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Fixer Upper Marriage
Hosted by Jason R Parham · ENGLISH
Because Marriage Without Maintenance Will Break
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The Love Story of Adam and Eve
Mar 19, 202400:35:10Tap to summarizeThe Love Story of Adam and Eve Made for Each Other Bible Love Stories Volume One This is the first episode in a series (Bible Love Stories). Link to my new book, Marriage and the Fruit of the Spirit. God put Adam and Eve together, literally making them for each other and inventing the institution of marriage. In making marriage, God laid out the principles for a lifetime together. Link to a special workbook with more about Adam and Eve’s story and creative activities for you! Link to the Bible Love Stories Series page Genesis 1:26-29; 2:15-25 Creation’s 6th Day- Genesis 1:26-29 The Edenic Covenant (God’s 1st Covenant with Man)- Genesis 2:15-25 The Creation of Eve- Genesis 2:21-22 The 1st Marriage (God’s Model)- Genesis 2:23-25 Some things you can do together: Date night Household chores Shopping Sitting down to talk Video or phone calls while at work Take a class together Read a book together, such as Marriage and the Fruit of the Spirit! Some ideas about pursuing each other: Look nice for your spouse. Do thoughtful things for each other. Be affectionate. (Touching, kissing, and petting) Listen to what your spouse has to say with interest. Ask your spouse questions about them. Compliment each other. How can you be all in for your marriage? Do everything you can for love. Pray fervently for and with each other. No matter what, keep your relationship first. Never give up on each other. Do not do anything half-heartedly. The below chart is based on the book His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley Jr.: His NeedsHer NeedsSexual fulfillmentAffectionRecreational companionshipIntimate conversationPhysical attractivenessHonesty and opennessDomestic supportFinancial supportAdmirationFamily commitment The purpose of marriage: To share the mission To prepare for eternity To keep life in perspective Daily questions: Do I have any unconfessed sins of actions or neglect? Who in my life can I help lead to Christ? What can I do today that will matter in eternity? How can I help my spouse serve God today? List of priorities for life, family, and marriage: God Spouse Children Podcast music by Dan Lebowitz The post The Love Story of Adam and Eve appeared first on Fixer Upper Marriage.
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Spelling Love without the I
Sep 11, 202100:38:40Tap to summarizeTable Of Contents Why Get Married?The ProblemI Love YouLove Is LeavingLove Is OfferingLove Is VolunteeringLove Is Expecting Why Get Married? Love I want someone to love me. I want to feel loved. I want to experience being loved. I think there is a deep-seated desire to love someone, to know that out of all the people in this world, there is one that I love and that loves me back. My life has meaning because I am in love. Love is the ultimate cure for loneliness. Even when you are not together, you are still connected by this mutual feeling of love. When I was dating my wife, we had a long-distance relationship of about 200 miles. But when we fell in love, it didn’t matter how far we were away from each other because we were in each other’s hearts. You get married because you are in love. Happiness Being in a romantic relationship makes you feel happy. A 2012 study found that during the initial stages of love your body produces elevated levels of the hormone Oxytocin. It gives you a warm and fuzzy feeling. And being in love does make you feel happy. Who doesn’t want to feel happy? Who doesn’t want to be in love? I am happily married but still get ads when I am on the internet about finding someone to love. Single people are searching for the happiness of love. Even married people are looking to fall in love again or looking for it in someone or something outside of their marriage. I think most people see marriage as a vehicle to get you to the happiness that you want. It starts with just being in love, then it becomes having a family, and finally having someone to share your life with, to grow old together. Needs This is where it gets interesting because everyone has needs that marriage can facilitate. And it’s those needs that drive us into the marketplace of love. At its base marriage is an exchange of goods. One person needs physical intimacy, while another needs providing for. So they enter into a partnership of love and marriage. In exchange for this, I am giving you this. Those needs vary from person to person, but regardless of what those needs are, they are a part of the exchange that takes place in the marketplace of love. When you are single, you are looking for the best person to meet those needs. So you meet and develop this understanding that you are both capable and willing to meet those needs in that exchange. I once read this book entitled “His Needs Her Needs” by Willard Harley. I would recommend it to anyone because it was very insightful and helpful. It outlines the needs of men and women and how individuals sort out those needs and how marriage can by design meet them. Love allows you to partner with someone else to have those needs met. The Problem Things Change Maybe you mutually agree to end the whole thing and you file for divorce. “Let’s go our separate ways because we no longer can keep the exchange going and maybe we can find a better exchange somewhere else.” Maybe you both just live with the “lemon” of a deal you got stuck with. Or maybe marriage is about something entirely different. The Real Problem But what happens when the reasons you got married are no longer valid? What happens when you don’t feel in love anymore, you’re not happy, or your needs are not being met? So we made this agreement that I would give you these things and in exchange, you would give me those things. But now you are not keeping up your end of the deal. The real problem is in the way you look at marriage, to begin with. When people say, “I love you” what they mean is, “I love me”. I love what you do for me. I love the way you make me feel. I love how you take care of me. Love is a big circle and I am in the middle of it. But what if love were more than that? What if love is about the other person? “I love YOU.” It’s a turning point in love. God teaches us about a different view of love. A different way to love. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;Ephesians 5:24-25 I Love You The subject (the person doing the action) is I. The verb(the action) is love. The object is (you). In “I love you” you are doing the loving and the other receives that love. So the focus is on the other. The actions of love (the verb) are what the Bible emphasizes. So to the wife God says, give yourself to your husband. And to the husband He says, die to yourself for your wife. So this is not the same as the market exchange idea that most of us have. You don’t give this for that, instead, you give everything away in love to the other person. Love Is Leaving People Way back at the beginning of human relationships in Genesis 2:24 God makes this earth-shattering statement. Leave the people you know for the love of your life. “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother; and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” This is what happens in marriage. This doesn’t mean that you ignore all the other people in your life, but it does mean that all those people play a different role. They all go to the backseat for your love. All the relationships that you had before you married your spouse are still there but their meaning and importance change. You have to give yourself 100 percent of yourself to your spouse. Love is about you giving yourself away for your spouse. Time This is the most valuable possession that you have and it’s the most important you can leave for your spouse. Before you were married you had all your time to yourself. Now you are giving that time to your spouse. But here’s the thing, you are giving all of it to them. However your time gets divided up, your spouse gets 100 percent of it. This does not mean that you should never have a chance to pursue a hobby or spend time on something that you enjoy. But if you don’t spend time with your spouse you are stealing that time from them. Your relationship will pay for it. Think about your time as a pie chart. What percent of that chart is taken up by work, chores, hobbies, sleep? So you just give your spouse whatever is leftover, right? No, you give your spouse all that time because they are the most important part of your life. Instead, you give all those other things your leftover time. Say what you want, but at the end of the day, you do what you want with your time. Time together is what made you fall in love, to begin with. So if you want to stay in love you have to spend time together. Depending on what season of marriage you are in, you may have to get more creative with that time. But the actual amount of time is not as important as the value you place on it. You may have to work to pay the bills, but you don’t have to work all the time or let your job consume your life. That time to work is a necessity. You may have to take care of the kids but time with your spouse is more important. What are some times during your day that y...
