20th Century Vampire 1993-xx-xx episode 1 Eloise Her Boyfriend and Her Tutor

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Harold's Old Time Radio"
Episode: 20th Century Vampire 1993-xx-xx Episode 1: Eloise, Her Boyfriend, and Her Tutor
Release Date: July 23, 2025

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Introduction

In the inaugural episode of 20th Century Vampire, Harold's Old Time Radio transports listeners to a nostalgic era reminiscent of the Golden Age of Radio. Set against the backdrop of a quaint supermarket, the episode weaves a darkly comedic tale of transformation, romance, and supernatural intrigue. The story centers on Eloise, a disenchanted checkout girl, whose mundane life takes a dramatic turn when she becomes a vampire under the tutelage of Joe Turner.

Plot Overview

Eloise's Transformation

The episode opens with Eloise expressing her deep-seated dissatisfaction with her life. Her monotonous routine at the Co Op supermarket is highlighted through her interactions with her mother and flatmate, Debbie. Amidst her bleak worldview, Eloise meets Joe Turner, her enigmatic tutor who introduces her to the world of vampirism.

At [00:59], Joe Turner ominously remarks:

"Good night, Eloise. There she goes, a leather clad vampire riding into the night with her boyfriend Wayne strapped to her back."

Joe assumes the role of mentor, laying out the ancient rites of vampirism that Eloise must adhere to. This initiation involves adopting dark attire, residing in silk-lined coffins, and relinquishing her day job, marking her transition from a mundane existence to a nocturnal being.

Eloise's Struggles and Relationships

As Eloise grapples with her new identity, her relationships become strained. Her mother, concerned yet dismissive, hints at Eloise's loneliness and lack of romantic fulfillment. Eloise's boyfriend, Wayne, although seemingly supportive, appears oblivious to the depths of her transformation.

For instance, at [03:46], Mum comments:

"Another piece of Battenberg, Lucretia."

Eloise's sarcastic response underscores her internal conflict:

"Perfect. I must keep running, Catcher. You're not catching me, you pogs ridden peasants."

Supernatural Encounters and Revelation

The narrative takes a darker turn as Eloise encounters villagers accusing her of witchcraft. These confrontations culminate in a surreal dream sequence where Eloise is tormented by a lynch mob and interrogated by a cardinal. This nightmare symbolizes her subconscious fears and the societal rejection she faces as she embraces her vampiric nature.

At [11:05], Eloise defiantly states:

"Well, don't trust them, they're peasants."

This is followed by a chaotic interaction where villagers demand her punishment, reflecting her struggle between her old life and her new vampire existence.

Acceptance and Embrace of Vampirism

Ultimately, Eloise begins to accept her transformation. After a tumultuous first date with Wayne that spirals into disaster, she confronts her true nature. Joe Turner reveals the full extent of her vampirism, assuring her that being a vampire is not a curse but a unique identity.

At [25:09], Joe Turner enlightens her:

"You have quenched at first. Face it, the girl, you're a vampire."

Eloise's reluctant acceptance is marked by her internal monologue:

"I'm the happiest vampire in the whole wide world. 7 days ago I was a miserable moaning mini, embracing the unbreakable chains of futility. Now I'm a vampire."

Character Analysis

Eloise
Eloise is portrayed as a deeply introspective and cynical young woman struggling with existential despair. Her journey from a disillusioned checkout girl to a vampire symbolizes a quest for meaning and empowerment in a world she perceives as bleak and unfulfilling.

Joe Turner
Joe serves as the catalyst for Eloise's transformation. His mentorship is both authoritative and enigmatic, providing Eloise with a pathway to embrace her newfound identity. His character embodies the allure and mystique of the supernatural.

Wayne
Wayne represents the conventional path of romantic aspiration. His inability to comprehend Eloise's transformation and his misguided attempts at romance highlight the challenges Eloise faces in maintaining normal relationships post-transformation.

Mum and Aunt Lucretia
Eloise's mother and Aunt Lucretia add depth to her personal life, showcasing her familial ties and the underlying tensions in her relationships. Aunt Lucretia's eccentric behavior and cryptic advice introduce additional layers of mystery and humor.

Debbie
Debbie, Eloise's flatmate, provides a grounded perspective amidst the supernatural chaos. Her pragmatic approach contrasts with Eloise's tumultuous emotions, offering moments of levity and normalcy.

