Is It True? “Nobody Knows What They’re Doing”

Summary

Podcast Summary: Good Inside with Dr. Becky | “Is It True? Nobody Knows What They’re Doing”

Episode Date: May 5, 2026
Host: Dr. Becky Kennedy
Guest: Myleik
Theme: Challenging the idea that "nobody knows what they're doing" in parenting, and exploring how curiosity can bridge the gap between self-doubt and expertise.

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Overview

This episode tackles a ubiquitous, self-soothing sentiment among parents: “Nobody knows what they’re doing.” Dr. Becky Kennedy and guest Myleik explore how this phrase both supports and limits parents, discuss the realities behind feeling clueless, and offer a practical framework for navigating tough moments with curiosity, compassion, and self-awareness. Through candid stories, reflection, and humor, they demonstrate that while no one has all the answers, there are skills and mindsets that help parents show up for their children—and themselves—in more grounded, confident ways.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Comfort and Limitations of “Nobody Knows What They’re Doing”

• [01:10]
  • Parents often use this phrase as a comfort after difficult parenting moments, but it can also lead to skepticism: “But maybe some people do [know what they’re doing].”
  • Dr. Becky challenges the extremes: the notion that no one knows what they’re doing versus the illusion that someone always does.
  • Quote:
    • “Is there anything in between that would be useful as a framework?” — Dr. Becky [01:35]

2. Real-Life Parenting Moments—Self-Doubt and Public Pressure

• [02:49] Myleik shares a vulnerable story of her child melting down in a pizza place—a relatable scenario:
  • Feeling judged by others and pressured to prove she’s managing the situation.
  • The internal monologue: self-blame, fear of “bad parenting,” and projecting into the future.
  • Quotes:
    • “It was just—no matter what I seemed to do, it wasn’t ending.” — Myleik [03:36]
    • “I have to show everyone that I’m not okay with this.” — Myleik [03:51]

3. Shift from Blame to Curiosity

• [05:47]
  • Dr. Becky emphasizes the power of leaving both extremes (self-blame, blame of child) and instead being curious about what’s happening beneath the surface.
  • Myleik admits this took practice; initially, she cycled through self-criticism or viewing her child as “bad.”
  • Quote:
    • “It's always someone's fault. Yeah.” — Dr. Becky & Myleik [06:39–06:40]

4. Redefining Expertise in Parenting

• [06:42]
  • Dr. Becky rejects being called a “parenting expert,” emphasizing that continuous learning, not mastery, is essential:
    • “I really do feel like I’m someone who loves to learn… Experts are kind of at the end of their learning journey.” — Dr. Becky [07:03]
• Balance between “nobody knows” and “someone always knows”—every parent has moments where they feel competent and clueless.

5. Noticing Competence in Others

• [07:44]
  • Myleik recounts a moment observing another parent handle a stressful situation with calm authority—not shaming her child or performing for outsiders.
  • Quote:
    • “She’s got it. I just... I felt like she’s got this handled. And I was like, she knows what she’s doing.” — Myleik [09:29]
    • “I’m not proving my good parenting to you by being overzealous about something that I actually don’t even think would be helpful in the moment.” — Dr. Becky [09:41]

6. The Heart of It: Curiosity and Decoding Behavior

• [12:04]
  • The most useful skill isn’t “knowing,” but getting curious about motivations behind kids’ (and adults’) behavior.
  • Analogy to coaching: the outward problem (e.g., hitting tennis balls into the net) is just a clue to deeper issues, not the whole story.
  • Quotes:
    • “Decoding behavior… you have to wonder, you have to use the most generous interpretation.” — Dr. Becky [12:19]
    • “We have to understand those are problems, but they're actually just a symptom of the problem that I have to figure out.” — Dr. Becky [15:34]

7. Applying Curiosity to Ourselves

• [19:26]–[20:18]
  • Parenting fosters self-compassion: instead of self-labeling (“I’m a monster for yelling”), apply curiosity to your own triggers and patterns.
  • Myleik gives examples of knowing her own stress points and recognizing when she’s more likely to yell.

8. The Antidote to Self-Judgment and Complacency: Curiosity

• [21:56]
  • Both “nobody knows what they’re doing” and “some people have it all figured out” shut down curiosity.
  • The “in between” is a space to be curious, reflective, and open to change.
  • Quote:
    • “What’s in between is actually just, can I be curious?” — Dr. Becky [22:06]

9. Practical Examples: Transforming Hard Moments

• [22:00–25:47]
  • Dr. Becky shares a travel tip: engaging kids’ curiosity upon hotel arrival to ease the transition and minimize tension.
  • Myleik tries a similar strategy—packing suits in backpacks so kids can begin changing and she can breathe.
  • Both describe how foresight and understanding their own and their kids’ patterns help them “know what they’re doing”—at least some of the time.

