Abbott And Costello 44-12-07 Visit To Tin Pan Alley

Summary

Podcast Summary: Abbott and Costello 44-12-07 Visit To Tin Pan Alley

Podcast Information:

• Title: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Host/Author: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Episode: Abbott And Costello 44-12-07 Visit To Tin Pan Alley
• Release Date: July 10, 2025

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Introduction

In this engaging episode of Harold's Old Time Radio, the legendary comedy duo Bud Abbott and Lou Costello take listeners on a humorous journey through their attempt to transform their traditional comedy program into a high-class musical showcase. The episode titled "Visit To Tin Pan Alley" captures the essence of their dynamic interplay, blending classic slapstick humor with witty banter.

The Musical Dilemma

The episode opens with Bud Abbott expressing concern over Lou Costello's sudden interest in shifting the show's focus from comedy to music. Lou insists, “[00:02:05] Lou Costello: Because I want to do a high class program like his. No jokes. No comedy. Nothing but music and beautiful songs,” signaling his desire to emulate the sophisticated performances of artists like Bing Crosby.

Bud, ever the pragmatist, counters Lou’s ambition with skepticism, stating, “[00:02:23] Bud Abbott: Don't be silly, Costello. We can't get along without laughs.” This sets the stage for their comedic tug-of-war, highlighting the classic Abbott and Costello dynamic—Bud’s straight-man persona against Lou’s more chaotic enthusiasm.

Attempting to Sing Like Bing Crosby

Lou's aspiration to perform high-class music leads to a series of comedic exchanges about musical knowledge and vocal ability. At one point, Lou misconstrues musical terminology, humorously blending it with nonsensical phrases:

• “[00:02:13] Lou Costello: I want to do a high class. High class, not high close. That's wrong.”
• “[00:04:00] Lou Costello: Yes, I do.”

Bud attempts to educate Lou on the basics of music, only to receive absurd answers in return:

• “[00:04:05] Lou Costello: Well, there's wall notes, P notes, coconut cashew notes.”
• “[00:05:06] Lou Costello: No wonder his music is so staggering.”

These exchanges are peppered with classic wordplay and misunderstandings that amplify the comedic tension between the two.

Journey to Tin Pan Alley

Determined to realize his musical dreams, Lou persuades Bud to accompany him to Tin Pan Alley, the historic heart of American songwriting. Their visit leads to a meeting with the iconic songwriter Freddie Rich, portrayed with a blend of charm and satire:

• “[00:11:33] Lou Costello: I love you. Music is a beautiful thing.”
• “[00:12:05] Bud Abbott: Let's go in.”

Freddie Rich introduces himself as the “greatest musician in Tin Pan Alley,” but his interactions with Lou are far from harmonious. Lou’s lack of musical prowess becomes evident as he struggles to read sheet music:

• “[00:04:37] Lou Costello: I see a bunch of flies sitting on a fence.”
• “[00:05:00] Bud Abbott: Those aren't flies. Those are notes.”

Freddie attempts to guide Lou through the basics, but Lou’s confusion only deepens, leading to more comedic moments:

• “[00:13:11] Lou Costello: A poco or piu accelerando?”
• “[00:21:58] Bud Abbott: Costella, please pay attention to Madame Spumoni, will you?”

Interactions with Madame Spumoni

To help Lou improve his singing, Bud brings in Madame Spumoni, an opera singer, to provide vocal instruction. This interaction adds another layer of humor as Lou continues to misinterpret musical advice:

• “[00:20:38] Lou Costello: Try to borrow properly.”
• “[00:22:32] Lou Costello: A pear shaped tone. Which end first?”

Madame Spumoni’s attempts to educate Lou are met with his trademark confusion and miscommunication, further highlighting the comedic disconnect between their aspirations and abilities.

Climactic Attempt to Sing

The pinnacle of the episode occurs when Lou insists on performing his own song, “The Flight of the Stumblebum,” despite clear signs he is unprepared:

• “[00:18:33] Lou Costello: Now, what's the matter, Freddie? Can't you handle it?”
• “[00:19:02] Lou Costello: My favorite song. I am writing Caroline.”

As the orchestra attempts to follow Lou’s erratic instructions, the performance devolves into chaos, encapsulating the quintessential Abbott and Costello humor that fans adore.

