
Lux Radio Theatre - Mother Wore Tights
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Narrator/Announcer
This episode sponsored by She's Bertie. Every woman knows that feeling. And she's Bertie knows it too. The just in case feeling. Just in case I hear something. Just in case someone tries the door. Just in case I need to wake up fast. It's not fear. It's awareness. And Birdie Box from She's Birdie was made for exactly that. Birdie Box is a portable travel door alarm designed by She's Bertie for hotels, dorms, Airbnbs and anywhere you're staying away from home. It installs in seconds on the door frame and if the door is opened, it activates a loud siren and flashing strobe to help draw attention instantly. She's because peace of mind should check in with you. Birdie Box by She's birdie visit she's birdie.com that's S-H-E-S-B-I-R-I-E.com and order your Birdie box before your next day.
Frank Burt
Away from home Radio Theater starring Dan Daly and Missy Gaynor in Mother War type. Ladies and gentlemen, your producer, Mr. Irving Cummings. Greetings from Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. We're going to start the new year with a song. In fact, the song hits from Mother wartimes, one of 20th Century Fox's best musicals and one of our 20 greats. And as our stars, Dan Daly in his original role and Mitzigen. These two fine artists are starring in another 20th Century Fox picture about a vaudeville family, Irving Berlin's there's no business likes your business. And they will join in later for a preview of this Cinemascope production.
Myrtle McKinley
Mother. My mother. There she is sitting in the rocking chair on the soap porch. That sweet, that gentle old lady. She gentle even the mother swimmer. Her father seeing her like this. Who'd ever dream that Mother ever behaves like one like this? Put your arms around me, honey, all the time. Cuddle up and cuddle up with all your mind. Oh, and oh, I never knew any more like you. Mother wore. Mother wore when she sang that song on stage. Good heavens, Mother, how could you? And there on the porch is Daddy, the cutest old darling in the world, asleep in his chair, his eyeglasses pushed up on his card and the Sunday funny papers spread over his lap. Dad's in quiet type. I just can't imagine them out there on the stage in those baggy pants and a putty nose.
Frank Burt
You Burlington Furby. I rise at 10:30 and smoulder along like a top. I walk down the strand with my gloves on me and I walk down A guy with a ball. I'm all earth and grapers like easy papers without food so long I forgot where miss faces. I'm burnt.
Myrtle McKinley
Burnt.
Frank Burt
I haven't a shirt that my people are well off, you know.
Myrtle McKinley
Really.
Frank Burt
Everyone knows me from Sister Lord Rosebery. I'm Burlington Bertie from bel.
Myrtle McKinley
To really understand how mother happened to wear tights. Let's go back some 40 years to when mother graduated from high school. The next afternoon she and a couple of friends went downtown. But girls, I don't want to be a telephone operator. I'd rather be dead. Why, Bessie Flemmer Hammer. Well, I would anyhow. At least what I'm going to be doing standing on my feet all day selling underwear. At least you'll be in college, Myrtle. Business college. You know, we're awfully early for my appointment at the time Telephone company. Well, let's just window shop. We could go to a matinee. A show? Why not? My cousin Bubba sells tickets at Waller's opera house. He said anytime I wanted to go, he'd let me in for nothing. Oh, let. Bessie left. And these are my girlfriends, Bubba, Myrtle McKinley and Alice.
Frank Burt
How do you do?
Myrtle McKinley
How do you do? Well, we thought. That is, you always said if I came over the opera house, Bubba, you'd let me in free.
Frank Burt
So I never said anything about your whole school, did I?
Myrtle McKinley
Oh, please, Bubba.
Frank Burt
Oh, well. But if Mr. Waller ever catches me. If Mr. Waller ever catches you doing what? No, nothing, Mr. Waller. Handing out free tickets. Oh, no, Ms. Waller. They wanted to know if they could get jobs with the show in. In the chorus. Chorus, huh? All right, girls, follow me. We'll start this over in my office.
Myrtle McKinley
Well, we're coming, Mr. Waller.
Frank Burt
Well, girls, your figures don't look too bad and only see your leg. Well, ain't you scared too?
Myrtle McKinley
No, sir. My legs.
Frank Burt
Kind of nice.
Myrtle McKinley
Mm
Frank Burt
hmm.
Myrtle McKinley
I. I had the lead in our high school operetta. I'm a dancer.
Frank Burt
Oh, fine. Your folks know about this?
Myrtle McKinley
My parents are dead. I live with my grandma.
Frank Burt
How much do you want a week, sister?
Myrtle McKinley
Would $10 be all right?
Frank Burt
I was gonna offer you 15, but just to teach you a lesson. 10 bucks it is. All right. Come on.
Myrtle McKinley
Oh, my. Well, that's how mother got on the stage. The headliner at Wallace Opera House was a good looking, brash young fellow named Frank Burch. Frank was a singing comedian. As a comedian? Well, today we'd call Frank's act awfully corny. Those ridiculous costumes he wore and the laughs he'd get by falling in the Bass drum or getting hit over the head but in old days he really
Frank Burt
killed the people Take December and smile at an amaze and then December comes back again when you're away who has the charm? The very few do. Who makes life necessary? Oh, you do. Help us Take my dreams and make my dreams come true oh, don't give me three guesses or one will do. You sure sell that. You do. Number Frankie. Yeah. What's wrong with my Burlington Birdie routine? There you go. Go. Any of you, forgive the expression, want to speak in part in my Paris blackout next week? All right, but I need a girl who speaks French.
Myrtle McKinley
France? What is it, a character part? Go away. I can speak a little French, Mr. Bird.
Frank Burt
You can, huh? Well, you're that new kid, ain't you, sweetheart? All right, let me hear you read this line.
