20th Century Vampire 1993-xx-xx Episode 1 Eloise Her Boyfriend and Her Tutor

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode Title: 20th Century Vampire 1993-xx-xx Episode 1: Eloise, Her Boyfriend, and Her Tutor
Release Date: May 9, 2025
Host/Author: Harold's Old Time Radio
Description: Relive the Golden Age of Radio with classic-style radio shows. Gather around the radio with your family as timeless tales unfold, reminiscent of beloved shows like The Shadow, Abbott & Costello, Amos & Andy, Dragnet, and many more.

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Introduction

In the premiere episode of 20th Century Vampire, listeners are introduced to Eloise, a disenchanted checkout girl grappling with existential despair and an unfulfilled love life. The narrative intertwines her mundane struggles with supernatural revelations, setting the stage for a darkly comedic exploration of vampirism in a modern setting.

Main Characters

• Eloise: The protagonist, a melancholic checkout girl who feels isolated and yearns for meaning in her bleak existence.
• Lucretia: Eloise's enigmatic aunt and vampire mentor, tasked with initiating Eloise into the vampire lineage.
• Eve: Eloise's concerned mother, who senses her daughter's unhappiness and potential troubles.
• Wayne: Eloise's well-meaning but socially awkward boyfriend, recently promoted to the meat counter.
• Debbie: Eloise's supportive flatmate, offering a blend of humor and empathy amidst the chaos.
• Mr. Jenkins: The antagonistic supermarket manager, constantly undermining Eloise's efforts at work.

Plot Overview

The episode opens with Lucretia, Eloise's aunt, observing Eloise from a high tower, hinting at her supernatural nature ([00:03]). Eloise's mundane life at the Co Op supermarket is depicted, highlighting her dissatisfaction and strained relationship with her mother, Eve.

Eloise's existential woes are juxtaposed with the arrival of her aunt, Lucretia, who introduces her to the dark world of vampirism. Despite Eloise's initial resistance and lack of interest in the macabre lifestyle, unexpected events escalate when true vampiric actions begin to surface.

Simultaneously, Eloise's relationship with Wayne becomes strained. His promotion and romantic gestures contrast sharply with Eloise's internal turmoil, culminating in a disastrous first date that inadvertently reveals her newfound vampiric tendencies.

As the episode progresses, familial tensions mount, culminating in Lucretia's revelation of Eloise's vampire heritage. The transformation is chaotic, blending dark humor with horror elements, ultimately leading Eloise to embrace her identity as a vampire.

Key Scenes and Events

1. Eloise's Despair at Home
   Eloise grapples with her loneliness and her mother's concern ([02:12 - 02:21]).

   Eloise: "I'm just a tiny speck of dust in the vortex of despair and alienation."

2. Introduction of Auntie Lucretia
   Lucretia arrives with unnerving gifts, hinting at her true nature ([03:38 - 04:08]).

   Lucretia: "You look after your teeth and your teeth will look after you."

3. Workplace Antagonism
   Mr. Jenkins' disdain for Eloise contrasts with Wayne's affections ([09:02 - 10:00]).

   Mr. Jenkins: "We can try our best."

4. Disastrous First Date
   Eloise's attempt at romance with Wayne spirals into chaos, revealing her vampiric side ([15:06 - 16:22]).

   Eloise: "I'm ravenously hungry all the time and the sun hurts me eyes."

5. Transformation Revelation
   Lucretia confirms Eloise's transformation into a vampire, blending humor with horror ([24:20 - 27:36]).

   Lucretia: "Blood is thicker than water. And a whole lot tastier too."

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Eloise on Despair:
  "[02:21] Eloise: "I'm just a tiny speck of dust in the vortex of despair and alienation."

• Lucretia's Wisdom:
  "[03:48] Lucretia: "Your teeth should be registered as dangerous weapons."

• Eloise on Vampirism:
  "[25:06] Eloise: "Auntie Lucretia is my date."

• Transformation Acceptance:
  "[27:36] Eloise: "I'm the happiest vampire in the whole wide world."

Character Dynamics

• Eloise and Eve: Their interactions reveal a strained mother-daughter relationship, with Eve sensing Eloise's unhappiness but misunderstanding its source.