Conclusion and Return to Comedy

After the failed musical endeavors, the episode wraps up with Bud and Lou reconciling their comedic partnership. Bud humorously references bringing his cousin, Chuck Reisner, a basso profondo singer, only to derail with more wordplay:

• “[00:27:13] Bud Abbott: Well, Costello, if you really want more music on our show next week, I'll bring along my cousin, Chuck Reisner.”
• “[00:27:26] Lou Costello: I wish you hadn't said that, Abbott.”

The episode concludes with Connie Haynes’s playful goodnights and a nod to future shows, leaving listeners with a sense of the enduring camaraderie and comedic genius that defines Abbott and Costello.

Notable Quotes and Moments

• Musical Misunderstandings:

  • “[00:04:02] Lou Costello: There’s wall notes, P notes, coconut cashew notes.”
  • “[00:04:11] Lou Costello: My mother never lets me go into those places.”

• Tin Pan Alley Visit:

  • “[00:11:55] Lou Costello: What are you trying to do?”
  • “[00:12:05] Freddie Rich: I can play any instrument.”

• Vocal Training with Madame Spumoni:

  • “[00:20:10] Lou Costello: Opera singer? Yes. They don't even look like an opera singer.”
  • “[00:22:38] Lou Costello: Which end first?”

• Climactic Performance Attempt:

  • “[00:18:33] Lou Costello: I am writing Caroline.”
  • “[00:19:11] Lou Costello: My what?”

• Final Goodnights:

  • “[00:27:37] Bud Abbott: Good night, folks.”
  • “[00:27:38] Connie Haynes: Good night, everybody.”

Insights and Themes

This episode masterfully showcases Abbott and Costello’s ability to blend humor with relatable scenarios—such as striving for personal growth and the challenges that come with it. Their interactions with aspiring to elevate their show from comedy to music reflect broader themes of ambition, resilience, and the enduring nature of friendship and teamwork.

Moreover, the inclusion of musical elements and interactions with fictional representatives of Tin Pan Alley adds a nostalgic layer, paying homage to the rich history of American entertainment and the vibrant ecosystem that supported artists during the Golden Age of Radio.

Conclusion

"Visit To Tin Pan Alley" is a testament to Abbott and Costello’s timeless appeal, combining sharp wit, impeccable timing, and the cherished chemistry that made them icons of comedy. For both longtime fans and new listeners, this episode offers a delightful glimpse into the duo’s creative processes and their perennial quest to entertain and amuse.

Listeners are left with a hearty laugh and a renewed appreciation for the classic humor that defined an era, all while celebrating the rich tapestry of music and comedy woven throughout the show.

Transcript

[Lou Costello]

C A M E L S the.

[Ken Niles]

Evan and Costello program brought to you by Camel. The cigarette that's first in the service, according to actual sales records. See, if your throat and your taste don't make Camel a first with you, too. Find out for yourself. Listen to the great rhythms of Freddie Rich and his orchestra. The swingy singing of Connie Haynes and that great lover of the screen who softly whispers in the lady's ear.

[Freddie Rich]

When the boo of the boo.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, all right, all right. Castella.

[Lou Costello]

Castella.

[Bud Abbott]

Castella, please, please, please. What's the idea of all this noise? What do you think you're doing, Abbott?

[Lou Costello]

This is a great moment in history.

[Bud Abbott]

What do you mean?

[Lou Costello]

You are listening to the new Bing Crosby.

[Bud Abbott]

The new Bing Crosby?

[Lou Costello]

The new Bing Crosby, you dummy.

[Bud Abbott]

Do you realize that Crosby is famous all over the world as the Groaner?

[Lou Costello]

I'm gonna be famous all over the world, too.

[Bud Abbott]

As the Groaner?

[Lou Costello]

No. As the Squid.

[Connie Haynes]

No.

[Freddie Rich]

When the blue.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, yes.

[Lou Costello]

Castella, please.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, look, look, look, look. Will you cut that out? You'll never be able to sing like Crosby. His voice is unique. The doctor's found a wart on his vocal cord.

[Lou Costello]

So what? What do I care about a wart on his vocal cord? Look in my mouth, Abbott.

[Bud Abbott]

Hey, what's that blue jade plaster doing in your throat?

[Lou Costello]

I got a bunion on my windpipe.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, cut out that silly talk. You can't go around imitating Big Crosby. People will say you're a mimic.