10. Growing “Sturdiness” and Modeling for Children

• [26:11–32:47]
  • Myleik describes calmly handling her son’s public outburst, recognizing he was reacting to a “violation of expectations.”
  • Over time, her son begins vocalizing these moments: “I wasn’t expecting that,” rather than melting down.
  • Quotes:
    • “He asked me… and I glossed over the answer because I didn’t think it mattered, but it mattered a lot to him.” — Myleik [27:56]
    • “We never get it perfect. But that is one of my favorite lines: ‘You weren’t expecting a line, you weren’t expecting pepperoni…’” — Dr. Becky [31:33]

11. Update to the “Nobody Knows” Mantra

• [33:44]
  • The revised mantra:
    • “Nobody knows what they’re doing all of the time. Can we tack that on the back of ‘nobody knows what they’re doing?’ Let’s hold ourselves accountable.” — Myleik [33:44]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |-----------|---------|--------------------------------------------------------| | 01:35 | Dr. Becky | “Is there anything in between that would be useful as a framework?” | | 03:51 | Myleik | “I have to show everyone that I'm not okay with this.” | | 06:39 | Both | “It's always someone's fault. Yeah.” | | 07:03 | Dr. Becky | “Experts are kind of at the end of their learning journey. And that feels very sad to me.” | | 09:29 | Myleik | “She knows what she's doing.” | | 09:41 | Dr. Becky | “I’m not proving my good parenting to you by being overzealous about something that I actually don’t even think would be helpful in the moment.”| | 12:19 | Dr. Becky | “Decoding behavior… you have to wonder, you have to use the most generous interpretation.” | | 15:34 | Dr. Becky | “We have to understand those are problems, but they're actually just a symptom of the problem that I have to figure out.” | | 22:06 | Dr. Becky | “What’s in between is actually just, can I be curious?” | | 27:56 | Myleik | “He asked me… and I glossed over the answer because I didn’t think it mattered, but it mattered a lot to him.” | | 31:33 | Dr. Becky | “We never get it perfect. But that is one of my favorite lines: ‘You weren’t expecting a line, you weren’t expecting pepperoni…’” | | 33:44 | Myleik | “Nobody knows what they’re doing all of the time. Can we tack that on the back of ‘nobody knows what they’re doing?’” |

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Practical Takeaways

• Don’t settle for extremes: Real skill in parenting lies between total confusion and rigid certainty.
• Practice curiosity: Replace blame with gentle questions—about your child’s needs, and your own responses.
• Decode behavior: Surface-level problems are often only clues to what’s really going on.
• Model sturdiness: Show up calm and sturdy in tough public moments; you’re not parenting for the audience.
• Recognize progress: Even small shifts (like a child learning to say “I wasn’t expecting that”) show your influence.
• Affirm new mantras: “Nobody knows what they’re doing all of the time.”

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Flow & Tone

The episode is candid, affirming, and rich with concrete examples and humor. It reassures parents that struggle is universal, but also challenges the resignation of “nobody knows” by offering practical, compassionate steps to become more grounded and effective. Both Dr. Becky and Myleik use gentle self-deprecation, warmth, and practical wisdom to invite listeners into this “in-between” space where learning—and good enough parenting—happens.

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Transcript

[A]

Does this sound familiar? Your baby wants to be held, needs to be held, and you need to do 10 different things at once. You're holding your baby while also trying to make coffee, get breakfast ready for your older kid, answer emails and all those small and big tasks to make up your day. And what I see with so many parents is that when you can stay close to your baby and have your hands free, everything feels a little more manageable. That's why I recommend Ergo Baby carriers. Baby wearing has so many benefits. Babies tend to feel more settled when they're close to you. And that closeness can make a difference for parents too. But here's the key. You only get those benefits if your carrier actually works for your body. Otherwise your back hurts and you're taking off your carrier after five minutes. It's why I'm a big fan of Ergobaby. Ergobaby carriers are designed to be truly ergonomic and newborn ready so you can use them comfortably from the very beginning. They have patented design that supports the parent by distributing the weight evenly for a lighter, more comfortable carry. And they have options for every stage, which is why so many parents keep using them as their baby grows and grows. If you think that kind of support will make your day to day that much easier, use code DrBecky20D R B E C K Y20 for 20% off site [e-mail] There's a sentence parents say to each other like. Like it's a warm blanket. Nobody really knows what they're doing. And it's usually delivered with that kind of shrug, or it's delivered over coffee or just kind of whispered in a group text after a rotten day. And without a doubt, it is meant to make parents feel better. And sometimes it definitely does. And sometimes it makes you look around and think, but maybe some people do. And that mom at pickup, when that parent is dealing with that tantrum, like, I like the way that parent handled it. And this other parent who's telling me how they dealt with their kid lying, I don't know if I would have done that, but I kind of like that too. And then there's a bigger zoom out. If nobody knows what they're doing with the job, that probably impacts our own life and the world in the biggest way. I don't know, does that maybe mean something else if we're all just winging it? And can we think about that question without going to the extreme and the opposite? The opposite extreme is, oh, someone has it all together and is Always perfect. Is there anything in between that would be useful as a framework? Well, Myleik is here again to help me unpack this because I think it's really important and I wanted to talk to her about it. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is good inside. I'm glad you're here.

