Forever35 Podcast Episode 339: Wholehearted Friendship with Anna Goldfarb
Release Date: February 10, 2025
Hosts: Doree Shafrir & Elise Hu
Introduction to Friendship Month
In Episode 339, titled "Wholehearted Friendship with Anna Goldfarb," hosts Doree Shafrir and Elise Hu dive deep into the complexities of maintaining and nurturing friendships in modern times. Kicking off their four-week Friendship Month series, the episode sets the stage for an exploration of how friendships evolve, the challenges faced in sustaining them, and actionable strategies to cultivate meaningful connections.
Understanding the Friendship Dip
Elise Hu introduces the concept of the "friendship dip," citing Anne Helen Peterson's research. She explains that as individuals enter their 30s and 40s, career pressures and family commitments often lead to a decline in non-romantic, platonic relationships. This dip highlights the struggle to balance various aspects of life while maintaining meaningful friendships.
"Friendships are such an important ingredient for making our lives feel whole."
— Elise Hu [04:46]
Doree Shafrir shares her personal experience, noting that her friendship dip was delayed due to her living situation in New York and the presence of friends without children. However, motherhood eventually shifted her priorities, making it challenging to maintain the same level of social interaction.
"When I had a kid... I was not ready for that."
— Doree Shafrir [06:04]
Guest Profile: Anna Goldfarb
The episode features Anna Goldfarb, a renowned journalist, author, and friendship expert. Anna's book, "Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections," serves as a cornerstone for the discussion. Her expertise lies in understanding the fundamental mechanics of friendship through empathy and extensive research.
Modern vs. Traditional Friendships
Anna Goldfarb highlights the stark differences between modern friendships and those of previous generations. She emphasizes the increased fluidity and number of connections today, attributing feelings of loneliness to the lack of cohesive social groups reminiscent of smaller, community-focused eras.
"There's so much flexibility on who we can befriend, but it's also never been easier to shed friendships."
— Anna Goldfarb [10:25]
She clarifies that modern friendships aren't necessarily less intimate but come with higher expectations, requiring a deeper understanding of each other's lives and roles.
"We expect so much more from our friends... our problems are a lot more complex than when we were younger."
— Anna Goldfarb [12:23]
The Pool Metaphor: Tiers of Friendship
Anna introduces her "pool metaphor," categorizing friendships into distinct tiers to illustrate their fluid nature:
-
Bathtub Friends: The most intimate connections, typically limited to one or two individuals. For men, this is often a significant other, while women might include a best friend alongside their partner.
-
Jacuzzi Friends: A slightly broader circle of three to five close friends who serve as a support group. These are the friends you count on for significant emotional and practical support.
-
Swimming Pool Friends: Casual friendships with 10 to 15 people, suitable for social activities like double dates or light-hearted interactions.
-
Outer Rings: Expanding into larger social circles such as 50 people for events and up to 150 for major life events like weddings or funerals.
"Friendships are fluid and people dip in and out."
— Anna Goldfarb [27:03]
This metaphor helps listeners understand the varying depths and commitments within their social circles, facilitating better management of expectations and efforts.
Wholehearted Friendship: Desire, Diligence, Delight
Anna presents her core framework for cultivating "Wholehearted Friendship," which comprises three pillars:
-
Desire: The yearning to spend time with specific individuals, driven by clear and compelling "abouts" or reasons for the friendship. Without desire, friendships stagnate.
"Desire is gas in the car if your friendship is a car."
— Anna Goldfarb [38:02] -
Diligence: The consistent effort to maintain the friendship. This involves proactive communication, extending specific invitations, and ensuring that interactions are meaningful and aligned with both friends' interests.
"It's not enough to just say, 'Do you want to hang out.' You need more information."
— Anna Goldfarb [40:32] -
Delight: Ensuring that the friendship brings joy and mutual satisfaction. This includes being mindful of not overstepping into roles that can disrupt the peer equality intrinsic to friendships, such as unsolicited advice.
