15 Storeys High 1999-12-15 The New Sofa

Summary

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15 Storeys High – "The New Sofa" (Broadcast: December 15, 1999)

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Date: September 16, 2025

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Overview

This episode features an audio comedy from the series 15 Storeys High, starring Sean Lock. Set in a London tower block, the story follows the misadventures of Sean and his flatmate Errol as they contend with life's minor frailties and a critical piece of soft furniture—Sean's much-maligned sofa. The episode's comedic heart revolves around everyday frustrations, dry banter, and surreal escalations as an unwanted couch becomes both an albatross and a work of modern art.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Introduction to the Block and Main Characters

• Opening Narrative: The setting is established as a tower block in South London, with tongue-in-cheek references to misery and sculpture, poking fun at stereotypes of urban decay.
  • "A tower block. You're thinking urban decay, dampness, despair. But no, they've got a lovely bit of sculpture." [00:16]
• Errol's Tape to Mum: Errol tries to practice pipe-smoking and Cherokee, cluing listeners into his well-meaning but hapless personality.
  • "Thanks for sending me Granddad's old pipe... I'm also learning some Cherokee so I can talk to your new boyfriend at Christmas." [00:26]

Sean's Domestic Gloom & The Problematic Sofa

• Sean's Frustrations: The sofa is uncomfortable, uncomfortable crisps spark monologues on consumer injustice, and Sean’s irascibility is on full display.
  • "You can't let these people just walk all over you. This bloody sofa." [02:41]
• Retaliatory Plans: Sean hatches a complicated scheme for Errol to impersonate him and complain to the shopkeeper.
  • "You're pretending to be me... I know. Why don't you take a photo of me so you can point to it when you're doing the mug bit?" [02:13]

Selling the Sofa

• Sofa Ad: Sean’s attempt to sell the sofa in Loot magazine becomes existentially absurd.
  • "Sofa for sale. Blue three seater, 100 pound... Just put Labyrinth." [06:09]

The Saga of Second-hand Sofas and Strange Exchanges

• Absurd Alternatives: Errol reads out bizarre classified ads, and Sean rejects all suspect or bizarrely cheap options.
  • "Slightly singed two seat sofa. Ideal for Kids to play on or dog to give birth. Eight pounds smack." [06:59]

Pipe Smoking & Surreal Detours

• Pipe-smoking Lessons: Errol plays the ‘advanced pipe smoking’ tape, encountering Jack Hargreaves (tongue-in-cheek), who is, as the tape says, "dead now," but eager to teach.
  • "Hello, I'm Jack Hargreaves. I'm dead now... wrap your lips around the stem and draw on it as if you were sucking pâté out of a water pistol." [07:39, 08:33]

Unusual Encounters & Domestic Farce

• Gasman Scene: A hapless meter reader is forced into a bath and has his clothes burned by Sean, lampooning bureaucratic and hygienic paranoia.
  • "Bath first, meter later. Are you clean yet?" [09:45]
  • "Where are my clothes? – I burnt them." [10:04]
• Errol's Cherokee: Earnest yet out-of-place attempts at speaking Cherokee for good wishes to Sean.
  • "Mori chaya hakameti... It's Cherokee. It means dawn is broken. May your belly be full and the wolves live in fear of your shadow." [10:12]

The Art of the Deal: Selling the Sofa

• A Sale, With a Twist: The sofa is bought for 75 scratch cards, which Sean immediately regrets.
  • "No, no, I want cash. Take it, take it, take it... This is an exciting way of buying and selling." [11:57]
  • "How much? What do we get? – 50p." [13:24]
• Sean's Resigned Acceptance:
  • "Yeah, I did have a sofa. Now I've got a pile of metal shavings." [13:39]

The Remote Control & Sofa, Lost and Found

• Lost Remote/Escalating Absurdity: Sean realizes his precious remote is gone and launches into an ever more ludicrous investigation, including identifying the sofa's buyer, now celebrated artist Debbie.
  • "Well, normally it goes down the back of the sofa, but we sold that." [15:19]
• Tattoo Mishap: Sean gets tattooed ('Satan') during a misadventure at a tattoo parlor.
  • "I've got Satan on my ass." [18:14]
  • Hilarity ensues as Errol wonders about reporting it, while Sean despairs about his romantic and geriatric prospects.

