← Extra Dirty with Hallie Batchelder
Extra Dirty with Hallie Batchelder
Dissolving my filler & first date no-nos
00:42:03
BOOM BOOM BOOM!!! Grab an ice cream sandwich because it's a beautiful solo episode this week full of a venomous spider bite in Boston, a sexless sleepover & the horror of breakups (and the even scarier thought of never having one). Hallie reflects on the Love Island body count challenge and shares her take on why we care so much about our partner’s pasts. She breaks down the process of dissolving her filler, going on a rich daddy double date, and her takes on first date “rules” (no phones? no drinks? lol). Then Hallie answers YOUR burning questions, including whether she’s ever hooked up with an entire friend group. Enjoy cookies!! It's Extra Kind! Follow @extradirty on socials to keep up with Hallie and if you love what you hear, leave a review and subscribe to keep the chaos coming.
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- [00:00]
Hallie
Sony Pictures Classics presents. Oh, hi. Directed by Sophie Brooks. Starring Molly Gordon and Logan Lerman, Iris and Isaac's first romantic weekend goes hilariously wrong as Iris tries to prove they're meant to be in increasingly ridiculous and irrational ways. This dark romantic comedy explores the highs and lows of modern dating situationships and the ways it makes us all a little crazy. A Sundance and Tribeca festival favorite. Catch Ojai. In theaters nationwide on July 25th. Visit ojmovie.com for more info.
- [00:31]
Dax Shepard
Meeting new people just got way more fun. Because now you don't have to do it alone. With Tinder's new double date feature, you and your bestie can match together. Tap the double date icon to see profiles built for two. When two pairs match, the group chat kicks off. Scope the profiles, send memes, keep the chat fun. Hype each other up. Flirt a little, maybe plan a hang. It's always better when you're in it together. Try the new Tinder double date. Explore all the possibilities. Tinder. It starts with a swipe. Download Tinder today. I don't like preppy men. I like men that are, like, kind of disturbed and deranged and twisted and all sick. Kind of like a reflection of me. Okay, guys, I'm doing something really fucking stupid right now. We have an emergency debrief situation. Hi, this is Hallie from the streets of New York. Guys, I had every intention of staying in last night. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Welcome back to Extra Dirty. Happy Summer. How is everyone doing? I'm doing lovely. Look at this ice cream sandwich in my hand. I haven't had one of these since I was, like, six. Where do I want to start this episode? I feel like I have so much to update you guys on, but, like, also just I've been. It's been summer, and the weeks go by so quick, and the weeks merge together and the days. I don't know what day it is. I'm having way too many Hugo spritzes. I love a Hugo Spritz. Those are my jam. That's my drink choice of the summer. That and a Mount Gay and Tonic with a little lime and some lime juice. That's also a great drink of the summer. It's refreshing, it's beautiful, it's sexy, it's chic, and it's a great drink to order if you're, like, going on a first date in the summertime, in my opinion. Anyways, where do I start? Updates. Oh, my God. My dad got attacked by a fucking spider. Guys, my dad got bit by a spider. And it's not funny, but like, he almost died. He was in the hospital. So he got bit by this creepy ass spider. It bit him in his leg and apparently there's like a big ass well that was surrounding it. So he was like, whatever. He's just like me. Like, the apple doesn't fall far. Like when my leg could be dangling off my body and I'd be like, it's fine, I can sew it back together. It's not that big of a deal. Like, I don't overreact when it comes to, like, feeling sick or ill or anything. Like, I push through and like, usually that works. Feel like it's mind over matter when it comes to that shit. So he was just like, fudge it, Nantucket. Like, I'm going to be fine. It's just a spider bite. Turns out it's a venomous spider. So this welt starts to like, form on his thigh, okay? And he's still like, whatever wakes up the next morning. And my mom said no one told told me about this, by the way. I'm like hearing this all after he had gone to the hospital and everything. Like, no one called me to let me know that my dad was like in the ER on a antibiotic drip. So my mom said he was like, foggy and like a little lethargic and kind of confused, like something was off, okay? And he wasn't hungover, so, like, something was definitely off. So he goes to, like, get dressed because he was going to go to fucking CrossFit like he does every morning, like a psychopath. And he faints and hits the back of his head and like cracks open the back of his head and he's bleeding from his fucking dome. Still doesn't go to the hospital, although he does need a fucking staple in his head. He's sitting out. So, like, he gets up, my mom's like, what the fuck? You're bleeding from your head. This is insane. He goes over to, you know, go on his computer, which he does every morning, going through like credit card statements, emailing me and my siblings, yelling at us, you know, the whole shebang. And apparently this is what my mom said. He slumps over on top of his computer and starts seizing, like having a full blown fucking seizure. Like, passes out everything. And. And so my mom's like, trying to hold him up, I guess. And like is on the phone with 911 and apparently he comes through and he's like, don't call 91 1. Do not call he's a gash in his head. He just had a fudgeing seizure and he's, like, still debating, like, whether or not he's going to go to fucking CrossFit anyways. My mom's like, you have to go to the hospital and I'm bringing you. So he, like, gathers some strength up and goes to the hospital and he's on, like, this antibiotic drip and he's on antibiotics now and like, like what? A spider in Boston that's venomous. Like, now I'm scared to, like, go to my childhood home and, like, sleep. I don't know what that's about. I thought I'd share that story. What else? I had a sleepover with a boy last night. Production in the back is going like this. Yay. Yay. Yay. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yay. And we didn't fuck. And it was fucking disappointing. I was pissed. I wasn't, like, pissed, but I was like, at least, like, finger bang me or something. Like, we were like, cuddling and I was just like, what is the point? Like, we're not. I don't know you like that. Cuddling is almost like, more intimate to me than having sex. Is that crazy to say? Is that a hot take? I feel like, why are we cuddling? Like, I don't know you, but, like, you're in my bed. So I guess I kind of know you, but, like, I don't know you like that, but I don't know, maybe like, this guy, he's such a sweet guy. Like, almost like, too sweet for me. But I could tell he was, like, trying to be, like, a gentleman and, like, maybe like, not be so, like, presumptuous on the first night of us hanging out. But, like, babe, do you watch anything I post online? Like, do you hear the way I talk? Like, you know what you signed up for? Like, it's okay, but maybe next time I do think I'm gonna go on a date with this guy, though. This is a guy I would date. That's a hard statement. I was just saying this to Lauren a few days ago. I was like, I think I'm, like, ready to, like, enter my relationship era. And I've never in the seven years I've known Lauren, sat her down, be like, I think I'm, like, almost, almost ready to start dating because I just, like, immature. Like, I'm an immature, emotionally unintelligent person. I'm extremely self aware and I pride myself on that. But I'm so self aware to the point where, like, I don't want to burden another man with, like, my craziness because it would be a shitstorm. And I don't want more drama in my life. Not when I'm, like, out here, like, working, getting the bag. And I just don't feel like I in that space mentally to, like, start dating. But now I was like, you know what? I think I could see myself cuddling up with a man this fall or maybe next fall, but I don't know, committing to one guy. I don't know what's scarier to me. I'm going on a whole rant now. I don't know what's scarier to me. The thought of breaking up with someone or, like, going through a breakup or the thought of, like, never breaking up and, like, having to spend the rest of your life with someone. That's scary. They should do a horror film on that because. What? I don't know if we're meant to be. I don't want to say monogamous. I just. Again, I'm not there yet. I like being single. I like my alone time. I like not having to report to anyone. But I do get kind of jealous sometimes when I see my friends out and they're like, you know, cozying up to their boyfriends. Well, maybe not Lauren. She doesn't really do that that much. But like, Liv, like, she gets cozy with her boyfriend, I'm like, that's really sweet and cute. Maybe I want that someday for me, but for now, I'm just going to be a single fudgeing baddie and enjoy my summer. I've been a little bit asexual recently. Let's talk about that a little bit. Because I think going through asexual eras is really good for the soul. It's really important. You guys should, like, always take time to just, like, be by yourself. Buy a good vibrator. Just be you. Be one with your hand. Okay? We don't need a fucking man. Also, I just, like, see all these men. Maybe my contacts prescription is all fudged up because I look out into the sea of men at every fucking establishment I go to, and I just get fucking pissed because they're all fucking beat as hell. Or maybe my eyes are just fucked up, but I'm pretty sure they're just beat as fucking hell. Okay. And I also don't want my body count to, like, go up that much more. But it will. It definitely will. And I can't control that. Do we care about body counts? I. Okay, this is a good topic to talk about. I'm like, so ADHD today, so we're going to be jumping around a lot today. But body counts. Mine is extremely high. Not crazy high, but, like, it looks like a phone book, you know, it does look like a yearbook list or something like that. It's all crazy. I don't give a fuck about that, though. I all see those things as experiences and content, things I can talk about online. I've always taken a positive from each of those men. I've learned something new, whether that's a new position or what men to avoid or something. Like, I always take something out of every encounter I've had with literally anyone. But, like, met especially you are always learning something. But anyways, body counts. I'm trying to think, like, I was watching this on Love island. Actually, I'm, like, really getting to getting into Love island right now. And they were doing a body count challenge. I don't know if this was the USA or All Stars or whatever I was watching, but they were doing, like, a body count challenge. And these were lying. I know they were lying. I don't know if some of the men were lying, but, like, these girls were lying. If I had to go in there and do the body count challenge, like, I was watching some of these girls, and they would be like, my body count six. And the guys would be like, oh, fuck, man. Like, what the fuck? Fucking for the streets, motherfucker. And I think that is insane. Mine would be something crazy, and, like, I would be probably kicked out of the villa. That's how I feel also. Why do we care about, like, what our partners have done before? Like, they knew we even existed. I just don't believe in that. Maybe I'm not crazy enough because I know a lot of girls, and I feel like this is, like, universal experience with a lot of girls that they just, like, care a lot of what their boyfriend or partners have done. Like, they get mad at, like, things that they weren't even around for. And I never understood that. And I feel like I need to step up my crazy game or something because I just don't get it. Like, if it was before you and there's after you and there is during. And, like, I just think it should be like, that. Like, if a guy had a. Like, there's a point where it's fucking insane. Like, you don't want, like, a 2000 body count, or, like, you don't want to, like, be hooking up with someone that's fucked, like, 5,000 people. And I was like, a sex addiction. I'VE hooked up with a sex addict before. Actually, probably a few. I might be one myself. No, I'm not. My body count's really not that high. But like, I've hooked up with some guys that definitely have sex addictions. They've had other addictions too, but they got sober and now I just have sex addictions. I've hooked up with multiple people. I feel like that filled this category. And I just feel like when you hook up with someone with a sex addiction that they're, you're like a drug to them. And you're not like a human with a beating heart and soul. You're just like a hit to them, like a drug. So that's the only thing where I, like, draw the line. But other than that, body counts. I think we need to get rid of them. Who cares? Like, I don't give a fudge. I think it'd be weird if someone had a body count of one that's fudgeing. Weird. Like, get out there and fog. Okay, you guys, this episode is brought to you by Zoc Talk. I don't know about you guys, but my entire social bead is filled with different health trends. Red light therapy can solve every skin problem. You should be slamming olive oil shots first thing in the morning. How about we give the algorithm a rest? Turn to IRL healthcare professionals who can help you meet your health goals. And with zocdoc, it's easy. Zocdoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment. We're talking about booking in network appointments with more than 100,000 doctors across every special specialty from mental health to dental health, primary care to urgent care and more. Appointments made through Zocdoc also happen fast, typically within 24 to 72 hours of booking. You can even score same day appointments. I know for me personally, when I first moved to New York City, I was using ZocDoc to book dentist appointments because I couldn't find a good dentist. So this was a really helpful tool to achieve that. Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to Zocdoc.com/extradirty to find an instantly booked book. A top rated doctor today. That's Z-O C--O C.com extra dirty Zocdoc.com extra dirty with summer being in full swing, you start to feel that familiar urge to refresh your closet. But why waste money on pieces you'll only wear once or just for one season? That's Where Quinn's comes in, their clothes are timeless, feel luxurious, look elevated, and the quality is way beyond what you'd expect for the price. Think 100% European linens, tops starting at $30. Washable silk dresses and skirts and soft cotton sweaters. Versatile warm weather pieces you'll reach for again and again. For me personally, I ordered a throw blanket from Quince. It's so soft and matches my apartment perfectly. You guys should check out the home decor items for quints too. Give your summer closet an upgrade with quince. Go to quince.com/dirty for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That' Q, U I N C E.com/extra dirty to get free shipping on your order and 360 five day returns. Quince.com/extra dirty what else? Oh, I took all my filler out of my face, which shocked the Internet. But guys, I think it was time. It was time. I feel like my audience right now is watching my frontal lobe develop in real time. This was like a big step for me. I knew it needed to happen, but I want it needed to happen on my own time, my own prerogative. It was my idea. It wasn't the Internet that was telling me to. Although the Internet trolls have trolled me a million times, telling me, like, you need to get everything that you've done to your face reversed. And like, yeah, and sometimes I've agreed with that, but it had to be my idea or else I wouldn't have liked it. Okay. But now I feel so much better and free. I feel like a fresh daisy. I feel like it's honestly the biggest flex ever. If you're my age and you haven't gotten any work done, like, just like this day and age, I feel like it's the biggest flex. There's something so beautiful about having just like no fillers or no Botox. It's never gonna be me. I'm gonna do it again and probably do Botox the rest of my life. But there is a flex that. And there's something to be said about girls that, like, don't feel like they have to do anything to their bodies. That's called security and confidence. And I aspire to have that, but I don't. I have lots of insecurities and I use needles to fix them, and I'm okay with that. And that's the life I chose to live. And that's just my path in life. And that's okay. But the filler removal process, I will say, was a bit unpleasant. I would say an abortion is worse. So I like, on the pain scale, that's not that bad. I would say the IUD's in the middle. Abortions on the far right is top 10 things. And I have a high, high, high pain tolerance. Like it needs to be studied. I would say the abortion was the worst because I took the pill and like the it makes your uterus contract and it's the most insane pain I've ever felt in my life. Ladies, please wear condoms or don't let them cream pie you or take that plan B, because that's some painful ass. And if you do get knocked up and you decide not to keep it, I would do the sur because that's painless. And I hear that's the way to go. I thought the abortion pill would be like, plan B and it would just be like, I took it after a night out. Bad idea, don't do that. I learned a lot from that, which is why I got the iud, which was also painful. But at that point I felt like I deserved the pain because I felt so guilty and bad. But anyways, the filler, it feels like a little bit of a sting. It's definitely a little more uncomfortable than getting filler put in. What was annoying about that process? I think for the most part it was like I spent thousands, thousands of dollars putting filler in just to, like, get rid of it. And I was like, hell, Christ, I was pissed. But I feel like I do look a lot better and I will go back. It takes like two weeks to get into the full effect. And I'm gonna go back in two weeks to get more taken out. And then I'm gonna have all of it out for a few weeks. And then I'll maybe do like a minimal, you know, lip flip, maybe just like a little pinch here and there just to add some structure to my upper lip. Because that was always my biggest insecurity, was my upper lip situation. Because I do want to have dsl. I'm honestly kind of worried, like, what sucking dick is going to be like. Am I going to still give the most virus fucking sucky McGee ever without my fucking fake ass DSLs? I'm scared. I'll test it out with that boy at a sleepover with last night. But, like, we'll see. I'll report back and see how it is. I feel like I'll be fine. I feel like there's a lot of shit going around, like, stigma around filler right now especially. I feel so bad for that sweet girl that's online love island Vanna. And that's like scary because like, you don't know what people are talking on the Internet. Like the Internet trolls have like grown and they've gotten angrier and like they need to be taken off this earth. Death to them all. Okay, that was aggressive. But the sweet girl, Vanna, she was getting ripped for her filler and I just like, like first, like, leave that poor sweet girl alone. She literally did nothing to you guys. Also, if someone wants to get work done to their body, that's their own business. And they shouldn't have to explain that to anyone. They're not putting filler in your body. So I don't know why everyone gets so offended by it. It's like none of your business. And leave that poor sweet angel alone. Also, like, what do you look like whenever people chirp me for my looks online? First of all, I'm like, lol. And then I'm like, wait, what do you look like, you ugly freak? You're probably beat as hell in your parents basement being a weirdo. Okay, anyways, that was like my little ran on filler. I just want everyone to feel like, beautiful in their own bodies. And that's like what's most important. If you feel beautiful, then nothing else should matter. It's your own body. You have to go to bed with it at night. You have to look at yourself in the mirror. Do whatever the you want. If you want to put a horn on top of your head, glued to your head, that is all you, baby cakes. And I am in full support of it.