Key Themes and Insights

Transformation and Identity
The central theme revolves around Eloise's transformation into a vampire, symbolizing a profound change in identity. This metamorphosis explores the challenges of adapting to new roles and the loss of former self-concepts.

Isolation and Loneliness
Eloise's journey underscores feelings of isolation and the struggle to find connection in a seemingly indifferent world. Her vampirism exacerbates her loneliness, making genuine relationships difficult to maintain.

Supernatural vs. Mundane
The juxtaposition of supernatural elements with everyday settings, like the supermarket, creates a unique narrative tension. This blend highlights how extraordinary changes can disrupt ordinary lives.

Humor in Darkness
Despite its dark subject matter, the episode employs humor through witty dialogues and absurd situations. This balance adds depth and makes the narrative more engaging and relatable.

Notable Quotes

• Joe Turner at [00:59]:
  "Good night, Eloise. There she goes, a leather clad vampire riding into the night with her boyfriend Wayne strapped to her back."

• Eloise at [03:15]:
  "Good night, Mum."

• Mum at [05:03]:
  "But Lucretia."

• Eloise at [16:27]:
  "Tell me more about the blood."

• Joe Turner at [25:09]:
  "You have quenched at first. Face it, the girl, you're a vampire."

• Eloise at [26:14]:
  "The dreams I was burnt at the stake."

• Eloise's final monologue at [28:10]:
  "Hold on, Wayne. I'm the happiest vampire in the whole wide world. 7 days ago I was a miserable moaning mini, embracing the unbreakable chains of futility. Now I'm a vampire. Checkout girl. And as the days grow old, the nights grow cold. I wanna moan."

Conclusion

The first episode of 20th Century Vampire masterfully blends elements of classic radio drama with modern storytelling. Eloise's transformation serves as a compelling narrative vehicle to explore themes of identity, isolation, and the quest for meaning. Through its richly developed characters and witty dialogues, the episode captivates listeners, setting the stage for an intriguing series that promises further adventures in the shadowy world of vampires and everyday life.

Listeners are left contemplating the delicate balance between embracing one's true nature and maintaining connections in a world that often feels alien and unwelcoming. As Eloise begins to navigate her new existence, the episode hints at the challenges and revelations that lie ahead in her vampiric journey.

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Credits:
20th Century Vampire was written by Joe Turner and features voices by Louise Lombard, Joanna Kamsca, William Ivory, Jane Hazelgrove, Fine Time Fontaine, Linda Pollen, and Steve Hudson. The episode was produced by Liz Anstey.

Transcript

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[Joe Turner]

20Th Century Vampire by Joe Turner. I love the dark and bitter taste of a 21st birthday party. Up here in my tower, high above the city, I watch over our birthday girl.

[Eloise]

Bye, Lucretia.

[Joe Turner]

Good night, Eloise. There she goes, a leather clad vampire riding into the night with her boyfriend Wayne strapped to her back. The first time is always special. Ancient honor and duty demands that I teach Eloise the language and law of vampirism. From now on, she must dress in the finest capes of black velvet, sleep in a silk lined coffin wrapped in a swirling mist, and give up her job in the Co Op. This checkout girl is now a vampire.

[Eloise]

I'm starving. So hungry, so hungry. Shut up. Eager or you wait. Mum. Now what's he got in the fridge for a midnight snack? Aha. Mmm. Very tasty.

[Mum]

Hello, Eve. Mum, what are you doing? It's after midnight.

[Eloise]

I'm just having a snack.

[Mum]

That joint was meant for the Sunday roast.

[Eloise]

No, I was a bit peckish.

[Mum]

If you'd waited till tomorrow, I'd have cooked it for you.

[Eloise]

It's fine raw.

[Mum]

So the vegetarian thing was just a phase?

[Eloise]

I suppose so.

[Mum]

Is Igor all right? You won't eat the dog, will you, Nob? He's a great comfort to me.

[Eloise]

Don't be daft, Mum.

[Mum]

Why do you always look so sad, Eloise?

[Eloise]

I was born under a black cloud, Mum.

[Mum]

Yes, I know. And the nuclear oligos just round the corner. But you do seem a bit more cheerful these days.

[Eloise]

I'm just a tiny speck of dust in the vortex of despair and alienation. Perhaps if you had a boyfriend.

[Mum]

What about that Wayne at the Co Op?

[Eloise]

Don't fuss, Mum.

[Mum]

Well, eat up your snack. You could do with a good meal to put some colour in your cheeks.

