Are You Pushing Your Kid or Managing Your Fear?

Summary

Good Inside with Dr. Becky — Episode Summary

Episode: Are You Pushing Your Kid or Managing Your Fear?
Date: June 30, 2026
Host: Dr. Becky Kennedy
Guest: Myleik Teele

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Episode Overview

This episode dives into the complex emotions parents experience when faced with the question: "If I don't push my child, are they wasting their potential?" Host Dr. Becky Kennedy and returning guest Myleik Teele take a candid look at their own upbringings, the intricate dance between supporting and pushing, and how to separate a parent’s baggage from their child’s true needs. The conversation explores effort, motivation, privilege, expectations, and the realities of parenting across racial lines—all with the aim of redefining what it means to guide kids toward their capabilities without projecting our own fears.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Trigger: Children Not Pushing Themselves

• Myleik’s Dilemma: Watching her child bring home a report card with straight A’s aside from one “low A,” Myleik struggles with whether to feel proud or concerned.
  • “Can I be proud or should I have a problem? Because I have been talking about this, and now this is exactly what I said was going to happen.”—Myleik (04:34)
• Dr. Becky’s Reflection: Both hosts discuss the discomfort of seeing a child with high ability but seemingly low effort, and the parental impulse to intervene.

2. Buckets of Reaction: Parent vs. Child

• Separating ‘My Stuff’ from Actual Concerns: Parents are encouraged to distinguish between their own history and expectations (the "parent bucket") and valid worries about their child’s effort or development ("child bucket").
  • “If we had buckets and one bucket is what part of my reaction is about me?...The other bucket is: what is a true concern about my son?”—Dr. Becky (10:44)
  • “I had to do so much on my own...I’m doing all of this for you and you don’t care.”—Myleik (10:57)
• Systems and Grit: Discussion on how parents who built their own systems (via grit and effort) want to give their children easier systems, but this may affect the child’s ability to develop grit.

3. Motivation: Discomfort as Drive

• Privilege vs. Drive: The hosts explore whether children without discomfort have less drive, questioning what motivates a child whose life is already “comfortable enough.”
  • “Where does motivation come from for a kid? If the fallback is, ‘Oh, I’d be happy to be here.’”—Dr. Becky (17:21)
• Effort vs. Ability: The distinction between early natural ability (“up and to the right”) and building the “effort muscle" over time.

4. When and How to Intervene

• Timing Matters: Advisement not to react immediately when triggered; instead, to first “journal or vent” to parse out one’s own issues before addressing the child.
  • “Because of how charged up I am about it...I need a minute to take myself out of the story...journal.”—Myleik (20:47)
• Clarifying Patterns: Before speaking to a child, determine if the issue is a recurring effort theme or a one-off trigger.

5. Concrete Strategies for Addressing Effort

• Valuing the Process: Reframing family conversations to focus on process and effort, not only on outcomes.
  • “I can see a day where I am so proud of you in a subject where you get a lower grade...because I watched you study, I watched you meet with the teacher...That was the biggest win all year.”—Dr. Becky (22:57)
• Modeling and Empathy: Sharing personal struggles with effort and modeling curiosity in the face of boring or difficult material—including inviting children into a supportive “club” about pushing through discomfort.
• Systemic Solutions: Adjusting routines to set children up for success (e.g., homework before screens), described as a support, not a punishment.

6. Racial Realities and Parental Pressure

• Added Pressure as a Black Parent: Myleik discusses the compounding pressure for her child to “do better than everyone else” because of racial biases.
  • “I want there to be no question that this person can...do it better than every single person here...I felt like that was the pressure for me.”—Myleik (32:52)
• Direct Conversations about Representation: Myleik chats openly with her child about being “the only one” in certain spaces, and helps her child process feelings of loneliness and difference.
  • “Do you notice that you are the only person who looks like you in these spaces?...How do you feel about that?”—Myleik (33:34)

7. The Power of Asking and Listening

• Shifting Out of the Parent’s ‘Bucket’ to Truly Hear the Child:
  • “Why don't I ever think of that [asking what’s going on]?...I'm just in my own bucket...not even thinking about my kid.”—Dr. Becky (24:54)
• Inviting Children’s Perspectives: Modeling how to respond empathetically when a child shares their feelings about difficult subjects, and collaborating on solutions.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Effort vs. Ability:
  “Early on, for kids, what can really shine is just pure ability...What ends up mattering a lot more is your effort, is your willingness to take on challenges, is your openness to feedback.”—Dr. Becky (07:43)

• On Journaling and Self-Reflection:
  “I need a minute to just, like, journal.”—Myleik (21:11)

• On Systemic Change:
  “My job is to set you up for success. When something is chronically hard, I don’t think that’s a you problem or a motivation problem; I first say to myself, is there a system problem?”—Dr. Becky (31:25)

• On Race and Representation:
  “We talk about race...I am wanting him to notice that...he’s the only person...in these spaces. I ask him how he feels about that...I get it and really just want to be with him with that.”—Myleik (33:34)

