull up this full name here, Josh. Maybe you could pull this thing to the side or something. Does it do that? Who is this? Walker G12. Is that his full name? Walker G12. I love your dog. Thank you for the super chat. 100 bucks. Thank you so much. Solo Streams and Mystery boys are the best. We need the Night Stream back. Ah, thank you, Walker. Guess what? Good news. Have moved the studio into the new place. Josh. I have to get everything unpacked and shit before you come over there, you know, but have moved the studio to the New place, have gotten the synths hooked up, have gotten pretty much everything hooked up except for the camera and the lighting, which is where I'm going to need Josh to help me figure out the best way to do it. So it looks good the way it looks good here. And then I've got to get Google to come out and I couldn't get an appointment. I would have done one this week. Like a shitty one probably, but I would have done one this week. But I'm getting. I'm going on a family vacation for a week and then when I get back, I'm getting the Internet in. You know how fast the Internet is. I'm getting Josh two gig a thousand up. A thousand Mbp. That's up.

[Duncan Trussell (solo monologue)]

Woo.

[Duncan Trussell]

You ain't gonna get that bullshit you were getting on the old night streams. No more of the stuttery fucking a thousand. I'm gonna be able to. I could do 20 multi streams at once with that 4 bandwidth. It's insane. It's coming. It's already. It's already installed in the building. So the night streams are coming back. It's a completely separate spot. So I'm gonna have to. It's like just a few minutes from my house, zip over there at night, press a button and boom, we're back to doing the night streams. I'm sorry for the pause. I was having so much fun doing those, but there's just no way to do it at my house. So, yeah, it's coming. Thank you for the incredibly generous super chat. Thank you. Look, ah, walker with 10 family hour gift memberships. Everybody thank Walker. If you got one of these memberships. These people are soldiers. These are soldiers in the army. In the great army of peace and love and violence. I guess you could call our army somewhat violent. If you think blowing up a pyramid is violent. But, you know, maybe you think popping zits is violent or wiping your butt is violent because it's basically the same thing. Another night street. Hey, Duncan, why did you abandon the nightstream? Everything is fire over there. The chat is okay. Cubbage number one. Thanks for the super chat. What happened to my brain just then? Thank you. Let everyone in the chat know that I'm scheduled to get Internet installed week after next on a Tuesday. I tried to get up and checking in with fiber to see if they can come earlier. Not working out. So this is as soon as I could get Internet. Now, I could theoretically do a stream with my phone as the Internet, but it's just not going to work. It's going to fuck up. It won't be worth it. So the studio is set up. It's beautiful in there. It looks so cool. It's so cool. It's a perfect space, but got to get Internet to stream. I have not abandoned it. I'm renting a relatively expensive studio just to do it. So, yeah, it's happening. I just, I have to get everything set up and I need the Internet. Please tell everyone I did not abandon it. I just am moving into a place that's like going to be better, that's going to look better and sound better and work better. The Internet in my old studio sucked so bad. Thank you, Ryan Kausman. Jesus, thank you so much. Those sunglasses are sick. They're gonna make me sick. I'm serious. Like, I picked them up like a. Like a child picks shit up. I had to ungrease them and then I just put them on. Fuck it. I saw Joey Diaz last night. You know he's moving to Austin?

[Josh (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

So cool. Saw him last night and he was like, if you ever eat nas, what do you mean? You're not going to eat a cookie off the floor.

[Josh (Producer)]

That's what ass is, a floor cookie.

[Duncan Trussell]

He's like, what? Shut up. Oh, you don't eat the cookie off the floor, but you'll eat ass. I'm so, so happy he's moving here.

[Duncan Trussell (solo monologue)]

Uh,

[Duncan Trussell]

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[Josh (Producer)]

huh?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. I hope it was okay. They're always weird to me, the work shits. I don't know what that means about me, but I never liked it. I would like to, like, open a void, you know, in time space that I can move through and kind of like bubble within which no odor or sound could come. Like a shitting bubble and like with a bidet in there and shit. And then come out of the bubble sealed and drifts off into infinity. Then shit at work. But we're not there technologically yet, so, you know, my shit. I'm sorry? My shit. Right before the podcast, we're talking about pooping. Yeah. I'm vulnerable. I'm honest. That's what I did on the floor.

