Abbott And Costello - 43-11-25 - Thanksgiving Dinner

Summary

Abbott and Costello - 43-11-25 - Thanksgiving Dinner

Podcast: Harold’s Old Time Radio
Host: Harold’s Old Time Radio
Episode Date: November 12, 2025
Original Air Date: November 25, 1943

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Episode Overview

This classic “Abbott and Costello” radio episode is a raucous Thanksgiving comedy centered on Abbott hosting a formal holiday dinner and Costello's schemes to get invited. Through a series of misunderstandings, malapropisms, puns, and slapstick, Costello tries to join the upper crust festivities, navigate etiquette faux pas, and ultimately causes chaos with disastrous dinner service—including a stolen necklace and mistaken identities. The episode captures the charm of 1940s radio comedy—full of quick wit, vaudeville banter, silly characters, and holiday mayhem.

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Main Discussion Points and Segments

1. Thanksgiving Dinner Invitation

• Abbott disinvites Costello: Abbott, planning a ‘snooty set’ dinner, initially refuses to invite Costello due to his lack of etiquette and table manners.

  • Memorable joke about social class and etiquette
    • Costello: “What would I do with a finesse in California?”
    • Abbott: “You don’t need a finesse—if it gets cold, we turn on the gas heater.” (03:13)

• Costello pleads to be invited:

  • Physical comedy and puns about being thin but “hollow.”
    • Costello: “Look at me, Abbott. I only weigh 90 pounds now.”
    • Abbott: “90 pounds? Why, you’re 56 inches around the waist!”
    • Costello: “Yeah, but I’m hollow.” (05:29)

2. Costello's Attempts at Etiquette

• Abbott quizzes Costello on dining etiquette, leading to malapropisms and puns.

  • Classic fork/spoon joke:
    • Abbott: “Which is proper to use when eating peas, a fork or a spoon?”
    • Costello: “I don’t use either one. I just slide my lower lip under the plate and bank the peas off the mashed potatoes.” (04:25)

• Etiquette book gags:

  • Costello: “I’ll buy one of them books on ETI by Emily Pillar.”
  • Abbott: “That’s Emily Post.”
  • Costello: “I’ll read both of them. I’ll go from pillar to post.” (04:14)

3. Chaos in the Kitchen

• Costello helps prepare Thanksgiving dinner and hilariously misinterprets the cookbook.

  • Butter & molasses confusion:
    • Costello: “First I put in two tubs of butter.”
    • Abbott: “That’s tablespoons!”
    • Costello: “I threw them in too. …three gullops of molasses...” (09:13 - 10:01)

• Goose plucking pun:

  • Abbott: “You should be out singeing the feathers off the goose.”
  • Costello: “Sure, I know how to singe—I was singing when you came in!” (10:02)

• Arrival of Chef Kitzel:

  • Kitzel claims to be the famous French chef “Pierre René”—joking “I always come here in the René season.”
  • Kitzel packs his own pot “with a belt around it.” (11:02 - 11:31)

4. Dinner Service & Formalities

• Costello serves as butler, announcing guests and mangling names and titles (“Lord Hip Hop, Knight of the Garter”), and confusion with Lady Jennifer’s “Belgian hair” (rabbit).
  • Black olive martini joke:
    • Lady Jennifer: “Make it a martini with a black olive.”
    • Abbott: “You drink martinis with a black olive?”
    • Lady Jennifer: “Yes, I’m in mourning for my husband.” (19:13)
  • Serving the turkey—pun on “give me the bird”:
    • Abbott: “You give me the bird.”
    • Costello: “In front of everybody?” (13:28)

5. Whodunit—The Missing Necklace

• During dinner, the lights go out and Lady Jennifer’s pearl necklace goes missing. Police arrive, interrogating everyone in slapstick fashion.

