Leave It To Mike - Chance To Act On Radio

Summary

Podcast Episode Summary

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode: Leave It To Mike - Chance To Act On Radio
Date: June 10, 2026
Main Cast:

• Mike McNally (Walter Kinsella)
• Mr. Berkeley
• Denny Wi / Jenny Wig
• Armor Swift
• Mr. Gribble
• Jennifer
• Announcer

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Episode Overview

This episode of "Leave It To Mike," presented by Harold's Old Time Radio, is a classic comedy from the golden era of radio. The story follows Mike McNally, the affable manager of Berkeley's Sporting Goods Store, as he gets the "chance" to act on the radio. Fueled by dreams of stardom and egged on by his colleagues, Mike imagines himself destined for theatrical greatness—but reality turns out to be much more comedic.

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Key Discussion Points and Plot Breakdown

Introduction at the Sporting Goods Store

• [00:46]: Show is set at Berkeley’s Sporting Goods, a staple shop "serving the city for more than 30 years."
• Introduction of Product and Banter:
  • Mike introduces "Klutzmeyer’s winter underwear," leading to a string of puns and playful insults among staff and friends.

---

Mike's Aspiring Acting Dreams

• [01:39]–[05:02]:
  • After seeing Gary Cooper in a movie, Mike aspires to be an actor. His sweetheart, Denny Wi, encourages him to strive for greatness, saying he'd be marriage material if he became a big star.
  • Notable Running Gag:
    • Mike’s “acting resume” includes roles like “the bulb in The Light That Failed,” with each “bad part” leading to a “bad joke.”
    • Satirical references to famous actors, acting teachers, and Mike’s misunderstood ambitions inject meta-humor.
• Quote:
  • Jenny: "If only you were exactly like him [Gary Cooper]... big and strong and powerful... if you had a profound personality like all those great actors..." [02:50]

---

Encounter with Real Stage Star: Armor Swift

• [05:46]–[12:20]:

  • Jenny insists Mike must impress legendary actor/director Armor Swift, who is visiting Berkeley’s.
  • Armor Swift is larger-than-life, speaking only in self-praise, Shakespeare quotes, and mocking artistic clichés.
  • [07:44]:
    • Armor Swift’s “seven-pound book” contains no words and exists solely for actors to balance on their heads for “poise and posture.”
  • Quotes:
    • Armor Swift: “Who puts words in books? My book teaches people how to act. It weighs seven pounds.” [07:52]
    • “After you die, what have you got? Immortality and pie upon you, thou varlet, uncommon desperado.” [08:31]
    • Shakespeare spouted at random, e.g., “Life is but a walking shadow, a poor player...” (Macbeth) [09:18]

• Mike's "Audition":

  • Mike attempts poetry and song, earning Swift’s backhanded praise for his “voice timber.” Mike is invited to a radio audition.

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Storeowner's Motivation

• [12:31]–[13:09]:
  • Mr. Berkeley’s real aim: Show off Mike’s “talent” to important customers, cynically hoping it boosts business rather than supporting Mike’s acting hopes.

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Mike’s “Training” – Comedy and Parody of Radio Dramas

• [13:30]–[17:47]:
  • Mike, with friends Jennifer and Gribble, listen to the radio to “learn acting.”
  • Memorable Scene: Parody radio show "Straw Cab" performs everything backwards:
    • Announcer: “Straw Cab spelled backwards is backwards... Buttons go on your underwear and underwear backwards is very uncomfortable.” [17:08]
    • Dialogue delivered in reversals—a highlight of radio-era meta-humor.

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Shakespeare Rehearsal - Farcical Balcony Scene

• [18:35]–[21:24]:
  • Mike rehearses “Romeo and Juliet” opposite uncooperative staff: Juliet can't stop eating marshmallows and can't focus on the lines.
  • Gribble and others undermine every serious attempt, leading to slapstick lines (e.g., “I must push a peanut with my nose across the Brooklyn Bridge”).

---

The Big Reveal – Mike’s Dramatic Role

• [23:32]–[26:29]:
  • Mike faces rehearsal with Armor Swift and reads from a murder mystery script.
  • Armor Swift humorously diminishes Mike’s role with each “audition”: Mike is "killed off" earlier and earlier in the script.
  • Climactic Punchline:
    • Armor Swift: “When the show begins. You're dead.” [25:34]
    • Mike: “You mean I won’t get to say a word?”
    • Armor Swift: “Oh, yes. I just thought of something you can do and do it beautifully…”

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Mike’s “Famous Part” – The Soda Bottle Opener

• [26:31]–[27:19]:
  • Mike reveals, after much build up, that his role is to open a soda bottle during a commercial—no lines, just sound effects.
  • Storeowner's pride and customers’ expectations collapse into comic deflation.

