1st Nighter 1947-10-18 Wolf With Sheepskin

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: 1st Nighter 1947-10-18 Wolf With Sheepskin
Release Date: March 5, 2025
Host/Author: Harold's Old Time Radio
Genre: Classic Radio Drama
Description: Reliving the Golden Age of Radio, this episode transports listeners back to 1947 with "Wolf with Sheepskin," a captivating comedy play featuring an all-star cast navigating a tangled web of mistaken identities and comedic intrigue.

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Introduction to "Wolf with Sheepskin"

The episode kicks off with an energetic announcement introducing "Campana's First Nighter Program" from the Little Theater of Times Square. Larry Keating sets the stage, highlighting the play's star-studded cast including Barbara Luddy as Betty Herbert and Owen Soule portraying Professor Algernon Riggs. Listeners are invited into the vibrant world of Broadway's nightlife, setting expectations for an entertaining evening ahead.

Larry Keating (00:49): "Campana's first nighter program from the Little Theater of Times Square. Starring Barbara Luddy and Owen Soule."

Character Introductions and Setting

As the play begins, Betty Herbert welcomes the audience to the Little Theater, immediately establishing a lively and engaging atmosphere. The setting is the bustling Broadway scene, with characters like the Duke of Brooklyn and the Earl of Chicago making brief appearances, hinting at a storyline filled with colorful personalities.

First Nighter Host (01:22): "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This promises to be an exciting night."

Plot Unfolds: Mistaken Identity and Comedic Tension

The central plot revolves around a classic case of mistaken identity. Betty interacts with a mysterious guest who introduces himself under the guise of being a gangster named Dry Martini. However, it soon becomes apparent that this newcomer, who initially presents himself as a potential threat, is actually Professor Algernon Riggs, a zoology professor mistaken for a killer.

Professor Algernon Riggs (07:09): "Well, how does an old bone wrapped in paper make me a killer?"

This confusion leads to a series of comedic exchanges, where Betty attempts to manage the situation with wit and charm, while the gangsters, the Duke and Oil of Chicago, become increasingly frustrated by the professor's presence and his attempts to clarify his true identity.

Key Interactions and Developments

One of the standout moments occurs when Betty confronts the supposed gangster with a revolver, only to learn that it is indeed not loaded. This revelation shifts the dynamics, allowing Professor Riggs to reveal his true identity and purpose, further complicating the gangsters' plans.

Betty (07:25): "But you haven't got a gun."

Professor Algernon Riggs (07:35): "Well, let me put it simply, A, you are gangsters. B, you've mistaken me for someone called the Killer..."

As the story progresses, alliances shift, and the Professor begins to win over Betty, demonstrating his intelligence and genuine nature. The tension escalates when the gangsters return, demanding the briefcase containing what they believe to be ill-gotten gains, unaware that it actually holds valuable academic material.

Professor Algernon Riggs (14:34): "Well, let me put it simply. A, you are gangsters. B, you've mistaken me for someone called the Killer whom you've never seen. C, you think I have some cabbage. Yes, that is ill-gotten gains in my briefcase when actually it's a rare bone."

Climactic Confrontations and Resolutions

The climax of the play features intense confrontations between the Professor, Betty, and the gangsters. Professor Riggs, leveraging his knowledge of Jiu Jitsu, manages to outmaneuver the gangsters, leading to a humorous yet satisfying resolution where misunderstandings are cleared, and the true nature of each character is revealed.

Professor Algernon Riggs (28:00): "Come one step farther, either of you, and I'll split you like a couple of infinitives."

Betty (30:37): "Okay, Butch, I'll marry you."

These interactions blend humor with suspense, staying true to the comedic roots of Golden Age radio dramas while delivering a memorable narrative.

Notable Quotes and Moments

Throughout the episode, several quotes stand out for their wit and character development:

• Betty on Handling Tension (07:09): "Yeah, we keep it behind the desk for emergencies like this."

• Professor Riggs on Misunderstandings (14:34): "I am Professor Algernon Riggs of the State University. How can you believe otherwise?"

• Humorous Banter (28:43): "Good heaven. Spreading my tibia. I forgot what's happened to it."

These quotes not only enhance character depth but also provide listeners with memorable lines that capture the essence of the play.

Conclusion and Wrap-Up

As "Wolf with Sheepskin" concludes, the host gracefully transitions the audience out of the theatrical experience, teasing the next week's program and ensuring listeners are left eagerly anticipating future episodes.