  • Officer: “Somebody will get the jug for this. Sounds like you’ve had it already.” (22:13)
  • Series of gags as each guest is accused, with physical comedy and confusion about identities.
  • Resolution: Necklace is found in Lady Jennifer’s tapioca; she admits, “They slipped off my neck into my tapioca.” (23:49)

• Sebastian’s logic for turning out the lights:

  • Abbott: “Who turned out the lights?”
  • Costello: “Because you said you didn’t want to see Louie’s thumb in the soup.” (24:14)

6. Closing Banter

• After the farcical dinner, Costello describes his approach to stuffing the turkey:
  • Costello: “I ground up a lot of bread crumbs and put in garlic. Then I put in a little onions and put in some more garlic, then a whole lot of onions, then a whole lot of garlic…”
  • Abbott: “Did you taste it?”
  • Costello: “Taste it? I couldn’t even get near it.” (26:02)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Cat and chickens pun:

  • Costello: “Your cat just had chickens…”
  • Abbott: “You mean kittens—cats don’t have chickens!”
  • Costello: “Well, your cat just had them.” (01:28)

• Etiquette confusion:

  • Costello: “Etiquette and tickety, it’s the same thing.” (04:10)

• Frozen ink pun:

  • Costello: “Then what is frozen ink?”
  • Abbott: “Ice stink!”
  • Costello: “You’ll get no argument out of me.” (14:27)

• Serving mishaps:

  • Abbott: “Remember, I don’t want to see your thumb in the soup.”
  • Costello: “Okay, I’ll fix that.” (turns off the light) (21:05)

• Malapropisms galore:

  • “You not only humilify me, but you have impud on my good name.” (06:57)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Costello pleads for a Thanksgiving invitation: 05:29
• Table manners & etiquette gags: 03:11 - 04:49
• Kitchen chaos and cookbook jokes: 09:13 - 10:01
• Chef Kitzel’s entrance: 11:02 – 11:31
• Funny guest announcements at the dinner: 18:03 – 19:45
• Black olive martini pun: 19:13
• “Give me the bird” joke: 13:28
• Missing necklace & police interrogation: 21:08 – 23:49
• Stuffing the turkey with garlic and onions: 26:02

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Tone and Language

The entire episode is in the fast-paced, wisecracking style of classic vaudeville. Malapropisms, verbal puns, misheard words, and gentle slapstick abound, with Abbott as the straight man and Costello’s childlike literalism and confusion driving the comedy. The episode emphasizes light-hearted lampooning of upper-class manners and Thanksgiving traditions.

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Summary

For fans of radio’s golden age or lovers of classic comedy, this Thanksgiving special is a perfect slice of comic Americana. Abbott and Costello’s wordplay-filled antics, Costello’s mischievous innocence, the parade of eccentric characters, and the comedic escalation around a disastrous holiday dinner highlight the best of old-time radio humor—timeless, silly, and joyfully irreverent.

Transcript

[Narrator/Announcer]

Do you know what happens when you replace your regular old electric water heater with a new electric heat pump water heater? You boost your savings a lot. In fact, Energy Star estimates that a family of four will save an average of $550 a year on their electric energy bills. And your new heat pump water heater can pay for itself in as little as three years. Level up with a heat pump water heater. Go to levelupmywaterheater.com to learn more.

[Bud Abbott]

The Avenue Costello program brought to you by Camel. The cigarette that's first in the service according to actual sales records. See if your throat and your taste don't make Camel a first with you too. Find out for yourself. Listen to the great rhythms of Freddie Rich and his orchestra. The swingy singing of. And this being Thanksgiving Day, we recall this touching scene. As the good ship Mayflower landed at Plymouth Rock, the captain shouted to the Indian chief. Costello. Costello, do you realize it's 7 o'?

[Lou Costello]

Clock?

[Bud Abbott]

Where have you been? Oh, Abbot, I just came from your house and have I got news for you. What is it? Your cat just had chickens. My cat had chickens? Yep. My cat had chickens? Yep. You mean kittens? Cats don't have chickens. What was that you brought home in a paper bag last night? Chicken. Well, your cat just had them. You mean that cat ate my chickens? He swallowed the chickens bag and all. Why didn't you take them away from them?

[Lou Costello]

You know me, Abbott, I ain't the.

[Bud Abbott]

Type that would let the bag out of the cat.

[Lou Costello]

I think that wrong.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, I've got plenty of other food around the house, by the way. What, being that this is Thanksgiving Day? Yes. I. I hate to think of you eating alone. What do you mean? What do you say to having Thanksgiving dinner with me? Why, that's mighty fine of you, Costello. Good. At what time? 8 o'. Clock. @ your house. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, you'll get. No, no, you'll get no turkey at my house. And how about a little duck? Duck? Yeah, that's a chicken with snowshoes on. Hey look, I'm sorry, Costello, you can't come to my house for Thanksgiving. I'm having a dinner for the smoke snooty set. Oh, the snooty set. You heard me. No, I'm not good enough to eat with. Pig.