[Lou Costello]

A mimic? Yeah. No, they won't. I got as much blood as anybody.

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, no, no. Never mind that, Costello. You still haven't told me why you came in here singing like Bing Crosby.

[Lou Costello]

Because I want to do a high close. High close. High class. High class, not high close. That's wrong. I want to do a high class. That's a bum reading. So what about it? All right, I want to do a.

[Connie Haynes]

Can I help it?

[Bud Abbott]

All right, say what you want to say.

[Lou Costello]

Because I want to do a high class program like his. No jokes. No. No comedy. Nothing but music and beautiful songs.

[Bud Abbott]

Don't be silly, Costello. We can't get along without laughs.

[Lou Costello]

We've been doing all right up till now.

[Bud Abbott]

Costella, don't talk like an idiot. You can't compete with Bing Crosby. Look at his background.

[Lou Costello]

Look at his background.

[Bud Abbott]

Yes, look at it.

[Lou Costello]

Get a load of mine. I've got the biggest background in Hollywood on my background. I've got 35 orange trees and a large smudge pot overlooking my barbecue pit.

[Bud Abbott]

Pastela, look, I'm Talking about Crosby's musical training. Do you realize he studied opera? Why, he spent 15 years on Faust.

[Lou Costello]

Crosby spent 15 years on Faust?

[Bud Abbott]

Certainly.

[Lou Costello]

Then you've been lying to me, Abbott.

[Bud Abbott]

What do you mean, I've been lying to you?

[Connie Haynes]

For 15 years you've been telling me.

[Lou Costello]

Who was on Faust and what is on second. No, no, no, no. Every time I say what is on second, you would say, what is on Faust, not on Faust.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, you dummy, I don't mean he was on Faust. I mean he sings Faust.

[Lou Costello]

He does not.

[Bud Abbott]

He doesn't sing Faust?

[Lou Costello]

No, he sings very slow, like my Uncle Artie stepped. Oh.

[Bud Abbott]

Yeah, all right, cut that out. Look, Costella, Faust is an opera. Aspirin, I'm asking you, please. Faust is an opera. Do you know any operas?

[Lou Costello]

Yes, Abbott, I know two operas.

[Bud Abbott]

You know two operas?

[Lou Costello]

Yes. Carmen and Miranda.

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, not Carmen Miranda. You mean the opera Carmen. Did you ever hear the third movement from Carmen?

[Lou Costello]

No, but I saw the fourth movement from Miranda.

[Connie Haynes]

Cut it, Rick.

[Lou Costello]

What are you trying to do?

[Connie Haynes]

Get into.

[Bud Abbott]

Please. Now, don't be silly. You don't know the first thing about music. You don't even know how many kinds of notes there are.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, I don't?

[Bud Abbott]

No.

[Lou Costello]

Yes, I do.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, name the different notes.

[Lou Costello]

Well, there's wall notes, P notes, coconut cashew notes.

[Bud Abbott]

Will you cut that out? I'm talking about musical notes. For instance, how many notes do you find in a bar?

[Lou Costello]

How many notes do I find in a bar?

[Bud Abbott]

That's right.

[Lou Costello]

My mother never lets me go into those places.

[Bud Abbott]

Stop, Costello.

[Lou Costello]

A bar is.

[Bud Abbott]

Is a measure of music. And every bar gives you a full measure.

[Lou Costello]

Say what?

[Bud Abbott]

Every bar gives you a full measure.

[Lou Costello]

Not in Hollywood, they don't. This is the home of short beer.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, no, no, Never mind that, Costello. In order to be a singer, you must be able to read notes. Freddie Rich, please hand me a sheet of music.

[Lou Costello]

Thank you very much.

[Bud Abbott]

Yeah, thanks. Now, Costello, tell me, what do you see on that piece of paper there?

[Lou Costello]

I see a bunch of flies sitting on a fence.

[Bud Abbott]

I know.

[Lou Costello]

And some of them have tails. No, no. Look like the tails are broken off.

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, no, no, no, no. Those are. Those aren't flies. Those are notes. Freddie Rich wrote this music.

[Lou Costello]

Did he write it in bars?

[Bud Abbott]

Certainly, Freddie. Freddie wrote this song in 32 bars.

[Lou Costello]

In 32 bars?

[Bud Abbott]

That's right.

[Lou Costello]

No wonder his music is so staggering.