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How Conflict Can Change You and Your Marriage
Jan 1, 202100:41:14Tap to summarizeFixerUpperMarriage.org/Conflict Jason@FixerUpperMarriage.org Like us on Facebook Summary Marriage conflict is a terrible thing. Or is it? Maybe the conflict is really about something entirely different than what you think it is! Find out what marriage conflict is all about and how it can change your marriage for the better. How Does Conflict Change You? Table Of Contents Through Your DifferencesThrough DisagreementsThrough Your ReconcilingThrough Disappointments Love sets off a series of events that alter the course of your life. Hopefully, it’s not a series of unfortunate events! Loving is about interpersonal exchanges with someone who knows you more intimately than anyone else in this world. And it’s those exchanges that can make or break your love. “I didn’t plan on falling in love with you, and I doubt you planned on falling in love with me. But once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created.” — Nicholas Sparks, Dear John I hate conflict. I just don’t want to deal with it at all. But as long as you can be calm, confronting that conflict head-on could be the best thing you can do in your marriage. One thing I love about the stories of Jesus in the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John) is the way he just unabashedly faced conflict with people. Whether it was with one of His disciples, the pharisees, lawyers, or government officials, He didn’t flinch. I think you can learn from that, how it’s better to deal with conflict than to not. Even if it doesn’t turn out the way you want it, at least things are made clear and put on the path to become better. Some married people avoid conflict at all costs. And sometimes I think marriage resources lead us to think that any conflict is bad. That is just not true. Resolving that conflict quickly is the best way to keep your love and relationship on track. People go for years without talking about things that bother them in their marriage, then when they finally reach the breaking point, everything starts spewing out and they ruin their love. I am saying that most of the time it’s better to talk about things than to let them go on. Although there are some things you can let go of. Don’t let those things feaster and build up to something you can correct together. But learning to resolve that conflict can produce a change in you and your relationship. So conflict is an important part of your love. Learning how to love is loving through the conflict. The Bible defines love in I Corinthians. The word Charity is a translation of the Greek word Agape which means love. Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. I Corinthians 13:4-7 Through Your Differences Gender Differences God made two genders with different physical and emotional needs. The big thing in American culture is to say that there are infinite genders and that gender is fluid. Meaning, however you feel or think is your real gender, not necessarily biology. There are even some areas in the country where kids in public schools are being taught this and even given counseling about it without their parent’s consent. Some are even being fastracked to cross-sex hormones to attempt to change their biological sex. The sad thing is, these treatments have lifelong reproductive consequences. But happiness doesn’t come through gender identity contrary to what is being pushed on people today. Is Gender Programed by Culture? When I was in school there was this idea that you are born a biological male or female and gender roles are programmed by culture and experience. But God made male and female distinct in anatomical and emotional ways that are meant to match with each other. So it’s not just cultural influence that makes the genders different. And in reality, the whole transgender movement inadvertently reinforces those gender differences. If gender differences don’t really exist, then why would you need to take hormones or have an operation to change genders? Gender differences will cause some conflict in marriage. Your spouse is different from you. Those differences are probably what made you fall in love to start with. Once you have been married for a while you discover that those differences can cause you to have conflicts. You have to realize and accept those differences to reconcile the conflict. Having said that, we also assign roles and expectations to gender that are not Biblical. For example, the idea that women are supposed to wash the dishes and fold the laundry while men are supposed to mow the lawn outside. So, it doesn’t make you less of a man to get off the recliner and help your spouse with the housework. And it doesn’t make you less of a woman to help with the yard work! In marriage, it’s best to communicate your expectation for each other. Sometimes when you say those expectations out loud, you realize how unrealistic they are! The conflict of gender differences is a gift from God because learning to stay in love with someone different than you despite the challenges causes an internal change in you. So the conflicts of gender differences are not about your spouse at all, they are about you. And you becoming the person that God wants you to be. Personality Differences Opposites attract. I personally think that God made us that way. Those things that are different are what generate attraction and interest. Author Gary Chapman talks about this in some of his books, how as he says it, “a babbling brook will often marry a dead sea.” It may not always be the case but I know from experience that it often is. I know my wife is different from me; I am the dead sea while she is the babbling brook. I am always cool, I mean ALWAYS. She, on the other hand, is always emotional! I have always found her bubbly personality attractive and I think she finds my cool personality attractive to. Those different personalities can cause conflict. The fact that I am ALWAYS cool can be extremely frustrating at times. While the fact that she is ALWAYS emotional can cause a cool person to lose their cool! But it’s ok that we are different and that those differences can cause conflict because learning to love through that conflict is a part of the change that God is creating in our lives. Belief Differences Here is what happens in marriage, one person is raised in a family with a unique belief system about gender roles, love, and marriage. While the other person is raised in a family with a different belief system about those same things. Not too different or you would not have been drawn together to begin with. Then those same people come together with their own set of expectations predicated on their belief systems. So each person brings their perspective into marriage. Those perspectives can cause some of the biggest problems. So here is a person...
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Lost that Lovin’ Feelin’?