[Lou Costello]

No, no, no.

[Bud Abbott]

Will you listen to me, please? I'm listening. Tonight I'm entertaining a few of the 400. A few of the 400? Yes. That's 800 all. I get it. No, no, no, no, no, no, just the 400. That's what I said. That's what I said. That's your line. Thank you. Well. Well, just because they weigh a little more than me, that don't make them any better than I am. No, no. Talk sense, please. I. I couldn't have you at my house. This is going to be a very classy affair. Why? I have a little silver tray to brush the crumbs on. Crumbs? Mm, certainly. Don't you have crumbs at your table? Sure, Rabbit. You're welcome anytime. There you go. You have absolutely no finesse. No, what? I said you have no finesse. What would I do with a finesse?

[Lou Costello]

In California?

[Bud Abbott]

You don't need a finesse.

[Lou Costello]

If it gets cold, we turn on the gas heater.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, guys, look, I didn't say.

[Lou Costello]

Or the ratio.

[Bud Abbott]

Care.

[Lou Costello]

I didn't say. He's getting like four years.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, look, look, please. All right, all right. I didn't say furnace in the first place. I said finesse. No, no way you're saying. All right, you're getting me all mixed up here. Look, I'm trying to tell you. Listen to me, please. Your table manners are terrible. The last time you had dinner at my house, you did nothing but reach across the table and grab for the food. Well, what was wrong with that? What was wrong with that? You've got a tongue, haven't you? Yeah, but I can reach further with my arm. There you go again, Castella. You see, you know nothing at all about the proper way to eat. You have no etiquette. I got no what? You have no etiquette.

[Lou Costello]

Etiquette?

[Bud Abbott]

Yes, you heard me.

[Lou Costello]

You don't even know how to say the word. Etiquette.

[Bud Abbott]

Yeah, you dope. What do you mean, anti and. No, It's. It's etiquette.

[Lou Costello]

Well, etiquette and tickety, it's the same thing.

[Bud Abbott]

So what?

[Lou Costello]

Well, I'll go out and I'll buy.

[Bud Abbott]

One of them books on ETI by Emily Pillar. Emily Pillar? Yeah, That's. That's Emily Post. Okay, I'll read the both of them. Both of them? I'll go from pillar to post. Well, you should read that book, Costello. It will tell you a lot of things. For instance, which is proper to use when eating peas, a fork or a spoon? I don't use either one. Well, how do you eat your peas? Oh, I just slide my lower lip under the plate and bank the peas off the mashed potatoes.

[Lou Costello]

Sometimes the mashed potatoes cost you my ears. Yes, I can imagine that sloppy huh?

[Bud Abbott]

Yeah, yeah. Costello, you haven't got the brains of a two year old child.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

[Bud Abbott]

Why not? Look at the difference in our ages. The way you act. I could never have you at my table. Look, Abbott, if you know so much about manners, just answer me this one thing. What is? Which hand do you stir your coffee with? I stir my coffee with my right hand. That's funny. Most people use a spoon. That's not laughing. Now that settles it. Yeah, that settles everything. I was just about to break down and invite you for dinner. But now you had to be a smart alec, didn't you? Wait a minute. Yeah, you did. Wait a minute. Now you're my old pal. I can't help it. You can't do this to me. Well, I did. You gotta invite me to dinner on Thanksgiving. I ain't got no place to go. I'm sorry. You can't. Your old French dog. Look at me, Abbott.

[Lou Costello]

I only weigh 90 pounds now.

[Bud Abbott]

90 pounds? Why you're 56 inches around the waist. Yeah, but I'm hollow. All right, look.

[Lou Costello]