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The Final Gag and Outro

• [28:17]–[28:30]:
  • Mike composes a nonsensical song title: “Grandma’s Hands Are Dirty Because They Forgot To Wash the Dice.”
  • Everyone wishes a happy New Year as the show wraps up with over-the-top cheer and promises of more adventures next week.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On "Acting Method":
  • Armor Swift: “My book teaches people how to act. It weighs seven pounds.” [07:52]
• On Artistic Immortality:
  • Armor Swift: “And after you die, what happens? Warner Brothers makes the story of your life with Don Amici.” [09:02]
• On Mike’s "talent":
  • Jenny: “Personally, I think that as an actor... Mike conveys two emotions.”
    • Denny: “What are they?”
    • Jenny: “Joy and indigestion.” [21:58]
• Mike’s Big Radio Role Exposed:
  • Mike: “I’m going to bring the bottle opener.” [27:15]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:46 – Show begins at Berkeley’s Sporting Goods Store
• 01:39 – Mike aspires to be an actor
• 05:46 – Decision to impress Armor Swift
• 07:44 – Armor Swift’s method acting book
• 13:30 – Mr. Berkeley’s commercial motivation
• 17:08 – Parody “backwards” radio show
• 18:35 – Shakespeare rehearsal with a store mop and marshmallows
• 23:32 – Mike prepares for his radio debut
• 25:34 – Mike’s role: “You’re dead when the show begins”
• 27:15 – Mike’s “triumph”: the soda bottle opener
• 28:17 – Nonsensical song and festive wrap-up

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Tone and Style

Rapid-fire gags, puns, classic vaudeville and radio satire, and broad character caricatures define this episode’s tone. The dialogue is witty, mocking both the pretensions of the acting world and the hum-drum realities of department store life. The cast plays up hyperbolic emotions and meta-humor characteristic of ‘40s radio comedy.

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Conclusion

For listeners, this episode delivers a playful send-up of fame, ambition, and radio drama tropes. Mike’s relentless optimism and bumbling ambition, matched against Armor Swift’s self-serious artistry and Mr. Berkeley’s commercial cynicism, provide a slice of golden-age radio humor. Even if you missed the original, the classic structure, witty banter, and farcical plot twists will keep you smiling.

Transcript

[Narrator]

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[Mr. Berkeley]

Leave it to Mike. Mike McNally.

[Mike McNally]

Yes, Mr. Barkley. Mike, why did you explain everything?

[Announcer]

Neutral Presents Leave it to Mike With Walter kinsella as Mike McNally. Mike's the general manager of Berkeley Sporting Goods Store. That famous downtown shop that's been serving the city for more than 30 years. Well, Mike, what's new at the store?

[Mike McNally]

Well, we just received a brand new product, Mr. Barry.

[Denny Wi]

What is it?

[Mike McNally]

Klutzmeyer's winter underwear. The slogan is, are you wearing Klutzmeyer's longies?

[Denny Wi]

If so, what's Klutzmeyer's supposed to wear?

[Announcer]

Say, you take a great interest in your job.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Don't you mind?

[Mike McNally]

Absolutely, Mr. Barry. It's the only way to succeed. Never give up trying to be a business genius. For instance, take a man like John Hancock. Isn't he marvelous?

[Armor Swift]

John Hancock?

[Mike McNally]

Yeah, just look at him. Dead for 150 years and still selling insurance.

[Denny Wi]

And that's Mike McNally.

[Mike McNally]

Yes, it is.

[Armor Swift]

Very true.

[Announcer]

It's a lovely evening, the first night of the new year. And Mike McNally is just leaving his neighborhood motion picture theater with his beautiful sweetheart, Denny Wi, who works with Mike at berkeley Sporting Goods. McNally, the dashing man about town, the gay socialite, makes a suggestion to Denny about their after theater entertainment. Does McNally say, let's go to the Stork Club and dance? Does McNally say, let's go to the Waldorf and dine?

[Denny Wi]

No, McNally says, let's go to your house and neck.

[Jenny Wig]

Oh, Mike, you never talked like that before.

[Denny Wi]

I know, Denny, but I'm a new man.

[Mike McNally]

I've changed ever since I saw Gary Cooper in Albuquerque.

[Denny Wi]

Briefcase. Albuquerque?

[Jennifer]

Briefcase.

[Mike McNally]

That's the word. Albuquerque.

[Denny Wi]

Briefcase.

[Mike McNally]

It's a western version of Saratoga Trunk.

[Jenny Wig]

Mike, will you be serious?

[Mike McNally]

I am being serious, Dilly darling, going

[Denny Wi]

to the movies always has an effect on me. And when they see what a he

[Mike McNally]

man that Gary Cooper is, what a great actor he is, makes me think, you know, maybe I ought to be more like him.

[Jenny Wig]

You Certainly should.

[Denny Wi]

I saw Gary Cooper in that picture

[Mike McNally]

about a Good Humor man, too.

[Jenny Wig]

A movie about a Good Humor man.

[Denny Wi]

For whom the Bell tolls,

[Jenny Wig]

Mike McNally, if you don't stop counting.

[Mike McNally]

All right, Jenny.

[Denny Wi]

It's just that I was thinking that. Well, now, maybe if I was a bit more like Gary Cooper.

[Jenny Wig]

A bit more. Oh, Mike, if only you were exactly like him. If you were big and strong and powerful. If you had a profound personality like all those great actors.

[Mike McNally]

You want me to be a great actor, Denise?

[Jenny Wig]

Oh, it would be wonderful, Mike. Instead of that silly, dull job you have working for Mr. Berkeley. I'd be proud to marry you. Then, Mike.

[Denny Wi]

I'll tell everybody how sweet you are.