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Key Timestamps

• 00:58 – Myleik’s early motivation and comparison with her child’s attitude
• 02:50 – Myleik’s present-day parenting dilemma with effort and schoolwork
• 06:27 – Parsing out “best effort” and ability versus effort
• 10:44 – Dr. Becky introduces the ‘buckets’ for self vs. child’s concerns
• 14:47 – Myleik articulates specific worries about her child’s avoidance
• 15:37, 17:21 – Exploring motivation born of necessity vs. comfort
• 20:47 – Myleik on needing time and journaling before addressing her child
• 22:57 – Dr. Becky reframes success in terms of process, not grades
• 25:40 – The importance of simply asking children what they’re experiencing
• 28:47 – Modeling empathetic, collaborative conversations about effort
• 31:25 – Building supportive systems rather than focusing on punitive measures
• 32:16 – Racial realities and the double burden faced by children of color
• 33:34 – Direct conversation and validation about representation in academic spaces
• 35:19 – Myleik says what stood out most: clarifying her own and her child’s “buckets”
• 36:52 – Both hosts reframe the original question to focus on supporting effort, not simply “pushing potential”

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Actionable Takeaways and Closing Framework

• Clarify Your Triggers (“Buckets”): Before talking to your child, ask: Is this about me or about them?
• Pause & Reflect: Allow space for self-reflection (journaling, venting) before intervening.
• Ask, Don’t Assume: Open the door with simple, empathetic questions (“What do you think is going on?”).
• Model Effort: Verbally share your own experiences with effort and struggle.
• Redefine Success: Focus on praising effort, persistence, and learning from discomfort—not just outcomes.
• Acknowledge Systemic & Racial Contexts: Be honest and supportive about the extra challenges your child may face.
• Build Supportive Systems: Set up routines that set your child up for effort-driven success, not shortcuts.

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Reframed Core Question

• “Is it true that if I don’t push my kid, they’ll waste their potential?”
  • Amended:
    “If I don’t get out of my bucket to better understand where my kid is struggling with effort, they will not reach their potential.” — Myleik (36:52) “What is my kid’s relationship with effort and struggling? Do they need my help to develop more skills?” — Dr. Becky (37:08)

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Further Resources:
Dr. Becky mentions a forthcoming blog post with conversation starters for addressing effort with children, tailored for different ages. (Find link in episode show notes.)

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Tone Note:
Throughout, the conversation remains open, reflective, supportive, and pragmatic, modeling vulnerability and a growth-oriented approach for parents struggling with these questions.

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Transcript

[Dr. Becky]

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[Myleik]

my motivation was I wanted to not be where I was. So a lot of the things that I did, I had convinced myself that if I am the best at everything I do, I can change my situation. I can have something bigger, I can have more. I can do more things. Yeah. And he doesn't have that.

[Dr. Becky]

A couple years ago, one of my kids was playing a lot of baseball and started the season and came back and said to me, a couple kids in my team have gotten really good over the summer. I think I'm going to be moving down in the batting order. I panicked. If this was me at that age, what I would have said to my parents is something very different. Oh, my goodness, I'm not good at baseball anymore. I need to practice. I need to go to the gym. I even need, like, a lesson or I need you to spend time with me. I would have been livid. And in this moment, so much flashed in front of me. It also made me think about academic moments, thinking my kid could do better, do more with their talents. And what is my role if they're not pushing themselves? Or maybe is my kid not pushing themself because I have always pushed them and they kind of have lost that intrinsic motivation. What is my role around my kid's potential? Myleik is here again, and we're going to have another episode of Is it True. And what we're going to unpack today is this idea. If I don't push my kid, my kid is going to waste Their potential. Is it true? I'm Dr. Becky, and this is good inside. I'm so glad you're here. All right, Maileek, have you. Have you had that thought? If I don't push my kid, my kid is gonna waste their potential?

[Myleik]

Absolutely. I'm in the middle of a parent situation where my kid does very well in school. And every week the work comes home, and I am watching one subject kind of just go down further. And I'm just, what is my role here? I feel like we've tried. I've tried everything. I've talked to him. I've. We need the highlighters.

[Dr. Becky]

We need.

[Myleik]

You know, we're now at an age where you need to start reading the caption under the pictures, you know, and he does not seem to care. And I just wonder how much do I push him? Will he get it at some point? And my situation was that I was always really good in school, and no one pushed me. And so I wonder what would have happened if someone did. And so I'm trying to find, like, what is the dance that I do? I was highly competitive. I wanted to beat everybody. So I'm always looking at, you know, how everyone else is doing, and I'm wanting to be at the top of. I want to be in first. I want all the stars. I want my name at the top of the chalkboard. And just having a kid who's like, I mean, it's fine. This is not a big deal. Like, I'll get it or not. And this almost like school is not a measure of who I am. I know who I am. And they. This. Does this work? Doesn't measure that for me.

[Dr. Becky]

I think that's. That's exactly right. So you had a report card moment, the incident. So let's just zero in on that moment, whether it's perfectly representative of this topic or not. Let's just go there so we can really envision it.