• Eloise and Wayne: Their relationship oscillates between affection and frustration, highlighting Eloise's internal conflict and Wayne's oblivious support.

• Eloise and Lucretia: The mentor-mentee relationship transforms from reluctant acceptance to embrace of Eloise's vampire identity.

Themes and Insights

• Isolation and Alienation: Eloise's sense of being insignificant in a vast, uncaring world mirrors common feelings of loneliness and purposelessness.

• Supernatural as Metaphor: Vampirism serves as a metaphor for unwanted transformation and the struggle to maintain one's identity amidst external pressures.

• Dark Humor: The episode balances horror elements with comedic moments, particularly through Eloise's sardonic remarks and the absurdity of her transformation process.

Conclusion

The first episode of 20th Century Vampire masterfully blends elements of dark comedy, horror, and everyday struggles to create a captivating narrative. Eloise's journey from a despondent checkout girl to embracing her vampire identity sets the stage for an engaging series that promises to explore the depths of human emotion through a supernatural lens.

Listeners unfamiliar with the episode will find Eloise's relatable struggles juxtaposed with fantastical elements both entertaining and thought-provoking. As the story unfolds, themes of identity, acceptance, and the quest for meaning resonate, ensuring a compelling listening experience.

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Stay Tuned: Don't miss upcoming episodes as Eloise navigates her new life as a vampire, balancing her supernatural instincts with the challenges of modern relationships and societal expectations.

Transcript

[Lucretia]

Twentieth Century Vampire by Joe Turner. I love the dark and bitter taste of a 21st birthday party. Up here in my tower, high above the city I watch over our birthday girl.

[Eloise]

Bye, Lucretia.

[Lucretia]

Good night, Eloise. There she goes, a leather clad vampire riding into the night with her boyfriend Wayne strapped to her back. The first time is always special. Ancient honor and duty demands that I teach Eloise the language and law of vampirism. From now on, she must dress in the finest capes of black velvet, sleep in a silk lined coffin wrapped in a swirling mist, and give up her job in the Co Op. This checkout girl is now a vampire.

[Eloise]

I'm starving. So hungry. So hungry. Shut up. Eager or you wait. Mom. Now what's she got in the fridge for a midnight snack? Aha. Mmm. Very tasty.

[Eve]

Hello, Eve. Mum, what are you doing? It's after midnight.

[Eloise]

I'm just having a snack.

[Eve]

That joint was meant for the Sunday roast.

[Eloise]

No, I was a bit peckish.

[Eve]

If you'd waited till tomorrow, I'd have cooked it for you.

[Eloise]

It's fine raw.

[Eve]

So the baby vegetarian thing was just a phase?

[Eloise]

I suppose so.

[Eve]

Is Igor all right? You won't eat the dog, will you, love? He's a great comfort to me.

[Eloise]

Don't be daft, Mum.

[Eve]

Why do you always look so sad, Eloise?

[Eloise]

I was born under a black cloud, Mum.

[Eve]

Yes, I know, and the nuclear oracle's just round the corner. But you do seem a bit more cheerful these days.

[Eloise]

I'm just a tiny speck of dust in the vortex of despair and alienation. Perhaps if you had a boyfriend.

[Eve]

What about that Wayne at the Co Op?

[Eloise]

Don't fuss, Mum.

[Eve]

Well, eat up your snack. You could do with a good meal to put some colour in your cheeks.

[Eloise]

Okay.

[Eve]

Oh, and wipe that blood off your chin. It is nice to have you home for the weekend. Good night, dear. Don't have nightmares.

[Eloise]

Good night, Mum.

[Eve]

Oh, Eloise.

[Eloise]

Yeah?

[Eve]

Cheer up, love. It might never happen.

[Eloise]

I hate it when she says that. Anything else to snack on? Black pudding. Perfect. I must keep running, catcher. You're not catching me, you pogs ridden peasants.

[Eve]

Another piece of Battenberg, Lucretia?

[Lucretia]

I'd love to sink my teeth into that team, Mum.

[Eve]

Lovely.

[Lucretia]

Tell me tales of your life. Lovely Louise.

[Eloise]

Not much to tell. I'm still a checkout girl in that stagnant pond of despair they call a Co Op.

[Lucretia]

See, you're right. She's positively chirpy compared to last year.

