Lux Radio Theatre - Mother Wore Tights

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Lux Radio Theatre - Mother Wore Tights"

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Release Date: July 14, 2026
Original Broadcast: Lux Radio Theatre, starring Betty Grable & Dan Dailey
Main Theme:
A nostalgic, heartwarming dramatization of the classic film "Mother Wore Tights," focusing on the joys, sacrifices, and vibrancy of a vaudeville family. The episode beautifully weaves humor, romance, music, and family moments, recreating the Golden Age of Radio with performances by Betty Grable (as Myrtle McKinley) and Dan Dailey (as Frank Burt).

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Episode Overview

“Mother Wore Tights” tells the story of Myrtle McKinley, a young woman swept into the theatrical world of vaudeville in the early 1900s, and her partnership—on and off stage—with the charming song-and-dance comedian Frank Burt. Narrated by their daughter, Mikey, the play traces the family’s adventures, the ups and downs of show business, and the challenges of balancing career and domestic life. This adaptation shines with iconic musical numbers, lively banter, and touching family scenes, offering both entertainment and a sentimental glimpse into the world before television.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Magic (and Madness) of Vaudeville Life

[00:32–07:23]

• The story opens with a sentimental portrayal of "Mother" as an older woman, then rewinds to her adventurous youth.
• Myrtle resists taking an ordinary job, auditioning instead for Waller’s Opera House on a whim.
• Notable moment: Myrtle’s legs and talent are sized up—literally—on her audition, a humorous yet telling sign of the era's showbiz.
  • “Well, girls, your figures don’t look too bad. Let me see your legs. Well, ain’t you scared, too?” (Mr. Waller, 05:53)

2. Finding and Losing Love On the Stage

[07:23–16:59]

• Myrtle catches the eye of leading man Frank Burt, known for his lively “Burlington Bertie” routine.
• Their chemistry quickly grows, leading Frank to suggest teaming up as a vaudeville double act.
• The pair face rivalry, temptations, and misunderstandings—Myrtle briefly leaves with another troupe but realizes the magic is with Frank.
• Memorable scene: Myrtle imitates Frank’s signature act at a birthday party, earning both laughs and Frank’s appreciation.
  • “You got more talent in your little finger than all these crows put together.” (Frank, 10:54)

3. Love, Marriage, and Motherhood—On Tour

[20:00–22:21]

• Myrtle and Frank marry and hit the road, performing popular duets and comic songs.
• A pregnancy leads Myrtle to pause her career, humorously dubbed “an act of God.”
• The couple has two daughters, Iris and Mikey, with Myrtle yearning for a more grounded, “motherly” life at home, but the lure of the stage eventually calls her back.

4. The Challenge of Balancing Show Business and Family

[22:21–29:19]

• The family’s life is marked by constant travel and separation, particularly poignant during holidays like Christmas.
• Touching moment: A homesick Christmas turns into a surprise family reunion in Boston, with Frank humorously risking a fine to bring home a tree.
  • “I bet we had the most expensive Christmas tree in Boston. It cost $100. $50 to the people and a $50 fine. Father had chopped it down on somebody’s front lawn.” (Mikey/Narration, 27:50)

5. Growing Up in the Spotlight

[29:43–34:42]

• The kids’ comic misadventures at a posh summer resort highlight the family's fish-out-of-water status in high society.
• Despite initial snubbing, Myrtle and Frank’s vivacity injects life into the staid hotel, reinforcing vaudeville’s communal warmth.

6. Worries About the Next Generation

[38:04–40:07]

• Myrtle questions whether they’ve been selfish, raising their daughters in unconventional ways, and considers a more traditional education.
• The girls are subsequently enrolled at Miss Ridgeway’s exclusive boarding school, marking their entry into a more “refined” social world.

7. The Daughters’ Identity Struggles

[40:17–45:05]

• Iris, the eldest, feels torn between her parents' theatrical lifestyle and the expectations of her elite peers.
• Feeling embarrassed, she initially tries to hide her background when Frank and Myrtle are scheduled to perform in her school’s town.
• Emotional quote: "You're ashamed for them to come. ... It's not you and Daddy. You're the sweetest people in the whole world. But people on the stage are not as refined as your friends, is that it?" (Myrtle & Iris, 43:28)

8. Acceptance and Triumph

[45:05–48:59]

• With compassion and understanding, Myrtle and Frank resolve the dilemma—not by hiding, but by inviting Iris's classmates to the show.
• Their energetic act, full of songs such as "Kokomo, Indiana," wins over Iris's friends, leading to heartfelt acceptance and pride.
• Proud finale: At graduation, Iris sings the family's signature song for her parents, symbolizing love and respect for their roots.
  • “I’d like to sing a song especially to my mother and father. A song they introduced me for many years ago.” (Iris, 49:08)

9. The Closing Reflections

[51:22–52:25]

• Mikey narrates how life moved on; Iris married Bob Clarkman, the Harvard beau, and Mikey stayed closer to home.
• The circle closes with another loving family scene, recalling the opening.

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Timed Highlights & Notable Quotes

• Introduction of Vaudeville Rebirth (00:32): "One of the great comebacks in the history of the theater is taking place today...the rebirth of vaudeville."
• Myrtle's Audition (06:07): "My legs, they’re kind of nice." (Myrtle’s innocence and bravado)
• Frank’s Confession (14:18): “There's one thing I want to get clear, though. This business between you and Roy Bivens is all business, isn't it? No monkey business, no funny business, just business business.”
• Myrtle’s Decision to Quit Touring (21:01): “I'm not going to take just a vacation. I'm going to quit for good. ... Let me be the mama.”
• Frank’s Christmas Tree Incident (27:50): “It cost $100. $50 to the people and a $50 fine. Father had chopped it down on somebody’s front lawn.”
• Hotel Scene, Breaking the Ice (30:46): “That’s the spirit. Sing it out. All of it’s yours and mine. Let’s hear the men’s voices, too!”
• Iris’s Conflict Over Family Identity (43:30): “It’s just that...oh, why do they have to spoil everything?”
• Resolution and Celebration (49:08): “I’d like to sing a song especially to my mother and father. A song they introduced me for many years ago.”