[Myleik]

So the report card comes home, and it's straight A's. And there's one part of me that's, like, very proud. Very, like, yeah, Mom. And then. But there's the one. This one subject that I feel like I have been talking about, that is the lowest A. And I. Becky, I sat there, like, going back and forth like, can I be proud or should I have a problem? Because I have been talking about this, and now this is exactly what. What I said was going to happen. And this is. I mean, the next report card, it probably is not going to be an A. And I mean, I sat there For a while, until I hopped in the community and I'm like, someone talk me off the cliff because why will I always have an issue? Will this always be a problem for me of like, it doesn't matter what the grades are. In my mind, I want to believe I'm not that parent. In my mind, I want to believe that the report card comes home and I'm like, gave his greatest effort. This isn't. This isn't. This doesn't show who he is. I want. In my mind, I'm an evolved parent.

[Dr. Becky]

I love that parent. I don't know her, but she seems wonderful.

[Myleik]

She's just the report card. The report card comes and nothing phases her. She's like, this doesn't define who he is. I know my child, but there was something in me that's like, we gotta push. Yeah, we gotta push. You can do better than this. I know you can.

[Dr. Becky]

Well, you know, let me go down a little bit of rabbit hole that you went past. I know he's doing his best, but is that actually where the pivot point is? There's still everything it brings up in us and how we intervene. But true question. Were you sure he's doing his best or with that subject, are you like, I actually. No, like, I. I just don't think he's putting effort. Which one is it?

[Myleik]

I know he's not.

[Dr. Becky]

He's not.

[Myleik]

I know. I felt like I know he isn't because I know how well he reads. It's just. It's a situation where he's kind of like we've done ever since he started reading. He's like, this is how I think the story should go. And I'm like, they're not. This is. School is measuring. Do you understand what's being written? Not what is your. What you think should be written. So I know he knows what is happening, but just I feel like he's making the choice every time. But that's not what I want to do.

[Dr. Becky]

So if I just zoom out for a second because I think effort here, when we think about our kids potential, there's their natural abilities. Right. That they have. And you see a kid have certain temperament or be interested in certain topics and interests, and then there's effort. Right. And I think where a lot of us get triggered is when we see a kid with our kid with what we deem to be high ability or at least they're capable with low effort.

[Myleik]

Yes.

[Dr. Becky]

And I don't know about. For you, I think one of the reasons it triggers me is I think a lot. And I'm just going to talk about academically. I feel like you have to only be like, yay smart in terms of your ability to do well in life.

[Myleik]

Yeah.

[Dr. Becky]

And what ends up mattering a lot more is your effort, is your willingness to take on challenges, is your openness to feedback. Early on, for kids, what can really shine is just pure ability. We all see those kids like, wow, you're reading at age 3. You're naturally doing math. And those kids get a lot of feedback and they can build their identity. I'm such a smart kid. They build their identity. Oh, this kid's already reading in class. You know, those things happen and they hear it and they hear it. And I know for me, one of the things that can trigger me in these situations around potential are, oh, like something's happened where you're starting to rely on your ability.

[Myleik]

Yes.

[Dr. Becky]

And I know in life, those kids who are more pure effort, they're gonna. They are gonna pass you by your room like, yes. When did that happen?

[Myleik]

They are going to eat your. They're gonna. They're going to eat your lunch because you're just out here, la, la, la. I know I can do it. And the kid who's working harder, the kid who's maybe having to. Who's getting lower grades but is pushing themselves and is trying hard, and every week they're coming back to it. And you're just like, yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

[Dr. Becky]

And I think this is particularly true. And I know your son. Kids who have kind of some early abilities. Right. Every kid develops at different pace, but there are some kids like that. They are the kids. I sound funny. I quote, worry about same. The kids who are later readers and are able to stick with it. And I think about one of my kids who had all of these early speech issues, like major speech issues, and had to really work through things. And I'm like, that kid early in that child's body, the circuit of. I'm not figuring this out. I have to work and try extra and push and push. That is going to set that child up in such a different way than like the kids whose first five, six years are kind of up and to the right.

[Myleik]

Yes. That's. I feel the same way. I have another kid who I feel has a special relationship with failure, like, who's just used to not getting it right the first, second or third time. And I just feel like what that builds in you when you're like, okay, I didn't get it right this time. I'M going to try another way. I'm going to try again. And I'm like, I can see her going down the line of like not maybe getting the job the first time. You know, she goes for an interview, doesn't get it, she's going to work harder.

[Dr. Becky]

I mean, what she going to do after?

[Myleik]

You know, what will she do? Because she's used to hearing, no, that's not right, or you didn't get it. And I just, I'm like, I do worry. I worry about the kid who doesn't have enough experience with. Yeah.

[Dr. Becky]

And I do think that's underneath this. What's my role around my kids potential. So let's, let's kind of come back to that because the other thing I want to separate and maybe we can zoom in on the report card thing. Okay. So the report card moment comes. If we had buckets and one bucket is what part of my reaction is like about me? What is, what is my portion? Okay, okay. And we have to be ashamed of all of it. We're just bucketing it.

[Myleik]

Right, Right.

[Dr. Becky]

The other bucket is like, what is a true concern about something happening, my son? So let's start with you, right? What part of the reaction do you kind of know? It's just, it's my own story. It's my own.