[Eve]

Your Auntie Lucretia's brought you a present.

[Eloise]

It's not My birthday till Friday.

[Lucretia]

Never mind. Open it.

[Auntie Lucretia]

Now.

[Eloise]

A toothbrush.

[Lucretia]

You look after your teeth and your teeth will look after you. Open wide. Show Auntie Lucretia. Sharp as razors. Coming along nicely. Oh, precious. Little Eager has sniffed me out. Let him in, Eloise.

[Eve]

I don't know about little. He's an Irish wolfhound.

[Eloise]

Are you sure?

[Lucretia]

Oh, he wants to see his Auntie Lucretia. He loves to chew on Lucretia's arm, doesn't he? He loves his Auntie Lucretia.

[Eve]

Lucretia. Be careful, he's biting you.

[Lucretia]

But Auntie Lucretia bites. Berg doesn't sing, Lucretia. Oh, don't fuss. I only give him a little nip. Now stand up, Eloise. Let me have a good look at you.

[Eloise]

Feast your eyes. I'm not long for this world.

[Lucretia]

You look more and more adorable every year. Your thick dark hair and pale complexion.

[Eve]

That's makeup.

[Eloise]

I'm not wearing makeup.

[Lucretia]

Those dark green eyes and ruby red lips.

[Eve]

That's a nice dress, dear. It's a lovely shade of. What is that colour?

[Eloise]

Black?

[Eve]

Yes, but it's quite a cheerful black, isn't it?

[Lucretia]

When I was a girl, the men folk of our village would wee to see my beauty and sacrifice small animals to honor my name.

[Eloise]

When was this?

[Lucretia]

The good old days, back in the old country. Oh well, the butterbeck was delicious as always. But it's time to go.

[Eve]

I think I'll get your cake.

[Eloise]

But you've only just got here.

[Lucretia]

Eloise. I'd like you to visit me on your birthday just before midnight. Here is my card.

[Eloise]

Keep it safe.

[Eve]

See you next year, little creature.

[Lucretia]

Toodle doo.

[Eloise]

Bye, Mum. Who is that woman?

[Eve]

I don't know, love, but she never forgets your birthday.

[Eloise]

I must keep running.

[Wayne]

Catch her. Shut it off.

[Eloise]

You're not catching me, you pog ridden peasants.

[Debbie]

Stop struggling, girl. We got you now.

[Eloise]

Let me go.

[Wayne]

An evil witch girl. And we're gonna burn you in this dark forest. Hey, ugly crone. Stop chewing that. Turn and light a fire.

[Debbie]

She's a dirty devil bitch for sure. Let me jab her in the face with my flaming tart.

[Eloise]

Eat my spit, you black toothed old troll.

[Debbie]

Ah, the witch's spittle is burning me face. Destroying me beauty.

[Eloise]

You ain't got no beauty.

[Wayne]

That's why we call you ugly crone.

[Eloise]

No need to stump me.

[Debbie]

The witch's spit and has given me a spirit strange new beauty previously unknown to humankind. From henceforth I shall be known as you Ipple Crow.

[Wayne]

Very well, beautiful crow. What should we do with a witch?

[Debbie]

Simple village folk. What say you burn the witch?

[Eloise]

Yeah, burn the witch.

[Wayne]

Burn the witch.

[Eloise]

You don't understand.

[Wayne]

Don't she look like a tragic gothic heroine of noble birth?

[Eloise]

Actually, I'm a checkout girl at the co op.

[Debbie]

I'm gonna burn in hell for your evil deeds. Let me go.

[Eloise]

Oh, God. I ate. Monday mornings.

[Debbie]

Wakey, wakey, clapmate. Rise and shine.

[Eloise]

Sod off. Come on. Curtains open.

[Debbie]

Sun's out and the birds are singing.

[Eloise]

And the bottomless pit of despair beckons. Another suicide.

[Debbie]

It's not a nice way to describe a small supermarket.

[Eloise]

Go away. I ate. Ya.

[Debbie]

I've brought you a mug of tea. How was the weekend at your mum's?

[Eloise]

Plagued by nightmares and midnight snacks.

[Debbie]

I had a nice time too, thank you for asking.

[Eloise]

How was your weekend?

