Amelia Chiarenza on Goodbyes and Death Doulas

Summary

Forever35 Podcast: "Amelia Chiarenza on Goodbyes and Death Doulas"

Date: June 29, 2026
Hosts: Doree Shafrir & Elise Hu
Guest: Amelia Chiarenza (Death Doula, Coach, Podcaster)

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Episode Overview

This episode of Forever35 features an in-depth and heartfelt conversation with Amelia Chiarenza—death doula, podcast host, former NCAA rowing coach, technologist, and self-described passionate risk-taker. Hosts Doree and Elise delve into Amelia’s eclectic career path, her transition into death doula work after a period of profound personal loss, and how facing mortality directly can transform the way we live. The discussion covers what a death doula actually does, the accessibility of such support, and practical and emotional lessons about saying goodbye.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Self-Care Routines (12:10–14:38)

• Amelia’s morning self-care: Hot water with ginger and lemon, play with her dog Louie for presence and oxytocin, and meditative movement/breathwork inspired by her athletic background.
• MVP Moves for Travel:
  • Bird Dog exercise for core stabilization:

    "There's nothing like putting a hotel towel on the floor ... but if you can find enough room ... you stretch one leg out and then the opposite arm. ... It's really working on checking into stabilizing your core."
    — Amelia Chiarenza [13:52]

2. Amelia’s Path to Becoming a Death Doula (15:03–18:27)

• Career journey: From collegiate rowing to aerospace, to eventual work as a death doula, motivating themes: risk-taking and lifelong learning.
• Catalyst moments:
  • The sudden death of her mother, best friend, and terminal illness of her father in a short span shifted her life direction dramatically.
  • Developed a craving to understand and discuss death more openly, leading to her podcast and advocacy.

3. How Experiences with Loss Changed Her Perspective (18:27–21:15)

• Intimacy with Death:

  "It became intimate. It became almost just part of my being... I wasn’t ignoring death but I certainly wasn’t carrying it as something present in my daily life. And that’s shifted."
  — Amelia [18:42]

• Living with Mortality:
  • Her awareness of death is now present in small daily actions and decisions, not as a distant concept.

4. What Is a Death Doula? (21:15–23:19)

• Definition and roles:
  • Works with the dying or those contemplating mortality, and/or their loved ones.
  • Functions include advocacy, resource integration, presence, guidance, and helping to clarify needs and desires.
  • Not just for the final moments—can be involved earlier in the process.

5. Accessibility Challenges (23:19–25:02)

• Limitations:
  • Most insurances and systems in the US do not cover death doula services.
  • Sometimes available through hospice, but often privately paid.
  • Importance of increasing accessibility and awareness.

6. Working with the Dying and Families (25:02–27:59)

• Relationship structuring:
  • Defined roles—can be for the dying individual, their family, or both.
  • Services can be curated for each situation.
• Practicality:
  • Support is offered remotely or in-person, depending on needs and location.
  • Examples: guiding visioning exercises, providing resources, or being physically present.

7. Lessons in Living from Being with the Dying (29:22–31:57)

• The Power of Goodbye:

  "The first thing that comes to mind is the value in saying goodbye ... I think there’s something really beautiful and critical about those moments of goodbye. ... It can bring a lot of comfort ..."
  — Amelia [29:22]

• Self-care's importance:
  • Essential for both clients and practitioners before, during, and after end-of-life interactions.

8. Cultivate Being Podcast (32:01–36:31)

• Origin & Mission:
  • Born from her own despair and a "craving of knowing," the podcast is an intimate exploration of loss, connection, and hoping listeners feel less alone.
  • Collaboration with producer Theo Balcombe.
• Living more fully:

  "Death is a mystery ... but I want to get really, really close and I want to try to understand ... I want to share that with other people ..."
  — Amelia [32:20]

• Link between death-awareness and thriving:
  • Contemplating mortality brings "color to the tapestry" of life and encourages deeper presence and better decision-making.

9. Common End-of-Life Themes (36:31–38:40)

• Reflections from the Dying:
  • Regret, making amends, distilling what's meaningful, and sharing stories.

