Two Parenting Styles, One Family, and Conflicting Boundaries - Revisit

Summary

Podcast Summary:

Good Inside with Dr. Becky
Episode: Two Parenting Styles, One Family, and Conflicting Boundaries (Revisit)
Date: June 9, 2026

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Main Theme

This episode tackles the challenge of parenting as a team when both parents have fundamentally different approaches—especially around boundaries. Dr. Becky Kennedy speaks with Carmela, a mom of two young children, about how contrasting parenting styles between her and her husband create family stress, confusion for their kids, and strain on their relationship. Through practical advice, relatable anecdotes, and actionable strategies, Dr. Becky reframes the struggle, exploring how difference can be a strength, how to reduce resentment, and how to communicate more effectively with a co-parent.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Core Challenge: Parenting with Conflicting Boundary Styles

• Carmela outlines her situation: She’s the primary caregiver and feels comfortable with boundaries, while her husband tends to be less rigid or consistent.
• As a result, Carmela observes increased tantrums and “emotional blowback” when her husband returns after stretches away, or even just moves in and out of family routines throughout the day.
• The difference in parenting is most palpable, not just as a theoretical source of conflict, but in the daily reality of inconsistency, which kids notice and respond to, often leaving Carmela to manage undesirable behaviors or meltdowns.

2. Beyond “Good Cop/Bad Cop”: Separating the Real Issues

• Dr. Becky distinguishes between the normality—sometimes even value—of having different parenting styles, and the specific pain that arises when one parent is left to “clean up” after the consequences of that inconsistency.
• Memorable analogy:

  “It would be like, if we’re always in the kitchen and our partner comes in and spills milk and then leaves, and you’re like, wait, I’m cleaning up milk. Like, I didn’t spill the milk... if that’s chronic, that doesn’t feel good over time.” (Dr. Becky, 16:07)

• Carmela acknowledges she doesn’t mind the differences themselves—she even helps her young kids verbalize them—but dislikes the feeling of carrying all the emotional labor of the fallout.

3. The Emotional Toll on the Primary Boundary-Setter

• Carmela describes needing to “pick up the pieces” after her husband’s exceptions or looseness, which her kids then take as precedent.
• She notices a growing strain in her relationship with her older son, who prefers his father’s style but relies on Carmela for routine and predictability.
• Dr. Becky normalizes this exhaustion and validates how common—and un-talked-about—it is for parents.

4. Moving from Frustration to Productive Conversations

• Dr. Becky urges a shift from “teaching conversations” (lecturing about the importance of boundaries or demanding sameness) to sharing real emotional experience and framing partnership as a shared goal.
• Sample script:

  “The issue for me... is when you intervene with the kids in a way that’s a lot less routine and boundaried than I would. It’s not that difference. It’s the fact that after, I feel like I collect all of the emotional reaction that our kids have in trying to switch systems... I want to figure out a way that we can take our parenting styles and do it in a more complimentary way.” (Dr. Becky, 18:57)

• Dr. Becky suggests that acknowledging and even celebrating each other’s strengths leads to greater understanding and less defensiveness.

5. Concrete Strategies for Bridging Parenting Styles

a) Pinpointing and Prioritizing Key Conflicts

• Instead of global demands for change, pick one domain (e.g., bedtime, where kids sit at dinner, access to a parent’s office) to focus on.
• Start with the boundary that will make the biggest impact on family routine or the caregiver’s stress, and agree to be consistent in this limited area.
• Dr. Becky suggests having “tradesies” where each partner can make their case for flexibility or consistency in the area they care about most (24:35).

b) The Role Reversal Exercise

• Dr. Becky recommends a playful, staged swap: For 10 minutes or one situation, swap roles entirely—boundary-heavy parent becomes the loose parent and vice versa.
• This exercise helps each partner practice new skills, see situations from the other’s perspective, and signal to the children that both parents are capable of both structure and flexibility.

