We gotta talk… Love Island, sexy chocolates & Mallorca debrief

Summary

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Extra Dirty with Hallie Batchelder

Episode: We Gotta Talk… Love Island, Sexy Chocolates & Mallorca Debrief

Released July 9, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this lively and unfiltered episode of Extra Dirty, Hallie Batchelder and her friend Lauren dish about everything from their recent bachelorette trip in Mallorca, wild relationship stories, pop culture hot takes (especially on Love Island drama), and unabashed chat about sex, dating, beauty routines, and “questionable decisions that make the best stories.” The vibe is intimate, honest, and extra flirty, with plenty of laughs, spicy opinions, and realness about female friendships.

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Mallorca Bachelorette Recap (01:37–06:40)

Highlights:

• Hallie and Lauren just returned from a bachelorette party in Deya, Mallorca.
• The trip focused more on relaxing, boat days, and nice dinners than hard partying.
• Hallie describes entering “flow state”: “I've never been so relaxed in my life. I want to go there on many retreats.” (01:44)
• Airbnb stories: Initial skepticism turned to love for the quirky, “bougie” but bug-filled house ("I was mogged by bugs" [04:39]).
• Sun, topless tanning, and worries about being “tan mogged” by other women at future bachelorettes. Hallie admits: “I went bed tanning today. ... Paige is gonna tan mog me at her bachelorette and I can’t.” (06:06)

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Beauty, Skincare, and Tanning Confessions (06:40–08:07)

• Hallie raves about her new Korean skincare obsession, particularly Medicube and peptides: “It feels like therapy for my face.” (06:54)
• Lauren is shocked Hallie went into a tanning bed (“I, I’m not over the fact that you went into a tanning bed.” [07:18])
• Hallie shares a funny story about being recognized at the tanning salon.

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Dating & Social Media Real Talk (08:10–10:56)

• Hallie canceled a date with an aspiring influencer:
  • "He’s so nice to me... but that gives me the ick." (08:23)
  • They discuss her habit of posting guys she doesn’t actually like and hiding guys she does.
• Hallie’s male follower base: "I don’t really have any male fans. They’re all gay males. ... Whenever a straight man comes up to me... I’m like, either you’re gay and don’t know it yet or you’re trolling me." (10:04)
• The duo poke fun at how their candid conversations sometimes offend people in their lives.
  • “Sometimes I forget there’s cameras here… just yapping.” (10:43)

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The Art of Flirting, Love Island Banter, and Friendship Rituals (11:14–13:14)

• Discussion about modern dating and strategies:
  • "Who’s going to buy a car they haven’t test-driven ever?" — Hallie [13:41]
• Lauren jokes about showing Hallie’s photo to men at dinner to promote her:
  • “Should I make your photo my background at the dinner party and say, do you want this?” (12:08)
• On opening up:
  • Hallie: "Instead of opening my legs, I should start opening my heart more." (13:07)
  • Lauren: "Maybe legs and heart at the same time." (13:17)

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Sexy Chocolates, Arousal, and Relationship Playfulness (16:13–18:00)

• Hallie discusses her experience with “sexual arousal chocolates” by Alice:
  • "It feels like a healthy Molly." (16:18)
  • “Me and the most recent guy, we both took them, and we’re both like, holy fuck, we’re so horny.” (17:28)
• Lauren’s sexting insecurities and playful pressure from friends:
  • Lauren: "I’m not a sexter, probably the worst flirt in the world.” (18:09)
  • Hallie: “You need to step up your sexting game. I think it’s so fun.” (20:02)
• Anecdotes about pleasure chest adventures and kinky couples’ role play.

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Love Island Deep Dive: Hot Takes & Couple Ratings (24:23–29:16)

Hallie and Lauren break down the current Love Island season, couple by couple:

Casey & Anaya (24:36)

• Lauren: “They used to be day one. … But I could see a wandering eye from Casey.”
• Hallie: "He’s the type that's always looking for a bombshell. I don’t like him."
• Lauren is “obsessed” with Anaya’s new interest.

Zach & Keda (25:45)

• Lauren: “I don’t like him.”
• Hallie bluntly: “He’s gay.” (25:56)
• Criticizes editing and says the bombshell dynamic is exhausting: Zach "looked at the other guy’s chub."
• Both think Keda deserves better.

Kenzie & Corbin (27:52)

• Hallie: “Corbin could get it any day of the week.”
• Lauren: "He just looks so boring. He talks like this..." (28:05)

On the Culture of Bombshell Entrances

• Hallie: “I have to warm up to bombshells. … When I first see a bombshell I’m mad at them.” (28:14)
• They riff on what they’d say as bombshells — see quotes in next section.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

Love Island Bombshell Entrance Role Play (30:32–31:55)

• Hallie (in character):

  “I’m Hallie and I don’t give a fuck who’s watching. Turn off the TV, parents. Your man’s about to get clipped and cracked. I have no moral, ethical foundation.” (31:04)

• Lauren:

  “I’m Lauren Fish, and I don’t know how to sext your man, so I wouldn’t be worried about it. I’m here for a free vacation and will you take pictures of me for Instagram?” (32:40)

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Q&A Session: Relationships, Weddings, and Messy Memories (33:47–39:01)

• Have you ever been the side chick?
  • Hallie, possibly yes: "But, like, unknowingly… with what’s his face in Florida. 100%." (34:02)
• Best and worst things about planning a wedding:
  • Lauren: “Worst part is figuring out the guest list… Best? I have planners, so I just say, ‘yeah, fine, do it.’” (35:27)
• Origin story of their friendship:
  • Meeting at a DJ Pauly D event, bonding over simultaneous unemployment.
  • “We became really close because we were both kind of unemployed at the same time.” (37:29)
  • Their “groupie era” led to wild nights out and being mistaken for escorts:
    • "Honestly, looking back, I get what they were seeing." (39:47)

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Rapid Fire: Hall Passes, Child-Free Weddings, Sun Damage, and Beauty (40:57–44:09)

• Hall Passes:
  • Both largely reject the idea, but Hallie jokes, “Probably with me on holiday weekend!” (40:57)
• Child-Free Weddings:
  • Both support it, unless Hallie is pregnant, which Lauren vetoes:
    • Lauren: "I will not let you get married pregnant. You will have your child and then you'll have your wedding." (42:57)
• Sun Damage:
  • Hallie: "Nothing you can do about it until after summer… In the fall, I’m gonna get a BBL laser." (43:44)

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Slot Era & Sexual Real Talk (47:19–56:05)

• Slut-Shaming Discourse:
  • Hallie: “Being a slut builds character… but I don’t like the word slut, really. I’m just a free spirit.” (47:31)
  • Discussion about reclaiming the word and playful bedroom language.
• Wild Sexting Examples:
  • Hallie: “I want to choke on your fucking fat, throbbing cock until you’re bleeding out of my eyes.” (49:27)
  • Lauren: “You could have left it at ‘big, fat, throbbing cock,’ but you added ‘until I’m bleeding out of my eyes.’ That’s the problem.” (49:37)
• On Giving Good Head and Creative Sexting:
  • Hallie: “I have a way with words. You have to include all the five senses...paint the picture.” (50:55)
  • Hallie jokes about writing a Substack or book of the most outlandish sex texts.
• 69ing and “Happy Ending” Massages:
  • Both agree 69ing is overrated:
    • Hallie: “I feel like that’s a JV move.” (52:29)
  • On massages: “If it was talked about before, fine, but otherwise that’s weird.” (53:37)

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Friendship Anecdotes & Last Laughs (57:09–59:43)

• Stories Friends Never Let You Forget:
  • Lauren brings up Hallie’s determination to see a guy (despite warnings):
    • “She was so mad...then goes to the garage and has to come right back up the escalator and see me again.” (58:44)
• Making Up Post-Fight:
  • Hallie: “Remember when we got in a fight and did a full body heart and sent it to everyone notifying them that we were back?” (59:11)
• The episode closes with mutual affirmations and Hallie’s signature sign-off:

  “You know how you like yours? Extra dirty. Thanks for coming, guys...” (57:02)

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Tone & Atmosphere

Bold, raw, playful and fiercely candid, Hallie and Lauren talk just like close friends after a few martinis — swapping stories, trading advice, and never holding back on TMI. They blend sex-positive humor, friendship realness, and a pop culture-savvy edge, all with a riotous, loving energy that defines Extra Dirty.