[B]

My oldest. Just. We are at the cutest little pizza place by our house, and I'm by myself. I have the stroller. I have my tablet. I've got it. I've got everything I need. Screaming on the floor Threw the tablet on the ground through it Threw it through it. Hanging out of the stroller. I'm trying to order a pizza. Everybody's staring at me. And I'm just like, wtf? Yeah, wtf? How did I get here? How did I get here? I mean, he's through this expensive thing that he supposedly likes.

[A]

Right?

[B]

And he's on the floor and he doesn't care.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it was just he. No matter what I seemed to do, it wasn't ending.

[A]

And what. Just get real. Like, what feels natural in that moment? Like, what's going on in your head?

[B]

Snatched the tablet because.

[A]

Excuse me.

[B]

Next. It's like wanting to put him back. And now I am on stage and other. Everybody's staring at me and it's like, okay, I have to show everyone that I'm not okay with this.

[A]

I have to kind of prove it to all.

[B]

I have to kind of let everybody know that, hey, in what way?

[A]

Like, we get.

[B]

We all get like a little, you know, like you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, it's like my. I'm huffing. I'm like, you know, I'm frustrated. I'm moving things. You know, I'm picking everything up. Excuse me. You know, I mean, take him to the side. And I still need to order pizza. You know, I need to, like, have a moment with him so that everybody knows that. You know what? I got this.

[A]

I'm taking this seriously.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yes. I'm not a pushover.

[B]

I'm not. And I, you know, I don't want this to happen again.

[A]

So you end up getting home. You survive that moment. And I'm just thinking, probably most natural is something, I don't know, something's wrong with my kid. Like bad kid, disrespectful kid, spoiled kid, ungrateful kid, sociopath kid. Which. Which are the words that come out.

[B]

All of them. You know, I just thought, like, first things first. This is. This will never end for me. This is going to happen every time I try to go Somewhere. I'm nervous that every time I take him out and he's not happy and I. And I thought I had. Had all the things that would help this situation go well, this will happen for the rest of our lives. He's not going to be. He's not going to get very far because he's going to be doing this in school.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And I just. I'm seeing out into the future. He's going to be unemployed. He's going to be living with me forever. This is what I'm thinking. Sorry about that.

[A]

Sorry that that's happening. It's not. But, you know, we're already like, all my friends are going to think I'm a horrible parent because my 23 year old and you're like, I just.

[B]

And it all started at the pizza place on the floor when I. That's where it started. And had I. Had I done it right, then we wouldn't be here.

[A]

But no one knows what they're doing.

[B]

Right? Right.

[A]

As soon as I get out of. My kid is going to be like this forever mode.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Or, well, nobody knows what they're doing mode.

[B]

Right. That's.

[A]

I actually can be. And this is something I know you're. This muscle is strong for you. You can be curious.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Which took time. Which took time. It was not something I feel like I could do easily because I was so busy trying to figure out what I did. You know, I'm already always thinking, like, if something happens, like, what did I do? It's like, did I not wake him up early enough? Did I give him the wrong food? You know, did I go too far? You know, was it, you know, did I. Did he have the tablet too long? I'm thinking of all these other things that maybe I did versus getting curious and saying like, huh, what's going on?

[A]

Yeah, it is kind of me either

[B]

blaming myself or figuring out, you know, or maybe it's him.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Not me.

[A]

It's always someone's fault.

[B]

It's always someone's fault. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

I just want to come out and say this. Nobody knows what they're doing all the time with parenting. Like, you know this about me. I think, like, when someone's like, parenting expert Dr. Becky Kennedy, I'm like, stop calling me that. And they're like, oh, did I get your name wrong? And I was like, I just hate the word expert. I really do. Because I really do feel like I'm someone who loves to learn. Like, I love learning. I'm like, oh, I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I find it exciting. And maybe it's a limited understanding, but I think experts are kind of at the end of their learning journey. Like, they've reached the top of the mountain. And that feels very sad to me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I just want to say that if one myth or one idea is nobody knows what they're doing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think, actually, what's equally untrue is somebody always knows what they're doing.