First Nighter Host (30:48): "Dear ladies and gentlemen, the end of an exciting Broadway premiere."

The episode closes with final promotional segments, staying true to the period's format while maintaining the immersive experience of the radio play.

Final Thoughts

"Wolf with Sheepskin" exemplifies the charm and ingenuity of Golden Age radio dramas. Through engaging characters, witty dialogue, and a plot rich with twists and humor, this episode of Harold's Old Time Radio offers a nostalgic yet fresh listening experience. Whether you're a longtime fan or new to old-time radio, this episode provides an entertaining glimpse into the storytelling prowess of the era.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Larry Keating (00:49): "Campana's first nighter program from the Little Theater of Times Square."

• First Nighter Host (01:22): "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This promises to be an exciting night."

• Professor Algernon Riggs (07:09): "Well, how does an old bone wrapped in paper make me a killer?"

• Betty (07:25): "But you haven't got a gun."

• Professor Algernon Riggs (14:34): "Well, let me put it simply. A, you are gangsters..."

• Professor Algernon Riggs (28:00): "Come one step farther, either of you, and I'll split you like a couple of infinitives."

• Betty (30:37): "Okay, Butch, I'll marry you."

These quotes highlight the episode's blend of humor, suspense, and character interplay, encapsulating the spirit of classic radio drama.

Transcript

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[Voice 1]

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[Betty]

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[Professor Algernon Riggs]

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[Duke]

Right now. The time in 10 seconds, 7 o'clock.

[Larry Keating]

Campana's first nighter program from the Little Theater of Times Square. Starring Barbara Luddy and Owen Soule. With an all star cast sent to you by Campana. The quality name in cosmetics theater time on the Great White Way. And an opening night performance is scheduled for your entertainment at the Little Theater off Times Square. And what a celebrated audience of first nighters we're sure to see. Now here's our genial first nighter. Our host for the evening.

[First Nighter Host]

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This promises to be an exciting night. My cab is waiting. Won't you step in? I'll ride, driver. To the Little Theater up Broadway. The brightest nightlife street in the world. And across 42nd Street. And there just ahead is the Little Theater off Times Square. Well, here we are.

[Duke]

Yes. Hey, look. Warmer girls around that chap. He must be Van Johnson.

[Voice 2]

I think I see Howard Hughes. That must be Heather Hopper under that hat. Ticket ready please. Have your tickets ready, please.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Good evening, Mr. First Nighter.

[Voice 2]

The usher will show you your seat.

[First Nighter Host]

Thank you. We'll go right in. Here we are in down front seats. Ladies and gentlemen, with just time to look at our program. Tonight's play is a comedy entitled Wolf with Sheepskin. Written by Jack Kelsey. And it looks like a superb cast for comedy. Barbara Luddy and Olin Soleil do the honors in the lead roles. Ms. Luddy playing the part of Betty Herbert. And Mr. Soleil in the role of Professor Algernon Riggs. In the all star supporting cast are Jerry Hausner as the Duke of Brooklyn. Ken Christie as the Earl of Chicago. Ed McDonald as the killer and other famous names. And now before first curtain, let's listen to Frank Wirth and the famous First Nighter orchestra. There's the signal for first curtain. The house lights are out. And here's the play.

[Voice 2]

Is. Is this Mrs. Hibbertt's room in the house?

[Betty]

Yes, it is, but I'm afraid.

[Voice 2]

Hey, I Heard it was an old dame ran the Gertrude. Mrs. Herbert.

[Betty]

Mrs. Herbert is my aunt. She's on vacation. I'm in charge.

[Voice 2]

Ah, I'm gonna like this job. You got a room?

[Betty]

I'm sorry, no. And I don't think you'd be happy here anyway.

[Voice 2]

Oh, why not?

[Betty]

Well, our clientele is very quiet and we're fine. They all work during the day.

[Voice 2]

That's why my boss picked this place. Why don't you figure on refine?

[Betty]

I couldn't help noticing the racing form sticking out of your pocket and that bulge under your arm.

[Voice 2]

Did you ever carry a rod in your hip pocket, sister? Well, it is very uncomfortable, miss. What's your name?

[Betty]

Betty. Now, now look, I'm rather busy just now.

[Voice 2]

Well, leave us be. Refined Betty, huh? I am called Duke. And here comes my pal, the oil.