[Bud Abbott]

No, no. Oh, Costello, Costello, please.

[Lou Costello]

He should know better than to write music in bars.

[Bud Abbott]

What do you mean?

[Lou Costello]

Why don't he do his cutting up at Home like other musicians.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, just a minute, Costello. Freddie Rich is a great songwriter. I was with Freddie last night when he wrote a song in four flats.

[Lou Costello]

In four flats?

[Bud Abbott]

Certainly.

[Lou Costello]

You guys sure get around, don't you?

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, no, you idiot. Four flats is the key the song was written in. Freddy used the key of four flats.

[Lou Costello]

Freddie Rich has the key of four flats?

[Bud Abbott]

That's right.

[Lou Costello]

Does his wife know about this?

[Bud Abbott]

Look, Costello, when I say Freddie wrote a song in 4 flats, I don't mean the kind of flats you live in. I mean the kind of flats you play in. And the number of flats gives you the key. And Freddy's key is four flats or a flat.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, oh, now you got.

[Bud Abbott]

Ah, that's a boy.

[Lou Costello]

You mean the flats that Freddie plays it in ain't the kind of flat she lives in? No, because the key of the flat she plays in is four flats. And the flat he lives in has nothing to do with. With the key of the other four flats.

[Bud Abbott]

Now you've got it.

[Lou Costello]

Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about.

[Ken Niles]

Later on in the program, we'll have our usual salute to the Yank of the week. But tonight, and right now, here's an extra salute to another courageous Yank. His name is Gilbert Bundy, a brilliant artist who has been serving as war correspondent in the Pacific. Take a look at the back cover of Life magazine coming out tomorrow, and you'll see his photograph and many of the on the spot sketches he did with the Navy and Marines. You'll also see some interesting things he has to say about Camel cigarettes. Quote, there are moments when having a cigarette seems like the most important thing in the world. And Camel is the cigarette that rates. Maybe it's the flavor, maybe it's because it's easy on my throat. But whatever it is, Camel's got it. And you can quote me, unquote. Well, folks, your T zone. T for throat and T for taste will tell you that too. C A M E L S. Camels. Try them on your T zone today. From the film capital's newest picture, Hollywood Canteen, Freddie Ricch plays Don't Fence me Yet.

[Lou Costello]

My time is your time My time and your time grow and watch time. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, all right. Oh, Costello, will you cut that off? I'm not going to let you sing on our program.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, Abbott, you've got to. I'm sorry, you have to. I've always wanted to sing.

[Bud Abbott]

No.

[Lou Costello]

Even as a little kid, I used to Sing in a quartet in a fish market.

[Bud Abbott]

A fish market quartet?

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, there was four of us. First tuna, second tuna, barracuda and bass.

[Bud Abbott]

Are you trying to tell me the fish market paid you to sing?

[Lou Costello]

No, we just sang for the halibut.

[Bud Abbott]

I was. Well, you can't sing on this program. This isn't a fish market.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, no. If this ain't a fish market, what are those four pickerel players doing in a band?

[Bud Abbott]

Ah, pickerel players. That isn't pickerel. That word is piccolo.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, no, it ain't. Piccolo is what I had for lunch.

[Bud Abbott]

You had piccolo for lunch?

[Lou Costello]

Yep. Hamburger with mustard. Piccolo.

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, no, no, no, no. That's piccalilly. Piccolo is the relish.

[Lou Costello]

That's what we got growing in our garden.

[Bud Abbott]

You've got relish growing in your garden?

[Lou Costello]

Yeah. Horseradish.

[Bud Abbott]

No, that's not relish. That's radish. Radish?

[Lou Costello]

Radish is what my girls got.

[Bud Abbott]

Your girls got radish?

[Lou Costello]

Yeah. Green eyes and radish hair.

[Bud Abbott]

Look, please talk sense, Costello. This has nothing to do with your silly idea of singing on the program.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, wait a minute. What's the matter? I tell you, Abbott, I gotta sing.

[Bud Abbott]

What do you mean, you've gotta sing?

[Lou Costello]

Everybody wants me to make good.

[Bud Abbott]

I'm sorry.

[Lou Costello]

I've always been musically inclined. On the day I was born, my mother looked at me and said, little Louie is gonna be a great musician.

[Bud Abbott]

How could she tell?