Ah, look.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, all right. You can come to dinner, Godzilla, but you'll have to make yourself useful. Now get there early and wait on the table. Why should I wait on a table? Why can't I wait in Apollo with the rest of the people? No, no, you dummy. I mean I want. I don't want to sit on your table waiting. I mean, I want you to help with the serving. Now the first, the first course will be orders. Of course. You know what orders are? Yeah, that's French for leftovers. No, no Castella, orders are snacks. Now you take care of the ladies first. It's. It's up to you to see that each lady gets a snack. Are the husband's gonna be there? Certainly. Then I ain't gonna do it. What? Do what? I ain't gonna go around snacking. The ladies, their husbands are liable to come around and snack me. On second thought, you'd better stay out in and help with the oyster dressing. Why, Abbott. What's the matter? What you said, what's wrong? You ought to be ashamed of yourself talking that way to a boy of my age. What do you mean? I'm just at the age of picking things up like. What's wrong? Why, it's a good thing my mother isn't here. Oh, the shame of it all. What are you talking about? How dare you ask me to help with the oyster dress. What do you mean? Now look at it. I didn't mind when you said I had to wait for you on a table. And I was only mildly surprised when you asked me to snack all the ladies, especially in front of their husband. But when you have the nerve to ask me to go out in the kitchen and dress a bunch of naked oysters, you not only humilify me, but.

[Lou Costello]

You have impud on my good name.

[Bud Abbott]

Tomorrow, on the back cover of Life magazine, you'll see a very stirring set of pictures. Pictures under the title, Pair of Aces, back to back. A Navy dauntless dive bomber attacking a Japanese carrier. Notice too, the pair of flyers. The pair of aces in the lower left hand corner. And read the words they're saying. I quote, camels our cigarette suits the throat and the taste to a T unquote C. Camels. Their aces with the aces could be with you, too. Here is Freddie Rich with java Junct.

[Lou Costello]

Sam.

[Bud Abbott]

Sa.

[Lou Costello]

Shortening, shortening. Mammy's little baby loves a shortening bread Mammoth little baby loves shortening the short. Nan.

[Bud Abbott]

Estella. Estella. You have to cut out that singing in the kitchen. You're disturbing the guests. What happen? I always sing when I'm making sour milk biscuits. Sour milk biscuits? Sure. We haven't got any sour milk. You will have when I get through singing.

[Lou Costello]

And Mammy's little baby loves.

[Bud Abbott]

Sh. Better save his money. All right, look. Cut. Cut that out. Look. What are you doing there? What's all that stuff you're putting in? 3. How to do it? What did you. First I got to put in two tubs of butter. Two tubs of butter? Sure. It says right here in the cookbook. Butter. Two TBS tubs. That's tablespoons. I threw them in, too. You threw. What else did you put in there? I put in some flour, salt, baking powder and three gullops of molasses. Three gullops? What are gullops? You know, Abbott, when you pour the molasses out of the jug, it goes scallop gullo.

[Lou Costello]

I put in three of those.

[Bud Abbott]

Look, Castella, I don't want you to do any cooking. I've got a chef coming here to take care of that. I thought you'd be out here singeing the feathers off the goose. Doing what? Singeing. Singeing? Don't you know how to singe? Sure, I know how to singe. I was singing when you came in.

[Lou Costello]

My name is Little Baby.

[Bud Abbott]

I'm a good singer. Yeah. No, no, no, no. Singeing gets the down off the goose. Didn't you ever get down off a goose? Oh.

[Lou Costello]

Did you read that right?

[Bud Abbott]

Yes. Well, didn't you?

[Lou Costello]

Did I have a what?

[Bud Abbott]

Didn't you ever get down off a goose? No, I got down off a horse.

[Lou Costello]

No, no, no, no, no, I never rode a goose. That was.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, thank goodness. Here comes the chef. Don't tell me that you're the cook?

[Lou Costello]

Could be, yes. You know something?

[Bud Abbott]

Over in Paris, I am known as.

[Lou Costello]

The famous French chef, Pierre Reyne.

[Bud Abbott]

You're the great Rene?

[Lou Costello]

Yes, I am.

[Bud Abbott]

Yes. Then what are you doing in California? Oh, I always come here in the Rene season. The rainy season?

[Lou Costello]

Yes.

[Bud Abbott]

This guy's a washout. Never mind that, Costello looks. We've got to get my Thanksgiving dinner. Cook, please. Kitsley, you'll find all the utensils in that big cupboard over there.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, who needs your utensils?

[Bud Abbott]

I brought along my own pot. That's the first pot I ever saw with a belt around it. Costello, please keep out of this. Kitzel, do you know anything about cooking game?

[Lou Costello]

Do I know how to cook game? Why, I'm cooking the finest pinochle you ever tasted.

[Bud Abbott]

You cook?

[Lou Costello]

Sure. Pinocchio.

[Bud Abbott]

Sister crowd. Oh, look, Kitzel, I don't want to get personal, but why don't you pull in your tongue? Nobody ordered cold cuts. Look, never mind that. Castella. Kitzel, get busy, please, and get the dinner ready.