[Eloise]

Okay.

[Mum]

Oh, and wipe that blood off your chin. It is nice to have you home for the weekend. Good night, dear. Don't have nightmares.

[Eloise]

Good night, Mum.

[Mum]

Oh, Eloise.

[Eloise]

Yeah?

[Mum]

Cheer up, love. It might never happen.

[Eloise]

Oh, I hate it when she says that. Anything else to snack on black pudding. Perfect. I must keep running, Catcher. You're not catching me, you pogs ridden peasants.

[Mum]

Another piece of Battenberg, Lucretia.

[Joe Turner]

I'd love to sink my teeth into that tea, Mum.

[Mum]

Lovely.

[Joe Turner]

Tell me tales of your life, lovely Louise.

[Eloise]

Not much to tell. I'm still a checkout girl in that stagnant pond of despair they call a co op.

[Joe Turner]

See, you're right. She's positively chirpy compared to last year.

[Mum]

Your Auntie Lucretia's brought you a present.

[Eloise]

It's not my birthday till Friday.

[Joe Turner]

Never mind. Open it.

[Aunt Lucretia]

Now.

[Eloise]

A toothbrush.

[Joe Turner]

You look after your teeth and your teeth will look after you. Open wide. Show Auntie Lucretia. Sharp as razors. Coming along nicely. Oh, precious. Little Eager has sniffed me out. Let him in, Eloise.

[Mum]

I don't know about little. He's an Irish wolfhound.

[Eloise]

Are you sure?

[Joe Turner]

Oh, he wants to see his Auntie Lucretia. He loves to chew on Lucretia's arm, doesn't he? He loves his Auntie Lucretia.

[Mum]

Lucretia. Be careful. He's biting you.

[Joe Turner]

But Auntie Lucretia bites. Berg doesn't sing.

[Mum]

But Lucretia.

[Joe Turner]

Oh, don't fuss. I only give him a little nip. Now stand up, Eloise. Let me have a good look at you.

[Eloise]

Feast your eyes. I'm not long for this world.

[Joe Turner]

You look more and more adorable every year. Your thick dark hair and pale complexion.

[Mum]

That's makeup.

[Eloise]

I'm not wearing makeup.

[Joe Turner]

Those dark green eyes and ruby red lips.

[Mum]

That's a nice dress, dear. It's a lovely shade of. What is that colour?

[Eloise]

Black?

[Mum]

Yes, but it's quite a cheerful black, isn't it?

[Joe Turner]

When I was a girl, the men folk of our village would weep to see my beauty and sacrifice small animals to honor my name.

[Eloise]

When was this?

[Joe Turner]

The good old days, back in the old country. Oh, well, the Butterbeck was delicious as always. But it's time to go.

[Mum]

I think I'll get your cake.

[Eloise]

But you've only just got here.

[Joe Turner]

Eloise. I'd like you to visit me on your birthday. Just before midnight. Here is my card.

[Debbie]

Keep it safe.

[Mum]

See you next year, little creature.

[Joe Turner]

Toodle doo.

[Eloise]

Bye, Mum. Who is that woman?

[Mum]

I don't know, love, but she never forgets your birthday.

[Eloise]

I must keep running.

[Wayne]

Catch her.

[Eloise]

You're not catching me, you pogs ridden peasants.

[Debbie]

Stop struggling, girl. We got you now.

[Eloise]

Let me go.

[Wayne]

You're an evil witch, girl. And we're gonna burn you in this dark forest. Hey, ugly crone. Stop chewing that Turn and light a fire.

[Debbie]

She's a dirty devil bitch for sure. Let me jab her in the face with my flaming tart.

[Eloise]

Eat my spit, you black toothed old troll. Ah.

[Debbie]

The witch's spittle is burning me faces, destroying me beauty.

[Wayne]

You ain't got no beauty. That's why we call you Ugly Crone. No need to thump me.

[Debbie]

The witch's spitting has given me a strange new beauty previously unknown to humankind. From henceforth, I shall be known as Beautiful Crone.

[Wayne]

Very well, Beautiful Crone. What should we do with a witch?

[Eloise]

Simple village folk.

[Debbie]

What say you?

[Wayne]

Burn the witch?

[Eloise]

Yeah, burn the witch.

[Dentist]

Burn away.

[Eloise]

You don't understand.

[Wayne]

Don't she look like a tragic Gothic heroine of noble birth?

[Eloise]

Actually, I'm a checkout girl at the Co Op.