Oct 25, 202000:26:52Tap to summarizeFixerUpperMarriage.org/LostLove God’s creation of love is one of the most amazing things in life. He created people with the urge to love and be loved by someone. People dream about love, read about love, and wish for love to find them. Love is the “big bang” of life. It’s when two people collide in a way that fundamentally alters the course of their lives. Love is a feeling, an emotion, a commitment, a longing, a desire, and a desperate need. Once you have fallen in love with someone, it doesn’t matter what happens, that person is always with you. I remember the moment I let go of everything; my past, my fears, my hopes, and my dreams. I let myself fall. The only things there to catch me were an overwhelming force of love or a devastating mire of hurt and defeat. But love caught me and held me tight, now I never want to let it go. When I look into the eyes of my lover I see everything I ever want and everything I have in this life. If you have found love, believe in it, nurture it, and fight for it because if you let it slip away you may never find it again. Ronald Reagan the 40th president of the United States wrote the following to his wife Nancy: “I more than love you, I’m not whole without you. You are life itself to me. When you are gone I’m waiting for you to return so I can start living again.” But love is not without its risks. There is a long trail of lost love, broken hearts, and deep regret. What do you do when you feel your love slipping away, or you wake up one day and realize you’ve lost it? How do you get it back? How do you put two broken hearts back together again? What can you do when you’ve lost that lovin’ feelin’? Nevertheless I have somewhat against thee, because thou hast left thy first love. Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen, and repent, and do the first works; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will remove thy candlestick out of his place, except thou repent.Revelation 2:4-5 Table Of Contents Remember What You HadRepent for Your WrongRepeat What You Did at First Remember What You Had (Remember therefore from whence thou are fallen) Memories Are Love’s Treasure Box Memories are the things that you have that no one can take away from you. You build your love on those memories. It starts the day you first meet. That memory connects you to the next moment and those memories just keep building and connecting; until you fall in love and all those memories get electrified. Memories become the spark that ignites the passion of your love. Sometimes, when you are right in the middle of hardship you can’t see anything except what is right in front of you. You can’t see any hope for the future or good memories from the past. You just get stuck. Memories are God’s gift to lovers. The Romantic Moments The moment I first met Amber seemed like such a fleeting thing at the time. But it became so much more meaningful as we feel in love. Her eyes looking at me and her radiant smile changed my life. I think it’s those first moments that could have gone either way that means the most to me now. Those moments when I was the most vulnerable to her. Embrace those moments with each other. Let those moments write the story of your love. The Funny Moments Relive those moments when you laughed together about something. I enjoy laughing with my wife. They say that laughter is the best medicine. The Bible even says as much in Proverbs 17:22a A merry heart doeth good [like] a medicine… The Big Moments One of the big moments for me is the moment we met. The first time we talked (which was awkward). Especially since I absolutely cannot carry a conversion. I brought my sister with me as a safety measure in case things didn’t go well. And one of the best days of my life was our wedding day. Sometimes we even look back at our wedding album. Although that is more of my wife’s thing. We have the most amazing wedding pictures. A friend had a photography business and he is amazing at it. If you ever want incredible photography that captures people in moments you can’t beat Spectrum Photography by Shannon Turner. The Little Moments I think these are the moments that make or break your marriage. Living together through the good, the bad, and the ugly. That’s what really matters, By the way, I am the bad and the ugly in our marriage! When you go out to eat together, take a walk, or just watch a movie together, you are creatting little moments. Those little moments all add up to something much bigger and meaningful in your marriage. You Make Memories Be deliberate in spending time together. The longer you are together, the harder this becomes. When you get more responsibilities and even start having kids, it gets harder to make time for each other. But you have to make it your mission to make time for each other. Even if it is in small moments. They will add up over time. We talked about this almost a couple of years ago in an episode entitled, How You Can Become Deliberate in Your Love. Being spontaneous is great, but most of the time you have to plan things in order to make them happen. So if you want a better marriage it doesn’t just happen, you have to work at it. When you are first falling in love just feels like it just happens, but staying in love takes work. Celebrate your love every chance you get. Be grateful that you have each other because that may not always be the case. Something could happen to one of you or one person could decide to leave. So it’s important to celebrate your time together while you have it because that time may be more limited than you realize. Choose to see the good in your spouse. You should NOT focus on everything wrong with your spouse. Although it is important to talk about things that bother you; it’s also important to not let those things define your spouse to you. Notice the good things that you like about your spouse and let those things define who they are to you. You don’t have to let your spouse’s faults destroy your relationship. Here’s the big reveal in all of this, YOU HAVE FAULTS TOO! This reminds me of my relationship with the Lord. He treats me according to the tiny bit of good in me (for which He gets the credit for by the way). And not for all my faults, and trust me I have a lot of them. Treat the Bad Memories as Important as the Good I know it’s hard when bad things happen. When Amber and were newly married, she delivered our first baby stillborn, my dad suffered from a major stroke (He would never fully recover), both of our cars broke down, and my job situation became unstable. All at the same time! But our love for each other was galvanized during that time. So even though it was not good at the time, these are important parts of our lives together. Repent for Your Wrong (Repent) Accept Responsibility for Your Part of the Relationship Everybody Has an Excuse I understand the sentiment of how past experiences lead you to make the choices that you make and how they shape who you are. But I think that anyone could probably justify the wrong they do in this way because everyone has scars. Maybe yours are a little deeper or more obvious than others. If you allow the hurts in your past to control you, then you are choosing to allow those events to dictate your future. Today, there is the victim mentality that is pushed in our culture. Everybody is a victim of someone or something else whether real or perceived. There is no excuse for you doing wrong in your relationship. You have to learn how to accept responsibility for your part of the problems in your relationship. When you start having problems in your marriage, the first inclination is to point to the problems that your spouse has or is causing. As if those problems have led you to do what you are doing wrong. There is probably some truth to that but you still are responsible for you. You can’t control what someone else does, but you can control how you let...