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“It will feel so awkward... but this does so many things in a dynamic. First of all, it gives each of you an opportunity to practice and experiment with the role you’re least comfortable with. It also allows your kids to have a double take. Like, wait, what?”
— Dr. Becky (26:11)

c) Avoiding Role Lock-in and Finding Balance

• Dr. Becky discusses “trait percentages”: When parents become polarized (“I’m 100% boundaries, you’re 0% boundaries”), everyone gets stuck. Striving for movement toward the middle—even just a little—brings relief for both parents and greater flexibility for the family.
• Carmela affirms this, noting that sometimes she is “forced” into a stricter role to compensate for her husband’s leniency, which isn’t how she wants to parent.

d) Validation and Repair

• Dr. Becky repeatedly reassures Carmela that these struggles are universal:

  “This struggle is such a common struggle. And so I just want you to know you’re absolutely not alone. I think parents around the globe are nodding as they hear your story because it’s their story too.”
  — Dr. Becky (30:39)

6. Practical Takeaway for Listeners

• Clear communication—naming differences to the children without blaming—reduces confusion and allows kids to adapt successfully.
• Start small. Pick one area of alignment, get consistent on that, and slowly build up teamwork.
• Relationships strengthen when both parents feel seen and each has a chance to contribute in new ways.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Emotional Labor & Resentment

• “More than different parenting styles, that’s pretty awful... It’s not just that I don’t love that now for three nights I have to deal with a different bedtime routine because my husband kind of did his thing—it’s not like he’s bearing the brunt of his intervention. Right. Same thing with the food.”
  — Dr. Becky (14:10)

On Normalizing Differences

• “There’s legitimacy to both. I think kids often grow up with parents who, you know, fall... one of them is one way and the other one’s a little bit the other way... but it’s also helpful often for another parent to say, hey, sometimes we can let go and, you know, be looser. There’s legitimacy to both.”
  — Dr. Becky (13:18)

On Meaningful Communication

• “There’s many ways of saying things that are truthful, and some are effective and some are not. That’s what it is. We can say ‘I can’t deal with this anymore’. I think if we’re honest with ourselves in getting our needs met, it’s just not that effective.”
  — Dr. Becky (20:13)

On Breaking Parent “Polarization”

• “The more extreme we get, not only is it not great for our kids, but it’s also really not great for us because we get locked into a role that’s probably more extreme than even we want...”
  — Dr. Becky (24:56)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 02:51–05:08 Carmela describes the personal cost of inconsistent boundaries and kids’ reactions
• 09:35–11:16 Specific conflict examples: bedtime, mealtime, and office access
• 13:18–15:49 Dr. Becky reframes “differences” vs. “cleaning up the consequences”
• 16:07–16:38 “Spilled milk” analogy for emotional labor
• 18:57–20:13 Dr. Becky models an effective, non-confrontational conversation with a partner
• 23:04–24:19 Practical: Start by aligning on one area of consistency
• 24:35–27:05 The “role swap” exercise and why it helps
• 29:05–30:38 On avoiding polarization and role lock-in
• 30:39 Dr. Becky normalizes and validates the struggle as universal

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Episode Takeaways

• Core Insight: The real pain point isn’t difference itself—it’s absorbing all the consequences of another’s style without support or communication.
• Action Steps: Name differences for kids, communicate emotional experience to your co-parent, experiment with playful role-swapping, and start building consistency in a single domain.
• Emotional Resilience: Normalize the struggle. You’re not alone, and with small changes, families can move from stress to partnership—even without becoming identical in style.

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For parents feeling exhausted or misunderstood in a home with conflicting boundaries, Dr. Becky’s episode is a validating, actionable, and hopeful listen.

Transcript

[Dr. Becky]

So it's summer, and your kid's out of school, and you hear them say, I'm so bored. That's a stressful moment, right? I mean, it is for me, but here's a reframe. Boredom is a doorway to creativity. And Play DOH can actually help you and your kid walk through it. What I love about playdough is there's no one right way to play. Kids can make up the rules as they go. If you have a kid who loves animals, your kid can make a dog or a dolphin. The kid who plays with their food can make a donut or pizza. Your kid can make anything. And your kid isn't just having fun. They're using their imagination and expressing themselves. And if it all gets smushed into one big blob, you have a kid who felt free enough to play, and that matters. And here's my favorite thing. You can sit down next to your kid with a can of Play DOH and no agenda. You can play together, play side by side. There doesn't have to be any teaching or fixing. In fact, I recommend leaving those things out. It's an opportunity to give your kid what they want the most. Presence and connection. This summer, give your kid and honestly yourself permission to play, shop, play. Dohalmart.com Sometimes the hardest part of parenting isn't your kid's behavior. It's what happens when two loving parents see the same moment completely differently. One parent says, our kid's tired, Let it go.

And the other is fully triggered by that. Um, no, we're gonna hold the boundary.