[Duke]

Hey, look, Duke, huh? There was Dick. Dick's hanging around to kill his train come in. So I slipped him a piece of paper with his address on him. Okay?

[Voice 2]

Yeah, just so long as he gets here, Martini's gonna be happy.

[Betty]

Dry Martini, the gangster?

[Gangster]

Yeah.

[Voice 2]

Oil was the killer disguised like the boss. Dead?

[Duke]

Yeah, yeah, wearing big horn rim specs, carrying a briefcase. I chased him right off. Big guy, good looking.

[Betty]

I'll have to ask you the gentleman to leave now.

[Duke]

Do what this to me the but on you.

[Voice 2]

Please do not pull a rod on a cute cookie like Betty. Unless you take your hat off, Oil.

[Duke]

Well, okay.

[Voice 2]

He's going to give us a room for this out of town boxman, won't you, Betty?

[Betty]

What's a box man?

[Voice 2]

Well, you know, he opens safes when the owners ain't around. Now this character's got 20 grand, see? Half of which dough belongs to my boss.

[Duke]

And he's coming here to make the split.

[Betty]

Well, that's very honest of him, I'm sure.

[Voice 2]

Yeah, the killer is being looked for by sight and parting, see? So Martini, pick your journt as now hide out until the dough is divvied. You get it?

[Betty]

I'm afraid I do. Would that be him? He the killer, huh?

[Voice 2]

Glasses and a briefcase. Yeah, that is him. He.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

I. I beg your pardon. I believe you have a room available.

[Betty]

Well, I.

[Duke]

You heard what that guy said, sister.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Why, how nice. The very man who directed me at the railroad station. Oh, you said the young lady's hard of hearing.

[Betty]

Not at all. You're friends have arranged everything. Will you sign the book?

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Well, I hardly anticipated the ease with which my simple needs would be met.

[Voice 2]

Gee, would you get a load of that talk?

[Duke]

How do you like that?

[Betty]

Yes, when we're forced to, we can sometimes find room, mister. I beg your pardon. Professor Riggs. Is that what he wrote in the book?

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Yes. Professor Algernon Riggs. It amuses you.

[Voice 2]

I'll say. Did you think it up yourself?

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

No, no. I understand that my mother under the deplorable spell of the romantic fiction of her day.

[Voice 2]

Brother, you're okay. Just get up. Would fool the smartest cop in town. Well, allow me to rise to the occasion, Professor. I am the Duke of Brooklyn. This is the oil of Chicago.

[Duke]

Hi.

[Voice 2]

And this dame here is Ms. Betty Hoybit.

[Duke]

Now leave us. Lay off the joke, Stuke, and make sure the professor is willing to split the cabbage.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

What delighted gentleman. Merely name the time and place.

[Voice 2]

Ah, you see, he's okay. Earl, you gonna put the briefcase in that safe behind the desk?

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Oh, no. The contents are too valuable to let out of my hands for a moment, Duke.

[Voice 2]

Maybe you're right. Show him to his room, Betty. We'll stick around.

[Betty]

Just let me get the key.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

I think I shall enjoy my stay in your colorful establishment, Ms. Hoybert.

[Betty]

Oh, yes, we have such fun. Just before you came in, I thought I was going to die laughing. This is your room, Professor. Please step in.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

After you, Miss Hoibert.

[Betty]

You don't take any chances, do you?

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Do you think you should close the door? We're completely unchaperoned.

[Betty]

Well, I'm well protected now, thank you. And if you move, I'll shoot.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Good heavens, you've got a revolver.

[Betty]

Yeah, we keep it behind the desk for emergencies like this. You can drop the act now, killer. I know all about you, and I'm going to relieve you of your rod. As your friends downstairs that say, but I haven't got.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Miss Hoybert, please, you're tickling me.

[Betty]

But you haven't got a gun.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

No. Are you what they call a gun doll, Ms. Horbert?

[Betty]

The word is gun maul, and certainly not.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Well, then why did your confederate direct me here from the railroad station? So you could lure me to this room and hold me up.

[Betty]

But you say. Don't you move a step.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

You have very large, kindly eyes, Miss Hoibert. I don't think you'd shoot me. I'm going to raise that window and shout for a policeman.

[Betty]

You'd go. Well, then you aren't really the killer.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Most certainly not. I am Professor Algernon Riggs of the State University. How can you believe otherwise?