[Josh (Producer)]

Oh, the floor.

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, it makes me feel powerful.

[Josh (Producer)]

Yeah, but I gotta clean it up.

[Duncan Trussell]

Look, man, look, I'll clean it up, okay? I didn't know you were the one cleaning it up. Yeah, but.

[Josh (Producer)]

Okay, I don't even have gloves. I have to pick it up and fucking.

[Duncan Trussell]

Your flesh is your glove. Your hand skin is a glove. You know what I mean? Just wash your hands. But I will clean it up.

[Josh (Producer)]

Thank you.

[Duncan Trussell]

Sorry, I keep doing that. I didn't know you were the one cleaning it up.

[Josh (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Makes you feel powerful. It is. In the 48 laws of power, I think law number 34 is shit on a floor in a public bathroom to show your dominance and fearlessness. Thank you. Boiling milk. An important question for the chat. How many Chihuahuas would it take to overflow an entire school bus? Well, it's going to depend on. There's a variety of Chihuahuas. So we have to get the average size of a Chihuahua, then just probably the, I don't know, dimensions of like a classic school bus. And, you know, from that you could, you know, extrapolate some kind of weight or something and, you know, to overflow an entire school bus is. I don't know, it's like. Let me think. I guess another way to do it would be, you know, Just let's approximate a school bus. How many rows of seats in a school bus? Josh, find out.

[Josh (Producer)]

Also, are we just stuffing the Chihuahuas in there or are they, like, seated overflow? Okay, so they're like.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, I assume it's, like, in there

[Josh (Producer)]

because we're just pushing them in.

[Duncan Trussell]

I think they're alive for the sake of this. Let's say we're somehow. We're keeping them alive. Don't look it up, though. Let's use our own minds. Gotcha. So I'm trying to remember my school bus when I had to take a bus to school. And I feel like at around 10 rows, something like that, maybe more. Let's just say how many. Do you remember how many rows your school bus had?

[Josh (Producer)]

Probably, like 12 to 15. I would assume 12.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay, let's just say 12. And in each of those seats, you could theoretically fit three. Three kids. Just about right. Yeah. And so that. Let's just take, like, I'd say a

[Josh (Producer)]

kid is 12 Chihuahuas at least.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, that's what I try to get at. Yeah. Way more than. I'd say 20. How much is an average Chihuahua weigh? It can't be, like, more than, like, eight pounds, right?

[Josh (Producer)]

Less than that, probably.

[Duncan Trussell]

Let's say five pounds. Chihuahua weighs five pounds.

[Josh (Producer)]

The average kid's like 100 to 120.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, but let's do. Yeah, well, let's just go, like. Because it's gonna be young kids and older kids. They all have to ride the same bus. Right. So let's just say average 115 pounds. Right. Maybe 115 pounds. Then we're doing three kids. We're three kids at a seat averaging 115 pounds each. That is 345 pounds per seat. 345. For the sake of this, let's say 10 seats. So that's 3,450 pounds. Then we're gonna take. How much is a Chihuahua?

[Josh (Producer)]

Five.

[Duncan Trussell]

So divide. Divide. Three. Yeah. Three. 30. 3450.

[Josh (Producer)]

690. I feel like you fit more Chihuahuas than 690.

[Duncan Trussell]

No, that's just for the seats.

[Josh (Producer)]

Oh, okay.

[Duncan Trussell]

So 690 Chihuahuas are going to make it into the seats, and then we got to look at the top in the aisle. How many people have I lost? I've gained viewers somehow during this.

[Josh (Producer)]

You're Chihuahua man.

[Duncan Trussell]

Makes no sense. Six hundred and ninety Chihuahuas. And again, I know obviously you're not gonna be able to stack Chihuahuas, but

[Josh (Producer)]

you can double that at least.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, but let's just get through the. Now we've like created at least the, you know, one layer of the bus, which is the seats, but then we have the above that, right? And the aisle and also where the bus driver is and the fucking space in the back and also below the seats.

[Josh (Producer)]

Because the Chihuahuas can sit below the chairs.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yep, yep, yep. So I'm going to guess, like if we can do 690 in the seat sitting up, which leads at least like five feet above. And I'm going to say five feet is about the height of the people sitting there, right? So let's just say five feet above, then three people, you know. How many Chihuahuas was it again per?