Myrtle McKinley
Boulevous paell ugarcon.
Frank Burt
Hey, that's. Well, you're gonna do fine. We'll have a bite to eat a after the show, and I'll run through the business with you. And you.
Myrtle McKinley
The business is right.
Frank Burt
By the way, what's Your name?
Myrtle McKinley
Myrtle McKinley.
Frank Burt
Anyone ever tell you you got the prettiest face?
Myrtle McKinley
Yeah, we've heard that approach.
Frank Burt
Yeah, well, in your case, sweetheart, I really mean eyes. All right, you're ready for your next summer. Come on. See at the stage at Smurt right after the show.
Myrtle McKinley
So Mother got her start in Frank Burt's code village. A couple of months later, the company chipped in to give Frank a birthday party. He had rushed out right after the show. And while they all waited for him to come back, Mother decided to do an imitation of Frank Burlington Bertie.
Frank Burt
Now, quiet. Quiet, everybody. Myrtle's gonna hand you a laugh. Here you are, honey. Here's his monocle and cane. Let's go.
Myrtle McKinley
I'm Burlington Bertie I rise at 10:30 and saunter along like a clock I walk down the Strand with me gloves on me and then I walk down a Guine with them all I'm all ears and right at correct easy paces without foot so long I would not wear my face I'm first Burke I harbor good but my people are well off, don't you know Nearly when everyone knows me from Syscamore Rose beyond Burlings and Birdie from birth.
Narrator/Announcer
This episode sponsored by She's Bertie Every woman knows that feeling and she's Bertie knows it, too. The just in case feeling. Just in case I hear something. Just in case someone tries the door. Just in case I need to wake up fast. It's not fear it's awareness and Birdie Box from She's Birdie was made for exactly that. Birdie Box is a portable travel door alarm designed by She's Bertie for hotels, dorms, Airbnbs, and anywhere you're staying away from home. It installs in seconds on the doorframe, and if the door is opened, it activates a loud siren and flashing strobe to help draw attention instantly. She's because peace of mind should check in with you. Birdie Box by she's birdie visit she'sbirdie.com that's S H-E-S-B-I-R-I-E.com and order your Birdie box before your next Stay away from home. This episode sponsored by She's Birdie. You lock the hotel room door, then check it again and maybe one more time. Because even the nicest room can feel unfamiliar at night. That's why She's Birdie created Birdie Box with She's Birdie. You can bring peace of mind with you. Birdie Box is a portable travel door alarm for hotels, dorms, Airbnbs, and anywhere you stay away from home. Just attach it to the door frame, switch it on, and if someone opens the door, birdiebox blasts a loud siren and flashing alarm to alert you and everyone nearby. Because the best part of travel isn't worrying, it's sleeping soundly. Birdie Box from She's locking in peace of mind wherever you stay for safer, more confident travel visit. She's birdie.com that's S-H-E-S-B-I-R-I E.com.
Frank Burt
In case you forgot, this party's for you. And, boy, did you miss something just now, Myrtle. Huh? Kind of stealing my father, ain't you, Myrtle? Well, anyway, folks, today's my birthday. You all showered me with lavish gifts of your esteem and gratitude, so what can I do but return the compliment? All right, Eddie, bring on the presents. Presents for us? Why not? Here, Helen, this is for you. And that big box, that's for you, Mrs. Miller. And this is for you, Al.
Myrtle McKinley
Can you beat it, Myrtle? Can't even let people give them a birthday party without trying to top them. Oh, I think it's sweet. Hey, you're not falling for that big show off, are you? Of course not. But he is kind of nice. Look, Mert, I've seen dozens of guys like Frank Burt. Look at the way he throws his dough away. You think he was a millionaire? He says that's all part of the act. But you gotta put up a front. Look, honey, you're just plain dumb if you let yourself fall for a hoofer.
Frank Burt
And how are you, Sarah Bernhardt? Still tossing the bustle into the side row?
Myrtle McKinley
I'm dying laughing.
Frank Burt
There's a present for you over there. Aren't you curious?
Myrtle McKinley
Remember what I said, Myrtle?
Frank Burt
Some new red flannel. Sweetheart, you can throw yourself in for the winter.
Myrtle McKinley
You mad at me, friend?
Frank Burt
Sure, I'm mad. Who told you to do Burlington Birdie? That's my number.
Myrtle McKinley
I guess it was my own idea.
Frank Burt
Yeah, well, you were great. When'd you pick it up?
Myrtle McKinley
I've had to watch you for eight weeks, haven't I?
Frank Burt
Yeah, and I've been watching you too. You know something? You got more talent in your little finger than all these crows put together.
Myrtle McKinley
That's very nice of you.
Frank Burt
As a matter of fact, I got a funny notion we might do pretty good as a double.
Myrtle McKinley
A double?
Frank Burt
Sure. You and me together, you know, A team.
Myrtle McKinley
You really think I could?
Frank Burt
I think we'd knock them cold.
Myrtle McKinley
I. I just don't know what to say.
Frank Burt
Well, then don't say anything. Keep it under your hat. Leave it to me. We'll work something out together, see? And then we'll spring it on the boy. Well, what do you think? Is it a deal?
Myrtle McKinley
It's a deal. Oh, my. In a few weeks, Mother's name was on the posters in the lobby. Frank Vert, assisted by Myrtle McKinley. Though of course you had to look twice to find it. There was another man in there. So? Who was very fond of Mama. Roy Bivens. Roy kept telling her she was crazy to let Frank get away with it. That she really made his act. But that's not so, Roy. Frank's a star and I'm nobody. Besides, it's his act, and it was his idea.