- [19:11]
Monica Padman
Hello, I'm Dax Shepard.
- [19:13]
Hallie
And I'm Monica Padman.
- [19:14]
Monica Padman
And we love talking to people. Every Monday and Wednesday, we sit down with actors, authors, scientists, really, anyone interesting, and have real honest conversations about life, success, failure, and everything in between. We get vulnerable, we get nerdy. And yes, I occasionally overshare.
- [19:29]
Hallie
Me too. And I would say more than occasionally.
- [19:31]
Monica Padman
Yeah. But some of our favorite stories actually come from you, our listeners. That's why we created Armchair Anonymous.
- [19:37]
Hallie
Yes, every Friday on Armchair Anonymous, we get to hear your funniest, weirdest, most jaw dropping confessions. And boy, have you delivered.
- [19:45]
Monica Padman
Yeah. From disastrous dates to family secrets to the time you accidentally joined a cult or evacuated without authorization, we really have heard it all. Yes, we have. And we love it. So come pull up a chair. Listen to Armchair Expert wherever you get your podcasts.
- [20:00]
Dax Shepard
Tipping culture is out of control. Yesterday I tipped someone just for handing me a napkin. So when hotels.com gives me up to 20% off for being A member. I finally get tipped. And you know what? It feels good. Hotels.com members save up to 20% off at hundreds of thousands of hotels. Anyways, let's talk about something else. Let's talk. I mentioned this a little bit earlier. You know, I'm thinking about getting back on the dating scene. What's the best way to wean yourself back into the dating scene and going on a motherfucking double date with your best friend? And that's what I plan to do in the next few weeks. I'm trying to. I'm like low key, booked and motherfucking busy. But I'm trying to like pencil it in with my best friend, her fiance in this handsome king. I was thinking about this because I've been on double dates before and is going on a double date super early on when you're just getting to know someone, is that a good, a good call or is that a bad move? Like, should you be solo for your first few dates? And should like double dates be something you do when you're like more exclusive and established and like X, Y and Z? This is my thought on it. I think it could go both ways. For instance, I think maybe on a double date, especially if you're with a couple that's already established, you could maybe be a little more reserved and you're gonna feel like all eyes are on you. Like you're almost at dinner with your parents or something. Like, kind of like I could get. There would be some like awkwardy vibes. Also, like, you're with your best friend. Like, I would be like bursting out in laughter the whole time. Or you could be your most like, true, authentic self. Because I know with me in my best friend Lauren, she just brings out the best in me. So I'm like, why wouldn't I bring out someone that brings out my most true, authentic self on a date like that? Just like two plus two equals motherfucking four here. That's like how I see it. Like we've gone on double dates before. Like, me and Lauren used to go on double dates with this one daddy. But it wasn't really a double date because when you're like going on a double date and one of them's a daddy, like, he kind of becomes the daddy for everyone. Like, he was like my friend Lauren's daddy. He was Jordan's daddy. Like he was everyone's fucking daddy that walked in his path. And I would suggest, like, if you are looking to go on a double date, secure yourself a man that can pay for Everyone. And that's honestly goals. I always say this because I do think that Lauren's fiance is gonna be uber, uber, uber successful. I'm like, one day, if I don't have a man, Jordan, like, hopefully you can just take care of all of us. We can go to saint parts and you could just be all of our daddies. That's the goal. And I don't have to deal with the yapping man that way, which is nice. But anyways, that's what I think about that. Yeah. So this upcoming double date, I wouldn't say I'm nervous. Everyone knows each other pretty well. We've all kind of hung out. We've been planning this date for a while. What I'm a little skeptical about is, like, how I'm gonna act on the date in front of my best friend. Like, am I gonna be silly goose? Am I gonna scare this guy off? Am I gonna be, like, saying the whole time? Because that seems to be like, something I'm doing right now. I feel like it's like, almost like you're like. Like I'm trying to, like, impress my parents with, like, my, like, dating skills. And like, it's almost like they're watching us. I don't know. That's how it's gonna feel because they're already. So they're fiances. Like, they're getting married. They're already so established. So it's like a very established couple going on a date with like, some. A couple that just, like, doesn't exist yet or at all. So that'll be interesting to see. Also, like, location. Like, what are the rules for double dates? Do we, like. I like, also don't like going on dates, like, in general. Like, where do we go? Like, I haven't gone on a date in a minute. Like, do you go to, like, I would go to a members club. I feel like we're gonna go to Shea Margot and we're gonna be in the corner. It'll be like, cozy, cute, and private. They have really good martinis. For a double date or a date in general, I feel like the martini selection should be top tier. So like the corner store, the Polo bar, you know, Shame. Our go Zero Bond svb. I'm just naming, like my favorite places right now, but that's important. But also, like, how do you end the night? Because I'm bad at dating. Because I will sleep with you on the first date, and that's my bad. I don't know how to stop that. I'm really bad at saying no, but I'm also like, you know, after a couple drinks, you know, I start to feel warm and fuzzy in places and I'm like, let's. Let's rock it. I can't be the only one that does that. Okay? I can't be the only one that does that. But maybe he's a gentleman and he'll be like, get away from me, whore. I don't know. We'll see what happens. I think it'll be fun and cute and it'll be good practice. You know, dating's practice. Like flirting is practice. When people say it's a numbers game, like, I get what they're saying, but like, I don't even know how people are compiling so many men. Maybe it's because I'm not on Hinge, I'm on Raya, which I swear all these are either gay or AI generated. Like I don't think they're real. And I mean that's just like my own opinion on that. But I do think it is a numbers game. And like, you have to like keep putting yourself out there. But I'm like cross eyed a lot. And also there's not. I don't