[Josh (Producer)]

690 for the chairs.

[Duncan Trussell]

690 for the chairs. I would double that per seat to get all the way to the ceiling.

[Josh (Producer)]

Well, triple that because you got the lower below the seat too. So it's above and below.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay, so 690 times three, times 10, times 10.

[Josh (Producer)]

That's 20,702 hours on a bus.

[Duncan Trussell]

But we still have to do where the driver is in that 20,700. How many seat. I'm going to put another seat. You know, I'm gonna, I'm gonna just being lazy. I'm gonna say 30,000 Chihuahuas, approximately. You could fit, you could stuff into a school bus. Do you know the answer or were you just trying to figure it out before you stuffed a bunch of Chihuahuas? How many has to buy? Good luck. Good luck. Hey, Duncan, thank you, by the way, for the super chat. Hey, Duncan, did you know Stretch Armstrong's jelly innards is sweet? Now would. Now why would anyone make a child's toy sweet? I do remember. I do recall that now that you mention it, I forgot about that. When you broke your Stretch Armstrong, you got a little treat. Some kind of sweet oil. Some kind of sweet synthetic oil distillate that you would just eat as a kid because you didn't know better. And your parents were like, oh, I hope he's all right. So back then, nobody cared. Back then, nobody cared. They let birds fly into your window and peck your eyes out and just be like, oh, hope he's all right. Back when I was a kid, back when I was a kid, it was very common. You would open your window and birds would attack you and pluck your eyes out. And very common for parents to come up and see their child's skeletal form in the bed because crows had carried away the child's flesh. Very common. When I was growing, it was a different time. It was a Different time. They would catapult you out of your yard. Sometimes your parents would do that for barbecues. They thought it was funny. They'd use really pretty powerful medieval trebuchets, I think is what they called them. And they would launch you so far into the neighborhood, if you're lucky, land in a tree. But a lot of kids weren't lucky. And wars were fought in neighborhoods between barbecues with kids being launched from one barbecue to the next. One of my friends was just launched right into a fucking grill. Luckily, it was, like, cooling down. There was a pool near there. He ran into the pool to put out the flames, and then he couldn't swim, so he drowned. But that was what it was like when I was coming up. You kids have it easy. Pull up that wire monkey again, Josh. I want you guys to see something. Pull up that wire monkey. There we go. Look at that. All the wire monkey stuff. Look at that, guys. All right, let's pull up the fauci. Let's pull up that Fauci file I sent you. Fuck it.

[Josh (Producer)]

You want to do the last one right here?

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, shit. I didn't see it. I mean, you could lay them like towel rolls. Also, some could be, like, fat. They're pretty small. They need to reach the roof also. Yeah, I think we did the math. Boiling milk. I appreciate the super chat, but you might want to rewind. I think the math was pristine, and only a four fool would try to add on to it. Josh and I are world class geniuses when we do calculations. Even though it seems like we're just having fun, it isn't fun for us. It's serious. We take it seriously. We take math seriously. We love doing math. And show them. And Josh has you hold that closer to the camera. A certificate of expertise. So, yeah, we don't need to. You don't need to. I appreciate the super chat. Everything. But you. If you need. If you. The thing is, if you knew, you would have done the calculation, you wouldn't have invested in having the world's top mathematicians do the Chihuahua calculation for you, which you got a great deal, by the way. A lot of shell corporations. And you know what that means. CIA offshoots come to me all the time to do calculations like, how many Reptilians can you fit into a Garvoxian void before it implodes? And that is a whole different calculation, because Reptilians, their weight and mass change according to their moods.

[Josh (Producer)]

It's a trick question. Answer is infinity.

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, we found that out. Act like it didn't take us, like, what, a couple hours and a lot of weed to get there. But, yeah, we struggled over that one a little bit. Let's pull up the Fauci thing. Got a little bit more time here. Okay, so wait before you get it rolling. Even though I think everyone fucking knows this happened, maybe some of you don't. So Fauci, Antoine Fauci, was given a preemptive pardon by Joe Biden, which is wild that you could do that. That's just wild. You can pardon someone for crimes before they've been put on trial for the crimes. I feel like pardons should have to come after, not before. That just seems like an insane.