The Sofa as Art: Confrontation at the Gallery

• Sofa is Art: Sean and Errol find Debbie at a gallery; their old sofa is now a contemporary art installation with all its found detritus displayed.
  • "But all that stuff you got laid out, that was down the back of my sofa." [23:48]
  • "It now belongs to the Saatchi Collection." [23:52]
• Satirical Climax: Sean rails against the pretensions of the art world and Debbie is called out for falsifying the exhibit's 'urban misery,' since his life is deemed too mundane.
  • "If you did it, it would be spring cleaning." [24:25, Debbie]
  • "You're a liar and a cheat." [26:03, Sean]

Wrap-up: Cyclical Frustration

• Return to Domesticity: Sean and Errol share sad beans and chicken. Sean remains convinced Errol stole his share.
  • "How many bits of chicken you had?" [27:14]
  • "Well, you've got Satan tattooed on your ass." [27:31, Errol]
• The episode closes where it began—in existential bickering, household annoyances, and understated, bleak British humor.

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Memorable Quotes & Notable Moments

• "You're pretending to be me... I know. Why don't you take a photo of me so you can point to it when you're doing the mug bit?" – Sean [02:13]
• "You can't let these people just walk all over you. This bloody sofa." – Sean [02:41]
• "Just put Labyrinth." – Sean’s anticlimactic classified ad [06:09]
• "I'm Jack Hargreaves. I'm dead now." – Pipe-smoking tape [07:39]
• "Wrap your lips around the stem and draw on it as if you were sucking pâté out of a water pistol." – Jack Hargreaves [08:33]
• "Bath first, meter later. Are you clean yet?" – Sean [09:45]
• "I've got Satan on my ass." – Sean’s tattoo mishap [18:14]
• "But all that stuff you got laid out, that was down the back of my sofa." – Sean confronts Debbie [23:48]
• "If you did it, it would be spring cleaning." – Debbie [24:25]
• "Well, you've got Satan tattooed on your ass." – Errol sums up Sean’s misfortune [27:31]

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Important Timestamps & Segments

• 00:16 – Introduction to the tower block and its dreary stereotypes.
• 02:13 – Sean and Errol conspire about the crisp complaint.
• 06:09 – The bizarre sofa sale classified ad.
• 09:45 – Sean’s obsessive cleansiness with the gasman.
• 11:57 – Sofa is sold for scratch cards.
• 15:19 – Realization remote is missing.
• 18:14 – Sean discovers ‘Satan’ tattoo.
• 23:48 – Discovery of the sofa as art at the gallery.
• 24:25 – Satirical conversation on what makes art.
• 27:14 – Sean and Errol argue over chicken pieces.
• 27:31 – Episode ends with Errol’s perfectly timed quip.

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Tone, Style & Humour

• The humor is dry, deadpan, and laden with British understatement.
• Dialogue is quick, overlapping, and packed with self-deprecation and mundane absurdities.
• Satirical elements poke fun at art pretension, bureaucracy, modern living, and interpersonal ineptitude.

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Conclusion

This uproarious episode lampoons urban life, modern art, and the minutiae of daily existence. 15 Storeys High combines biting observational comedy with escalating, surreal mishaps. The sofa—at first a mere inconvenience—becomes a totem of frustration, a symbol of the characters’ struggles, and finally, the centerpiece of a satire on cultural pretension. The episode’s circular structure, ending much as it began, brings home the futility and gentle pathos at the heart of Sean and Errol’s lives: "Well, you've got Satan tattooed on your ass."

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Transcript

[A]

Sean Locke's 15 stories high.

[B]

London South.