[Jenny Wig]

I'll tell everybody how sweet you are.

[Denny Wi]

I'll tell everybody how much fun you are.

[Jenny Wig]

I'll tell everybody how much fun you are.

[Denny Wi]

I'll tell everybody how well you make love.

[Jenny Wig]

I'll think of something,

[Mike McNally]

Jenny. I'll be a great actor someday.

[Denny Wi]

Just wait and see.

[Mike McNally]

You know, I had acting experience in high school.

[Jenny Wig]

You did?

[Denny Wi]

Uh huh.

[Mike McNally]

I played the part of the bulb

[Denny Wi]

in the light that failed.

[Mr. Gribble]

Good part, bad joke.

[Mike McNally]

I was in the movie the Woman in the Window.

[Denny Wi]

I rented binoculars to wolves across the street.

[Mr. Gribble]

Good pot, bad joke.

[Mike McNally]

I was the reconversion director in Dr.

[Denny Wi]

Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

[Mike McNally]

Every time Dr. Jaeckel changed into Mr.

[Denny Wi]

Hyde, I reminded him to put his money in the other pants.

[Mike McNally]

Good part, bad joke. I was in the last weekend they

[Denny Wi]

played the part of the cock.

[Jenny Wig]

Good part.

[Mike McNally]

Lousy joke.

[Denny Wi]

Then, of course, you know, we had a great actor in the dramatic pageant

[Mike McNally]

Bertley's put on for Christmas. Really? Yeah. You know those horses with the two men inside? Those vaudeville horses?

[Denny Wi]

Well, this fella played the front end of the horse.

[Jenny Wig]

Who played the other end.

[Denny Wi]

Well, Hitler must be hiding somewhere.

[Mr. Gribble]

Bad part.

[Mike McNally]

Ah, but good joke.

[Jenny Wig]

Mike, darling, let's be serious. If you really want to make me happy, if you really want to get out of the rut you're in and become a great actor, why don't you do something about it? Why don't you study with a great dramatic teacher? Study Boleslavski, Uspenskaya, Stanislavski and Turgenev. You're familiar with their work, aren't you?

[Denny Wi]

Best backfield Notre Dame ever had.

[Jenny Wig]

Mike, how will you ever get anywhere? You're always fooling around. You've got to study acting for years. You've got to live the part. I know a great actress. Her name is Alice Goodkin.

[Denny Wi]

What's her name?

[Jenny Wig]

Alice Goodkin. When she Played in Beggar on Horseback. She rode a horse all day. When she played in Night Flight, she flew a plane all day. When she played in luxury Liners, she sat on a boat all day.

[Denny Wi]

It's a good thing she wasn't in

[Mike McNally]

the Birth of a.

[Jenny Wig]

Now, you've got to stop clowning, Mike. Face the truth about yourself. You're not famous. You're not a big success.

[Denny Wi]

I'm not her.

[Mike McNally]

Why, Jenny Wig. My dear girl, do you remember last week when I came to work? When I stepped off the train, there were thousands of people standing on the platform cheering.

[Denny Wi]

There was a brass band.

[Mike McNally]

Guns were firing a salute.

[Jenny Wig]

I don't believe it.

[Mike McNally]

You don't?

[Denny Wi]

Well, just ask President Truman. He was standing right behind me.

[Jenny Wig]

What's got into you, Mike? You're not talking sense at all. The fact is that you do want to be famous. You decided after we saw that movie that you want to be a great actor. But what are you going to do about it?

[Denny Wi]

Ah, there's great hope for me, Dinny, darling.

[Mike McNally]

Last week when my lodge gave a play and I was in it, the lobby was absolutely jammed.

[Jenny Wig]

You couldn't get near the theater because you were so terrific.

[Denny Wi]

No. In the slot machines they had Hershey boys.

[Jenny Wig]

Look, Mike, do you know who's in Mr. Berkeley's office?

[Armor Swift]

Who?

[Jenny Wig]

Armor Swift, the great actor.

[Denny Wi]

Armor Swift. What a ham he must be.

[Jenny Wig]

He's not a ham. He's like Orson Wellesley. He's like Walter Pigeon. He's also like Alfred Hitchcock. He's an actor, a director, a writer. He's a genius of the theater. There's nothing in the theater he can't do.

[Denny Wi]

Can he scrape the gum off the

[Mike McNally]

bottom of the seats?

[Jenny Wig]

I said there's nothing in the theater he can't do.

[Denny Wi]

Any smoke in the orchestra without getting caught.

[Jenny Wig]

You go into Mr. Berkeley's office this minute. Mike McNally. You try to make an impression on Mr.

[Denny Wi]

Swift.

[Jenny Wig]

Maybe he'll like you. Maybe he'll find a part for you in one of his new productions. He has a radio show, a repertory theater. He makes motion pictures. Go on, Mike.

[Mike McNally]

But what will I tell him?

[Denny Wi]

How will I impress him?

[Jenny Wig]

Well, just go in there and, well, show him that you're a man of many moods. That you have a profound side and a humorous side. Show him that you can portray any emotion.

[Jennifer]

Show him that you can quote from

[Jenny Wig]

Shakespeare and all the other masses. Go ahead, Mike.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Okay, Dinny.

