Mini-Ep 455: Something Sus

Summary

Forever35 – Mini-Episode 455: Something Sus

Release Date: August 6, 2025

In "Mini-Episode 455: Something Sus," co-host Elise Hu collaborates with guest Sam Hunio to deliver an intimate and heartfelt episode while Doree Shafrir takes a well-deserved summer break. This installment delves into personal health updates, exciting summer adventures, and profound listener feedback from their highly acclaimed Friendship Month mini app. True to Forever35's essence, the episode combines humor, self-awareness, and genuine conversation to explore the nuances of self-care and friendships.

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1. Special Episode Introduction

With Doree on hiatus, Elise welcomes producer Sam Hunio to the episode, setting the stage for a unique and personal conversation.

• [00:43] Doree Shafrir: "Much deserved. So we have something special for you. I got our producer Sami Hunio to join me."

2. Doree's Personal Health Journey

Doree opens up about a recent health scare, sharing her experience with a suspicious lump and upcoming biopsy, fostering a sense of vulnerability and community support.

• [03:59] Doree Shafrir: "They found a random lump, like, right behind my nip. And they ranked it as suspicious."

Sam empathetically shares his own experience, highlighting the importance of support among women facing similar health challenges.

• [05:05] Sam Hunio: "I felt a lump in my boob in, I think it was 2012 and everything was totally fine... they left a little titanium hook in there."

Doree emphasizes the strength and solidarity within the community of over 4 million American women survivors or those living with breast cancer.

• [06:12] Doree Shafrir: "It's kind of cool because then you can say that you have a titanium tit. Yeah, just kind of cool."

3. Summer Adventures and Self-Care

Sam recounts his exhilarating experience at WWE’s SummerSlam, providing listeners with an energetic glimpse into his personal interests.

• [07:06] Sam Hunio: "I went to SummerSlam, which is a big WWE event. It was two nights in a row. And oh my goodness, what a thrill."

Doree shares her passion for traditional wrestling styles, reminiscing about her time in Mexico City and the acrobatic prowess of luchadores.

• [08:14] Doree Shafrir: "We did that when we were in Mexico City and they put on just such a show."

The conversation seamlessly transitions into self-care, with both hosts recommending favorite beauty products and personal care routines.

• [11:28] Doree Shafrir: "I've switched to the Tower 28 Cream Blush, and I'm very happy with it."

4. Listener Feedback from Friendship Month

The heart of the episode revolves around heartfelt stories and feedback from listeners who participated in the Friendship Month mini app, praised as the most listened-to mini app of 2025.

a. Maintaining Balanced Friendships

A listener shares her experience with a friend who consistently initiates contact, alleviating the pressure of always being the one to reach out.

• [17:19] Listener 1: "I have a friend who always reaches out to me... she just reaches out during the week so you don't have to."

Doree and Elise discuss the importance of complementary friendship styles and mutual understanding.

• [20:15] Elise Hu: "This listener really highlights that both people need to be on board."

b. Navigating Friendships Amidst Life Changes

Another listener touches on supporting federal employees, emphasizing the importance of acknowledging and reaching out to friends navigating stressful occupations.

• [21:27] Listener 1: "If you have a friend or a family member that is a federal employee... reach out to them."

Doree reflects on the significance of appreciating and thanking those in demanding roles.

• [22:50] Doree Shafrir: "It’s so vital... Thank you all."

c. Addressing Criticism from Previous Episodes

The hosts address critical feedback regarding a prior episode featuring Anna Goldfarb, where listeners felt the advice lacked empathy towards child-free friends.

• [31:00] Listener 2: "Anna just presuppose that she was a struggling mother who was barely keeping it together."

Doree and Elise acknowledge the oversights and emphasize their commitment to understanding diverse friendship dynamics.

• [35:55] Doree Shafrir: "We understand the blind spot. We see it. Those of you who wrote in and called in are not alone."

d. Therapist Listener's Insights

A listener who is a therapist offers valuable advice on selecting the right therapist, covering aspects like fit, demographics, specialties, and affordability.

• [36:44] Listener 3: "Do you like them? Do you feel like you can open up to them? Do they feel safe?"

Doree promotes their sponsor BetterHelp, encouraging listeners to seek therapy and providing a discount code.

• [39:54] Doree Shafrir: "If you are interested in shopping around at Better Help, you can visit betterhelp.com/forever35 and they are offering 10% off your first month."

5. Product Recommendations and Sponsor Messages

Throughout the episode, the hosts intersperse personal product recommendations and sponsor messages, seamlessly integrating self-care tips with commercial content.

• Quince: Doree recommends Quince for versatile and affordable wardrobe essentials.

  • [14:30] Doree Shafrir: "I got these really great linen pants from Quince that I'm wearing all the time... check out quince.com/fore35 for free shipping."

• Shopify: Elise highlights Shopify’s benefits for small businesses.

  • [15:44] Elise Hu: "Shopify makes the marketing minefield easy with built-in tools..."