One parent improvises. The other one wants consistency, predictability. And somewhere in the middle is the

kid who's trying to figure out what the rules actually are. And the parents are trying to just

not have resentment build into an explosion. If you've ever felt like you and your partner are parenting from two different playbooks and it's kind of tearing you apart, this episode is for you. It's a revisit of one of our most loved episodes from the archive. I talked to a mom named Carmela about parenting with a partner who has a very different style. And we dig into what kids really need when adults in the house aren't on the same page.

And we also talk about what's really

going on underneath because it's different from what we assume. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is good inside. I'm so glad you're here.

I am so excited to be talking with you today. And so how I would love to begin is just Give me a little bit of a sense of what's on your mind. And then I also. I like to hold myself responsible for giving very kind of, like, actionable, specific help. So let me know what's on your mind and let me know what you would love to end our conversation with today. So I make sure this is useful to you.

[Carmela]

Sure. So my husband and I are really different kinds of parents, and we have very different relationship with boundaries. So that has created a dynamic with our children where he's very often like, the preferred parent. I often find, like, that there tends to be, like, a lot more tantrums when he's around, like, just bigger emotions, like, multiple times throughout the day. When I do then try to hold boundaries, I feel less effective after he's been around. Sometimes he's traveling for work, and I find those times to be easier sometimes. So there's this sort of imbalance that's happening, and it's resulting in just. I feel like, a lot of emotional legwork for me, which I know is, like, normal. But how do I navigate co parenting with somebody who has a much, like, looser relationship with boundaries than I do? And how do I mitigate, like, the impact that I feel is having on my relationship with my kids?

[Dr. Becky]

Okay, and your. Your. You said your kid or your kids.

[Carmela]

I have two boys, ages 3 and almost 2.

[Dr. Becky]

Okay. You are in it. You're in it with those ages, I'm here to tell you it definitely, definitely gets easier. So I just want to mirror some of that back to you. So you are someone. It seems like I am kind of comfortable holding boundaries, or at least I think it's important to hold certain boundaries. If my kid is upset in reaction to those boundaries, more times than not, I'll feel comfortable continuing to hold it, allow my kid to have their feelings, moving on from there. I have a husband who has a different relationship with boundaries, doesn't hold boundaries in the same way. Maybe in the threat of a protest or the face of a protest would shift. And so my kids kind of get used to two very different styles. And then it also makes things harder on me because even if I'm relatively consistent, the shift with my husband kind of has more blowback on me when I do wanna hold a boundary. Tell me, tell me how much of that is accurate or what I missed.

[Carmela]

Yeah, that all sounds accurate.

[Dr. Becky]

Okay. And one of the questions on your mind is just like, how do I manage this? How do I mitigate the impact? Because it sounds like right now things feel. Things feel pretty bad with These different styles and then how it kind of comes back on you. Yeah.

[Carmela]

And I do feel like it's having a big impact on my relationship with my older son because he's just like. And he has just such a strong preference for his dad, but I am like the primary caretaker. And so with my husband coming in and out of, you know, the day or of our routine and stuff, it's like, it sends things into, like, such chaotic tailspin.

[Dr. Becky]

One of the most talked about topics when it comes to parenting is this exact issue.

What do you do if your partner isn't on the same page as you are? About how to interact with your kids? What if they can't tolerate your kids

pushback and hold boundaries in the same way that you're working so hard to do?

What if you then feel resentful and frustrated?

This episode will help parents with different parenting styles come together and work together to strike the right balance. We'll be right back.

Recently I traveled to Texas for work. And it was one of those trips where there was so much going on, which can be really energizing and really exhausting. And that's what's so great about booking stays on Airbnb when you travel. We booked a home in a really beautiful part of Austin that was so peaceful. It had this amazing porch surrounded by trees. And when you're on a busy trip, having a place like that to drink your morning coffee and ground yourself just makes a huge difference. And the other thing that helps me feel grounded when I'm traveling is when someone can help with all the logistics. When you book a home on Airbnb, you can have groceries delivered upon your arrival, which meant that in Austin, I could focus on being present instead of running to the store and dinner. There's something really special about sharing a meal around a table even when you're traveling. And that's especially true when you're traveling with family, because when you book a home on Airbnb, you get that space. A real kitchen, a dinner table, a backyard where the kids can actually run around. The kind of setup that makes a trip feel less like a disruption to your family's routine and more like an extension of it. That's why I love booking homes Through Airbnb, I can do the things that will help me feel grounded so I can make the most out of my trip.