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Notable Timestamps

• Mallorca recap: 01:37–06:40
• Bloody Marys & Airbnb Drama: 03:00–05:00
• Beauty & Skincare chat: 06:40–08:07
• Love Island hot takes: 24:23–31:24
• Bombshell entrance fantasy: 31:04–31:55
• Sexual wellness chocolates: 16:13–17:34
• On sexting & friendship: 18:00–20:33
• Q&A (side chick, weddings, origin): 33:47–39:01
• Slut era & sex talk: 47:19–56:05
• Iconic friendship memories: 57:09–59:43

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Top Quotes

• Hallie (on Love Island): “I have no moral, ethical foundation. What’s up, y’all? Your man’s about to get clipped and cracked.” (31:04)
• Lauren (on relationships): “Maybe lead with heart, follow with legs.” (13:17)
• Hallie (on “hookup rules”): “Who’s going to buy a car they haven’t test-driven?” (13:41)
• Hallie (sexting bravado): “I want to choke on your fucking fat, throbbing cock until you’re bleeding out of my eyes.” (49:27)
• Lauren (on their wild nights): “We weren’t doing any sucking or fun. It was free for us.” (40:23)
• Hallie (closing): “You know how you like yours? Extra dirty.” (57:02)

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This summary gives you the gossip, philosophy, and energy of Hallie and Lauren’s world — whether recapping international debauchery, rating reality TV couples, or just being “extra dirty” best friends. Muah!

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

See app for details.

[C]

I am listening to your spirit, and I am sensing that something is on your mind.

[A]

Oh, my God. How did you know that?

[B]

If you are going to continue your

[C]

relationship with Tom, you must have sex with your celebrity crush.

[A]

So if I want to repair my

[C]

relationship with Tom, you must have sex

[D]

with Jon Hamm, Gail Daughtry, and the celebrity sex pass. Only in theaters July 10th.

[C]

I'm Jon Ham and I approve this message. All right, let's talk about Love Island.

[B]

Like, what would you say if you were coming in as a bombshell?

[C]

I'd be like, I'm Halle and I don't give a who's watching? Turn off the tv, parents. Your man's about to get clipped and cracked. I have no moral ethical foundation. What's up, y'? All? Let's get extra Dirty. Hola, mi amigas. Welcome back to Extra Dirty. I'm here with Lauren. We just got back.

[B]

Fresh off a bachelorette trip.

[C]

Mallorca. Did you have fun?

[B]

I had the best trip of my life. Did you have fun?

[C]

I had. I was. I hit flow state.

[B]

You actually did.

[C]

No. Like, I've never been so relaxed my life. I want to go there on many retreats. It honestly. It honestly wasn't even, like, I kind of anticipated be, like, going out to the club, but I should have known better with your. That we'd be staying in. But, like, I kind of like, just like boat days and relaxing and, like. And then we'd go to a nice dinner and then we'd call it a night.

[B]

I think it was, like, great. And everyone was, this is gonna sound really bad, but I don't mean it like this. I just feel like I never really tried. I obviously like doc all the time, but, like, I don't try and make myself, like, the center of attention. And I felt very special to everyone on the trip, which I've never really liked, you know?

[C]

Yeah, I feel like that's important.

[B]

Yeah. Like, everyone made it about me, and I was like, really?

[C]

Like, it was like an elongated birthday well, at least you. Yeah. And. And I was nice to you.

[B]

You were nice to me how?

[C]

She was very pleasant towards you. Towards this whole trip.

[B]

Halle was quite lovely.

[C]

I was napping half the time.

[B]

You. Halle slept probably 75 of the trip. I'm worried for her.

[C]

I kept waking up at 4am because I was on. My clock was off.

[B]

Is that why?

[C]

And then I was just like sitting. So, like the ocean and like the fresh air.

[B]

Relax. I guess that's what you relaxed looks like.

[C]

And I kept passing out. I mean, it was the Bloody Mary. I'd have a breakfast every day.

[B]

Yeah, it was probably that. I mean, Holly would actually was never too drunk ever. I'm actually shocked that you found Bloody Mary's there.

[C]

They were really good.

[B]

Like we stayed in a town of probably 20 people and somehow you found a Bloody Mary at 10 in the morning.

[C]

I mean, that town, the town we stayed in. So we stayed in Deya. Right. It's a very small, cute. Like it has a lot of character in the town down. And it's bougie though. At the same time, I feel like there's a five star. Five star hotel down the street from

[B]

our Airbnb Hallie, before she got there, split up on my story and goes, the house has a lot of character.

[C]

It does.

[B]

That was coming off of me being like, nice, right?

[C]

No, I thought it was really nice. I thought it was cute. I could picture the Instagrams in my head. Which I felt was important to you as well.

[B]

Very.

[C]

I wasn't. I didn't arrive with you. What did it look like?

[B]

Airbnb. They shoot on like point five when they like photograph it.

[C]

Guys. Small dicks do that.

[B]

Okay, so pretty much like that. They shoot in 0.5. So when I got there and it

[C]

was like, cat housed you.

[B]

Six in the morning, it was dark. I walked in and I was like,

[C]

they cat housed you?

[B]

Like, I didn't say a word to live. Like, we walked in and I needed like 10 minutes to process. And I was like, we didn't have like the room situated in our heads. We were like. And then it got really sunny and we opened up all the windows and we walked to town. I didn't know how close it was to town. And when we came back, I was like, nice.

[C]

No, it's really nice.

[B]

It was perfect.

[C]

I would go back to that same Airbnb.

[B]

You were mogged by bugs.

[C]

I was mogged by bugs. I was getting bug mogged.

[B]

I actually knew that would happen. And I think that's why I gave you the downstairs room.

[C]

You were punishing me.

[B]

I was.

[C]

There was no bugs in.

[B]

No.

[C]

Was there bugs upstairs?

[B]

Yeah, there was, like, those roly polys everywhere.

[C]

But I guess they were, like, in greens. I was like, oh. I thought they were, like, pebbles.

[B]

Wait, literally? They look like pebbles.

[C]

And I was like, they were, like, in Graden's bathing suit bottoms.

[B]

No, shut up.

[C]

I was like, damn, he his pants. But it was the roly police. And then, like, they would come out

[B]

and be like, yeah, you know,

[C]

I don't. I don't. Like a bug fanatic. I don't watch roly poly sleep when I have down time.

[B]

Sleep on their back. Like, they look like they're dead. So I kept walking, and I was like, oh, dead roly poly. And then I would pick it up, and it would just curl into a ball.

[C]

I'd be like, napping. It's like green. We wake up. Wake him up from a nap. Yeah.

[B]

He, like, rolls into a ball.

[C]

Yeah. My only qualm was the bugs in the. Bugs in the pool.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Just like.

[B]

That's just. That's just Mallorca. It's buggy.

[C]

I was, like, a topless the whole time. I feel like I was topless the whole trip.

[B]

I was very worried for her chest. I kept walking over to her being

[C]

like, h. Honestly, I needed to tan it. Let me say it looks better now that it has a little tan on it.

[B]

Honestly, it kind of does.

[C]

No, it does.

[B]

I think you needed that.

[C]

I think I need.

[B]

It was, like, pale pink.

[C]

Like, I'm so tan. Like, it's not. It's crazy. Like, can I tell you something?

[B]

Yeah. I'm scared.

[C]

I went bed tanning today.

[B]

Okay. You.

[C]

I don't want to lose it. Paige is going to tan mog me this weekend at her bachelorette, and I can't.

[B]

She's sick. She has a disease.

[C]

No, I can't have Paige tan mog me all weekend. She cans, too. I need to keep it at least through the weekend. But now my ass is burnt.

[B]

Did you put sunblock on your ch?

[C]

I did. I did, but I was, like, trying to do it sneakily. And then I went in and, like, the girl behind the desk asked to take a picture with me, and I

[B]

was like, you're like, my friends are going to see this. I'm going to have to tell Laura.

[C]

This is going to be on the Internet tomorrow.

[D]

Oh, my.

[B]

I mean, you look beautiful.

[C]

My skin's never been better because of GHK peptides and all the things and all the things. And Medicube.

[B]

And Medicube.

[C]

Thank you. I have been the biggest advocate for Korean skincare in the past month. I've been getting really into skincare. It feels like therapy to me for my face.

[B]

Give me all the tips, then.

[C]

Well, I.

[B]

You can send me a video.

[C]

I'm about to post one tomorrow for Medicube, and it actually does work, and I use it perfect.

[B]

I'm.

[C]

But it's a big tool. It has mask mode. You put a mask on and then you go on top of the mask. I like.

[B]

I, I, I'm not over the fact that you went into a tanning bed. I'm sorry. I can't think about anything else right now. How long?

[C]

How the longest? Which, honestly, I was going into it thinking, like, I don't have a profile with them, so they're gonna be like, you can only go in for six minutes.