[Josh (Producer)]

He's just playing by Monopoly rules. He got the get out of jail free card thing.

[Duncan Trussell]

I know, but the get out of jail free card should only works if you're in jail. Like, you're. If you're not in jail, you should. The preemptive pardon thing is insane because you need to know what you're pardoning someone for. Right. And, you know, who knows what? Like, Matt. Let's just say Fauci committed no crimes in the public sector, but was like, they go to his house, and it's just. He's just been just stabbing mimes to death. Like, he's been traveling around the United States finding mimes, annoyed by mimes. No one knows how he was doing it or why, but just dismembering them and putting them in strange configurations in his basement, you know, putting weird masks made of human flesh around their face. And, you know he would not go to jail, right? No.

[Josh (Producer)]

He takes out his little orange card and he goes, here you go. And then.

[Duncan Trussell]

Pardoned. Done anything in that span of the pardon? I'm pretty sure. I don't know, maybe there's. It doesn't count for everything, but it's insane, that level of power. So he's been given this preemptive pardon, which is so weird because it's like, when. Why? He's a doctor. Why do you need to pardon him? What did he do? What's the problem? It did. This is the Senate hearing regarding his crimes. And the idea, I guess the Republicans thought that because he was pardoned, he couldn't plead the fifth. It's some kind of legal shit. Because he can't plead the Fifth. He would be forced to answer for all the things he's being accused of. But he pleaded the Fifth and is now theoretically going to be held in contempt of court or whatever. But this was just a complete public Lashing of Fauci. And I'm not sure if he did the right thing, pleading the Fifth, because some of these things I think he needed to respond to and he couldn't. And so it just. For me, the main takeaway that we'll show this shit. No one wants to hear my opinion on this. The main takeaway is the things that these people are saying used to get your accounts deleted during the pandemic. That's the most interesting thing about it. The thing these people are saying would get you beyond canceled during the pandemic. That's what's fucking crazy about this. And really, like, I think a lot of people didn't like watching this shit because all the pandemic trauma got brought back up. But, yeah, let's just roll a little bit. This is. What's his name? Rand Paul.

[Josh (Producer)]

Yeah. Ron Paul's son, Rand. Quick question.

[Duncan Trussell]

Who is that? I know. She's a beautiful lady.

[Senator / Fauci Hearing Participant]

Wow.

[Duncan Trussell]

La la, la, la. Nobody knows. Don't look at it, Josh. Are her lips puffed? That's.

[Josh (Producer)]

Yeah, that's what I think it is.

[Duncan Trussell]

Wow. Okay. All right. Let's roll a little bit of this. The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

[Senator / Fauci Hearing Participant]

So help your God.

[Duncan Trussell]

Take me off the screen for a moment there, Josh. I have to do my hair. Dr. Anthony Fauci, you are recognized for five minutes for your opening statement.

[Josh (Producer)]

Do you want to hear all this?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, I want to play his opening statement. Take me off the screen, Josh. Members of the committee. I served at the NIH for over 54 years, 38 of those as director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases. Over that period, I proved that I believe in and respect the value of legitimate congressional oversight. In fact, I testified before and or briefed. All right, Senate and House Congressional. Nobody wants to hear this shit. That's all he said, by the way. After this, he just pleads the fifth through the entire thing. But let's listen to fucking Rand Paul start this public beating. It's pretty interesting. Let's just let him go for it.

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[Senator / Fauci Hearing Participant]

Chalk.

[Duncan Trussell]

Breathe.

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[Duncan Trussell]

Or the White House COVID 19 Response Team. Or as chief medical advisor to the President,

[Senator / Fauci Hearing Participant]

have you refused this pardon or

[Duncan Trussell]

do you have any reason to believe this full and unconditional pardon, this grant of immunity would somehow require you to plead the fifth Amendment? Here he goes. On the advice of counsel, I respectfully declined to answer based upon my rights under the fifth Amendment of the Constitution. Yeah, so that's pretty much the whole trial. Just jump ahead now. Let's find a good juicy bit of someone laying into him. Which of these guys really? This guy looks. Look at this dude. He is Senator Lankford. Lanky Lankford. He is. Everybody else just has their conclusion at the beginning of it. All right, skip ahead. Let's find. Just look for when their faces get really angry. This is way more boring than I thought it would be. I guess I just tuned into the right moments. That dude got him pretty good. Go back to that bald dude. Senator Scott.