I just want to pause on that because to put in so much work as the kind of primary mental load carrying day to day parent to also it's work to hold boundaries that's not usually natural for any of us. And a lot of us do it because we, like, know what's important and it matters, but it's work. And then it sounds like it's a little bit. Maybe this is caricatured, like, daddy's home or like, something like that. Like, fun parent is here. And I don't know why I'm visualizing, like, the kids running to the door and, like, oh, yay. And it. And can feel. I don't know, it can feel lonely, it can feel sad. It could feel almost like, loss in that moment or unappreciated. Is that. Is that kind of along the lines of how it feels? Not.

[Carmela]

Not so much. Because my husband works from home, so literally, like, he's coming in and out of, like, our day, like, in. Yeah. In a different. So it's not necessarily just at the end of the day. And so it's a lot of times, like, yeah, like, because my son thinks, like, I'm gonna throw a tantrum and I get what I want, but then, like, you know, my. My husband leaves, and I'm left with the tantrum. So it has been felt more hurtful in the past. Like, you know, why can't I be the one that, you know? But I don't really, like, feel that way anymore as. As he gets older. But, yeah, I just kind of, like, want to make my life somewhat easier or, you know, like, not have everything feel, like, even harder.

[Dr. Becky]

So let's. Let's get into some details. Like, can you share one example that brings a lot of this to life? He kind of comes in, he drops in. Then I'm left with. May be the meltdown or the tantrum. Like, just give me an example, and we'll use it to jump into some ideas.

[Carmela]

Okay. Bedtime is a good example. When my husband does bedtime, which, like, the children insist because when he does bedtime, it's, like, hours long versus when I do bedtime. But then the children will want to add things to the routine, and, like, he will allow that to happen. So, like, the latest one is, like, now they want to sleep with the door open, and then I want them to sleep with the door closed. So it just. Then it creates, like, a huge, like, meltdown at bedtime because, like, this is, like, now something that he has added to the routine that. That makes my life more difficult. That's one example. Like, another example is just, like, at dinner, like, oh, I don't want to sit in my high chair. I don't want to sit in my High chair. Okay, you want to sit on my lap? And versus my reaction is like, okay, well, I'll wait until you're ready to sit in the high chair and your. Your food's here waiting for you.

[Dr. Becky]

And let's say there was like, I'm making this up, but like a week where your husband was traveling or something. Do you feel like a couple days of the boundaries you're setting, like, you would get to the point where it's like, okay, now my kids kind of get it. Like, you know, maybe they had a tantrum or something, but then they, like, understand this is the rule, and then they end up coming. But. But like, kind of. Because that doesn't happen. It sounds like maybe to have that week, then it's almost like a lot of back and forth of systems and expectations.

[Carmela]

Yes, exactly. Everything feels like more possible for them when he's around versus, like, with me, it's just like, this is the way we do stuff, and they're used to that. And so when he is traveling, like, I'm able to keep that consistency. But then when he's around, there's like, all these new things that get thrown into the mix.

[Dr. Becky]

Yeah. Okay. So here's my first thought. Okay. And it's almost like thinking about, like, how exactly can we move forward or intervene here. My first thought. And just tell me how this lands on you, because it could be totally off and you know you best is. I'm wondering, is this a boundary issue or is something not feeling great in the way you and your husband communicate about it? And is that really where we should focus, or is that, like, where the issue is?

[Carmela]

I mean, that definitely could be part of it because I think we had such different upbringings. So I think he doesn't necessarily think that boundaries are as important as I do because he didn't grow up with many boundaries at all. So I definitely think that it's maybe something hard for him to uphold because he doesn't necessarily understand the value or. Or value it as much as I do.

[Dr. Becky]

Yeah. What is it like when the two of you try to talk? So I'm just making this up. Hey, let's talk about what happened earlier. You kind of came out, and we have this different rule about, you know, where the kids eat, and then you maybe go back to your office. And I'm kind of left with the situation. Like, what. What happens when you guys try to talk about it? Is that productive? Is it not so productive?

[Carmela]

It's. It's productive in the moment. Like, I think he his perspective is like, well, it's just one time versus. I see it as like, okay, yes. But then it's creating, like, this sort of ripple effect in other places. So, yeah, it's usually like, him diminishing, like, the problem. It's not a big deal. Like, they'll, you know, he can sit on my lap one time or whatever, and I'm like, well, you know. And like, with the bedtime thing, it's like, well, now they want that every night. Like, it was one night and now, you know.