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Six Prayers that Could End Your Marriage Problems for Good
Sep 20, 202000:49:39Tap to summarizeFixerUpperMarriage.org/Prayers Read I Peter 3:1-12 Table Of Contents Little Green Mile MarkersSubmissionKnowledgeRespectEmpathyPeaceSpiritual Enlightenment Little Green Mile Markers I am driving up the interstate highway. I am in the fast-lane and I am counting the mile markers. They are these little green signs on the side of the road that mark the miles. I don’t know what purpose they serve other than a way to pass the time while driving. I have just crossed over the state line, mile marker 1. I have about 92 more mile markers before I turn off of this road. And I am thinking about how much I hate traveling. I have lived in the same small town my entire life and know it like the back of my hand. I know every short cut and backroad. I even know the history of all the landmarks. I have lived there so long that everyone looks familiar to me because I am sure I have seen them before. But now I am on a road that is taking me away. As I pass another mile marker, its mile marker 3 now, I am trying to decide what to say. I have this stuffed dog next to me I would find out later that barked, but for now it was just sitting there listening. Beside it was a bouquet and card I had doted over for an hour or more. I had painstakingly written out a note in it. I feel stupid and exposed. I am taking a risk, leaving what I know for something I don’t. I don’t even know if she will like me, or if she will keep liking me once she really knows me! Now I am getting nervous, so I look at the next marker, it’s number 4. I think the worst part of all this is not knowing. Not knowing how this whole thing will end. And I am thinking that it may not end well for me. She is all the things I am not, outgoing, loving, kind, and pretty. She is the kind of pretty that is inside and out. Everybody likes her. I am definitely not pretty and sometimes I wonder if anybody likes me. There’s another mile marker I am at number 5 now. So I start practicing on the dog again. It just seems better than talking to myself. This time I look in the review mirror which doesn’t help anything. So I do what all good Christians do when they are desperate, I pray. I ask God to somehow make this beautiful young lady love me. Which seems like a miracle to me! A couple of years later, I am driving the opposite way, passing the same mile markers (they go backwards the other way and I have no idea why). But this time, I am holding her hand, and we are passing them together. We are driving back to my hometown to spend the rest of our lives together. But I am not counting them this time; we are just driving past them. I don’t know how many “mile markers” we have driven past in our love together. But it doesn’t matter what they look like or what number is on them because we are together. And being together is the only “marker” that counts. “We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.”Sam Keen, To Love and Be Loved Love is this beautiful, fantastic power that changes everything it touches. Love is like a slow atomic bomb. It blows up your life but replaces it with something much more meaningful. People will spend a lifetime looking for love. And those who lose it will spend the rest of their life looking to get it back. Once you have fallen in love, you never really get back up. There is no cure for love, once you have it you just can’t live without it Introduction to Prayer Mapping I got this idea from helping my daughter with a school assignment. It’s called concept mapping, but I have adapted it as a prayer guide. This is how it works; while you are praying for your spouse, you map out the things that you need to pray for in their life, and by mapping those things out, you discover some things about your spouse that you may not have realized before. It may help you to understand those things that you need to pray for in your spouse, yourself, and your marriage. For example, my wife is a SAHM (stay at home mom) By mapping out some of the challenges of being a SAHM I can understand how frustrating of job that can be at times. It helps you to more effectively pray for your spouse and to see things a little differently. Six Prayers that Could End Your Marriage Problems for Good Submission (I Peter 3:1-6) What is Submission? People have really got this wrong on both sides of the argument. Some people act like the Bible is wrong or antiqued about this so they try to explain it away or avoid it altogether. Other people think it means that the husband just gets to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants and the wife just has to deal with it! Submission is an attitude in your heart. 1Pe 3:3-4, Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. It’s in the way that you respond to your husband. Even if you think he is wrong, you offer your thoughts calmly and express your willingness to accept his decision. It’s all about your attitude. If you approach him the right way, I don’t know of a man who would not listen if He is loving you as he should. Submission is a choice. No one can make you submit, if they did it would not be Bible submission. So a man cannot force his wife to submit and expect that to fit what God wants. You choose to submit to the authority that God has given to your husband. It doesn’t mean you are less of a person. In fact, I think it takes more grace and strength to follow than to lead. How Do You Submit? Submission is a return. Marriage is a “give and take” relationship and sometimes it means giving more than you are taking. So you give by submitting to your husband in authority and respect. If your husband is not leading, talk to him about it and let him know that you want him to lead your home. You are both equal, but the Spirit-filled wife agrees to follow the lead of her husband as you both follow Christ. Submission is two-way. You can find this principle in Ephesians 5:21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. So even the husband submits to the needs and wants of his wife. If the husband loves his wife as he should, he has her best interests in mind. This is the Bible model for marriage. For the husband to lovingly lead and for the wife to follow. If you are not there right now, it’s OK, you can get there with God’s help. I’m just being honest, but I don’t always lead as I should and my wife doesn’t always submit as she should but we are working on it. There is this song that was popular when I was little but it’s still true it’s called He’s Still Working on Me: In the mirror of His word Reflections that I see Makes me wonder why He never gave up on me But He loves me as I am and helps me when I pray Remember He's the potter, I'm the clay He's still working on me To make me what I need to be It took him just a week to make the moon and stars The sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars How loving and patient He must be 'Cause He's still workin' on me <blockquote c...
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11 Ways to Keep Money from Destroying Your Marriage
Jul 19, 202000:46:06Tap to summarizeFixerUpperMarriage.org/money What is Money? Money is this powerful, mysterious force that controls and changes your life. It divides people into classes (the haves and the have nots). And nothing makes people more jealous than money.Money is an intoxication. Having it makes you feel powerful, independent, and free. Not having it makes you feel weak, helpless, and bound. It is like an addiction to a powerful drug. It controls you.Money is an abusive master. It manipulates you with fear and hopelessness. It beats you down, stresses you out, and dictates what you can or can’t do.Money is an elusive substance- a mirage in the desert of life. When you find it, it is never really there. It’s a dream that never lives up to reality. It is never enough.Money is a terrible lover who steals your heart and never loves you back. Money is a god who demands your worship at all costs. It takes your soul but only gives superficial things back. In a poll of divorced people conducted by MagnifyMoney, 21% of divorcées cite money as the cause of their divorce. Of course, we all know that money problems cause a lot of stress. And that stress can destroy your relationship. How crazy is it, that little pieces of paper can have so much power. But money only has the power that you give it. There are ways to keep it from hurting your love. Most money problems are self-inflicted but other times things happen, like injury, death in your family, sickness, or job loss. But regardless of how you get into financial hardship, that hardship doesn’t have to mean the end of your love. “Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads and empty hearts can do that.”–Norman Vincent Peale As a disclaimer, I am not a financial expert or advisor. My focus is on how money impacts your relationship. And as a confession, I am working on these things in my own marriage. So maybe this whole thing is for me! But I think you will definitely find this episode helpful. I will leave the links to any of the resources in the comments below. Table Of Contents 1. Talk About Your Budget Together2. Prioritize Your Spending3. Use the ROI Method to Analyze Your Spending Choices4. Limit Your Credit Accounts5. Live Within Your Means6. Save for Large Purchases7. Don’t Let Money Be Your Measuring Stick of Success8. Use Available Resources9. Give Yourself Some “Free” Money10. Give Liberally11. Remember Where Your Money Really Comes From 1. Talk About Your Budget Together Don’t Hide Things from Each Other When you become one, so does your money. Your relationship is built on trust and if you violate that trust, it can deeply harm the love that you have for each other. Husbands and wives should live in a glass house with each other. I am not doing something on the computer that my wife knows nothing about. I don’t have relationships with other people that she is not aware of. There is nothing on my phone that she cannot have access to. You should not have a secret savings account or money stashed away somewhere. If you feel the need to do this, there are obviously some bigger issues that you need to work on in your relationship. It is better to confront your spouse with problems than to try to hide things from them. You should not have secret credit cards or accounts that your spouse doesn’t know about. Even if you think that they would be OK with it, you should still be completely open with them because that “OK”, could become a not OK in a hurry when you start having problems. I can think of two exceptions: If you are saving for a birthday/anniversary surprise. That is a good reason to hide some money!If your spouse is abusive, you may need to hide some money so that you can get away from them. God doesn’t want you to stay in a situation where