[Debbie]

I went pony trekking and saw 12 butterflies.

[Eloise]

I have a vision. The four pony trekkers of the Apocalypse with a cloud of black and angry butterflies swarming above their grotesquely misshapen heads.

[Debbie]

That reminds me, are you going to.

[Eloise]

Go out with Wayne? Why? Are you trying to pair me off with a man whose name only springs into your mind when I mention grotesquely misshapen heads?

[Debbie]

Correct me if I'm wrong, Eloise, but you have no friends and everyone who knows you hates you.

[Eloise]

Are you suggesting there's something wrong with that?

[Debbie]

It's very nice of you to give me a lift to work on your moped.

[Eloise]

It's not a mooreped, it's a 1972 Triumph Bonneville.

[Debbie]

You won't go fast, will you?

[Eloise]

Of course not. Jot on bunny wheelie, chop chop.

[Mr. Jenkins]

Wayne, It's Monday morning and there are hundreds of super safe bargains for the happy shopper.

[Wayne]

Permission to speak, Mr. Jenkins?

[Mr. Jenkins]

Go ahead, Wayne.

[Wayne]

Can we speak man to man?

[Mr. Jenkins]

We can try our best.

[Wayne]

I was just wondering whether there was any news on my request for promotion to the meat counter. It's just I really think an upwards career move could greatly enhance the fledgling romance I'm nurturing right now.

[Mr. Jenkins]

I don't approve of romance, Wayne. Get on with packing those cardboard boxes.

[Wayne]

Oh, but me heart is pining with desire for the lovely eloise.

[Mr. Jenkins]

Wayne.

[Wayne]

Yes, Mr. Jenkins.

[Mr. Jenkins]

Boxers.

[Wayne]

Right. Oh, Mr. Jenkins.

[Debbie]

Morning, Mr. Jenkins.

[Mr. Jenkins]

You look a bit windswept, Debbie.

[Debbie]

More like a Force 10 gale, Mr. Jenkins.

[Mr. Jenkins]

Biscuits, snacks and savory nibbles. Aisle seven, please, Debbie. Nice weekend, Eloise?

[Eloise]

No good.

[Mr. Jenkins]

I take it you're to blame for the love sick, Wayne.

[Eloise]

I just keep me head down and try to survive in this bleak veil of nothingness.

[Mr. Jenkins]

And I shall try to make your life here as miserable as possible.

[Eloise]

Thank you.

[Mr. Jenkins]

Now, while I try to devise some impossible task that will cause you everlasting pain, could you fill in until 5?

[Eloise]

If I must.

[Mr. Jenkins]

Oh, Eloise.

[Eloise]

What? Cheer up.

[Mr. Jenkins]

It might never happen.

[Eloise]

Biscuits, baked beans, bread, bacon, broccoli, butter.

[Villager]

Blasphemy, devil worship, wishcraft and French kissing the brioche priest.

[Eloise]

I don't know what you're talking about. I'm. Why am I strapped to this chair?

[Villager]

You stand accused of any crime.

[Eloise]

Will you stop dribbling on me?

[Villager]

The villagers are testify against you.

[Eloise]

Well, don't trust them, they're peasants.

[Villager]

No, I want to come. A fool who had to speak on your behalf.

[Eloise]

That's because everyone hates me. Except Debbie. And she wouldn't be seen dead in this dungeon Corner fest.

[Villager]

Now any place in heaven is yours.

[Eloise]

Has this got anything to do with me not having a boyfriend? I'll go out with Wayne if you like.

[Villager]

Fix your eyes on our delightful torture equipment.

[Eloise]

First.

[Villager]

We have the rack. Another quarter turn for the sheep molestur and then they'll redeem hot book hair. Change the landscape, I dare the meaning of divine retribution. I am going to enjoy your pain.

[Eloise]

Not necessarily, slobber chops. I know this is just a dream. I'll wake up in a minute and you'll be history.

[Eve]

Excuse me, miss.

[Villager]

You're not fun, Miss.

[Eve]

Excuse me.

[Villager]

Get the karate machine now.

[Eve]

Excuse me, miss.

[Eloise]

Oh, sorry. I was miles away. Somewhere nice, a rat infested torture chamber.

[Eve]

I was just wondering, is this tin of tuna dolphin friendly?