[Debbie]

I'm gonna burn in hell for your evil deeds.

[Eloise]

No, please let me go. Oh, God, I hate Monday mornings.

[Debbie]

Wakey, wakey, blackmate.

[Eloise]

Rise and shine, sodor. Come on.

[Joe Turner]

Curtains open.

[Eloise]

Ah.

[Debbie]

Sun's out and the birds are singing.

[Eloise]

And the bottomless pit of despair beckons. Another suicide.

[Debbie]

That's not a nice way to describe a small supermarket.

[Eloise]

Go away. I ate ya.

[Debbie]

I've brought you a mug of tea. How was the weekend at your mum's?

[Eloise]

Plagued by nightmares and midnight snacks.

[Debbie]

I had a nice time too, thank you for asking.

[Eloise]

How was your weekend?

[Debbie]

I went pony trekking and saw 12 butterflies.

[Eloise]

I have a vision. The four pony trekkers of the Apocalypse with a cloud of black and angry butterflies swarming above their grotesquely misshapen heads.

[Debbie]

That reminds me. Are you going to go out with Wayne?

[Eloise]

Why? Are you trying to pair me off with a man whose name only springs into your mind when I mention grotesquely misshapen heads?

[Debbie]

Correct me if I'm wrong, Eloise, but you have no friends and everyone who knows you hates you.

[Eloise]

Are you suggesting there's something wrong with that?

[Debbie]

It's very nice of you to give me a lift to work on your moped.

[Eloise]

It's not a moped. It's a 1972 Triumph Bonneville.

[Debbie]

You won't go fast, will ya?

[Eloise]

Course not.

[Debbie]

Jot on, Bonnie wheel.

[Eloise]

Chop chop.

[Mr. Jenkins]

Wayne, It's Monday morning and there are hundreds of super safe bargains for the happy shopper.

[Wayne]

Permission to speak, Mr. Jenkins?

[Mr. Jenkins]

Go ahead, Wayne.

[Wayne]

Can we speak man to man?

[Mr. Jenkins]

We can try our best.

[Wayne]

I was just wondering whether there was any news on my request for promotion to the meat counter. It's just I really think an upwards career move could greatly enhance the fledgling romance I'm nurturing.

[Mr. Jenkins]

Right Now, I don't approve of romance, Wayne. Get on with packing those cardboard boxes.

[Wayne]

Oh, but me heart is pining with desire for the lovely eloise win. Yes, Mr. Jenkins.

[Mr. Jenkins]

Boxers.

[Wayne]

Right. Oh, Mr. Jenkins.

[Debbie]

Morning, Mr. Jenkins.

[Mr. Jenkins]

You look a bit windswept, Debbie.

[Debbie]

More like a Force 10 gale, Mr. Jenkins.

[Mr. Jenkins]

Biscuits, snacks and savoury nibbles. Aisle seven, please, Debbie. Nice weekend, Eloise?

[Eloise]

No.

[Villager]

Good.

[Mr. Jenkins]

I take it you're to blame for the lovesick Wayne.

[Eloise]

I just keep me head down and try to survive in this bleak vale of nothingness.

[Mr. Jenkins]

And I shall try to make your life here as miserable as possible.

[Eloise]

Thank you.

[Mr. Jenkins]

Now, while I try to devise some impossible task that will cause you everlasting pain, could you fill in until 5?

[Eloise]

If I must.

[Mr. Jenkins]

Oh, Eloise.

[Eloise]

What? Cheer up.

[Mr. Jenkins]

It might never happen.

[Eloise]

Biscuits, baked beans, bread, bacon, broccoli, butter.

[Villager]

Blast Femi, Devil watching witchcraft and French kissing the village priest.

[Eloise]

I don't know what you're talking about. And why am I strapped to this chair?

[Villager]

You stand accused of any crime.

[Eloise]

Will you stop dribbling on me?

[Villager]

The villagers are testify against you.

[Eloise]

Well, don't trust them, they're peasants.

[Villager]

No, I want to come forward to spake on your behalf.

[Eloise]

That's because everyone hates me except Debbie. And she wouldn't be seen dead in this dungeon.

[Villager]

Corner fest. Now any place in heaven is yours.

[Eloise]

Has this got anything to do with me not having a boyfriend? I'll go out with Wayne if you like.

[Wayne]

Fish.

[Villager]

Your eyes on our delightful torture equipment.