[B]

They let you go in for, like.

[C]

But I think because she, like, knew who I was, she let me go

[B]

in for the whole time. What's the whole time? It's like 15 minutes.

[C]

12, 10.

[B]

Thank God. You definitely imagine you're like, oh, one more. Run it back.

[C]

She goes, how much time do you want to go in? I was like, as much time as you like me.

[B]

Where'd you go?

[C]

Beachbone Beach Bum tanning. The girl was so cute. Sweet, though. And shout out that girl because she hooked it up.

[B]

Oh, my Lord. Yeah.

[C]

I mean, I'm not gonna go tomorrow.

[B]

You're probably gonna go tomorrow.

[C]

No, I have a hair appointment tomorrow because I look like a bald ferret right now. My extensions are so chopped cheese, and I can't do it. Oh, I canceled. I canceled my date yesterday with the

[B]

guy who's a aspiring influencer.

[C]

I don't know if he's gonna. I want to give him a fair shot because I am starting to think that I'm the problem because he's so nice to me.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

But, like, that gives me the ick

[B]

to give a backstory.

[C]

There is some backstory.

[B]

There is a guy that Hallie has blast blessed, and naturally, when she blesses them, she loves to post a photo of them.

[C]

That's not what I do. I don't do that. I accidentally do that when I am drunk at the afters or drunk with my friends. No, it's like, I think it's funny

[B]

to, like, you'll, like, pretend to, like, kiss them.

[C]

It's funny because I've actually hooked up with all the guys I post, like, my kind of Thing in my head is like, if I actually like a guy, I won't post them.

[B]

I've actually, I, I've seen.

[C]

There's a pattern.

[B]

There's a pattern.

[C]

So, you know, I don't like him when I. He's.

[B]

Apparently we have since learned that he moved here with the intent. Right. Is that the word intent? To be an influencer and claims he doesn't know. Halle, please.

[C]

He posts tick tocks. Like, of course he knows.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

He knows.

[C]

Who basically recited one of my tick tocks back to me when I went out to dinner with him.

[B]

He's doing the thing that we do when we see people like celebs and we're like, what do you do? Like, as if we don't know who they are. We do that.

[C]

Yeah. You know, but now I'm like. And also like, I'm assuming he has. He has a 23 year old sister.

[B]

Right.

[C]

And you don't think that like she's sending him the tiktoks. No.

[B]

It would be better if he was like, oh, I've seen your stuff. Like, it would have been better than being like, oh, who are you?

[C]

I mean, I don't really have any male fans. They're all gay males. Which I love. You guys love my gays. But like, I don't have straight. Whenever a straight man comes up to me and is like, I love your tick tocks, I'm like, either you're gay and you don't know it yet or you're trolling my ass. Yeah, you and your mother.

[B]

But the straight guys see your stuff. I don't know. Yes, they do, Holly.

[C]

I don't know if I'm like hitting algo for them.

[B]

You for sure are. Because my ex has seen your stuff and has since then blocked me. I guess we said something he didn't like.

[C]

Is that the one he said? I said it's weird.

[B]

Yeah. And I said was boring.

[C]

He is weird and boring and chopped. Goodbye.

[B]

Goodbye.

[C]

Sometimes I forget there's cameras here. 1, 2, 3. And I talk and I just, you know, forget that there's real people out there that hear this.

[B]

That are. Yeah. That are offended by the things that we say. But it's the truth.

[C]

Sometimes I get lost and I'm like just having a conversation with you and like, we're just like. Yep. Yapping about, you know, we're just yapping. We're just yapping. And then I get a text saying, what the would you say that? That happens all the time to me.

[B]

That happens a lot, actually.

[C]

I need to be more proactive about Dean. Can't even say that.

[B]

I literally invited you to a dinner party tonight with hot guys. There's gonna be hot guys there, but

[C]

they're all going to Shea after. And I'll see you on show.

[B]

And I'll see them at ch.

[C]

I don't want to talk to them with lighting in the room. You know what I mean?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

And, like, omakase. Like, I'm nauseous. Omakase. Sorry.

[B]

Omakase.

[C]

Omakase. Oh, my.

[B]

Gossie.

[C]

Lauren's like, do you want to have endless espresso martinis and omakase?

[B]

I left out the omakase part because I was like, let me just tell her that there's endless flow of martinis and dirty martini of.

[C]

Sorry, let me fish in 90 degree weather and talk to strangers. Honestly, though, I should scope it out for you.

[B]

And I'll tell you if there's any hot men, and then I will bring them to shine.

[C]

You know what you should do? You should make your background on your phone. Me, like, the best picture of me. And, like, just go up to all these guys at this is my favorite and say, do you want this?

[B]

That's perfect. Do you want. What do you call it?

[C]

This?

[B]

No, no. How do you. How do you say that again?

[C]

This. Pussy. Okay.

[B]

No, what do you. You say something crazy. You're like. How do you say. Sometimes you're like, I got.

[C]

Oh, crap.

[B]

You want to crack my.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Do you want to crack her?

[C]

Do you want to get cracked? You want to get clipped? You want to get what ran through?

[B]

What's the photo that I would. What's the photo that I would show?

[C]

Don't jump on that. And honestly, I probably lost most interest in every single guy on my roster from posting that today.

[B]

Maybe like this?

[C]

Yeah, I like this one. No, I feel like, all right, this one's hot. They're all hot. I'm a hot girl.

[B]

Please.

[C]

Oh, this one's hot.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

I'm not that blonde anymore.

[B]

Do you want to be.

[C]

Yeah, make that your back.

[B]

Do you want to be him?

[C]

For my friend, they want to be him. I just think that instead of opening my legs, I should start opening my heart more.

[B]

I love that.

[C]

But, like, also my legs. Yeah.

[B]

Maybe legs and heart at the same time. So maybe lead with heart, follow with legs. What do you think about that?

[C]

Do you believe that, like, if you hook up with someone on the first date, that, like, they won't take you seriously? No, because I believe that I've never

[B]

like been on a date first. Like, it's always the opposite.

[C]

Yeah. Like, you got to like. Everyone's like, what if you're not going to Small dick. Exactly.

[B]

Everyone's like, sucks in bed. Those are the most important.

[C]

Everyone's like, they're not going to buy the cow if they can get the milk for free. I say fuck the milk. Who's going to buy a car? They haven't trust test drive ever.

[B]

But they can also get attached to the cow. You boss me.

[C]

What do you mean they got attached to the cow?

[B]

Like diplomatized pussymatize, whatever you call it.

[C]

Like the milk is so good.

[B]

Like the milk is so good they're gonna get attached to the cow.

[C]

You know, I've been doing recently.

[B]

Where's this going? Tell me. Drinking milk?

[C]

No, I hear milk. But like, it's just getting attached to milk. And guys, can't wait.

[D]

The best dancers from across the globe

[B]

are about to join me for the audition of a lifetime.

[A]

ABC Monday. Do they have what it takes to compete and be the next Dancing with the Star pro? I'm here to win.

[B]

Nothing is going to stop me.

[A]

Our star judges will decide.

[B]

This is what hunger looks like.

[C]

It was 100% a wrong choice.

[A]

Robert Irwin hosts the next era of

[D]

ballroom starts right here on Dancing with the Stars.

[A]

The next Pro series premiere Monday, 8, 7 Central on ABC. Next day on Hulu.

[C]

Thinking about starting a business? Whether you have a side hustle, a product idea, or you're just ready to launch something bigger, Shopify gives you the tools to get up and running. From building your online store to managing sales and reaching customers, Shopify helps make running a business a whole lot simpler. Doing everything yourself is tough. Luckily, Shopify has Sidekick, an AI co founder that helps you build and grow. You literally can get your own AI co founder helping you with everything. Generating reports, breaking down complex data, giving you marketing ideas. It's like having a genius co founder who never sleeps. Shopify's AI lets you focus on growth and creativity while it handles the rest. Whenever my creative friends talk about wanting to sell their work, I immediately tell them to look at Shopify. It's a total game changer for taking a cool idea and making it into an actual stream of income. I swear, all of the cool girls use it. Serious about starting your own thing? Start your free [e-mail] extra dirty. The past few guys I've hooked up with, I have these, like, shrooms in my fridge. They're like sexual arousal chocolates. Okay. And I take like A bunch of them before I have sex.

[B]

Like, a bunch of them. Like an entire bar?

[C]

Like an entire. Like, half a bar. Yeah.

[B]

What do they do?

[C]

It just makes you, like, really. It feels like you're, like, on, like, a healthy Molly. Like, kind of What's. What are they, like, sensitive to the top?