you are in danger and it may be necessary to come up with a plan to get away from them. Should You Have Separate Bank Accounts? This is a controversial topic for sure! And I have heard the arguments from both sides. What you have to remember is that when you get married, you agree to share your lives together and that includes your material possessions. So this is the principle: But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.Mark 10:6-9 God makes you one when you enter into the covenant of marriage. This includes everything, even money. This is why you should talk about money before you get married and not marry someone you can’t trust! You should both know what is going on with debts and finances. Usually, there is one person in the marriage who primarily handles the money, things like paying the bills. But both of you should know what is going on. In our household, I am usually the one paying the bills and I don’t always do a good job of communicating. There have been times when I have not told my wife we were short on money because I did not want her to worry. But that is a mistake because you are a team that is working together to make your marriage work. It can’t work if you are not sharing. The particulars of the accounts are not as important as the communication and understanding that you should both have. So having separate accounts is really not the issue. You could each have 5 separate accounts as long as you both know about it and have reached an agreement about it. For instance, the spouse who primarily pays the bills may have an account to take care of those things while the other spouse may need to manage an account to pay for things like groceries and household supplies. The key is communicating and agreeing with each other about this beforehand. So should you have separate bank accounts? You both have to answer this question together. Whatever money either of you earn belongs to both of you and should be treated that way. Communicate with Each Other Whatever you do, make sure you communicate that with each other. Talk about what your short term plans and your expectations are. For example, if you think you should have a two-week vacation every year, you should both sit down and talk about ways to make that happen. And you should talk about long term plans, like saving for retirement. Even the small things like how often you will eat out are important things to plan together. It is important to make sure you are both on the same page and that you put the principle of two lives becoming one into your marriage. 2. Prioritize Your Spending Divide Your Expenses into Lists of Importance Don’t get me wrong, all your bills are important and the things that you need matter, but narrowing down the things that are the most critical can help you both plan your budget and pay your bills. This is a list that may make sense to you (as Christians our top necessity is giving, more on that later, but I am not including that here.) If you think I should add items, you can leave them in the comment section below. Fixed Necessities are things that you absolutely have to pay and the cost, for the most part, stays the same. HousingElectricityWaterPhoneInternet (could be depending on your situation)Life InsuranceTaxesCar Payment? <h4 class="w...
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Help! We Don’t Have Anything in Common Anymore!
May 13, 202000:35:11Tap to summarize8 Ways to Find and Develop Things You Can Have in Common in Your Marriage FixerUpperMarriage.org/Common Jason@FixerUpperMarriage.org Table Of Contents What’s So Great about Matchbox Cars?1. Schedule Time to Just Talk2. Treat Each Other Like Best Friends3. Start Fresh in Your Relationship4. Try Some New Things Together5. Get Involved With the Things that Your Spouse Likes6. Reminisce Over Your Relationship History7. Recognize and Rejoice Over Demonstrations of Love8. Work On Your Faith TogetherSummary What’s So Great about Matchbox Cars? I’m 4 years old and in the store with my mom. I’m riding in a shopping cart but not in the place where kids normally ride, I’m in the basket area where my mom always puts the stuff that she buys. The store is called K-Mart, it’s a huge store that has a little bit of everything. My mom likes to shop here because they have blue-light specials. What this means is, while you are shopping a blue light starts flashing in a certain area of the store and that meant there was a sale in that department. I loved it when the blue light came on because my mom would take off with me in the cart and it was like a rollercoaster ride! But I like K-Mart because it has toys and my mom would take me down the toy aisles if I asked. I know we have everything that we need, but also know that we don’t always have extra. So I knew not to ask for any of the “big” toys but there was one little toy that was fairly cheap and I knew that if I asked for it, I was more likely to get it. Maybe you have heard of them, they are called Matchbox cars. They are these little diecast metal cars that come in all kinds of different types and colors. Sometimes I get the Hot Wheels, which are tricked out matchbox cars but are a few cents more. I was fine with just the plain Matchbox cars because they were just as fun! When we get home I run straight outside with my new Matchbox car and my little collection in tow. My mom is watching me through the window over the kitchen sink while she catches up on the dishes. And when she is ready for me to come in she will holler my name out the window. If I don’t come in right away she will call out my full name JASON REGAN PARHAM. I know that means to run inside! So I am outside playing with my Matchbox cars by myself at a stump. The stump was cool because my dad had cut down the tree and it was just an awesome place to play cars. Then I notice a big person jumping our chain link fence and coming into our yard. I don’t know him, but I know he is an older kid in our neighborhood. That’s when something amazing happens, He walks up to me, gets on his hands and knees and offers to play Matchbox cars with me. I don’t know how long we are going to play but it is great just to have someone to play with. I know right now that I have a friend in this world. Someday I would be a 44 year old man (don’t tell anyone my age because I look younger than I am!) digging through a big box of Matchbox cars finding the perfect cars for my three daughters. I will go home, get on my hands and knees, and play cars with them because I want to be like that friend who made a little boy’s day. And I hope someday, they will buy those little cars for their kids, and make their day. To some people those cars are just cheap little toys, but to me, they are points of connection with the people I love. And it’s those connections that make life worth living. “To the world you may be one person; but to one person you may be the world.” Dr. Suess My wife asked me this question a couple of weeks ago. “Do we have anything in common anymore?” I said “sure” then tried to name all the wonderful things we have in common. It was embarrassing after I said our children. I found some, but it did take me some time. The world is truly a small place. With email, mobile phones, and social media networks you can connect with people all over the world instantly. But you can lose your connection with the person who is the closest to you. Time, life, and responsibilities all have a way of disconnecting lovers. Even entertainment has become too personal over the past decade. Whether you are watching a show or playing a game you are probably doing it solo. Most couples are caught up in their own lives and entertainment online. If you are not careful your love can get broken and you will find yourself married to a person that you feel like you have nothing in common with. It’s like everything pushes you apart and you lose that connection that made your love special to begin with. So what do you do when you wake one day and realize that you have nothing in common with your spouse? Ok, let’s figure this out together. I have to admit that this is a recent struggle in my own marriage. Amber and I are looking for ways to reconnect with each other and discover more things that we have in common. So if you have an idea to help us you can leave a comment below. 1. Schedule Time to Just Talk This is a big one. To have things in common you have to take the time to talk and listen to each other. But taking that time is the real challenge. Or maybe I should say making that time. You have to be intentional about talking Do whatever works for you but whatever you do, do something that works. You have to make time to talk to each other. Be sure to take turns talking and listening to each other. This is not good if one person just dominates the conversation! Here are some conversation starters that you may find helpful. How was your day?What are your plans for tomorrow? Be careful that this doesn’t come across as pressuring them, you don’t want to stress your spouse out.What was the best thing that happened to you today? My wife is a big college basketball fan. Every year after March Madness (the NCAA basketball tournament), someone makes a highlight video with all the big moments, it’s called “One Shining Moment”. So sometimes I will ask, “What was your one shining moment for today?” It could be something big or something small, but it was one good thing that happened. What are your favorite things we have done together? To think about our favorite times helps us to connect.What are some of the things you would like to do together? This could be anything, as small as walk around the block to weekend getaway. I am sure there are many more. Do you have any conversation starter ideas? Just leave them in the comments below. Talking Is What Makes Your Relationship Work It’s what made your relationship to start with, even though the talks may have been a little bit corny at first. Let’s face it people act dumb when they are in love :-). Especially new love. But just talking is what matters the most. You just can’t have a relationship without talking to each other. When you don’t take the time to talk it’s like you are smothering your love. And it won’t take long for that love to completely die out. Here are some things that can work against your relationship. Jobs- Your work schedule can impact your time to talk and affect your relationship. You just have to learn to be intentional in taking time to talk. You have to make that time. When you are making decisions in your working life, you should consider the impact the job will have on your marriage. If you absolutely cannot talk to your spouse, maybe you should consider some sort of career change to make this happen. Don’t let your career be the death of your love. In today’s high pressure economic times I think this happens more than is acknowledged. Entertainment- There was ...