[B]

Nobody knows what they're doing all the time.

[A]

Nobody.

[B]

But there are times when people, you know, they know what they're doing. It's like you've seen people. They're in the grocery store. There's someone with multiple children. Someone's screaming, and it's just almost like they kind. They're kind of flawlessly moving things around, and they're.

[A]

It's like, paint me a picture of that. Like, what's the moment? I'm curious about this, and I'm not trying to set you up for a certain answer, but I'm generally curious what you're gonna say.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

What's the moment in parenting? And you could make up a. It doesn't have to be real that you're like, wow, that chick. That dude knows what they're doing. Like, I'm impressed.

[B]

Yes. There's a story. There was this time that my son went to this one camp, and I was waiting behind a parent that a couple of the camp counselors came out to say, like, to tell on her son. They were like, you know, And I'm just sitting there like, uh, oh, you know. So they came out, and they. I was feel. You know, they came out. They were like, mom, we need to talk to you. He did this and he did that, and on and on and on. And she. When I tell you my girl was cool and calm, she said, okay. Okay. So then her son came out. I'm still waiting, and I'm like, oh, she's gonna hit. Yeah, she's. And they're standing there waiting for her to come down on him. And she was just like, how was everything today? She okay. She was like, great. Good to see you. She. They stood there. Everybody watched. I get so. And I kind of can hear her walking away on the stairs. I get my son, and I see them in the. Like, the. They're getting, like, a smoothie, and I'm like, I gotta get the rest of this. I stand. We get in line. And she is not shaming her son. She didn't let those counselors knock her off. Her game. I was like, she. She's going to handle this. I could tell that she was going to handle it, but she didn't need to erupt in the moment, prove anything to them. And I was like, she's got it. I just. I felt like she's got this handled. And I was like, she knows what she's doing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm in charge. I'm the boss. I got it. I don't need to do anything right now for you.

[A]

Yep. I'm not proving my good parenting to you by being overzealous about something that I actually don't even think would be helpful in the moment.

[B]

Yes. And they kind of just like, walked out. And then I could tell she. She. The way she was asking about his day was she was trying to get to it.

[A]

Yup.

[B]

But even the way she was going about getting to it was like, you know, so they told me. She never said that. She was just sort of like, so how was it today and what happened at, you know, swim, you know? And I was like, I. She's got it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I loved it. And not saying sorry to everyone else

[A]

and not saying sorry to everyone again. Again, this publicness.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And just sort of saying it to their child. Sorry versus apologizing to everyone for having a child. Being a child.

[A]

Yeah, that's. That's exactly right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, I think about a moment. I think one of my proudest moments as a parent. Okay. Was. It was a while ago, but I just. The story is so visceral. Why Where. My youngest, I knew, totally ruined this puzzle that the four of us were working on. Me, my husband, my older two kids were working on a puzzle. My son was young at the time. And we came back after a break and, like, half of the puzzle pieces that we put together were, like, gone. We don't have a dog. Okay. Okay. I don't really believe in exactly. In ghosts. Right. So I was like, I know. I know what happened here. And I was like, hey, what'd you do with puzzle pieces? She's like, I don't know what you're talking about.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

And something in the moment. I don't know, I just was able to drop down into.

[B]

I probably.

[A]

He's a kid who fashions himself to be very capable. So for him to not be able to participate in something the four of us are doing is really painful. And my guess is ruining the puzzle probably is trying to, like, ruin and erase that feeling.

[B]

Right. But my question to you is always, how do we get there Right. How do we get there? Because, I mean, I can think of my proudest moment, but I'm just. I know how often we as parents have these times where it's like, you know, who knows how much this puzzle was. Or it was a gift from someone special, and it's so hard to get there. How do you do it? Tell us.

[A]

So if we can first say, wait, there's something between. Nobody knows what they're doing, and people know what they're doing all the time. I'm just gonna try to live in between, then. Probably the biggest thing to try to learn is decoding behavior.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

What we do when we see a kid's behavior is we assume we know everything about them, which makes sense because behavior is observable. We see it.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Trying to understand the feeling underneath the struggle, underneath the wish, underneath the fear, underneath those things. Forget not being visible. There's no blood test for them.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You're not like, oh, you were actually scared. So you have to wonder. You have to kind of use this most generous interpretation. And then you have to do something else. Because when you do that, for example, my son really struggles when he doesn't feel capable. He was struggling to feel left out. I kind of know that about him. It's not about saying after, oh, so everything's fine.