all the cute men, I don't know where the they're hanging out. I gotta try out some new spots. I feel like the fall, they all come back from like Euro Summer and all that. And it's like a better, like better numbers game. But yeah, it's coughing season. You get it, you got it. But I'm like gonna make it a mission to be semi sober this weekend. And I'm actually gonna go out of my way. I'm gonna make it my homework to go out of my way and approach men at bars because they're too much to approach me. Or maybe they're scared of my cross eyes because I'm too tipsy with Gypsy. I don't know. I'm gonna make it a goal to like try to like put myself out there a little bit this weekend. But there's no hot guys. I always say this. It's a Pam Dem dick and it's really upsetting. I might go older again. But the thing is with older guys, like, why are you single? It's a red flag to a point. Unless you're divorced. Divorce. Aids are kind of hot. It's kind of chic. I could see that being like chic. Like imagine like a divorced man. Like, okay, you're Chicago, but we'll see. I'm going to Nantucket this weekend and you'd think There'd be like rich men just flocking around everywhere. There are rich daddies, but they're all wearing like, you know, sperries. And I don't with sperries at all. Like what are you doing? That weird boat shoe. You don't even have a boat. But if you do, I'll like let the Sperry slide. But it's a poor wardrobe choice nonetheless. That is so 2012. They're just like not my type. I don't like preppy men. I like men that are like kind of disturbed and deranged and twisted and all sick. Kind of like a reflection of me. But then again, these are maybe just the amount I attract. I don't know. I'm working on it. I also want to see if I like can get a therapist this fall because I do like hearing myself talk right now. I probably have some stuff I need to work on a little bit, but you know, it's a tomorrow. It's like a tomorrow problem. We're gonna save that until like September, October. Okay. Now that I'm like on the subject of like dates and whatever first dates, I was like thinking to myself, like, what are like the first dates do's and don't And I pulled up this list and I'm going to like read them and say whether I've done this or would do this or definitely don't do this and just give my takes on them because I feel like this could be really funny and maybe explain why I'm single. Okay, let's start. The first one is don't talk about yourself endlessly. I actually don't do that. I like to listen and absorb in any relationship, whether that's platonic or romantic. I absorb people before I give myself and I feel like that's just part of my personality. But I like that part of my personality. I'm very analytical. And then I'll like give a synopsis and I'll be like, boom, that's my opinion. And then I'll like decide whether I can like let my guard down or not. That's how I roll. Okay, don't quiz them. I, I do ask a lot of questions, but only the hard hitting ones. I definitely should be better about that. But you win some, you lose some. Don't dismiss them because they're not your type. I'm really bad at this because then you feel like, why am I like changing my type? Like who told me to do that? Why are you even on a date with them if they're not your type? I I just think life is too short to be like giving these freaks a chance. If they're not your type, how do.
- [28:49]
Hallie
You know if you don't go on.
- [28:50]
Dax Shepard
A date with them? Instagram. Tick tock. If they don't have Instagram though, that's really hot. I will say man with no social media makes me super wet, but that's a sidebar. I just think that. I don't know though. That's a good point that you bring up because I've dated guys that physically aren't my type but personality wise such my type and if a guy is funny, I've said this a million times and I will say it a million times more. If a guy is funny, I would take that any day over the hottest guy that is is super. Just like, like I don't want that. That just made my wet. I want to flirt and giggle. Okay, don't talk about your ex is the next one. I, I mean I talk about my exes all the time on here. They probably all hate me. I'm so sorry guys but like you shouldn't have crossed me. I would say it depends how organically it comes up. I don't people, this might be a hot takeaway. I don't think it's the worst thing if your ex comes up because I do feel like it. It's telling. It like says a lot but like if the guys like keeps bringing up his angst, like he's clearly not over that and I don't want to be a part of that situation. So it depends. Is he doing it or am I doing it? Next one. Don't avoid eye contact. Why would you do that on a first date or with anyone when you're speaking to them across the table? I think that you should always make eye contact. Honestly, I think you should go overboard with the eye contact and like I them that's one of the ways I flirt. But then I get cross eyed after a couple martinis and then I'm like whoa. Okay, don't put too much pressure on yourself. I think that after a drink you loosen up a little bit. It should be fun. Dating should be fun. Like it feels you're interviewing someone for like sex almost in a way it is, but it should be like light hearted and fun and silly goose and it's like not that deep. So just like be yourself. Honestly, not me preaching about dating rules when I like haven't been on date in a minute. But whatever, you can listen or you can't listen, whatever. Okay, don't drink Too much alcohol. I'm just gonna skip that one because I think you should be able to drink as much as you want on a first date. And I've been victim to getting a little too gypsy with gypsy, but I get nervous before a first date. I'm a human with tits. Okay. Who doesn't have a little, like, drinky poo before their first date. Like, I am pre gaming the first date. I'm not shotgunning 19 beers or, like, taking 30 shots and, like, having to get, like, wheelchaired out of my first date. But I will show up a little, like, you know, loose. I feel like that brings out my personality, which might be alcoholism. You know, this is a thing that I'm trying to work on recently is, like, not relying on alcohol. It's like, like, be social and social settings, and I do that. I need to stop doing that. And I'm aware that I do that. But we'll work on it. Okay, Next. Don't try to be someone else. Don't do that. I don't. Like. What do you mean? Like, don't be a. Try hard. Don't do that. Don't have your phone on the table. Well, yes, but, like, if I just posted an Instagram, I am checking the likes. I am checking how well it's doing, who's commenting. I'm checking. Goodbye.