[Lou Costello]

I was born with drums in my ears.

[Bud Abbott]

I look up. Oh, all right, Castella, if you insist on singing, I might let you sing one number. But you can't sing Bing Crosby's theme song. You've got to get a song of your own.

[Lou Costello]

Okay, Abbott, I got a beautiful number about a girl on a bicycle.

[Ken Niles]

How does it go?

[Lou Costello]

She pushes it with her feet.

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, no. I don't mean that. Look, I've had enough of this nonsense. Look, Costella, if you want to sing on this program, you'll have to get a songwriter to write you a number. Now, here, come on with me, Costella.

[Lou Costello]

Where are we going?

[Bud Abbott]

We're going over to. To Ned Blank's Music Company in Tin. Well, here we are, Costello. This is the Ned Blank Music Company. Let's go in.

[Lou Costello]

I love you. Music is a beautiful thing.

[Bud Abbott]

Yes, Costello, this is Tin Pan Alley, where all beautiful songs like that are written.

[Lou Costello]

Gee, Abbott, I wish I'd have brung along a needle and a thread.

[Bud Abbott]

A needle and a thread?

[Lou Costello]

What for? To give to that poor girl that's always dancing With a hole in her stocking.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, be quiet. Look, we've got to find the head songwriter. Pardon me, sir. Are you the manager?

[Lou Costello]

No, I'm the janitor. Just call me Ireland must be heaven.

[Bud Abbott]

Cause my mother came from there.

[Lou Costello]

Buchowski, speak to the secretary over there. Okay. Pardon me, miss, Miss.

[Madame Spumoni]

Just call me I of course replied. Smoke gets in your eyes, honeysuckle rose.

[Sebastian Costello]

And who are you, young man?

[Lou Costello]

Well, you can just call me. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. Lula's back in town. Come down and get you in a taxi, honey Costello.

[Bud Abbott]

Young lady, we came here to have a theme song written.

[Unknown]

Could you help us?

[Madame Spumoni]

Oh, well, here comes our head songwriter now.

[Freddie Rich]

I haven't show Grundy yet writing songs. I'm Hand.

[Bud Abbott]

Fitzel. Don't tell me you're a songwriter.

[Freddie Rich]

It could be. You know, I'm the greatest musician in Tin Pan Alley. And I can play any instrument.

[Bud Abbott]

Play any instrument? Have you a fife?

[Unknown]

Yes.

[Freddie Rich]

And a couple of kids?

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, a fife is a long skinny thing.

[Freddie Rich]

Yeah, that's my theory.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, Abbott, why should we listen to this guy? I can play any instrument too, you know. My favorite instrument is the flit. The flit?

[Bud Abbott]

You mean flute? Flit is a spray.

[Lou Costello]

That's me. When I play, I spray.

[Freddie Rich]

Any places, please. I don't like it.

[Bud Abbott]

Look, Kitzel Costello's looking for an original song to sing on the program.

[Freddie Rich]

An original? Oh, you are fortunate fellow. I just wrote a song about a lady prize fighter.

[Bud Abbott]

You wrote a song about a lady prize fighter?

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, sure.

[Freddie Rich]

Ponciani.

[Lou Costello]

This guy's a phony.

[Freddie Rich]

No, no.

[Lou Costello]

Yes, you are. Before I give you a nickel, I'm going to sing my own song. It's the most beautiful ballad that was ever written.

[Freddie Rich]

Oh, don't tell me that you wrote a Bella.

[Bud Abbott]

Did I write a ballad?

[Lou Costello]

What a song I wrote. It's a song of mystery.

[Bud Abbott]

What do you call your song?

[Lou Costello]

I call it, Ah, Sweet mystery of.

[Bud Abbott]

A Sweet mystery of.

[Lou Costello]

Of what? That's the mystery.

[Ken Niles]

Oh, what kind of. Well, Lou, here's a great theme song for you. A lovely Connie Haynes sings one of the season's bestsellers.

[Unknown]

I'm making believe I.

[Madame Spumoni]

Making believe that you're in my arms oh, I know you're so far away Making believe I'm talking to you Wish.

[Unknown]

You could hear what I say.

[Freddie Rich]

And.

[Madame Spumoni]

Here in the gloom of my lonely room we're dancing like we used to do.

[Unknown]

Making believe is just another way.

[Madame Spumoni]

Of dreaming so till my dreams come true.