[Eloise]

First.

[Villager]

We have the rack. Another quarter turn for the sheep molest Twerks. And then they read Hot book hair. Changed the landscape had and there the meaning of divine retribution. I am going to destroy your page.

[Eloise]

Not necessarily, slobber chops. I know this is just a dream. I'll wake up in a minute and you'll be history.

[Mum]

Excuse me, miss.

[Villager]

You're not fun.

[Joe Turner]

Miss.

[Mum]

Excuse me.

[Villager]

Get the karate machine now.

[Mum]

Excuse me, miss.

[Eloise]

Oh, sorry. I was miles away. Somewhere nice, a rat infested torture chamber.

[Mum]

I was just wondering, is this tin of tuna dolphin friendly?

[Eloise]

No, it hates dolphins and goes seal calling at the weekends.

[Mum]

Really?

[Debbie]

Eloise. Eloise, have you heard the news?

[Eloise]

What news?

[Debbie]

Wayne's been promoted to the meat counter.

[Eloise]

Hello? Hello?

[Mr. Jenkins]

Chat alert. I can hear chatting.

[Debbie]

Oh, Mr. Jenkins, I didn't see you.

[Mr. Jenkins]

Exactly.

[Eloise]

It's just one of your many mystical psychic powers powers, isn't it, Mr. Jenkins?

[Mr. Jenkins]

We'll have no talk of supernatural in my supermarket, thank you.

[Debbie]

I'd better get back to stacking those shelves.

[Mr. Jenkins]

Eloise.

[Eloise]

Yes, Mr. Jenkins, about your clothes. What about me clothes?

[Mr. Jenkins]

Do you have to wear so much black?

[Eloise]

It's my response to a decaying world.

[Mr. Jenkins]

It's depressing the customers. A lot of them are on drugs as it is. We don't want to tip them over the edge.

[Eloise]

Pass me the beetroot.

[Debbie]

Are you sure you don't want me to cook?

[Eloise]

No. Give that a stir. Now, just a dash of sauce. Taste that.

[Debbie]

Oh, it's horrible.

[Eloise]

Yeah, but it's a lovely colour.

[Debbie]

I don't think brown's a lovely colour.

[Eloise]

What do you dream about, Debbie?

[Debbie]

Actually, I have a recurring dream. I'm at the village gymkhana, riding a chestnut pony with yellow ribbons braided in his mane, and I float over all the jumps and win the gold medal.

[Eloise]

The same dream every time? No.

[Debbie]

Sometimes we fall at the first jump and the pony splits open and his guts slop out and a swarm of killer bees burst out of his innards and start attacking me face.

[Eloise]

Get off.

[Wayne]

Get up.

[Eloise]

How often do you get that?

[Debbie]

Only if I eat cheese. Tell me your dreams, Eloise.

[Eloise]

I keep having the same too. In the first one, I'm chased through a forest by a mad lynch mob who catch me, tie me up and burn me at the stake.

[Debbie]

What about the other one?

[Eloise]

I'm in a dungeon, strapped in a chair with a bloated cardinal interrogating me.

[Debbie]

How does that one end?

[Eloise]

They go rot.

[Debbie]

Me no ponies.

[Eloise]

Then why do I share a flat with you?

[Debbie]

Debbie, do you know, don't you think that Wayne looks smart in his new butcher's apron?

[Eloise]

Very nice.

[Debbie]

He's feeling a lot more confident since his promotion. I think he might ask you out tomorrow.

[Eloise]

Do you need the bathroom?

[Debbie]

No.

[Eloise]

Why? It's dark. I'm going to lie in a bath of cold water for a couple of hours.

[Debbie]

I sense romance in the air.

[Eloise]

Hello?

[Aunt Lucretia]

Oh, Eloise, darling, A thought has just entered my head. In case you were wondering. The nearest blood donor center is in Westgate street, opposite the Marks and Spencer. Have a nice day.

[Eloise]

I'm getting worse at mornings.

[Wayne]

Hello? Eloise, it's me.

[Eloise]

Hello, Wayne.

[Wayne]

May I speak to you?

[Eloise]

Difficult to say, Wayne. If I don't finish pricing these kinds of Alphabetti spaghetti, my will to live may finally expire.

[Wayne]

You're feeling a bit poorly, then?

[Eloise]

I can't sleep. I'm ravenously hungry all the time and the sun hurts me eyes.

[Wayne]

Those dark glasses suit you.