- [32:02]
Hallie
Okay.
- [32:02]
Dax Shepard
Yeah. And he's going to have to deal with that because I'm not changing for him. They said be yourself earlier on in this list. That is me being myself. I'm not going to be, like, on the phone to live Manny, like, FaceTiming her, like, doing a debrief while I'm at dinner with this gentleman. But I do think checking your phone every once in a while is, like, not the end of the world. Okay. Don't eat anything sticky or stinky. And keep smoking to a minimum. That's up. If my vape is near me and it's calling my name, I will be hitting it. But maybe like, a ghost suck, no smoke. Hold it in while he's not looking, while he's ordering the food. But, like, I don't really typically order, you know, as we know, I'm not. Not, like, the biggest foodie, but, like, I don't typically order anything on a date that you can, like, pick up with your hands. You don't want to order a rack of ribs, but, like, eat a salad, pasta, like, things you can eat with a fork. Nothing you can pick up with your hands. Unless it's like, a French fry. Then that's okay. But I agree with that. Don't go on about your kids, but don't forget to mention them. Well, yeah, I mean, if I didn't know this man had kids, I'd be like, okay, what? Like mommy, mamacita? Like, I'm gonna need to know if that man is a child. I haven't really run into this, and probably the people watching me haven't run into this as well, so we can probably disregard that. But if you do have a kid, like, mention that. Probably. Or not. I don't care what you do anyways. That was fun. I like that segment.
- [33:37]
Monica Padman
Hello, I'm Dax Shepard.
- [33:39]
Hallie
And I'm Monica Padman.
- [33:41]
Monica Padman
And we love talking to people. Every Monday and Wednesday, we sit down with actors, authors, scientists, really anyone interesting and have real honest conversations about life, success, failure, and everything in between. We get vulnerable, we get nerdy. And yes, I occasionally overshare.
- [33:55]
Hallie
Me too. And I would say more than occasionally.
- [33:58]
Monica Padman
Yeah. But some of our favorite stories actually come from you, our listeners. That's why we created Armchair Anonymous.
- [34:04]
Hallie
Yes, every Friday on Armchair Anonymous, we get to hear your funniest, weirdest, most jaw dropping confessions. And boy, have you delivered.
- [34:12]
Monica Padman
Yeah. From disastrous dates of family secrets to the time you accidentally joined a cult or evacuated without authorization, we really have heard it all. Yes, we have. And we love it. So come, pull up a chair. Listen to Armchair Expert wherever you get your podcasts. Introducing Family Freedom from T Mobile.
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Dax Shepard
We'll pay off four phones up to $3200 and give you four free phones, all on America's largest 5G network. Visit t mobile.com family freedom. Come on.
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Monica Padman
Up to 800 per line via virtual prepaid card.
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Dax Shepard
Typically takes 15 days. Free phone via 24 monthly bill credits with finance agreement. Example Apple iPhone 16128 gigs 829.99 eligible trade in. Example iPhone 11 Pro for well qualified credits end and balance due. If you pay off earlier, cancel contact us. Okay. Last week I had a whole segment about grade and how much I love him. It got me thinking, who should I spread kindness to this week? And who will root? This is a new segment. Who are we giving kindness to? And who will rue in generations to come over. Exactly. Okay, because I have a whole list compiled, it would be easier to start with who will rue because lots of things will rude. This week on my list, Canada. Canada will root. I don't know why that's on there. I think there's like an issue with my passport and it's hard to get into the Country. They're making it difficult. I had to fill all this paperwork and I had to miss a trip. Canada will root. I love you, Canada, but you will root today, but I'll see you next week if I can get there. The voice note I drunkenly sent at 4am to one of my fans over Instagram DM while I was with a man in bed, like, fooling around. That voice note will rue. And I can't even listen to it because it's really scaring me. I've been thinking about it all day. They replied, she was so sweet. She's like, oh, my God, like, love you. Like, I listen to your podcast every, every week. And I'm like, I'm so sorry, but, like, this is so on brand that I sent that. But I'm so sorry you received that. Because she replied, I don't think you meant to send that to me. I was probably like, take off your pants, motherfucker. But who else? The father that called me Benson Boone in public around all my friends. He will root. Did I tell you the story? This is the craziest fucking shit ever. I told this story on TikTok, but I'm gonna say it again with my full fake chest. We're all sitting around the table at Crew. We're boozing, we're giggling, we're having a grand old time. The liquors, well, we're like, hey, to the left. Hey, hey, to the right. Hey, hey. Like, so happy. The vibes were so high. This old man comes up to me. He's not old. He's like in his 60s. He's very sweet, very kind, sweet man. But he was so serious. His daughter must have been with him. And I thought that was so funny because they absolutely trolled me. I thought it was the funniest joke. And because it was so random and curated, I was like, like, honestly, respect. And this is very impressive to me. This man came over to me and he goes, I'm so sorry to interrupt you guys. And my daughter is too afraid to come over and ask herself, but I need to know, are you Benson Moon? Like, are you. Are you the Benson, The Benson Moon? And I'm like, moon, Moon ice cream. No. Like, I was so gobsmacked. Gobsmacked. And I rarely use that word. I was gob, smacking, smucking. Lauren and I, our jaws hit the floor at lightning speed. I, like, didn't even have words. For the first time