[Dr. Becky]

Yeah.

[Carmela]

Sometimes he does recognize. Like, you're right. Okay, I shouldn't have done that or something. You know, But I think it kind of depends on the boundary.

[Dr. Becky]

Yeah. Because, look, I think there's a couple things at play here. So, number one, kids definitely have parents often who do things differently. Right. There's often a parent who's more on the side of boundaries, one parent who's more on the side of looseness, one parent who it's helpful to remind one parent, hey, there's rules and routines and kind of please be part of them. And it's also helpful often for another parent to say, hey, sometimes we can let go and, you know, kind of, you know, be looser. There's legitimacy to both. Right. And I think kids often grow up with parents who, you know, fall. You know, one of them is one way and the other one's a little bit the other way. Okay. And then there's moments where those systems just clash. Right. And what you're saying that really speaks to me is like, I'm kind of often the one left cleaning up kind of the mess of the clashing systems.

[Carmela]

Yes.

[Dr. Becky]

And more than different parenting styles, that's. That's pretty awful for you to be like, here's the bedtime routine and here's how we do it. Oh, okay. And then there's a couple of times that we do a different bedroutine. It's not just that I don't love that now I, for three nights, have to deal with a different bedtime routine because my husband kind of did his thing. It's not like he's bearing the brunt of his interventions. Right. Same thing with the food. Right. And I think in a partnership, when we're co parenting, that is the part of differences that feels really bad. And I think separating those two things really matters to say. Okay. On one side, there's two parents who have different approaches and different styles. Okay. That's actually fine. It's actually sometimes helpful for kids to see a variety, to Be adaptable. Okay. That's one thing. Totally separate from that is, is there one parent who is taking on the brunt of the emotional labor for the parenting differences? And if that's the case, often that parent builds up resentment. That parent feels exhausted, and that's really, in some ways, the inequity is that. Does that make sense, separating those two to you?

[Carmela]

Yes, absolutely. And I have conversations with my kids sometimes, like, oh, yeah, like, you know, papa does it this way and mama does it this way, you know, so they. We do, like, they totally understand that. Like, papa lets them do certain things, you know, and they get that, and I totally respect that, that we do have differences and that kids can roll with it. But what you're saying is absolutely true. Like, a lot of times I'm left with, like, a lot more of the emotional, like, front of it.

[Dr. Becky]

Yeah. And the reason I think it's so important to separate it, and this is why I'm asking so many questions up front, is because until we kind of really understand what our issue is, we can't really intervene effectively. We can't even have effective conversations. Right. And at the surface, it's like, wait, you're not holding any boundaries, and I'm holding boundaries, but I'm not even sure if that's the thing as much as, okay, then you just kind of, in some ways, exit the room, and I'm. And, like, dealing with the problem that in some ways, you created. And I wouldn't even mind that you created it if you were cleaning it up. Right. But it would be like, if we're always in the kitchen and our partner, like, comes in and spills milk and then leaves, and you're like, wait, I'm cleaning up milk. Like, I didn't spill the milk. Maybe one time or two times, I do that. But if that's chronic, that doesn't feel good over time. The issue isn't even really the spilling of the milk.

[Carmela]

Right.

[Dr. Becky]