[B]

Right? He. No, that's how he is.

[A]

That's just how he is. That's another one. It is what it is.

[B]

Right? Or that's just how they are.

[A]

That's just how they are.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Right. Maybe it's kind of right. I guess that. And nobody really knows what they're doing. All have this. It's really interesting. My visual of it is the same as expert, even though it almost sounds the opposite. It's just a final dot.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Experts know. Nobody knows what they're doing. It is what it is. So when I try to understand behavior for my kid, for another adult, for another kid, it's not about then putting the period there. Okay, well, that's how they are. No, but I think, Maileik, what's interesting to me is in so many other areas, even for children and their development, we implicitly get that we have to understand what's underneath to help a kid. So, for example, let's say you have a kid who's a tennis player, and they keep hitting the ball into the net. That's not good for tennis. Right. We know the ball's supposed to go over the net. Right. Okay. You could say over and over. Stop hitting the ball into the net. Stop hitting the ball into the net. Because that's observable and nobody wants that.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But a good coach probably says, I see the ball going into the net. I don't know why exactly. Let me. Is it the grip? Is it their body position? And then you actually might. No, that's all fine. Oh, it's interesting. This kid feels so much pressure on themselves. They keep saying, I suck. I'm gonna lose. So I love this idea that when you see a problem on the surface, the behavior, that's valuable information.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

But it's just a clue. It's not the whole thing. The whole thing for the tennis players and that the ball goes into the net, that is a clue to help me think as a coach, what's actually the problem.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And then maybe as a coach, I'm

[B]

like, it's the grip.

[A]

I would never say, oh, it's the grip. Okay? No, okay, now. Now I have to help them change the grip.

[B]

Right?

[A]

So my son. I think there is, like, a process. And the reason this is a practice is. Is cause we have to practice this

[B]

thought process multiple times a day.

[A]

Or at least when we lose it, we're like, I'm gonna go back to it. It's a practice. It's a muscle. And that is a skill of trying to understand what's happening for humans underneath their behavior. Because we have to understand the true issue that's leading to the ball in the net. Or in my son's case, the stealing of the puzzle pieces. Or in your son's case, the throwing of the tablet.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

We have to understand those are problems, but they're actually just a symptom of the problem that I have to figure out. And when I get curious, I may say, okay, so my son likes to feel capable. Okay, so what can I do about it? And I'll tell you what I did. Cause that was a complicated one for your son. Okay. Who knows? We were waiting, and he wanted my attention. And maybe I say, cause I start to get curious. I wasn't really. I was kind of distracted. I was on my phone. Or maybe I'm saying, you know, when I go into a public space that's overwhelming, my kid gets overwhelmed. I'm probably just not gonna let him have a tablet in his hand next time. So maybe that's something I start changing.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Right. But it actually. We can't come up with a helpful intervention if we don't get curious about what's actually happening under behavior. I'm not gonna be a good tennis coach if I Don't try to figure out why my player is hitting the ball into the net. And if you saw me figuring that out, here's the other thing you would never say to me, Becky, like, you're a pretty permissive tennis coach. Like, just tell him. Tell her it's not acceptable.

[B]

Right.

[A]

It's not acceptable to hit the ball into the net. Go to your room and come back to the court when you can hit the ball over the net or else you're permitting bad tennis behavior. Like you would never. You would say you look like a good coach.

[B]

You look. Yes, right. Yeah.

[A]

And so I think that there's other things too. But the interesting thing is when we start to try to figure out what's really going on under behavior, we also start to apply that framework to ourselves. One thing I notice with parents all the time, and honestly with myself too, is how often we all just feel depleted. I mean, parenting asks a lot of us. We're making decisions all day, navigating big feelings and keeping everything moving. It's draining. I want to tell you something I do that both helps me stay hydrated, but honestly also feels like a form of self care. I always have an Element drink mix in my bag instead of just carrying snacks for my kids. I go to this when it's 3pm 4pm, 8am and I'm tired. And it's something for me that helps me feel taken care of and honestly makes me feel better. Element is a zero sugar electrolyte drink mix that helps support hydration without the sugar and artificial ingredients you'll find in so many sports drinks. It is truly part of my daily routine and it makes a difference. If you want to try it. Element is offering a free 8 count sample pack of their most popular flavors. With any purchase just go to drinkelement.com goodinside There's a very specific kind of stress that comes with those early baby days when something feels off and you're trying to figure out why. Because when your baby's uncomfortable, especially overnight, it affects everything. That's why I really like Coterie. Their team of parents and engineers. Yes, engineers design diapers that work. They absorb quickly, minimize leaks and blowouts, and help keep baby skin dry. Which can make the difference between a long night of sleep and a long night for you. And they're incredibly thoughtful about what goes into them. Software gentle on sensitive skin with none of the stuff you'd rather not have near your baby. I always come back to this. When something works, it gives you a little more room to exhale as a parent, and that's everything. Try coterie today. Use code goodinsidebaby20 for 20% off your first order of $60 or more at coterie dot.