[Lou Costello]

Now, just a second. Just a second, my little man. Don't get excited.

[Bud Abbott]

First I got to open my little bag and get out my chisels and saws. What chisels and saws? Clean chisels and creme de la shore. You know, gets was too bad you didn't bring your monkey wrench.

[Lou Costello]

Well, for goodness sake, what would I be doing with a monkey wrench?

[Bud Abbott]

Well, you could tighten the nuts on a fruitcake. Doc Castella, please, will you get busy and help Getzel? I'm going into the living room and see if any of my guests have arrived yet. Sebastian. Sebastian. Shut off that radio. Shut it off. My. Sebastian.

[Lou Costello]

Well, I just come over to help you out, Uncle Bud. And I thought the guests would like some nice romantic music.

[Bud Abbott]

Romantic music? Oh, that tiger isn't romantic music.

[Lou Costello]

It is to another tiger.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, look, Sebastian, if you're going to hang around here, you'll have to behave yourself. Now, this is going to be a very formal Thanksgiving dinner. The men will all wear tails. Tails?

[Lou Costello]

Who's coming, Mickey Mouse?

[Bud Abbott]

Will you please listen? Sebastian, it will be your job to usher the people into the dining room. I will sit at the head of the table. Ken Niles will sit on my right hand And Connie Haynes will sit on my left hand.

[Lou Costello]

Ken Niles is going to sit on your right hand.

[Bud Abbott]

That's right.

[Lou Costello]

And Connie Haynes will sit on your left hand.

[Bud Abbott]

That's right.

[Lou Costello]

How are you going to eat? With your feet?

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, no. Look, when you get all the people seated, you go to the kitchen. Then when I ring this little dinner bell, your brother will hand me the carving knife and you give me the bird.

[Lou Costello]

In front of everybody.

[Bud Abbott]

That'll do, Sebastian. Now go out in the kitchen and make some ice water. And I do hope you can make.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Do you know what happens when you replace your regular old electric water heater with a new electric heat pump water heater? You boost your savings a lot. In fact, Energy Star estimates that a family of four will save an average of $550 a year on their electric energy bills. And your new heat pump water heater can pay for itself in as little as 3. Level up with a heat pump water heater. Go to levelupmywaterheater.com to learn more.

[Bud Abbott]

Ice water.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, sure.

[Bud Abbott]

You just peel an onion. An onion? Yeah.

[Lou Costello]

That'll make your eyes water.

[Bud Abbott]

Sebastian, ice water is frozen water.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, yeah?

[Bud Abbott]

Yeah.

[Lou Costello]

Then what is frozen ink?

[Bud Abbott]

Ice stink.

[Lou Costello]

You'll get no argument out of me.

[Bud Abbott]

What? Cliff, Connie Haynes and a current revival of a great song, the Sunny side of the Street.

[Lou Costello]

Grab your coat and get your hat Leave your worry on the doorstep Just direct your feet to the drumm Inside of the street can't you hear a bit of hey. And that happy life can be so sweet on the bloody side of the street I used to walk in the shed with those blues on red But I'm not afraid this rubber crossed over if I never have a st I'll be r Just as rock a fella no dust at my feet on the sunny side of the street I used to walk in the shade with those blues on the red But I'm not afraid this Rover yeah, I crossed over if I never have a sand I'm the richest Rockefeller Both just at my feet On a sunny, sunny side of the street.

[Bud Abbott]

You have read in the papers how people are smoking so much more and how cigarettes are being shipped to our fighting men overseas in huge quantities. And if your dealer occasionally should say, sorry, sir, we're out of Camels today, don't let that stop you from asking for Camels. The very next time you're buying cigarettes, remember that Camel's rich full flavor and kind, cool mildness make Camels worth asking for again and again. Because war or peace, Camel is Still Camel. And your T zone that T for taste and T for throat will confirm that statement. C A, M, E L, S. Camels now is always the cigarette of costlier tobaccos. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we take you to the home of Bud Abbott where a formal Thanksgiving dinner is about to be served. Costello has been working in the kitchen all day like a dog but he is now ready to face the guests. Let us look in on this dog face. Costello. Costello, the guests are arriving. Open the door and announce them as they come in. Announcing Mr. And Mrs. Ned Blank. Mr. And Mrs. Phil Klezner. Announcing Lord Hip Hop, Knight of the Garter. Lord Beaverboard, Knight of the Bath and Hedy Lamar. Hedy Lamar isn't here. I was thinking of another knight.