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Musical Moments

• "Burlington Bertie" (03:47, 08:50)
• "You Do" (15:16)
• "Kokomo, Indiana" (20:18, 47:08)
• "TRA la la la" sing-along (30:05)
• "Who Knows How Much I Love You"—the show's emotional theme (22:54, 49:23)

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Tone and Style

The performances are rich with warmth and wit, capturing the sincerity and gentle humor characteristic of classic Hollywood musicals. Banter flies fast, heartfelt monologues abound, and musical interludes bring smiles and sentimentality in equal measure.

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Conclusion: Why Listen?

This lovingly rendered radio adaptation not only spotlights the infectious showbiz energy of Betty Grable and Dan Dailey but also delivers universal themes of family, belonging, and staying true to one’s roots. Listeners are swept back to a golden era where entertainment was live, homespun, and shared—making "Mother Wore Tights" a delightful escape and a celebration of theatrical tradition.

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For further listening:

• Check out other vignettes from Harold’s Old Time Radio archive for more classic dramatizations.
• Next week’s episode: “Sorrowful Jones” starring Bob Hope & Lucille Ball.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

Hollywood. Lieber Brothers Co. The makers of Lux Flakes bring you the Lux Radio Theater starring Betty Grable and Dan Daly in Mother war tights. Ladies and gentlemen, your producer, Mr. William Keeley. Greetings from Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. One of the great comebacks in the history of the theater is taking place today. It's the rebirth of vaudeville, which is surprising. A new generation with all the boisterous good humor and colorful variety of the good old days. Tonight, the Lux radio theater reflects the trend of the Times. The the 20th Century Fox hit mother wore Tight and a team of stars v might dream about Betty Grable and Dan Daly. Mother wore Tight is the story of a vaudeville family and their backstage life. And naturally, Betty and Dan will sing those great song hits of the picture you do and Kokomo, Indiana and many more. Today, as always, a theatrical trooper's home is her trunk. And one of the biggest problems is keeping costumes fresh. That's where Lux Flakes gets into the act. Because anyone who travels a lot is thankful for the convenience and efficiency of Lux Flakes. Now here's the first act of mother wore Tights starring Betty Grable as Myrtle and Dan Bailey as Frank M Is for the million things she gave me

[B]

Woe means only that she's growing Mother, my mother There she is, sweet sitting in the rocking chair on the front porch. That sweet but gentle old lady she's living knitting another sweater for father Sitting here like this. Who'd ever dreamed that mother ever behaved like. Well, like this? Mother wore Mother wore tights when she sang that song on stage. Oh, good heavens, Mother, how could you? And we're on the porch in gold. The cutest old darling in the world Asleep in his chair his eyeglasses fished up on his forehead and the Sunday funny paper spread over his lap. Daddy, the quiet type. I just can't imagine him out there on the stage in those baggy Pants and a putty nose. And that song he used to sing.

[A]

I'm Burlington Bertie I rise at 10:30 and snort you along like a tom I walk down the stream with my gloves on my hand and I walk down again with a loss I'm all arrows and graces Easy without food so. Lord, I forgot where my face is. I'm Bert. Bert. I haven't a shirt. But my people are well off, you know, nearly everyone knows me from Central Rosebury. I'm Burlington Bertie from fell.

[B]

To really understand how Mother happened to wear her tights. Let's go back some 40 years to when Mother graduated from high school. The next afternoon, she and a couple of friends went downtown. But, girls, I don't want to be a telephone operator. I'd rather be damned. Why, Betsy Flemmerhammer. Well, I would, anyhow. It beats what I'm going to be doing standing on my feet all day selling underwear. At least you'll be in college, Myrtle. Business college. You know, we're awfully early for my appointment at the telephone company. Well, let's just wind up. We could go to a matinee. A show? Well, why not? My cousin bought a. Sells ticket to Waller's Opera House. And he said anytime I wanted to go, he let me in for nothing. Who left? Beth. And these are my girlfriends, Bubba, Myrtle McKinley and Alice Beagle.

[A]

How do you do?

[B]

Well, we thought, Daddy, as you always said, if I came over the opera house, Bubba, you'd let me in free.

[A]

So I never said anything about your whole school, did I?

[B]

Oh, please, Baba.

[A]

Oh, well. But if Mr. Waller ever catches. Mr. Waller ever catches you doing what? Oh, no, no, not nothing, Mr. Waller. Handing out free tickets, huh?

[B]

Oh, no, no, Mr. Waller, they. They just wanted to know if they.

[A]

If they could get charged with the show. In the chorus, of course, huh?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right, girls, follow me. We'll talk this over upstairs in my office.

[B]

Well, well. We're coming, Mr. Waller.

[A]

Well, girls, your figures don't look too bad. Let me see your legs. Well, ain't you scared, too?

[B]

No, sir. My legs,

[A]

they're kind of nice.

[B]

I. I had the lead in our high school operetta. I'm a dancer.

[A]

Oh, fine. Your folks know about this?

[B]

My parents are dead. I live with my grandma.

[A]

How much do you want a week, sister?

[B]

Would $10 be all right?

[A]

I was gonna offer you 15, but just to teach you a lesson. 10 bucks it is. Come on.

[B]

Oh, my. Well, that's how Mother got on the stage. The headliner at Wallace Opera was a Good looking, brash young fellow named Frank Briggs.

[A]

Frank was a singing comedian.

[B]

As a comedian? Well, today we call Frank's act awfully corny. Those ridiculous costumes of war and the laughs he'd get by falling in the bass drum or getting hit over the head. But in those days, he really killed the people. He had a pretty good voice.

[A]

You sure sell that. You do number, Frankie. Yeah, what's wrong with my Burlington Birdie routine? Hey, girls. Girls. Any of you, forgive the expression, artists want to speak in part in my Paris blackout next week.

[B]

We want to sleep here.

[A]

Yeah, but what I need is a girl who speaks French.

[B]

French? What is it, a character? Pot.

[A]

Go away.

[B]

I can speak a little French, Mr. Burt.

[A]

You can, huh? See, you're that new kid, ain't you, sweetheart? All right, let me hear you read this line.

[B]

Booey. Vous pay your large odd Al Gar song.