And the fact that you never spill milk, the issue is that you're the one cleaning up the milk so someone else is feeling. Right. Okay, so now that we see it that way, I want to think about the nature of the conversations you have with your partner, because I think this is really where the intervention is. It sounds like you're already doing something. Carmela, that is so beautiful. And I just want to name it to highlight it is when kids have parents who have different styles, whether those parents live in the same house or those parents are separated or divorced doesn't really matter. It's so helpful for kids to. To just really have their parents name that difference. Wow, Mama does it this way. Papa does it this way. That's really different. Then kids are able to say, oh, yeah, that is what happens for me now. I kind of understand my different experience. You're already doing that. That is so beautiful. The conversation I think we often have with our partners in the situation, and you might not be doing this, but if it was me, I'd probably be doing this because it's just easier, and it feels feisty. Is like, hey, boundaries are important. It's like a teaching conversation. Boundaries are important, and you don't hold boundaries, and I do hold boundaries. And that makes you a good cop, and that makes me bad cop. And we have to be on the same page. And I think that conversation isn't effective. And again, it doesn't actually speak to the problem. So again, it's not productive either. A very different conversation. I'm just going to model it, Carmela, to you, and then we can talk about it. Is, hey, you know, I know we've talked about this before, kind of our different parenting styles. And you know what? I. I think we've kind of talked about a version of it that isn't really the biggest struggle. And that version is we do things differently. You're a looser. You're a little lighter about things. I'm a little more routined, a little more boundaried. The truth is, there's pros and cons of both, and the fact that we kind of balance each other out is probably, in a lot of ways, like, a beautiful thing for our kids. Okay. So that's actually not really the issue. The issue more for me, that I wanted to share with you, because I know as my partner, you know, we're invested in figuring out how we can both feel good as we parent differently. And the issue for me is when you intervene with the kids in a way that's a lot less routine and boundaried than I would. It's not that difference. It's the fact that after I feel like I kind of collect all of the emotional reaction that our kids have in, like, trying to switch systems. That's basically like they're constantly switching systems. And I wanted to bring that to you because I want to figure out a way that we can almost take our parenting styles and do it in a more complimentary way. There's such a place for this looseness and the, hey, we don't have to do that tonight. And I think I would be a Lot more even excited about that if I didn't feel, for example, like, oh, my next three hours are going to be dealing with the meltdown our son is having as I switch systems, and you're kind of back in the office, and I'm like, hey, you know, why is this all on me? And so I just wanted to talk about that with you because, again, we're on the same team. Tell me your reaction to that.

[Carmela]

Yeah, I think that sounds really, really good. And. And I think I have tried to have some version of that conversation, but it's more like, I can't deal with this. I'm losing it. You know, like, so. But yeah, I. I hear what you're saying.

[Dr. Becky]

And. And of course, that. That makes sense as a reaction. Right. And I would give yourself some validation, like, yeah, I do feel like that is a version of my truth. Like, I can't deal with this. Right. And I remember, you know, working with couples in my private practice, one of the things I'd always say to them is, you know, because I remember someone saying, well, I can't say that. Like, I can't say that to my partner, that I'm losing it. And I can't deal with that. And I say, it's not that you can't say that. And if you want to, you can say that. I'm not going to stop you. But there's many versions of true for how to express what's happening. There's many ways of saying things that are truthful. We don't wanna be Pollyanna, but there's many ways of saying things that are truthful, and some are effective and some are not. Just. That's what it is, right? So, sure, we can say to our partners, like, I can't deal with this anymore. I think if we're honest with ourselves in getting our needs met, it's just not that effective. And slowing down and saying, okay, well, how am I really feeling? And how do I actually need my partner's help? Like, this is my partner. It's not my enemy. Even though sometimes it feels like that right here, they're my partner. And sharing how I'm feeling versus sharing what they're doing is a very, very big difference. And I also think, Carmela, it's really important in these conversations to almost validate to our partner that they have value to bring. And I think so many times, if we start a conversation that way, someone's a lot more willing to hear our experience. Right? Like, okay, it's. It is kind of fun that sometimes you're like, sit on my lap. Or we do things this way or we can be looser. Like, the kids love that. And I'm very aware this would be true for me because I have a hard time letting down. And that way, I'd say that's actually hard for me. Like, I can be kind of rigid sometimes. And so the fact that I have a partner who isn't like is actually a good thing. And I appreciate that about you. And that's where there's an and not a but. And when it ends up happening, literally when you leave the room is I go back to the system that in general, I do think is really good for our kids. Like, those moments that are exceptions are fun. And then I do think there's a set of expectations that's helpful and I'm upholding that. But now dealing with their reactions to inconsistency that you brought, again, you're not the enemy. Again, we get that some of that is natural, but it's almost like I then am cleaning up. And I'm sure you can imagine too that that doesn't feel great. And then I think you can move Carmela into really like a kind of absurdly practical kind of conversation, because I'm sure I'll wonder, okay, what next? Like, so I would take things. There's like food in the high chair, there's bedtime routine, there's. I don't know, let's take another one. Whatever the other one is.

[Carmela]

You know that he lets my son sometimes be in his office, which is like, of course what he wants to do. But then I'm like, and then what happens when he can't be in your office?

[Dr. Becky]

Right, right.

[Carmela]

And so great.