Frank Burt
But you're established now, Myrtle. Here's your chance to go places and. Well, I could help you, Myrtle.
Myrtle McKinley
But Mother kept shaking her head no because as far as she was concerned, she'd already gone places. One night, she and Frank went to an Italian restaurant for supper. The bunch from the opera house were used to seeing Frank Burt walk in with a pretty girl. But somehow this was different. They were wise, even if he wasn't. That Mother had set her heart not on seeing her name in life but on seeing just how soon she could bring Frank Bird around to popping that all important question.
Frank Burt
Good evening, Senor Burt. Please. Please to sit down? Yes. Water? No, I want that.
Myrtle McKinley
Only joking, Mr. Kuchi. Spaghetti for two.
Frank Burt
Please, spaghetti. And you all put some of that good old hors meat car sauce on it. Col. I I Frank.
Myrtle McKinley
Bert, you're crazy.
Frank Burt
Stop what my father says. You know my father. He's a Dutchman. He hates the theater. Ach. What kind of a business is this? Attends to a kid. Listen, and speaking of jigging kid, I've been to wanting working on a new routine. How about meet me in the theater in the morning?
Myrtle McKinley
Frank, I'm not sure I'm going to stay in the show. Roy Bivens is going into a new musical comedy and he says he can get me a job.
Frank Burt
Oh, he does, does he?
Myrtle McKinley
Of course I don't want to quit, but, Well, I mean, just because you gave me my start is no reason why we should have to stay shackled together. I as though we were shackled together. Like people who are shackled.
Frank Burt
Who said anything about being shackled? Say, you're not falling for what a tenor tells you, are you?
Myrtle McKinley
I didn't say I was falling for it. I'm just thinking about it.
Frank Burt
Yeah, well, of course. I'd hate to lose you.
Myrtle McKinley
You would?
Frank Burt
Well, sure. No joke, breaking in a new partner.
Myrtle McKinley
Oh,
Frank Burt
maybe you would make a big name for yourself. Yeah, maybe Roy Bivens is right. The rat.
Myrtle McKinley
Then you think I should go?
Frank Burt
Well, you gotta think of yourself. But if anything goes wrong, you can always come back.
Myrtle McKinley
Thanks.
Frank Burt
There's one thing I want to get clear, though. This business between you and Lloyd Bivens is all business, isn't it? No monkey business, no funny business business. Just business business.
Myrtle McKinley
What's that to you? Nothing.
Frank Burt
I was just thinking about you.
Myrtle McKinley
Thinking about me? You never thought about anybody in your whole life excepting the great Frank Burt.
Frank Burt
Now, what makes you say that?
Myrtle McKinley
Why do you care about a partner anyway? Just somebody to dance with. I wasn't really going with Roy, but now I am. I'm sick of being taken for granted. Go on, get yourself a new partner. You can teach that new routine to her.
Frank Burt
What's got into you?
Myrtle McKinley
Some sense at last, which is more than you'll ever hear.
Frank Burt
Now, wait a minute, Myrtle. Put down that plate.
Myrtle McKinley
So Mother went away with the new show, her own act, singing and dancing. Oh, Frank missed her, all right, but he went right on alone doing the same old numbers and the same same old way and to the delight of the same old audience.
Frank Burt
Who has the sound that Mary Fe is due? Who makes life necessary? You do. And who can take my dreams and make my dreams come true? Now give me three guesses what will.
Myrtle McKinley
Then one Night. When Frank finished his act with the usual cartwheel into the wings and returned to the dressing room, he found someone waiting for him.
Frank Burt
Lionel. Well, I thought you were in Los Angeles. What happened? The show fold up?
Myrtle McKinley
Oh, the show's doing fine.
Frank Burt
Your tenor didn't start breathing down your neck, did he?
Myrtle McKinley
Not quite, but he asked me to marry him.
Frank Burt
Griffin's asked you to marry him?
Myrtle McKinley
Well, what's wrong with that? Some people do get married, you know.
Frank Burt
Well, what did you say?
Myrtle McKinley
I told him I'd have to think it over. Oh, Frank.
Frank Burt
Yeah?
Myrtle McKinley
You might as well know what really happened last week. The producer was watching me rehearse my dance. It has some of your steps in it.
Frank Burt
Oh, it has, huh?
Myrtle McKinley
Well, in fact, it practically the same dance, except that I do it alone. The producer didn't like it.
Frank Burt
Well, come on, don't be ashamed. I want to know the worst.
Myrtle McKinley
Well, Roy said when she really does it. Of course, this is just a rehearsal.
Frank Burt
Is that all?
Myrtle McKinley
Is that all? Why, I wanted to go right through the floor. Frank. I was doing my very, very best. I was dancing the way I always dance with you. I don't know what was wrong.
Frank Burt
I do. Look, Myrtle, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but when you dance with me. Well, what I mean is, when. When we dance together?
Myrtle McKinley
Yes, Frank.
Frank Burt
Well, when we dance together, it's just different.
Myrtle McKinley
How different, Frank?
Frank Burt
I don't know. We hit it off. Maybe we ought to stick together, you know, Shackles, married.
Myrtle McKinley
Right?
Frank Burt
Yeah. Well, it's an idea, isn't it? I'll work on it.
Myrtle McKinley
You'll work on it?
Frank Burt
Yeah.
Myrtle McKinley
Oh, I knew I shouldn't have come back humiliating myself.
Frank Burt
Take it easy, Murder.
Myrtle McKinley
I'll show you. You let me out of here. Help.
Frank Burt
Help. Cut it out, will you?
Myrtle McKinley
Let go of me.
Frank Burt
I'd have known you were going to behave like this. I never would have close to you in the first place. I'll give you a kiss.
