20th Century Vampire 19xx-xx-xx episode 6 Love Shack

Summary

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20th Century Vampire – Episode 6: "Love Shack"

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Air Date: August 16, 2025
Summary by: Podcast Summarizer AI

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Overview

In this episode of 20th Century Vampire, the quirky British radio comedy leans into its blend of supernatural hijinks and relationship foibles. Central characters Eloise and Wayne grapple with romantic tension and burgeoning passions, only for an ancient evil (the Burgermeister) to be unleashed—quite literally—from a mysterious oak box. The action is set against domestic mishaps, a backdrop of DIY disaster, and the inexorable pull of ancient vampire lore. Humorous misunderstandings, supernatural possession, and a climactic duel (in a supermarket!) set this episode apart.

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Key Discussion Points & Plot Progression

1. Romantic Frustrations and Vampire Urges

[00:17 – 01:54]

• Wayne and Eloise, together for six weeks, are on the brink of consummating their relationship.
• Eloise hesitates: “It’s complicated, Wayne.” Wayne pushes: “If we don’t do it soon, I might explode.”
• Eloise reveals her own passionate urges but needs more time.
• Wayne’s comedic exasperation with Eloise’s hesitance is a recurring theme, merging standard sitcom romance with a vampire’s primal desires.

Notable Quotes:

• Wayne: “But we’ve been courting for six weeks now. Are we ever going to have a shag?” [01:09]
• Eloise: “You have hormones too?” [01:38]
• Eloise: “If you only knew what was really inside me…” [02:05]

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2. Comic Relief—Side Characters & Awkward Interruptions

[02:15 – 03:34]

• Debbie walks in on the couple, escalating the embarrassment.
• Humorous reminders of thin apartment walls, nosy neighbors, and intrusive friends underscore the couple’s frustrations.

Notable Quotes:

• Debbie: “Look at Wayne’s face. He’s like a puppy waiting for a bone.” [02:34]

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3. Vampire Mentoring and Advice

[03:19 – 07:38]

• Eloise consults Lucrezia, her older, vampiric mentor, about love, sex, and supernatural urges.
• Lucrezia humorously recounts her lovers, most notably magician Paul Daniels (“Only those who have loved him know how Paul Daniels can set the sheets on fire...” [06:32])
• The blurred lines between sexual and vampiric desires are discussed:
  • Eloise: “I don’t know if I want to make passionate love to him or suck his blood.” [05:42]

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4. A Castle to Themselves—Plot Device for Trouble

[07:25 – 09:18]

• Lucrezia leaves Eloise and Wayne to "castle-sit" during her holiday, granting them privacy but warning not to open a jeweled oak box.
• This sets up the classic “Pandora’s box” trope, which Wayne predictably violates after a minor injury.

Notable Quotes:

• Lucrezia: “Whatever you do, don’t open it.” [08:49]
• Eloise: “Not the old Pandora’s box cliché.” [09:00]

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5. DIY Gone Wrong—The Box Is Opened

[09:52 – 12:19]

• Wayne, seeking first aid, opens the forbidden box, unwittingly releasing the evil Burgermeister.
• The opening is accompanied by classic supernatural radio effects (“whooshing sound”).
• Wayne feels strange after the event, foreshadowing his later possession.

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6. Possession and the Burgermeister's Challenge

[13:08 – 16:02]

• At the pub, Wayne abruptly changes demeanor, adopts a foreign accent, and exhibits supernatural strength—he is now possessed by the Burgermeister.
• The horror is played for laughs (“I am the Burgermeister—I wonder if it [Wayne’s body] is strong enough to smash this table!” [13:32])
• The Burgermeister issues a formal challenge to duel Eloise to the death.

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7. Preparations for the Duel—Vampire Lore Explained

[17:48 – 21:52]

• Lucrezia returns unexpectedly due to a flight cancellation.
• She explains the gravity of the situation: every vampire has an immortal enemy, destined to duel.
• Lucrezia gives Eloise a crash course in dueling, instructing her in fencing as time ticks down.