[Eloise]

What do you want?

[Wayne]

Notice anything different about me?

[Joe Turner]

Of course.

[Eloise]

I'm not blind. You're wearing a dead, fetching blood Spattered butcher's apron.

[Wayne]

I try to keep it clean, but there's so much blood on the meat counter.

[Eloise]

I can imagine.

[Wayne]

See, I got me promotion and I feel that now I'm leaping up the co op career ladder, I'm in a position to declare my feelings for you.

[Eloise]

Tell me more about the blood.

[Wayne]

I'm proud to announce that I would like you to become my official girlfriend.

[Eloise]

Well, let's not rush things, Wayne. Why don't I just lick your apron first and then see how the relationship develops from there?

[Wayne]

I intend to woo you, Eloise.

[Eloise]

Strangely enough, Wayne, I feel a little faint with you standing there smelling of fresh meat.

[Wayne]

I shall accept that as a compliment. And now I wonder whether you would do me the honor of allowing me to escort you to a fine Italian restaurant for a sumptuous romantic dinner to celebrate your forthcoming birthday on Friday night.

[Eloise]

Well, a van public hanging, so why not?

[Wayne]

Is that.

[Eloise]

Yes, I think so. But I'm not really feeling myself.

[Wayne]

Oh, this is the happiest day of my life.

[Eloise]

Hello?

[Aunt Lucretia]

Hello, Elise, It's Lucretia.

[Eloise]

It's 7:30 in the morning.

[Aunt Lucretia]

I know it's naughty of me, but I could not resist sending you a little birthday present. Don't shake the box, you might kill him.

[Eloise]

I hate mornings.

[Debbie]

The postman left a package for you. Lucky girl. Open it now. Open it now. I gave it a little shake, it squeaked.

[Mum]

Squeaked.

[Eloise]

Oh, hello, Aunt Alecretia.

[Joe Turner]

Oh, hello, darling.

[Eloise]

I just phoned to thank you for the present.

[Aunt Lucretia]

Oh, isn't he totally adorable?

[Eloise]

Totally.

[Joe Turner]

I remember how much he wanted a.

[Aunt Lucretia]

Pet as a child, but Hampstead Gerbils lack a certain style, don't you think?

[Eloise]

Yeah, I've always wanted a pet bat.

[Aunt Lucretia]

Make sure you take a good care of him.

[Eloise]

I'm not sure I know how to look after a bat.

[Aunt Lucretia]

So easy. If he starts to look a bit picky, find the nearest field, plough a single pharaoh, copulate in it, and then slaughter a lamb and cast its entrails on the ground. It's a bit messy, I know, but it could save you a fortune in vet's bills. Bye for now.

[Eloise]

Bye.

[Aunt Lucretia]

Oh, oh, don't forget you've got a dentist appointment today. And as I always say, you look after your teeth and your teeth will look after you.

[Eloise]

I thought I was weird, but that woman's got bats in her belfry. Whoa.

[Dentist]

You nearly had my thumb off.

[Eloise]

You shouldn't have stuck it in there.

[Dentist]

I'm a dentist, that's my job.

[Eloise]

Look at that.

[Dentist]

You've done it. Again. It's all bent out of shape.

[Eloise]

That's not my fault.

[Dentist]

That was my unbreakable tungsten probe. You've ruined it.

[Eloise]

Told me to bite.

[Dentist]

I didn't tell you to wreck my entire toolkit of expensive dental instruments.

[Eloise]

Do I need a filling?

[Dentist]

You need a government health warning. Your teeth should be registered as dangerous weapons.

[Eloise]

Can I go, then?

[Dentist]

Yes. But if your upper canines protrude any further, you may have to wear a brace.

[Eloise]

Damn.

[Dentist]

You don't want to look like Dracula.

[Eloise]

Mom?

[Aunt Lucretia]

Yes, dear?

[Eloise]

Do we have a history of mental illness in the family?

[Mum]

No, dear. Why do you ask?

[Eloise]

Nothing, really. It's just. I can't sleep. I'm plagued by nightmares, I'm ravenously hungry all the time, and I feel faint at the smell of meat.

[Aunt Lucretia]

I see.

[Mum]

Have you got a boyfriend yet?

[Wayne]

Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear Eloise Happy birthday.

[Eloise]

To you People are staring at you, Wayne.

[Wayne]

Everybody loves a birthday.

[Eloise]

What are you doing?