Myrtle McKinley
Oh, Frank, if you don't.
Frank Burt
All right, I'll take one.
Myrtle McKinley
Oh, Frank. Burt, you left me.
Frank Burt
And another one.
Myrtle McKinley
Frank Burt.
Frank Burt
You and another
Myrtle McKinley
Mrs. Frank Burt.
Narrator/Announcer
This episode sponsored by She's Bertie. Every woman knows that feeling. And she's Bertie knows it, too. The just in case feeling. Just in case I hear something. Just in case someone tries the door. Just in case I need to wake up fast. It's not fear. It's awareness. And Birdie Box from She's Birdie was made for exactly that. Birdie Box is a portable travel door alarm designed by She's Bertie for hotels Dorms, Airbnbs, and anywhere you're staying away from home. It installs in seconds on the doorframe, and if the door is opened, it activates a loud siren and flashing strobe to help draw attention instantly. She's Bertie, because peace of mind should check in with you. Birdie box by she's birdie visit she'sbirdie.com that's S-H-E-S-B-I-R-I E.com and order your Birdie box before your next day away from home. Grainger knows when you're a procurement manager for an office park, you're not managing one building, you're managing all of them. And to stay ahead, you need to see through walls and around corners. Lights about to fail, filters ready to clog H Vac on its last leg. If you wait until something breaks, you're already behind. Count on Grainger for quality products, easy reordering and 24. 7 support. Call 1-800-granger click granger.com or just stop by Grainger for the ones who get it done.
Myrtle McKinley
Oh, my. And so they were married. Mother and Frank Burch. After the honeymoon, they went on the road with their new vaudevillet. Zero to a day, town after town, month after month, show after show. But always giving the audience everything they had.
Frank Burt
For all of the many reasons that
Myrtle McKinley
I've mentioned heretofore, my heart will always be in Kokomo.
Frank Burt
And of course, you know, the town of Pokemon will always be geographically, indefinitely, indubitably Indiana.
Myrtle McKinley
The new act was going over so well. Dad said they might even hit Broadway. It certainly suddenly Mother hadn't announced that she was going home to Grandma because of. Well, I believe the term is an act of God.
Frank Burt
Mert. Mert. You're kidding.
Myrtle McKinley
Oh, I am, am I? You think this was the first time anybody ever had a baby?
Frank Burt
Let's quit, Martin. We'll take a long vacation. No kid of mine is gonna be born in front of a backdrop.
Myrtle McKinley
Darling, I'm not going to take justification vacation. I'm going to quit for GR.
Frank Burt
Why, Myrtle McKinley.
Myrtle McKinley
Oh. I want my baby to have a home and a mother to take care of you.
Frank Burt
Yeah, but, Mer, you can get a
Myrtle McKinley
dozen partners as good as I am. Look, Frank, it's been wonderful together. But this is going to be even more wonderful. Ruby, the papa. We'll let you work and make the money to send home. Oh, darling, this is what I want wanted all of my life. And from now on, please, just let me be the mama.
Frank Burt
Sure, honey. This Way you'll be happy. Gosh. Frank Burt Jr.
Myrtle McKinley
Yes. Frank Jr. It was to have been. But under the circumstances, Mother thought that Iris would be a little more appropriate. Three years later, it was going to be Frank Jr. For sure. But again, under the circumstances, Mother thought Miriam would be more suitable. They compromised on calling me Mikey. We lived in Chicago then. Grandma, Mother, Iris and I. And in between seasons, dad. One day, I guess I was. It's a telegram. Myrtle. Why on earth did they ever invent these things? Scaring a body half out of their wit. Well, open it. Open it. You, Grandma, you. Open it. Oh, heavenly praise. Myrtle. At least the man's not dead. It's from Frank. Yes. I can't get a woman to replace. Meet me in Albany tomorrow. We'll be at. But the children. I can't just pack up and leave. The children won't starve. Besides, the idea of a married man traveling all over the country with a woman named Darling. Grandma, she's just part of his act. And you're his wife. And the wife's place is with her husband. But, honey, I've given up the stage. I haven't sung a note in six. Six years. And it's for dancing. If your dress is short enough, they'll never worry about your singing and dancing. Now, take a move back. Who knows how much I love you? You. No one means more to me than you do you take December and smiling into May and then December comes back all again when you're away who have a charm that very few do who makes life necessary? You do and who can and take my dream and make my dream come true. Don't give me free guesses One will
Frank Burt
do.
Myrtle McKinley
Of course, the inevitable happened. Once Mother was back in the act again, she couldn't quit. It was in her blood. Meanwhile, we were growing up, Iris and I. I remember the December when I was 10 years old. Mother and dad were booked in Boston. This is going to be our very first Christmas apart. What's wrong with you? Michael, dear, isn't it cold? You've got no Grandma. Oh, Grandma. Oh, there, there, child. I know, I know. But think of all the fun we'll be having at Christmas. Fun? Grandma, about Mother and Daddy. Why did they have to take a booking for Christmas week? Why, snow? Yes, the theaters close on Christmas. Oh, come now, girl. Just remember this. Dear Santa Claus, Santa Claus we'll send him a letter. Who knows what the good man will do when the facts are set before him? Grandma, what do you mean? Never mind what I mean. Boston is it Now a house. Hotel Boston. Of course. It's from the children, Frank. But the box says do not open until Christmas.
Frank Burt
Well, it'll be Christmas in one hour. And if you think I'm gonna wait. Ah, look. From Mikey. Merry Christmas to my father. A fine school these kids are going to look at that. Merry Me R Y Mark. Look, it's a painting. Just what I needed.