[Denny Wi]

I'll impress Armor Swift.

[Mike McNally]

I'll show him how versatile I am. Why, I've done everything I Was even in the aquacade. What were you, a drip?

[Mr. Berkeley]

Sit down, Mr. Swift. Rest yourself.

[Armor Swift]

Oh, I never rest on my laurels. Who's talking about laurels?

[Mr. Berkeley]

Sit down, or whatever it is you sit down on.

[Armor Swift]

I must walk, walk, walk. I must keep myself perpendicular to the floor until 5pm it stimulates the brain cells. Then from 5 until 7, I am horizontal. It stimulates my metatarsals. That is my rest period.

[Mr. Berkeley]

What are you, from 7 until bedtime.

[Armor Swift]

Catty Corner, Mr. Berkeley. Catty Corner.

[Mr. Berkeley]

We're proud to have a distinguished actor and director like you with us in the store, Mr. Swift.

[Armor Swift]

I'm delighted to be here.

[Mr. Berkeley]

We expect to sell a lot of copies of your book on how to act.

[Armor Swift]

My book? Ah, yes. It's a mere masterpiece. Nothing that any genius couldn't write. It's the last word in how to act.

[Mr. Berkeley]

You know, frankly, Mr. Swift, I tried to read the book, but I didn't understand it. There weren't any words printed on the pages.

[Mike McNally]

Words?

[Armor Swift]

How old fashioned. Who puts words in books? My book teaches people how to act. It weighs seven pounds.

[Mr. Berkeley]

What does that have to do with it?

[Armor Swift]

Don't you know that the most important thing in acting is poise and posture? Haven't you ever seen actors practicing by walking up and down the room with a book on their heads? That is what my book is for.

[Mr. Gribble]

Balancing it on your head.

[Armor Swift]

I wouldn't be surprised if it were chosen by the Book of the Year Club.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Don't you mean the Book of the Month Club?

[Armor Swift]

No, the Book of the Year Club.

[Mr. Berkeley]

For people who read slowly. I'm sorry to rush you, Mr. Swift, but you know you're due in the book department to autograph your work.

[Armor Swift]

Oh, yes, undoubtedly. There are thousands of me admirers waiting to greet me. The price of fame. You work, enslave and give of your best to create artistic achievements. And after you die, what have you got? Immortality and pie upon you, thou varlet, uncommon desperado.

[Jenny Wig]

Ha, ha.

[Armor Swift]

Fame and fortune. You work all your life to give the world one beautiful inspiration after another. And after you die, what happens?

[Mr. Berkeley]

Yes, what happens?

[Armor Swift]

What happens? Warner Brothers makes the story of your life with Don Amici. As for your mortal part says, why, what an ass am I. Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 4.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Sit down, Mr. Swift. Don't knock yourself out.

[Armor Swift]

As the immortal bard said, out, out, free candle. Life is but a walking shadow, a poor player who struts and frets his hour upon the stage. Macbeth, Act 5, Scene 5, Line 11.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Sit down, Mr. Swift. You'll get a blowout in your adenoids.

[Armor Swift]

I'll never forget when I did Shakespeare down south. I was doing Polonius advice to his son Laertes. Neither a bower nor a lender be son.

[Mike McNally]

A lender that is, give thy thoughts no tongue.

[Mr. Gribble]

Tongue.

[Armor Swift]

I mean, Hamlet, Act 1, scene tune line 47.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Ah, there you are. This is my general manager.

[Mike McNally]

Hello. Hello there.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Mr. Bartlett, meet Armor Swift.

[Mike McNally]

Ah, Mr.

[Denny Wi]

Swift. Boots, boots, boots.

[Mike McNally]

Marching up and down again.

[Denny Wi]

Good, huh? Mr. Smith.

[Armor Swift]

Now tell me your name, young man. I want to hate you incognito, Smith.

[Mike McNally]

You're always on the lookout for new challenge, aren't you? Don't you want to at least hear me? Beneath the spreading chestnut tree the village smithy stands the smith, a mighty man is he with large and sinewy hands.

[Armor Swift]

Good, huh?

[Mike McNally]

Mr. Swift, why do you walk around like

[Armor Swift]

that when you can be buried for as little as $150?

[Mike McNally]

Oh, give me a chance, Mr. Swift.

[Denny Wi]

Listen to this.

[Mike McNally]

I think that I shall ever see a form lovely as a tree.

[Armor Swift]

Good, huh, Mr.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Swift?

[Armor Swift]

McNally, you recite trees with all the enthusiasm of a pack of dogs.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Now get these on.

[Mr. Gribble]

Ah, yes, yes.

[Mr. Berkeley]

You better run along, Mike. You're bothering Mr. Swift. I just wanted you to say hello. But now Mr. Swift has to go downstairs and autograph his books.

[Mike McNally]

Well, if you're not interested in acting, Mr. Swift, they can sing, too. Down the road to Mandalay where the flying fishes pullet stand it on Comes up like thunder out of Brooklyn Crosby.

[Armor Swift]

Do that again, McNally.

[Denny Wi]

Sing it again.

[Armor Swift]

No, no, no. Just that last part where your voice was so resonant.

[Denny Wi]

Resonant, Resonant.