[B]

Are they drugs or are they, like.

[C]

No, they're like. I got gifted, like, on Shop My. It's called Sprint.

[B]

Alice got. Oh, it's Alice.

[C]

It's Alice. Yeah. Oh, it's really fun.

[B]

Wait, I. Are they new? Because if not, I think I've bought them before, but I've never used them.

[C]

Well, they're on Shop Mine.

[B]

I know, Alice.

[C]

I haven't bought them, but. I know, but I tried them, and I really like them. I got two. I got one for, like, getting horny and another one for, like, being social.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

Oh, yeah, that.

[B]

That's new. Yeah, I know they had one for. I'm gonna look it up. I know they had one for focus. I know they had an arousal one.

[C]

I. Yeah, I od.

[B]

But you just take. So I've definitely, like, taking one before, but I didn't feel anything. But you're taking, like.

[C]

No, I took a couple just because I knew I would take. It would take a couple.

[B]

Wait, let me see. What's.

[C]

I don't know what the dosing is.

[B]

Sensual mushroom chocolates, but they're not, like, real shrew.

[C]

I think they're, like, legal.

[B]

Like, they're like. They're like a. Herb. Yeah, they're like herb. It's like a mushroom herb.

[C]

But me and the most recent guy, we both took them, and we're both like, holy fuck, we're so horny.

[B]

How long did it take to hit?

[C]

Like, 10 minutes. And then he hit.

[B]

Wait. Seeking a witch. Jordan, yesterday, did he crack? You come. Not literally, no. Because not yet. I. I've been.

[C]

You guys haven't hooked up since.

[B]

I haven't seen him. I've been falling asleep at 8pm and he comes home at. Like, he came home at 2am the other night. He's at the NBA draft. And then yesterday, I didn't see him either. I fell asleep.

[C]

Damn. But happy relationship.

[B]

But he comes home. The one time that I saw him before he went to the draft, he goes, the draft? The draft. The draft.

[C]

He goes, the NBA. Not the war. Yeah, the NBA draft.

[B]

Jordan can't go. Can't go there either. Basically, my friends, we got drunk at the dinner table and they were making me sexed. And I don't. I'M not a sexter. Like, I, I, I can't. I probably am the worst flirt in the entire world. I don't know how I have a.

[C]

I love that you brought this up because I forgot about it and they

[B]

were making me sext. Jordan. Jordan's, like, on the plane, lives texting her boyfriend. They're like, Jordan's fully facing the window, like, like this. And he comes home yesterday. Comes home yesterday. He's like, so, like, when do you want to go get your new toys? And I was like, what? Like, what are you talking about? He's like, like, you wanted to go to the pleasure chest.

[C]

I was like, oh, you guys have a, like, reoccurrence at the pleasure of the pleasure chest. No, like, I haven't. I haven't gotten a new toy in, like, so long. They're just, like, sent to me.

[B]

I, I love. I also just love my.

[C]

My apartment is the pleasure chest.

[B]

I love walking in there. Like, the people that you see are like, what are you getting? And then you see, like, a random old guy, like, walk out. You're like, yeah, but he was. I was like, oh, I think Jordan, we were. We were with you, and he was so.

[C]

You shouldn't have said that.

[B]

I was gonna tell him, like, we'll still do it. I'm still, still down.

[C]

But, like, what were you guys talking about doing?

[B]

I was telling him that, like, he goes. He goes, yeah, the caviar thing was weird, I guess. I told him to, like, heat caviar off me. I was like, I have caviar in the fridge. I mean, not that weird, but he was, like, a little strange.

[C]

I don't see him doing that. Like, I. I feel like. I feel like it gets you doing, like, a fun, like, role play thing. Yeah.

[B]

At a bar.

[C]

At a bar. But, like, what if people recognized you and they were like, what are you doing here? What are you doing at Sartiano's? The wig on Lauren.

[B]

I have a pixie cut wig, red hair. No, Like, I'm like, in a. In a trench.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Naked.

[C]

Naked.

[B]

Jordan's like, in a. What would Jordan be wearing?

[C]

Jordan has, like, an eye patch. No, but you really need to step up your sexting game. I think it's so fun.

[B]

I like, I think I'm dripping what

[C]

I want it to be.

[B]

And now I just, like, I can't. I don't know why it makes me giggle, like, when I think about sex. Sexting him. I don't know why. We used to, obviously, in the beginning, but now I'M just like.

[C]

You're like.

[B]

It's just right. It's like, oh, my God. Talk about this later.

[C]

Yeah, I mean, you. You guys are gonna be swingers in, like, 10 years anyways, so. I mean, the spice will come at some point.

[B]

His mom.

[C]

What? What?

[B]

For my birthday last summer. His mom.

[C]

Where is he going?

[B]

For my birthday last summer, his mom gave me a buck about swingers from New Canaan. It's some book called, like. I don't. I don't know. It was written. It was. It's like a fiction book, but it's, like, written about, like, actual families, I guess. That swing in New Canaan.

[C]

And it was she trying to tell you it's okay?

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

I was like, embrace your shoes. I was like, she definitely thinks you're a freak. Ass.

[B]

She definitely thinks I'm a freak, but she loves me.

[C]

Does she love me?

[B]

She loves you. She loves all my friends. She's actually, like, obsessed with all my friends. She, like, loves you guys.

[C]

Yeah. I do love Jenny.

[B]

Think about it. Like, all she wants to do is hang out with us. She wants us at her house. She wants this barbecue.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

He loves us.

[C]

I. I see that.

[B]

Loves me.

[C]

Well, I'd hope so. You're about to steal her daughter's name.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

How's that gonna go? You're gonna like, be like, give me the handle. Give me the ig handle.

[B]

Jordan's sister's name is Lauren. I used to with her, and I was like, well, I know someone at Meta, so your name's mine.

[C]

She'd probably cry.

[B]

She would get so mad. She would get so mad. And then she would tell your brother, and then your brother would inevitably be mad at me because I lied about knowing someone. I met her to take her name.

[C]

It's like the dumbest should have ever.

[B]

She would get so upset. But now I've come to terms with. I'm gonna let her have it until she gets married. And then.

[C]

Why don't you just put, like, an F in between it?

[B]

I like my name. I'll change it, like, for other stuff, but, like, I like Fish or Lauren FC Chen. Lauren FC Chen. Lauren Fish Siegen.

[C]

Imagine Lauren Fish See Chin.

[B]

Lauren Fish Seechin.

[C]

It's kind of hard to say.

[B]

I don't like it.

[C]

Okay, what are we pregaming tonight?

[B]

We're. It is Thursday dinner party. And you're going.

[C]

You're going to a dinner party. You're showing everyone my picture.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And bringing the suitable bachelors.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

To Shay.

[B]

I come Back I come over with, like, a line of men. He wants to crack. He wants to crack.

[C]

I would love to, like, be the Bachelorette on, like, and have just, like, a bunch of guys just like.

[B]

You would be good for that.

[C]

I honestly be great for that because. But, like, I'd be also bad for it because I would, like, hook up with all them, like, night two.

[B]

You would also catch no feelings.

[C]

So you would just be like this.

[B]

You would literally. I actually don't even know who you would catch feelings for.

[C]

A very toxic feelings for you.

[B]

Go. I feel like it's sexual.

[C]

You. It's not sexual.

[B]

Yes, it is. You always get diplomatized.

[C]

God forbid.

[B]

No, no, I'm saying that. But that's how you're.

[C]

That's how I communicate through dick. So I think input.

[B]

You would. So. So you. You need a little bit more of an ex. So maybe actually going on the Bachelorette would be good for you.

[C]

It would be like exposure therapy. I. I couldn't find a way. I'd find their hotel rooms. We'd make it work. I mean, we'd crack for sure, but there you go. I. I don't know. Maybe I should go Love island or something. You know, they asked me to go on a couple years ago, and I didn't say yes.

[B]

I'm trying to think of, like, what I. I feel like.

[C]

I don't.

[B]

What was the show that Jimmy was on?

[C]

Perfect Match. They also asked me to do that.

[B]

I feel like Love island would be good for you, but I can't.

[C]

I can't see you.

[B]

Challenge, and I can't see you doing the opening dance. Hallelujah.

[C]

Say you do if you love me

[B]

yeah, tell me so.

[C]

If I needed to get an ick from a guy, I would just, like, imagine your ex boyfriend was, like, one of the guys, like, knowing their body.

[B]

I actually can't believe that they, like, that they filmed that intro, like. And then some guys, like, they're like,

[C]

dude, all right, let's talk about Love island, now that we're on the subject, because I have a lot of thoughts about Love Island. I've been ranting on TikTok about it.