[Wayne]

I can't get a top off this bottle of lager. Can you call the waiter for me?

[Eloise]

No need. Pass it here.

[Wayne]

Wow. You must have good teeth.

[Eloise]

Well, as I always say, you look after your teeth and your teeth will look after you.

[Wayne]

I'm ever so chuffed that you agreed to come out with me tonight. On a date.

[Eloise]

It'll probably be a disaster. Everything I touch turns to crud.

[Wayne]

How come you always look so sad and sulky, Eloise?

[Eloise]

The world, Wayne, is a black and alien place that has no space in it for me.

[Wayne]

Oh, go on, give us a smile.

[Eloise]

No.

[Wayne]

It takes less muscles to smile than it does to frown.

[Eloise]

My face needs the exercise.

[Wayne]

Eloise.

[Eloise]

What?

[Wayne]

Cheer up. It might never happen.

[Eloise]

Wayne, if you ever say that again, I will rip your throat out and feed it to rabid dogs.

[Wayne]

Pardon me. Message received and understood.

[Dentist]

You're a garlic breader, Madame.

[Eloise]

About time, too. I'm ravenous.

[Wayne]

Eloise, are you all right? You look a bit pale. I mean, a bit paler than normal.

[Eloise]

I think I'm. I'm gonna be.

[Wayne]

Oh, crikey, Eloise. What did you have for breakfast?

[Eloise]

What's going on here?

[Wayne]

Sorry, mate. My girlfriend's feeling a bit Strange.

[Dentist]

Sick.

[Mr. Jenkins]

Should I fetch a bucket?

[Wayne]

Well, it's too late for that, mate. She's in full flow. She's plucking all over my table. She's not my girlfriend. Really? Well, it's our first date. But I hope that one day soon she will do me the honor of becoming my official girlfriend.

[Dentist]

Madame, could you stop throwing up, please? You're frightening the other day. In there.

[Wayne]

It's a birthday. It must be the excitement. Madame Eloise. That is the most horrible shade of brown I've ever seen.

[Dentist]

Please stop her hair. She flooded the ristorante.

[Wayne]

Well, there's no stopping her now, mate. We'll just have to wait till she runs out of pew.

[Eloise]

I told you it'd be a disaster.

[Wayne]

I'm still having a good time.

[Eloise]

I'm still hungry.

[Wayne]

Where are we going?

[Eloise]

I said I'd visit me auntie tonight. Come on. She only lives around the corner.

[Wayne]

Bloody hell. It's a castle in the middle of town. I never noticed that before. I'm sure this is the right place. It looks dead creepy.

[Eloise]

Shut up, Wayne. Ring the bell.

[Wayne]

You could wake the dead with a doorbell like that.

[Eloise]

Come on.

[Wayne]

Look at the cobwebs. There's this mould growing on the walls.

[Eloise]

This is my kind of place.

[Wayne]

Personally, I'd rather have a bungalow.

[Eloise]

Come on, there's a lift.

[Wayne]

It don't look safe. I'll take the stairs.

[Eloise]

There are no stairs. Come on.

[Wayne]

Which floor, madam?

[Eloise]

There's only one button.

[Wayne]

So, tell me about dear old Auntie Lucretia.

[Eloise]

Have you washed recently, Wayne?

[Wayne]

What kind of a question is that?

[Eloise]

I smell neat.

[Wayne]

Bloody hell. I use old bottle of Old Spice and two cans of root.

[Eloise]

Yeah, I can smell that too.

[Wayne]

It's really tough getting the meaty smell out after work.

[Eloise]

I like it.

[Joe Turner]

You do?

[Eloise]

Yeah. Nearly at the top now.

[Wayne]

Don't be frightened, Eloise, but I think I'm becoming overwhelmed with powerful feelings for you.

[Eloise]

Not now, Wayne.

[Wayne]

Nobody here. Looks like she's gone out. Looks like she was never in.

[Eloise]

What a brilliant place.

[Wayne]

You all right, Eloise?

[Eloise]

I'm just a bit excited.

[Wayne]

You look great when you're excited.

[Eloise]

Let's have a look around.

[Wayne]

Your aunt's not a big fan of furniture.

[Eloise]

Look up there. She really has got bats in her belfry. What's that wooden box?

[Wayne]

Just an old coffin. Look, I know this is a dank and smelly castle, but would this be a bad time to suggest that we enjoy our first kiss?

[Eloise]

Yeah. Help me get the lid off this coffin.