[Eloise]

No, it hates dolphins and goes seal calling at the weekends.

[Eve]

Really?

[Debbie]

Eloise. Eloise, have heard the news?

[Eloise]

What news?

[Debbie]

Wayne's been promoted to the meat counter.

[Eloise]

Hello?

[Mr. Jenkins]

Hello. Chat alert. I can hear chatting.

[Debbie]

Oh, Mr. Jenkins, I didn't see you Exactly.

[Eloise]

It's just one of your many mystical psychic powers, isn't it, Mr. Jenkins?

[Mr. Jenkins]

We'll have no talk of supernatural in my supermarket, thank you.

[Debbie]

I'd better get back to stacking those shelves.

[Mr. Jenkins]

Eloise.

[Eloise]

Yes, Mr. Jenkins?

[Mr. Jenkins]

About your clothes.

[Eloise]

What about me clothes?

[Mr. Jenkins]

Do you have to wear so much black?

[Eloise]

It's my response to a decaying world.

[Mr. Jenkins]

It's depressing the customers. A lot of them are on drugs as it is. We don't want to tip them over the edge.

[Eloise]

Pass me the beetroot.

[Debbie]

Are you sure you don't want me to cook?

[Eloise]

No. Give that a stir. Now, just a dash of sauce. Taste that.

[Debbie]

Oh, it's horrible.

[Eloise]

Yeah, but it's a lovely colour.

[Debbie]

I Don't think brown's a lovely colour.

[Eloise]

What do you dream about, Debbie?

[Debbie]

Actually, I have a recurring dream. I'm at the village gymkhana, riding a chestnut pony with yellow ribbons braided in his mane and I float over all the jumps and win the gold medal.

[Eloise]

The same dream every time? No.

[Debbie]

Sometimes we fall at the first jump and the pony splits open and his guts slop out and a swarm of killer bees burst out of his innards and start attacking me face.

[Eloise]

Get off.

[Wayne]

Get off.

[Eloise]

How often do you get that?

[Debbie]

Only if I eat cheese. Tell me your dreams, Eloise.

[Eloise]

I keep having the same too. In the first one, I'm chased through a forest by a mad lynch mob who catch me, tie me up and burn me at the stake.

[Debbie]

What about the other one?

[Eloise]

I'm in a dungeon, strapped in a chair with a bloated cardinal interrogating me.

[Debbie]

How does that one end?

[Eloise]

They go up me.

[Debbie]

No ponies.

[Eloise]

Then why do I share a flat with you, Debbie?

[Debbie]

D' you know, don't you think that Wayne looks smart in his new butcher's apron?

[Eloise]

Very nice.

[Debbie]

He's feeling a lot more confident since his promotion. I think he might ask you out tomorrow.

[Eloise]

Do you need the bathroom?

[Debbie]

No.

[Eloise]

Why? It's dark. I'm going to lie in a bath of cold water for a couple of hours.

[Debbie]

I sense romance in the air.

[Eloise]

Hello?

[Auntie Lucretia]

Oh, Eloise, darling. A thought has just entered my head, in case you were wondering. The nearest blood donor center is in Westgate street, opposite Marks and Spencer. Have a nice day.

[Eloise]

I'm getting worse at mornings.

[Wayne]

Hello, Eloise, it's me.

[Eloise]

Hello, Wayne.

[Wayne]

May I speak to you?

[Eloise]

Difficult to say, Wayne. If I don't finish pricing these kinds of alphabetti spaghetti, my will to live may finally expire.

[Wayne]

You feeling a bit poorly then?

[Eloise]

I can't sleep. I'm ravenously hungry all the time and the sun hurts me eyes.

[Wayne]

Those dark glasses suit you.

[Eloise]

What do you want?

[Wayne]

Notice anything different about me?

[Eloise]

Of course. I'm not blind. You're wearing a dead, fetching, blood spattered butcher's apron.

[Wayne]

I try to keep it clean, but there's so much blood on the meat counter.

[Eloise]

I can imagine.

[Wayne]

See, I got me promotion and I feel that now I'm leaping up the co op company career ladder. I'm in a position to declare my feelings for you.

[Eloise]

Tell me more about the blood.