ever, I was speechless. I was like, what? And this guy was like, you're the Benson Moon. I thought he meant Bonnie Blue. That would have been more believable. But Benson Boone, what the fuck's going on? I was like, what the hell? No, I've been thinking about that a lot too. Like, do I look like Benson Boner? He will rue, but, like, gently rue because he looked like a sweet man. And maybe his daughter will rue, but, like, also, like, I don't really give a. My sleepover last night with no dick will roo. Like, what was that? What are we at sleepaway camp? What is this? Am I your therapist? What is this Cuddling? No, decline. I don't want it. I don't subscribe unsubscribe crap. But I did cuddle. But you know that thing where you, like, push, like you kind of, like, grind back into them? I mean, I don't have much of, like, a ass and maybe just thought it was like, an elbow or something instead of, like, my bony ass. But he just, like, was not picking up anything. I was throwing down or throwing back. I'll say. And I was like, what is the point? Now I'm just sharing a bed with this man and I got nothing in return. So that will room, but he won't room because I'll bless him eventually. Oh, this woman at an event I was at last night was, like, asking why I was there if I was, like, not on the list of nominees. And I thought she should room because I was like, who says that? She's like, oh, must have been a mistake that you were invited. Then I go, what? Who talks to people like that? You're weird. Goodbye. And you know who you are. And I'm looking in both cameras. You. Anyways, next, let's spread some kindness. I think, who do I want to spread kindness to today? You know, I'm going to give a shout out to my friend Paige Lorenz. I'm texting her right now, which is why I thought of it. I texted her and I go, can you teach me how to vlog? Because, like, she's the only good. Like, she's so good at it. And I was like, can you teach me how to be a real influencer? And she's gonna help me with that, hopefully. Also. I just, like, love her. And she's one of the sweetest, most kindest souls I've ever met. And I'm blessed to have that in my life. And I see her tomorrow in Nantucket and Tommy, and I'm so excited to see them, and we're gonna have so much fun, and I love them. It looks Like, I want to swing with them or something. But I do love them and I can't wait to do that. Anyways, who else do I want to spread kindness to? Jojo Siwa. I just feel like I've been really mean about her lately. Like, I've been going in on Jojo behind her back, and I feel like I'm. I feel like a troll. Low key. Like I'm low key becoming a fan because I've trolled her so much in my head. And I just feel like she deserves a little kindness for me. So I'm going to be spreading kindness to Jojo. Jojo, I love you. And I feel bad. I don't mean anything, I think. But I did see that snippet of her singing and I was like, what? Everything I learn about her is against. No, this is a kindness. No being kind. Sorry, sorry, sorry. JoJo. Love you. Who else? I think my mom. I want to spread some kindness to my mom. I know my dad gets a lot of love on social media. My mom's a little bit more shy and, like, reserved. Doesn't love being in front of the camera. But when I say she is the woman that holds this whole show together, I mean that. And she is a very patient. And she has four kids that are all crazy in their own right. And she's an amazing human and I'm blessed to have her as a mother. Wow. I'm being so nice today. But I mean it. Who deserves kindness? I'm trying to think Love Island. I mean, I've talked about this a little on the today's episode, but I think Vanna deserves some kindness. Vanna seems so sweet and was getting ripped to shreds on the Internet. And I think people need to be sweeter to that poor girl. Like, she did nothing to you. Like, this poor angel. And I feel like she handled it super well. Like I would have. I mean, I've been subjected to people talking about my looks a lot too. But she handled it like a boss. And I respect the out of that. She rolled it right off her shoulders, and I feel like that's the only way to handle it. And I think that shows a lot of confidence and I respect the out of her for that. That. Because not everyone can do that. Whether they say they can or can't you. It takes thick skin to get trolled and, like, just, like, walk away from it. But I respected how she handled that and she deserves kindness. Thank you. Okay, I think that's good for this segment. Okay, guys, now we're Gonna get into some of your questions. This is, like, my favorite part of my day. Let's rip it open and spread our labias and get into it. You guys have the best, like, questions. And I'm gonna do this weekly where I post it on the extra D account. You guys ask me whatever the you want to ask me. Like, it could be super random, like, your favorite restaurants in New York City, or, like, how to get my labia to do this. Like, it could be anything that comes to your mind. Ask me whatever, and I will try my best to give you a good answer. Have you ever a friend group on purpose or on accident? Yeah, and I'll do it again. Okay. Sometimes a friend group is just full point. Like, they're all fine. They all, like, gather, and they're like, a hot friend group. So if one of them doesn't work out, there's another, like, nice one to look at that's not too far away. I don't think it's a bad thing. I always said, like, homie hopping is like, whatever. Like, it happens, and, like, it's bound to happen. I feel like with friend groups, I just don't see how to avoid it sometimes. There's this one friend group that I accidentally. In New York. I didn't mean to, but I've gotten through most of them, and it was on accident, but I'd do it again. They're all very hot. I think it's fun. Whatever. I feel like guys don't really talk, like, about sex, like, with girls behind our backs as much as we think. I think that's, like, a girl thing. I know there's, like, locker room talk, but I think, like, girls