Notable Quotes:

• Lucrezia: “Every vampire has a mortal enemy—literally one mortal whose spirit enjoys eternal life with one purpose: to kill his vampire partner.” [20:11]
• Lucrezia: “All I can do is help you choose the place…and teach you all I can of dueling protocol.” [20:54]

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8. The Supermarket Duel—Absurdist Showdown

[22:05 – 26:00]

• Eloise cleverly insists on a duel in the local Co-Op supermarket; the Burgermeister chooses pistols as their weapons of choice.
• Not following the rules, Eloise empties both pistols, sparking chaos. The duel devolves into a farcical food fight, using supermarket products as improvised ammunition (spaghetti hoops, frozen peas, faggots in gravy).
• Physical comedy abounds—shopping trolleys, slinging tinned goods, slapstick violence.

Notable Quotes & Moments:

• Burgermeister: “This Supermarket is packed with ammunition!” [23:58]
• Eloise: “Prepare for a hail of frozen peas from my shopping trolley chariot!” [24:24]

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9. Resolution & Reveal—Dream or Reality?

[26:00 – 27:10]

• As the duel reaches its bizarre climax with mutual strangling and romantic overtures (“Would it offend ancient vampire lore if I were to kiss you hard and strong?” [25:44]), Eloise awakens.
• The entire supernatural confrontation is revealed as a knock-on-the-head-induced dream while wallpapering.
• Eloise finally declares she’s ready to make love to Wayne, closing the episode with romantic (and comedic) fulfillment.

Notable Quotes:

• Eloise: “Wayne, I’m ready to make love. Are you ready?” [26:22]
• Wayne: “I’ve been ready for weeks.” [26:26]

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Memorable Moments & Humor

• Sex vs. Vampire Urges: Eloise’s uncertainty if she wants Wayne “in the most primitive, bestial and sweaty way” or simply as a vampire snack.
• Lucrezia’s Lovers: The count’s deadpan boasting about “17,426” lovers, including celebrity magician Paul Daniels.
• Supernatural Possession: Wayne switching voices and personalities mid-pub, to the confusion of all.
• Supermarket Showdown: The final duel is less swordplay and more food fight, with Eloise weaponizing “family packs of fish fingers” and “faggots in gravy.”
• Resolution: The dream twist and return to romantic farce—wallpaper paste standing in for battlefield gore.

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Episode Structure & Timestamps

• [00:17–01:54]: Wayne & Eloise’s romantic tension—comic foreplay vs. existential vampirism.
• [03:19–07:38]: Lucrezia’s comic mentorship—vampire love life advice.
• [09:52–12:19]: DIY accident leads to opening of forbidden box; Burgermeister released.
• [13:08–16:02]: Wayne possessed; duel challenge issued.
• [17:48–21:52]: Lucrezia coaches Eloise in vampire dueling rituals.
• [22:05–26:00]: Duel at the supermarket; slapstick action and food-based warfare.
• [26:00–End]: The twist—everything was a knock-on-the-head dream; romantic resolution.

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Tone & Style

The episode combines the arch, innuendo-rich banter of British sitcoms, the gothic parody of classic radio horror, and the farcical logic of a supernatural romcom. The humor is cheeky, quick-witted, and just this side of slapstick, with frequent asides poking fun at both vampire stories and mundane British life.

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Summary

"Love Shack" deftly balances romantic comedy, supernatural farce, and light social satire. Rooted in classic radio traditions with a modern twist, the episode piles on innuendo, domestic mishaps, and tongue-in-cheek vampire mythology—culminating in an unforgettable food-fight duel at the supermarket. For established fans and newcomers alike, it’s a showcase of 20th Century Vampire’s blend of British wit and supernatural hijinks.

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Notable Quotes Recap:

• “But we’ve been courting for six weeks now. Are we ever going to have a shag?” – Wayne [01:09]
• “I don’t know if I want to make passionate love to him or suck his blood.” – Eloise [05:42]
• “Every vampire has a mortal enemy...with one purpose: to kill his vampire partner.” – Lucrezia [20:11]
• “Prepare for a hail of frozen peas from my shopping trolley chariot!” – Eloise [24:24]
• “I’m ready to make love. Are you ready?” – Eloise [26:22]

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Transcript

[A]

Twentieth Century Vampire by Joe Turner oh, Eloise.