[Myleik]

My own story is, honestly, I had to do so much on my own, and here it is. I'm setting you up. You're getting the best education. You've got access to everything. That's my stuff. Because, you know, I'm feeling like I'm doing all of this for you and you don't care, but that.

[Dr. Becky]

Let's stay there. Because you're saying, is this right? I didn't have an early family environment where I was maximizing the systems around me.

[Myleik]

I did not.

[Dr. Becky]

Do you feel like you had to create your own systems for success?

[Myleik]

Yes, I did. I did. And so I think when you say, okay, what's in the bucket of my stuff? It's like, here it is. You had this fabulous early education, you know, starting at like 11 months. Like, give me a break. You know what I mean? Like, I, I set you up.

[Dr. Becky]

Did you do the black and white cards when he was a baby? Okay, 11 months.

[Myleik]

Come on, I'm tummy time, honey.

[Dr. Becky]

You are.

[Myleik]

All the time.

[Dr. Becky]

You were tummy time, black and white carding, like, come on, come on.

[Myleik]

And then I, you know, I toured all of the schools. I got you into the, you know, they're speaking Spanish. You're all the Things. And here we are.

[Dr. Becky]

Yes.

[Myleik]

And you're just like, maybe I. Yeah, so that's my stuff. My stuff is like, I didn't have all of this, and you have all of this.

[Dr. Becky]

And. And. And I think there's also an intention there that matters. I'm giving this to you. And there is probably an assumption there. I don't think it's wrong. Like, I'm giving this to you because I think it's going to help you.

[Myleik]

Yes.

[Dr. Becky]

Right. Like, this is not like a favor. I think this is going to help you. This is going to help you have a type of early experience that I didn't have. And so it's going to look even better for you than it did for me.

[Myleik]

Completely. Right? Yes.

[Dr. Becky]

I think we have that. I don't know why I'm associating. I have that when I take my kids on vacations. I didn't get to go to a place like this. And so you're welcome. And you're gonna thank me and you're gonna say, oh, I'm so lucky to be in this family. And I don't need ice cream because I'm at this vacation mom. Like, you're. You know, and you're three, but you're gonna say all those things.

[Myleik]

Right. That's my stuff. You know, that's my bucket. Of all of the things that I've done to set you up for, you know, for you to just rock it out of here.

[Dr. Becky]

Yes.

[Myleik]

And.

[Dr. Becky]

Yep. That's right.

[Myleik]

Yeah.

[Dr. Becky]

And I think a little bit, too. I've never thought about this till this moment. Is maybe we think when we make. And I think this is powerful. We could talk about this in other ways, too. So many of us had to create our own system. Grit and effort.

[Myleik]

Yes.

[Dr. Becky]

And then we. We do think I'm gonna give my kid a system which kind of does change their relationship with grit and effort because so much of the grit and effort was to create systems.

[Myleik]

Right.

[Dr. Becky]

Okay. So that's what's going on for you in my bucket. Okay. And if we then go to your son. But still, this is through your set of glasses and your mindset. This matters too. What do you think? Even from your wisest place now, what is legitimate? Like, what is a concern? What is a question you're carrying under the reaction to his low A, which on the surface seems absurd, but if you give yourself the credit of. There really might be something I'm picking up on. I have a spidey sense about my kid that might be legitimate in terms of A concern about him. What's in that bucket?

[Myleik]

In that bucket. The concern is that he is not doing it. Like, he's not asking questions. He's not reading the instructions. I feel like it doesn't matter what I say. He's just kind of going to rush through it because he doesn't like it. And so that's the. I'm like, you know, the things that he likes, I feel like he'll sit with and stick with, but because it's like, I just don't even like this. I'm just not gonna try. And that is my concern.

[Dr. Becky]

And is there a bigger question there? Because I think there must be. Like, is this the kind of kid where when he gets to something in life that he doesn't like.

[Myleik]

Yep.

[Dr. Becky]

Or is just something that requires some tedious effort?

[Myleik]

Yes.

[Dr. Becky]

That he just kind of has a. Not me. I don't need. I don't. I don't need to do that. Is there an entitlement fear?

[Myleik]

There's that too. Of, like, what will happen to me? You know, it's like because of this life I've set up, what will happen if I just don't do, you know, if I don't do the things that I don't want to do.

[Dr. Becky]

Yeah.

[Myleik]

I'll just be living with mom forever. And, you know, that's where I'm going. Like.

[Dr. Becky]

Right.

[Myleik]

He's just right.

[Dr. Becky]

And that, that goes back to your bucket, too. I'm thinking, what would have happened if you didn't do all the things that you did to have the success you had?

[Myleik]

What.

[Dr. Becky]

What was your alternative? Was it. Was it cushy?

[Myleik]

No. You know, I mean, a lot of my motivation was I wanted to not be where I was. So a lot of the things that I did, I had convinced myself that if I am the best at everything I do, I can change my situation. I can have something bigger. I can have more. I can do more things.

[Dr. Becky]

Yeah.

[Myleik]

And he doesn't have that.