  • "There’s a natural reflection ... that distilling, you know, people distilling and getting to a place of what they really, really want and what they really, really need ... being highly in that moment."
    — Amelia [37:09]

10. How to Find a Death Doula (38:40–40:49)

• Finding support:
  • Use the International End-of-Life Doula Association’s online directory.
  • Explore community resources, ask hospitals or libraries, or contact doulas directly via their websites.
  • Amelia’s website: cultivatebeing.com

11. Memorable & Notable Quotes

• On change and grief:

  "I'm a person who is willing to take risk. I consider myself a risk, a thoughtful risk taker ... through various mentorships and passion for the sport ... and then my life completely shifted when my mother became suddenly sick and died eight weeks later."
  — Amelia [15:03]

• On living:

  "I can be living and I can be thriving and I am dying at the same time."
  — Amelia [26:15]

• On the present:

  "Now though, it is as if I’m operating on a completely different frequency. So all of those things are expanded and... brighter and sharper."
  — Amelia [20:01]

• On mortality awareness:

  "Everyday we’re living, we’re one day closer to dying."
  — Elise & Amelia [36:50]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment | Timestamp | |-----------------------------------------------|-------------| | Introduction & self-care routines | 12:04–14:38 | | Amelia’s career and story | 15:03–18:27 | | How loss changed her view of death | 18:42–21:15 | | What does a death doula do? | 21:15–23:19 | | Accessibility & practicalities | 23:19–27:59 | | On the lessons of being with the dying | 29:22–31:57 | | All about "Cultivate Being" podcast | 32:01–36:31 | | Common themes from the dying | 36:31–38:40 | | How to find a death doula | 38:40–40:49 |

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Tone & Notable Moments

• Warm, thoughtful, vulnerable; sprinkled with quiet humor and profound reflection.
• Standout moment: Amelia describing her work as an “everyday doula” and how "living and dying" are intertwined (26:15).

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Resource Links

• Amelia’s Website & Podcast: cultivatebeing.com
• International End-of-Life Doula Association: Online Doula Directory (searchable by location)

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This episode offers a rare, gentle window into the wisdom that contemplating mortality can bring to our daily lives, along with practical advice for anyone curious about death doulas or seeking more meaningful goodbyes.

Transcript

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[Elise Hu]

Foreign.

[Dori Shafrier]

Hello and welcome to Forever 35, a podcast about the things we do to take care of ourselves. I'm Dory Shafrier.

[Elise Hu]

And I'm Elise Hu. And we're just two friends who like to talk a lot about serums.

[Dori Shafrier]

And today we have Emilia Sharenza, who is a death doula and she's just had a really fascinating life and it was really cool to talk to her.

[Amelia Sharenza]

Right.

[Elise Hu]

She didn't start off as a death doula as many people don't seek it as a career since it's kind of become in vogue only within the last, I don't know, decade or so. But what a lovely conversation we had with her. And you'll get to hear it in a little bit.

[Dori Shafrier]

Yeah. So Elise, what's going on?

[Elise Hu]

We have a couple things to mention.

[Amelia Sharenza]

Right.

[Elise Hu]

We have some housekeeping things. The live casual chat which we're doing on our Patreon is coming up this week. It is, is on Wednesday on our Patreon page at noon Pacific and 3pm Eastern. So Patreon subscribers join us there. And it's a lovely lively time in which we can kind of chat and y' all can chat with us at the same time.

[Dori Shafrier]

And if you are a Patreon subscriber and you can't make it, we record it and you can watch it or listen to it later.

[Elise Hu]

Yeah. And so otherwise we're in full, you know, summer season. I am doing a lot of just like Trying to catch up while the kids are at camps and things like that. I am guesting on a few podcasts. I did this nightly podcast recently in which it was like a good night sleepy time podcast.

[Dori Shafrier]

Ooh, that's fun.

[Elise Hu]

To which Rob said, I I don't know if you're the right energy for a sleepy time podcast, but they gave me very specific instructions about the vibe they were looking for. They want kind of, you know, like college radio overnight. College radio vibe is how they described it.

[Dori Shafrier]

Oh, interesting. Okay. Yeah.

[Elise Hu]

And it was very lovely. It's for this show that the Hatch Nightlight puts out.

[Amelia Sharenza]

Uh huh.

[Elise Hu]

So you know the hat we've talked about alarm clocks and Hatch makes these alarm clocks that you wake up with. But then they also have a bunch of audio programming to go with their devices. And so they have this show called the Nightly where it's just a conversation. You should fall asleep to great successes. If they don't remember the back half.

[Dori Shafrier]

That's so funny.

[Elise Hu]

And so I've done that and then I'm working on this limited series that's like this podcast companion to an upcoming PBS docu series. And so I just did the first couple of episodes yesterday and it went really well, it went really swimmingly. And I'm learning all about kind of science because the correspondent or the host of that is this longtime NOVA correspondent. So he. We talk about solutions to climate change that need to happen at scale. Like beavers. One of them is the power of beavers to build dams to help deal with drought conditions. Because when they dam water ways, it creates bigger pools and ponds so that, so that, you know, the land becomes more lush and overgrazed areas have more grass for cattle and la la la. So I'm just learning a lot. I'm doing, I guess I, I suppose I'm doing some summer projects like that. What about you? What's happening?