[Betty]

Well, your disguise did seem awfully cute. But when you called me Ms. Hoybert, I thought you'd slipped up.

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[First Nighter Host]

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[Betty]

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[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Where prohibited by law 21/ Terms and Conditions apply. Well, isn't that your name? Or El introduced you as Earl.

[Betty]

Introduced me as Miss Herbert.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Good heavens. Of course, the local dialect. I. I hope it's not habit forming.

[Betty]

What about the $20,000 you promised to divide?

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

I. I said that?

[Betty]

You distinctly said name the time and place for dinner.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

My dear girl, they invited me to divide a cabbage with them. And I'm distinctly fond of corned beef and a green leafy vegetables.

[Betty]

Hand me your briefcase. If you're a professor, there won't be any $20,000 in it.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

This is ridiculous to say nothing's embarrassing.

[Betty]

Let's see. Two shirts, three pair of socks, short with red stripes. Well, for a professor.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Ms. Hibbert. Herbert, if you damage.

[Betty]

You. Be quiet. What have you got wrapped in this paper?

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

If you damage that in any way, I shall never forgive you.

[Betty]

Oh, you are the killer. Stand back. Don't move. You. You fiend.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Well, how does an old bone wrapped in paper make me a killer?

[Betty]

Who else would carry a bone around in a briefcase?

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

That happens to be Dr. Small's tibia.

[Betty]

You're. You're a victim?

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

No, no, it isn't exactly his tibia. It belongs to his museum. He loaned it to me for a thesis I'm writing on the dinosaur.

[Betty]

The what?

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

A large lizard that died thousands of years ago. Preposterous to accuse me of having had anything to do with his death. Young woman. Betty, what are you doing?

[Betty]

And I thought you were against her.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

No, no, no, no. Calm down, Betty. There. Oh, your hair is lovely. Soft as mephitis fur.

[Betty]

I'm all right now. Thanks for the use of your shoulder.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Oh, pleasure, I'm sure. But I do feel like telling those men downstairs a thing or two.

[Betty]

Oh, now, please try to understand, Professor Riggs. They're gangsters. They're not gonna like us. When they find out you're not the killer. They might even shoot us.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Oh, well, I. I shouldn't like to die now that is, now that we've met, you're. Well, I mean to say, I think you're cute too.

[Betty]

What was that you said about my hair?

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Soft. Soft is mephitis fur.

[Betty]

Mephitis.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Latin. Zoological name for the skunk. Be careful. Give me that gun.

[First Nighter Host]

And the curtain comes down on the first act until I play in the little theater off Times Square, smoking in.

[Voice 2]

The outer lobby or downstairs only, please.

[First Nighter Host]

There's the end of act one, ladies and gentlemen. And here comes a message you'll want to hear from Larry Keating.

[Larry Keating]

Yes, ladies, here is news you love to hear, so listen carefully. Your favorite pre war hand lotion. Good, dependable, quick acting Italian bomb is back again. Yes, Italian bomb. That's exactly what I said. You can believe your ears. I said Italian bomb is back again. There it is at your favorite store today, just like it used to be. As you know, Italian balm could not be made except for just a minute quantity. During the war years, its fine precious ingredients weren't to be had. But now just step into your nearest store and say, please give me a bottle of Italian balm and you'll get it. It's the same famous lotion that you love, so well made, exactly as it used to be made with every one of its original ingredients. You'll recognize it in a minute by its famous green and white cotton. You'll try it on your hands and arms and elbows to make sure that it's just as good as you remember it. And sure enough, it is so soothing and quick softening to dry skin. So different, so dependable for helping your skin to say, softer, smoother, prettier, no matter how much work your hands may do, nor how hard the water is. Yes, it's the same lotion about which you've said so often. It just has no equal. And mark this fact too. The price is the same. Pre war price. Same quality, same quantity, same price. So do this, won't you get your bottle of good, rich, concentrated Italian bomb tonight. It's back.

[First Nighter Host]

First nighters are hurrying down the aisles to their seats. The lights are dimmed. And here's the second act of Wolf with sheepskin.

[Duke]

I'm getting tired sitting in this lobby. Duke winced. To kill him in that game. Coming back down.

[Gangster]

Relax, relax.

[Voice 2]

Ear Martini don't want us in no trouble. That killer plug you for a nickel.