[Dr. Becky]

There's a very specific moment in the day a lot of parents hit, usually in the afternoon where you're still going, but everything feels harder than it should. You're answering questions, making decisions, trying to stay patient, and suddenly simple things feel complicated. Like, why does choosing a snack suddenly feel like a high stakes decision? And most of us, me included, have the tendency to just push through it, power through. But I've started to pay more attention to those in between moments and how something as basic as hydration can actually help. And that's what I like about elements sparkling Electrolyte drinks. They're designed for those exact moments. Not just workouts, but real life. School drop off the transition between soccer and coming home. That mid afternoon dip around 4:07pm and it's a simple grab and go can. No mixing, no prep. Something I can just reach for when I need a small reset for me. No sugar, no artificial ingredients. Just a way to support yourself a little better in the middle of a long day. If you want to try it, Element is offering a free gift with any purchase just go to drinkelement.com goodinside that's drink L-M-N-T.com goodinside how do I raise a kid who actually trusts herself? This is one of the questions I hear most from parents. Because we all want our kids to have a strong sense of self. It's why I'm so excited to partner with Girl Scouts. Girl Scouts gives girls a space that's theirs where they can start community service projects, learn to navigate the outdoors, challenge themselves, and make new friends. Girl Scouts meets girls where they are and helps them grow into who they're becoming. And here's what I love as a parent. It's girl led. Adults are there to support, not run the show. So girls make the decisions. So solve the problems and build confidence along the way. In a world that puts a lot of pressure on girls, Girl Scouts is a space where girls can feel joyful and empowered. If you have a daughter in kindergarten through 12th grade, you can visit girlscouts.org to learn more. That's girlscouts.org to learn More. I just, I was really struck by the simplicity of what you said. I don't want to be here. I want to end up somewhere different from here. And I just think I'm thinking about this too with my kids and none of us have to panic about this. But where does motivation come from for a kid? If the fallback is, oh, I'd be pretty happy to be here. Like, I'd be pretty. Yeah, that would be like, that already is my ceiling. So like your reality wasn't your ceiling. Like your ceiling was the one that you saw for yourself was very different.

[Myleik]

Right.

[Dr. Becky]

And there was an amount of discomfort in your reality. So not just like, this is a good life, but this is a, it's a comfortable life.

[Myleik]

Right, Right.

[Dr. Becky]

Right. Emotionally comfortable now, like physically comfortable. Visually comfortable.

[Myleik]

Yes. Right. Yes. And so that's, I'm just like, is this going to be a kid that just doesn't do things they don't feel like doing? Yeah. And what happens if you do that?

[Dr. Becky]

So, okay, so if we take it away from the low A, because, again, that's not really what we're talking about, because I think there is something there that we can honor. Like, there are these moments with our kids where we say you have natural ability at something.

[Myleik]

Yep.

[Dr. Becky]

I now know that's almost more something that could hamstring you than help you long term. Because it. If I think about ability and effort, like, if you have high ability when you're young, you're. That can. That can take you far. So you're behind. Maybe you're just behind on your effort muscle. Like the slope of that curve is legitimately.

[Myleik]

Yes.

[Dr. Becky]

Slower than other kids and maybe still in your son's grade. The ability shines.

[Myleik]

Yes.

[Dr. Becky]

But we know there's this, like, oh, tipping moment. Right. Ability, like, gets you here, and effort can take you.

[Myleik]

Yes.

[Dr. Becky]

So far. So I think the most generous interpretation of your concern about the low A, but I think it might be the truest one, is you're noticing something where you're concerned about the slope of his effort curve.

[Myleik]

Yes.

[Dr. Becky]

Right. Yes. And, you know, unlike him, because you're an adult, how that plays out all the. All the next number of decades.

[Myleik]

Yes.

[Dr. Becky]

I think that's really legitimate and is separate from our childhood stuff. So I just think. Right. And now I think the question is, well, how do I. How do I intervene from that place?

[Myleik]

Yes. Not from my stuff.

[Dr. Becky]

Right. Exactly.

[Myleik]

Right.

[Dr. Becky]

Do you think the right time to intervene is right after you get the report card?

[Myleik]

Or I can say, no. No. Because I. Because of how charged up I am about it. It's. I'm not able to. I'm still not able to get there yet. Because I need a minute to take myself out of the story. Yes. I need a minute to. You know, I'm think I'm going down the. You know, nobody did this for me. Yeah. You know, I spent all this money. You know, I need a minute to just, like, journal. Yeah.

[Dr. Becky]

Right. You need to journal first. I think that's right.

[Myleik]

Yeah.

[Dr. Becky]

And the other reason why I think it's powerful for parents to know, maybe the moment isn't the best one. Because if it really is about this deeper theme of effort, it's not even really about the grade or the English paper anyway.

[Myleik]

Okay.

[Dr. Becky]

And I also think a good check in terms of talking to my kid about it is if I say, is this beyond the bonus math problem? So. Okay, let me pause. Is this really about effort and taking on a challenge and doing things that are the extra mile, Actually, no. Like, my kid does that in all these other moments, then I might actually say, you know what? This is just a journaling.