6. Closing Thoughts and Community Building

The episode wraps up with affirmations of community support and encouragement to maintain and cherish friendships, regardless of life’s changes.

• [26:44] Elise Hu: "This also made me think of some of the takeaways that we posted in the newsletter last week."

• [27:25] Elise Hu: "I'm so glad this person reached out. So kind of keep that in mind."

Doree and Elise reiterate the importance of reaching out and staying connected, fostering a sense of belonging among listeners.

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Notable Quotes

• [03:59] Doree Shafrir: "I have a lot of folks who have had breast cancer scares or breast cancer in their lives. It turns out it's a huge sisterhood."

• [07:06] Sam Hunio: "I went to SummerSlam, which is a big WWE event. It was two nights in a row. And oh my goodness, what a thrill."

• [31:00] Listener 2: "Anna just presuppose that she was a struggling mother who was barely keeping it together."

• [35:55] Doree Shafrir: "We understand the blind spot. We see it. Those of you who wrote in and called in are not alone."

• [36:44] Listener 3: "There are so many factors that go into it and I wish everybody great luck and really encourage everyone to do it."

Suggested Resources and Links

• Tower 28 Cream Blush: [Link or description]
• BetterHelp: betterhelp.com/forever35
• Quince: quince.com/fore35
• Shopify: shopify.com/fore35

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This mini-episode of Forever35 provides listeners with a blend of personal storytelling, community support, and practical advice on maintaining and nurturing friendships amidst life's evolving circumstances. Through honest dialogue and shared experiences, Elise Hu and Sam Hunio foster a warm and supportive environment, reinforcing the show's commitment to exploring self-care and meaningful relationships.

Transcript

[Elise Hu]

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[Dory]

This episode is sponsored by Gab. So when my kids head back to school, I don't want social media to distract them from learning or real life friendships. Which I know is a fear of a lot of parents. But with all the pickups, practices and mom I forgot this or that moments. They need a phone and honestly, I need some peace of mind that comes with knowing I can reach my oldest. But here's the thing. Teens are spending nine hours a day on screens outside of school. That's basically a full time job. And the US Surgeon General had warned that more than three hours online can double the risk of depression and anxiety in kids. It's a lot. The good news? Gab has solved some of this by doing something no one else is doing. Their tech in steps approach. It means safe phones and watches with no social media designed for every age. From GPS watches for little kids to phones with parent enabled apps for tweens and teens. Each device grows with your child. So you're not giving them a phone made for adults. You're giving them Gab, which keeps them connected but safely, especially during the school year. I can't recommend gab enough. Visit gab.com forever35 and use code forever35. That's 35 for a special back to school offer. That's gab g a b b hello and welcome to forever35, a podcast about the things we do to take care of ourselves. I am Elise Hu and Dory is on summer break this week on the east coast. Much deserved. So we have something special for you. I got our producer who y' all don't get to hear from enough Sam Hunio to join me.

[Sam Hunio]

I'm not Dory. It's me, Sami.

[Dory]

What's up Sami? Welcome, welcome. Thank you.

[Sam Hunio]

Thanks for having me. What's up? It's hot and I decided to still wear a hoodie today in some sort of fashion defiance. So I'm sweating so much, so much. And I won't take it off.

[Dory]

Such a subversive move of yours.

[Sam Hunio]

I know. Yeah, take that. How are you doing, Elise?

[Dory]

I'm good. And just so y' all know, just a programming note for listeners. This is a mini episode where we are going to hear from you and share your comments and thoughts and answer your questions to the best of our ability. The mini app we are going to share is actually the most listened to mini app of 2025 so far. Yes. And it is from March after we concluded friendship month in February. And so we heard from a lot of the listeners just about what your takeaways were, what you learned from it, what kind of like what you didn't like about it, all sorts of things. And so that ended up being a big listen to episode. So you still are going to hear dory later on in this episode. But just for this catch up part, there's a lot to catch up on. So I just wanted to give Sami a chance to pop in and pop to share. Share a little bit about their summer. And, you know, it's also a good sort of therapeutic day for me to sure. Me to podcast just a little bit because I have my biopsy soon.

[Sam Hunio]

Oh, gosh.

[Dory]

And as I shared, I think on one of the Monday episodes a week ago or more, they found a random lump, like, right behind my nip. And they. They ranked it as suspicious.

[Sam Hunio]

Oh, a suspicious.

[Dory]

Yeah, they actually have a ranking and it's like, there's like Birad's rankings and this one, Birad's sus.

[Sam Hunio]

You got a sus lump behind your nip. Yeah, I do remember editing that episode and just cracking up. Even though, you know, it's, you know, biopsies and lumps are a little spooky. But the fact that you called it, he's like, oh, there's a bump on my nip. I was like, okay, very cool. Taking it.