[A]

Hey, that's swell. You'll do fine. We'll have a bite to eat after the show, huh? I'll run through the business with you. And we can.

[B]

The business is right.

[A]

By the way, what's Your name?

[B]

Myrtle McKinley.

[A]

Anyone ever tell you you got the

[B]

prettiest I. Yeah, we've heard that approach.

[A]

Yeah, well, in your case, sweetheart, I really mean eyes. Ready for your next number? Come on. See at the stage entrance, Myrtle, right after the show.

[B]

So Mother got her start in Frankfurt Road Village. A couple of months later, the company chipped in to give Frank a birthday party. He had rushed out right after the show. And while they all waited for him to come back, Mother decided to do an imitation of Frank singing Burlington Bertie.

[A]

All right now, quiet. Quiet, everybody. But who's gonna hand you laugh? Hey, honey, here's his monocle. And Kane, let's go.

[B]

I'm Burlington Bertie I rise at 1030 and hover along like a sock I walk down the strend with my gloves on my hand and I walk down again with a moss I'm all as dressers crisis and tighters without food for lore. I forgot where my base is. I'm. I have a loose shirt. But my people are wrong, you know. Nearly everyone knows me from Billings and Bernie Ra.

[A]

You can start this ending now, cuz Papa's back. Well, it's about time you showed up, Frank. Just in case you forgot, this party's for you. Yeah. Oh, boy, did you miss something just now, huh? Kind of stealing my thunder, ain't you, Merce? Anyway, folks, today is my birthday. You have all showered me with lavish gifts of your esteem and gratitude. So what Can I do but return the compliment. All right, Eddie, bring on a present. Oh, that's where you been, buying presents. Oh, why not? Yeah. Helen, this is for you. And that big box. That's for you, Mrs. Miller. Hey, this is for you, Al.

[B]

Can you beat it, Myrtle? Can't even let people give him a birthday party without trying to top them. Oh, I think it's sweet. Hey, you're not falling for that big show off, are you? Of course not. But he is kind of nice. Hey, how about a thumb, huh? Look, nerd, I've seen dogs of guys like Frankberg. I don't know where he throws his dough away. You think he was a millionaire? Well, he said that's all part of the act, but you've got to put on a front. Look, you're just plain dumb if you much as hell fall for a hoofer.

[A]

How are you, Sarah Bernhardt? Still tossing that bustle into the third row? Ha, ha.

[B]

I'm dying laughing.

[A]

There's a present for you over there. Aren't you curious?

[B]

Remember what I said?

[A]

Some new red flannel, sweetheart. You can sew yourself in for the winter.

[B]

You mad at me, Frank?

[A]

Sure, I'm mad. Who told you to do Burlington Birdie? That's my number.

[B]

I guess it was my own idea.

[A]

Yeah, well, you were great. When'd you pick it up?

[B]

I've had to watch you for eight weeks, haven't I?

[A]

Yeah, I've been watching you too. You know something, Murph? You got more talent in your little finger than all these crows put together.

[B]

That's very nice of you.

[A]

As a matter of fact, I got a funny notion we might do pretty good as a double.

[B]

A double?

[A]

Sure. You and me together, you know, a team.

[B]

You really think I could wait?

[A]

Knock em cold.

[B]

Why? I just don't know what to say, Ellen.

[A]

Don't say anything. Just keep it under your hat and leave it to me. We'll work something out together, see? Then we'll spring it on the boss. Well, is it a deal?

[B]

It's a deal. Oh, my. In a few weeks. Mother's name was on the posters in the lobby. Frank Burt, assisted by Myrtle McKinley. So of course you had to look twice to find it. There was another man in their show who was very fond of Mama. Roy Bivens. Roy kept telling her she was crazy to let Frank get away with it. That she really made his act. But that's not so, Roy. Frank's a starrant and I'm nobody. Besides, it's his act and it was his idea.

[A]

But you're established now, Myrtle. Here's your chance to go places. And I could help you, Myrtle.

[B]

But Mother kept shaking her head no, because as far as she was concerned, she'd already gone places. One night, she and Frank went to an Italian restaurant for supper. The bunch from the opera house were used to seeing Frank Burt walk in with a pretty girl. But somehow this was different. They were wise, even if he wasn't. That Mother had set her heart not on seeing her name in lights, but on seeing just how soon she could bring Frank Burt around to popping that all important question.

[A]

Good evening, Senor Burt. Will you sit, please? Please to sit down. No, what I'd like is.

[B]

Are you joking, Mr. Capuci? Spaghetti for two, please.

[A]

And you all put some of that good old horse meat sauce on the coil I fix in your ivy.

[B]

Oh, Frank, you're crazy.

[A]

That's what my father says. You know my father. He is a Dutchman. Oh, does he hate the theater? Ach. What kind of a business is this? A dancer, a chigger, and then. Speaking of jigging, kid, I've been working on a new routine. How about meeting me in the theater in the morning?

[B]

Frank, I. I'm not sure I'm going to stay in this show. Roy Bivens is going into a new musical comedy and he says he can get me a job.

[A]

Oh, he does, does he?

[B]

Of course I don't want to quit, but. Well, I mean, just because you gave me my start is no reason why you have to stay shackled to me as though we were shackled together. Like people who are shackled.

[A]

Who said anything about being shackled? So you're not falling for what a tenor tells you, are you?

[B]

I didn't say I was falling for it. I'm just thinking about it.

[A]

Yeah, well, of course. I'd hate to lose you.

[B]

You wouldn't?

[A]

Sure. It's no joke breaking in a new partner. Oh, well, maybe you would make a big name for yourself. Yeah, maybe Roy Bivens is right. The rest. Then.

[B]

You think I should go?

[A]

Well, you got to think of yourself. But if anything goes wrong, you can always come back.

[B]

Thanks.

[A]

There's one thing I want to get clear, though. This business between you and Roy Bivens is all business, isn't it? No monkey business, no funny business, just business business.

[B]

What's that to you? Nothing.

[A]

I was just thinking about you.

[B]

Thinking about me? Why, you never thought of anybody in your life except the great Frank Burr.

[A]

What makes you say that?