[Duke]

But we gotta phone the boss and tell him that 20 grand is here waiting to be cut.

[Voice 2]

All right, leave us. Change the subject, pal. Here they come.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Well, gentlemen, I've had A little talk with Miss Herbert and I find there's been a lamentable error on your part. Huh?

[Duke]

You better not have anything to do with that briefcase. You'll carry on, buddy.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Oh, thank you for reminding me, Earl. Will you put it in the safe, Betty?

[Betty]

Well, if you think that's wise.

[Voice 2]

It's okay, Betty. It'll keep there till Martini is ready.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

You, Duke, I took a liking to you at first glance, but I'm afraid I misjudged the situation.

[Duke]

Speak English, bud. You planning to double cross divorce?

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

You don't seem to believe that I am actually named Algernon Rigby.

[Voice 2]

Don't mind oil Killer. I think it's a very pretty name.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Well, let me put it simply. A, you are gangsters. B, you've mistaken me for someone called the Killer whom you've never seen. C, you think I have some cabbage. Yes, that is ill gotten gains in my briefcase when actually it's a rare bone.

[Voice 2]

Go on, Killer, I could listen to you talk forever.

[Betty]

Oh dear. The Duke simply doesn't believe you, professor.

[Voice 2]

We must say that I think it's the best act I ever heard. It's really an education. You know that meeting up with you Killer. Did you pick all this up in a pen?

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

I give up. Communication between us is impossible, Betty.

[Betty]

Don't you ever go to the movies, Professor?

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Oh, by Jove. Cinema, gang pictures, you mean. Well, I could. I could try it. Listen, use. Use mugs, huh?

[Duke]

Yeah.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

What would a. A droit like me be doing with 20, 20.

[Voice 2]

20 GS?

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Thank you, Betty.

[Duke]

With 20 GS?

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

My racket is zoology. I'm lugging a. How would you translate tibia?

[Betty]

Betty, you've got me.

[Voice 2]

Stack of lettuce, cabbage dough.

[Duke]

This has given me a headache. Duke, the boss is waiting.

[Voice 2]

You know, Oil, I ain't had such an interesting conversation since we took Benny to Bookworm for a ride.

[Duke]

Fun, huh?

[Voice 2]

Yeah. Well, Killer, don't think this ain't been fun, but we got a scram.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Do you plan to return?

[Voice 2]

Ah, stay. Hold up till we flip you to word pal and kill us.

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[Professor Algernon Riggs]

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[Voice 2]

That rod in your pocket, pal. If you was going to make trouble, you'd have pulled it.

[Gangster]

Well, be seeing you.

[Voice 2]

Go on.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

What happens, Betty? I still have your revolver in my pocket.

[Betty]

I don't think you'll realize what a narrow escape we've just had, Professor.

[Larry Keating]

Perhaps we should call the police, Betty.

[Betty]

Well, we don't need to now.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

But Tim return his tibia, you know. And I refuse to leave you in danger.

[Betty]

Oh, that sweet of you, Al. You know we'll never see those two again. Would you like something to eat?

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Oh, first I must call Dr. Small and tell him where I am. And then, Betty, you know what might be invigorating? A good difference. Cup of tea. Your little cakes are delicious, Betty.

[Betty]

Sorry I can't give you the Latin name or the chemical formula.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

The longer I know you, the more amazed I am. Beauty, domesticity, perspicacity.

[Betty]

I bet you say that to all the girls.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

You know, Betty, my life at the university is rather lonely. Meeting you has been. Well, that is, I mean to say.

[Betty]

Professor, not at a loss for words. Not you.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Oh, no, indeed. It's merely that you do something to my bloodstream. Probably increase the adrenaline content.

[Betty]

You're so romantic. Funny, though I like you in spite of yourself. Oh, the bell on the desk. Somebody came into lobby.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Well, shall I come along?

[Betty]

Thank you, no. I'll be right back. Oh, dear.

[Gangster]

What's the matter, lady? Seen a ghost?

[Betty]

Those glasses, that briefcase. I thought for a minute I was seeing double.

[Gangster]

Yeah, what's wrong with them?

[Betty]

You must be the killer.

[Gangster]

How do you know that lady?

[Betty]

Well, you were expected earlier. Two of the boys arranged for your hideout.

[Gangster]

That's what Martini said a minute ago on the phone scene. His gorillas are supposed to meet my train. You're one of his mob?