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Did You Marry the Wrong Person?
Apr 12, 202000:36:57Tap to summarizeFixerUpperMarriage.org/Wrong email: Jason@FixerUpperMarriage.org Table Of Contents A Cool StoryYou Are Married to the Wrong Person Because Your Expectations Have Made them WrongYou Are Married to the Wrong Person Because They Are Wrong by NatureYou Are Married to the Wrong Person Because You Are Missing the Right Person A Cool Story I am in the 6th grade and I’m stepping out of our family station wagon. My mom always made sure I had everything I needed for school. I am carrying a brown paper sack with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a Little Debbie cake. In my pocket is a little bit of change to buy a carton of milk. My school had the cardboard kind that if you did not get it open on the first try, it was impossible to open! I am wearing a freshly pressed pair of blue jeans and a button-up shirt. My hair is neatly combed to the side. My mom even made me wear a white t-shirt under my shirt because gentlemen wear t-shirts! She even dropped me off early to make a good impression. When you are early to my school in the winter you have to wait in the large lunchroom for the first bell to ring. So I find an empty table and sit down. I put my lunch sack and my bookbag on the table beside me. It’s my first year of middle school and I am finding out about all the different social groups that kids get into. There are the jocks (athletic kids), the cool kids, the troublemakers, the outcasts, and the nerds (who rule the world now)! The thing is, I just don’t fit in with any of them, but I want to be one of the cool kids. Sometimes we call it “bad”, which doesn’t really mean bad but more like extremely good!? The cool kids are the popular kids, the ones that have everything in middle school. They had friends. They didn’t sit at tables by themselves. That’s when it happened, a moment that would change my life. I notice one of the cool kids from the other side of the lunchroom walking towards me. He comes up to my table and sits down across from me. I am thinking that this could finally be my chance to become cool. So now I am nervous. He looks at me and leans over the table. I can’t believe this is actually happening. He asks me a question, “do you want to know how to be cool”? I said “sure”, but inside I am screaming, “Yes, please, please tell me how”! So he grabs his shirt, then points to mine and says with a cruel smirk on his face, “never let people see your white t-shirt.” Then he just stands up and walks off. For a 6th grader who wants so desperately to be cool, this hit me like a ton of bricks! So I look down and sure enough, my white t-shirt is showing at the top. This doesn’t seem like a big deal but apparently it is. Now I am completely embarrassed and humiliated. I feel like everyone in the lunchroom has noticed my white t-shirt. The only way to cover it up would be to button my shirt all the way up, which would make me look like what we call a “dork” and I definitely don’t want to be one of those! So I am going to have to somehow make it through this day. At that moment I knew I would never be with the cool people. It hurt, but I learned something that day. It’s something that I wouldn’t fully realize until years later. I don’t have to be like anyone else. I don’t have to fit in. I learned that I am only really good at one thing, that’s being me. And being me is OK because the “me” is the person that the infinite God in Heaven created. I think that many people miss this in marriage and in life. Being you is the most important thing because you are the person your spouse fell in love with. And you are the person who can love your spouse as no one else can. “If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.” A. A. Milner (Winnie the Pooh) Love is about you loving and being loved. It’s about accepting and being accepted for who you are as a person. When you were little, you heard your first love story, and from that moment, your mind started racing to have your own. You want to find just the right person to love. Just the right person to love you. And when you find them, your life becomes completely unhinged. You leave behind everything because love is the one thing in life that feels right. But every love story has doubts. Maybe it’s in the big question that most people think but never speak out loud. Did I marry the wrong person? So did you marry the wrong person? Let’s answer that question right now together… You Are Married to the Wrong Person Because Your Expectations Have Made them Wrong It’s not that the person you choose to marry is wrong for you, it’s that you made expectations for that person and your love that are unattainable. Love takes you to another dimension of life. It transports you to a place where nothing matters. If you could live off love, you might be set for life, but you still have to do life and life is what can become the enemy of love. There Are No Hollywood Endings Every girl wants to find her knight in shining armor and every guy wants to find his princess. And then you realize the knight and shining armor doesn’t always have a shining armor. Or the princess doesn’t always look like a princess. Life Happens The truth is that love is awesome, but it is not always pretty. Life and love get messy sometimes, that is when love is tested and strengthened. We talked about this a few weeks ago in the lesson entitled Why Is Love So Messy? Marriage is not an endless stream of romantic moments and doesn’t always have a happy ending. Things happen that get in the way of happiness. It’s just like the wedding vows that people make without thinking twice about them: In sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or for worse. New love makes us only see health, riches, and better. But sickness, poorer, and worse are all coming soon because life is made to bring them. Your expectations don’t include these things, so you think that your love is a disappointment. And you ask, “Am I married to the right person?” Family Happens I like to think about the love story of Adam and Eve. They were completely alone together. It was like an endless honeymoon. Until one day Eve gets morning sickness and a baby bump! Then everything changes for them. When you start a family, it’s like life starts fast-forwarding. At the end of the day, you are just too exhausted for a romantic evening together. So your love has to adjust. You wake one morning and you realize that all the expectations are completely demolished. When I said “I do”, I was saying “I do” to being hopelessly lost and totally in love for the rest of my life. Not caught up in a whirlwind of endless chores and hardships! Then you think about all the things that are missing in your love life and you ask, “Am I married to the right person?” Disappointment Happens Love is this crazy balance of amazingness and disappointment. When life doesn’t go like you envisioned it throws everything off. It makes you wonder what is wrong but there is nothing wrong. Disappointments are designed to grow your love and to change you. Loving my wife makes me a better person. Learning to stay in love with her makes me a better Christian. You may not have a fairy tale love story, but you have each other. Your expectation should be in the commitment that you made to your spouse and to God. So if I am not happy right now, I have to learn how to love in that disappointment. God should be disappointed in me. I know He has good plans for me but I mess them up all the time. Yet, He still loves me. That’s because he loves the person I am, not what I do for Him, or how I make Him feel. We have these expectations for each other that are not realistic. Your only expectation in marriage should be to love your spouse. You Will Have Disagreements Everything that moves creates friction. Two lives connected together in marriage are bound to produce some kind of friction. Sometimes an argument can bring something to light in your marriage that you would not have seen otherwise. Maybe the reason I fight with my spouse is that I have selfish expe...