[B]

Parenting has made me a better person in so many ways across the board. But if I can be curious about my kid, I can be curious about myself. And I feel like I have so much more sort of like self compassion because I'm not just like, oh, I'm bad at that. You know, putting the period on, oh, I'm not good at this. Or I'm bad at that. It's like, huh, why don't I do that? Or why do I maybe run late on this? Or avoid that? Versus just like, oh, I'm bad at replying to texts. Or, you know, it's like, huh?

[A]

Or talk to me about yelling. Like, if you yell at your kid, what's the level where your own curiosity? Practicing the skill of curiosity. Cause the easiest thing is, I'm a monster. I'm a monster. I yelled at my kid. But if you practice curiosity, I'm curious. What does that sound like inside your brain?

[B]

If I. I now know when I'm going to Yale.

[A]

Tell me.

[B]

When we go on vacation, and it is the first seven minutes in that hotel room and the pools outside, the bathing suits in the luggage. They are excited, but I can't find the room key. Where's my phone?

[A]

And I need to unpack. I'm like, don't you want to unpack? And they're like, no,

[B]

I will, you know, I will scream. And even this one time, I feel like I took my kids by myself because my partner, their dad takes. He's taken them twice on an airplane. And I was feeling like, you know what? I can do this. And so we're in the airport and we finally got to the hotel room, and I go, I feel like I've been yelling at you guys all day. And they go, not that bad, mom.

[A]

You've been worse. But here's what I know about you, because it goes back to this idea. Nobody knows what they're doing. If nobody knows what they're doing, then every time I yell at my kid, I'm either a monster or. Well, it is what it is, because nobody knows what they're doing. If you can practice the skill in between. Nobody knows what they're doing. Oh, my goodness. I just figured something out live. I love talking to you. Do you know what is remarkably similar about nobody knows what they're doing. And some people have it all figured out. Both Are completely anti curiosity. If I know what I'm doing all the time, I'm never curious.

[B]

Never.

[A]

And if nobody knows what they're doing,

[B]

there's no need to be.

[A]

I'm not curious.

[B]

No.

[A]

So actually there are two sides of the same coin. Because the coin actually has to do with the total lack of curiosity.

[B]

Correct.

[A]

What's in between is actually just, can I be curious? Can I be curious about myself? Why am I yelling there? Because then if I can say, it's actually really triggering. When my kids were young, they were

[B]

like, I want to go to the pool.

[A]

I'm like, I want to unpack. Can't you wait? I took you on this nice vacation, like. But if I can say, becky, I'm going on vacation tomorrow, let's get real. I'm probably going to have the urge to scream at my kid instead of some people have it figured out, which would tell me I'm a horrible mom or nobody knows what they're doing, in which case I'm just going to yell at them because I can't do anything differently. Anyway, I actually want to tell you what I do on vacation because you and I are similar. Hey, when we get to the room, like, and my kids were younger, I used to say, can we make a couple predictions? And we used to, like, make. It wasn't anything crazy. How many lamps are there going to be in our rooms? What color is the bed going to be? I can't even tell you what would happen. It was like a trick. They would have something exciting to do in the room instead of just saying pool, pool, pool. While I kind of had. By the way, I'm not saying this was some 15 minute adventure.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But it could even be. I mean, you know that the demand to go to the pool when you get into the room is like a split second.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So giving you two minutes. And then we'd play around. Oh, okay. So you think there's gonna be a green wall. You think this. And it was almost like a little game. Oh, I was right, you were wrong. What's the next thing? And that idea only came up because I was able to be curious about what's really going on there. What do I need?

[B]

Yeah, right. A little bit. We just came back from a trip and what I did is I had them put their suits in their backpacks so that now you can struggle to get your clothes because they're still young. Struggle while they're struggling to get their clothes off and put them away and try to get their suit on. I Can at least get a breather and find my own suit and just, like, get my bearings before they're just like, mom, mom, open the suitcase. Put my suit. Put my swimsuit on. We gotta go. And so now I was like, okay, I can slow this down some. And I didn't. I didn't yell this time, but I.

[A]

But you worked to get there.

[B]

I did.

[A]

You did. You thought you were curious. You made. Then you kind of translated that understand into, oh, so I can do this differently. Yes, because I understand this differently.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And then it was. I don't think it was a coincidence that you didn't yell that one time.