[Dori Shafrier]

Cool. I don't have any summer project.

[Elise Hu]

You have your big book project. That's legit.

[Dori Shafrier]

I know, I know. But I could use some other summer projects. So you know, if you, if you can't do any of them, send them my way.

[Amelia Sharenza]

Yes, yes.

[Dori Shafrier]

I am going into retirement from being a tennis captain and I was like, my decision to do so has been reinforced over the last couple days because I've just had like the most annoying back and forths with like about like logistics and oh, rescheduling and all this stuff. And I'm like, this is taking up way too much of my time and mental energy and these people are so annoying. And I'm just, like, done. You know what I mean? Like, I'm like, I don't need to do this. Like, no. So I'm glad that I've made that decision and any sort of, like, well, maybe I could just keep. I'm like, no. Mm. Mm. It's just not worth it to me.

[Amelia Sharenza]

Sounds like it.

[Elise Hu]

Yeah. Not anymore. I mean, it sounds like it really served its purpose. You got a lot out of being a tennis captain the last couple of

[Dori Shafrier]

years, but it served its purpose. I. But I'm feeling, like, burnt out on. Yeah. Captaining.

[Elise Hu]

Yeah.

[Dori Shafrier]

So good.

[Elise Hu]

Well, thanks for doing it for all the time that you did. I know that your teammates are very appreciative, so some of them are.

[Dori Shafrier]

I feel like some of them. It's like they. I don't know. I think for here. I'll put it this way. For people who have been on other teams and had, like, bad captains, I feel very appreciated by those people.

[Elise Hu]

Okay. Yeah.

[Dori Shafrier]

For people who have never been on any other team, they just think that, like, this is how all captains are. And I have to tell you, this is not how all captains are. And, like, you don't know how good you've had it. So enjoy.

[Elise Hu]

Yes. Have fun with your next one. And we are taping before the episode goes out, of course, but I have no Abe updates.

[Dori Shafrier]

Oh, no.

[Elise Hu]

And so I am guessing he. I was talking to my Jungian analyst. You know, I have my Jungian dream analyst, and he was like, a cat doesn't really get lost. Like, he's an animal. He has kind of an instinct. He has a nature they don't get. Animals don't get lost lost in the same way that humans get lost, you know, because they are so primal and instinctual, and they just. Abe always knew how to find his way home previously, you know, so it's

[Dori Shafrier]

not like she's lost.

[Elise Hu]

So I'm thinking he might have been stolen or. Or another family. You know what I mean? Because I. It doesn't seem credulous.

[Dori Shafrier]

Doesn't make sense. Yeah.

[Elise Hu]

That he there. I suppose there's the possibility that he was attacked by a coyote, but the other animals, small animals that have been victims of the neighborhood, coyotes have been found, like, their bodies. Parts of their bodies have been found,

[Dori Shafrier]

and there's no trace of him.

[Elise Hu]

Yeah. Yeah. So it's just very bizarre. And I. I hate that we have to live with the mystery, but that's how we're. That's how we're having to cope right now. And I'M gonna have the girls. We should do some sort of ritual because Abe is a member of our family. And so. And a really key one. He's been with us since before COVID So he was. Been with us through, you know, a lot of the girls growing up and during that really difficult time that we were that crucible that we were all in called Covid. So I'm gonna have the girls, maybe we're all gonna have to sit around and do a circle time and memorialize Abe and light a candle for him or something, because I do think he's out there, and I do think he's alive. I, like, feel that strong sense, too. But he hasn't come home, so we're just gonna have to be in the mystery.

[Dori Shafrier]

The not knowing is, like.

[Elise Hu]

It's really tough.

[Dori Shafrier]

Really tough.

[Elise Hu]

I'm glad I had that session with my Jungian, though. Like, it really helped me, I thought. And it really sort of settled a lot of my nerves. And he's like, you know, the tough part of being human and the human experience is that we have to live in these polarities of knowing and not knowing a lot in this liminal place. And, like, you just gotta.

[Dori Shafrier]

Yeah.

[Elise Hu]

Find some peace there and, like, sit in it. So I'm trying.

[Dori Shafrier]

Well, I hope that even if you don't find answers, you find some closure.

[Elise Hu]

Yeah. Yeah. Thank you.

[Dori Shafrier]

Thank you. Well, let's introduce our guest.