[B]

What do you care about a Partner, anyway. Just somebody to dance with. Wasn't really going with Roy, but. But now I am. I'm sick of being taken for granted. Go on, get yourself a new partner. You can teach her that.

[A]

What got into you?

[B]

Some sense of laugh, which is more than your.

[A]

Wait a minute. Put down that plate. Wait.

[B]

So Mother went away with a new show. Her own act, singing and dancing. Oh, Frank missed her, all right, but he went right on alone. Doing the same old numbers in the same old way and to the delight of the same old audience.

[A]

Makes life necessary. And who can take my dreams and make my dreams come true? Oh, don't give me trinkets as or will do.

[B]

Then one night, as Frank finished his act and did a cartwheel into the wings as always, someone was waiting to see him. Hello, Frank.

[A]

Myrtle. Myrtle. I thought you were in Los Angeles. What happened? Show pulled up.

[B]

Oh, the show's doing fine.

[A]

Your tenor didn't start breathing down your neck, did he?

[B]

Not quite, but he asked me to marry him.

[A]

Dibbins asked you to marry him?

[B]

Well, what's wrong with that? Some people do get married, you know.

[A]

Huh? What'd you say?

[B]

I told him I'd have to think it over. Oh, Frank.

[A]

Yeah?

[B]

You might as well know what really happened last week. The producer was watching me rehearse my dance. It had some of your steps in it.

[A]

It has, huh?

[B]

In fact, it's practically the same dance, except that I do it alone. The producer didn't like it.

[A]

Well, come on. Come on. Don't be ashamed. I want to know the worst.

[B]

Well, Roy said, wait till she really does it. Of course, this is just a rehearsal.

[A]

Is that all?

[B]

Is that all why? I wanted to go write. I was doing my very best, Frank. I was dancing the way I always did with you. I. I don't know what was wrong.

[A]

I do look, worth. I. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but when? Well, when you dance with me. Well, when we dance together.

[B]

Yes, Frank.

[A]

Well, when we dance together, it's just different.

[B]

How different, Frank?

[A]

Oh, I don't know, but we hit it off. Maybe we ought to stick together. You know, Shackle married Frank. Yeah. Well, it's an idea. I'll work on it.

[B]

You? You'll work on it?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, I knew I shouldn't have come back humiliating myself.

[A]

Take it easy.

[B]

No, you let me out of here. Let go of me.

[A]

Put it on. You're gonna behave like this? I never would have proposed to you in the first place. Now give me a kiss. All right. I'll take one. I love him.

[B]

Mr. Vi. Oh, my.

[A]

Our stars will return with Act 2 of Mother Wore Tights in a moment. What's the big news in Hollywood this week, Libby?

[B]

Everybody is talking about Metro Golden Mayor's latest, Dorie Sherry's distinguished production of Battleground. As a woman, I'd say this is not a war picture, but a peace picture. An unadorned story of a handful of RGIs caught in the battle of Beth Dunya.

[A]

At the press preview, we were very much impressed with the the picture's sincere and honest approach.

[B]

Well, the guests at the New York premiere on Thursday were just as thrilled with it. The stars are unforgettable in their role. Van Johnson is a likable guy with a weakness for gals and gangs. While John Hodiak is a small town reporter inspired by his own convictions. Ricardo Montauban is a kid from California, lonely and scared. And George Murphy is Pop, waiting the day when he can go home to his youngsters.

[A]

Many other fine MGM stars, too, help make this a memorable picture. Battleground is a vivid reminder of what our victory cost.

[B]

And we appreciate more the little things that give us so much pleasure in peacetime, like plenty of nylon stockings and

[A]

plenty of luxe flakes to take care of them.

[B]

You know, during the war, women would go from store to store to find a box. They knew that rubbing nylons with cake soap or using strong soaps made runs come sooner. Strain tests proved that, and nylons weren't easy to replace. Luxe flakes made them last twice as long.

[A]

Even now that nylons are plentiful, they still cost something.

[B]

That's right. But when you wash them with luxe flakes, they last so much longer. It's just like getting an extra pair of stockings every time you buy a pair.

[A]

And what girl doesn't like a bargain?

[B]

As a matter of fact, the makers of stockings know that right care is important to their reputation. So it's no wonder that over 90% of them recommend Locke's Flakes.

[A]

That's right, Libby. Now here's our producer, Mr. William Keeley. Act two of Mother Wore Tight, starring Betty Grable as Myrtle and Dan Daly as Frank.

[B]

So they were married, Mother and Frank Burch. After the honeymoon, they went on the road with their new vaudeville act, dear old two a day. Town after town, month after month, show after show. But always giving the audience everything they had. Yes, and of course, you know the

[A]

power of Kokomo will always be geographically, indefinitely.

[B]

Indefinitely.

[A]

In Deanna,

[B]

The new act was going over so well. Dad says they might. Even if suddenly Mother hadn't announced that she was going home to Grandma because of. Well, I believe the term is an act of God.

[A]

Myrtle, you're kidding.

[B]

Oh, I am, am I? You think this was the first time anybody ever had a baby?

[A]

Let's quit, Martha. We'll take a long vacation, huh? No kid of mine is going to be born in front of a backdrop.

[B]

Darling, I'm. I'm not going to take just a vacation. I'm going to quit for good. Why, Myrtle McKinley, I want my baby to have a home and a mother to take care of him. But, Mari, you can get a dozen partners as good as I am. Look, Frank, it's been wonderful together, but this is even gonna be more wonderful. You be the papa. We'll let you work and make the money to send home. Oh, darling, this is what I've wanted all my life. And from now on, please, just let me be the mama.

[A]

Sure, honey. Just so you'll be happy. Gosh. Frank Burt Jr.

[B]

Yes, Frank Jr. It was to have been. But under the circumstances, Mother thought that Iris would be a little more appropriate. Three years later, it was going to be Frank Jr. For sure. But again, under the circumstances, Mother thought Miriam would be more suitable. They compromised on calling me Mikey. We lived in Chicago then. Grandma, Mother, Iris and I. And in between seasons danced. One day I guess I was about four. It's a telegram.

[A]

Marcel.