[Senator / Fauci Hearing Participant]

I can either send stuff to Tony on his private Gmail or hand it to him at work or at his house. He is too smart to let colleagues send him stuff that could cause trouble. Dr. Fauci, did Dr. Moran's relationship with Peter Dasich concern you? Yes or no?

[Duncan Trussell]

What? Under the fifth Amendment to the Constitution, I did find. Let me try.

[Senator / Fauci Hearing Participant]

Did Morantz ever bring documents?

[Josh (Producer)]

Why did he keep having to look down and read it?

[Duncan Trussell]

Like you think he would have it memorized by then?

[Josh (Producer)]

Like just. He could be looking at his nails, looking up. Do something cool with it. Like Dave Chappelle did the physics. Something.

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, I did replace a few of these. Let's keep it going. The next time he does it, I'll try to read some replacements I have.

[Josh (Producer)]

Okay.

[Senator / Fauci Hearing Participant]

To your house.

[Josh (Producer)]

Got me to mute it.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. On the advice corpses, I respectfully decline your torches. Based upon my rights under the fifth enchantment of the Bone Cathedral

[Senator / Fauci Hearing Participant]

work at niaid to your personal cell phone.

[Duncan Trussell]

On the advice of counsel, I respectfully deny the slaughter based upon the rights under the fifth Amendment of the dead Constitution. Thank you.

[Senator / Fauci Hearing Participant]

About your work at NID that went to your personal cell phone. Ever become part of federal records?

[Duncan Trussell]

On the advice of Skullman, I respectfully require A goblet blasted on my crimes under the fish enchantment to the doom Solution.

[Senator / Fauci Hearing Participant]

A personal email account. While serving as Director

[Duncan Trussell]

on the advice of shadows, I respectfully decline repentance based upon the throne under the fifth commandment of the black Dominion.

[Senator / Fauci Hearing Participant]

You ever receive work related communications on that Gmail account from David Morenz?

[Duncan Trussell]

On the advice of corpses, I respectfully deny your presence based upon my rights under the fifth enchantment of the Blood constitution.

[Senator / Fauci Hearing Participant]

Do you preserve any work related communications on that Gmail account from David Morenza?

[Duncan Trussell]

On the advice of vultures, I respectfully deny the screaming based upon my rights under the fifth commandment of the blood.

[Senator / Fauci Hearing Participant]

Cathedral Moranz ever provide you with documents outside of those?

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay, I don't have any more.

[Duncan Trussell (solo monologue)]

I don't have anymore.

[Duncan Trussell]

We don't have to keep watching this. Fucking garbage pop culture slob. Just another fucking stupid thing they threw into the pig cage for the old pigs to snort about. We don't have to watch this game. Goddamn bougie. Just fall guy for the whole goddamn state. Give me a break. Give me a break. How many of those grilling him have like made so much money from big pharma? I just want to know that how many of the people grilling him are like investing in the companies that the whole thing. It's just the word. Good to say. Fauci, the little goblin. Fauci is the only one to blame. It was all of us. It was all of us. We all got sucked in. It was a mass hysteria event. Not to say he didn't get. I mean it's fucked up. He made so much money apparently from it. I had no idea that he won all these award like cash. Do you know that apparently like. And again, because he wasn't responding. It could be bullshit. But apparently he won. He was given all these medical awards. Yeah, he made millions. Like I had no idea that was. That was going on, which is so funny.

[Josh (Producer)]

Did he. Did he win the Nobel Peace Prize?

[Duncan Trussell]

Look it up. No, no.