[Elise Hu]

All right.

[Dori Shafrier]

Amelia has had a true renaissance career. It has spanned radio, NCAA Division 1 coaching, technology development, and aerospace. And now she spends her time as a coach and advisor, podcast host, death doula, kinesiologist, and cottage baker. She believes in the power of humanity and the ability of stories to strengthen bonds. And she aims to share personal stories so her readers can find tangible connections to their own. And her new podcast, Cultivate Being, is a Tribeca Festival 2026 official selection. I've wanted to talk to a death doula for a long time, so it's pretty, pretty interesting. Before we get to Amelia, just a reminder that you can call or text us at 781-591-0390 and email us at forever35podcastmail.com you can visit our website forever35podcast.com for links to everything we mention on the show. We are on Instagram @forever35 podcast. Our Patreon is at patreon.com forever35 and we have multiple tiers with lots of fun benefits. And we do have our live casual chat coming up this Wednesday, as Elise mentioned, at 12pm Pacific 3pm Eastern. So if you are a Patreon supporter at any paid level, you get access to that and you can shop our favorite products@shamay us. Slash forever35 and we're going to take a short break and we'll be right back.

[Elise Hu]

We'll be right back.

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[Amelia Sharenza]

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[Dori Shafrier]

Amelia, welcome to Forever35. We are so delighted to have you here on the show.

[Amelia Sharenza]

Thank you so much. I am very excited to be here with you today. So I appreciate the warm welcome.

[Dori Shafrier]

Yeah, we start off all of our conversations with our guests with the same question, which is what is something you're doing right now for self care?

[Amelia Sharenza]

Ah, yes, it's really a series of things that I'm doing and I'll share with you a little bit. I'll give you a window into my morning. So I start off with a cup of hot water with French fresh ginger and fresh lemon. And then what I proceed to do is play with my dog, my dog Louie. And, and it's, you know, getting on the floor with him and whether it's doing drills or tricks with him or snuggling, having that presence of play and connection with him. And then, you know, it also gives me the eye contact, it gives me that oxytocin release. I'm very passionate about movement. So I do a series of like meditative movements. So take some, you know, whether it's 12 minutes to 20 minutes of some breath work and meditation with movement, which is really my own kind of combination of things I've learned having been in physical therapy and having been an athlete and just taking that time to warm up my body.

[Elise Hu]

Are there any sort of MVP moves? Just because you are a former athlete and a former coach and we'll get into that more in a bit. But are there any MVP moves that you do, like, in a hotel room that you feel like, okay, this is when I wake up and I'm traveling and I'm creaky. These are the two or three moves or stretches that should be done.

[Amelia Sharenza]

Yes, absolutely. I would say that I have. I have personally curated these. One is bird dog. If you've ever heard of bird dog, you know, there's nothing like putting a hotel towel on the floor and you're in a cramped space, but if you can find enough room, and it's where it's really working on checking into stabilizing your core. And you stabilize your core with a flat back, and then you stretch one leg out and then the opposite arm. So if you stretch your left leg out, you stretch your right arm out and you hold. But you, of course, have to make sure that you've got that structure and hold of your core. And then you. And then you alternate. And I typically do that a few times on each side so that I would. I would say that's one of my MVP moves that I'm happy to share. Share with you and with folks.

[Elise Hu]

I don't like doing that at all. I'm always like, oh, wow, I'm unstable. Thank you for sharing that. And part of the reason I asked is because you have some expertise. Your career has really spanned all sorts of spheres. Can you tell us and the listeners how you went from athlete and college coach to then working at Boeing and then to now becoming obsessed with death?

[Amelia Sharenza]