[A]

A tower block. You're thinking urban decay, dampness, despair. But no, they've got a lovely bit of sculpture. Of course, some people are never happy. Flat 76. Hello, Mum. It's Errol, your youngest son with the lisp. Oh, no, that's Barry. I thought I'd make you this tape because I'm not very good at writing and I know how you love to hear what I'm up to. Thanks for sending me Granddad's old pipe. Of course, I'll learn to smoke it. The stem was still a bit wet, which reminded me of his slack old mouth and the saliva bubbles that used to gather at the corners. I haven't listened to the instruction tape yet. I'm waiting for the right moment. I'm also learning some Cherokee so I can talk to your new boyfriend at Christmas. Anyway, I have to stop for a bit. Sean's twisted his ankle at the pool. He's a lifeguard and he fell out with that big chair. He dozed off during a swim.

[B]

A thon.

[C]

So, Sandy, your next word is pan cot.

[B]

Errol, chuck us the remote.

[A]

Where is it?

[B]

By the telly. I threw it at Rulonenska.

[D]

Come with me to a naval dockyard during the Napoleonic. Hurry up. While surveying the fleet. Nelson would have used a Pancot.

[B]

Oh, thanks, mate. I don't know what I'd do without you. Can you pass me that cushion? Yep. And an apple.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Could you put these tissues in the bin?

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Thanks. You go to the shop? Yeah. Great. Take these crisps back to their stale and tell him, have I got mug written on my forehead? Out of date crisps. I mean it. Get right close up to his face and let him know he's not dealing with a mug. But remember, you're pretending to be me. So tell him it's not you, that's telling him. You think he thinks you're a mug. It's me being impersonated by you. I know. Why don't you take a photo of me so you can point to it when you're doing the mug bit? There's one in the toilet.

[A]

I don't think I can do that. I can't get as angry as you can, Sean. Well, not about crisps.

[B]

It's not just crisps. That's just the thin end of the wedge. Next thing, you buy a Sunday paper. There'll be no supplement about economic opportunities in the Yemen. You can't let these people just walk all over you. This bloody sofa.

[A]

Look, I can't say it. I know, I know. Hang on, I'll get me tape recorder. You tell him on tape. And I'll play it back to him and hold up the photograph.

[B]

All right? All right. But one of these days, Errol, you'll have to learn to stand up for yourself.

[A]

But I'm standing up for you.

[B]

Right, ready? Oh, hello. Remember me? I bought these crisps. At this point you have to hold up the crisps. I bought these crisps. They were stale, horrible. How dare you? Have I got mug written on my forehead? I want another packet now. That ought to do the trick. And get a copy of Loot while you're there. I'm gonna sell this sofa. It's driving me mad.

[A]

Right, flat 22, gold finger. Who's a man? A man with a heart of gold. It's just too gold. Oh. Oh, no. What am I doing? Hello, is that the Performing Rights Society? Yes, it's Alfie. Hello, Janet. I've only gone and done it again. Goldfinger from the James Bond film. How much do I owe you? I can't believe I slipped up that easily. Does Shirley get any of the money? Oh, that's a shame.

[B]

Sofa for sale. Bluey greeny grey. Colour, Comfortable, amusing. Would suit person who works away from home a lot. Or Tom and Jerry fan. All right, Errol? Did you get me crisps?

[A]

Yeah, got crisps, loot.

[B]

What's that?

[A]

It's a picture of Sanjay.

[B]

Who are the other people?

[A]

Oh, it's his family. It's a wedding photograph. Anyway, you gotta listen to this, Sean.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, it's Sanjay from around the.

[B]

Corner of the shop. Yeah.

[C]

Now, hope that this packet of crisp you got reaches you in satisfactory condition.

[B]

Yeah. And in future, don't come in my shop again.

[A]

Flat 43.

[C]

What is that?

[D]

Monkfish parcel stuffed with chestnuts and wild mushrooms.

[C]

Chestnuts?

[D]

Thought we'd try something different.

[C]

Different?

[D]

Instead of the usual Usual? Took me three hours.

[B]

Took.

[D]

I followed the rest of it followed from a cookbook.

[C]

What makes you think you can cook?

[B]

Hello. I want to advertise my sofa. Okay. Right, Sofa for sale. Blue three seater, 100 pound. How many words I've got left? One. All right, better not waste it. Just put Labyrinth.