[B]

Oh, Wayne.

[A]

I love you, Eloise. Every gorgeous little bit of you.

[B]

Wayne.

[C]

Yeah?

[D]

Is that your hand on my bum?

[C]

Do you want me to stop?

[D]

No, I like it.

[C]

Oh, you taste so nice.

[D]

So do you. Salty, meaty. Oh, I could just sink my teeth into that strong, manly neck.

[B]

No, stop it. That's enough. What's the matter?

[C]

I nearly fell off the sofa.

[B]

It's not right. Something's wrong. This music, it's romantic.

[C]

It's crap.

[A]

Oh, well, that's buggered the mood.

[D]

Sorry, Wayne, that's just how I feel.

[C]

I respect that, Eloise.

[A]

And I respect you.

[C]

But we've been courting for six weeks now. Are we ever going to have a shag?

[A]

Pardon my French.

[D]

It's complicated, Wayne.

[A]

Actually, Eloise, it's not complicated at all. You see, the man and the woman love each other, so they go to.

[C]

Bed and the man puts his.

[D]

I know how to do it. I'm just not ready.

[C]

I don't want to put pressure on.

[A]

You, Eloise, but I'm busting.

[C]

If we don't do it soon, I might explode.

[D]

I can see that, Wayne.

[C]

I'm at the mercy of me hormones.

[D]

Me too.

[C]

You have hormones too?

[D]

Course I do.

[A]

The same urges, the same desires.

[D]

Look, Wayne, I want you, all right? I want you in the most primitive, bestial and sweaty way. I just need a little time to sort things out.

[A]

Oh, you're worth waiting for, Eloise. How about a cuddle?

[D]

Come here.

[A]

I'm so chuffed. You have hormones, too.

[D]

Oh, if you only knew what was really inside me.

[C]

I'd like to get to explore the outside first.

[D]

Oh, that's nice. Do it again.

[B]

Stand by bed. That makes home. Debbie.

[D]

Sorry, I didn't realize you were at it. We were not at it.

[B]

Why not? It's none of your bloody business.

[D]

Come on, Eloise.

[B]

You've been going out for six weeks. You should have done it by now. How do you know we haven't?

[D]

Well, look at Wayne's face. He's like a puppy waiting for a bone.

[A]

Sorry, Eloise, my face is an open book.

[D]

Besides, the walls are so thin in this flat, there's no way you could.

[E]

Do it without me knowing.

[B]

All right, Just leave it.

[D]

So what's the problem?

[B]

We haven't got a problem.

[D]

Have you got a problem, Wayne, down below?

[A]

Oh, everything's fine on my undercarriage.

[D]

Let me get this right. Wayne loves Eloise, Eloise loves Wayne. Nature must take its course. It's not that simple. Yes, it is. Eloise. You see, the man and the woman love each other, so they go to bed and the man puts him.

[B]

I know how to do it. Lucretia, are you in there?

[C]

Oh, Eloise.

[E]

It'S you.

[B]

It's midnight.

[D]

How come you're still asleep?

[E]

I don't feel too good, Eloise. I've got a cold in my nose.

[D]

Oh, I can see. Sounds like a real stinky.

[B]

Oh.

[E]

I'm confined to coughing with a hot water bottle and a Vicks Vapor wrap until I can.

[B]

Say get off.

[D]

Frankly, I'm not surprised. It's bloody cold in this castle. And drafted, you could do with some double glazing.

[E]

I know, I know.

[D]

Well, you tuck yourself in and I'll fix your Lem sip.

[A]

When I get that feeling, I get sexual healing.

[F]

No need to hack at that leg of lamb with so much venom, Wayne, it's already dead.

[A]

Sorry, Mr. Jenkins, I'm working out my frustrations.

[F]

A strapping lad like yourself shouldn't have frustrations, Wayne.

[A]

I'm a gentleman, Mr. Jenkins.

[F]

I'm glad to hear it, Wayne.

[A]

A gentleman is never indiscreet about affairs of the art.

[F]

I see.

[A]

Trouble in the bed department, is it? How did you guess?

[C]

I don't know.