The thing I think I distill it down is I'm a person who is willing to take risk. I consider myself a risk, a thoughtful risk taker. And I think that's kind of been a common thread through my experiences and the transitions and pivots that I've made. I think that's also combined with an openness. I consider myself a lifelong learner, and I want to be open to new experiences. And so I had an athletic career that I loved. I was a rower, so women's rowing. And I was very passionate about making boats go fast as an athlete. And I loved the sense of, you know, high performance combined with a sport that's very physics oriented and has a lot of different amazing elements to it. And obviously the sense of being on the water. And through various mentorships and passion for the sport, you know, became a coach, had the good fortune of, you know, becoming a coach coach for a couple different colleges and universities. And I loved developing athletes, student athletes, and so I did that and then, you know, it really was different. Risk taking and just noticing what was happening with me at a certain point in time. Was there an opportunity that came across my doorstep and being willing to say yes? And that's kind of how I ended up transitioning more into business. I had been living in San Diego, California, Gorgeous spot. And an opportunity that took me across the country to the Washington D.C. area to jump into aerospace. And at the time I started that because I really thought it was going to be an 18 month contract. And that turned into a near 15 year career with a variety of experiences across all different types of technology domains and, you know, getting to work, human space flight and satellites and world traveling. My life completely shifted with the ground collapsing when my mother became suddenly sick and died eight weeks later. And then four months later, my best friend died. And during that time my dad was dying and it just was a shifting of land beneath me and ground beneath me that I think pushed me and rocked me and really took me in a new direction. And that's a bit of what I talk about in Cultivate Being. And the podcast is listening to some of the cravings and the needs that I felt were forming inside of me, around. I want to understand this more. I want to share these experiences with people and I want to look at what a new narrative of death was. It was just this deep, deep sense of craving, of connectedness to humanity. It's very different from informed by my prior experiences, but very different from those experiences. So a very long winded way of answering your question.

[Dori Shafrier]

Can I just jump in and ask what was your experience of death or sort of your, I don't know, impression of death before all of this death happened around you? Like, how did that change?

[Amelia Sharenza]

It became intimate. It became almost just part of my being. And I say that because I think about if you had asked me that question several years ago, what would my answer have been? And I think it would have been as informed as I could have been. A whole new sight line opened up for me around that type of intimacy and what that emotional space that opens up in terms of honoring who I am in those moments and seeing all the idiosyncrasies and the details and the specificity of it. Yeah, I think I would say, you know, I wasn't ignoring death, but I certainly wasn't carrying it as something present in my daily life. And that's shifted.

[Elise Hu]

Yeah. So that's the next question, which is how do you feel like you have shifted the most or in what areas. Has your outlook really changed given your experiences with loss one, but also given your exploration and obsession and now your focus on death as a death doula?

[Amelia Sharenza]

I would say that it, it's present for me always in that, you know, I think I'm somebody that could say through the transitions of my life, I'm someone who walks and understands, practicing gratitude and understanding presence and those kinds of things. Now though, it is as if I'm operating on a completely different frequency. So all of those things are expanded and, you know, brighter and sharper. And so I really carry it differently in the sense that I think about my mortality, I think about my death and I contemplate it and obviously and I help others to do that. I'm passionate about helping others do that as well. Not from a distance though, and thinking about it with every little element or thing that I do. I think it's one thing to say, oh, well, I think about my mortality. It's another to say, well, I think about my mortality because like right in this moment I'm thinking about how does my body feel and what would my body feel once it goes into like an active transitioning phase and I wonder what that looks like.

[Elise Hu]

What exactly does a death doula do?

[Amelia Sharenza]

A death doula does a variety of things. A death doula serves in the capacity for a person who is dying and or contemplating their mortality. A death doula can also serve in the capacity of support to those surrounding a person who may be contemplating their mortality or their death. And different terms that can be associated with it are around advocacy, you know, serving as an advocate to help understand what resources are available, how to integrate information that might be coming in from the medical community or physicians or social work information and resources. It's someone who can journey alongside a person as they are dying and as they contemplate or think about their death or, you know, even how they want to die. This is a resource, a person who can be there as a, as a guide, as a journey person, as someone to be alongside and help honor someone and bring to the forefront what that person's needs, wants, desires, might be. And it could happen so much earlier. And so I got really passionate about the concept of serving and helping people who, you know, maybe they've received a diagnosis and they're not sure how to take that information in or all the, you know, information about treatment and care that they may get without maybe understanding there are other resources and that could be someone who is. Maybe it's not a life threatening disease, but it certainly changes their Life and it might change how they walk through their life and how they walk through their death. So it's. It's someone who can be there as that support.

[Elise Hu]

Is it a luxury to get one though? Right now, like practically, I see and hear such need for death doulas. In the same way, we want to have more support at the beginning of life with birth doulas. But how practically attainable is this?

[Amelia Sharenza]

I love that you asked that question because that's a huge challenge, particularly in our environment, in our society, I think where people mostly have, if they've heard of it or if they've seen,

[Elise Hu]

will

[Amelia Sharenza]

reside in hospice care. So sometimes hospice organizations will have someone who's trained as a doula on their staff. Typically what happens in those situations is the doula is, you know, it's really for the final stage of the active dying process. But your question gets at the heart of what I think is really important, which is accessibility. And it's true, it is not something that most insurances are. Insurance companies or insurance carriers are going to cover or provide. And so that's a big challenge. And different ways of overcoming those challenges are in what pockets are there donation available for people who want to have this service available for someone? And then a lot of it, you know, it has to be through private pay. But a lot of people may make choices about their care and their quality of life and what they're looking at by going an alternative route. You're absolutely right. I think there are some big hurdles around insurance just because of the system systems we have, particularly here in the

[Dori Shafrier]

US Is this something where the death doula works primarily with the person who is dying or that person's loved ones or a combination?