[Armor Swift]

I'm looking for someone with that voice quality.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Surely you're joking, Mr. Swift. You couldn't use McNally in one of your shows, could you?

[Armor Swift]

I said I'm looking for someone with that timbre in his voice.

[Denny Wi]

Just what?

[Armor Swift]

Timber.

[Jennifer]

Timber, Timber.

[Mike McNally]

Want a toothpick?

[Armor Swift]

You'll be at Studio 12 of the Cosmopolitan Broadcasting Company. McNally, tomorrow at noon. I have a part for you, A very interesting part.

[Mike McNally]

Not really.

[Armor Swift]

Absolutely. You'll go down in history with Orson Welles.

[Mike McNally]

It's a radioactive.

[Armor Swift]

Not as Rita Hayworth's husband, isn't it?

[Denny Wi]

Fine, fine. Just fine.

[Armor Swift]

Yes.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Imagine that, McNally, you're going to perform on the air with Armor Sweet.

[Denny Wi]

Ah, Jenny, be so proud of me. Tomorrow, tomorrow.

[Armor Swift]

Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow Creeps in this petty pace from day to day. Macbeth, Act 5, Scene 5, Line 11. Well, I'll be running along.

[Mike McNally]

Okay, but don't Open the door. Then there's a way out. It's the closet, not the door.

[Mr. Gribble]

It's the closet, not that door.

[Armor Swift]

What were you saying, McNally?

[Mike McNally]

I said, not that door. It's a closet.

[Denny Wi]

That's a quotation too Civil.

[Mike McNally]

Magee, Act 2, Scene 3, Line 76.

[Jennifer]

He.

[Jenny Wig]

Isn't it wonderful about Mike? Mr. Berkeley?

[Mr. Berkeley]

It certainly is, Denny. I knew all the time he was that talented fellow.

[Jenny Wig]

I suppose when he becomes a famous actor, he'll be leaving Berkeley's.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Well, then I wish him godspot. I don't mind if he leaves the store to go on to greater things. But when he goes on the air tomorrow night, he'll be performing a great service of Berkeley's.

[Jenny Wig]

A great service? I don't understand.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Well, you see, Denny, I've invited 12 of my most important customers to the broadcast to see Mike perform. When they realize that Berkeley Storr hires men of such outstanding talent and initiative, they'll surely double all their business here.

[Jenny Wig]

Are you sure you're not being a little bit hasty?

[Denny Wi]

Oh, no.

[Mr. Berkeley]

I have faith in McNally's ability. Why, I've gone to all kinds of trouble to get these customers to attend the broadcast. I'm sending special calls to pick them up. I bought a dozen white orchids for their wives. McNally's acting genius will make his radio debut. The biggest thing since Charlie McCarthy interviewed Mae West.

[Jenny Wig]

You're probably right, Mr. Berkley. Mike certainly is taking the radio thing seriously.

[Jennifer]

Do you know what he's doing now?

[Armor Swift]

No, what?

[Jenny Wig]

He's down in the recreation room with Jennifer. His ears are glued to the radio. He says that if you want to be a great radio actor, you've got to know every program on the air.

[Denny Wi]

Oh, hello there, Jennifer.

[Mike McNally]

What's that tall, skinny thing?

[Mr. Gribble]

That's a mop.

[Denny Wi]

A mop?

[Mr. Gribble]

Yeah. If it was Frank Sinatra, I'd be wearing Barbie socks.

[Mike McNally]

Well, Jennifer, old girl, did you have a good time last night at the New Year's Eve party?

[Mr. Gribble]

Good time? Asking me if I had a good time is like asking Gabriel. He if there's good news tonight. Well, that was the finest party ever seen.

[Denny Wi]

Was everybody lit up?

[Mr. Gribble]

Lit up? It's the first time I ever saw a Christmas tree blush with shame. Why, Uncle Charlie threw a saddle over a bottle of White Horse and started looking for Indians. Oh, Neil, Mike McNally is the only day in the year I take firewater.

[Mike McNally]

It's New Year's Eve.

[Mr. Gribble]

But last night there was so much scotch flowing that my boyfriend and I

[Mike McNally]

went home separately because she's a scotch.

[Denny Wi]

You went home separately?

[Jennifer]

Yeah.

[Mr. Gribble]

He took the high road and I took the low road.

[Denny Wi]

Plenty of scotch, eh?

[Mike McNally]

Yeah.

[Mr. Gribble]

And about 11 o', clock, Haig turned to Haig and said, let's get out of here before we get pinched. But you should have seen my cousin Nylon Sam.

[Mike McNally]

Why do you call him Nylon Sam?

[Mr. Gribble]

Well, he made a mistake and drank a filth of liquid leg makeup.

[Mike McNally]

I suppose he got so high he couldn't walk a straight seam. I ate one or two drinks myself, Jennifer.

[Mr. Gribble]

Well, if I know you, McNally, one's enough.

[Armor Swift]

What'd you drink?

[Denny Wi]

Horses, Nick.

[Mr. Gribble]

I don't care about a horse's love life. What did you drink?

[Denny Wi]

French wine. But it didn't taste so good.

[Mike McNally]

You know that French wine they eat sample on the grapes with their feet.

[Denny Wi]

Well, why didn't it taste good, GI Hughes?

