Forever35, Episode 374: “So Our Parents Are Old” with Vanessa Grigoriadis

Hosts: Doree Shafrir & Elise Hu
Guest: Vanessa Grigoriadis
Date: October 20, 2025

Overview

This episode of Forever35 centers on the often-unspoken challenges of caring for aging parents—a topic at the heart of journalist Vanessa Grigoriadis’s new podcast, “So Your Parents Are Old.” Doree, Elise, and Vanessa candidly unpack the emotional, logistical, and financial hurdles of the “third shift” so many Gen Xers and older millennials face: raising children, working, and now managing a parent’s decline. The conversation offers equal doses of humor, insight, and practical advice while also acknowledging how isolating, taboo, and systemically unsupported this experience can be.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Sandwich Generation Reality

• 00:02:18 – 00:03:24: Doree and Elise set the stage: Many listeners are actively juggling children and parents showing signs of aging—from repeated questions to leaving the stove on.
• Elise: “It’s like you have children at home and your parents are kind of getting into that age where they’re asking the same question over and over again... Or potentially leaving the stove on. Or maybe not being able to live on their own anymore.” (02:19)

2. Vanessa’s Story and Podcast Inspiration

• 00:14:41 – 00:19:33:
  • Vanessa shares her personal situation (only child, father deceased, mother with severe health challenges and memory loss).
  • Describes her sense of duty as her mother’s “producer”—navigating medical, financial, and daily logistics.
  • She describes this as a “third shift” on top of kids and work—another full-time job.
  • Vanessa: “In your feeling of what’s most important... The third is taking care of your parents. It’s just another eight-hour day.” (19:21)

3. The Isolation and Taboo of Caregiving

• 00:22:45 – 00:25:00:
  • Vanessa laments the lack of open discussion about parental decline.
    • “There’s really nobody who’s talking about this. Like, it’s almost a taboo subject in some ways.” (22:45)
  • She compares it to infertility—intensely all-consuming, but hard to relate to (or talk about) unless you’re in it.

4. Emotional Realities & Impact on Relationships

• 00:25:00 – 00:27:48:
  • Talking—and laughing—with others in this position is a comfort, especially with guests who use humor (like Lewis Black).
  • She notes friendships may drift as some friends aren’t emotionally equipped to face decline.
    • “Family takes care of family. That’s just the truth.” (27:38)

5. The Logistics and Costs of Elder Care

• 00:31:49 – 00:36:43:
  • Vanessa details the prohibitive cost of assisted living and memory care, and the lack of Medicare coverage for these services.
    • “Medicare does not pay for any sort of assisted living... [Medicaid] only for nursing homes… In NY, 40 patients to one aide is what’s legally allowed in a Medicaid nursing home.” (31:49, 33:35)
  • Many middle-class families are forced to “bankrupt” a parent to access Medicaid facilities.
    • “You’re spending all the money that she has to move into one of these places… It’s demographically the problem of our age.” (35:13, 36:43)

6. Tips, Warnings, and Emotional Navigation

• 00:37:59 – 00:40:48:
  • Early warning signs: leaving the stove on, getting lost, spoiled food in the fridge.
  • Vanessa urges listeners: “If you think it might be your problem, it’s your problem.” (38:12)
  • Suggests trying for regular check-ins, even if scheduled.
  • Acknowledges the pain for those who don’t get along with their parents or are estranged.

7. Vanessa’s Journalism & Aging Out of “The Cut”

• 00:41:55 – 00:47:04:
  • She's interested in building media (like The Cut) for women in their 40s–50s and in covering the foibles of the “new” 1%.
  • On the shift in media and wealthy circles:
    • “You really need $20 million to be considered...high net worth, to really roll with that group.” (43:28)
    • Observes that the wealthy’s objects/homes/art have only become more expensive and morality more blurred.

8. Insights on Podcasting vs. Magazine Journalism

• 00:47:45 – 00:49:33:
  • Reflects that in podcasting, narrators must be “questing, curious, likable”—unlike the sharper narrators of classic magazine journalism.
  • “The problem in podcasting...everybody has to like you...in the audio-visual medium, you can’t be a writer who is really angry and really vituperative.” (49:20)

9. Book Recommendations and What’s Inspiring Vanessa

• 00:50:14 – 00:51:05:
  • Vanessa is immersed in memoirs and books about complicated parent relationships:
    • Jill Belofsky’s memoir (mother dying during COVID)
    • Amanda Uhl’s Destroy this House (about hoarder parents)
    • Prefers narratives about complicated mother-daughter relationships.

Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• On caregiving as “the third shift”:
  “The first shift is maybe your kids, the second is work...and then the third is like taking care of your parents. It’s just another eight hour a day.”
  — Vanessa Grigoriadis (19:21)

• On the cultural taboo:
  “It’s almost a taboo subject in some ways...I do now occasionally go to dinner with my friends and it’s like, whose parent is dying, my knees hurt, 401K...we’ve turned into such squares.”
  — Vanessa Grigoriadis (22:45)

• On the financial reality:
  “Medicare does not pay for any sort of assisted living. So retirement home, memory care…basically, you’re looking at bankrupting yourself.”
  — Vanessa Grigoriadis (31:49)

• On friendships and support:
  “Family takes care of family. That’s just the truth. When people get sick, that’s who actually calls and sticks around.”
  — Vanessa Grigoriadis (27:38)

• On advice:
  “If you think it might be your problem, it’s your problem…don’t just be annoyed…this could actually be signs of something worse.”
  — Vanessa Grigoriadis (38:12)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:02:18 — Setting up the theme: Caring for aging parents
• 00:14:41 — Vanessa introduction and background
• 00:17:02 — Self-care: “I do yoga...but I’m not a serum lover.”
• 00:18:23 — Inspiration for “So Your Parents Are Old” and discussion of her mother’s illness
• 00:22:45 — The “taboo” of caregiving conversations
• 00:25:00 — How caregiving reshapes friendships and loneliness
• 00:27:38 — “Family takes care of family”
• 00:31:49 — The costs and logistics of care facilities; Medicaid nuances
• 00:37:59 — Early warning signs and advice for listeners
• 00:41:55 — Vanessa’s media curiosity: “older women’s The Cut,” 1% coverage
• 00:47:45 — Differences between magazine writing and podcasting
• 00:50:14 — Vanessa’s recommended reading on family and aging

Further References

• Vanessa’s podcasts: “So Your Parents Are Old” and “Infamous”
• Book recs: Destroy this House by Amanda Uhl, Jill Belofsky’s memoir
• Vanessa’s articles: “Power Girls” (New York Magazine), Britney Spears (Rolling Stone)

Tone

Supportive, self-aware, honest, with a blend of humor and genuine emotional candor. Conversation is frank and occasionally dark, but never without hope or connection.

Summary Takeaway

This episode peels back the curtain on what it means to become the caretaker for parents—navigating bureaucracy, sibling dynamics, friendships, and finances, often with little societal guidance. Vanessa Grigoriadis brings her journalistic eye and personal experience, making space for those walking a similar path or about to embark on it—affirming, “You think things can’t get worse. Of course, they always can. And things can always get more chaotic.” (19:01)

A must-listen for anyone grappling with the sandwich generation squeeze, or simply craving honest conversation about aging, family, and how the real “self-care” sometimes means just getting through the day.