[B]

Oh, why on earth did he ever invent these things? Scaring a body half out of their wits. We'll open it. Open it. You, Grandma, you open us. Will heaven be pleased, madam? At least the man's not dead. It's from France. Yes. Can't get a woman to replace Dolly. Make me in Albany tomorrow we'll be at. But the children. I just can't pack up and leave. The children won't starve. Besides, the idea of a married man

[A]

traveling all over the country with a woman named Dolly.

[B]

Grandma. She's just part of his aunt, and you're his wife. And the wife's place is with her husband. But I've given up this stage, and I haven't sung a note in six years. As for dancing, if your dress is short enough, they'll never worry about your singing and dancing. Now get a move on. Who knows how much I love you? You do. No one more to me than you do. You take December, smile it into May and then December comes back again. When you're all right, you have a chance. True. Don't. Of course, the inevitable happened. Once Mother was back in the act again. She couldn't quit. It was in her blood. Meanwhile, we were growing up, Iris and I. I remembered the December when I was 10 years old. Mother and dad were booked in Boston. This was going to be our very first Christmas apart. Oh, what's wrong with you, mighty dear? Is it a cold? You've got? No, Grandma, I just. Oh, Grandma. There, there now, child. I know, I know. But think of all the fun we'll be having at Christmas. Fun, Grandma, without Mother and Daddy, why did they have to take a booking for Christmas week? Why, she asked. Do theaters close on Christmas? Oh, come now, girls. Just remember, there's still a Santa Claus. Santa Claus. We'll send him a letter. Who knows what the good man will do when the facts are set before him? Grandma, what do you mean? Never mind what I mean. Boston, Is it there? Parcel Household chair. A pause is from the children, Frank. But the box says do not open until Christmas.

[A]

Well, it'll be Christmas in an hour. You think I'm going to wait? Look, Mark from Mikey. Merry Christmas to my father. A fine school these kids are going to. M E R Y Merry Christmas. Look, it's a painting. Just what I needed. Yeah.

[B]

To my wonderful mother. There is no other like my mother. Her wine tinted lips. Her raven hair.

[A]

Whose? When?

[B]

Her beautiful eyes. How I wish I was there. Oh, Frank.

[A]

Now, honey, remember what you promised.

[B]

I'm not crying. Who is it?

[A]

Oh, don't worry, Iris. Mikey,

[B]

you. It was our grandma's idea. She made us write Santa Claus what we wanted most. I. I just can't believe you're here. Oh, Mother. What happened to your clothes? You look like you slept in them. We did. We were afraid to take them off. We were afraid we might not know when we got to Boston. Oh, Mother, your presents. You've opened them before Christmas. Oh, I know, dear, but. Well, we couldn't.

[A]

Oh, it was all my fault. I said it. Oh, no, Daddy. All are presents for you and Mikey. We sent them to Chicago.

[B]

Not even a Christmas tree for our children. We don't mind, Mother, honestly. Oh, we want us to be with you. Frank, where are you going? It's almost midnight. Everything will be closed.

[A]

I'm surprised at you. I'm Santa Claus. I use chimneys.

[B]

Poor dad. He looked everywhere, but no present. But he did come back with a Christmas tree. Yes. I bet we had the most expensive Christmas tree in Boston. It cost $100. $50 to the people and a $50 fine. Father had chopped it down on somebody's front lawn. Mother always had one Weakness. She could never resist travel. For every summer she decide we needed a complete change of environment. And one year she selected the most fashionable and according to the travel folder, the gayest of all summer resorts. Berkshire Highlands. I remember how excited we were as we walked into the hotel lobby. Daddy doing that cute little jig his.

[A]

Morning. Good morning. Morning. Good morning, sir. Yes? I'm Frank Bird. I made reservations before counter. You see. One, two, three, four. Oh, yes. Mr. Burt, will you shine the register, please? What's the matter? Death on the family? I beg your pardon, sir. When do we view the remains? Don't the guests ever do anything here or say anything? Well, our guests seem to like the lobby, sir. They sit in the rocking chairs and rock. Sometimes they say good morning. Well, now, that's right broadminded upon, isn't it? Boys, show the birds to their rooms, please. Deadpan alley.

[B]

Now, Frank, these places are always much livelier at night. Come along, children.

[A]

Here's the elevator, sir. Thank you, son. Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I must have tripped getting out of the elevator. Yeah, well, don't break your neck, kid. You'll never get any laughs in this joint.

[B]

In a sense, Mother was right. It was gayer at night. At night they turned on the lights. Anyway, we were sitting there in the lobby along with the other guests.

[A]

Come on, let's go over to the piano. Maybe we can liven this joint up a little.

[B]

That's a very good idea. Mother, everybody's looking at us. Why did actors not want to be looked at?

[A]

You're right, kid. And especially at these prices.

[B]

How about Trala Law?

[A]

Good. Hit it, Mike. From a long way will we live in from a ladder mine so wear a smile Sing a little while it's raining and through the clouds Every little star will shine A little bit of trouble, you river wines Things are going to turn our flames Just feel that way and every little day will seem like spring if you just sing TRA la, TRA la la la Come on, folks, let's have a little fun. All you have to know is TRA la la la la okay, Myrtle. Now, everybody.

[B]

TRA la la la.

[A]

That's the spirit. Sing it out. All of it's yours and mine. Let's hear the men's voices, too. Get up. Sing a little while it's raining and through the clouds Every little star will sm. Come on, liver up a little bit of trouble for it. Camille, you live and learn Things going to turn out fine Just feel that way and every little day will seem like if you'll just think. You know something, Myrtle, if anyone speaks to me, I'm going to keel over on a dead faint. What's the matter with these people?

[B]

Come on, M. Let's go down and look at the fish pond. Oh, who cares about goldfish? I'm gonna bounce my ball. Well, no wonder. Look who's there. Oh, as if you don't know. It's that boy who fell out of the elevator. Oh, that is Bob, isn't it? Margie, darling, must you play with that absurd ball all the time? Iris, you deliberately knocked that ball out of my hand. Be quiet.

[A]

Oh, is this your ball?

[B]

Thank you. It belongs to my little sister here. Thanks, Kissy. We have a silly old bet that she can't bounce it a hundred times without missing. Haven't we, darling? No. Now, Mikey, dear, you run along and play. You want to know something? Me?