Myrtle McKinley
Greg.
Frank Burt
Yes?
Myrtle McKinley
Listen to my wonderful mother. There is no other like my mother. Her wine tinted lips. Her raven hair.
Frank Burt
Who? Since when?
Myrtle McKinley
Her beautiful arms. How I wish I was there. Oh.
Frank Burt
Oh, honey. Remember what you promised me?
Myrtle McKinley
I'm not crying. Who is it?
Frank Burt
I'll go. Mer. Iris. Mikey.
Myrtle McKinley
You monkey. You monkeys.
Frank Burt
How did you ever. Look at them? Mer, Take a look at.
Myrtle McKinley
It was all Grandma's idea. She made us try Santa Claus. But we wanted more. I just can't believe you're really here. Oh, Mother. Honeys, what happened to your clothes? You looked like you slept in them. We did. We were afraid to take them off. We were afraid we might not know when we got to Boston. Oh, Mother, your presents. You've opened them before Christmas. Oh, I know, dear, but we couldn't wait.
Frank Burt
Oh, it was all my fault. I said, oh, no, Daddy. All our presents for you and Mikey. We sent them to Chicago.
Myrtle McKinley
Not even a Christmas.
Frank Burt
Children.
Myrtle McKinley
We don't mind, Mother. Honestly. All we want is to be with you. Frank. Frank, where are you going? Honey, it's almost midnight. Everything will be closed.
Frank Burt
I'm surprised at you. I'm Santa Claus. I use chimneys.
Myrtle McKinley
Poor dad. He looked everywhere, but no presents. But he did come back with a Christmas tree. Yes. I bet we had the most expensive Christmas tree in Boston. It cost $100. $50 to the people and a $50 fine. Father had chopped it down on somebody's lawn. Mother always had one weakness she could never resist. The travel folder. Every summer she'd decide we needed complete change of environment. And one year she selected the most fashionable and according to the travel folder, the gayest of all summer resorts. Berkshire Highlands. I remember how excited we were as we walked into the hotel lobby. Daddy doing that cute little giggle here.
Frank Burt
Good morning. Good morning. Good morning, sir. I'm Frank Bird. I made reservations before column one. Oh, yes, Mr. Burt, will you sign the register, please? What's the matter?
Narrator/Announcer
Guest and the family this episode sponsored by She's Bertie. Every woman knows that feeling. And she's Bertie knows it too. The just in case feeling. Just in case I hear something. Just in case someone tries the door. Just in case I need to Wake up fast. It's not fear, it's awareness. And Birdie Box from She's Birdie was made for exactly that. Birdie Box is a portable travel door alarm designed by She's Birdie for hotels, dorms, Airbnbs and anywhere you're staying away from home. It installs in seconds on the door frame and if the door is opened, it activates a loud siren and flashing strobe to help draw attention instantly. She's Birdie because peace of mind should check in with you. Birdie Box by she's Bertie. Visit she-birdie.com that's S-H-E-S-B-I-R-I-E.com and order your Birdie box before your next day away from home. If the world were like a Sleep number mattress, everything would adapt for your comfort. Your coffee would never get cold, your flight would always be on time and your mattress would always respond to you and your unique sleep needs. Sleep number mattresses are designed to respond to your body and and shift with your changing life, helping you fall asleep faster and stay asleep longer. To experience a whole new world of comfort, visit a Sleep number store or go to sleepnumber.com sleep number to a good life sleep.
Frank Burt
I beg your pardon, sir. When do we view the remains? Won't the guest ever do anything here or say anything? Well, our guests seem to like the lobby, sir. They sit in the rocking chairs and rock. Sometimes they say good morning. Well now, that's right broad minded of m. Boys. Show the birds to their rooms, please. M Dead Pan Alley.
Myrtle McKinley
Now, Frank, these places are always much livelier at night. Come along, children. Here's the elevator. I'm.
Frank Burt
I'm terribly sorry. I must have tripped getting out of the elevator. Don't break your neck, kids. You'll never get any laughs on this joint.
Myrtle McKinley
In a sense, Mother was right. It was gayer at night. At night they turned on the light. Our first evening. We were sitting in the lobby along with all the other guests when father had what he thought was a brilliant idea.
Frank Burt
Come on, let's go over to the piano. Maybe we can liven this joint up a little.
Myrtle McKinley
That's a good idea, Mother. Everybody's looking at us since Wenden Athens not wanna be looked at.
Frank Burt
Yeah, you're right, kid. Especially at these prices.
Myrtle McKinley
How about Traa La Good.
Frank Burt
Hit it, Mark. Trollala or the Merry where we live in Trollala La La Awlin is yours and mine so wear a smile Sing a little while it's raining and see the Clouds and the sunshine La la la la what a little bit of trouble. You live and learn Things are gonna turn out fine Just feel that way and every little day will feel like spring it's not just ring rah lah
Myrtle McKinley
rah la la la la Come on,
Frank Burt
folks, let's have a little fun all you have to know is TRA la la la okay, mortal, hit it now, everybody. TRA la la la la we live in that's the spirit singing us all the listening to men's voices too. Double courage, Camille. Live and learn Things are gonna turn our minds Just feel that way and every little day will feel free if you just sing. Oh, you know something, Myrtle? If anyone speaks to me, I'm gonna keel over in a dead faint. What's the matter with you people?
Myrtle McKinley
Come on, Mikey. Let's go down and look at the fish pond. Who cares about goldfish? I'm gonna mount my ball. I. Well, no wonder. Look who's there. Who? As if you don't know. That boy who fell out of the elevator. Oh, that is Bob, isn't it? Mikey, darling, must you play with that silly old ball all the time? Iris, you delivery knocked that ball out of my hand. Be quiet.