[Amelia Sharenza]

It can be a combination. Typically it's. That's something that is very well defined upfront, which is really important. And I believe that's very important. Just like anything, it's important to know, well, you know, who. Who or what are you absolutely serving?

[Dori Shafrier]

Right.

[Amelia Sharenza]

In most cases, Dori, you're right. It is the person who is, you know, facing their death or contemplating that. But it is important to know, like in what role, in what capacity. I'm someone who believes in the practice of, because I'm also a coach and advisor that I can curate something for a family member or family members, because there's so much that goes around a person and their. Their own personal journey towards death and dying.

[Dori Shafrier]

And is this something you do on zoom in person? Like kind of like practically speaking, like, how does this work practically?

[Amelia Sharenza]

Right. So I I. I believe in doing it in a variety of ways. Sometimes I like to think of it as, you know, everyday doula because, you know, every day we're dying. You know, your earlier question, Elise, about how does it show up for me? Because I think I'm really have done work to think about and be present with this concept of I can be living and I can be thriving and I am dying at the same time. And for me, that brings comfort in just contemplating for myself. And so the practicality of it is, you know, if I'm meeting with someone and they're trying to think through what are they're on the early side, what are my options? I don't know what outlets or questions that I can ask of, you know, whether it's a care facility or a medical facility or caretaking, if it's distilling, those kinds of things, those can be very much remote. I think a lot of people would think of that as doula work. But it can be doula work. Some of the work I do can be around visioning and guided meditations and that can bring a lot to the forefront. I love having the create creative aspects to it that can be done remotely. Then there's also a lot of it in person. Of course, I'm in South Dakota right now. I spend a lot of time also outside Washington D.C. and Virginia. And so, you know, depending on where people are and where they are with their journey, I always say, let's figure out what the solution can be. So a lot of times it can be a variety. It's just highly dependent on what's specifically going on for a person and where are they located and what's happening for them.

[Dori Shafrier]

So we're just going to take a short break and we will be right back.

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[Elise Hu]

member FDIC NMLS number 696891.

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[Elise Hu]

Equal housing lender. Well, now I want to just broaden it out and ask you what kind of insight you've gleaned or lessons you've learned about living after spending and being with people as they've died.

[Amelia Sharenza]

The first thing that comes to mind is the value in saying goodbye and the value in having that moment. And when I say saying goodbye, it doesn't need to be verbal, it can be something that is acknowledged in another way. But I think there's something really beautiful and critical about those moments of goodbye. Um, I'll give you, I'll give you an example. There was a gentleman who is nearing the end of his life and I was visiting him and you know, one of, one of the most beautiful moments was the moment where I said goodbye to him and he said goodbye to me. And I'm, I'm showing up as a practitioner and I also carry the emotion of that. And I, I think that as something I would name as I've learned that I've learned how beautiful and valuable that can be and how that can show up for others. I think a lot of times, because rightfully so, we have so many fears and complex emotions around goodbyes and death in particular, that those moments can be overshadowed or there can be a hesitation or a not knowing because there's so much unknown and fear that the taking a step of I'm going to take this to say goodbye, it's really powerful and I think it can bring a lot of, I've seen it bring a lot of comfort to, you know, a person and even family members who might be present. So after that, that's, that's one example of something that I've, I've learned. And then there's a whole host of other things. You know, you both so, so wonderfully talk about self care, but really that, the critical role of self care, self care, and how can that show up for the people that you're serving? And then how does it show up for me? You know, what do I need to make sure when I'm either going through an exercise with a person or getting prepared to go visit with someone or stepping into their space because it's a, it's not about me. It's about being very present for them and what they need in their space. And so that element of the self care aspect before, during and after Is. Is critical. And I've. I've learned that. I've really learned that.

[Dori Shafrier]

I want to talk about your podcast, please.

[Amelia Sharenza]

Thank you.

[Dori Shafrier]

Cultivate being. I loved the first episode I was telling you before we started recording. It was so moving and also just so well done. Tell us a little bit about how this podcast came about and what you are sort of trying to, you know, communicate to people with it.