[F]

Just looking at your face, it popped into my mind.

[A]

Well, I'm gonna have to start wearing a balaclava.

[F]

Hold on to your natural juices for as long as you can, Wayne. For once they've gone, they've gone forever.

[A]

But I have needs and urges, Mr. Jenkins.

[C]

So do I, Wayne. Get away.

[F]

And I have but one piece of.

[C]

Advice for you, Wayne.

[F]

Cold showers and a good slapping with a bendy switch cools the ardour and does wonders for your circulation.

[A]

Hitting yourself with a stick, doesn't that hurt?

[F]

Yes, but in a nice way.

[D]

There you go. Steaming hot. That should clear your passages.

[E]

Thank you.

[D]

You know how you always said we could talk about anything?

[E]

Yes.

[D]

I want to talk about sex. I see.

[E]

Birds and beast types. What do you want to know?

[D]

I'm a bit confused.

[E]

I'll start at the beginning. You see, the man and the woman who love each other go to bed. And the man.

[D]

I know all of that to.

[B]

What more do you need?

[D]

Every time Wayne and I are snogging, I get these feelings.

[E]

Oh, that's normal.

[D]

You're a vampire.

[E]

Not at that.

[D]

But I don't know what sort of feelings they are. I don't know if I want to make passionate love to him or suck his blood.

[E]

The two impulses are very similar. Except, of course, that the urge to drink the beautiful ruby red blood. This is but once a month and we can enjoy a good shack every day of the week.

[B]

What can I do?

[E]

You must listen to your heart, Eloise. It will tell you when the time is right for you.

[D]

Hope is worth all the false physical.

[E]

Love is a wondrous thing. Especially if you can find a good man. I am proud to say that I have enjoyed the three greatest lovers of recent Casanova. Errol Slynn and Paul Daniels.

[B]

Paul Daniels?

[D]

Yes.

[E]

Only those who have loved him know how Paul Daniels can set the sheets on fire, move the earth and make the wardrobe disappear. That Debbie Magee is a lucky woman.

[D]

Have you had many lovers then?

[E]

A lady never counts. Roughly 17,426. Something around there.

[B]

Bloody hell.

[E]

Don't you worry about diseases, my poor little naive bab. There are these things called condoms. They are made out of rubber. And the men sleeps one.

[B]

I know what condoms are.

[E]

How good is your Wayne at diy?

[D]

Very proficient, I should have thought.

[E]

I have an idea.

[D]

Good. I need every bit of help I can get.

[B]

It's time I had a holiday.

[E]

Two weeks caravanning in Transylvania could be just the thing I need to shake off this cold. And while I am away, you and Wayne could castle sit for me.

[D]

That's a brilliant idea.

[E]

Maybe a little time alone would help you to sort out your feelings. And if things don't get romantic, you could get him to fix the plumbing and fit some draft excluders.

[D]

When can you go such a hurry.

[E]

To get rid of me and turn my gorgeous castle into a life shack.

[A]

If you don't mind me saying so, Lucretia, you've let this place get into a bit of a state.

[E]

Thank you, Wayne. Wet ratlic chains are a weakness of mine. Beautiful, aren't they?

[D]

Have you got everything?

[E]

Passport, tickets, travelers takes packed land, bit.

[A]

Of Artex and a feature fireplace. And this could be a real smart.

[E]

I think I've got everything.

[D]

But is there anything else I need to tell you? Well, I think I've got the idea now, Lucretia. The man loves the woman, so they go to bed and the man puts his.

[B]

Their box.

[D]

The box. That's a new one on me. Listen carefully, this is very important. You see this dark oak box on.

[E]

The table with a jewel encrusted cross on the top? Yes. Whatever you do, don't open it.

[D]

Lucretia, you're such a drama queen. Not the old Pandora's box cliche.

[E]

I'm deadly serious, Eloise.

[D]

Under no circumstances open that box.

[B]

Why?

[E]

What will happen I've no time to explain. Please respect ancient vampire law and leave the box alone.

[B]

All right, all right.

[D]

Come on, get a move on or you'll miss your coach.

[E]

I'm going, I'm going.