Frank Burt
Oh, is this your ball?
Myrtle McKinley
Oh, thank you. It belongs to my little sister here. Thanks. You see, we have a silly old bet that she can't bounce it a hundred times without missing. Haven't we, darling? No. Now, Mikey, dear, could you run along and play? You want to know something? Me?
Frank Burt
Well, sure.
Myrtle McKinley
Iris wants to bounce it, too. I'm so sorry. You know how children are at that age.
Frank Burt
Are you enjoying it here, miss? Bert?
Myrtle McKinley
Iris. Bert. Oh, yes. Father and Mother were just remarking what a heavenly spot this is. They even said we might stay here all summer.
Frank Burt
What's happened down there?
Myrtle McKinley
Oh, no. It looks. Mikey, it's my sister. She's hurt herself. Are you sure you're all right, Mikey? How do you feel, darling? Oh, I'm fine now, Mother. What happened?
Frank Burt
Apparently, you were climbing a tree and you fell on your head.
Myrtle McKinley
Did I get a laugh when I fell? You couldn't make this bunch of long hairs laugh if you broke your neck. Frank, I've had all I can stand. Let's start packing. Mother, I'm not going to have our whole vacation ruined by staying here with these thick in the mud. I know why Iris doesn't want to go, sir. Stella, you hush up my teeth.
Frank Burt
What fellow?
Myrtle McKinley
Bob Parkman, of course. Certainly you've noticed a disgusting behavior. Mother, Bob's not at all like the Others, really. He isn't well, I'm not saying he to find out. His mother and father are in Europe, and he had to come here with his old tutor tonight.
Frank Burt
Come in, Mr. Burke.
Myrtle McKinley
No, Frankbert, behave yourself.
Frank Burt
Well, I told you I faint if anybody here ever spoke to me. Mr. And Mrs. Schneider and I. Well, we just thought we'd inquire how your little girl is. That was quite a fall.
Myrtle McKinley
Oh, yeah. We were so frightened. Oh, well, Mike is fine, thank you. Not just school.
Frank Burt
Looks like you're leaving, Mrs. Bird.
Myrtle McKinley
Packing your bag. I'll say we are.
Frank Burt
Oh, we were in hopes you. You stay and help give this place a little life.
Myrtle McKinley
Oh, here, please. We seen you the other night in the lobby. The piano. Ah. And they're singing.
Frank Burt
You see the folks here. Well, we've all been coming here so long and doing nothing. I guess we've just sort of dried up.
Myrtle McKinley
Oh, Mother, please stay.
Frank Burt
Oh, you're Mrs. Sturt.
Myrtle McKinley
We are all dried out. We all have such good times today. Together you made a first job singing.
Frank Burt
Well, what do you say, Mer? We played the tougher audiences than this. Never walked out on them.
Myrtle McKinley
Well, kids. Yes, I guess we say. We. We stayed a whole month at Berkshire Highlands. And with Father and mother taking over, everybody had a wonderful time. Mother's faith in her travel folders was triumphantly restored. And even Father admitted it was the gayest of all summer resorts. Iris spent most of her time with that rich Klarkman boy. The night before we left, I overheard mother and father in the next room. Frank? Frank, are you still awake? Peter. Frank, I've been thinking about Iris. About her future.
Frank Burt
What future?
Myrtle McKinley
Oh, about the kind of people she goes with. Things like that.
Frank Burt
What's wrong with the people here bring you all with?
Myrtle McKinley
Oh, nothing. Except. Well, I was wondering if maybe we haven't been a little selfish.
Frank Burt
Well, us selfish?
Myrtle McKinley
Making the children lead our kind of life.
Frank Burt
What do they want now? The trouble with those kids is they've had too much.
Myrtle McKinley
Are you trying to say our girls are spoils?
Frank Burt
Mean. You didn't know it, Frank. Burt.
Myrtle McKinley
Of all the sweet, normal, unspoiled children.
Frank Burt
Okay, skip it.
Myrtle McKinley
Well, now, for one thing, there's school.
Frank Burt
They go to school.
Myrtle McKinley
I was thinking maybe about a. A boarding school. And after that, college.
Frank Burt
If Mikey makes college, I'll eat my sombrero.
Myrtle McKinley
The stage is all right for us, dear. We love it. But they're entitled to meet nice young girls and boys their own age who are interested in other things. Like. Well, like books and things like that.
Frank Burt
All Right. We'll give them a book. Two books. One for each pooh.
Myrtle McKinley
Frank, you're just being stubborn. Iris is growing up. She's beginning to think about boys.
Frank Burt
Are you talking about that wobbly legged goof that looks like he's gonna break into a run every time you look at him?
Myrtle McKinley
He's not a goof. Bob's a wonderful boy.
Frank Burt
He's a goof. I'll bet if I said boo to him.
Myrtle McKinley
Don't you dare.
Frank Burt
Would you mind telling me what we're fighting about?
Myrtle McKinley
Oh, go to sleep, darling. We'll talk about it when we get home, okay? Well, they did talk it over. And as usual, Mother allowed Dad to convince her that she'd been right all along. The following September, our hearts and our throats. They enrolled Iris and me in Ms. Ridgway's exclusive book school for young ladies. And just remember, darlings, we'll be back to visit the very first chance we can.
Frank Burt
You're darn prudent.
Myrtle McKinley
Don't forget about hanging up your clothes. And you'll be good girls. We will, Mother.
Frank Burt
Yeah, and bear down on your algebra. After all, look how well I speak it.
Myrtle McKinley
Goodbye, Daddy. Goodbye.
Frank Burt
Goodbye, honey.