[Dory]

Well, I mean, we don't know what it is yet. So I've been trying to just keep it chill. But now today, because it's biopsy day, I'm like, okay, I should probably read the report from my mammogram because I never even checked my portal and I didn't like, know what the reports and what the mammogram. And then the following ultrasound even showed. And so it was only last night where I was like, oh, I got a sus ranking. That's not. That doesn't Feel great.

[Sam Hunio]

Yeah, that's not great. You know, I. I felt a lump in my, my boob in, I think it was 2012 and everything was totally fine. But the way that the doctor delivered the news that the lump was not a scary lump. She just left a message on my phone, which I felt was probably not in protocol. Like, she was like, everything's fine. We'll see you later. Bye. And like, up was like, I don't know if your level of chill is comforting or not, but yeah, they have. They left this like microscopic little titanium hook in there, so if anybody else stumbles upon it, they'll be like, oh, this one was already checked out.

[Dory]

Somebody told me. So I have a lot of. Now that I'm in my early 40s, I have a lot of folks who have had breast cancer scares or breast cancer in their lives. It turns out it's a huge sisterhood. It's something like 4 million American women are survivors or are living with breast cancer. So some of my friends were like, make sure to get that titanium marker so they leave a little titanium in you. Which is kind of cool because then you can say that you have a titanium tit. Yeah, just kind of cool.

[Sam Hunio]

Titanium.

[Dory]

Titanium tit or a titanium.

[Sam Hunio]

Yeah, we're all like one 64,000 robot.

[Dory]

Maybe they'll be nicer to us when they take over. But yeah, so that's, that's happening. And whenever I know something, obviously I will update the community. Thank you to the listeners who have called in and texted and left such nice notes.

[Sam Hunio]

Totally.

[Dory]

What about you? What about you, though, Sammy? What's been going on? What are you into this summer?

[Sam Hunio]

Well, I just got back from spending the weekend in Rutherford, New Jersey, because I went to SummerSlam, which is a big WWE event. It was two nights in a row. And oh my goodness, what a thrill. Like, I'm a little bit more scratchy throated today because I spent 48 hours screaming my head off.

[Dory]

Oh my gosh.

[Sam Hunio]

So.

[Dory]

So like there are actually wrestling matches happening, right? It's like the ultimate. It's like a massive tournament or something.

[Sam Hunio]

So it's not a tournament. There are two nights and there's. There were six matches per night. There are several tournaments within the. The WWE season, but they're just championship matches and then like regular matches. And then there's tables, ladders and chairs. That's a type of match which is nuts and crazy. So they dangled these championship belts above the ring. And then for this specific tables, ladders and chairs match, there were six tag Teams running up and scrambling and trying to get these tag team championship belts.

[Dory]

Oh, my gosh.

[Sam Hunio]

I mean, if you're not a wrestling fan and if you're ever wanting just a spike of adrenaline, just YouTube tables odors and cheers matches, and I don't think you'll be disappointed at all.

[Dory]

I told you that I'm really into going to see the luchadors and luchadoras in Mexico.

[Sam Hunio]

Super fun.

[Dory]

We did that when we were in Mexico City and they put on just such a show. And I feel like so many elements of WWE are borrowed from that tradition, but I don't know which way it is. I think it started in Latin America first. Right. And then some of the, like, showmanship that we saw in WWE followed. Or am I wrong?

[Sam Hunio]

Professional wrestling as we see it in WWE started as like a carnival act, but I do believe that luchadors and wrestling was also happening in Mexico and stuff.

[Dory]

Yeah.

[Sam Hunio]

And the difference between, like, Mexican wrestling and like the WWE wrestling is that luchador style wrestling is a lot more high flying and a lot more acrobatic. Like, we do get acrobatic stuff in professional wrestling, but it's ticked up a notch and there's a lot more jumping off the ropes and stuff in the store. And that's just. It's so fun. And it doesn't matter if the outcomes are written because TV shows are written, guys.

[Dory]

That's true. That's true. And it's. It's quality entertainment. Quality entertainment. All right, so Summer Slam was your big highlight so far.

[Sam Hunio]

Yeah.

[Dory]

Are you into anything that you want to recommend? You got any product recs that you've been devoted to or discovered?

[Sam Hunio]

Oh, my gosh. So I started really religiously washing my face recently because of how muggy and sweaty it is on the East Coast. I started getting adult acne.

[Dory]

Yeah. Which is right at the base of your hairline. Like right at the hairline.

[Sam Hunio]

And it was humiliating, I guess, because I've never had a bad skin brag, but I've really gotten into the. The face washing headbands. The ones with the bows on them.

[Dory]

Yeah. So cute.

[Sam Hunio]

So fun. I have two and I have like three in Vegas. It's the brightest joy of my days is putting on the headband and Washington.

[Dory]

That's great. That's great. You're taking care of yourself that way.

[Sam Hunio]

Have you unearthed anything that you've. You've liked?