[B]

I was watching this morning.

[C]

What else are you on? Casa More.

[B]

I was watching the last two.

[C]

All right, let's go through every couple right now.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Let's start with Casey and Anaya.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

They used to be day one. They were one of my favorite couples. But as things progressed, I could see a wandering eye from Casey, and I feel like Anaya is so sweet.

[B]

So sweet. And I like that new guy for her.

[C]

I feel like Casey was, like, kind of on vacation.

[B]

I don't understand why he's saying that. Like, there was something missing in their connection. Like, you literally are wor.

[C]

He just. He. I think he's the type of guy that's like, the grass is always greener, so he's. I feel like he's waiting for a bombshell or waiting for, like, a new hot girl to come in that will, like, pique his interest. But I don't like him. And Anaya is coming out of her shell a casa more. I feel like with this new guy,

[B]

I'm obsessed with him.

[C]

He seems respectful and, like, I don't even see. I don't think I've even seen, like, her kiss Casey. Like, like, like that. Like, he grabbed her and was like, I know.

[B]

I think he's cute. I think he's.

[C]

I used to work on Nantucket.

[A]

What?

[C]

Yes. He had a summer job at, like, one of the golf clubs.

[B]

Oh, he was like a trainer.

[C]

Yeah, I. I saw a girl make a video about it.

[B]

Wait, he's really, really cute and he's big for her and she needs that.

[C]

No.

[B]

Yeah, He's a manly man.

[C]

Zach and Keda.

[B]

I don't like him.

[C]

I hate him so much.

[B]

So this is why I don't think they should ever bring on siblings. His. He has way too big of an ego.

[C]

No, it's not even his ego. He's fucking gay. He's gay for.

[B]

What's the other guy's name?

[C]

He looked at the other guy's chub. His half hard cock. What do you mean? Like, what's happening? Also, like, you can see post not clarity in real time.

[B]

That was insane.

[C]

Like, they went to the hideaway and he was like, where's. What if a bombshell comes in? How many times did he fucking say that?

[B]

I know.

[C]

He was like, what if a bombshell comes in? We got an intimate. I don't know. Like, what if we get intimate and like, a bombshell comes in and like, what? And she's like, what are you saying?

[B]

Like, he's like, exaggerating his act. I just hate him. I don't like him.

[C]

Despise. And it's awkward because I've been talking so much, like I am right now. And he's just gonna be a influencer after this.

[B]

Literally, he'll be on this show and

[C]

he's gonna be like, what would you say that about me?

[B]

Love. Love.

[C]

Hello, puppet. Wait, am I doing.

[B]

Oh, my God. He's gonna Come to Halle's apartment. Hello. Puppet contact.

[C]

Sparrow. Literally. And Kate has one of the most lethal face cards.

[B]

She's insane. Have you seen all the videos of her like surfacing of like her being a mean girl in high school?

[C]

Whatever. I'm like, I would be if I got on Love Island. Let's just say that for sure. I would be absolutely destroyed.

[B]

I'm shocked that people aren't online talking hate about my friend Hallie Bachelder.

[C]

Okay? Trust me, they are. You should see my filter word sections. They're so funny. They're like a bunch of guys names. They're. They're like words like bald chops.

[B]

A section I would not like to be in.

[C]

No, I would not like to review those comments.

[B]

No, keep it going.

[C]

Keep watching.

[B]

We hate. Sorry, Sorry.

[C]

No, we hate Zach.

[D]

Whoa.

[C]

We hate that I need him to leave immediately. But I also think Kira, I just feel bad for. I feel like she's really young and kind of just like googly eyed right now.

[B]

She's. Yeah, she likes the accent. She needs to move on.

[C]

Then we have Kenzie and Corbin. I. Corbin could get it any day of the week.

[B]

Is it crazy that I don't think he's that hot? Yeah, he just looks so boring.

[C]

He talks like this though.

[B]

He's so sleepy. He's so sleepy and he's annoying. Like, do you think. Do you like Bermuda? Bermuda?

[C]

I. I don't. The thing is I have to like warm up to bombshells. Like when I first see a bombshell coming, I'm like kind of like mad at them.

[B]

Yeah. Like you.

[C]

I'm like, why you part you. I don't like their entrance and what they say and they're like little tidbits. They're like, I'm in here. I'm Kayla from Tennessee and I don't give a fuck who's in relationship.

[B]

Like I'm going to steal every man that I like.

[C]

Yeah, I'm coming for any man because my loyalty is to no one.

[D]

The best dancers from across the globe

[B]

are about to join me for the audition of a lifetime.

[A]

Abc Monday. Do they have what it takes to compete and be the next Dancing with the Stars pro?

[C]

I'm here to win.

[B]

Nothing is going to stop me.

[A]

Our star judges will decide.

[C]

This is what hunger looks like. It was 100% a wrong choice.

[A]

Robert Irwin hosts the next era of

[D]

ballroom star starts right here on Dancing with the Stars.

[A]

The next Pro series premiere Monday 8, 7 Central on ABC. Next day on Hulu.

[C]

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[B]

Wait, can you. Can you make like a. Like, can you make your own. Like, what would you say if you were coming in as a bombshell?

[C]

The thing is, if I was on Love island, they would put me as a bomb.

[B]

They would put you as a bombshell. Close your eyes, pretend no one is here. And what would you say?

[C]

No, I can. There's two people in here. I'm comfortable with both of them, like, please. I'll be like, I'm Hallelujah. And I'm here to suck off your man. And I don't give a fuck who's watching. Turn off the tv, parents, because I'm

[B]

about to crack your man.

[C]

Your man's about to get clipped and cracked. And. And I'm from Boston, but living. I'm from Boston and live in New York. And I'm about to fucking

[B]

matt. And I'm about to suck your man.

[C]

And I have no gag reflex. And I was the human vacuum in college.

[B]

I'm Hallie Bachelder. Some know me as the human vacuum. And I am here to get cracked by your son.

[C]

And I normoral. I have no moral, ethical foundation. What's up, y'? All? Can I play for.

[B]

Can I.

[C]

Can I play for a chat? Take out your car.

[B]

You're going to be like this, okay, Can I play for a chat?

[C]

No, no. Like, honestly, why would you do it? If a guy was like, can I play you for a chat? I'd be like, I'm fucking busy, obviously. Tanning. I just put fucking oil on my body and you want to pull me for a chat? What do you want to talk about?

[B]

I am tanning. Do you see my body?

[C]

I'm about to go on a reality TV show in a couple weeks. It's not like a real.

[B]

Real.

[C]

It is, but, like, it's.

[B]

Which one?

[C]

Oh, I.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

I'm, like, kind of ready to, like, let it.

[B]

Let it lose. Let it lose. Let loose.

[C]

I know a couple people going on it. I'm like, all right, I'll just make out those people who. I'll tell you afterwards.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

But, like, hot.

[B]

I really like your intro.

[C]

Yeah. And I. Oh, dear. I'm Lauren Fish, and I don't know how to sext your man, so I wouldn't be worried about it, but I'm here for a vacation and it's free. I'm here for a free vacation. And Will you take pictures of me? I can pose on Instagram.

[B]

Will you take my outfit pictures for me? I'm Lauren Fishbine and I worked at

[C]

UTA at one point in time.

[B]

I'm here because I worked at uta.

[C]

Yeah,

[B]

that used to literally be my greeting.

[C]

No, Lawrence, because Lauren worked at uta, which is kind of like how I met my agents.

[B]

That used to be my greeting card. Hi, I'm Lauren and I work at uta.

[C]

It's like, hi, I'm Lauren and I worked at uta. But you worked in the music department.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. So you'd hang out with, like, a different type of. Hang out with, like, singers. Right? Like, that's when you go to events. It would be like, artists.

[B]

Yeah, it would be. It would be like, singers.

[C]

Let's do a second questions. Wedding, vaucher, life, Everything from you guys. Let's start.

[B]

Okay, let's go.

[C]

Have you ever been the side chick before? What? Have you ever been the side chick before, and what are your thoughts on it? I don't know. Probably. Actually, yeah. 100%. Like, but, like, unknowingly, like, with what's his face in Florida. 100%.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, that was pretty knowingly. I feel like he made it very clear that he was looking up with other people. He would actually lay in bed and be like, haley, I got with this insane supermodel. You definitely know who she is. Here's a photo.

[C]

It's fucked up because he's having a child and he's engaged. After he looked me in the eye and said, I never want to get married again. I don't think he's even divorced.

[B]

I don't even think he's divorced, but that was insane. Then rip to him. He looked older than he was before.

[C]

You thought he was 45 the whole time?