[Josh (Producer)]

He won a million dollar prize in 2021. Defending science and public health leadership.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's amazing that they have a million dollar prize to defend science. That's the craziest thing ever. You know, Tune into the mystery boys. We covered this in a little bit more, but the whole defending science bullshit is just. It's like defending a. Like you don't have to defend a recipe for cake, you know, like there's cake recipes. They work or they don't. $1.37 million and a fucking pardon. I guess he's just the fall guy right there. He probably knew it wasn't gonna go well for him. Just had to scrape up as much dough as he possibly could, slink off to his manor house and forget. Forget about the whole fucking thing. Who gives a fuck? I mean, the weird, really weird thing is the ev. This is all real. Like, the evidence shows this all happened, like, during the pandemic. We didn't know this was going on. A lot of us trusted him. I did. I'm a dumbass. I'm susceptible to propaganda. I thought, all right, great, this Fauci dude's on the case. He's gonna fix everything. I guess masks are what we need or what. What we should be wearing. I'm just a dumb piece of shit. I just bought into it, you know, it seemed fishy and weird, but it's like, I don't wanna say anything publicly about it because I didn't wanna have my life destroyed, you know?

[Josh (Producer)]

I knew he did such a good job with AIDS that I'm like, oh, he's gonna kill this.

[Duncan Trussell]

He did. He didn't do a good job with aids.

[Josh (Producer)]

Well, it depends on how you look at it.

[Duncan Trussell]

Jesus God, Josh. Two minute self ban. Yeah, look up. His fucking AIDS shit is scary and weird. Yeah, But I guess he's just like the court necromancer or something. I don't know. But it is odd that some people seem, like, really invested and still, you know, my idiot understanding of science is that you, once you find out your hypothesis was incorrect, was wrong based on your experiment, you're like, yeah, I guess I was wrong about that. You accept it. You change based on the result of your experiments. You change. Oh, we were doing that wrong. As it turns out, that was wrong. So you find out new information, you change. But people are still fucking defending this dude, which I don't understand. It's like, it's okay to think at first like, yeah, that guy was protecting us, and then you find out he was getting loaded.

[Josh (Producer)]

But I thought that's how science works. Depending on which corporation tells you which facts you can use, and you can determine what the outcome is supposed to be. And then you go by their rules,

[Duncan Trussell]

that that is the new science, okay?

[Josh (Producer)]

It's a much simpler science. You don't have to do any of the research.

[Duncan Trussell]

You just get told, this is the weirdest thing. It's like, it's this whole we need to defend science thing. And the way we're going to defend science is by telling you to shut the fuck up. If you say Anything that goes against what we say is the science. It's so paradoxical. It's the upside down world stuff. It's just like, you know, I, I don't. I've been, I'm always, I'm so many times I'm wrong about my assumptions regarding things. Like I, I don't even know If I'm doing 50, 50 at this point. So when you find out you're wrong, you're just like, yeah, I was wrong. I don't know what's fucking wrong. People come at me online sometimes and I'm just like, yeah, I was wrong. And that really shuts down the thing. You're like, yeah, I don't know. That was dumb. That was wrong. And then it's hard for them because like. But why if you ever gotten in an argument, if you're married, you know this argument, yeah, I was wrong. Shouldn't have done that. And they're like, but why?

[Josh (Producer)]

I thought the healthy thing to do instead of saying you're wrong is to change the subject and then try to win in that argument to then win the argument that you. That you were just having.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh yeah, that helps a lot. Because one thing that really makes people come to a good place in a relationship is when one of them is right and one of them is wrong. That balances it out. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I love you. Dirtworm777 I see you. But yeah, I don't know. To watch the whole trial, if nothing else. It's a public spectacle. It's just we're all supposed to believe, I guess. All right, we did it. Now it's over. It's another of those things, you know, where you're like, yeah, okay, well, all right, he got a pardon, I guess. I mean, it seems like in the hearing you're saying he's responsible for the deaths of countless people and got rich during that because of his gain of function work over at the Wuhan Institute of Virology. And a lot of people, a lot of like actual doctors and scientists, their life, their careers were ruined and wrecked because they were saying things that went against shit he was saying. But, you know, I got the old pardon, cuz like an old senile dude said he didn't have to pay for his crimes. I guess we're done with COVID now. Okay, thanks. Feels like that, you know, they have him walk out. They have him walk out of the room by himself. That's the punishment. That's the punishment for doing fucked up gain of function. Research and lying about doing gain of function research is you just have to silently walk out of a fucking room, go back to your mansion with millions of dollars, go count your fucking ducats, take a little trip on a yacht somewhere where you're not going to run into people. Felt like. Like that. I don't know, federal charges. What's this? What is this?