[C]

Have a nice holiday.

[B]

The Creature Send us a postcard. Have fun, lovers.

[A]

Alone at last.

[D]

Two weeks in our own castle and.

[A]

So much DIY to do.

[C]

I can't get no. But I try and I try and I try.

[B]

Do you have to to sing?

[C]

Most Compulsory Federation of master builders rule 43.

[B]

What have you done?

[C]

Oh, have nicked me some. Look, I'm bleeding.

[B]

Really?

[D]

Oh, it's only a spot, you big cry baby.

[C]

I wonder if your aunt's got any plasters. Maybe in this dark oak box with a jewel encrusted cross on top.

[B]

Don't touch that box.

[C]

Why not? It might be a first aid box.

[D]

Come here, wounded soldier. I'll kiss it better.

[F]

Oh, all right then.

[B]

Eloise.

[C]

Eloise. I think that should do the trick.

[D]

Oh, yeah. Better now?

[C]

Much. Look, no bleeding.

[A]

In fact, no blood.

[C]

Cracker.

[A]

You've got some suck on you, Eloise.

[C]

It's gone blue.

[D]

Don't worry, you'll soon get the colour back. Now, be honest, what do you think of this wallpaper I've chosen?

[A]

Are you sure Lucretia wants her bear castle walls adorned with flock wallpaper?

[B]

I am a woman of Wayne.

[D]

Besides, everybody loves flock wallpaper. It's timeless.

[A]

All right, you've convinced me. I'll just paste this strip and we'll have it up in no time.

[C]

Are you sure that step ladder safe? You don't want to fall off.

[B]

Yeah, I've got it from home base.

[A]

It looks a bit rickety.

[C]

Give it a shake.

[D]

Okay. Safe as Elvis.

[A]

Finish pasting.

[D]

Right, I'll climb up the ladder and you pass me that freshly pasted strip of paper.

[C]

I'm not sure about this step ladder.

[B]

Now stop molding and get on with it.

[D]

Pass it up here.

[C]

There you go.

[D]

Oh, Stretch, Wayne.

[B]

I can't reach.

[C]

Careful, Eloise, you're overbalancing.

[B]

Don't be d. I've nearly got it. Just lean a bit further over.

[C]

Eloise.

[B]

It's not going to be.

[A]

Eloise. Eloise, are you all right?

[D]

My head hurts.

[A]

First aid, that's what you need. Wait a minute.

[C]

There's Lucrece's dark oak first aid box with a jewel encrusted cross on top.

[D]

Wayne, don't touch that box.

[A]

Don't be daft, this is an emergency. Maybe there's some bandages or a packet of aspirin in here?

[C]

No.

[A]

Ah, open sesame. Can you hear a whooshing sound? Eloise.

[B]

Wayne.

[C]

Eloise. There's no sign of medical supplies. Just a Boston Gale.

[B]

Shut the box, Wayne.

[C]

I'm trying, but it's bloody windy.

[B]

Get the lid closed.

[C]

I'm trying, Wayne.

[B]

Shut that box.

[A]

Righty o. Well, that was refreshing.

[C]

How's your head?

[A]

You took a nasty tumble.

[D]

Oh, I'm fine.

[G]

Sure?

[D]

I'll prove it by treating you to a slap up pub lunch. Are you gonna eat that pickle at least?

[A]

There's nothing wrong with your appetite.

[D]

You've hardly trust your ploughman's.

[A]

I'm not hungry. I feel sort of funny inside. I'll just nip to the lavvy.

[D]

Oh, would you get me another packet of smoky bacon?

[A]

Okay, you can have my cheese.

[B]

Great.

[D]

Nothing like a good crack on the head to get your gastric juices flowing. Oh, Wayne's all right. We'll never get the decorating done if he goes poorly on me.

[G]

So, at last you meet again.

[D]

Oh, you're bad. That was quick. Did you remember me crisps?

[G]

I know nothing of these crisps.

[D]

I don't know what's wrong with you today, Wayne. You're bloody useless. Why are you talking him that silly accent?

[G]

Or is this vain?

[D]

Stop mocking about, Wayne.