[Dory]

This is embarrassing. I'm very into a Justin Bieber song now from his new album. Yes. There's a song called Daisy By Justin Bieber. That is kind of a bop. I kind of like it. Yeah. Like, I know, like I could see it. I'm just like, okay. I like the general vibe of this.

[Sam Hunio]

Yeah. Is the vibe. Does it, like, capture old Justin? Is it somewhere new?

[Dory]

He sounds a little younger. He sounds a little younger to me. I know that his life has been a bit troubled or just kind of up and down lately. And so this kind of evokes a Justin of yesteryear, I think, to me. I also got the new Gwyneth Paltrow biography. The unauthorized biography of Gwyneth Paltrow. That's out now.

[Sam Hunio]

Okay.

[Dory]

So I'm very excited about that. Not exactly a product, but super into it.

[Sam Hunio]

Is it? There's an audiobook too. Right. I'm getting that audiobook pushed hard. So I think everybody really wants us to hear the unauthorized biography of Gwyneth.

[Dory]

I love an unauthorized one.

[Sam Hunio]

So it's like this is. We're saying this behind Gwyneth's back, by the way.

[Dory]

That's right.

[Sam Hunio]

It's like, what, are you gonna get sued? Sued by goop? Put that on my tombstone.

[Dory]

And then my only other big product thing is cream blushes. I'm very into cream blushes and I've been very happy with the Tower 28, which I think I got introduced to by my 12 year old. The Tower 28 Cream Blush. It's very pigmented. I can't remember the actual shade of mine, but I'm loving that. And I don't think I'm gonna go back. I'm not gonna go to. I'm not gonna keep shopping for blushes. I was wearing the Saie one, I think, last year, and that one's also very good. But I've switched to the Tower 28 Cream Blush, and I'm very happy with it.

[Sam Hunio]

So regular blush is powder, right?

[Dory]

It was back in the day. Yes, it was. Now most blush is delivered as a creamy.

[Sam Hunio]

Okay. Is there a. Is there a benefit to powder versus cream that you've encountered?

[Dory]

I feel this is more moisturizing to me and also more glowy. I just think this is like an aesthetic change. Right. Like back in the 80s and 90s when Matte was more in. And now we're into glowy and dewy and hydrated and hydrated looking.

[Sam Hunio]

Okay.

[Dory]

So there was a real concern. I remember in the 90s when I was growing up where it was like, you don't want to look greasy or oily.

[Sam Hunio]

Yeah.

[Dory]

And now it's like, oh, yeah, man. Just put Put Vaseline straight on your face.

[Sam Hunio]

Yeah. What's that called? Yeah, just snail yourself. Yeah, snail. Have you slugged?

[Dory]

No, I'm not going to do that. That's made with petroleum byproduct. I mean, it's called petroleum jelly, for sure. Sure. Anyway, all right, so we have the mini app from March teed up for y'.

[Sam Hunio]

All.

[Dory]

But before we take a break and share that with you, if you want to reach us, our voicemail number is 7815-9103-9078-1591, 0390. Please call us or text us. And if you text us and want to leave a message, you can leave a traditional voicemail. But as Dory mentioned last week, you'll sound even crisper and better if you record a voice memo and attach that to your text or your email. And you can always email [e-mail] and if you don't want to leave your voice, we will just read your texts and emails. We're always happy to do that. And just a few reminders, we have our [e-mail] for links to everything we mentioned on the show. And you can follow us on Instagram @forever35podcast. We have a newsletter @forever35podcast comics newsletter. And you can shop our favorite products at shopmy us. Slash forever35. And finally, if you like these conversations where we're just chopping it up, just catching up, coming up with new names for Titanium markers for Boobs, then you can also join our [e-mail] Forever35, where Dori and I have casual chats on Fridays and pop culture chats and free lunch. Yeah, it's a good time. It's a good time. You can join us there. All right. Dory and I will be back after the break, and for now, we bid farewell to Sammy. Thanks, Sammy.

[Sam Hunio]

Thank you. Toodles.

[Dory]

Talk to y' all after the break. As summer winds down, I'm all about refreshing my wardrobe with staple pieces for the season ahead. And Quince nails it with luxe essentials that feel effortless and look polished, perfect for layering and mixing. The styles are so versatile, I'm often reaching for them again and again. I got these really great linen pants from Quint that I'm wearing all the time. I'm wearing those kind of as we transition from summer into fall, which is where we're at right now. So I totally recommend those. And if you're looking for a place to go get chic cashmere and cotton sweaters Starting at just $40, washable silk tops and just timeless styles you'll keep coming back to. Check out Quint. Everything with Quint is half the cost of similar brands. Working directly with top artisans and cutting out the middlemen, Quince gives you luxury without the markup. Elevate your fall wardrobe essentials with quince. Go to quince.comfore35 for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N c e.comforever35 to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quinn.comforever35 just because you own a small.