[Mr. Gribble]

Oh, was it powerful?

[Armor Swift]

Powerful.

[Denny Wi]

They took one sip and became a singer.

[Mike McNally]

A singer?

[Denny Wi]

Uh huh.

[Mike McNally]

I went out and sang it duet with a lamppost.

[Mr. Gribble]

Well, that was the nicest New Year Eve party we ever had. We toasted the victory at midnight.

[Mike McNally]

You did it?

[Mr. Gribble]

Yes, sir. My sister Bessie's boyfriend is in the Navy and mine is in the army.

[Denny Wi]

I see.

[Mr. Gribble]

So first she proposed a toast and we drank to Admiral Nimitt. Then it was my turn and we drank to General Eisenhower. Then it was Bessie's turn and we drank to Admiral Halsey.

[Mike McNally]

Then my turn again.

[Mr. Gribble]

And we drank to General MacArthur. Then Bessie drank to Admiral King. Then I drank to General Hardy. Then Bessie drank to Admiral Lane. Then I drank to General William Wise. Than a McNally. Do you know how many admirals and generals there are in the United States Armed Forces?

[Denny Wi]

No.

[Mike McNally]

How many?

[Mr. Gribble]

About three and a half quarts.

[Mike McNally]

Hey, how long did this go on?

[Mr. Gribble]

Well, Bethe went on to Commander Robert Montgomery, and then I drank to Captain Eddie Rickenbacker.

[Mike McNally]

And then what else happened?

[Mr. Gribble]

Well, I don't know. Everything went black when we got to Private Hargrove.

[Denny Wi]

Listen, Jennifer, I came down here to study acting. I've got a big part on the radio tomorrow night.

[Mr. Gribble]

That's what I call killing the killer cycle.

[Denny Wi]

Ah, yes. Armor Swift, the big radio writer, producer and actor, is using me on his big program. And he told me that I've got

[Mike McNally]

to learn to be a radioactor by

[Denny Wi]

practicing hard and listening to the radio.

[Mr. Gribble]

Then Turn it on, McNally. Turn it on. It's just about time for one of them daytime serials.

[Mike McNally]

Okay, here goes.

[Denny Wi]

We listen to the daytime serials. Maybe I can learn something about acting.

[Radio Announcer]

Ah, good afternoon, friends. Once again, it is time for the Straw Cab program, brought to you by the makers of Straw Cab. Remember, Straw Cab spelled backwards is backwards. A small cab company makes Snootub, which spelled backwards is buttons. The buttons go on your underwear and underwear backwards is very uncomfortable. Now another episode in the story of Primrose. Honeysuckle Girl. Dock Walloper, of course, this being the Straw Cab program where we do everything backwards. We bring you our dramatic sequence backwards. As the story opens, Primrose backs in through a door and says to Craig

[Jennifer]

Whitlock, me love you. That say you don't. Why Craig?

[Armor Swift]

Oh, else somebody with love in. Am I fool you?

[Mr. Gribble]

Because holy smokes, McNally, they're talking backwards.

[Mike McNally]

Yeah, backwards talking.

[Denny Wi]

Now that Jennifer smokes holy

[Jennifer]

you to belong. My half mind that you know you don't, but.

[Radio Announcer]

And so, friends, we have brought you the backwards program sponsored by Straw Cap.

[Armor Swift]

Listen in yesterday and find out what didn't happen tomorrow

[Denny Wi]

afternoon.

[Announcer]

Good.

[Mike McNally]

That's enough of that.

[Denny Wi]

I guess so. That's what they mean when they say radio drama. Gosh, I ought to be able to act as well as that when Armor Swift has me on his program.

[Mike McNally]

Well, I better do a little practicing.

[Denny Wi]

Oh, look, Jennifer, I have the balcony scene here for Romeo and Juliet.

[Mike McNally]

Would you play Juliet while they read the part of Romeo?

[Mr. Gribble]

Well, I can't, McNally. I have work to do here in the basement. Gotta keep the store clean for Mr. Berkeley, you know. But if you want to practice a balcony scene, I'll find someone who will play it with you. Somebody I know in the stockroom.

[Mike McNally]

Okay, Jennifer.

[Denny Wi]

Thanks a lot.

[Mike McNally]

You find someone in the stockroom and play Juliet to my Romeo.

[Armor Swift]

Soft.

[Denny Wi]

What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. Ah, the brightness of her cheek would shame the stars. See how she leans her cheek upon her hand.

[Mike McNally]

Or that I wear a glove upon

[Denny Wi]

that hand that I may touch that cheek.

[Mr. Smith]

Oh, peach fuzz. Romeo.

[Denny Wi]

She speaks of is that speaking?

[Mike McNally]

O, speak again, bright angel. For thou art as glorious to this night be in o' er my head

[Denny Wi]

as is a winged messenger of heaven.

[Jennifer]

Speak. Speak.

[Mr. Smith]

I can't. My mouth is full of marshmallows.

[Mike McNally]

While Juliet with love's light wings did

[Denny Wi]

I o' er perch these walls. Fearful lest thy rash parent, thy father, should find us in this tricing place.

[Mike McNally]

Thy father is a Capulet, and my father a Montague.

[Mr. Smith]

I thought your father was Irish.