[G]

I understand this mortal body once belonged to a man called Wayne. My congratulations for Wayne. It is a fine body. I wonder if it is strong enough to smash this table.

[B]

What do you think you're playing at, Wayne?

[G]

You die today, Eloise. I'll be barked.

[D]

Wayne.

[C]

What? What am I doing here? A minute ago I was standing in the lobby about.

[A]

Oh, bloody hell. Tackle tucked safely out of sight. Could have had an embarrassing moment there, Eloise. Hey, what have you done to that table?

[B]

It wasn't me, it was you.

[C]

Couldn't have been. I was in the toilet. All right, you two, out. You're bored. I'll not have wanton violence in my pub. Come on. On your eye.

[A]

I tell you, I didn't break the flaming table.

[B]

Well, if you didn't, who did?

[G]

I did.

[D]

So you admit it?

[G]

I am a man of honor. I am the burgermeister.

[D]

You're talking funny again, Wayne.

[G]

We at last. You should never have locked me up, Eloise. Two centuries in a small oak box has made me very still.

[D]

I hope this is a joke, Wayne.

[G]

I am not vain.

[B]

That wallpaper in jail cost us 15 quid at home base.

[G]

And now it is firewood. Ready to fight, Eloise?

[D]

I haven't the fuckiest idea what you're talking about.

[G]

You have grown stupid over the years, Eloise. This time I shall win, Abdul, and consign you to everlasting hell.

[C]

I did not smash that table, Wayne.

[B]

You're back.

[C]

What do you mean, back?

[A]

I haven't been.

[C]

Oh, what have you done to the wallpapering table? That cost 15 quid at home base.

[B]

It wasn't me. Just shut up and listen.

[D]

Remember when you opened that box, it was empty. I know this might sound a bit far fetched, Wayne, but I have reason to believe that you have been possessed by an evil spirit.

[A]

That bonk on the head has affected you more than I thought.

[B]

Bonk on the head? Yeah, that's probably it.

[G]

You must accept the challenge of the Burgermeister in two hours with duel to the death. Hasta la vista, Eloise.

[C]

Perhaps you should have a lie down.

[D]

Yeah, maybe you're right. No, I've got a better idea. Why don't we make love? Oh.

[C]

What?

[A]

Are you feeling all right?

[D]

I've never felt better, Wayne. Here, sit down while I stroke you.

[A]

Oh, I'm sitting, I'm sitting. Crikey. This must be my lucky day.

[D]

You do trust me, Wayne?

[A]

Yeah, of course I do.

[D]

It's just I have this fantasy.

[A]

Oh, fantasy, eh?

[D]

Would you help me act out my fantasy?

[A]

Yes, please. Do we get to wear costumes?

[D]

I have to tie you to this chair.

[C]

Hang on a minute.

[D]

Tie me up and have my wicked, wicked way with you.

[A]

There's some rope over there by the bucket.

[D]

Perfect. I knew you'd be happy to help a hot girl fulfill her kinky desires.

[A]

Kinky.

[D]

First, I'll tie you up nice and tight.

[C]

That is tight.

[D]

So that you can't move a muscle.

[C]

Can't move. I can't breathe.

[D]

Good, I've got you now, Mr. Burgermeister.

[C]

Is this part of your fancy, Eloise?

[B]

Shut up, Wayne.

[A]

I like it. Be firm with me.

[B]

Right. Come out, Burgermeister. I'm ready for you now.

[C]

It's me, Burgermeister. Take me now.

[A]

I'm ready.

[C]

Shut it.

[B]

Way.

[A]

This is a weird fantasy, Eloise.

[G]

You're so pathetic, Eloise. I could break these puny ropes as easily as freezing. Two hours, Eloise. I hope you're ready to die.

[A]

So when are you gonna get kinky?

[B]

Oh, haynes. I'm in big trouble.

[C]

You can't be.

[A]

We haven't done anything yet.

[B]

We opened the box and now you're possessed by the evil Burgermeister who's gonna kill me in two hours.

[A]

Is this the fantasy or is this real?

[B]

This is real.

[C]

Then untie me. And I'll help you fight off the Burgermeister.

[B]

I can't do that. You are the Burgermeister.