[Wayne]

Oh, bloody hell. Eloise. I'm trying my best to be romantic here. I'm wooing as hard as I can and this date is just going downhill fast. First you flood the restaurant with puke, then you force me to this rat infested tower and now you won't snog. I'm getting spurned here, aren't I?

[Debbie]

Grow up, Wayne.

[Wayne]

No, you grow up. All this moody Miserable stuff. Everyone hates me. The black clothes, the sulky looks. Just cheer up a bit, Eloise. Give us a smile. It might never happen.

[Eloise]

Right, that's it, Eloise.

[Wayne]

Don't look at me like that, Eloise.

[Eloise]

You asked for it. Hey, what's up to your teeth?

[Wayne]

I've changed my mind about the snow again.

[Eloise]

Crikey. Hi. The spot.

[Joe Turner]

Oh, good morning, Louise. Oh, dear, what a mess. What have you done to that poor boy?

[Eloise]

Lucretia.

[Joe Turner]

My, you are a hungry young bump. But you must learn to be more tidy now that you're one of the honorable blood suckers.

[Eloise]

What have I done?

[Joe Turner]

You have quenched at first. Face it, the girl, you're a vampire.

[Eloise]

A vampire? Don't be daft.

[Joe Turner]

Oh, yeah, look at your boyfriend.

[Eloise]

Oh, he's not really my boyfriend. Oh, poor Wayne. The first man to show interest in me for months is now lying at my feet in a pool of blood.

[Joe Turner]

Feels good, doesn't it?

[Eloise]

Feels great.

[Joe Turner]

Mind if I have a little suck?

[Eloise]

Auntie Lucretia is my date.

[Joe Turner]

You're right. You caught him. You eat him. But wipe that blood off your chin. It's making me feel tacky.

[Eloise]

Will he be all right?

[Joe Turner]

It's a very clumsy vampire that kills when feeding. You only need a mug full. For goodness sake. Don't worry, he'll forget everything when he wakes up.

[Eloise]

He's been quite nice to me recently.

[Joe Turner]

Don't feel guilty. They take a pint at the bloodbank and all you get is a cup of tea and a biscuit.

[Eloise]

Will he be a vampire now?

[Joe Turner]

No, it's not a disease, you know. We are special secret race. No longer with you three. With ordinary mortals. You've already been reincarnated twice.

[Eloise]

The dreams I was burnt at the stake.

[Joe Turner]

Spring 1327 merry old England.

[Debbie]

I knew it.

[Eloise]

And I was garrotted.

[Joe Turner]

Ah, that bloody Spanish Inquisition.

[Eloise]

This is a lot to take in. That's why I had the problem with the garlic bread.

[Joe Turner]

By the look of your hair, you've already noticed that you cast no reflection in mirrors.

[Eloise]

No, it's meant to look like this.

[Mum]

Oh.

[Joe Turner]

Well, it's a design fault in vampire evolution. Mortals can see our reflection, but we can't. Still, most vampires learn the basic of personal grooming without a mirror in a few weeks. For you. A few minutes, I think.

[Eloise]

Hey, can I turn into a bat?

[Joe Turner]

Now who is being ducked? I know you've got a million questions. That's why you have your Auntie Lucretia to teach you. We stick together, vampires. Remember, blood is thicker than water. And a whole lot tastier too.

[Eloise]

I have this strange feeling coming over me. I think I'm happy. I could get used to this.

[Joe Turner]

Oh, it can be fun being a vampire. Cross my heart and hope to die. Come on, I'll show you my crucifix collection. I've got 94 so far, plus 29 Stars of David, seven fires of holy water and a four leaf clover set in plastic that says I love Val Dunnican.

[Debbie]

Valucretia.

[Eloise]

Hold on, Wayne. I'm the happiest vampire in the whole wide world. 7 days ago I was a miserable moaning mini, embracing the unbreakable chains of futility. Now I'm a vampire. Checkout girl. And as the days grow old, the nights grow cold. I wanna moan.

[Joe Turner]

20Th century vampire was written by Joe Tanner and starred Louise Lombard, Joanna Kamsca, William Ivory, Jane Hazelgrove, Fine Time Fontaine, Linda Pollen and Steve Hudson. It was produced by Liz Anstey.

[Eloise]

Hello, listeners. Eloise here. If any of you youngsters get an unquenchable desire to drink human blood, make sure you ask a parent or a teacher first. Remember, I'm a vampire and you're not.