[B]

I thought he was 45. I thought he was 40. I thought he was almost 50. He didn't look that bad. He just looked like, well, I tired,

[C]

you know, I like a leather couch. Yeah. I always offset it. I was like, he's running a hedge fund. Like he's so stressed out. Of course he has gray hair and he looks like a worn in leather couch. Like, of course he was also funny as like I, I like wish we could have remained friends. But getting knocked up didn't help.

[B]

No.

[C]

Or chlamydia. How about you?

[B]

How about me? I don't think so.

[C]

Okay, let's go on to the next one, I guess. Queen Lauren. Best and worst thing about planning a wedding.

[B]

I'm a terrible bride. I would just like to put it that way.

[C]

She cheats all the time. I'm like, stop cheating on him. It's really weird.

[B]

I'm like, you're gonna cheat on him? Just break off with him.

[C]

Y. Stop cheating on your man.

[B]

Worst parts is like figuring out the guest list. Like, I'm sorry, like, I love you all, but you can't all come. And the best. It's fine. I have wedding planners. So like they just like. I'm just like, yeah, fine, do it.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I feel like you've been really complaining about it. But I think also my sister who is also planning a wedding.

[B]

Yeah, how is she?

[C]

Because she has a 200 people cab and like these people have big families and it's just like, that's a lot of people.

[B]

She's worried about a 200 cap.

[C]

Apparently like Peter side the family has like a million people. But I think they'll be fine.

[B]

That's a lot.

[C]

What is your cap?

[B]

I mean my venue can hold a lot but I was like, I really don't want more than 150 invites to go out, so I want like 100.

[C]

Have you sent up inputs?

[B]

That's what I mean.

[C]

I'm like my mom.

[B]

That's what I mean. Like I, I'm a really bad bride in the sense of like, honestly I didn't even send a lot of people. They saved dates. I sent your mom one and I was like, you know you're invited cuz here's a save the date. I, I just, I don't know.

[C]

It's in a few months.

[B]

Yeah, Yeah. I just ordered them though. They're coming. They're on the way, I think.

[C]

Okay, well, I'll just text people, you know, that's crazy.

[B]

Hey. Hey.

[C]

Do you want to come to my wedding?

[B]

See you there? What would you like to eat?

[C]

Yeah, do you want chicken or steak? You dumb slot. I miss you.

[B]

I figured out the lighting today, so that's good.

[C]

Well, that's good. Okay. Need to know the origin story of your friendship. I mean, I feel like we've been over this probably 100 times. Yeah, I'll tell it. I mean, it was like love at first sight. We're going to a DJ Pauly D concert. Yeah, not concert. A DJ Pauly D set at the grand in Boston.

[B]

Remember our friend railing?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

It's really funny. So my best friend in college, or my best friend middle school and high school, was one of her best friends in college. And she introduced us and then we kind of just like, hit it off because we were both kind of unemployed at the same time. I think you got laid off?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

From a startup. Yeah, I was unemployed.

[B]

You got laid off?

[C]

She got laid off.

[B]

And it was the best thing that ever happened to me because we became really close.

[C]

It was. It was a shitty startup. Is it even still around?

[B]

No.

[C]

Yeah. I think they had to lay you off because they couldn't pay you. It wasn't because of you doing anything wrong?

[B]

No, they laid me off because they gave my job to one of their siblings. It was really weird. It was, like, started by, like, a son, and then his, like, stepmoms came in and started running it. Then his fucking sister came and all these siblings kept coming in and coming in. It was weird. Weird.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And they laid me off. And me and Halle went out every single night.

[C]

Every single night. And, like, the thing is, that was our child groupie era. Like, that's where really shit got kicking. We were meeting so many people. We were going out every single night. We were with celebrities every night.

[B]

If it was crazy, saying, what do you do for a living?

[C]

Hi.

[B]

Nice.

[C]

Who are you?

[B]

Nice to meet.

[C]

It's like I'm talking to.

[B]

What do you do for a living?

[C]

Scott Disick.

[B]

Yeah. Drake.

[C]

Where are you from?

[D]

What do you do?

[C]

Yeah, what do you do for.

[B]

He did not like that one. He was like, please remove this girl.

[C]

You said that to Drake?

[B]

Yeah. I was like, oh, hi.

[C]

Hi. What's your name? I'm Drake.

[B]

That's what I said. I said, what's your name? He was like, what? I was like, oh, I. I remember

[C]

when I DM to come DM'd him to come to shame.

[B]

Yeah. And he was like, what's that?

[C]

What? He goes, what's that? Like, within a minute.

[B]

Within us. So he's on there. He's on his.

[C]

He's on.

[B]

He's on his dms.

[C]

But I was like, come through. I think his album just came out. And I was like, come to sh. And he was like, what's that? He didn't call me a. He's very nice.

[B]

We remember. Really good to go out together.

[C]

We were great to go out together.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I still feel like I'm great to go out with, though. Like, I'm a great. We're great go.

[B]

Yeah. But we're a good, like, go out duo. Because you're drinking for us and I'm talking for us.

[C]

Yeah. You were networking always. But, hey, it got us to a lot of Vegas trips. It got us on a lot of private jets. Jeans.

[B]

We think about how many people we know in New York.

[C]

No, we know everyone.

[B]

We know everyone in New York.

[C]

Everyone.

[B]

And that happened because of that era.

[C]

No, we had. It was like, almost like being in the mailroom at utn.

[B]

You kind of was my mail through it. Yeah.

[C]

To, like, get out on top, we

[B]

had to go through the judgment of our friends who thought we were hookers worth it.

[C]

People thought we were escorts for a really long time.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And honestly, looking back, in hindsight, I get what they were seeing.

[B]

I totally know what they mean. Like, we're literally at age provocateur.

[C]

Being like, that was a creep. That was a crazy. That I honestly felt uncomfortable with.

[B]

But I got a blazer.

[C]

I didn't.

[B]

I was like, jordan, do you like my.

[C]

It was like Pretty Woman, Honestly. A little bit. But we were on these PJs with these old men, and it was just. I get from, like, social media what that looks like.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Trips. Even if a trip's free, it's usually not free.

[B]

It was free for us.

[C]

It was free for us. We weren't doing any sucking or fun.

[B]

We weren't doing anything. The one time we were like, Remember

[C]

when I tried to bring a guy back and you were like, don't do that.

[B]

I was like, I'm not.

[C]

And the guy's like. He came.

[B]

He came over and I didn't let

[C]

him out the elevator.

[B]

You wouldn't let the door. You wouldn't.

[C]

Honestly. Thank God that didn't happen. He's like. He's like, extremely famous.

[B]

Very famous.

[C]

Yeah. But, like, I'm glad that didn't work out. But, yeah, that's how we met. Do you believe in hall passes during marriage? Will you have one? Probably with me on holiday weekend?

[B]

Everyone was so upset that I wasn't there. At Memorial Day weekend, I was equally as upset.

[C]

They thought we were, like, beefing. Because you weren't there.

[B]

Like, no, I just had my grandmother's funeral.

[C]

Funeral. I was like, I'm not gonna, like, say that. I'm not gonna reply to someone randomly. Like, they're definitely fighting me. Like, she was actually at her grandma's funeral.

[B]

I'm not gonna reply.

[C]

Yeah, you were there in spirit. So was your grandma.

[B]

Yeah, I literally was gonna put on my story, like, pitch black. I sent Talia example, like, black, and it was like, no, we are still friends. Like a.

[C]

Like a press release.

[B]

Press release.

[C]

We are still friends.

[B]

Everyone was like, so mad about. They're like, she's not engaging. I'm like, I'm literally at the cemetery.

[C]

She's at the cemetery. Morning. And you guys are being assholes.

[B]

I'm reading.

[C]

What were you talking about?

[B]

Hall passes?

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

No, I don't believe in, like, hall passes. Like, you can't just, like, go out and.

[C]

Yeah, I think that, like, if you like, you know, if you're like, in a relationship, just like, let me know. It's crazy.

[B]

Let me know what's happening.

[C]

But I think, like, if you are in a relationship and you're like, okay, like, I think, you know, Dua Lipa is so hot. Like, in like, that opportunity presented itself. Like, that's not okay to just like, pursue also, like, she just got married, so like, that's off the. That was just an example. You know what I mean?

[B]

No, I do.

[C]

Like, like, you have to be involved in the decision.

[B]

Yes, of course.

[C]

And she always is. What are your thoughts about a child free wedding? I'm having one and that's all. That I would have one too.

[B]

Yeah, of course.

[C]

Unless I'm pregnant.