[A]

Hey, Sean, some fantastic bargains in here. Look, 200 CDs for sale. All hit albums. 25 pounds. Nipple, full size smoother table. Full size snooker table with cues and balls. £130. Butterscotch wedding dress, size 18, never worn. £200.

[B]

Bastard. Any sofas in there?

[A]

Yeah, slightly singed two seat sofa. Ideal for Kids to play on or dog to give birth. Eight pounds smack.

[B]

No, no, no. Eight pound sofa. Have too many stories to tell. I want to get something decent with no history. I can't lie on this anymore. It's like being at a prodigy sound check. I'm going to bed.

[A]

Hey, do you want a waffle?

[B]

What sort have you got?

[A]

Plane?

[B]

No. Oh, my leg.

[A]

Oh, brilliant. I can play that tape now.

[D]

Advanced pipe smoking, lesson one.

[E]

Hello, I'm Jack Hargreaves. I'm dead now.

[B]

But before I go.

[E]

I'd like to pass on over 50 years of puffin. Know how. So let's begin. Hopefully you've got your hands on the king of pipes, the Henderson Sovereign with its legendary four inch bowl. Now cut off a nice lump of Dombey's number eight Penang.

[B]

Shaggy.

[E]

Now pack it down into the bowl with your thumb. See figure three. Go on, son, give it some. Go on. Go on. Now, a couple of drops of port over the mixture. Trust me. Now, strike one, Hoxton sure fire. And lay gently over this magnificent shack. Oh, oh, oh, no. Wrap your lips around the stem and draw on it as if you were sucking pate out of a water pistol.

[A]

Oh, oh, oh. Flat 59.

[B]

Who is it?

[C]

Gas. Come to read your meter. Hello, Mr. Roberts.

[B]

Wipe your feet properly. No, harder. Go on, harder. No, that's no good sitting. Shoes off. And your socks.

[A]

No, no, no.

[B]

I'll tell you what. Jump in a bath.

[C]

Just want to read your meter.

[B]

Bath first, meet her later. Are you clean yet?

[C]

I think so.

[B]

Just in case, use this. What is it? Don't worry about that. Special. When you dry, put this on.

[A]

Mr. Roberts, where are my clothes?

[B]

I burnt them.

[A]

Mori chaya hakameti.

[B]

What does that mean?

[A]

Oh, it's Cherokee. It means dawn is broken. May your belly be full and the wolves live in fear of your shadow. It was the nearest I could find to. Good morning. Anyway. How's your uncle?

[B]

He's fine. Pasta jam. What flavor is this? Plain. I'll get it.

[D]

Hi. I've come about the sofa. Maybe I've got the wrong flat.

[B]

What are you wearing? Sorry, I've just woken up. Come in, come in.

[D]

Is it?

[B]

No, it's the one sticking out of the teacup in my bedroom. Sorry. Sorry, I just got up. Yeah.

[D]

Seen better days.

[B]

Yeah? Yeah. I've dished out a few Porsches. It's very comfortable. Yeah.

[D]

Just imagine you sitting here with a can of lager, watching the Bill.

[A]

Football, other documentaries.

[D]

Safe and secure, ignoring the harsh realities of urban life. 80 quid waiting for Some tipsy girl or a bet to come in, eh?

[B]

Eh? 75.

[D]

Well, just relaxing in your man made tracksuit.

[B]

But do you want it or not?

[C]

Well, Mr. Roberts, that's the meter done. Thanks for the pyjamas. In the future, if you'd rather pay by direct debit, we can send you a form and you put in your bank details. Oh, excuse me.

[B]

Dirty.

[D]

Right, Therehere you are. 75 scratch cards.

[A]

Brilliant.

[B]

No, no, I want cash. Take it, take it, take it, take it.

[D]

This is an exciting way of buying and selling. Let's face it, no one else is.

[B]

Gonna buy it, all right?

[A]

Oh, we're gonna be rich.

[D]

Look, I'll pick it up tomorrow, okay?

[B]

No, no, no, you've got to take it now.

[D]

Well, I haven't got the van.

[B]

I don't care. I don't want your sofa cluttering up my living room. This isn't some lock up garage. I live here. You can't just dump furniture in the middle of my flat, love.