[Betty]

Yeah. Gal from away back the boss wants. I should put that 20 grand you got into safe here.

[Gangster]

Ah, ain't much you don't know, huh?

[Betty]

Me and the big shot were like that, see? Give me your briefcase.

[Gangster]

Well, I don't know. What's that?

[Betty]

Oh, one of the mugs put boards here. Give. Give me your case. I'll put it in the safe while you get behind the ditch with the window. We don't want him to see you.

[Gangster]

No, I find. Well, they don't give me no double clock. Please, miss.

[Voice 2]

That.

[Betty]

Just a Second professor, I mean. Yeah. Come on in.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Time for me to leave now for the museum. Betty, weren't you talking to someone?

[Betty]

I was talking. I was dabbing with a mug. But he lands.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

I beg your pardon?

[Betty]

Algernon, please take your tibia and scram.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Scram. Betty, perhaps I should warn you that your companions play an important part in forming a vocabulary.

[Voice 2]

Perhaps, too.

[Larry Keating]

My dear girl, you don't need to.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Throw my briefcase at me.

[Betty]

Will you take it and get out?

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Yes, but I'll be back as soon as I can. Oh, I wonder if I shall ever understand women.

[Betty]

You can come out now, killer.

[Gangster]

I couldn't make out what you said from back there. What was that about a brief case?

[Betty]

I had to put it away in the safe while I was talking with that guy. Here, let me show you. See your briefcase.

[Gangster]

Okay, now rock it out. Oh, God. I figured I'd get me a bite to eat before that.

[Betty]

Hello? Oh, Dr. Small. Yes, Professor Riggs just this minute left to meet you. Hold the line a minute, please. I have to be polite to these mugs. You can get a good cup of jabber right across the street.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Pillar.

[Gangster]

Okay, now? Yeah, now I'll grab one of them and come back. If Martini's gorillas show up, you tell him where he can find me.

[Betty]

Oh, Dr. Small. Now, please listen carefully. It's a matter of life and death. When Professor Riggs arrives, you're going to find money in that briefcase instead of that horrid old bone. Well, I know you don't understand, but I just switched these cases with a gangster. Algernon has the gangsters and I have your tired old tibia here in my face. Tell him to get the police. I can't talk.

[Voice 2]

Hey, we've just seen a very funny thing, Betty.

[Betty]

Isn't this Duke of Brooklyn and Mural of Chicago?

[Duke]

Yeah, and like Duke says, we would have wardens with you.

[Voice 2]

Yeah. You see, we are walking down a street, when all of a sudden we see two killers.

[Duke]

Two?

[Voice 2]

One of them gets in a taxi, the other one goes in a restaurant.

[Betty]

That's silly. You must be seeing double.

[Voice 2]

Well, this is very possible. We are very nervous. So we call Martini on the phone and he sounds a nerd at us.

[Duke]

He says to get back here and collect his dough and no mistake, or.

[Voice 2]

He personally will kick our teeth down our throats. So you better get it up, Cookie.

[Betty]

You mean you want the briefcase and the money right now?

[Voice 2]

Yeah, before we begin to see three killers instead of two. Get the dough out of the safe.

[Betty]

And we'll split it right this very minute.

[Voice 2]

Why not? This is the payoff, Betty. We got to get half that cabbage and no bones about.

[Larry Keating]

And the ghost.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

$1.

[Larry Keating]

The second night at the right play.

[First Nighter Host]

In the little theater off Times Square. All right now, ladies, here at the end of Act 2 is Larry Keating.

[Larry Keating]

To remind you, remind you that your old favorite hand lotion, Italian Bomb, is back again. And over this first night of program here in the little theater off Times Square, we're trying to spread the word far and wide. Italian Bomb is back. Thousands of women unable to get Italian bomb during a war will welcome this news with open arms. Or I should say open hands because they missed Italian Bomb. So many wrote and said it never had an equal. I miss it more than I can say. I've tried to find a lotion that would do as much for my hands, but I can't. Yes, the Italian Bomb, made exactly as it was made before the war, including all of its original ingredients, is back in the stores again, ready to greet its millions of old friends. There it is in its famous green and white carton, just as it used to be. And mind you, it's priced just as it used to be also, same quality, same quantity, same pre war price. Just 25 and 50 cents and a dollar a bottle. So do this for us, will you, please? Help us. Tell all of Italian Bomb's old friends that their old favorite hand lotion is back again. They'll rejoice once more in the swift, sure way that Italian balm helps protect skin against dryness and chapping. They'll cheer to have again the lotion that's so rich, so good, so economical that just one drop will serve both hands.