[Unknown]

I whisper good night Turn out.

[Madame Spumoni]

The lights and Kiss my pillow Making believe it's you who can believe that you're in my arms I know you're so far away Making believe I'm talking to you.

[Unknown]

Wish you could hear what I say and here in the gloom.

[Madame Spumoni]

Of my lonely wound we're dancing like we used to do.

[Unknown]

Making believe It's.

[Madame Spumoni]

Just another way of dreaming so till my dreams come true.

[Unknown]

I whisper good night Turn out the light and kiss my pillow Making believe Making believe it's.

[Madame Spumoni]

You, you.

[Unknown]

Nobody else But you.

[Freddie Rich]

Know.

[Ken Niles]

Maybe I'm too impatient because I wish television were here right now instead of in the post war world. But you can't blame me for my impatience. I'd like to be showing you right now a diagrammatic drawing of the human throat. That wonderful, intricate instrument. Then you would see for yourself why it deserves such care and attention. Like the proper choice of a cigarette. For example, try Camels on your T zone. T for throat, T for taste. See how your throat likes Camels cool mildness and how your taste enjoys the rich, full flavor of Camel's superb blend of costlier tobaccos. Camels. Try them on your throat and your taste, your T zone.

[Connie Haynes]

All right, Abbott, get everybody off the stage.

[Lou Costello]

Clear the joiner.

[Bud Abbott]

Now wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just a minute, Costello.

[Lou Costello]

Please. Don't interrupt me, Abbott.

[Bud Abbott]

What do you mean?

[Connie Haynes]

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I wish to.

[Lou Costello]

Present my first musical program starring Lou Costello, better known as the Squealer.

[Connie Haynes]

I will sing.

[Lou Costello]

No, no, not that.

[Ken Niles]

Oh, anything.

[Lou Costello]

But then I can't. There's a coward in every audience.

[Bud Abbott]

That man is right, Costello. You're not ready to sing yet. Wait a minute. What are you drinking out of that bottle?

[Lou Costello]

It's medicine for my throat. It's to keep me from getting hoarse.

[Ken Niles]

What is it?

[Lou Costello]

Horse liniment. And now, if Freddie Rich and his orchestra is ready and the ushers will lock the doors, I will sing my opening number, the Flight of the Stumblebum by Ripsky Korsanoff. Now, what's the matter, Freddie? Can't you handle it? Well, I just want to know how you want your music played. Do you want a poco?

[Freddie Rich]

A poco or piu accelerando?

[Lou Costello]

Well, we'll just start out poco and we'll finish up piu. And while I'm on the subject.

[Connie Haynes]

Was your script shaking?

[Bud Abbott]

Now, wait a. Wait a minute, Costello. The band isn't ready to play for you yet. They don't even know your range.

[Lou Costello]

My what?

[Bud Abbott]

Your range. Every singer has a certain range. Now, take little Connie Haynes. Don't you like her range?

[Lou Costello]

Yes. In fact, I like her whole kitchen.

[Connie Haynes]

And now, stop interrupting me, Abbott. Come on, Freddie, start the music.

[Lou Costello]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, I tell you, you can't sing on this program without some preparation. Now, listen, I've taken the liberty of hiring you a vocal instructor. Would you please step in here? Madame Spamoni.

[Unknown]

I hear you.

[Connie Haynes]

I came here to teach you how to sing. How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? How do you do?

[Freddie Rich]

How do you do? How do you do?

[Unknown]

Get out of here.

[Lou Costello]

Quiet.

[Bud Abbott]

Pastela.

[Lou Costello]

Cut out the noise. Lady.

[Connie Haynes]

Noise?

[Sebastian Costello]

How dare you, young man? That was from Rigoletto.

[Lou Costello]

That was from Rigor Mortis.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, Costelli, you can't talk that way to Madame Spumoni.

[Lou Costello]

Madame Spamoni?

[Bud Abbott]

Yes, she's a great opera singer.

[Lou Costello]

Opera singer? Yes. She don't even look like an opera singer.

[Sebastian Costello]

Oh, you don't look like a chicken either, but I've heard you lay plenty of eggs.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, let's not argue, please.

[Lou Costello]

Madame Spumoni.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, just a minute here, please.

[Connie Haynes]

Marie.