[D]

I live in sordid. I came on the bus.

[B]

I don't care.

[D]

Well, all right, I'll take it now.

[B]

Bloody hell.

[D]

You open the door for me.

[A]

Look at her calves.

[B]

Oh, no. Oh.

[D]

Oh.

[A]

Ichi kawawa, kataka kawawa.

[B]

What does that mean?

[A]

Oh, it's Cherokee for typical.

[B]

How much? We won't.

[A]

Nothing. Oh, it doesn't matter, we've got one left. Ship, ship, ship, ship, ship, ship, ship.

[B]

How much? What do we get?

[A]

50P. Oh, I knew we'd win.

[B]

We haven't won, Errol, you can't win. That's why they let you play.

[A]

Do you think we should have asked for cash?

[B]

Yeah, in hindsight.

[A]

Oh, Sean, don't get depressed.

[B]

It's only things. Yeah, I did have a sofa. Now I've got a pile of metal shavings.

[A]

Exactly. With a scrap value of over three quid. Right, well, that's the undercoat. Down for the gloss. Oh, what a lovely white. It's almost ivory. Albany and ivory live together in perfect harmony. Side by side of my.

[D]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, no, not again. Oh, what am I doing? Hello, Janet, it's me, Alfred. Fine, thanks. I've just finished the undercoat. Yeah, it's lovely. You'll never guess what. Ebony and ivory. I don't know what came over me. How much do I owe you? Nothing. Oh, so it's covered under the Beatles blanket agreement. Hey, I'm glad I signed that. That's a bargain, really. £5amonth. Anyway, ta rah. We all live in.

[B]

Well, try. Try the fridge Katsay. Well, bread bin. I'll put it in there a few times. I can't think of where else it could be. We all have to sit by the telly and do it by hand. Speak English.

[A]

Where do you normally lose it?

[B]

Well, normally it goes down the back of the sofa, but we sold that. Oh, hold on. I don't believe it. I mean, I can't live without a remote.

[A]

We could try and find her.

[B]

No, no, I'm too busy. Got my out pledge drawing pins, syrup. What do you do with that stuff?

[A]

Nothing, I just like it.

[B]

And I got to take those crutches back, get the deposit. Have you seen that receipt?

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw it on the sofa yesterday.

[B]

Yeah, she's very tall, mousy brown hair, wearing a cropped brown duffel coat, grey nylon trousers, got black shoes on. I don't know. Weird. And she got a fawn snood. But it's not snood. It's got a hood but hasn't got. It's weird thing. I don't know.

[C]

Nah, mate, no, don't ring any bells. Well, look, did she have any distinguishing marks?

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah. On her calf she got a tattoo of an owl in combat gear.

[B]

Nah, nah.

[C]

Now try the tattoo parlour round the corner.

[D]

Ah.

[B]

Ah.

[C]

Here you go, Colin. Come back next week. I put your spider on it. What are you staring at?

[B]

Nothing. Nothing. I was just looking at all the drawings all over your face.

[C]

What's wrong with that, then?

[B]

Great. Great. I really like the one of Ann Widdicombe on a motorbike.

[C]

That's the Elvis.

[B]

So, I was wondering if you could help us. No.

[C]

Lisa. Want a tattoo?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. No, I want a tattoo. Well, say I. It's my friend here. Something small, unobtrusive, you know, cheap.

[C]

I can do you this. A beetle stuck in a ring pool. Or you can just have Bob.

[B]

Nah, his name's Errol. I don't mind.

[A]

What are you doing?

[C]

A lot of people don't respect body art. They think they can come in here and have a laugh if the freak and just walk out the door. Of course, eventually the freak will freak out and do something he shouldn't.

[B]

Look, mate, you better turn around, open that door and say sorry or I'm gonna have to dish out the mother of all beatings.

[C]

Jesu. Come here. Come over here. I'll get you.

[B]

Now. Stop him.

[C]

Errol.

[B]

Stop.

[C]

It's not working.

[B]

Stop. We're hitting. It's in a Sunday. Oh, thanks, mate. Maniac tried to tattoo me he did tattoo you. What's he done?