[Dr. Becky]

So how often he could be in the office. So I. I have two really. In addition to this kind of conversation starter, I have two other ideas I want to share. So one is, let's think about all the different iterations of this. You've already named three. And I think we can say to a partner very like, light in a light hearted way. There's no exact science to this, but can we pick one of these that together we say we're going to have the switching of systems. And yeah, you know what? I probably am going to take the brunt of like some of that emotional labor when you leave. Okay. And we're also going to pick one where we're going to have a lot of consistency. And let's maybe pick the one that's easiest for you.

Right.

I would say that to my partner if like, you know, so, like, and it's going to take practice. Like, it's going to take practice holding a boundary around sitting in the high chair or holding the boundary around the bedtime routine or holding the boundary around the office. But either what would be easiest or what would actually make the biggest impact in your life, or I could share which one would just make the biggest impact in my life. But let's pick, like, let's just pick one, right? Because I think it gets so grand. Like, we need you to hold better boundaries. And I know for me I'd even be like, I don't. I don't even know how I can do that. But if someone tells me, can we just pick one area to start? I. I think most people could commit to that and then it's a lot more manageable. How do you think he would take to that?

[Carmela]

Yeah, I think that would be good. That sounds like very, like, action oriented. And we could have a plan. Like, when you, you know, go down to the office, this is how we're, you know, he can go down there with you on these days or under whatever, like, certain circumstances. And then.

[Dr. Becky]

Yeah, great. And. And I would have like a tradesies. Like, you're like, I'm bargaining for office. Like, Carmel, you might be like, I really want that. And he's like, all right, well, I want some inconsistency around food. And you're both like, fine. Okay. You know, and like, there's, it's like, could be playful. Okay. The other thing I want to share with you is one of my favorite couple strategies with parenting that is so, so powerful and has a lot of levity and can really mix up this dynamic. Okay. Because one of the things that happens in any binary and a couple is a binary anything with two, two people. This happens a lot in families, often when there are two kids, right? And often it's like, well, one is this way and one is this way. And co parents, okay? My mom is kind of more rigid and routine and consistent. My dad is more inconsistent and light and go with the flow, right? Is what ends up happening is we kind of just get really split and we end up over years getting even more extreme. We almost say, like, okay, my husband has all the fun and levity and inconsistency and I have all the kind of routine and seriousness and consistency. And the truth is, the more extreme we get, not only is it not great for our kids, but it's also really not great for us because we get locked into a role that's probably More extreme than even we want it to be. But we keep having to get more extreme because we think our partner is getting more extreme in the opposite direction. Right? And, like, nobody wins. Okay? So here's what I would do. I would say this to your husband, and I would say, you could put it on me. Could be like, I don't know if you know this clinical psychologist, like, you know, she said this idea, and I thought we could do it. Okay? So we're gonna do an exercise. We're gonna pick either 10 minutes or one moment of the day, and we're gonna swap roles, okay? And so you are gonna be the boundary holder, and the, like. Kind of like, we gotta stick to the routine parent. And I am going to be the, like, you know what? It doesn't really matter parent. And you're actually going to do this. And you could pick a scenario. So maybe it's like your kids are watching a show, okay? And you're like, one show. And they're like, can I. I want to watch another one? Or whatever they say. And your husband would come in and. And you have to plan this in advance because it's going to feel awkward for both of us. He's going to say, you know what, guys? We said one. And, you know, when we say one, we mean one. Okay? Exactly. It's almost, like, humorous. Cause you're like. I literally can't picture him ever saying that. And you're gonna come in right after and you're gonna say, sweetie, you know what? It's Saturday. It's okay. You know what, kids? We can watch one more show. We can watch one more show, and he can say, what? I thought we were only watching one. He could say, you know what? Sometimes we have to be a little bit more flexible, okay? And. And I know it seems laughable, and it will feel so awkward. And it is staged and it is practiced, and that is okay. It is awkward. But this does so many things in a dynamic, okay? First of all, it really gives each of you an opportunity to practice and experiment with the role you're least comfortable with. It also allows your kids to kind of, like, have a double take. Like, they'll be like, wait, what? And, like, that's actually really helpful for their kids to see. Wait. My dad does have the ability to assert a boundary. My mom does have the ability to see past a boundary once in a while and, you know, prioritize fun over anything else. And so the whole system benefits because the more you do things like this. Now, let's say you Go back to my first idea, which is, okay, there's one area where it's. The boundary is being held, and you both agree to that. Let's say it's no kids in the office Monday to Friday, just because that consistency matters. The more your husband has practice randomly, in a joking way, holding a boundary about something that he knows you're gonna come in and take away anyway, the more he's actually building the muscle he's gonna have to use in the times when the two of you agreed to hold the boundary. And actually the same thing for you. It'll give you an opportunity in a moment where maybe there is a moment here and there where you're like, you know what? Tonight's a door open night right Now. I'm not saying that has to happen or that's right. But there are moments here and there where, you know. You know what? I can probably give in on this. And you will have built that muscle too. So you're kind of coming a little closer toward each other, which will end up really helping in those potentially higher conflict moments.