[Mike McNally]

Please, Mr. Gribble, try to do this thing right.

[Denny Wi]

Mr. Berkeley's invited all his friends and customers to See me in armor. Swift's production have got to practice acting. Now from the third page.

[Mike McNally]

False speech. O Juliet, fairest one. Thine eyes are burning jewels. Thy lips are two flames of desire. Thy hair is a reddish firebrand.

[Mr. Smith]

What are you giving me, a hot foot?

[Mike McNally]

Please, Mr. Gribble, read the pat. You are supposed to be Julius. Lady, by yonder blessed moon, I swear the tips with silver. All these fruit tree tops.

[Mr. Smith]

Oh, swear not by the moon. The inconstant moon.

[Mike McNally]

Then farewell. What, oh, what shall I swear by?

[Mr. Smith]

Don't swear at all. It's nasty.

[Mike McNally]

Mr. Gribble, please read the part. Go on.

[Mr. Smith]

Ah, Romeo, my Romeo. Leavest me not. Now come but up to my balcony and kiss me. Kiss me until yon cows come home.

[Mike McNally]

I'd rather wait and kiss the cows. Ah, but halt.

[Mr. Smith]

Why dost thou leave me?

[Mike McNally]

I must leave you. I must.

[Mr. Smith]

But whither goest thou?

[Mike McNally]

I go to push a peanut with my nose across the Brooklyn Bridge.

[Mr. Smith]

But why?

[Denny Wi]

I bet on USC in the Rose Bone game.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Well, Denny, how's Mike coming along with his acting?

[Jenny Wig]

I don't know, Mr. Berkley, but I hear that he's listening to the radio, practicing Shakespeare, getting all set for his dramatic debut with Arma Swift.

[Mr. Berkeley]

I hope McNally gives a great performance. I made my wife Emma give up an important date to go to the program with us. And all of my biggest customers will be my personal guests to see what McNally does.

[Jenny Wig]

Well, I hope it works out all right. I've never thought of Mike as a great actor, but I suppose Armor Swift knows talent when he sees it. Personally, I think that as an actor. Yes, as an actor, Mike conveys two emotions.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Two emotions?

[Denny Wi]

What are they?

[Jenny Wig]

Joy and indigestion.

[Denny Wi]

Yeah. It's almost time for the rehearsal, McNally. Time for Mr. Swift to present you with the part

[Mike McNally]

that you're going to play.

[Denny Wi]

You better turn on the radio once more and listen to some real dramatic acting. Because you know what to do. Here's the switch. We'll see what's on.

[Jennifer]

Hello. Hello, Dear, Dear lady. This is to Luna Fatty, bringing you my daily visit with recipes, little household heaps, a poem or two, and how to clean a chicken.

[Jenny Wig]

You shouldn't lose the gizzard.

[Jennifer]

Now, first I've received a letter from a listener who wants to know how to make a strawberry cake. The letter says, dear Cholula, would you tell me how to make a strawberry cake with a steel file in it? Signed, Killer Malarkey. There now, isn't that sweet? But first, a Recipe. I shall tell you how to make a dish called mother in law's frappe, commonly known as Mickey Fish.

[Denny Wi]

Ah, that's not dramatic acting.

[Mike McNally]

That won't do me any good.

[Denny Wi]

I better try another station. And here's some real news, ladies and gentlemen.

[Radio Announcer]

It has just been reported officially from

[Armor Swift]

his headquarters that General Ulysses S. Grant

[Denny Wi]

has captured the city of Richmond, Virginia.

[Armor Swift]

President Abraham Lincoln has not issued any

[Radio Announcer]

statement after this great news, but one is expected shortly.

[Mike McNally]

Hey, what is this?

[Denny Wi]

Grandchild?

[Armor Swift]

Richmond?

[Mike McNally]

What kind of news is that?

[Radio Announcer]

This is a very old radio.

[Mr. Gribble]

And who asked you?

[Mike McNally]

Ah, McNally, there's nothing on the radio to help you.

[Denny Wi]

But why worry?

[Mike McNally]

You'll be a big success as an actor. Go on, take that marvelous bit of

[Denny Wi]

literature you have and practice with it. This little masterpiece will do the job. If he can read this, you'll be okay.

[Mike McNally]

You'll be all ready for our more swift program.

[Jennifer]

Go on, McNally.

[Denny Wi]

We've got a mortal masterpiece. These heat a pipe of pick the peck of pickle peppers.

[Mike McNally]

Marvelous, McNally. Terrific. After your first performance, you'll be a big star. You'll make a million dollars. People will give you gifts. They'll give you everything you want. You won't have to spend a penny

[Mr. Smith]

to get what you want.

[Armor Swift]

Nuts. What's the use?

[Mike McNally]

There you'll be, McNally, stuck with a lousy million dollar. Well, Mr. Swift, here I am. Ready to see my part.

[Jenny Wig]

You play.

[Denny Wi]

I'm in time for the rehearsal.

[Armor Swift]

Ah, yes, MacNelly, sit down. Here is the rose you might be able to do on my program tomorrow. I want you to read it for

[Mr. Berkeley]

me with all the expression you can.

[Mike McNally]

Is this the part?