[Amelia Sharenza]

Sure, absolutely. Thank you. Firstly, thank you so much for listening. I am absolutely thrilled to have this out there in the world for listeners, and I'm grateful for every set of ears or ear that I get for it. So Cultivate being. The concept of. Cultivate being of what I've worked to create is this ecosystem and the podcast in particular was born out of my own despair. It really was born out of the, you know, I talk about in the first episode, the impossibility of it all. And it was born out of the rawness and the realness of what I was feeling and not really being able to articulate what I was feeling. And it was this craving of knowing, being really convinced at a core place of myself that there's something here like this. I feel so alone, and I don't want other people to feel so alone. And I have this craving to have connectedness and be a part of humanity and share this with others because, by golly, this is. This is going to help me live a better life. Like, I believe that this is completely connected to how we can thrive and appreciating a new narrative of death. And so that's why that's how it was born. And then, you know, there's the practical aspects of it that had to come together. And I collaborate with the phenomenal Theo Balcombe, who does the audio production, and she's been just so wonderful as, you know, creating. As we create this podcast and bring it into form, it's just about providing lenses through the details of my own journey. And then also it being. I really wanted it to be welcoming people into my quest of saying, look, I. This is a mystery. Death is a mystery. And I think there's goodness to that. I think it's good that it's a mystery. I don't want to know, but I want to get really, really close and I want to try to understand and I want all these details and nuances and things that show up that were unexpected and unforeseen for me. I want to share that with other people and provide a perspective and hopefully bring perspective and imagination to others through

[Elise Hu]

that draw that link for us. About how an appreciation or deeper understanding of death can really lead to thriving.

[Amelia Sharenza]

It leads to thriving because there is a vast open. It's like a giant jar gets opened. From an emotional standpoint and from a navigating life standpoint to even just the details of thinking through, well, you know, am I going to take this trip or am I going to, you know, take this job or do this? It really helps think about, okay, how are we caring for each other? How are we caring for ourselves? How are we moving through the world? What are the decisions that. Every little decision that we make, how does that. How does that bring us closer to a brighter world and a brighter way of being? And when we can start to acknowledge and appreciate the fear and the despair and the things that are really uncomfortable and difficult and hard to face and hard to think through. If we start to peel those a bit and pick away at them and think and really take moments to consider, well, what are the other things showing up and what are those other things in my bucket of life? It sort of. It adds to the tapestry. It adds color to the tapestry.

[Elise Hu]

Is there anything that stands out to you or themes that have emerged from people at the end of their lives just before they've crossed over? Either it's regrets or gratitudes that they've had that could be, you know, helpful for us as we each. Every day we're living, we're one day

[Amelia Sharenza]

closer to dying, one day closer to dying. I don't say that. Say that lightly. You know, I mean, we. We have to.

[Elise Hu]

Oh, I'm very aware that I'm a decaying meat sack. Every morning I wake up, there's a new.

[Amelia Sharenza]

You got it. So there's a. Well, a new creek.

[Dori Shafrier]

Right?

[Amelia Sharenza]

Or a. It knew something. One thing that I learned in my training, and I think I've seen it with some people that I've worked with and talked to, is there's a. I think a natural reflection. It shows it differently for everyone. And that's a lot of what part of working in this space is. Is honoring that. That uniqueness, those unique qualities. I like to talk to people about the universality and the unique qualities of it, but some of those threads are reflection story. You mentioned regret. That can certainly show up for a lot of people, you know, wanting to make, you know, we see it and we hear it about, you know, making amends. I sort of put those in that thread that I hear and see around. Reflecting through life, through story, you know, highs and lows and distilling what's really, really Important, what's purposeful. I think that's, I'm, I'm excited about this, this next conversation that's going to come out in the podcast because I talked to a hospice nurse and that, that distilling, you know, people distilling and getting to a place of what they, what they really, really want and what they really, really need and being highly, highly in that moment and being able to know that and articulate that. I think those are, those are some of the threads.

[Dori Shafrier]

Before we wrap, I do just want to ask you another sort of practical question for people who might be contemplating, you know, accessing a death doula, which is how does one go about finding somebody and how do you know when you found the right person?

[Amelia Sharenza]

So what I the way I would love to help, help people and answer that is there, there are a number of different ways. I think the first step is knowing that it's a resource that is out there and available. So things like being here and talking to you is great because that helps make people aware. People can certainly find me through my website, cultivatebeing.com There are also organizations, so I am part of the International End of Life Doula association and those organizations and that organization in particular, it's wonderful because it's international. They have a directory. So anyone can go to the International End of Life Doula association website and go to the Doula directory. And you can search, you can search by name, you can search by location. So you can, you know, put in for the US you can put a state zip code, that kind of thing. And you can find and read about doulas who are registered there. Another route that is, is quite helpful is of course, just like anything in our lives and in our world is asking around. Yeah, you can pick up the phone and call the hospital, call the, you know, even try the local library. There are places in our communities that you could call and you can ask and get support for understanding where is this resource located and how could I get connected?