[B]

That. Right. Because I'm like. But, you know, when you're packing all the bags, you don't think about it. But this. It's like, I finally figured it out. I don't do well the first five. I don't do well the first five minutes in the hotel room.

[A]

Right. Well, there's too big of a mismatch. Nobody does well when there's a mismatch between what you need and what your kid needs. Like, I think that's why sleep at night is so hard. Our kids need five more minutes with us, and we need no more minutes with them.

[B]

Right.

[A]

It's just a gap.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You know, and so when you're aware of that, then you can action on it a little bit and at least close the gap a little bit. A little.

[B]

And it's just nothing. The trip's not like, oh, we went. And, you know, I'm not reporting back on my blog. Like, we took the kids on the trip and every moment was perfect. You know, it was just like, okay, I've done this enough to know where I start to scream. So I'm gonna do this. And then, you know, I find some other. There's something else that.

[A]

But can I tell you something? It earns you a sentence. I'm a parent who knows what I'm doing the first couple minutes of checking into a hotel room. No, I mean it. Like, I am. It doesn't mean I'm not gonna yell sometimes.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Those two things are independent sometimes. But I thought about it. I kind of understand maybe what's going on. And I am now a parent who does know what I'm doing when I'm going to travel. I do know how to handle a public meltdown. I do know I'm not gonna action every time what to do if the teacher or counselor tells me something my kid did that was bad.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Like, you've earned those.

[B]

Yes. I feel like I've had a lot of practice. Yeah, I've had a lot of practice. I was thinking of my sort of proudest moment and. Because I told you about one of my worst. But my proudest is it was like, the day that you meet the teacher and my son at what time is it? I told him the time, and I just didn't realize how many things he's clocking at all times. And so we get there. I apparently told him there wouldn't be a line. I didn't think there would be a line. We get there, there's a line. We stand in the line, and there's. I mean, this is our school. These are. These are. I'm gonna be with these parents for a long time.

[A]

Nervous.

[B]

And he yelled at me and was like, you said there wouldn't be a line. And he said, smacks me in the back of my leg. And everyone's looking, and I'm like. I was sturdy because I have practice, and I just. You know what? I said, no, thank you. Do not do that. And we just kind of, like, walked on our way. But it wasn't for any. It wasn't for everyone. It's not like, oh, so it's okay if he hits you? It is not okay if he hits me. It is not okay.

[A]

But no big lecture, was it?

[B]

But no, this is not the time for that. This is not the time. And I know him well enough to know that now because I wrote about this in the community of, like, all the things that he expects. So I lied to him because he asked me, because this was important to him, and I didn't. I just gave him an answer because.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, I don't know.

[A]

Yeah, sure.

[B]

You know, I just gave him an answer because I. Because it doesn't matter.

[A]

You know? Right.

[B]

It didn't matter to me, but it mattered to him. And I wasn't. He didn't feel like I was honest, and he was upset. It is not okay to hit me. But I don't need to handle all of this here because I do have some element of curiosity. And I'm like. In my mind, I was like. He asked me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I glossed over the answer because I didn't think it mattered, but it mattered a lot to him.

[A]

And you have such a deep understanding of your son. And like you say, he's a kid who clocks everything, who thinks about everything. So there's this term in psychology, violation of expectations. Right. And violation of expectations is hard at any age. It's hard for Me and you too.

[B]

Right.

[A]

If I wasn't here when you showed up today, like, if I violated those expectations, you'd be annoyed.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But deeply feeling kids, they're always clocking things. So they have all these expectations, especially when they're younger, to try to feel in control of their world that we don't know. Or a simple question, like, do you think there's me a line? You're like, I don't know. I'm, like, packing a water bottle.

[B]

Like, sure.

[A]

No, whatever. That they're trying to form their worldview of something that makes them a little nervous. And then because they have so many things they clock, they have more expectations. And then they probably have, when they're younger, a few more violations, which leads to those moments. But then what you did with all of that in that moment, and there's such a pattern here. First of all, you were so sturdy. Like, I heard it in your voice. It wasn't like, stop hitting me.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

Say it again in the voice.

[B]

You probably said it and, like, no, thank you.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You do not hit me. And that was it. And we kind of just kind of walked to the line, you know?

[A]

That was it. Yeah, that was it. I find so much of my. Again, we're kind of talking about the moments. You end up feeling really proud. Like, I did. Did handle that well. I did know what to do. Are the hard moments.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And so many of them involve doing so much less in the moment, because you don't have to prove every single thing about your parenting or who you are to yourself, to your kid, or to the audience.