talk about, like, sex literally more than guys. That might be a hot take, but I feel like guys are, like, kind of, like, DL in private about their sex lives. Or, like, they'll be very, like, vague about. They'll be like, oh, it was, like, good. But, like, girls will, like, be like, let's do the position play by play. What? Like, dirty talk, did you say in his ear? Like, like, all these things? Because it's like, girlhood. We're, like, learning from each other at the end of the day. So I think, like, yeah, but I don't think. Have I friend group was the question. Yes, I have, and I'll probably do it again. Sue me, don't sue me. Tips for maybe starting to film tik toks without cringing at yourself. This is a great question because I cringed at myself every tik tok. Every clip, you Want to work through the cringe. That's how you be successful in this career. If you can work, work through the cringiness in the cringy era in like going through the era like. Like you gotta start somewhere and like you gotta start from like if you can get through videos flopping but like you consistently posting you're cringing at like your whatever you're talking about. If you can get through that, see that like pot at the end of the rainbow gets the bright side then you will be successful in this career. There's not one creator I don't know that hasn't cringed at themselves and you just gotta do it like who gives a. At the end of the day we're just like beating hearts on this planet on this floating rock. Do you? And be true to yourself. I would say for posting TikToks I feel like what makes me kind of stand out is that I never conformed to some sort of niche or some sort of genre. I guess I just talked my and I never skewed that or lied about that. I always told stories that were authentic to me. Always had fun with it, always laughed at myself. I love some self deprecating humor. I like love laughing at myself Be cringe. I feel like that is the fun of it all. At the end of the day it's not that deep and I would say post that. Tick tock. Post it, post it, post it and yeah. Okay, next question. Do we owe it to a situationship to be exclusive if we haven't had the the conversation yet? Yes and no. I don't think that you should be exclusive to anyone if you haven't had that conversation because that makes no sense. But also that's so much easier said than done. I know for me when I like someone usually I like love a situationship honestly more than relationships. I've been in like ending of a situation that cuts deep and it burns. Okay. I know me when I like someone. I. I would never someone else. I just can't do it. And that's just me. I don't really understand how people that like say they genuinely like someone and then sleep with other people. I don't believe they're telling the truth. So yeah. Do we owe it to a situation to be exclusive? I. I just owe it on accident because I am exclusive to them. I don't mean to be a situationship is a situationship because it's like not real to one person. If both people were locked in on the same level it would be a relationship does that make sense? There's no need to be a situationship. Okay? Every situationship I've been in, I've been totally locked in. It's the guy that doesn't want to date me for some weird, weird mental illness or something. I don't know why they wouldn't want to date me. I'm a great time, great in bed, and I suck the life out of someone via mouth. So I don't know. Anyways, you owe it to them. No and yes and I don't even know if I answered that well, but I answered it in the way I wanted to answer it. So yeah. Anyways, that's like the end of segment for today. I think I want to spend more time doing questions next week. I think that would be fun and flirty and maybe I do like a full episode of Just Answering Questions. This was a fun episode. You guys know I love these solo episodes. I used to be so bad at them and I feel like I've gotten in a groove where we're like, it's just us, it's me and you guys and we're kicking like Kiki on the river and we're having fun. It feels intimate. We're talking, we're hanging out. But anyways, this episode, you can watch it on YouTube. As always, like, comment, subscribe, say nice things, tell your friends, tell your grandma, maybe don't tell your grandma if they're really old, we don't want them having strokes at my content. But like subscribe on every other platform. You guys know the drill. As always, I love you so much and I will see you next week. My little freaks.
- [47:57]
Monica Padman
Now is your time to get into a new Dr. Horton home by taking advantage of their national red tag sales event, now extended through July 27. Stop by any of their participating communities and find select red tag homes at incredible pricing. So whether you're buying your first home or looking for an upgrade, you don't want to miss. The red tag sales event extended to July 27th. Discover the Dr. Horton Difference at drhorton.com Dr. Horton America's Builder and equal housing opportunity builder.
- [48:27]
Dax Shepard
The essential carrot puree made with organic carrots, bit of green apple and a touch of ginger. Served still slightly warm and fed mostly to 7 month old Harper and her 3 year old Doodle named Arthur who helped clean up any remainder.
- [48:42]
Hallie
The essential first bite made possible by Vitamix only. The essential parents of tweens if you're.
- [48:49]
Dax Shepard
Familiar with far off drop offs. Dad, stop.
- [48:51]
Hallie
Stop. Stop right here or get DMs about what's for dinner. You may be experiencing tween milestones for your son or daughter. These can start at age 9. HPV vaccination, a type of cancer prevention against certain HPV related cancers, can start then, too.
- [49:05]
Dax Shepard
For most, HPV clears on its own. But for those who don't clear the virus, it can cause certain cancers later in life.
- [49:11]
Hallie
Embrace this phase. Help protect them in the next.
- [49:13]
Dax Shepard
Ask their doctor today about HPV vaccination. Brought to you by Merck.