[Wayne]

I'm proud to announce that I would like you to become my official girlfriend.

[Eloise]

Well, let's not rush things, Wayne. Why don't I just lick your apron first and Then see how the relationship develops from there.

[Wayne]

I intend to woo you, Eloise.

[Eloise]

Strangely enough, Wayne, I feel a little faint with you standing there smelling of fresh meat.

[Wayne]

I shall accept that as a compliment. And now I wonder whether you would do me the honor of allowing me to escort you to a fine Italian restaurant for a sumptuous romantic dinner to celebrate your forthcoming birthday on Friday night.

[Eloise]

Well, a van public hanging, so why not?

[Wayne]

Is that.

[Eloise]

Yes, I think so. But I'm not really feeling myself.

[Wayne]

Oh, this is the happiest day of my life.

[Eloise]

Hello?

[Auntie Lucretia]

Hello, Eloise, It's Lucretia.

[Eloise]

It's 7:30 in the morning.

[Auntie Lucretia]

I know it's naughty of me, but I could not resist sending you a little birthday present. Don't shake the box, you might kill him.

[Eloise]

I hate mornings.

[Debbie]

The postman left a package for you. Lucky girl. Open it now.

[Eloise]

Open it now.

[Debbie]

I gave it a little shake.

[Lucretia]

It smells.

[Debbie]

Squeaked.

[Eloise]

Squeaked. Oh, hello, Auntie Lucretia.

[Lucretia]

Oh, hello, darling.

[Eloise]

I just phoned to thank you for the present.

[Auntie Lucretia]

Oh, isn't he totally adorable?

[Eloise]

Totally.

[Lucretia]

I remember how much he wanted a.

[Auntie Lucretia]

Pet as a child, but Hampstead and Gerbils lack a certain style, don't you think?

[Eloise]

Yeah, I've always wanted a pet bat.

[Auntie Lucretia]

Make sure you take good care of him.

[Eloise]

I'm not sure I know how to look after a bat so easy.

[Auntie Lucretia]

If he starts to look a bit picky, find the nearest field, plough a single pharaoh, copulate in it, and then slaughter a lamb and cast its entrails on the ground. It's a bit messy, I know, but it could save you a fortune in vets bills. Bye for now.

[Eloise]

Bye.

[Auntie Lucretia]

Oh, oh, don't forget you've got a dentist appointment today. And as I always say, you look after your teeth and your teeth will look after you.

[Eloise]

I thought I was weird, but that woman's got bats in her belfry. Whoa.

[Dentist]

You nearly had my thumb off.

[Eloise]

You shouldn't have stuck it in there.

[Dentist]

I'm a dentist, that's my job.

[Eloise]

Look at that.

[Dentist]

You've done it again. It's all bent out of shape.

[Eloise]

It's not my fault.

[Dentist]

That was my unbreakable tungsten probe. You've ruined it.

[Eloise]

You told me to bite.

[Dentist]

I didn't tell you to rip my entire toolkit of expensive dental instruments.

[Eloise]

Do I need a filling?

[Dentist]

You need a government health warning. Your teeth should be registered as dangerous weapons.

[Eloise]

Can I go then?

[Dentist]

Yes, but if your upper canines protrude any further, you may have to wear a brace. Damn you don't Want to look like Dracula?

[Eloise]

Mum?

[Auntie Lucretia]

Yes, dear?

[Eloise]

Do we have a history of mental illness in the family?

[Eve]

No, dear. Why do you ask?

[Eloise]

Nothing, really. It's just that I can't sleep, I'm plagued by nightmares, I'm ravenously hungry all the time and I feel faint at the smell of meat.

[Auntie Lucretia]

I see.

[Eve]

Have you got a boyfriend yet?

[Wayne]

Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear Eloise Happy birthday to you.

[Eloise]

People are staring at you, Wayne.

[Wayne]

Everybody loves a birthday.

[Eloise]

What are you doing?

[Wayne]

I can't get a top off this bottle of lager. Can you call the waiter for me?

[Eloise]

No need. Pass it here.

[Wayne]

Wow. You must have good teeth.

[Eloise]

Well, as I always say, you look after your teeth and your teeth will look after you.

[Wayne]

I'm ever so chuffed that you agreed to come out with me tonight on a date.