[A]

Well, sure.

[B]

Iris loves to bounce it, too. I'm so sorry. You know how children are at that age.

[A]

You enjoying it here, Miss Burt?

[B]

Iris. Burt. Oh, yes. Father and Mother were just remarking what a heavenly spot this is. They even Miss Burt. What's happened down there? It's Mikey. It's my sister. She's hurt herself. Are you sure you're all right, Mikey? How do you feel, darling? Oh, I'm fine now, Mother. What happened?

[A]

Apparently, you were climbing a tree and you fell right on your head.

[B]

Did I get a laugh when I fell? You couldn't make this bunch of long hairs laugh if you broke your neck. Frank, I've had all I can stand. Let's start packing. Mother, I'm not going to. Whole vacation ruined by staying here with his stick in the mud. I know why Iris doesn't want to go. Her fella. You hush up, Mikey.

[A]

What fella?

[B]

Bob Clarkman, of course. Well, certainly you've noticed your disgusting behavior. Mother, Bob's not at all like the others. Really he isn't. Well, I'm not staying here to find out his mother and father are in Europe and he had to come here with an old tutor and

[A]

Mr. Bird.

[B]

Pain. Bert, behave yourself.

[A]

Well, I told you I'd faint if anybody here ever spoke to me. Mr. And Mrs. Schneider and I. Well, we just thought we'd inquire how your little girl is. That was quite a fall.

[B]

Oh, yeah, we were so frightened. Oh, Mikey's fine, thank you.

[A]

Good, good. Looks like you're leaving, Mrs. Burt packing your bag.

[B]

I'll say we are.

[A]

Oh, we were in hopes you'd stay and help give this place a little life.

[B]

Yeah, we see you the other night in the lobby. The piano and the singing.

[A]

You see the folks here. Well, we've all been coming here so long and doing nothing. I guess we've just sort of dried up.

[B]

Oh, Mother, please stay. Yeah, Mrs. Belt, we are all dried out. We have such good times together. You help with her singing? Yeah. Or dancing.

[A]

What do you say, Murph? We played the tougher audiences than this and never walked down on them.

[B]

Well, kids. Yes, I guess we stay.

[A]

We pause now for station identification. This is cbs, the Columbia Broadcasting System. After a brief intermission, our stars will continue with Act 3 of Mother Wore Types. Tonight we welcome diminutive Deborah Padgett. Who does her algebra in the morning and plays love scenes in the afternoon. What is your ambition, Deborah?

[B]

To make a picture in Italy, Mr. Keeley. Ever since I saw the preview of Prince of Foxes, I've envied Wanda Hendrix.

[A]

Daryl Zanuck has produced a magnificent picture. With authentic 15th century Roman settings. You know, no soundstage greetings?

[B]

No, and I'm so glad the studio held the story for Tyrone Power. He's so romantic.

[A]

Yes. Ty wears those Renaissance costumes as if he actually lived in the period. Another fine piece of casting is Orson Welles as the despotic Cesar Borgia.

[B]

The costumes are fabulous. Wanda almost fainted from their weight.

[A]

20th Century Fox didn't spare the dollars on Prince. The Foxes, you know. Many fabrics were especially woven in Italy. And much technical equipment, of course, had to be imported.

[B]

Wanda did some importing, too. Luxe flakes are still scarce in Europe. So she took her own supply for her personal things. Like so many of the stars. She's a luxe fan, Mr. Kennedy.

[A]

Well, that's natural, Deborah. Because it's been shown by actual washing tests that luxe flakes keep slips and 90s color. Fresh and new looking three times as long.

[B]

Wanda had some beautiful lingerie made for her in Italy. And the soft shades that she loved.

[A]

A lucky thing she had luxe flakes. Because wrong washing methods fade delicate colors, damage lace. It's foolish to take chances with anything less mild than luxe flakes. These tiny sheer diamonds of lux burst into suds in a flash. Whisk away soil in a jiffy. And lux flakes are so mild and gentle colors stay lovely far longer. Makers of fine washables recognize that fact. Recommend this fine product of Lever Brothers Company, 33 to 1. Thank you for coming tonight. Deborah Paget. Here's our producer, Mr. William Keighley. The curtain rises on the third act of Mother Wore Tights. Starring Betty Grable as Myrtle and Dan Daly as Frank.

[B]

We stayed a whole month at Berkshire Highlands. And with Father and Mother taking over, everybody had a wonderful time. Mother's faith in her travel folders was triumphantly restored. And even Father admitted it was the gayest of all summer resorts. Iris spent most of her time with the rich Clarkman boy. The night before we left, I overheard Mother and Father in the next room. Frank? Frank, are you still awake, dear?

[A]

Used to be the other spot.

[B]

Frank, I've been thinking about Irish. About her future.

[A]

What future?

[B]

Oh, about the kind of people she goes with, things like that.

[A]

What's wrong with the people she's been going with?

[B]

Oh, nothing. Except. Well, I was wondering if maybe we haven't been a little selfish.

[A]

Us? Selfish?

[B]

Making the children lead our kind of life.

[A]

What do they want now? The trouble with those kids is they've had too much.

[B]

Are you trying to say our girls are spoiled?

[A]

You mean you didn't know?

[B]

Funk bird. Of all the sweet, normal, unspoiled children.

[A]

Okay, skip it.

[B]

Now, for one thing, their school.

[A]

They go to school.

[B]

I was thinking that maybe a boarding school. And after that, college that Mikey makes.

[A]

College? I'll eat my sombrero.

[B]

The stage is all right for us. We love it. But they're entitled to meet nice young girls and boys their own age who are interested in other things. Like. Well, books and things like that.

[A]

All right, we'll give him a book. Two books. One for each.

[B]

Oh, Frank, you're just being stubborn. Iris is growing up. She's beginning to think about.

[A]

Boy, are you talking about that wobbly leg goof that looks like he's gonna break into a run every time you look at him.

[B]

He's not a goof. Bob's a wonderful boy.

[A]

Well, I'll bet if I said boo to that kid.

[B]

Don't you dare.