[Dori Shafrier]

Amelia, where can our listeners find you and find your podcast?

[Amelia Sharenza]

Well, Cultivate Being podcast is on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, so listeners can go to those search. Cultivate Being. The show will come up. I have my website, cultivate being one word. Com cultivatebeing.com folks can check out all the things that I'm doing and even get access to the podcast there.

[Elise Hu]

Fantastic. Amazing. Amelia, thank you for coming on. Thank you so much.

[Amelia Sharenza]

Thank you for having me. Loved talking with you.

[Dori Shafrier]

Okay.

[Elise Hu]

Thank you, Amelia.

[Dori Shafrier]

Yeah, thank you, Amelia. She's another One of those, like, calming presences. All right, well, getting into the intention zone, Elise, last week you said you were gonna get to do cardio.

[Elise Hu]

I've been trying. I've been trying because, you know, even though I do a lot, it's my Google health tracker or whatever is saying that it's only getting me up to 25% or then now I'm up to 47% on the week, so I have to do a lot more than I thought.

[Dori Shafrier]

Oh, wow, that's so interesting because I

[Elise Hu]

took that hour long trampoline class and I got 10% of what they want me to get for weekly cardio.

[Dori Shafrier]

Are you sure this is, like, calibrated correctly?

[Elise Hu]

And then I did, and then I ran two miles and it was enough. And it got me another 17%. I got 27% on the week. And so now I'm really having to.

[Dori Shafrier]

So how. How much cardio really, like, do you have to do, like, how many hours a week?

[Elise Hu]

Okay, well, I'm getting 10%. I got up to 30% after about an hour and 45 minutes. So is it just.

[Dori Shafrier]

So it's time, but it's. Your heart rate is at a certain threshold.

[Elise Hu]

Yeah, it's not just duration. So it's duration and then, yeah, heart rate thresholds. And so. And my resting heart rate is quite low. It's like in the low 50s on average. And so I think just to get me up into the. When I'm sleeping, I'm functionally dead. I'm like in the 40s, so.

[Dori Shafrier]

But that's good. That means that you're like that. That means that you're in good shape if you have a low resting heart rate, doesn't it?

[Elise Hu]

Yeah, they said that back about. They said that back then when we learned about Lance Armstrong and he was cool, you know, they were like, oh, his resting heart rate is in the 30s or something like that. I don't. I don't know, I guess, but it's. I'm not doing enough cardio, clearly. So still working on that. But my intention for this week is actually going to be kind of the opposite, which is to sleep max or to try sleep maxing. I'm sleeping so much more because I get an hour more each day due to not having zero hour. So now I'm just like, I'm going for the nine and a half hours. Let's go for the nine and a half hours each night. Let's see if we can do it.

[Dori Shafrier]

Oh, my gosh.

[Elise Hu]

That'll be my intention. What about you? Let's revisit.

[Dori Shafrier]

Yeah. My intention was to get into a good writing groove and I feel like I'm in a good writing groove. And then I do have some travel coming up. So, you know, getting ready for travel is always like a little bit stressful. But so I'm trying to just like, stay calm, stay chill, remind myself that I am going to, like, major metropolitan areas. If I forget something, it's not the end of the world.

[Advertiser]

Yeah.

[Dori Shafrier]

So, yeah, one time, I think it was one time we went to San Diego or we went to like, Carlsbad, which is close to San Diego, and I forgot to pack shirts. Like, I had no shirts with me, but I was like, oh, we are like, we're in a, like, we're in a densely populated area. I can just go to Target and get some shirts. Like, it was, it was annoying, but it wasn't like the end of the world. So trying to just like keep that in perspective. Stay Zen.

[Advertiser]

Yes.

[Dori Shafrier]

And not stress too much about, like, Henry and, you know, it's tough. But I will, I will persevere.

[Elise Hu]

We're intending it. We're intending.

[Dori Shafrier]

We're intending it, we're manifesting it. We're putting it out into the universe. Thanks everyone for listening. Forever 35 is hosted and produced by me, Dori Shafrier and Elise Hu and produced and edited by Sam Junio. Sammy Reed is our project manager and our network partner is Acast. Thanks, everybody.

[Elise Hu]

Talk to you next time.

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[Amelia Sharenza]

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