Myrtle McKinley
When Easter vacation came, Iris and I took the train.
Frank Burt
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Narrator/Announcer
Casino from Geico Subconscious News, I'm Tammy Racing thoughts broadcasting from your brain. Tonight's top worry. If something happens to your apartment and you need to, like, stay in a hotel and pay for it. That would be crazy, right? Art Palpitations has more.
Frank Burt
That would be crazy, Tammy. But you got surprisingly affordable renters Inside Insurance through Geico so it could be covered, giving you peace of mind.
Narrator/Announcer
Aw, I love a story that ends well.
Frank Burt
Next up, love stories. Are they all they're cracked up to be?
Narrator/Announcer
It feels good to worry less. It feels good to geico.
Myrtle McKinley
I was to join Mother and Father in Pittsburgh, and Iris was to come on later. He and some other girls from school and Bob Kaufman and some other boys from college were all going to Westchester The Crackmans were giving me this information house party and naturally Bob invited Iris. After a couple of hours on the train, Bob produced the ukularity.
Frank Burt
All right, Iris, you're the singer in our mid. How about a song?
Myrtle McKinley
Well, how about Swinging down the Lane? Wonderful. Go ahead, Iris. Everybody hand in hand Everybody feels and drag queen. Just about then a man and woman came through the car. They were theatrical people, all right. And maybe they had a little too much to drink. Anyway, when they heard the singing, they joined right in.
Frank Burt
Like we used to do. When the moon is on the way
Myrtle McKinley
Till I wait long. Something, kid. Bring it down the Lane happens to be one of our numbers.
Frank Burt
Yeah, that's right, kids. We've been eating off it for two years.
Myrtle McKinley
Yeah. Oh, my voice isn't slowing. You know, I'm one of those I don't care for you all hip. Who cares about the voice.
Frank Burt
Ah, don't you believe it, kid. Why, Lil here had one of the sweetest hog calling voices in Missouri. That's before I roped her and put shoes on.
Myrtle McKinley
Ed, you fool. Say, kids, you know something? You can sick. Oh, I can't really. Oh, the heck you.
Frank Burt
Well, kids, we'd like to say, but we've got to get off the next time.
Myrtle McKinley
Yeah, you know how these trains are. They don't stop in these hick towns long enough to get your breath. Especially in these courses. You know what I mean? Well, so long, everybody.
Frank Burt
Don't you wish that we wouldn't.
Myrtle McKinley
Where'd you.
Frank Burt
Boy, were they hams, imagine, barking in
Myrtle McKinley
on us like that.
Frank Burt
Did you ever hear such a laugh in your life? And that makeup.
Myrtle McKinley
Why do all actors have to be such show off?
Frank Burt
I don't know, but they all are.
Myrtle McKinley
I saw the look that came over Iris's face. A look that said, not that mother and dad were like that couple, but they were actors. And not the kind of people you talked about when you were with girls from Miss Ridgeway School and boys from Harvard. Some months later, Iris and I had an unexpected telegram. Well, go on, Iris, finish reading it. It says we've been keeping it a great secret. But now you can know. Dad and I have arranged a booking in the very town where your school is. Mikey, they're going to play here. Oh, boy, that's wonderful. But they can't, Mikey. They mustn't. Iris, you're ashamed for them to come. I'm not. That's not. Not it at all. Just that. Oh, why do they have to spoil everything? You are ashamed. Ashamed of Mother and Daddy. Oh, Iris, Come in. Mother. Hello, darling. Mother, what are you doing here? Your telegram. Next week. I know, but Mikey wired us that you weren't feeling well. Did Daddy come too? Yes. He'll be in to visit later. Nothing, Mother. I just don't feel well. Iris, I know what it is. Mikey did this. Mikey told you? Mikey loves you, dear. She only did what she thought was best. Oh, I wish I'd never come here. But you love. I hate it. You think your friends will stop liking me because your mother and father are on the stage? Oh, Mother, it's not that. It's not you and Daddy. You're the sweetest people in the whole world. But people on the stage are not as refined as your friends. Is that it? I wish you could see some of their homes and how their fathers and mothers like God's father and mother. They're so nice, Mother, and. And dignified. They want me to visit them again and. Oh, Mother, you don't hate me, do you? Of course not, darling. You know I love you and Daddy. Yes, I know. Don't worry, dear. We'll figure it out some way. Now, get dressed. You don't want Daddy to see you looking like a ghost, do you?
Frank Burt
You're sure it's all right if we take the kids out for dinner, Ms. Ridgway?
Myrtle McKinley
Of course. I left wed for Iris to meet you here in my office. About this other matter, though, I'm sure lots of other girls go through a phase like this. Ms. Ridgway, Iris is just a little mixed up.
Frank Burt
I'll say she's mixed up.
Myrtle McKinley
Frank, please. I'm grateful to you, Mrs. Burt, for telling me all this. I know what it must have meant to you. How simple it would have been for
Frank Burt
you and your husband just to have
Myrtle McKinley
cancelled your engagement here in town. Then you'll help us? I think we can stretch our rules. The culprit. Thank you.
Frank Burt
Okay. But if you want my advice, I think.
Myrtle McKinley
Excuse me. Yes? May I come in? This Ridgeway. Oh, Iris, come in. Hello, Daddy.
Frank Burt
Hello, Iris.
Myrtle McKinley
You're feeling better now? Yes, I think so. I'm glad to hear that. I know how. How terribly disappointed you'd be not to be able to go to the theater on Friday to see your mother's and father's performance. Isn't it nice of Miss Ridgeway, dear? She's going to let you bring your whole class to see us. Oh, Mother, how could you? They were all there that Friday. Ms. Ridgeway, Iris, Henry and the girls in her class. Mother and dad did their usual acts. No changes. They were Burton McKinley and this was it. Father did Burnington Birdie and fell in the drum. And mother did her dance routine. And then they went into their finale. Wish I were back again with all the sweet and sensible folks at home again in Otomo, Indiana.