[B]

I'm not gonna let you get married pregnant. You will either have your child and then you will have your wedding. Can we talk about my hair right now?

[C]

This is extremely insane.

[B]

Like, someone needs to come and help me.

[C]

Someone have a brush production.

[B]

I'm just. I'm sitting here and do this. But I will not let you get married pregnant. You will have your child and then you will have your wedding.

[C]

I have an IUD that's stronger than Thor himself.

[B]

Well, God forbid.

[C]

You.

[B]

God forbid, my.

[C]

But honestly, like, I can see whatever I produce as a child surpassing. Yeah, it's like getting to my egg and then My baby comes out, like, holding my Moderna iud, like.

[B]

Yes, like, exactly.

[C]

That's what I picture.

[B]

I can see that for you.

[C]

Yeah, horns. What do you do about sun damage? I feel like this is directed towards me. I don't appreciate it. This one seems there's nothing you do about it until after summer. I was told by many estheticians and people that, like, do, like, the shit, whatever, that I should wait until after summer because I'm getting tan all summer anyways. So, like, it's the summer anyway. I have to get a BBL laser. I don't wanna.

[B]

Sorry, keep going.

[C]

I'm getting a beat. I'm just, you know, binging on the sun right now while I can. And then in the fall, I'm gonna get a BBL laser.

[B]

Your rationale is on point. Brightening. Oh, I'm ODing on the sun because I'm gonna go get a laser in September, so I'm gonna OD on the sun now.

[A]

Support for Unwell comes from Google Pixel. Okay, so I recently had one of those Sundays where I convinced myself it was a great idea to reorganize my entire closet. And of course, halfway through, I found myself sitting on the floor surrounded by clothes, completely overwhelmed. So I pulled out my Google Pixel 10 Pro because it comes with Gemini built in on the phone. I launched my camera using Gemini Live, showed it my crazy closet, and I asked for help. And immediately it hit me up with all sorts of pro organizing tips like what to hang, how to fold stuff, and even helped me decide which items to donate and where to drop them off. It was a lifesaver, ladies. Okay. But while I was neck deep in hoodies, I totally lost track of time until I got a text from Matt saying, hey, what is the address for dinner tonight? I. Fortunately, the Google Pixel has this feature called Magic Cue that just pulls up the info you need without you having to dig through old emails and stuff. It popped the address right into my text for me and tap it was sent. Daddy. Gang, we could all use a little help making Sundays less scary. So get outside of your comfort phone and try the Google Pixel 10 Pro. Check it out at google store.com these AI features are for users 18+ check responses. Availability and results vary.

[D]

Awkward time to ask this, but. Hey, did you download the trail map?

[C]

Yeah, no, I don't need to.

[B]

I don't understand.

[D]

You're trusting your signal out here.

[C]

I'm trusting T Mobile.

[A]

They have the best network and if

[C]

we end up in bumtots nowhere, well, we've got T satellite for backup.

[B]

Whoa.

[D]

I don't trust my carrier that much.

[C]

We'll just use your phone as a flashlight.

[D]

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[C]

My engagement was like kind of low in Mallorca because we were like away and I was super tan and I knew people would not like that I was tanning like that. So I was like kind of rage beating the Internet and I did like a, I did like a makeup video and everyone was commenting. Did really well.

[B]

Yeah, I knew. I knew what you were doing.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. You were like sitting at the dinner table. She's like replying to all these comments.

[C]

I'm like, someone commented get ready with me on the sun. Someone goes, did you eat the sun? The comments are so funny. No one's funnier than people in the tick tock.

[B]

That's really funny. Did you get ready on the sun?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

No.

[C]

Someone get ready with me on the sun.

[B]

That's good.

[C]

And I was cracking.

[B]

I like that one.

[C]

Entering my slot era. Tips, advice, experiences. I'm feeling low key, guilty slash judge. But I love it. Being a slot builds character. Character.

[B]

One more time.

[C]

Being a slut builds character but not

[B]

really go to the pleasure chest.

[C]

Like what a slut. Really? I don't like the word slut really because when called it a million times but like I'm just, I'm a free spirit. I will say that I think slut

[B]

is a word used like for young kids that are like being like a word.

[C]

The word is used by like misogynist males. I don't think you're a like okay but like when I'm in bed, like when I'm having sex with I like

[B]

to be called the slut I'm sure you do. What did you say the other day? We were all. We were like, thinking of things to. We were collectively thinking of things.

[C]

I get really dark.

[B]

I mean, yeah, we're all like, you know, like, you know, I have my friend over there. She's like, tell him what? Tell him you're.

[C]

What?

[B]

Tell him that your pussy misses him and how he's like, tell him that you want to yourself with a gun and you want him to Absolutely. Like, what? Like you want him to kick you down a flight of stairs, then you with a gun. That's. And everyone at the table was like, oh, say that, Lauren. Okay. Literally

[C]

the most outlandish to see, like, if it sticks. And sometimes they'll be like, what?

[B]

I feel like the guys that you

[C]

find it sticks, they're like, oh, yeah, it always sticks. They're like.

[B]

They're like, yeah, girl. Yeah, tell me how you want me to remember. Like, I'm a dirty little slide. We were saying, you know how like, Alex has her fans. Like, Daddy gang. Yeah, yeah, Daddy gave. We were saying how Halle's fans would be like, halle, I'm a dirty little slut and I love you so much.

[C]

What? It was like, what's up, dirty little slut. But, yeah, my sex scene's really off. Like, I'll be like, I want to choke on your fucking fat, throbbing cock until you're bleeding out of my eyes.

[B]

Right. You could have left it a big fat, throbbing cog, but you added until I'm bleeding out of my eyes. Like, that's the problem.

[C]

I should write a book.

[B]

Yeah, of like, things that girl. Yeah. How to Sex by Hallel.

[C]

No, Like, I just want to write. Like, maybe I'll have a sub stack.

[B]

I love that idea. Like a really, really dirty things.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

To sext. I mean, like, you've said some, like, crazier things before. Like the bleeding out of my eyes. I've heard that one before for sure.

[C]

Like, slapped and spit on and choked and pushed and hit and no grabbed.

[B]

Those are all, like, mild. You. You've.

[C]

You've.

[B]

Those are mild. You've said things that are like.

[C]

Wait, what was the one I said to what's his face? I was like, I want you to my throat into, like, it's coming out of the back of my head. It always leads to death or blood

[B]

until, like, something with your toes.

[C]

Until my toes curl.

[B]

But Halle also, like, sometimes you say those things just to, like, make a joke. Like, you'll literally, like, say, it's the bartender. I Can always have a dirty extra martini. And also, I want you to me until my eyes bleed.

[C]

No, but I do really think I gave great head.

[B]

No, I'm not saying that.

[C]

I'm saying, like, it's the way I. I have a way with words. And the way I describe things is I just like to paint a picture. You have to include. When you sex. You have to include all the five senses. Smell, taste, like, you have to, like, paint the picture.

[B]

Oh, my eyes.

[C]

You wanna. You wanna feel like. You know when you're in a tanning bed and they put the mist on, you feel like an Aruba and they have the music. It's like that.

[B]

I've never been misted in a tanning bed. Mine just play really loud music.

[C]

I'll go to beach bum tanning on 13th.

[B]

Literally. I'm gonna go.

[C]

But yeah, I just. I love sexing. It's an art. I was in creative writing when I was a sophomore in high school, and since then I just, like. Just like to, like, like, be creative with my analogies and.

[B]

Howie, that makes sense. Halle would always, like, even great analogies. Even back in the day when we were, like, living in Miami, I would try and sex Jordan. Hallie be like, give me that. She started texting him. Jordan, be like, hello, Halle.

[C]

Jordan, like, this is not you.

[B]

Hello, Hallie, can you please give Lauren her phone back?

[C]

I just like you. What? What did you say that one time?

[B]

I can't.

[C]

She goes, I want to jerk your. With my. I can't jerk your croc off my pussy. And just saying the whimsical Lauren tone just, like, made it so funny. That's still our inside joke years later. I want to jerk your fucking cock off with my pussy.

[B]

If you said it, it probably would have, like, been better, but I don't

[C]

know if I could actually. Could jerk off a cock with my pussy.

[B]

But if I. It's the way that I say it. It's the way that I said it in the moment to my friends that made it an inside joke. You're like, I wanna jerk his cock off my.

[C]

Yeah, I want to jerk his. And then. Let's get a bagel. Do you actually like 69ing? No, I feel like that's for the birds.

[B]

The who?

[C]

I don't know. I feel like that's a JV move.

[B]

Oh, I don't think I'm like, I think I did that in college once.