[Josh (Producer)]

So a doctor was giving fake Covid jabs and then got arrested and he was just.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, cool. Yeah, I think, no joke, when my dumbass went to get the fucking vaccine. I'm pretty sure the second one, I didn't get the fucking jab because the guy, right before he put the needle in, I don't know, I made him laugh or something, he's like, you're funny. And then I didn't feel the needle and he's like, there you go. I swear to God, I didn't feel it. There wasn't a spot or anything. He's like, there you go. I'm like, wow, I didn't even feel that one.

[Josh (Producer)]

You know what was weird? I went to get a. Have you ever heard of a DEXA scan where they scan your body fat percentage and stuff like that? And they had all these different types of things you can do and one of them is they give you some type of white blood cells or something from the stem of the fetus, the baby, the umbilical cord.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Josh (Producer)]

And she said, she goes, and all of our umbilical cords are harvested by non vaccinated from non vaccinated women. I was like, what would you mean?

[Duncan Trussell]

Wait, what? Yeah, what? Why would you even say that?

[Josh (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah. Why is that? Why is that a part of your pitch?

[Duncan Trussell]

You know, I love harvesting umbilical cords down on my baby farm. Harvesting umbilical cords and put them in the barn. You wind them up like a lasso and send them out to sea. And then rich people shoot them up so they can finally see. They puff their limbs like buttholes. That is so pretty. Oh, God. Look, guys, I gotta get out of here, man. Josh has an appointment and I gotta get back.

[Josh (Producer)]

You wanna do these three real quick?

[Duncan Trussell]

What?

[Josh (Producer)]

You wanna do these three real quick?

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Thank you, Ben. Who says it's a pleasure to watch a pair of mathematical geniuses. Look, I know, I know, I know. It feels good to watch us do math. And yeah, we'll do it again, but I appreciate that. Look at our only fans, by the way. Let's just say we're a little more comfortable when we're doing our Math. And our only fans Zeal. No, I haven't read is asking me if I read Book of Lies or Diary of a Drug Fiend. Isn't that Crowley stuff? No, I have not. I have Libra 4. That's pretty much it. I'm a dilettante when it comes to Crawley, I'll admit it. But I do like talking about him, thinking about him, reading his from time to time. Gigazord 65. You're trying to get me embroiled in that thing. Are you staying at Dad's couch? Her mom's house? I mean, I'm at the. Wow. I'm on both, you know, I'm at the studios. We do Mystery Boys over there, you know. That's all I have to say about that. I will say this though. It does that kind of stuff. I think it, it really rippled the collective pond because a lot of people have like unresolved divorce trauma from their parents. And I think a lot of people felt that based on what the comments that I read and stuff. We'll get into that later. Hooded sweatshirt guy says, will you consider releasing five three hour podcasts every week asking for a friend? I'll consider might happen. I mean, look, once I get the night stream going again, that's going to be some more of this. Then we're going to have this. And then you can always go to the Mystery Boys. And let me tell you, tonight's a premiere episode. It's good. You can watch it tonight. Premieres tonight, Mystery Boys. And guess who came on the show. Josh who? I don't know if this is a spoiler. I won't say anything else about it.

[Duncan Trussell (solo monologue)]

All right.

[Duncan Trussell]

Donnie Rothschild.

[Josh (Producer)]

Oh, shit.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, so it's pretty good.

[Josh (Producer)]

I hate that guy.

[Duncan Trussell]

You're such a dick. And I want. You're going to make me do spoilers, but you're being a dick. He's a wonderful dude and he's helped my family out an awful lot. So he's great. Did we do them all?

[Josh (Producer)]

Yep.

[Duncan Trussell]

You guys are the best. Thank you for tuning in. Thank you. This is an incredibly generous and active feed. We will be back next week. No, we won't be back. We're dark next week because I got a going on my last family vacation of the summer. Then after that, hitting the ground running. Big thank you to Josh for being such a great producer. I'll see you guys week after next watch the Mystery Boys. If you're missing me, I'll be back soon. Have a wonderful, wonderful weekend and God bless you all.

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