[A]

Lean forward. S, A, T, A. And I think it's an end.

[B]

I've got Satan on my ass.

[A]

Shall I call the police?

[B]

No. I don't want anyone to know about this. This will ruin my life. What are you doing?

[A]

I'm opening and closing drawers.

[B]

This is awful. I'm gonna have to stop going swimming, Going to the sauna, mooning. No woman's gonna be interested in a man with Satan tattooed across his buttocks. What about when I'm old and I'm 80 and a young nurse has given me a bed bath? She thinks I'm a sweet old man till she rolls me over. And then from then on, it's cold flannels and no visitors. Or I take up Morris dancing as some joker at a country fake decides to drop a ferret down my trousers. I'm left with two choices. Either get my privates gnawed off or reveal the mark of Lucifer.

[A]

Hey, found it. Her name is Debbie Cokinson. She only lives around the corner.

[B]

Right. Hang on a minute. Are there two Ds in Widdicombe? Oh, hello. Sorry to trouble you. Does Debbie live here?

[D]

I wish I could answer that question.

[E]

Bloody Nora.

[B]

Is. Is your mum in? Or anyone else?

[D]

Quito. Quito? Quito's our dog.

[A]

That's not a dog, Sean. That's a man.

[B]

I know.

[D]

Quiet. Quito wants his dinner.

[B]

Look, look, we're not from the couch already.

[C]

Aren't you? Why do you want her?

[A]

Well, she's got the receipt for Sean's crutches.

[B]

No, no, no, that's confusing. No, she bought my sofa, right? And the receipt was inside it, along with the remote. So it's quite important that we find her. All right. Well. Well, your best bet is just, you know, chill out.

[A]

You know, she'll be around. So how do you do that, then?

[D]

Don't you know?

[B]

Yes. Yes, we do know how to hang out. Hey, mate.

[A]

What? What breed were you trying to be?

[B]

Red Settler.

[A]

You got a lot of work to do.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

One cappuccino and one plain Nesquik.

[A]

Well, that's over here, mate.

[B]

How can you. How can you drink that? Doesn't taste of anything.

[A]

No, no, it's lovely. Try it.

[B]

Taste of milky powder bacon sandwich. Yeah.

[A]

So are we hanging out now?

[B]

Yeah. Wow. We're hanging out. Woohoo. He's.

[A]

He's from Lincoln. So what do we do now?

[B]

Just hang out more?

[A]

Like this?

[B]

Yeah. It doesn't matter.

[A]

I prefer table tennis.

[B]

This tattoo's beginning to Hurt part of that cushion. Have my eyes gone yellow? No. I'm worried I might be turning to some kind of man beast.

[A]

No, no, you're not.

[B]

Now look at my arms. They were never this hairy. One mixed grill, one devil kidneys. See, that's not even on the menu. The Aussie bub. And squeak. I don't like it here. I think we should go home.

[A]

No, no, look, it's great. Look at all the famous people who've been here. There's a photo of Mr. Motivator Richard Bacon and that girl who does the thing on Saturday mornings. Look, Sean, there she is.

[B]

Is it? Excuse me, mate. Do you know that girl in that photo?

[C]

Ah, Debbie, Yes. Yeah, she's always eating liver. It's very strong.

[B]

Where can we find her?

[C]

She be around the corner at the pumping station.

[B]

Come on, Earl.

[A]

Oh, hang on. Excuse me, mate.

[B]

Who's this bloke?

[A]

I sort of recognize him.

[B]

Oh, he's.

[A]

Hold on.

[B]

Hold. Ross. Paul Ross.

[C]

Feed me. Touch me. Love me.

[A]

Feed me.

[B]

You know what, Errol? I'm beginning to think that this pumping station is no longer in the hands of a local water board.

[A]

You're right. It's a gallery. Let's have a look round.

[B]

No, I don't like art. Makes me sleepy.

[A]

Just a quick look. What's that all about?

[B]

Well, to the untrained eye, it's a full English breakfast. But if you look closely, you'll see it's a shocking statement about the nourishment of death. Wow.