[C]

I mean, 69 is fun, but, like, I'm not gonna enjoy you going down on me if I'm like having to focus on giving you the best performance of my life. Down on your.

[B]

I won't be able to concentrate on this 69. If my eyes are bleeding because of your throat. Me so hard.

[C]

Yeah. Also, like, it's not. It's hard to give head in that position. Like, I have to like, give. Do a push up or a plank and it, like, hurts my back a little.

[D]

Wow.

[C]

Getting sore thinking about it.

[B]

So the answer is no.

[C]

No, I don't like it. I like sitting on someone's face. That's fun. But, like, still, I don't like, can't really focus. I'm like, kind of like looking at the wall, like, thinking about, like, what appointments I have the next day. I really need to be on my back and like, not sitting on someone's face to enjoy it.

[B]

Enjoy what?

[C]

Head.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[C]

So what were you talking about? 69.

[B]

69. That's why I was like, what? What is she saying?

[C]

But no, I don't like it and I never will. Goodbye. Would you consider a boyfriend getting a happy ending during massage Cheating?

[B]

I just think that's weird.

[C]

I mean, if it was talked about before. I feel like everyone should, like, check that box at some point. Didn't Denise Richards do that with her husband?

[B]

I just think, like, they're divorced now. Can't I just do it? Why do you need to go somewhere with some random person?

[C]

Yeah, I feel like it's one of those things. It's like, oh, my God. Like, be funny. Like, do and like, say you did.

[B]

It's more of like a. Oh, like, I'm gonna get, like, I don't want

[C]

to get finger blasted. But that's weird.

[B]

Like, you're going to a place where there's like a curtain between you or you're in a room with like a door and the next door. There's also a guide. It's weird. It's weird. Just like, let's get.

[C]

Where do you get your massages?

[B]

I don't know, but that's how I envision happy ending massage at places where there's like a curtain. I mean, you and the next guy.

[C]

I will say my first. Like, the talks.

[B]

Have you ever been there?

[C]

Yeah, I've been to the talks. Yeah, that's. Yeah.

[B]

Imagine that. And y' all hear is, yeah, like, imagine, dude.

[C]

Yeah, I don't think I would do it either.

[B]

I'm sick. Ew. There's like a gross.

[C]

But, like, I will say massage room porn was like the first porn I ever watched, ever.

[B]

Strangely, like, I've been watching a lot of threesome for you.

[C]

I've been watching a lot of threesomes recently.

[B]

Tell me where.

[C]

I don't know. I don't know how much more you want me to tell you.

[B]

What kind of three subs are you watching?

[C]

They kind of scary ones. Like, people are getting their rocks and I'm like, yo. I'm like, yes, yes.

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

There's this one guy that I accidentally scrolled upon who I don't know, but he's hot.

[B]

But send me a link.

[C]

I mean, do you, like, send me a shot?

[B]

My link.

[C]

But the girls are kind of chopped. I can't, like, focus on the girls.

[B]

I just. It's unfortunate that, like, the people that are important are just so, like, ugly.

[C]

The guys aren't that bad. Honestly. I, like, honestly, like, respected the ability to multitask, but the girls were honestly kind of bad at multitasking. I mean, have you had a real threesome?

[B]

No.

[C]

A lot of multitasking. I will say.

[B]

I remember you calling me right after yours.

[C]

It was Sunday.

[B]

I was driving back from Nantucket, I think, or maybe from Boston or somewhere. And you called me and told me

[C]

and I was like, okay, yeah, I didn't mean for that to happen. But it did. And like, I. Talk up is such a big game.

[B]

So, like, you couldn't say no.

[C]

And I've already hooked up with the guy that he was hooking up with another girl. And I was like, well, like, I've already, like, hooked up with him.

[B]

He's a yes man. Like, she will say yes. Like, she's gonna say yes to anything.

[C]

And then my eyes will bleed and your dick will be socked.

[B]

But, you know, I'm Hallie Bachelder.

[A]

I.

[B]

What was it I was called? I was named the Human vacuum. The human vacuum in college. And I am here to get so throat that my eyes will bleed.

[C]

And I stand by everything I said. My digital footprint, when I'm an adult, like, a real adult. I'm almost 30. I can't believe I said it like an adult. But, like, when I'm in my, like, 40s, my digital footprint will be crazy. I'll be like, remember that time I said I wanted to bleed through my eyes sucking dick.

[B]

Your husband's gonna be like, that's my girl. I made her eyes bleed.

[C]

They have to have a big dick that could make eyes bleed.

[B]

He's gonna be like, that's my girl.

[C]

Should we leave it on that?

[B]

Like, are there any other questions?

[C]

How exactly do you make or like your martinis.

[B]

You know how you like yours?

[C]

Extra dirty. Thanks for coming, guys. No, I'm kidding. We should do a different question.

[B]

Extra dirty. Filthy. Daddy issues. Martin. Me.

[C]

What? It's a story your friends will never let you forget.

[B]

Probably when I said I wanted jerk his dick off. That's one.

[C]

You definitely do. Like these funny. You have funny moments, but, like, you have so many of them. I can't think of one off the top of my head right now.

[B]

I can't think of, like, one. I just think of a lot of them. Like when I, like, randomly, like, did, like, finger guns at the restaurant.

[C]

Yeah, like. Like that. Like, we were like. We bully her kind of sometimes when she, like, does that. But, like, I do that too. Remember when I used to be like,

[B]

oh, yeah, that was a good one. That was a good one. Halle pulled up to, like, a fully packed restaurant and unloaded, I guess, like, at tables, like celebrities. At celebrities. They were honestly all like, huh?

[C]

They were like, what?

[B]

She showed up. She's like, oh, hey, guys. Gun.

[C]

It was my hyper fixation at the time, Halle.

[B]

That was insane. Like, all of us were like, what

[C]

do you have a story that you never let me live down also, just

[B]

so many, so many funny things.

[C]

I mean, you always bring up the one story about me Ubering and going,

[B]

oh, my God, I. That's my favorite story of all time.

[C]

It wasn't the worst.

[B]

Well, it's. She basically wanted to go see this guy. Have. I've told us a million times. But she wanted to go see this guy. I told her not to. So she literally told me she was gonna punch me. She was like, I'm going to punch you in the fucking face. I'm leaving. I was like, okay, whatever. She goes, she's so mad. Going down an escalator like this.

[C]

Yeah, double fuck you, double fudge you.

[B]

And then gets. Goes to the garage and has to come right back up the same escalator and see me again.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So that's my favorite story. And then she went and spent a lot of money and the guy made her pay for the hotel herself. And my favorite story of all time.

[C]

You live and you learn. And sometimes you don't learn. Sometimes you live. But, like, you have to live to learn. Okay?

[B]

And that's. And live, period on period 100.

[C]

Okay, well, I love you.

[B]

I love you too.

[C]

You do? Heart.

[B]

Remember when we got in a fight and you came over and we did, like, a full body heart and we sent it to everyone still. We sent it to everyone notifying them that we were back.

[C]

We are back.

[B]

We're so back.

[C]

I love you guys. I love you. I will see you all next week and have the best weekend ever. Xoxo us.

[D]

You've tried melatonin, the white noise machine, the blackout curtains, the magnesium and you're sleeping fine. Not great, just fine. At some point you have to consider the four year old pillow is doing more damage than the magnesium is fixing. Coop Sleep Goods is running a bundle sale 7-9-20. The starter bundle is the move. Two pillows plus a sheet set 40% off. And we're not saying it'll fix everything, we're just saying you've tried everything else. Coop's pillows are adjustable, designed to fit how you sleep, not just tolerate it. Mix and match any two pillows at 25% off or go all in on the starter bundle. One real upgrade beats six mediocre ones. Head to coopsleepgoods.com comedy that's coopsleepgoods.com Comedy for 40% off the starter bundle and 25% off all other bundles. Looking to scale your outcomes beyond search and social? Realize is Taboola's AI powered performance platform driving incremental growth by engaging high intent users across a global network of 600 million daily. Active users on premium websites. Reach and convert your audience on premium websites and placements where your customers actually spend their time. For more information and to create your account Today, go to realize.com podcast the Best Dancers from across the globe are

[B]

about to join me for the audition of a lifetime.

[A]

ABC Monday do they have what it takes to compete and be the next Dancing with the Stars pro? I'm here to win.

[B]

Nothing is going to stop me.

[A]

Our star judges will decide.

[C]

This is what hunger looks like.

[A]

It was 100 the wrong choice Robert

[B]

Irwin hosts the next era of ballroom starts right here on Dancing with the Stars.

[A]

The Next Pro series premiere Monday 87 Central on ABC. Next day on Hulu.