[A]

Would you mind telling me what we're fighting about?

[B]

Oh, go to sleep, darling. We'll talk it about it when we get home, okay? Well, they did talk it over. And as usual, Mother allowed Dad to convince her that she'd been right all along. The following September, our hearts and our. They enrolled Iris and me in Miss Ridgeway's exclusive boarding school for young ladies. And just remember, darlings, we'll be back to visit the first chance we get.

[A]

You're darn tootin.

[B]

Now, don't forget about hanging up your clothes. And be good girls. We will, Mother.

[A]

Yeah, and bear down on your algebra. After all, look how well I speak it.

[B]

Goodbye, dad. Goodbye, mommy. Bye, daddy. One Easter vacation Came Iris and I took the train. I was to join mother and father in Pittsburgh and Iris would come on later. She and some other girls from school and Barb Clarkman and some boys from college were all going to Westchester. The Clarkmans were giving a weekend house party and naturally Bob invited Iris. After a couple of hours on the train, Bob produced a guitar.

[A]

All right, Iris, you're the singer in our midst. How about a song?

[B]

Well, how about Swinging down the Lane?

[A]

Oh, wonderful. Go ahead, Iris.

[B]

Everybody, hand in hand Swinging down the

[A]

lane

[B]

Just about then, a man and woman came through the car. They were theatrical people, all right. And maybe they'd had a little too much screw. Anyway, when they heard the story, they join gliding nights like this. When I'm all alone when the moon is on cloud Right, honey? I'm so blue Watching always making light like we used to do when the moon is on always till we fall in May just be swinging down my lane where. You know, some kid Swinging down the lane happens to be one of our number.

[A]

Yeah, we've been eating off it for two years.

[B]

Hope my voice didn't blow you. I'm one of those I don't care singers all here. Who cares about the voice.

[A]

Don't you believe it, kid. Why, Lil here had one of the sweetest hog calling voices in Missouri before I roped her and put shoes on.

[B]

Oh, say, kid, you can sing. Oh, I. I can't really. The heck you can.

[A]

Well, kids, we love to stay, but we gotta get off the next stop.

[B]

Yeah, you know how these trains are. They don't stop in these hick towns long enough to let you get your breath. Especially in these courses. Well, so long, everybody.

[A]

Yeah, so long. And don't you wan.

[B]

Said we wouldn't.

[A]

Boy, where they hand.

[B]

Imagine barging in on us like that. Did you ever hear such a laugh in your life? And that makeup. Why do all actors have to be such show off? I don't know, but they all are. I saw the look that came over Iris's face. A look that said, not that mother and dad were like that couple, but they were actors. And not the kind of people you talked about when you were with girls from Miss Ridgeway School and boys from Harvard. Some months later, Iris and I had an unexpected telegram. Well, go on, Iris, finish reading it. It says we've been keeping it a great secret, but now you can know. Dad and I have arranged a booking in the very town where your school is. Marky, they're going to play here.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Oh, boy, that's Wonderful. But they can't, Marty. They mustn't. Iris. You're ashamed for them to come. I'm not. That's not it at all. It's just that. Oh, why do they have to spoil everything? You are ashamed. Ashamed of Mother and Daddy. Oh, Iris. Come in. Mother. Hello, darling. Mother, what are you doing here? Your telegram said next week. I know, but Mikey wired us that you weren't feeling well. Did Daddy come too? He'll be in to visit later. It's nothing, Mother. I. I just don't feel well. Iris, I know what it is. Mikey did this. Mikey told. Mikey loves you, dear. She only did what she thought best. Oh, I wish I'd never come here. But you've loved it here. I hate it. You think your friends will stop liking you because your mother and father are on the stage. Oh, Mother, it's not that. It's not you and Daddy. You're the sweetest people in the whole world. But people on the stage are not as refined as your friends, is that it? I wish you could see some of their homes and how their mothers and fathers like Bob's mother and father. They're so nice, Mother, and. And dignified. They want me to visit them again. Oh, Mother, you don't hate me, do you? Of course not, darling. You know I love you and Daddy. Oh, yes, I know you do. Don't worry, dear. We'll figure it out some way. Now, get dressed. You don't want Daddy to see you looking like a ghost, do you?

[A]

Sure it's all right if we take the kids out for dinner, Ms. Ridgeway? Of course.

[B]

I left word for Iris to meet you here in my office. About this other matter, though. Iris is just mixed up, Ms. Ridgeway. I'm sure lots of other girls go through a phase like this.

[A]

I'll say she's mixed up.

[B]

Frank, please. I'm grateful to you, Mrs. Bird, for telling me all this. I know what it must have meant to you. How simple it would have been for you and your husband just to have canceled your engagement here in town. Then you'll help us? I think we can stretch our rules to cover it. Thank you.

[A]

Okay. But if you want my advice.

[B]

Excuse me. Yes? May I Come in, Ms. Ridgway? Iris, come in. Hello, Daddy.

[A]

Hello, Iris.

[B]

You're feeling better now? Yes, I think so. I'm glad to hear that, dear. I know how terribly disappointed you'd be not to be able to go to the theater on Friday to see your mother's and father's performance. Isn't it nice of Miss Ridgeway, dear. She's going to let you bring your whole class to see us. Oh, Mother, how could you? Iris. They were all there that Friday. Ms. Ridgeway, Iris and the girls in the class. Mother and dad did their usual act. No changes. They were Burton McKinley and this was it. Father did Burlington Birdie and fell in the drum. And mother did her dance routines. And then they went into their finale. Now we're back again with all the sweet resembled folks like all my kids in C. Indiana.

[A]

Well, if it isn't Pop. Am I a mom? You always had the cutest grin in.

[B]

He remembers me.

[A]

And get a load of sister Grace.

[B]

You can't see the bright before the tremor face.

[A]

How would you like to go and see that old war bashful beau you used to know in Kokomo, Indiana?

[B]

Wouldn't you just as soon go out and spoon the nisa? Who's your moon? Oh, what a moon.

[A]

For all of the many reasons that I've mentioned heretofore, my heart will always be in Kokomo. And of course you know the town of Kokomo will always be geographically, indefinitely,

[B]

indubitably in its piano.