[Elise Hu]

Business does not mean it's a small undertaking. For us here at Forever 35, everything felt big, monumental, even down to the branding, the website, and especially when we decided to sell merch. The thing that helped me the most when all of these decisions began to feel daunting was knowing I had the right platform with all the tools I would need to be successful. Shopify Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e commerce in the US from household names like Mattel and Gymshark to brands just getting started. Tackle all the important tasks in one place from inventory to payments to analytics and more. Shopify makes the marketing minefield easy with built in tools for running social media and email campaigns so you can find new customers and keep them. And if you're looking to grow your business internationally, Shopify has global selling tools to help you in over 150 countries. If in person is more your thing, Shopify's award winning Point of Sale connects your online and offline sales all in one place. With 99.99% uptime and the best converting checkout on the planet, you'll never miss a sale again. Only with Shopify. Get all the big stuff for your small business right with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.comfore35 Go to shopify.comfore35 shopify.comfore35 all right, we are back and we got a bunch of feedback about Friendship Month so we're gonna play some of it.

[Listener 1]

Dora and E I wanted to share something that I implemented from Friendship Month so I have a friend who always reaches out to me. I never reach out to her. Not that I don't want to, just that life is nuts and she always suggests to do the thing that is easiest for me on dates and times that are Easiest for me, and which is to go on a walk during the workday when the kids aren't around, when, you know, I have a break at work. She said she lives a couple blocks from me. We walk to a coffee shop and talk and then walk home and talk. And she even goes so far as tries to reach out to me to schedule it during the week because she knows if she does it on the weekend, I'll say, yeah, let me write myself a sticky note to look at my work calendar when I log in on Monday. And she's like, oh, I'll just reach out to you during the week so you don't have to. So you can take that step out.

[Listener 2]

Of your to do list.

[Listener 1]

Anyway, so we went on a walk yesterday and I said to her, I know you always reach out to me and I do not reach out to you, but I want to let you know that that's not because I don't want to walk with you. Every time you text me about a walk, I get excited and I look forward to it. So please continue to do that and don't take my lack of initiation as a lack of interest. And she was like, I'm so glad you said that, because, you know, sometimes I wonder that. And it was just such a lovely conversation, like, connected like a ying and a yang. You know, I wouldn't have shared that with her had I not been listening to the friendship month and thinking about that unevenness. And Elise was saying, sometimes people, you connect into friend groups because you have the same style. And in this case, it's actually a good fit that she wants. She reaches out and I want her to reach out. So anyway, thank you guys for all you do. Bye.

[Listener 3]

Bye.

[Dory]

I love that.

[Elise Hu]

I love that.

[Dory]

I do. I actually, that's why I don't think I've ever really taken a tally of who reaches out, because I think I do have a lot of friends that just have a different kind of style than me. We have warm vibes towards each other. Other. But I usually reach out because they're the ones who are always down to do something but aren't proactive about making the plan to get together. I was actually thinking, I'm having breakfast with my really good friend Alec next week. And this friendship, he was like my first friend when I moved to la. And this friendship has sustained over now like seven or eight years. And we don't really have friends in common. We don't have work in common. We're just friends. And we get together regularly, but every once in A while.

[Sam Hunio]

He'll.

[Dory]

He'll have, like, season tickets to something, or he'll, like, be working on something and, like, send them over to me or ask me. Ask me for advice. And it's that kind of friendship. But he is never the one who's like, okay, let's get something on the schedule. But I don't think anything of it. You know, it's just like, that's the way. That's the way the cookie crumbles. And I'm so glad that our friendship exists.

[Elise Hu]

So I love this because I just think it highlights this idea that sometimes friendship styles succeed because they are complimentary. Yes. I think what. Just what is the key and this listener really highlights this, is that both people need to be on board. Like, I think where we saw some of the tension from people writing in was when they didn't want to always be the one making the plans and taking the initiative. They felt like the. The other friend should be doing that more. Whereas in this friendship, it seems like everyone is sort of, like, comfortable in their roles, you know?

[Listener 1]

Mm.

[Dory]

Yeah, I love it. All right, let's go on to the next one.

[Listener 1]

Hey, Dorney, this is, you know, that meme that was going around, I don't know, maybe a year ago, it was like, hey, if. You know. If you have a friend who has a toddler, check in on them. Well, this is your Washington, D.C. federal employee correspondent, and I am calling in to let your listeners know if they have a friend or a family member that is a federal employee or federal employee adjacent or a contractor to the federal government anywhere in this lovely dumpster fire nation, reach out to them.

[Dory]

So they need to.

[Listener 1]

It's a psychological warfare, and they could use a pack. Just thinking of you. Not even, how are you doing?

[Dory]

Question mark.

[Listener 1]

Putting something else on their plate.

[Dory]

Just thinking of you.

[Listener 1]

Feel free to respond with any info you might have, but if not, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you anyway. Yeah, man. Brutal. Okay, fine.