[C]

Then I shall fight myself to protect you. Eloise.

[B]

Oh, don't be a pillock.

[D]

I wish Lucrezia was here.

[B]

Could someone help me with this bloody luggage? Lucretia. You're back.

[E]

Can you believe it? A strike at air traffic controlled Transylvanian airways.

[D]

Huh?

[E]

I should have flown virgin.

[D]

Lucretia, I've got a confession.

[B]

We're in big trouble.

[E]

Too late, Louise. I already know.

[D]

You do? Yes.

[E]

That flock wallpaper is disgusting. It'll have to come down.

[D]

We open the box.

[B]

You did what? We opened the box, you stupid vamp.

[E]

I take it that the Burgermeister has possessed veins.

[B]

That's right.

[E]

Well, there's no point tying me to a chair, Louise. He's much too strong for that.

[C]

It's worked so far. I can't move.

[G]

So you're here too, Lucretia?

[E]

Yes, Burgermeister. I am Eloise's tutor and vampire guardian.

[G]

I have come for Eloise.

[E]

It was a mistake, Burgermeister. The box was opened by accident. Eloise has only known her true nature for six weeks.

[G]

I have been waiting for centuries.

[E]

I appeal to your sense of honor, Burgermeister. Postpone the challenge. Give your opponent time to prepare for the duel.

[G]

We fight today. Elvise will be dead before the sun sets.

[B]

Look, we should do something. Very well.

[E]

You leave me no choice.

[B]

Well?

[D]

Putting that pocket on his head. Stop him.

[E]

No, but at least we won't have to look at his ugly face.

[G]

I'll be back.

[C]

What's going on? It's gone dark.

[E]

Don't panic, Wayne. There is a bucket on your head.

[C]

Well, that's all right then.

[E]

Go to sleep, Wayne.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

I wish I could do that.

[D]

Lucretia, you've got to help.

[B]

What is happening?

[D]

We are in deep fit.

[E]

Eloise. The Burgermeister is an excellent duelist.

[D]

Who is he?

[B]

What is he?

[E]

An evil doppelganger? Every vampire has mortal enemy. Literally one mortal whose spirits enjoy eternal life with one purpose. To kill his vampire partner.

[D]

And mine is the Burgermeister.

[E]

During each incarnation, he must appear and challenge you to a duel. You name the place, he chooses the weapons. This is ancient vampire law.

[B]

Can you do anything?

[E]

I was going to wait until you had trained in the arts of combat before telling you of the Burgermeister. Then you could choose your moment to face him.

[B]

Can't you help me fight him?

[E]

No.

[B]

Why not?

[E]

Ancient vampire law.

[D]

I'm getting a bit pissed off with ancient vampire lore.

[E]

All I can do is help you choose the place. And use your last hour to teach you all I can of dueling protocol. We must begin at once.

[B]

Attack me again. L. And parry.

[E]

The essence of fine foray.

[B]

I'm trying my best. Extend. Let's start. Aim to the head of the heart.

[D]

Head or arch. And remember, the best form of defense is attacking.

[E]

The Burgermeister will not have protective rubber tips on his sword.

[D]

You should have seen that coming. I'll never get the hang of this.

[E]

Maybe you'll get lucky and he'll choose pistols.

[D]

Is he any good with the pistols?

[E]

The finest shot in all Austria.

[D]

Lucky me.

[E]

Have you chosen a venue for the jewels?

[B]

What is the point? I don't stand a chance. You must not give in, Eloise.

[E]

You are young, you are strong, your reflexes are quick.

[D]

And if you really believe it, you can beat the Burgermeister. But he is an expert duellist.

[B]

I couldn't even beat him with a Co Op Price gun.

[G]

This is your choice of place?

[E]

Yes.

[G]

What is it called?

[D]

The Co Op? It's a supermarket.

[G]

Very well. I choose weapons. And it shall be pistols.

[D]

You play into my hands, Burgermeister.

[G]

What's that supposed to mean?

[D]

Nothing. Just trying to sound tough.

[G]

Choose your pistol. They are a matched pair.

[D]

Nice box. This one will do for me very well.

[B]

No, no, no.