[Myleik]

Okay. This is just a journaling moment.

[Dr. Becky]

This really is just about the bonus problem.

[Myleik]

Okay.

[Dr. Becky]

That actually is really helpful to do as a parent. Is this one moment that's triggering a big story, or is this moment kind of emblematic of so many other types of things where on the surface they all look different, but actually the underlying story is the same? Right. Because then I think I want to find my kid in a calm moment not related to the report card. And I don't think there's a problem referencing. And I might say, look like I was thinking about this after your report card. And as you know, in our family, like, one of the things that matters so much isn't the grade you get. It's actually the process of getting there. Like, I can see a day where I am so proud of you in a subject where you get a lower grade than another subject where you get a higher grade. Because I've watched you study. I've watched you meet with the teacher after school. I've watched you learn with me how to make flashcards, which. And that was so cool. And you kept saying, this is the hardest subject. And I said, I know. We're going to get there. And you get the worst grade you ever get. And I say to you, this was the biggest win all year.

[Myleik]

Yes.

[Dr. Becky]

That is the kind of family we are. And the reason I'm saying that to you is because I've noticed there's a bunch of things that are happening. I seem really different from that. And interestingly, this is such a good age for us to talk about it, because you're young, I'm always on your team.

[Myleik]

Right.

[Dr. Becky]

And now all of a sudden, instead of just talking about the moment, I'm actually talking about this bigger theme. And honestly, like, family value, almost.

[Myleik]

Yes. Right. Yes.

[Dr. Becky]

And we can even amend this for different ages. Someone's like, I don't know if I could say all that to my kid, but sometimes I think it's just helpful to think about the vibe.

[Myleik]

Yes.

[Dr. Becky]

Right. Which is very different than the ones that come more naturally to both of us.

[Myleik]

Right. Yeah. As you were saying, that I'm just like, wow. Yes, that is true. Because even it's not about the grade, really, it's that I want to be sure that you're trying. And this is hard. You know what I mean? I mean, I looked at it, and I'm like, this is difficult. But just like you said, the process of at least giving it a go.

[Dr. Becky]

That's right.

[Myleik]

If you don't do well. And you did give it your all, which we did have a. We had a situation with this particular subject because. Because the great just went all the way down.

[Dr. Becky]

Yeah.

[Myleik]

And I was like, all right, we're here now.

[Dr. Becky]

Yeah.

[Myleik]

And I think it was low enough for him to say, oh, okay, I need to get in this.

[Dr. Becky]

If you said to him, what do you think is going on here?

[Myleik]

What do you say? I don't. If I'm first, I'm laughing because I'm like, that's such a good question. Why. Why does that. Why. Why don't I ever think of that?

[Dr. Becky]

And I'm going to answer that. It's easy for me. Do. I don't think about that in my own moment. This is actually really true. Cause I am in my own bucket.

[Myleik]

Right.

[Dr. Becky]

I'm just in my own bucket. In my own bucket. I'm not even thinking about my kid. That's the point. And when someone's like, why don't you just ask them what's going on? You're like, I've never thought about that. Because here's the bucket of what my kid is, and here's mine. And I didn't even realize I'm drowning in my own bucket.

[Myleik]

Even as you're saying that, I'm like, best question. Best question ever. I mean, because I know he would have a good answer. Because I know my kid. You know, it's like, if I could get out of my bucket and into his and ask the question, you know, he'd probably say, I don't really know. Like, the stories are about things that kids who are seven don't even. Like they're not a part of their world. He doesn't relate to the passages. So he's reading these really difficult passages that he can't relate to.

[Dr. Becky]

And I just want to say something my, like, first of all, so incredible that he can articulate that. Like bananas. But there's actually something almost parallel process or meta about that for me. Meaning he does struggle to put forth effort into something that doesn't come easily.

[Myleik]

Right?

[Dr. Becky]

You're right. You don't understand that world. My guess is the teacher's like, that's why we're reading it.

[Myleik]

Right.

[Dr. Becky]

So here's something I just want to model back because I know it doesn't come naturally. So I'm picturing my kid saying, I don't even get these passages. Like, they're so unrelatable some version of that at whatever age your kid is. I just want to model how to say back to a kid in that moment. So let me see if I got this right. You're given a passage to read. Yeah. And you start, which is awesome.

[Myleik]

Right.

[Dr. Becky]

And then at some point you're like, I don't really. Like, this isn't really not me. And I'm kind of fumbling because that's probably what. This isn't really me. I don't know. And then once that thought comes, it becomes harder to stay focused on the passage. You know, it becomes a little hard to focus. No, I can focus. Oh. And then this is important. I'm so glad you corrected me because I really want to get this right. Okay, so it's not focus. What is it? It's boring. Oh. So then you get to a place where it's boring. Is that right? Yes. And then you can say something. It's so simple. But it really does hit my heart. I also don't love reading things that feel boring. I get that. Your kid might only need that.

[Myleik]

Okay.