[Dory]

It's so vital. I was actually doing that at TSA because I've been traveling the last couple of weeks. Oh. I've been telling these because all these TSA folks, they're all federal employees, and they're not, like, paid that well, and it's kind of a thankless job in a lot of ways. And I just. I think of them because every time there's a government shutdown or nearly a government shutdown, which might happen again in the coming weeks, there's no TSA employees or there's talk that There won't, you know, federal air traffic is going to have to stop. And so I think of them and so as I get my ID checked and stuff, I'm like, thank, thank you all. You know, and I know it's rough times or whatever and. But we appreciate you. Just something small.

[Elise Hu]

But many of us, I love that.

[Dory]

It'S a huge federal workforce. It's like 2 million Americans, right. And so many of us have family members and friends who are federal employees and you know, all of us share are connected to one another, you know, like none of us is an island. And so I think this is a really great reminder.

[Elise Hu]

Okay, we got another question that I think you and I can tackle because I feel like you do a really good job of keeping in touch with your friends who don't live here. So I feel like you would be a good person to answer this.

[Dory]

Okay. Okay.

[Elise Hu]

Loving the friendship series. It is raising a lot of emotions for me. I'm missing friends who live far away. But now that many of us have young kids, traveling to be together feels so hard. I have a 15 month old, the youngest and the rest of the kids range in ages up to seven. So we have been in the new parent zone for many years now. Maybe it's harder in my head than reality, but we are sick all the time and I haven't had a lot of opportunities lately to get together with friends nearby, let alone far away. I know it gets better, the sick part at least. But it feels like these friendships are withering in the meantime. I just sent a message in the group text, but even that has not been very active since we aren't really present in each other's day to day lives and haven't been for a long time. Not sure if I have a question, just a lot of feelings. Maybe how to rescue a friend group when probably you can only get together once a year. Or would it be best to focus on individual friendships rather than the group? To cut down on the moving parts of four people in three states with five kids trying to triangulate a plan. Thinking of fond memories of my college best friend and I finding so many ways to spend time together. Even just sitting on a stoop together when we only had a few minutes in the same city. Wondering if I should just send this to her.

[Dory]

Yes, you should definitely send it to her. Always let folks that you love know that you love them. We really don't know how much time that we have to express our connections to one another. I think to the question about getting the whole Group together. It is really gnarly. It gets really hard to get like the friend group of the girls that you used to be in the same college dorm with all together again. I remember in my 20s we had so many wedding related get togethers. You know, there were like bachelorette weekends and things where a lot of girlfriends from various groups would get together because there was a milestone or something to gather around or then there were baby showers and all that. And now there's fewer milestones now that I'm in my early 40s and so it's really tough. You basically have to have one of those friends who is type A and hyper organized and can corral everybody and do the doodle poll and see which weekends are available. And if there isn't one of those leaders in the group, then it's very hard to get the whole group together. And so in that case, in some of my groups that don't have those, I have kind of just prioritized individual check ins. And usually around there's reasons that we reach out to one another even if we haven't talked for nine months. You know, it's like birthdays, for example. We check in on birthdays. And so I'm like pretty good about knowing when my friend's birthdays are and using that as a way to just check in or they're checking in with me on mine. The other is like just little stuff. If there's things that make you think of your friend, like little memes here or there. I was the other day, I don't remember what made me think of my friend Chris. I was in like a CVS aisle or something. I was like, I haven't talked to Chris in a while and I texted him and he responded by saying, oh my gosh, you know, I was just thinking about you and thinking about you and Rob like a few days ago. So. So we are on each other's minds and so sometimes we just have to make that explicit. So I love your feelings and I hope that you share them with the people that you love and the friends that are in that group.

[Elise Hu]

I love that.

[Dory]

And you'll pick up right where you left off. You'll pick up right where you left off. So it can go a long time. But for my friends who I haven't seen, like my Texas girls, like my Texas crew, I can go a long time without seeing them. But we are so tight and every time we're back together, it's just like we had been hanging out for a long stretch. You know, we Just pick right up.

[Elise Hu]

This also, this made me think of some of the takeaways that we posted in the newsletter last week. Like, you know, Raina Cohen said be willing to initiate and be willing to get rejected. People would rather play it safe, even if that means suffering the consequences of not getting closer to people. And I was like, yes. And Dr. Marissa Franco made a similar point where she said, like, our brains are glitchy.

[Dory]

Yeah.

[Elise Hu]

And so instead of thinking like, how will that friend see it if I reach out to them? You should ask yourself, how would I see it if they reached out to me?

[Dory]

Yeah.

[Elise Hu]

Like most of the time. Oh my God.

[Sam Hunio]

Yes.