[D]

Hang on, hang on. Let me try the other one.

[G]

You must choose one pistol. Put one back.

[B]

I've got to compare them.

[G]

Just be careful. Each is loaded with one lead short.

[B]

Just one?

[G]

I only need one.

[D]

You didn't bring any spare bullets?

[A]

Of course not.

[G]

You're not tradition.

[B]

So what if I just shoo these.

[D]

Two pistols into the air?

[G]

You won't. It would contradict the very essence of ancient vampire lore.

[D]

Ancient vampire what?

[G]

I suppose you think that's clever.

[B]

Well, no guns, no jewel back in your box.

[D]

Old Burger mice to see in a few centuries.

[G]

This is not over, Elvis.

[B]

Yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

[G]

Kill you with my bare hands.

[B]

You and his army.

[G]

I need no army to crush you like a beetle underfoot.

[D]

You wouldn't hit me.

[B]

I'm a girl.

[G]

Oh, no.

[B]

Ow. You bastard.

[G]

I think of you not as a girl, but as an agent of the devil in need of a good kicking.

[B]

Ow. Well, Toucan kick. Oh.

[D]

Nice to know a good boot to the ghoulie still works after all these centuries. Bye bye, Burgermeister.

[G]

Where are you going?

[B]

You want me, you have to catch me.

[G]

Where's she going?

[B]

Over here, Burgermeister.

[G]

What's that you holding?

[B]

Want a closer look? Here. Oh. Bullseye Heights.

[G]

Spaghetti hoops.

[D]

This Supermarket is packed with ammunition.

[B]

Hey, Burgermeister, catch.

[D]

What?

[G]

Faggots in gravy? I'm being fed by strange cannonballs and.

[D]

Family packs of fingers.

[B]

Fish fingers.

[C]

Good.

[A]

Let's go.

[G]

Knob. What's that noise?

[B]

Prepare for a hail of frozen peas from my shopping trolley chariot.

[C]

Just try it up again.

[B]

You asked. Red buster coming in front of the pass. Hang on. I'm going too fast. I'm gonna crash into that medium. I'm suffering display.

[G]

So now I've got you. Take that.

[B]

Oh, is that your best punch? Try this.

[C]

Oh, you spawn of Satan. Ow.

[B]

You're shin f.

[C]

I got you now.

[B]

Get your fat paws off my throat.

[C]

You, Burgermeister, going to squeeze the life out of you.

[B]

Well, two can play at that game.

[C]

You're joking me.

[B]

Good.

[G]

I can't breathe.

[D]

Me neither.

[G]

Let's go.

[B]

You first.

[G]

All right. Chapter three.

[B]

One, two, three.

[G]

You fight well, vampire.

[D]

You're not so bad yourself, Burgermeister. You have strangled me.

[G]

Have I ever mentioned how sexy you look when you're half strangled?

[D]

Not for the past few centuries.

[G]

Would it offend ancient vampire lore if I were to kiss you hard and strong?

[D]

Sod ancient vampire lore. Let's do it, Burgermeister, amid the wreckage of this supermarket.

[A]

Eloise.

[C]

Eloise. Eloise.

[D]

Wayne, you were magnificent.

[A]

Eloise, wake up. Are you all right?

[D]

Oh, I'm covered in wallpaper paste. It was a dream.

[B]

A dream?

[A]

You've only been out a few seconds. I told you that step ladder was knackered.

[D]

Wayne, I'm ready to make love. Are you ready?

[A]

I've been ready for weeks.

[D]

Come here, Wayne. Kiss me.

[C]

I've never told you how attractive he.

[A]

Looks half drenched in wallpaper paste.

[D]

Not for the past few centuries.

[C]

What?

[D]

Shush, Wayne. Make love to me.

[C]

Well, I waited so long for this moment.

[B]

Shush, Wayne, let's just do.

[C]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, sorry, Eloise. I think I just have.

[G]

20Th century vampire was written by Joel Turner and starred Louise Lombard, Joanne Kamska, Wilhelm Iroi, Jane Hazelbrook and Fine Time Fontaine, and it was produced by Liz Ansti.

[D]

Back in your box, burger meister.