"Delight is about making sure that our words, actions, and thoughts align with the goal of wholehearted friendship."
— Anna Goldfarb [42:59]
Making New Friends in a Fluid Society
Navigating friendships in an era of hyper-mobility and diverse social opportunities requires intentionality. Anna advises focusing on mutual interests and genuine care rather than viewing friendships transactionally.
"Friendship requires us to be Ron Weasley, our goalposts are in the wrong place."
— Anna Goldfarb [43:17]
She emphasizes the importance of social identity support, which involves recognizing and supporting friends in their various life roles and identities. This deeper level of engagement fosters enduring and meaningful connections.
"Social identity support is about seeing your friend for all the roles they play in their life."
— Anna Goldfarb [46:10]
Ending Friendships with Honor
Anna discusses the delicate process of stepping back from friendships that no longer align. She recommends a gradual approach, such as declining invitations and reducing contact, unless there's a significant breach that necessitates direct confrontation.
"Friendships are fragile and it's normal for people to dip in and out."
— Anna Goldfarb [32:42]
By providing a structured framework, Anna hopes to demystify the process, making it less daunting and more respectful.
Personal Transformation Through Friendship Research
Anna shares how researching and writing her book profoundly impacted her personal relationships. By applying principles like positivity, consistency, and vulnerability, she successfully mended estranged family ties and strengthened existing friendships.
"These things are very simple, but they point you in a direction."
— Anna Goldfarb [48:18]
Her journey underscores the practical applicability of her research, offering listeners hope and actionable steps to enhance their own friendships.
Practical Takeaways and Advice
Anna Goldfarb offers actionable advice for listeners looking to foster wholehearted friendships:
-
Be Intentional: Reach out with clear reasons for connecting, which increases the likelihood of reciprocation.
"I find someone who seems really cool... I'd love to talk to you."
— Anna Goldfarb [43:17] -
Support Deeply: Engage in your friends' lives by understanding and supporting their personal and professional roles.
"I want to see what foods you grew up eating... I want to know you in a deeper way."
— Anna Goldfarb [46:10] -
Create Memories: Prioritize in-person interactions that build lasting memories, as virtual connections lack the same depth.
"Happy memories with our friends will power us well into the future."
— Anna Goldfarb [26:49] -
Embrace Fluidity: Accept that friendships evolve and some may fade naturally, making room for new, more aligned connections.
"Friendships are fluid and people dip in and out. There's nothing wrong."
— Anna Goldfarb [35:12]
Conclusion: Embracing Future Friendships
The episode wraps up with Anna expressing optimism about the future of friendships, emphasizing that best friendships are yet to come. Her framework aims to empower listeners to actively shape their social lives, fostering connections that are dedicated, committed, and joyous.
"Your best friendships are ahead of you."
— Anna Goldfarb [48:18]
Hosts Doree and Elise encourage listeners to apply these principles, enhancing their ability to form and sustain meaningful friendships in an ever-changing social landscape.
Notable Quotes Summary
- "Friendships are such an important ingredient for making our lives feel whole." — Elise Hu [04:46]
- "Desire is gas in the car if your friendship is a car." — Anna Goldfarb [38:02]
- "Friendships are fluid and people dip in and out. There's nothing wrong." — Anna Goldfarb [35:12]
- "Your best friendships are ahead of you." — Anna Goldfarb [48:18]
Final Thoughts
Episode 339 of Forever35 offers a comprehensive exploration of modern friendships through the lens of Anna Goldfarb's research and personal insights. By understanding the dynamics of desire, diligence, and delight, listeners are equipped with the tools to foster wholehearted friendships that enrich their lives.
For more insights and to engage with Friendship Month, listeners are encouraged to send their questions to forever35podcastmail.com or text 781-591-0390.
Note: Advertisements, intros, and outros have been omitted to focus solely on the episode's content.