[Eloise]

It'll probably be a disaster. Everything I touch turns to.

[Wayne]

How come you always look so sad and sulky, Eloise?

[Eloise]

The world, Wayne, is a black and alien place that has no space in it for me.

[Wayne]

Oh, go on, give me a smile.

[Eloise]

No.

[Wayne]

It takes less muscles to smile than it does to frown.

[Eloise]

My face needs the exercise.

[Wayne]

Eloise.

[Eloise]

What?

[Wayne]

Cheer up. It might never happen.

[Eloise]

Wayne, if you ever say that again, I will rip your throat out and feed it to rabid dogs.

[Wayne]

Pardon me. Message received and understood.

[Dentist]

You're a garlic bread madame.

[Eloise]

About time, too. I'm ravenous.

[Wayne]

Eloise, are you alright? You look a bit pale. I mean, a bit paler than normal.

[Eloise]

I think I'm. I'm gonna be.

[Wayne]

Oh, crikey, Eloise. What did you have for breakfast?

[Eloise]

What's going on here?

[Wayne]

Sorry, mate, me girlfriend's feeling a bit sick.

[Mr. Jenkins]

Should I fetch a bucket?

[Wayne]

Well, it's too late for that, mate. She's in full flow. She's puking all over my table. She's not my girlfriend. Really? Well, it's our first date, but I hope that one day soon she will do me the honour of becoming my official girlfriend.

[Dentist]

Madame, couldn't you stop throwing up a breeze?

[Eloise]

You're frightening.

[Wayne]

The other day, it's her birthday. There must be the excitement. Madame Eloise. That is the most horrible shade of brown I've ever seen.

[Dentist]

Please stop her here.

[Wayne]

She flooded the ristorante. Well, there's no stopping her now, mate. We'll just have to wait till she runs out of pew.

[Eloise]

I told you it'd be a disaster.

[Wayne]

I'm still having a good time.

[Eloise]

I'm still hungry.

[Wayne]

Where are we going?

[Eloise]

I said I'd visit me auntie tonight. Come On. She only lives round the corner.

[Wayne]

Bloody hell. It's a castle in the middle of town. I never noticed that before. I'm sure this is the right place. It looks dead creepy.

[Eloise]

Shut up, Wayne. Ring the bell.

[Wayne]

You could wake the dead with a doorbell like that. It's open.

[Eloise]

Come on.

[Wayne]

Oh, look at the cobwebs. There's mould growing on the walls.

[Eloise]

This is my kind of place.

[Wayne]

Personally, I'd rather have a bungalow.

[Eloise]

Come on, there's a lift.

[Wayne]

It don't look safe. I'll take the stairs.

[Eloise]

There are no stairs.

[Lucretia]

Come on.

[Wayne]

Which floor, madam?

[Eloise]

There's only one button.

[Wayne]

So, tell me about dear old Auntie Lucretia.

[Eloise]

Were you washed?

[Wayne]

What kind of a question is that?

[Eloise]

I smell meat.

[Wayne]

Bloody hell. Here's all bottle of Old Spice and.

[Eloise]

Two cans of root. Yeah, I can smell that too.

[Wayne]

It's really tough getting the meaty smell out after work.

[Eloise]

I like it.

[Lucretia]

You do?

[Eloise]

Yeah. Nearly at the top now.

[Wayne]

Don't be frightened, Eloise, but I think I'm becoming overwhelmed with powerful feelings for you.

[Eloise]

Not now, Wayne.

[Wayne]

Nobody here. Looks like she's gone out. Looks like she was never in.

[Eloise]

What a brilliant place.

[Wayne]

You all right, Eloise?

[Eloise]

I'm just a bit excited.

[Wayne]

You look great when you're excited.

[Eloise]

Let's have a look around your house.

[Wayne]

Not a big fan of furniture.

[Eloise]

Look up there. She really has got bats in her belfry. What's that wooden box?

[Wayne]

It's just an old coffin. Look, I know this is a dank and smelly castle, but would this be a bad time to suggest that we enjoy our first kiss?

[Villager]

Yeah.

[Eloise]

Help me get the lid off this coffin.