[Carmela]

Yeah, no, that sounds really good.

[Dr. Becky]

Would you guys go for that? Do you think you would do that?

[Carmela]

Yeah, I think so. I do. And I think you're absolutely right. Like, where I feel myself needing to get, you know, more boundary to make up for the lack of, you know, and it's true, like, I don't want to necessarily be that parent. And so sometimes I lose sight of, like, where. What are the boundaries that I actually need to hold?

[Dr. Becky]

And that makes so much sense, Carmela, because furthering this idea of this binary. Something I think about a lot, especially in a binary, is there's only 100% of a trait to go around. This could be really helpful to talk about with your husband. So you could say it's almost like we've gotten to the point where, like, I hold maybe a hundred percent, 99.9% of the boundary trait, and you have now held 99.9% of the. We don't need to hold this. Let's prioritize the moment and enjoyment trait. And I think we'd say to him, look, the truth is, it's probably at best going to be 80, 20. Like, you just have more of a predilection toward that, and I have more of a predilection toward boundaries. But the truth is, and I think you can own this, like, I would actually like to hold closer to 20% of the fun and the looseness. I really would. And. And you can almost say, like, and you're hogging it and you're hogging it and like, that's, you know, I want some. And. And I think you would probably at times even say it would be helpful to hold a little higher percentage of the. You know what, we're going to have a boundary right now because that actually helps, you know, the night goes smoother. Getting our kids to bed earlier and not taking two hours might help us be able to, I don't know, watch a show or like, talk to each other. Like, that would be really nice for us. Right. And these traits have gotten so extreme. And if there's that idea that there's only a hundred percent of a trade to go around, the more we practice here and there, we're probably not going to get to 80, 80, 20, but we might get decently soon to 95. 5 on each of them. And that actually would be hugely different than 100 0.

[Carmela]

That makes sense.

[Dr. Becky]

Look, I. I also just wanna say this struggle is such a common struggle. And so I just want you to know your absolutely not alone. I think parents around the globe are like, nodding as they hear your story because it's their story too. And I think we all need strategies and ideas to action on. I also think we all, like, literally need to have experiences where we know we're not alone because that like, de shames it too. And I just want you to know that.

[Carmela]

Thank you. Yeah, I appreciate that.

[Dr. Becky]

One thing I hear over and over from parents is I don't want to feel like I'm carrying all of this alone. And honestly, parenting was never meant to rest on one person's shoulders. Kids do benefit when the adults around them are connected and communicating and working from some type of shared understanding. Even or especially when those adults have different personalities or different instincts, there's at least some language to try to bridge them. That's actually why we created family Plans inside the Good Inside app. Your partner gets their own full Good Inside experience, their own feed, their own

learning, their own journey. So you're not constantly carrying the mental load for both of you. Oh, watch this. Do this.

Do it like I do. You know, you're gonna get information from the same framework and you can explore slightly different things. And it's going to help you stay connected through your shared child profiles and tools. Parents do not need to become identical to each other, and it definitely helps if there's a little more alignment. And I think part of our job at Good Inside is to help that alignment happen. You're already doing a lot. And I also just kind of want to say sorry for not offering this sooner. It was probably a lot on you, and I hope you take in this version of repair that now you and your partner can both take on some of that load. And there's such an opportunity for the two of you to become closer along the way and for your kid to benefit. If you're curious, there's a link in the show notes to learn more. And before I let you go, let's end the way we always do. Place your feet on the ground, place a hand on your heart, and let's remind ourselves, even as we struggle on the outside, we remain good inside. I'll see you soon. I'm always talking to parents about letting kids make choices. Because when kids make choices in some area of their lives, they they're building confidence and a sense of self, and

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