[Voice 2]

Last curtain.

[First Nighter Host]

The first fighters are all in their seats ready for the last rash. And there goes the turkey.

[Duke]

Listen, joke. This dame has been selling it 10 minutes. If that 20 grand is in that state, why don't she open it up?

[Voice 2]

You wouldn't give us no double cross now, would you, Betty?

[Betty]

Of course not you. But half of that money in the brief state belongs to the Killer and.

[Duke]

That ain't him. This guy don't even look like the Killer.

[Gangster]

Hi. It's not that. These Martini's gorilla?

[Betty]

Yes, these are them. Boys. Shake hands with the Killer.

[Voice 2]

Hey, you sick Betty. You don't even sound like you.

[Gangster]

Don't he talk like this all the time?

[Voice 2]

Certainly not. He talks better than me.

[Gangster]

Even so, I've been double clawed. All right, get the hands off of Kate. Mob look.

[Betty]

Howdy's got a gun.

[Duke]

What'd you think he had in his pockets. Gumdrops.

[Voice 2]

It's the killer, all right. I see that. Quick draw.

[Gangster]

Yeah.

[Betty]

Now, now, now, please, young man, let us all keep our heads.

[Gangster]

I've been spraying 5A Center Express. Your friend for me.

[Voice 2]

You know, I am very disappointed in you, Betty. Who was the professor guy if he wasn't a killer?

[Betty]

He tried to tell your duke he's Professor Algernon Ritten.

[Voice 2]

And he talks like that all the time.

[Betty]

All the time and sequence.

[Gangster]

Okay, sister, now put their rods in your safe and get off my bleach case at the same time.

[Betty]

Don't say there's much else I can do.

[Gangster]

Not at smart.

[Duke]

Martini ain't gonna like this killer. He wants me sniff.

[Betty]

Nah.

[Gangster]

Well, he's gonna get it. I just ain't taking no chances, see? Open her up.

[Betty]

I don't see why you're in such a hurry to open it. Wouldn't you all maybe like a cup of tea first?

[Voice 2]

The cabbage first, if you don't mind, Betty.

[Gangster]

Ah, yeah, you open it up, sister, and dump the dough out on the desk. There's been enough boners already.

[Betty]

Boners. Oh, dear. Well, here goes.

[Duke]

What. What are you carrying in those? Soup. Born around first.

[Voice 2]

Maybe a little black market meat business on the side, eh, Killer?

[Gangster]

There, there. Gimme that tank. What is that?

[Voice 2]

Socks and shirts and. Hey, look at them. Nice red striped shorts. Hey, very pretty.

[Gangster]

This ain't my tights.

[Betty]

Maybe there's been a little mistake. Maybe your face got split with someone's else.

[Voice 2]

Oh, and I thought we was friends, Betty. What is a nice funeral wreath for Doyle?

[Betty]

You can't come in here, any of you, and browbeat me. Find out possessor who found that money in the case I gave him. You call the police and they'll be here any minute. And. And.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Are you all right, Betty?

[Betty]

Oh, yes, yes, I'm all right, Algernon. But you came just in time. That man is the real killer.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Ah, indeed. You, sir, with the firearm.

[Gangster]

Now, never mind that, bud. Just pan over my briefcase.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

I shall do nothing of the kind, killer.

[Voice 2]

Hey, professor, this is no time for words. Do like the man says before the cops gets here.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Cops do.

[Betty]

You did call the police, didn't you, Algernon?

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Well, it did occur to me when I opened the briefcase in the cab and saw that money. But I was in such a hurry to get.

[Voice 2]

Your Honor, it looks like you can put that rod away. That professor's a good egg. I like him.

[Gangster]

Okay, okay, Pa. You fork over that 20 grand, see, and there'll be a Couple of blocks in it for you to keep your mouth shut.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

There's no use trying to bribe me, Killer. You've caused me quite enough embarrassment as it is. What if I had said to Dr. Small, thank you for the loan of your tibia, doctor. I am returning it to you in perfect shape. And then.

[Voice 2]

Yeah, yeah, go on.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Suppose, Duke, I had opened my briefcase and out tumbled this big stack of dirty money.