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Three Thieves of True Love
Mar 17, 202000:29:13Tap to summarizeFixerUpperMarriage.org/thieves Email: Jason@FixerUpperMarriage.org Table Of Contents It’s Gone1. The Thief of Familiarity2. The Thief of Desire3. The Thief of NeglectSummary It’s Gone It’s gone! I yelled to my wife as I walked in the door of our house after a long day at work. I feel sick to my stomach and angry at the same time. Pulling into our driveway, I knew it right away. There is nothing left but pieces of a broken lock. Now I am frantically searching and dialing the number for the local police. I don’t think this has ever happened to me before. Suddenly, I am a helpless victim of a crime. I work hard for my money and I had saved up for months to buy it. And just like that it was gone. The police came out right away. It’s stolen, someone took it when I wasn’t looking. How could they? How dare they take something that did not belong to them? I am filling out a police report and describing what they took. It was there when I left for work that morning, I think. It’s gone now. I don’t know what else to say. Everyone knows how I could have prevented it. It’s like everyone I know has become a Monday morning quarterback, telling me what I should have done on gameday. I should have hid it. I should have used better locks. I should have made it harder to steal. I should have bought insurance. But none of this is helping, because my stuff is gone and I can’t get it back. I am going to search everywhere. I am going to get it back. But I don’t know where to look or who stole it, or why. So I start looking on craigslist thinking they would sell it for money. I even go to look at some for sale to see if it is mine. Once I met these shady guys behind a gas station to look at one. I think one of them had a gun under his shirt! I immediately knew it wasn’t mine and they were angry that I wasted their time, like it is my fault someone stole from me. I even found a suspect and staked out his property like a private eye for a while to see it I could find it. I don’t know what I would have done? I just wanted my stuff back. It feels helpless to lose something that is valuable to you. Even worse to know that someone else has it and is enjoying it somewhere. For months I would stop and look every time I saw someone with a trailer like mine. Is that one it? No, mine is gone. Maybe I should be flattered that someone wanted what I had. Maybe I should be thankful I was able to have what I lost. Or maybe I will get another one someday. I just can’t have that one back. But I wonder if the thief really just reminded me to protect all things that he didn’t take. If you have love, you have something that everyone in this world is after. So you have to protect it from thieves. You have to hold it so tightly that no one can take it from you. These are the three thieves of true love and this is how you keep them from stealing from YOU! 1. The Thief of Familiarity Familiarity breeds contempt. It’s one of those overused sayings that actually has a lot of meaning. There is this danger of getting close to someone. You learn all their faults and failures and in doing so lose your respect for them. Something similar happens when you get married and start living together. You see all the things you missed when you were falling in love, now those things are a problem. You just get used to that person being in your life and you take them for granted. It’s like you become blinded to the valuable things about that person because you are so familiar with them. The Bible tells this story of Jesus trying to teach people in his hometown (Mark 6:1-6). Even though His teachings were powerful and He was changing people’s lives, they said, “Isn’t he the carpenter’s son”? Knowing Him so closely kept Him from being able to do things for them. The same thing happens when you have been married for a while. You lose sight of all the awesome things about the person you love because your familiarity with them is blinding you. Familiarity is a thief that is coming to rob you of true love. Use Selective Perception Love is blind. When you first start falling in love, you are blind to the faults of your lover. It’s like you become so enthralled with what you like about each other, that you miss the faults. Have you ever tried to point out the faults of a couple in love? They absolutely CANNOT see them. Until you get used to each other, then that familiarity causes you to see those faults. That is when the problems begin. That’s when we all look at each other and nod, “the honeymoon is over.” Because we know, they are no longer blind. So, you can transform your lover by ignoring the bad. My wife says that sometimes I have selective hearing. Meaning that I only choose to hear what I want to hear, and ignore the rest! Maybe that is true sometimes, I don’t know! So, having selective perception in your marriage means that you deliberately choose to ignore the negative parts of your spouse and instead focus on the positive parts. So in your mind, love becomes blind again. You choose to change your perception of your spouse. I am choosing to look at you differently. I am choosing to think about all the things I like about you instead of the things I don’t. With a little practice, you can condition your mind to transform that familiarity into something positive in your relationship Acknowledge What You Like About Your Spouse Make a list in your mind of all the good qualities that you like about your spouse. These could be things you admire. It could also just be things you like about them. Sometimes, Christians have a tendency to spiritualize EVERYTHING. Yes, I love the way my wife has faith in the Lord, but I also like certain things about her personality and appearance. And it’s OK to enjoy those things! This will allow you to focus on those things and keep the thief of familiarity from stealing your love away. Take out some paper and write some of those things down and if you are feeling really daring, share them with your spouse. This will change your marriage and your relationship together. Embrace Your Familiarity There is also something valuable about your familiarity with each other. You can embrace your familiarity and use it to enhance your relationship. The instructions of Proverbs 5 reveal this principle. Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well. Let thy fountains be dispersed abroad, and rivers of waters in the streets. Let them be only thine own, and not strangers’ with thee. Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger?Proverbs 5:15-20 You have the advantage of knowing each other. Why would you embrace a stranger? They don’t even know you. You know your spouse and your spouse knows you. You know your likes and dislikes. You know how to bring joy to each other. A stranger knows none of these things. And the longer you are together the more intimate your knowledge of each other becomes. There is this misconception that a stranger has something for you that your spouse doesn’t. But you can use your familiarity with each other to strengthen your relationship. You can deepen your love by enjoying the good things about each other that you are familiar with. Also, your history together should mean something too. If a stranger seems to have something that your spouse doesn’t. Think about all the things that you have shared together in that familiarity. The love and the relationship that you have built with your spouse is more valuable than what a stranger could offer you. The stranger is a lie. That person has lots of things that you don’t like, but you don’t realize those things because that person is a stranger to you. So embrace the lover that is familiar to you, the one that committed your heart on your wedding day. 2. The Thief of Desire What exactly is desire and how ...