[A]

What do you think, Mark?

[B]

I don't know this. The rest of the audience keep delighting.

[A]

Yeah. Well, come on, let's take a bow.

[B]

Weren't they grand, Mr. Way? Yes. You must be very proud of them, too. I am. The whole class thought mother and Father were just as wonderful as I knew they were. And they told Iris so. But I was never sure of just what Iris feelings were. Until June came and Iris was up on the stage along with the other graduates. Bob Clarkman was in the audience. And of course, Mother and Dad bursting with pride when Ms. Ridgway. And now it gives me great. It is my great pleasure to present the highest honor student in our school of music, Ms. Iris Burch. Look at that, Mother. He couldn't applaud him loudly, shouldn't he? I have a feeling we're going to see a lot of that young man from now on.

[A]

He hasn't said anything yet, has he?

[B]

Does he? Has to. Ladies and gentlemen, I suppose I really ought to be at school song. But with your permission, I'd like to sing a song especially to my mother and father. A song they introduced me for many years ago.

[A]

Hey, what's the matter with you?

[B]

I can't help it. I'm so happy. Who knows how much I love you? No one needs more to me than you do. Comes back again when you're away. You make Life worth the things you do. And you can make my dream and make my dreams come true. Don't give me.

[A]

How do you like that, Merc? Another star in the family.

[B]

And Iris was a. She still is. Though, of course. In private life, she's Mrs. Robert Clarkson. But then, I'm sure you suspected that all along. As for me, well, I didn't take Mr. Stage. I've been too busy at home. That and taking the children out to see their grandparents every Sunday. They're on the fun flight, after all. Mother. Nicky. Daddy sounded with the funny paper in his lap. Thanks. Thanks. Better clean up here. The family will be out soon.

[A]

Excuse me, Martin.

[B]

Glasses on your forehead as usual.

[A]

Hey, where's my pipe?

[B]

Where you put it. Anything else?

[A]

Yep.

[B]

What?

[A]

A kiss.

[B]

Well, what do you know?

[A]

Our stars will return in just a moment for their curse. And call.

[B]

If you have trouble, trouble, trouble with washing dishes St you love slave and they will bubble, bubble, bubble your troubles away these gentle spuds are richer. They do your dishes quicker. Let everywhere bubble your troubles away

[A]

yes, Lux Flake Suds. Go to work fast. Tiny diamonds of lux burst into suds in your dishpan. The minute water touches them makes suds so rich, so thick, they last and last. Get your dishes done in a flash. These richer suds wash more dishes, too, because they go further. Tests show that ounce for ounce, Luxe flakes wash up to twice as many dishes as any of 10 other leading. So Luxe flakes are really thrifty for dishes. Here's Mr. Keeley with our stars. They are no longer the Myrtle and Frank of Mother Wore Tights, but the Betty Grable and Dan Daly that America love. And here they are for a curtain call. I know your fans will be happy to learn that you two are starting another picture together soon. That's right. Pretty lucky guy to be working with a beautiful and glamorous girl like Betty again. Even though all she ever talks about is that new Argentine racehorse that she and Harry bought.

[B]

Oh. After all, Dan, Cab's a very unusual horse.

[A]

Most unusual. Didn't he win a steak race under your colors?

[B]

Yes, he did. He won Breezing Bell. And he's really gorgeous. You know, I think Cab has the most beautiful legs in the whole world.

[A]

Not in my opinion. Not in my opinion, either. Hey, Betty, you know, I've been making a wet and I was wondering if maybe you'd like to engage a new jockey.

[B]

Well, I tell you, I'll speak to Cab about your offer.

[A]

Dan, the horse talks, too. How are those two? Charming Daughters of yours, Bill.

[B]

They're wonderful, Bill. And they're two of the busiest girls I ever saw.

[A]

Isn't that the age where they're hard on the supply of Luxe Flakes, I presume.

[B]

With two children, Bill, it's absolutely impossible to have too much Lux Flakes on hand. Now, won't you tell us what the play is going to be next week?

[A]

A show we're very proud of, Betty. Paramount Pictures. Great hit. Sorrowful Jones. And the Stars, well, they're the ones our audience wants. Bob Hope, Lucille Ball and wonderful little Mary Jane. Son, the story has everything that makes great entertainment. So I know you won't miss Sorrowful Jones next month. Well, with that, Bill, I'm sure you're going to have a sellout. Good night. Good night and thank you both. Lelever Brothers Company, the makers of Lux Lake, join me in inviting you to be with us again next Monday evening when the Lux Radio Theater presents Bob Hope and Lucille Ball in Sorrowful Jones with Mary Jane Son. This is William Keeley saying good night to you from Hollywood. Betty gravel appears through the courtesy of 20th century fox, producers of everybody does it, starring linda darnell and paul douglas. Dan daly will soon be seen in the 20th century fox picture willie comes marching home with colleen townsend. Heard in tonight's cast were joan banks, banks as mikey, gloria mcmillan as iris and norma, jean nielsen, gwen delano, gil stratton, maura martin, rhoda williams, mala powers, june peray, eddie marr, bill johnstone clark gordon, herbert butterfield, joe forte, george neese, charles wolf and imogene lynn clark. Our play was adapted by s.h. barnett and our music was directed by louis silvers. This is your announcer, john milton kennedy, reminding you to join us again next Monday night to hear sorrowful jones starring bob hope and lucille ball with mary jane saunders. Spry is a new spry. A better than ever spry. You'll be a better cook when you use spry Spry in your baking pan. Spry in your frying pan. You'll be a better cook when you use. Now get better pies than ever with new better than ever spry. Any filling tastes super delicious in a tender, flaky pie crust made with new spry.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Because pure new spry is blander, creamier. A sure, supremely delicate nut sweet pastry. Tomorrow get a 53 pound can of new better than ever spry. Another fine product of Lever Brothers company. You'll be a better cook when you use fry. Be sure to listen next Monday night to the deluxe Radio theater presentation of Sorrowful Jones, starring Bob Hope and Lucille Ball. With Mary Jane Saunders. Stay tuned for My friend Irma, which follows over these same stations. This is cbs, the Columbia Broadcasting System.