[Voice 2]

Oh, say, that'd be. What am I saying?

[Duke]

20 grand wouldn't embarrass me, honey.

[Gangster]

There's nothing wrong with that, Joe. Except you still got it.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

I am referring to a moral principal, Killer. This polluted pelt must be returned to its rightful owners.

[Gangster]

Okay, Pop, you're asking.

[Voice 2]

Hold it, Killer. Never mind a gap. We'll take it from him nice and gentle. Okay, I'll.

[Duke]

It'll be a pleasure to.

[Betty]

Please, Al. Do not give them the case before you get hurt.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

I am warning you, gentlemen. I don't like violence. But if you provoke me, I'll not be responsible.

[Duke]

We'll take that chance. You take em from the other side, Duke.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Come one step farther, either of you, and I'll split you like a couple of infinitives.

[Voice 2]

Now, now, Professor. This hurts us more than it does you. Grab Moya.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

I warned you. And you too.

[Betty]

The way they crash into the wall and the table.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Yes, yes. I used to teach Jiu Jitsu during the war. But I prefer zoology. Infinitely.

[Betty]

Algernon. The Killer.

[Gangster]

Don't worry, sister. I got no idea chambering with him. I'll just hang on to my dough now.

[Duke]

I got it back.

[Betty]

He picked up the case when you dropped it, Algernon.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

You better return it, Killer. I've known broken bones to result in jujitsu.

[Voice 2]

Bones.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Good heaven. Spreading my tibia. I forgot what's happened to it.

[Betty]

It's on the desk. In far less danger than we are. The killer has a gun, remember?

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Oh, that reminds me. So do I. Don't move, Killer.

[Voice 2]

Why, you watch your language.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

There's a lady present. I'll take his weapon from his pocket like a good girl, Betty.

[Betty]

Frisk is the word, Algernon. And I'm getting very good at it, I must say.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Now, the money, please. Kill her.

[Gangster]

Okay, okay.

[Voice 2]

A friend.

[Gangster]

A guy like you. Get a rod.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

I took it to Ms. Herbert earlier in the day. She thought I was you at the time. By the way, Betty, when you held me up this morning, did you know this gun wasn't loaded?

[Gangster]

That gun ain't loaded.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

I know. I just. Betty, what are you doing? That Was a very lovely vase, Betty. Why did you break it over his head?

[Betty]

Oh, Algernon, you idiot. You told him the gun wasn't loaded.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Oh, I still.

[Voice 2]

I did.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

How remiss of me. Betty, dear, I've made up my mind. Yes, Yes, I do need someone to look after me.

[Betty]

Are you looking for beauty, domesticity or perspicacity?

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Please don't be polysyllabic at a time like this.

[Betty]

Listen. But you said you could catch that sort of thing from the people you associate with.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

And don't let him change the subject by ending your sentence with a preposition.

[Betty]

What was the subject book?

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

So nuts. I'm trying to tell you I love you.

[Betty]

That's the first sensible thing I ever heard you say.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Will you marry me, Cookie?

[Betty]

Maybe. Come here, Brook. Close it. Put your arms around. That's right. You know what to do next. Do you love me more than your horrid old tibia?

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Tibia? What's this? Tibia.

[Betty]

Okay, Butch, I'll marry you.

[Voice 2]

There.

[First Nighter Host]

Dear ladies and gentlemen, the end of.

[Larry Keating]

An exciting Broadway premiere.

[First Nighter Host]

This party and this is the latest. The first nightrs are giving them a real ovation next week. We want to invite you to a real treat in drama. A heart drifting romance entitled Nonani. So be sure to tune in first nighter at the same time next week. And now we move out of the theater and into the street.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

Is your cab Mr. First matter you. Good night.

[Larry Keating]

Campan's first night of program starring Olin Truly and Barbara Ludy is a copyrighted radio feature. Tonight's play was pure fiction and did not refer to real people or actual events.

[Betty]

Cleopatra was a wise, wise girl. She used 15 separate and distinct perfumes. So why not try something new yourself? For example, that enchanting lingering cotton blackened clothes. It's exquisite. Cotton Blossom by Old south is featured at better drug and department stores.

[First Nighter Host]

The first night of program came to.

[Professor Algernon Riggs]

You over cbs, the Columbia Broadcasting System, the WBB AM Air Theater, Wrigley Building, Chicago.

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[Professor Algernon Riggs]

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