[Elise Hu]

Thank you. I'm so glad this person reached out. So kind of keep that in mind. All right, we are going to take another short break and we will be right back. Lying down in your bed and feeling the comfort of your mattress is really a feeling unmatched by any other. Unless your mattress isn't comfortable. Well, Leesa has a lineup of beautifully crafted mattresses tailored to how you sleep without the luxury price tag. Each mattress is designed with specific sleep positions and feel preferences in mind. From night one, you'll feel the difference. Premium materials that deliver serious comfort and full body support no matter how you sleep. Leesa mattresses are meticulously designed and assembled, assembled right here in the US for exceptional quality. Plus they back it all up with free shipping, easy returns and a hundred night sleep trial. I picked out the kids mattress for my son because it is specifically made to support growing bodies with multiple layers of memory foam. And it's Green Guard certified. The first night he slept on it, he woke up in the morning and literally told us how comfortable it was. So I can't wait to get a Lisa for myself because it's been tested and awarded best hybrid mattress by New York Times. Wire cutter. You know I love a wire cutter rack. Plus it's exclusively featured by West Elm as their go to mattress partner. Go to leesa.com for 25 off a mattress plus get an extra 50 off with promo code forever exclusive for our listeners. That's L E S a.com promo code forever for 25% off a mattress plus an extra $50 off. Be sure to enter our show name after checkout so they know we sent you Lisa.com promo code forever.

[Listener 4]

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[Elise Hu]

All right, we are back on our last mini episode we had. Was it our last one or the one before I forget, we had Anna Goldfarb, one of our guests for friendship month, answer some listener questions that came in about friendship.

[Dory]

And y' all had very mixed reviews about. Very mixed reviews. Some of you really appreciated having somebody else in the advice chair and somebody who like was a researcher on friendship. And some of y' all really just miss us giving advice. Yeah.

[Elise Hu]

Yes. There we got quite a few responses that said that Anna's advice really missed the mark. And so, you know, we hear you, we honor that and just want to read some of this feedback or actually, you know what, let's hear some feedback first.

[Listener 2]

Hi Dori and Elise, this is Julie Miller and I love the podcast. I was calling in reference to the Anna Goldfarb episode. I listened to it today and rarely have I been so surprised by an answer from a Guinness. I'm calling about the, the 40th birthday question. I believe it was the on the show and I was just really caught off guard by Anna's answer to that. I felt like it was, gosh, it really caught me off guard. I feel like the friend who had the 40th birthday maybe could have expected her friends to do something for her, her big birthday. I mean, you know, just because you choose to have children doesn't like, you know, mean that you, you, you can't be there for your friends. And I feel like maybe the who was lacking in context. I believe they had been friends since the sixth grade. Maybe that was something that they had always talked about, you know, like in their 20s and 30s. Yeah, when we turn 40, we're going to throw huge parties for one another. And the friend with the child, and I believe she said she was also pregnant. Like we don't know what kind of support system she has. She, that she may have grandparents and a supportive husband who are ready to step in with child care. I think Anna just presuppose that she was a struggling mother who was barely keeping it together.

[Listener 1]

And the friend who was turning 40.

[Listener 2]

I think by the time we turned 40, you know, especially single women, child free women. Like we have been to so many weddings, so many baby showers, and I don't think it was wrong for that friend to want something in return. I mean, has Anna Goldbar never seen the Sex and the City episode Where has to go to the shower and take off her shoes. And Tatum o' Neill makes, you know, such disparaging remarks about, you know, she doesn't have children and all that. I just, it really, really caught me unaware. I am 52. I did not get married until I was 32. I am child free by choice. I have joined with another human. But you know, I have seen my friendship shift when my, my, my, my friends have had kids. But you know, my best friend got on a plane with two infants and still came to be maid of honor in my wedding.

[Dory]

So, you know, I just, I feel.

[Listener 2]

Like that friend really dropped the ball.

[Listener 1]

And I was surprised by Anna's advice.

[Listener 2]

But mainly I want to know if I'm alone in this. Did anybody else feel the same as me?

[Listener 3]

Anyway, keep up the great work.

[Listener 2]

Look forward to your show every week and thanks for listening. I know it got kind of long. Thanks.

[Dory]

Bye Bye.

[Elise Hu]

Not alone.

[Dory]

You're not alone.

[Elise Hu]

Alone.

[Dory]

In fact, we have an email that starts the same way, which I'll just read now because it pairs very well with your voicemail. It says, hello, I might be alone here, but I found Anna's advice to the woman whose pregnant friend wasn't able to be there for her to be quite cruel. The implication that single child free people have wants and people with kids have needs really upset me. Is it not possible to need time, love and affection if you don't have kids? I'm childless by choice and happily do everything I can to accommodate my friends kids and there are a lot of them, including nearly always being the one to travel to them despite not being able to drive and having all of the kids be invited to my birthday lunch so my friends with kids can come. I also had this at home so it was easy for them versus a restaurant and provided everything I could to make the place child friendly. But very often you are either dismissed with things like I can't believe I ever thought I experienced stress before children. You have no idea or fetishized like tell me about your dating life. I have to live through you. The later actually being a very painful and complicated issue as I'm on the asexual spectrum and struggle to date at all. But my friends just want a good story. Despite knowing this, I think women with children either have to accept some of the responsibility for navigating the change in friendships with their childless friends or just be honest that they aren't capable of having true friendships with people who aren't experiencing motherhood. It feels unfair that all the responsibility is on the childless friend, even if some of it absolutely is best. Yeah, great answer. Great response.