[Lou Costello]

Young man, how dare you leave me standing here? Kindly take my card and announce me. Okay.

[Bud Abbott]

Hillside 2183. Ask for Hazel. If a man answers, hang up.

[Lou Costello]

Wrong card. Wrong card. That isn't my car.

[Bud Abbott]

I'm sorry, I got that mixed up with one of my own. Costello, watch your manners. Okay, this is Lady Jennifer. Cookie cutter.

[Lou Costello]

This little boy. My home, you know, is at Glendinning on the Tyne.

[Bud Abbott]

Clendenning on the Tyne? Then you must know my Great Aunt Harriet. The old girl is Bollagar, you know.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, from Glendinning on the Dine?

[Bud Abbott]

No, from hitchhiking on oil trucks. All right, that's enough. Costello, take Lady Jennifer's coat and I'll escort her to the table.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, by all means, the table. Oh, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello. Costello, get that horse out of here.

[Lou Costello]

Get out of here. Get out.

[Bud Abbott]

Get out of here.

[Lou Costello]

Get out of here.

[Bud Abbott]

And please, please bring Lady Jennifer a cocktail.

[Lou Costello]

Yes, make it a martini with a black olive.

[Bud Abbott]

You drink martinis with a black olive?

[Lou Costello]

Yes. I'm in mourning for my husband.

[Bud Abbott]

If I was you, Lady Jennifer, I would lay off those martinis. They're pretty hot, Costello. What makes you think they're hot? Because I just poured one. When I dropped the olive in, the olive stuck out its pimento.

[Lou Costello]

By the way, Mr. Car, Mr. Rabbit, I have a little Thanksgiving present for you. A nice, fat Belgian hair. I raise them, you know.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, thank you. Lady Jennifer Castillo, take Lady Jennifer's hair.

[Lou Costello]

Take her what?

[Bud Abbott]

Take her hair and put it in the icebox.

[Lou Costello]

Okay, Abbott. No, no, no, You.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello. Now look what you've done. Speak to Lady Jennifer. Hello, Baldi.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, I've never been so insulted in all my life.

[Bud Abbott]

Come, Lady Jennifer. I'll show you under the table. I'll show you get the line. Right.

[Lou Costello]

Not under the table.

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, I'm sorry, Mrs. Jennifer. I'll show you to the table.

[Lou Costello]

Very well. You may take my arm.

[Bud Abbott]

Does that come off too? Costello, get busy and serve the dinner. And remember, I don't want to see your thumb in the soup. Okay, Lord Beaverbrook. Boy. Pardon me, Mr. Beaverboard. It's quite all right. Please. What problem with a turkey would you like? Well, I'm a flyer. I'll take the wing. And pretty rich. Well, I'm a musician. I'll take the drumstick. And Sebastian, what part of the turkey would you like?

[Lou Costello]

Well, you can skip me. I'm a veteran, kid. I hope somebody will remember me. I like the neck.

[Bud Abbott]

I like the neck too. Connie, I'll meet you out on the front porch. That's gotta keep quiet and save the soup. And remember, I don't want to see your thumb in it. Okay, I'll fix that.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, somebody turned off the light. And quick.

[Bud Abbott]

Turn on the light.

[Lou Costello]

Somebody there?

[Bud Abbott]

The lights are on. What's the trouble, Lady Jennifer?

[Lou Costello]

My necklace is gone. Somebody's stolen my pearl necklace.

[Bud Abbott]

Quick, Estelle, call the police, please. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Use the French phone. I don't speak French. Oh, here, please, hear. I'll call him. Operator, give me the. Please, hurry up. Hello, Police department? This is. But Abbott's home. There's been a robber. Well, here we are. We're from headquarters. What took you so long? What took you so long? So long? What, are you leaving already? Now, shut up, you. You look suspicious. Stick up your hands and reach for the ceiling. Okay, but I know I won't make it. Officer, there's been a robbery here. The lights went out and somebody stole Lady Jennifer's pearl necklace. A stolen necklace, eh? Somebody will get the jug for this. Sounds like you've had it already.

[Lou Costello]

Come on, come on, light up against the wall.

[Bud Abbott]

And you.