[A]

It's brilliant the way they've made the sausage look like a mouth. And the eggs, they're like eyes. Absolutely wonderful feelings.

[C]

Oh, yes. I quite like these.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Do you like this?

[A]

Well, yes. Good, good.

[C]

Excuse me, are you the artist?

[D]

Yes, I am.

[C]

Congratulations. This piece is magnificent.

[B]

Hey, that's my sofa. I've been looking for you. You've got the receipt for my crutches.

[A]

And my magnet.

[B]

And his magnet.

[C]

Sorry, sir, you can't touch the exhibit.

[B]

But all that stuff you got laid out, that was down the back of my sofa.

[D]

Well, it's not your sofa. It now belongs to the Saatchi Collection.

[B]

All right, you sold it. You were a secondhand trader.

[D]

No, I'm not a trader.

[C]

This is Debbie Pilkington, the most exciting young artist in Britain.

[A]

Course, course.

[B]

The stupid clothes, the mad friends, the patronizing attitude, the art gallery, the scratch cards. You're lottery sponsored, aren't you? What? You've done, you've just emptied out the contents of my sofa. So if I'd done It would that be genius?

[D]

No, if you did it, it would be spring cleaning.

[B]

Look, I'm fair like. You can keep the sofa, all the bits and all I want is the receipt.

[D]

Look, I'm sorry. It all belongs to Charles Sarchie.

[B]

But why? Why does he want all this stuff? I mean, what's he gonna do with my swimming goggles? They're rubbish. He could afford a decent pair.

[C]

Well, put that down, will you?

[B]

Oh, why? Why can't I have that bit of paper? Go on. Oh, please, Please, no. You ever go, Errol? No. Please.

[D]

No.

[B]

Hold on. What's that doing there?

[D]

I imagine that's where you fell asleep eating Kentucky Fried Chicken. And the bones somehow slipped past the cushion.

[B]

No, no, no, no, no. Those bones definitely weren't in my sofa. I won't have that muck in the house. No. I won't eat anything that's served in a bucket. She must have put those bones there.

[D]

No, no, I didn't.

[B]

And what's this UB40 car with my name on it? I've got a job. I pay taxes four days a week. Swimming baths, goggles, Standard issue.

[D]

He's lying.

[A]

Super Kings. I smoke Dombey's Number eight Penang Shack.

[B]

Razzle. I'm halfway through War and Peace.

[D]

Cesco Club card.

[B]

But we were referring Rohipnol. I use charm and bits of kila.

[D]

You mean that this debris isn't the genuine debris of your life?

[B]

No, no, no. She's ruined it.

[C]

You're a fraud.

[D]

I am not. I am not a fraud.

[B]

I am an artist.

[C]

Oh, this piece is contrived. It's worthless.

[B]

You're a liar and a cheat.

[D]

You don't understand. I just couldn't display the dull, stubby items I found in there. So far, it lacked drama. There was no passion or misery. I wanted to make something about life in an urban prison. But their lives were just so boring. It just didn't work.

[A]

Twink. Oh, no, that is mine. Right, that's the brushes cleaned. Didn't take that long after all. Liquor paint. Hardly recognized the place. Oh, that pain's made me a bit kitty. Laughing like children Living like lovers Rolling the thunder under the covers and I guess. Oh, no, not again. Oh, I hate giving that bald ponce money.

[B]

Errol Parsons Road barbecue beans. I haven't had this for years. It's horrible, isn't it? Oh, yeah. How many bits of chicken you had?

[A]

Two.

[B]

You sure? Yeah. You get six in a bucket, there's one piece left. I've had two. You must have had three.

[A]

Honest, I haven't.

[B]

Don't try and fool me. I haven't got mug written on my forehead. No?

[A]

Well, you've got Satan tattooed on your ass.

[C]

Sean Lock, 15 stories.

[B]

High Star.

[A]

Sean Lock, Tracian Olbermann, Chris Pavlo, Peter Sarafinowitz and Martin Trenaman. Was written by Sean Locke and Martin Trenaman. The script editor was Robert Frasers field and the producer was Chris Neal.