[Elise Hu]

Yep. Great feedback.

[Dory]

Yeah, no, I've really tried not to. I've been pretty deliberate about trying not to melt into my children's lives so that I can continue to show up for my friends. And it just does depend on the kind of support that you have, you know, that is possible. And I think that there were some assumptions in that question that. That or that answer that the pregnant friend didn't have the kinds of supports that might make it possible for her to show up more.

[Elise Hu]

Right, Totally.

[Dory]

So anyway, we understand the blind spot. We see it. Those of you who wrote in and called in are not alone. And I think if anything, it shows us that when we feel like we're the only ones in situations, we're often not. So please do speak up because it gives license for other people to do the same. And I'm not saying just about reaction to advice on a podcast call in show. Yes. I'm saying just in general.

[Elise Hu]

Totally.

[Dory]

All right.

[Elise Hu]

All right. We are going to end with a callback to another question that we raised. And we got a great voicemail about this.

[Dory]

Okay.

[Listener 3]

Hello, wonderful 35 hosts and listeners. I am a therapist and I have a therapist and I wanted to call.

[Dory]

In about that question.

[Listener 3]

Every therapist does not have a therapist. Many people don't for similar reasons why the general public doesn't, because of stigma, which is ironic because lots of people are therapists who still have internalized mental health stigma and a host of other access issues. With that said, there are lots of things to consider when you are looking for a therapist which would go into kind of the overall fit. So once you talk to them, which you should for, let's say, 15 minutes before committing, do you like them? Do you feel like you can open up to them? Do they feel safe? Do they feel confident? Does this feel like someone who you would be happy to share with and be vulnerable with? So that's one Then there are also demographic markers. Like if you want to have a therapist that shares your gender or your ethnicity or your sexual orientation or gender identity, those or even nationality, immigration status. There are so many factors that you might feel more understood if you share one of those demographic markers considerations. If you want therapy in person or online or hybrid. Lots of people are online and that is great for access, but in person sometimes is powerful in a different way. You might also think about specialties. Does this person specialize in the thing.

[Listener 1]

That you want to work on?

[Listener 3]

So lots of people work on Anxiety and depression. But there are also specialties in eating disorders or personality disorders, or grief or role transitions or transition to parenthood or a million other things. So people have specialties in those areas. There's also the therapeutic approach which might be behavioral, psychodynamic, humanistic, integrative or a host of others. And then availability is huge. So you might love somebody, but they might say I can only see you once a month when really you want to be seen weekly or bi weekly. So lots to consider and last but.

[Dory]

Not least, price is the biggest access.

[Listener 3]

Determination that I can think of. And even as a therapist myself, that is the thing that made the decision for me because I found free therapy and that was through a university counseling center. And I'm going to use that as long as I can. So there's so many factors that go into it and I wish everybody great luck and really encourage everyone to do it. It's so life changing and everyone deserves support. So sending love to all, especially my sister.

[Dory]

Oh lovely. That is such a helpful rubric or a heuristic to kind of go down.

[Elise Hu]

Yes, yes.

[Dory]

Good thing this episode is transcribed by a machine so that we can go back and look at that transcript. So you can go to our website forever35podcast.com and read the transcript of that because I think that was a really helpful list of things to consider when considering a therapist. And if you are looking for online therapy or open to online therapy, we do have a code at Better Help, one of our sponsors. So if you are interested in shopping around at Better Help, you can visit betterhelp.com forever35 and they are offering 10% off your first month. Month. Obviously there's lots of different routes you can take, of course, but BetterHelp does have that discount through us.

[Elise Hu]

All right, thanks everyone for listening. We appreciate you and we will talk to you soon.

[Dory]

Okay, bye bye bye.

[Elise Hu]

Right now, what's one thing you could do to change your life for the better? Well, for me, I love my masterclass subscription. I've been learning more about perimenopause and how the mind body connection can change symptoms and mood from the magic of menopause. And not to be dramatic, but it's kind of changed my life. With Masterclass you can learn from the best to become your best. Download classes and watch them offline, which is perfect for making the most of your time spent traveling this summer. With plans starting at $10 a month billed annually, you get unlimited access to over 200 classes taught by the world's best business leaders. Writers, chefs and more. With Masterclass, you get thousands of bite sized lessons across 13 categories that can fit into even the busiest of schedules. Eat more ethically, healthfully and sustainably with Michael Pollan, build habits that stick with atomic habits, author James Clear and take care of your gut, brain, skin and more with science based tips from leading experts. Three in four surveyed members feel inspired every time they watch Masterclass. And right now, Forever 35 listeners get an additional 15% off any annual [e-mail] Forever 35 that's 15% [e-mail] Forever 35 masterclass.com Forever 35.

[Listener 5]

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