Frank Burt
Well, if it isn't Pop and hi and Arm. You always had the cutest grin in Kokomo, Indiana.
Myrtle McKinley
Just look at rover Waggy's tailgar. He remembers me.
Frank Burt
And get a lot of Sister Gray.
Myrtle McKinley
You can't see the freckle for the jam on her face.
Frank Burt
How would you like to go see that old Wabash povo you used to know in Kokomo, Indiana?
Myrtle McKinley
Wouldn't you just as soon go out and boom beneath the Hoosier moon?
Frank Burt
Oh, what a moon. For all of the many reasons that I've mentioned heretofore My heart will always be in Kokomo. And of course you know the town of Kokomo will always be a geographically indefinitely, indefinitely indefinite. Deanna. What do you think, Mert?
Myrtle McKinley
I don't know. The rest of the audience seems like,
Frank Burt
come on, let's pick a bomb.
Myrtle McKinley
Quit. They. Oh, yes. You must be jolly prouder than two Iris. I am. The whole class thought Mother and Father were just as wonderful as I knew they were. And they told Iris so. But I was never sure of just what Iris feelings were. Until June came and Iris was up on the stage along with the other graduates. Bob Clarken is in the audience. And of course, Mother and Dad bursting with pride when Mrs. Ray moved. And now it gives me great pleasure to present the highest honor student in our school of music, Ms. Iris Burch. Look at Bob, Mommy. This shouldn't apply so loudly, should he? I have a feeling we're going to see a lot of that young man.
Frank Burt
For now he has a funny.
Myrtle McKinley
Ladies and gentlemen, I suppose I really ought to do a school song. But please, with your permission, I'd like to sing a song especially for my mother and father.
Frank Burt
Word.
Myrtle McKinley
A song they introduced in vaudeville many years ago.
Frank Burt
What's the matter with you?
Myrtle McKinley
I can't help it, Tom. I'm so happy. Knows how much I love you. You do? No one means more to me than you do you take December and smile it into May and then December December comes back again when you're away who has a charm that buries? You do. Who makes life necessary? You do. And who? You can take my dreams and make my dreams come true. Don't give me three guesses. One will do.
Frank Burt
How do you like that, Myrtle? Another star in the family.
Myrtle McKinley
And Iris was a star. She still is. Though, of course, in private life she's Mrs. Robert Clarkman. But then, I'm sure you suspected that all along. As for me, well, I didn't take to the stage. I've been too busy at home. That and taking the children out to see their grandparents every Sunday. They're on the front porch now, as usual. Mother nicking. Daddy sound asleep with the funny papers in his lap. Frank. Frank, you better clean up, dear. The family will be out soon.
Frank Burt
Oh, where are my glasses?
Myrtle McKinley
On your forehead, as usual.
Frank Burt
Oh, where is my pipe?
Myrtle McKinley
Where you put it, dear. Anything else?
Frank Burt
Yep.
Myrtle McKinley
What?
Frank Burt
Yes.
Myrtle McKinley
Well, what do you know.
Frank Burt
Them to the footlights for a bow. Dan Daly and Misty Gaynor. And you work just as smoothly together as you did. And there's no business like show business. Except for one small detail, Irving. What is that? And there's no business like show business. I play Misty's father. I prefer being her husband. You're a little too late, Dan. Missy just acquired a husband. Our congratulations to him, Missy.
Myrtle McKinley
Thank you, Irving. But that's the fun of show business. You can be a wife in one picture and a daughter in the next.
Frank Burt
Well, as long as you're always a luck girl. Cat Night Where John Banks. There's Mikey Janine Ruth as Iris, Isa Ashton as More Mikey as a child, Johnny McGovern as Bob, Yvonne Patey as Ms. Ridgeway, Ruth Paris as Grandma and Jack Crucian. Charlotte Lawrence, Jordan Williams, Sam Edwards, Gigi Pearson, Herb Butterfield, Mary Lou Harrington, Joe Forte, Edith Ongo, George Neese and Eddie Marr. Our radio play was adapted by S.H. barnett and our music was directed by Rudy Schrager.
Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Date: July 23, 2026
Adaptation: Based on the 1947 musical film Mother Wore Tights
Stars: Dan Dailey, Mitzi Gaynor
Host/Producer: Irving Cummings
This episode features a radio adaptation of the beloved musical Mother Wore Tights on the legendary "Lux Radio Theatre." The story is a warm-hearted look back at the life of a vaudeville family, as recounted by the daughter of two showbiz parents. It blends nostalgia, romance, humor, and the challenges of balancing domestic life with the limelight of the stage. The episode showcases classic musical numbers, comedic moments, and heartfelt family drama, highlighting the unique spirit of early 20th-century entertainment and family values.
[27:47 – 30:58] Emotional Christmas separated by bookings, only to be sweetly reunited by a surprise visit. Frank's ill-fated attempt to find presents results in a comical, expensive Christmas tree.
Myrtle’s love of travel brings memorable, awkward vacation scenes in staid resorts, leading the family to liven up the conservative hotel guests through song and play.
"Mother Wore Tights" on Lux Radio Theatre is a classic, heartfelt slice of Americana, celebrating the joys and challenges of a showbiz family across generations. It deftly balances lighthearted humor, romance, struggles, and musical numbers—giving listeners both a glimpse into the vaudeville era and a timeless portrait of familial love and acceptance.