[B]

Right, Right. Like, I could have. You know, I would have all the other ways, like, pulling him out of line. We're not going inside right now. I'm gonna take you back to the car. Like, all of these things. And I just remember. I mean, I wasn't expecting. When he was upset. I just didn't expect for him to hit me in public in front of other people.

[A]

Yeah. And wait, just. Can we. I just want to bring it home with this, because you told me something before we were recording that your son said something recently around expectation that now, probably because of how many times you've said it to him, he has started to say, instead of getting upset, he has.

[B]

He every. It's probably like 10 times a day.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He's been saying, oh, I wasn't expecting that. You know, it's like, you'll hand him this glass of water, and he'll be like, oh, I wasn't expecting that. What you Asked for water. What?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What were you expecting? But I just realized he has all of these expectations, and now that he's not exploding as much, he's able to say, oh, I wasn't expecting that. I wasn't expecting that. It's so. Like, he'll open the pizza box. He wasn't expecting that.

[A]

But that would have been, oh, you know, meltdown.

[B]

Meltdown.

[A]

Like the pepperoni. You can get half pepperoni.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And on one piece of the plain, if they like plain, there's a tiny piece of pepperoni. Meanwhile, you're like, it doesn't matter. Don't have that one you can have. But your kid will have a full blown meltdown. And it's interesting. It's such practice. We never get it perfect. But that is one of my favorite lines. You weren't expecting a line. You weren't expecting pepperoni?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You weren't expecting the crunchy apple to be so crunchy? Like, we kind of have to say it a little bit. Like, yeah, we.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But then you have this moment where your kid shows up to school the next year and forget. Now they think there's gonna be a line. But what they don't know is that, I don't know, there's a food display or there's music, and they're a little overwhelmed, and they look at you instead of that meltdown the last year, and they just say, I wasn't expecting music. And I feel like in that moment, oh, I'm like, I know that that didn't happen naturally. That was years, years of my practice showing up 20% of the time, 50% of the time. Maybe the best it gets is 70% of the time. And then all of a sudden, it shows up in your kid.

[B]

It's. My mind was blown because he said it, like, maybe three times within, like, 15 minutes. And I was like, wow. Wow. Okay, you're able to handle more.

[A]

You.

[B]

You now have some language. I wasn't expecting that. And I don't even think I realized I had been saying. Because I'm not saying it all the time. No, but I'm saying it. I'm clearly saying it sometimes. And now he's able to just not explode because he's just like. Like you said, I wasn't expecting the red apple to be red.

[A]

Right. Exactly. And just to bring this arc, when we're willing to be curious about the things that are hard and learn how to show up in a way that is never perfect but feels better some of the time, we end up showing up and sharing language with our kid that you then years later hear them say to themselves or I have heard my deeply feeling kid say to her brother when he was upset about something happening. You weren't expecting that. That's the worst. And you know, I'm barely at a loss for words. That is something I'm like, oh yes, it's just the best feeling.

[B]

The best feeling.

[A]

So we started with this question. Nobody really knows what they're doing. And I think we got to something really powerful and I think we have an update to it. And I'm going to hand it to Maileik to give us that update.

[B]

Yes, the update to Nobody knows what they're doing is Nobody knows what they're doing all of the time. Can we tack that on the back of Nobody knows what they're doing? Let's hold ourselves accountable.

[A]

Love that. The other thing I'm realizing, and I want to make sure to hold myself accountable to, is I never got to finish the story here about how I showed up for my son when he lied to my face about ruining our family puzzle. And so I'm going to write it up because it's a good story and I want to share it with you. And it's going to be on the Good Inside Blog, so you can just go to show notes to follow the link to see that part through. Now let's end the way we always do. Place your feet on the ground and place a hand on your heart. And let's remind ourselves, even as we struggle on the outside, we remain good inside. I'm excited to see you next week. Okay, parents, quick check in. If your brain feels like it's holding everyone's schedule except your own, you're not doing it wrong. You're carrying a lot. I see this all the time. School, emails, activities, chores, dinner plans. And somehow it all lives in one person's head. Usually moms. And that gets exhausting. That's why I love Skylight Calendar. It's a smart touchscreen calendar that takes everything swirling around in your brain. Schedules, chores, meals, grocery lists, and puts it in one place where the whole family can actually see it and participate. It syncs with Google, Apple, Outlook, all of it. And you can color code each family member so there's a lot less. Wait, I didn't know in your house. Plus, with the free Skylight Companion app, you can add or update events, lists, and more on the go. And I appreciate this. If after 120 days you're not 100% happy, you can return it for a full refund, no questions asked. Right now you can get $30 off a 15 inch skylight calendar at myskylight.com Becky that's my s k y l I g h t dot com Becky.