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Fear, Love, and Plain Vanilla Ice Cream
Feb 29, 202000:30:12Tap to summarizeFixerUpperMarriage.org/vanilla email: Jason@FixerUpperMarriage.org Table Of Contents Plain Vanilla Ice CreamOvercome Fear by Living in the PresentOvercome Fear by Trusting the One You LoveOvercome Fear by Reading the End of the StorySummary Plain Vanilla Ice Cream I just want plain vanilla ice cream. I am in our church fellowship hall, it’s a large multipurpose building with a dining area, kitchen, and serving area. I am walking up to the table to place my order of ice cream. I really don’t care for ice cream, but occasionally I will just randomly crave it. I usually don’t even finish it. But my pastor had bought a commercial-style ice cream machine for our church and was obsessing over it. It even somehow found his way into sermons and he was constantly tinkering with it. So I guess all that talk made me want to try some. Now I am at the table where my close friend is serving. I say to her, “I just want plain vanilla ice cream.” Of course, she tries to talk me into extra toppings. Because want kind of person just wants plain vanilla ice cream? “No, I just want plain vanilla ice cream”, so she rushes to the machine, but hands the bowl off to a stranger. This stranger walks up to the table and gives me the ice cream. She is beautiful. She has long auburn colored hair and green eyes. But when she smiles, it’s like the world stops spinning. I’ve liked some girls before but never had a person captivate me like this. So I give her my awkward introverted smile back but I am speechless. I want to ask, “who are you?”, but I just can’t get the words to come out of my mouth. I didn’t know it at the time, but one year later at the same place, we would be formally introduced by my pastor, eventually fall madly in love, get married and raise a family together. It’s a journey that started with plain vanilla ice cream. A moment that is frozen in time. The moment when I saw her for the first time. Our journey together is not over, but hanging over me is this dark cloud of dread and fear. It’s the unknown. The moment when I will see her for the last time. I don’t know when it will be, who will go first, or whether it will be unexpected or not. But I am hoping that I will look into her green eyes, hold her hand, and see her smile one last time. Because, after all, I just wanted plain vanilla ice cream, but she has given me so much more. “To love is to be afraid. You are frightened, deathly terrified, that something will happen to those you love. […] And love enslaves us all, for you cannot have love without fear.” ― Marie Lu I think that fear and love are two of the most powerful emotions in the world. Fear keeps us from doing things that we otherwise would have and love makes us do things that we otherwise would not. Marriage is where fear and love collide. Maybe that is why falling in love is such a powerful emotion. The fear of rejection is blasted away by the feelings of love and acceptance. God made marriage to be this delicate balance between fear and love. But it is the joy and victory of love over the fear that makes love so amazing. This is the story of fear and love. This is how love wins. Overcome Fear by Living in the Present The Power of Now Fear makes your mind fast forward to an uncertain future. But by focusing on the now that is certain you can ground yourself at the moment you are in. I cannot control what might happen in the future, but I live in the moment I am in right now. Tomorrow everything could change but right now I have the love of my life by my side. At a sweetheart banquet at our church, I passed out note cards and everyone wrote down their worst fear about marriage. By far the most common was losing your spouse. Other answers included failing your spouse in some way. All of them involved the future. The reality is that those fears could become a reality. The chance of one of you dying before the other is real. Depending on your particular situation, I am sure that things like age, health, and lifestyle play into it. But it’s at least a 50/50 chance that your spouse will die before you. So, you overcome this fear by living in the moment you are in, instead of the one that you are not. God gives you grace to live in the moment you are in right now, not the one that you might be in tomorrow. By distancing yourself from the future, you can learn to live in the Grace that God has given you for today. Jesus, in His great Sermon on the Mount, said the following: But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.Matthew 6:33-34 Jesus was teaching that you should live in the present instead of worrying about tomorrow. Fear of tomorrow is overcome by living in today. There is this song that I enjoy listening too, it is sung by several groups and it’s called Fear not Tomorrow. It contains the powerful words, “Fear not tomorrow, God is already there.” God will be there for you tomorrow just like He is today. The Power of Here I want you to open your Bible and put your hands on the pages. You are here right now in this moment and all the promises of God’s Word are right here with you. Fear is no match for the truth of God’s world. And that truth will help you when nothing else in this world can. A car battery has a red (hot wire) and a black (ground wire). The ground wire is connected to the frame of the car and without that “grounding” the red wire can’t work right. So the car will not start, and all the electronics will not come on. Love and faith are the same way, if it is not grounded to the frame of the Bible it just will not work right. Touch your Bible, read its pages, memorize it, and ground your love for the Lord and your spouse in its truths. Truth is the antecedent of fear. All three of my daughters went through this phase where they were afraid of the dark. So one of the things I did to help them was I would turn on the lights and let them look at everything in the room, under the bed, in the closet, and behind the door. Then when I turned out the lights, I explained to them that the room was exactly the same as before. The truth drives out fear. God’s Word is the ultimate truth, and you are experiencing truth right now where you are at. Reality is truth and it is here, fear is in the future and it is not here. For example, if you have a fear of your spouse cheating on you, turn the lights on so you can see the truth. Talk to them about it and see what they are doing on their phone or the computer. Or ask them to tell you about their relationships outside of the home. So by “turning on the lights” and exposing the truth you destroy that fear. Truth triumphs over fear. Use the truth that you have right now to overcome whatever fear you are experiencing in your life. The Bible is the ultimate light, so use that light to ground you in the present and keep your mind from drifting to fear of the future. When I am afraid about something, I find a bible verse about it, and I quote it to myself. That verse that I have in my heart keeps me grounded in the present and helps me stay with God right now. I love the words of Psalm 119 Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee. Blessed art thou, O Lord: teach me thy statutes. With my lips have I declared all the judgments of thy mouth. I have rejoiced in the way of thy testimonies, as much as in all riches. I will meditate in thy precepts, and have respect unto thy ways. I will delight myself in thy statutes: I will not forget thy word.Psalm 119: 11-16 The power of God’s Word in the here and now is the greatest weapon against any fear that you could ever have. If you have fear in your life, use the truth in the Bible to ground you to the here and now. The Power of Praise I like to think about how incredibly good God is to me. His goodness is something that I can rejoice in right now. In fact, if nothing else I can rejoice in who He is to me. This a...
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