[Announcer]

Yes.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Very nice part. Go ahead, start reading. It's a murder mystery.

[Armor Swift]

You get killed on page 23.

[Mr. Berkeley]

But you have 23 pages of fine lines to read.

[Armor Swift]

Go ahead.

[Mike McNally]

All right. I didn't know it, but Rifkin was the purple cheddar all the time.

[Armor Swift]

MacNella, now that I hear you read the part, perhaps you'll get killed on page 18. But you have 18 pages of fine lines to read.

[Radio Announcer]

Go on.

[Mike McNally]

I came to this deserted house on a cliff. It was raining.

[Armor Swift]

McNally, now that I hear you read more of the part, perhaps you'll get killed on page seven. But you have seven pages of fine lines to read.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Go ahead.

[Mike McNally]

Who would have thought Mifkin's wife was in the kitchen planning to drop an atomic bomb in an orphan home?

[Armor Swift]

McNally, now that I've heard you read the whole part, I've made an interesting decision.

[Mike McNally]

You mean I get killed on page five?

[Armor Swift]

No.

[Mike McNally]

Page four?

[Armor Swift]

No.

[Mike McNally]

Three?

[Armor Swift]

No.

[Mike McNally]

When do I get killed?

[Armor Swift]

When the show begins. You're dead.

[Mike McNally]

I am, huh?

[Armor Swift]

That's right. And there'll be a brief pause while rigor mortis sets in.

[Mike McNally]

You mean I won't get to say a word in the program? Not a word in horn play.

[Armor Swift]

Oh, yes. I just thought of something you can

[Mr. Berkeley]

do and do it beautifully.

[Armor Swift]

What is it? It's like this McGally you see during the program.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Well, Mike, to go to the rehearsal.

[Denny Wi]

Yes, Mr. Bartley.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Have you got your pot?

[Mike McNally]

I have.

[Mr. Berkeley]

I hope it's sensational, Mike. It better be. I've invited all our best customers to the broadcast. I don't want you to embarrass me.

[Mike McNally]

I won't.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Mrs. Berkey is giving up an important date to attend the dramatic presentation to see you perform, Mike. I know I've told everyone I know how proud I am to be a friend of yours. I've told everyone I know not to miss hearing you on Armor Swift's program. Now tell me, my boy, what are you gonna do?

[Denny Wi]

Pull up a chair, Mr. Bush.

[Mr. Berkeley]

What's your part of the program, Mike?

[Denny Wi]

Well, it's a one hour show, you know. Yes, It's a big affair with music and a cast of 40 people.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Yes, but what do you do, Mike?

[Mike McNally]

Well, the program is sponsored by Fizz,

[Denny Wi]

the best sort of drink there is.

[Armor Swift]

I see. Part 2.

[Mr. Berkeley]

What do you do?

[Denny Wi]

Well, there's a big commercial announcement in the show.

[Mike McNally]

It goes like this. Fizz, the best soda joke there is. Friends, open a bottle and see for yourself.

[Mr. Berkeley]

I know I've heard that before.

[Denny Wi]

Then they open a soda bottle.

[Mr. Berkeley]

But I still want to know what do you do on the program?

[Denny Wi]

If you listen closely, you can hear my part.

[Mr. Berkeley]

What do you do, Mike? What is your dramatic role?

[Denny Wi]

Well, in that announcement, after they say the stuff about Fizz, they open a soda bottle. So?

[Mr. Berkeley]

So what? So what do you do?

[Armor Swift]

What do you do?

[Denny Wi]

I'm going to bring the bottle opener

[Armor Swift]

idiot that just stands. Well?

[Announcer]

Well.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Because you've embarrassed me again, Mike, because you've disgraced me again, I'm going to take you by the throat and come back here. Where are you going?

[Denny Wi]

I'm getting out of here.

[Mike McNally]

Boy, I get killed. I'm going out through that door.

[Armor Swift]

It's not a door. It's a window door.

[Mike McNally]

It's a window. Door.

[Armor Swift]

Window.

[Mike McNally]

If that's the window that I'm dragged, we've pet. I'm walking through it right now. Sending good vertical down with a band aid.

[Announcer]

Mutual has presented Leave it to Mike with Walter kinsella as Mike McNally. Be sure to listen again next week at the same time for Mike McNally and his adventures in Berkeley's sporting goods store. Now here's Mike again. Well, McNally, what are you doing with that paper and pencil?

[Mike McNally]

Oh, I'm composing a song with the Barry. It's a beautiful, tender, romantic melody.

[Announcer]

What's it called?

[Mike McNally]

Grandma's Hands Are Dirty Because They Forgot To Wash the Dice. Happy New Year, Mr. Barry. Happy New Year, everyone. Happy New Year, Mike.

[Announcer]

And we'll be seeing you again next

[Armor Swift]

week when Mr. Berkeley says, Leave it to Mike.

[Mike McNally]

Mike McNally.

[Announcer]

Leave it to Mike is written by Howard Merrow and Alan Sherman. And the program is directed by Roger Bauer. Any similarity on this program to actual persons, places or events is purely coincidental.

[Denny Wi]

Leave it to Mike came to you

[Announcer]

from the Mutual Longacre Theater in New York. This is the Mutual Broadcasting System.

[Mike McNally]

It.