[Lou Costello]

Too bad by.

[Bud Abbott]

What's your name? Honest Luke Costello. Costello, eh? Ain't you got a relative doing time at Alcatraz? Yes, sir, that's my Uncle Stebbins. They put him in for something he didn't do. For something he didn't do? Yeah. He didn't wipe off his fingerprints when he robbed the bank. Now, get in line there. I'll take this gentleman first. What's your name? Lord Beaverboard. Where were you sitting when the necklace was stolen? Well, I. You lie. Ouch. How long have you known Lady Jennifer? Well, I. You lied.

[Lou Costello]

Ouch.

[Bud Abbott]

Gets rid of him fast, don't he? All Right. Sergeant, drag this man out of here. Now, Costello, you're next. I think there are others ahead of me. I'm ready to take you now, but I don't want to be selfish. Women and children first. Sit down there in the chair. Just a minute. Who are you shoving?

[Lou Costello]

Who are you shoving?

[Bud Abbott]

I'm shoving you. And what about?

[Lou Costello]

I just wanted to be sure.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, where was you when the lights went out? I was. You lied. I expected it. Ouch. What's the matter?

[Lou Costello]

Look what he did.

[Bud Abbott]

Did you hurt your head?

[Lou Costello]

No, but he broke my shoelaces.

[Bud Abbott]

Shut up, you. Now, I'm going to question the little by here. Oh, no, not that. You can't question my little brother Sebastian. And why not? There's only one head between us. I'm playing both parts.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, Costa Nova Castanos. Officer, there's been a horrible mistake. My pearls weren't stolen at all. They slipped off my neck into my tapioca.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, leave them there. You look better wearing tapioca.

[Lou Costello]

What happened to Costello?

[Bud Abbott]

But wait, wait a minute. There's one thing I can't understand, Costello. Who turned out the lights when you were serving dinner?

[Lou Costello]

I turned them out of Sebastian.

[Bud Abbott]

Why did you turn the lights off?

[Lou Costello]

Because you said you didn't want to see Louis Thumb in the soup.

[Bud Abbott]

Sebastian, do you realize what you did? You almost got me arrested.

[Lou Costello]

Your brother.

[Bud Abbott]

They might have thrown me in jail. Then I would have to walk around with the pallor of the prison on my noble brow. Why did you do such things to your loving brother Sebastian?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, I'm a bad boy.

[Bud Abbott]

Evan and Cascala will be back in a moment. Thanks to the angst of the week. Tonight we salute Lieutenant Thomas A. McKenzie of Auburn, Kentucky. Fighting off unconsciousness from flak wounds in his chest, this bombardier hero completed his bomb run without even letting his own crewmates know he was wounded. In your honor, Lieutenant MacKenzie, the makers of Camels are sending to our fighters overseas 400,000 Camel cigarettes. Each of the three Camel radio shows honors a Yank of the week by sending free 400,000 Camel cigarettes overseas. A total of more than a million camels sent free each week in this country. The camel caravans traveling from camp to camp have thanked audiences of more than 4 million yanks with free shows and free Camels. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States three times a week. I rebroadcast to our men overseas and to South America. Listen tomorrow to Demi Durante and Gary Moore. Monday to Bob Hawk in thanks to the Yanks. And next Thursday to Abbott and Costello and Now here are Bud Abbott and Luke Costello with a final word. Well, Costello, now that we've done our show, let's get home and have our turkey. Yeah, I think it's a good idea because I'm just about ready for it. Now, did you make the stuffing? Yeah, I did. I made grand stuff. You did, huh? Yeah, I ground up a lot of bread crumbs and then I put in some garlic. Then I put in a little onions and I put in some more garlic, then a whole lot of onion, then a whole lot of garlic, then a whole lot of more onions, then a whole lot of garlic and a whole lot of more onions. Wait a minute. And then a little more. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Wait a minute, wait a minute. Did you taste it? Taste it? I couldn't even get near it. Good night, folks. Night.

[Lou Costello]

Good night, everybody.

[Bud Abbott]

Be sure to tune in next week for another great Abbott and Costello show. And remember, try Camels on your throat and your taste. See for yourself how Camel's mildness, coolness and flavor click with you. The Evan and Costello show for Camel cigarettes will be back at this very same time next week. Don't miss it. This is Ken Niles in Hollywood wishing you all a pleasant good night.

[Narrator/Announcer]

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