[Dr. Becky]

Right. They might just. I get that. And then I'm gonna actually have one of two options. Okay. One. I used to say stuff like this to my kid. When you're doing reading today, do you think you can just tell me when you get to the boring part? Mom, I'm at the boring part. I've inherently changed my kids relationship with the boring. So now instead of the boring becoming the cue in their body to tune out, it becomes a cue to connect with me. And like, I'm so glad you told me that. What do you. What should we do now? Immediately your kid's going to be more likely to read. They just are. Because the thing doesn't just take over. They're kind of more aware of it. You're in it with them. So there's a very light version of this. Now I'm a realist. One of my kids, I do that. One of them. And it would be like all they needed.

[Myleik]

Right.

[Dr. Becky]

My other two, they'd be like, yeah, I'm at the boring part, so I'm going to stop. You know? Then it's like, oh, I don't want to do this anymore. Okay, I get that. I don't like boring things either. I also just want to tell you something clear. In our family, one of our values is we work hard to understand things, especially things that aren't kind of immediately understandable to us or are confusing. And we really work hard to understand things that don't relate to us. It's just how we become better people is by understanding more things than live in our exact world. Like, I would say that to my kid. And so I'm on your team. But I just want to make it very clear. Reading these passages and learning how to stay with them for longer is something I expect you to be able to do. I know you can do it, and I'm going to help you get there. Like, pretty strong.

[Myleik]

Yeah.

[Dr. Becky]

What's your reaction to that?

[Myleik]

I'm. I'm giggling inside because that's not what I've been doing.

[Dr. Becky]

And I'm not saying I would really do that in life, but it sounds good in the studio.

[Myleik]

It does. But. No, but this is. But I'm. And I'm also like, oh my God, yes, I can do this. But you know, I'm. I'm saying things like, you know what? See, this is because we're doing too many games and not enough reading and we're going to read boring things at home. Because I think that's another thing is that in my mind I'm like, we need to do more reading. Yeah, but if you're reading the things you love at home, I'm not really helping you with this is I do that where I read things that I don't necessarily enjoy. Like I subscribe to something that probably isn't my favorite just to push myself to. To go down a lane that is not just exactly what I want to be doing or reading. And it is helpful.

[Dr. Becky]

That's right.

[Myleik]

I should probably share that with him. Like, oh, here's my magazine subscription that I get.

[Dr. Becky]

That's right.

[Myleik]

Not my favorite. But it's just my way of pushing myself out of my comfort zone.

[Dr. Becky]

And I think that's where the. I get that I have that too is such an underutilized tool for parents. Because then you can say, do you know, one of the things I'm working on truly is reading things that I don't immediately understand to expand my brain. And it's hard for me too. We could kind of be in this secret club together. Yes, we both. And if you notice me saying, oh, I don't want to finish this, could you say to me, mom, we're in this together. Do it another sentence right. There's nothing like your kid being able to correct you and hear themself tell you the thing they need to tell themselves. I have a sick joy because I'm like, I am building your self talk. Even realize it.

[Myleik]

You don't even realize I know how much my kid wants to tell me things like that. Mom.

[Dr. Becky]

Exactly.

[Myleik]

We don't do that. Or you, you know, you can do it. They love that. They love that.

[Dr. Becky]

And then just because, again, I'm such a pragmatist. There are things your kids. Academic work is hard. There's no immediate gratification. You have to start to try to understand something way before you understand it. There's no dopamine now.

[Myleik]

Right.

[Dr. Becky]

Do screens. That could be part of a system change, too. But again, there might be something. I don't know if this is exactly this case in your house, but for someone listening. Where I do think there could be a situation of, look, we're gonna shift a couple things. This isn't a punishment. My job always in our house, is actually to think about the systems I set up. My job is to set you up for success. And when something is chronically hard, I don't think that's a you problem or a motivation problem. I actually first say to myself, is there a system problem?

[Myleik]

Right.

[Dr. Becky]

And honestly, you. I'm making this up. Doing your iPad for an hour before your homework. Nobody could lock into homework like that.

[Myleik]

Right.

[Dr. Becky]

You're right. It's going to be a hard change. You're probably going to yell at me for a few days. That change is starting tomorrow because I want to set you up for success. That is totally different. Even if it looks the same on the surface.

[Myleik]

Right.

[Dr. Becky]

Result. But the felt experience is completely different than. Okay. No, No. I bet after school. Until you. Whatever. Right now my kid's gonna do their homework less well just to. Because they're so indignant.

[Myleik]

Right.

[Dr. Becky]

Right at me.

[Myleik]

Right.

[Dr. Becky]

Right.

[Myleik]

Same same result. Just a different way of going about it.

[Dr. Becky]

And then different impact.

[Myleik]

Right.

[Dr. Becky]

One more layer I want to ask you about. Do you feel a different type of pressure with him as a black parent?

[Myleik]

I do. I do. I know that in every space that he goes into, if he's going up for a job, if he's going up, you know, whatever he's going up for. I know that there's a layer of, can he do it just based on the way he looks? And so there is a part of me as a parent that wants there to be no question that this person can not just do whatever it is.

[Dr. Becky]

Yeah.

[Myleik]

But can do it better than every single person here. And so, yes, I do have that. I do have that pressure because I felt like that was the pressure for me.