[Lou Costello]

Me, ain't she.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, look, look, Lou, I brought. I brought Madame Spumoni over here to listen to your voice. Costello, sing a few notes for her.

[Lou Costello]

All right, I'll sing. My favorite song. I am writing Caroline.

[Sebastian Costello]

Oh, you mean I'm calling Caroline?

[Connie Haynes]

I mean I'm writing Caroline.

[Lou Costello]

The company took my phone out.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, I don't think you'd better try to sing a song yet.

[Sebastian Costello]

That's right, Mr. Costello. First I want to find out something. Do you have an ear for music?

[Lou Costello]

Yes, ma', am, but I sing better with my mouth.

[Sebastian Costello]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Connie Haynes]

I'm listening to this. What are you doing? Go ahead and tell me.

[Sebastian Costello]

Tell me what note I'm singing. Now, what is that?

[Lou Costello]

That's H. That was G. It sounded.

[Connie Haynes]

Like H.

[Bud Abbott]

Costella, please pay attention to Madame Spumoni, will you?

[Sebastian Costello]

Yes, Mr. Cotton. I'd like to hear you sing the scale. Go ahead.

[Lou Costello]

Okay, Do Re.

[Sebastian Costello]

Well, go ahead.

[Lou Costello]

There's more.

[Sebastian Costello]

Course there's more. The next note is V. Now hit me.

[Lou Costello]

I beg your pardon?

[Connie Haynes]

I said hit me. Hit me.

[Lou Costello]

Abbott, this kid is asking for it. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello.

[Lou Costello]

Costello, put your foot down.

[Bud Abbott]

She didn't say to hit her. She said hit me.

[Lou Costello]

Now you're talking. Wait till I get my coat off.

[Connie Haynes]

And I'll smack the both of you.

[Lou Costello]

Lassie.

[Sebastian Costello]

Oh, my dear boy. We don't want to fight with you.

[Connie Haynes]

We're trying to help You.

[Sebastian Costello]

I want you to sing me the third note in the scale. Now, sing it alone first and then we'll try a few bars together.

[Lou Costello]

We'll try a few bars together? Certainly.

[Connie Haynes]

You don't even appeal to me.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, Marcella, please.

[Sebastian Costello]

Certainly.

[Unknown]

I'll.

[Sebastian Costello]

I'll join you in the last four bars.

[Lou Costello]

If you do, you'll buy your own dream.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, Madame Spumoni merely wants to hear you sing a few notes.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, well, that's different. Get a lot of this.

[Connie Haynes]

Stop. And I say stop.

[Sebastian Costello]

Costello, your voice sounds very strained.

[Lou Costello]

Yes, I know it. I strained it singing through a screened off.

[Sebastian Costello]

No. Try it again, Mr. Costello. Now, this time I want you to give me a nice round, pear shaped tone.

[Lou Costello]

A what?

[Sebastian Costello]

A pear shaped tone. Every note must come out of your mouth shaped like a pear.

[Lou Costello]

Which end first?

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, please. Madame Spumoni. Madame Spamonis simply means that you've got to breathe properly to sing.

[Sebastian Costello]

That is correct.

[Lou Costello]

Get it right.

[Sebastian Costello]

To control the tone, you must sing from your diaphragm. Do you know where your diaphragm is?

[Lou Costello]

No, I haven't worn one of those since I was a baby.

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, no, Costello. She's talking about the thing you breathe with. What have you got between your stomach and your chest?

[Lou Costello]

My belt. I. No.

[Sebastian Costello]

Gentlemen. Gentlemen, if I may call you gentlemen. You're wasting my time. Now, Mr. Costello, I'm going to ask you to sing these two words after me. Ready now.

[Unknown]

Fresh fish.

[Freddie Rich]

Fresh fish. Fresh fish.

[Lou Costello]

Fresh fish. Kind of hard.

[Freddie Rich]

Fresh fish.

[Connie Haynes]

That's enough.

[Unknown]

That's fine.

[Sebastian Costello]

That's wonderful.

[Lou Costello]

Wait a minute. What's the idea of getting me to holla? Fresh fish.

[Sebastian Costello]

Well, when I get through with you.

[Connie Haynes]

If you can't make money one way.

[Sebastian Costello]

You can make it another.

[Freddie Rich]

How do you do?

[Connie Haynes]

How do you do? How do you do?