[Wayne]

Oh, bloody hell, Eloise. I'm trying my best to be romantic here. I'm wooing as hard as I can and this date is just going downhill fast. First you flood the restaurant with puke, then you force me to this rat infested tower and now you won't. Snog. I'm getting spurned here, aren't I?

[Debbie]

Grow up, Wayne.

[Wayne]

No, you grow up. All this moody, miserable stuff. Everyone hates me. The black clothes, the sulky looks. Just cheer up a bit, Eloise. Give us a smile. It might never happen.

[Eloise]

Right, that's it, Eloise.

[Wayne]

Don't look at me like that, Eloise.

[Eloise]

You asked for it. What's happened to your teeth?

[Wayne]

I've changed my mind about the snow again.

[Eloise]

Crikey. Out of the spot.

[Lucretia]

Oh, good morning, Louise.

[Eloise]

Oh, dear.

[Lucretia]

What a mess. What have you done to that poor boy?

[Eloise]

Lucretia.

[Lucretia]

My, you are a Hungry young vamp. But you must learn to be more tidy now that you're one of the honorable bloodsuckers.

[Eloise]

What have I done?

[Lucretia]

You have quenched at first face of the girl. You're a vampire.

[Eloise]

A vampire? Don't be daft.

[Lucretia]

Oh, yeah, look at your boyfriend.

[Eloise]

Oh, he's not really my boyfriend. Oh, poor Wayne. The first man to show interest in me for months is now lying at my feet in a pool of blood.

[Lucretia]

Feels good, doesn't it?

[Eloise]

Feels great.

[Lucretia]

Mind if I have a little suck?

[Eloise]

Auntie Lucretia is my date.

[Lucretia]

You're right, you caught him, you eat him. But wipe that blood off your chin. It's making me feel tacky.

[Eloise]

Will he be all right?

[Lucretia]

It's a very clumsy vampire that kills when feeding. You only need a mug full. For goodness sake. Don't worry, he'll forget everything when he wakes up.

[Eloise]

He's been quite nice to me recently.

[Lucretia]

Don't feel guilty. They take a pint at the bloodbank and all you get is a cup of tea and a biscuit.

[Eloise]

Will he be a vampire now?

[Lucretia]

No, it's not a disease, you know. We are special secret race. No longer would you tread with ordinary mortals. You've already been reincarnated twice.

[Eloise]

The dreams I was burnt at the stake.

[Lucretia]

Spring 1327. Merry old England.

[Debbie]

I knew it.

[Eloise]

And I was garrotted.

[Lucretia]

Ah, that bloody Spanish Inquisition.

[Eloise]

This is a lot to take in. That's why I had the problem with the garlic bread.

[Lucretia]

By the look of your hair, you've already noticed that you cast no reflection in mirrors.

[Eloise]

No, it's meant to look like this.

[Lucretia]

Oh, well, it's a design fault in vampire evolution. Mortals can see our reflection, but we can't. Still, most vampires learn the basic of personal grooming without a mirror in a few weeks. For you. A few minutes, I think.

[Eloise]

Hey, can I turn into a bat?

[Lucretia]

Now who is being that? I know you've got a million questions. That's why you have your Auntie Lucretia to teach you. We stick together, Vampires. Remember, blood is thicker than water. And a whole lot tastier too.

[Eloise]

I have this strange feeling coming over me. I think I'm happy. I could get used to this.

[Lucretia]

It can be fun being a vampire. Cross my heart and hope to die. Come on, I'll show you my crucifix collection. I've got 94 sofa plus 29 stars of David, seven fires of holy water and a four leaf clover set in plastic that says I love Val Dunniken.

[Eloise]

Bye, Lucretia. Hold on, Wayne. I'm the happiest vampire in the whole wide world. Seven days ago, I was a miserable moaning mini, embracing the unbreakable chains of futility. Now I'm a vampire. Checkout girl.

[Lucretia]

20Th century vampire was written by Joe Tanner and starred Luke, Louise Lombard, Joanna Kamska, William Ivory, Jane Hazelgrove, Fine Time Fontaine, Linda Pollen and Steve Hudson. It was produced by Liz Ansky.

[Eloise]

Hello, listeners. Eloise here. If any of you youngsters get an unquenchable desire to drink human blood, make sure you ask a parent or a teacher first. Remember, I'm a vampire and you're not.