[Dr. Becky]

And. And that, I guess, lives in both buckets. Like that's part of your story in your Bucket.

[Myleik]

Yes.

[Dr. Becky]

But there's something very. That's very real, too.

[Myleik]

Yes. Right. That's very real. Of just like when you show up and you're standing in a line, there's just. You're gonna have to have a little bit extra. Yeah. You know that. Just a little bit extra to make sure that you can fare well.

[Dr. Becky]

True question. Do you talk to him about that directly? Not. Does that inform your parenting? Do you not say that yet? And is that helpful to actually explicitly talk about? How do you think about that? Yeah, you're gonna have to work twice as hard to get. Whatever.

[Myleik]

I haven't said that explicitly, but I can tell you that I'm kind of saying it a little bit. And talk about. We talk about race. We talk about, you know, some of the things that I am, like, helping him notice is like, do you notice that you are the only person that looks like you in these spaces? So, like, if you're in gifted or, you know, whenever he's going to the next level, you're looking around and it's like, how many white kids are in this? Yeah. And it's like, are you the only inhale. Think about it. And he is black and white. And he will say, well, no, there's nobody else there. And so I am wanting him to notice that, like, this sort of only. This Only space that he's in. And I ask him. I ask him how he feels about that, and he'll say, you know, it feels. I feel alone. I feel lonely. I feel different. I do. I'm having the conversation today where I'm saying, you know, I'm not trying to change how you feel or make you feel better about being the only person of color there, but, like, I get it and really just wanting to be with him with that. But we are starting to get to the point where he's noticing that there's not many people in the elevated or gifted spaces with him. So we're doing it. I mean, I feel like I have to.

[Dr. Becky]

You're doing it?

[Myleik]

Yeah. I don't want him to be shocked or surprised when he gets to middle school or gets to high school. It's like, yeah, what's going on? Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. Becky]

Of all the things we talked about around this curious, what's the thing that feels loudest to you? Or you're like, I wanna. I'm gonna incorporate that. Whether it's a thought or action, you

[Myleik]

know, what feels loudest is. Is the clarification of the buckets. Because when I. When I was saying, like, why am I spiraling, like, this is good, right? And it's just like being able to see to really just now when I'm having a moment like this, like, okay, I'm gonna sit my buckets out, which is mine. And really taking a moment to. If it's journal, if it's a voice note, if it's kind of calling a friend and saying, can I vent? You know, can I just vent? And then really taking the time with my son. And I think what you're saying is just like, the effort, like the process, and then having some things that I can say. I know, Becky, when I am in the right bucket, I know I can do it, but I gotta get in the right bucket. So even just getting out of my bucket and into his, I know that the stuff I will be able to access. The very simple question of, what do you think is going on? Yeah. You know, it seems so simple, but I know if I ask him that, I know he'll have a good answer.

[Dr. Becky]

It'll lead to a good conversation.

[Myleik]

Absolutely.

[Dr. Becky]

So beautiful. So let's get back to the original question. We're kind of asking. Is it true if I don't push my kid, they'll waste their potential? Okay. Is it true? And if it's not true, do you have an amendment to that sentence? Do you have a totally new sentence or framework to understand that question?

[Myleik]

Yeah. Is it true? Not that if I don't push my kid, but if I don't get out of my bucket to better understand where my kid is struggling with effort, they will not reach their potential?

[Dr. Becky]

I have such a similar reframe. I want to put the word effort in there. It's not even in there. Potential so charged. I think my reframe is what is my kid's relationship with effort and struggling? And do they need my help? Do they need some more skills to be the most capable version of themselves?

[Myleik]

I think that's where I'm at. Yeah.

[Dr. Becky]

Here's something I'm thinking about that I want to kind of write up and share if it's helpful for you. What are some conversation starters around effort with your kid? How can you open the door to this conversation without your kid slamming it in your face? And so I'm gonna write that up. I'm gonna put it on our blog, and I'll do some examples at different ages. So the younger kid, it's a lot shorter. With the teenager, it understands how quick they are to react to criticism. I'll kind of write it all out, link in the show notes to get it. Now, let's end the way we always do. Place your feet on the ground, place a hand on your heart. And let's remind ourselves, even as we struggle on the outside, we remain good inside. I'll see you soon. So many of you are annual members and I have something I'm so excited to share with you. The question I get asked more than almost anything else is, Dr. Becky, do you have coaches trained for one on one sessions in the good inside method? And for so long, the answer has been no, not really. You're not people that are taking new clients. But here's something I've been working on. I have trained a group of parent coaches in the good inside method. And these are people who think the way I do, who have the good inside frameworks, who speak this language. And so if it resonates with you. Yes. Now we have a group of coaches who can sit with you so they can talk about the very specific thing you want to talk about with a person who's trained and who you trust. And now if you're an annual member, you can book a session with one of them. This is honestly a test. If you show up, and I think you will, we're going to roll this out to every member and maybe even beyond that. So if you've ever wished you could talk to an expert trained in good inside, who's also just a parent who gets it, this is exactly that. Head to the app and book your session.