[Lou Costello]

How do you like that Dame Evan? I don't need her eater, you know. I don't need anybody to help me sing.

[Bud Abbott]

No, but Castella, you used to. You can't sing without music.

[Lou Costello]

I ain't gonna sing without music. My kid brother Sebastian is gonna play for me. Come on up here, Sebastian, and play the piano.

[Connie Haynes]

Here I am, Louie. Oh, Uncle Bud. Well, how are all the old jokes going tonight?

[Bud Abbott]

Now never mind that, Sebastian. Look here, Costelli, your kid brother can't play in this program. He doesn't know how to play the piano.

[Connie Haynes]

Oh, yes, I do, Uncle Bud. I play the piano with my feet.

[Lou Costello]

With your feet?

[Bud Abbott]

What do you do with your hands?

[Connie Haynes]

I hold them over my ears. I can't stand it.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, that's me. Sebastian, sit down on the piano stool. Sit down on the piano stool and play something for Uncle Bud.

[Connie Haynes]

Okay, Louie.

[Bud Abbott]

What's the matter, Sebastian?

[Connie Haynes]

Who unscrewed the top off this piano stool?

[Bud Abbott]

Come, Sebastian, let's see you play something.

[Connie Haynes]

Okay.

[Lou Costello]

Sebastian. Sebastian.

[Bud Abbott]

What was that you played?

[Connie Haynes]

Home Sweet Home.

[Bud Abbott]

Now that was terrible.

[Connie Haynes]

We have a terrible home.

[Lou Costello]

Sebastian, I'm surprised at you. You can play better than that. I gave you 50 cents for a piano lesson yesterday.

[Connie Haynes]

I know it, Louie, but I spent the money on my girlfriend. I bought her a peppermint stick.

[Bud Abbott]

You've got a girlfriend at your age?

[Connie Haynes]

Yep. And yesterday was the first time I kissed her.

[Bud Abbott]

You kissed her?

[Connie Haynes]

Yeah. And we better finish the program fast. I'm getting hoarser and hoarser.

[Freddie Rich]

Mm.

[Connie Haynes]

I kissed her yesterday, Uncle Abbott, but it was an accident. We were both eating the same peppermint stick and I ate past my half.

[Lou Costello]

Sebastian. Here I was depending on you to play the piano for me tonight. I was gonna make my debut as a singer. And you deliberately take the hard earned money I gave you for piano lessons and spend it on a high living and wild women.

[Connie Haynes]

You have impuged on my good name.

[Lou Costello]

Why do you always do these things to me, Sebastian?

[Unknown]

Oh, I'm a bad boy.

[Ken Niles]

Abbott and Costello will be back in just a moment.

[Unknown]

Thanks to the angst of the week tonight we salute Technical Sergeant Henry Shard of Scobey, Montana in duels with three German machine gun nests. His deadly marksmanship killed the entire gun crews. He stood there shooting unprotected with machine gun bullets tearing up the ground at his feet. The Medal of Honor was presented to him by Lieutenant General Alexander Patch. In your honor, Sergeant Shaw, the makers of Camels are sending to our fighters overseas 400,000 Camel cigarettes.

[Ken Niles]

Each of the three Camel radio shows honors a Yank of the Week by sending free 400,000 Camel cigarettes overseas. A total of more than a million Camels sent free each week in this country. The camel caravans traveling from camp to camp have thanked audiences of more than 4 million yanks with free shows and free Camels. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States three times a week. A rebroadcast to our men overseas and to South America. Listen tomorrow to Jimmy Durante and Gary Moore. Monday to Bob Hawk in thanks to the Yanks. And next Thursday to Abbott and Costello. And now here are Bud Abbott and Lou Costello with the final word.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, Costello, if you really want more music on our show next week, I'll. I'll bring along my cousin, Chuck Reisner.

[Lou Costello]

But, Abbott, I didn't know your cousin Chuck Reisner was a singer.

[Bud Abbott]

Very few people knew that. But Cousin Chuck is a basso profondo.

[Lou Costello]

I wish you hadn't said that, Abbott.

[Bud Abbott]

What's wrong with me saying that Chuck is a basso profondo?

[Lou Costello]

Because some of those children turn out to be the best people.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, please don't talk about my cousin Chuck rising like that.

[Connie Haynes]

Good night, folks.

[Bud Abbott]

Good night, folks.

[Connie Haynes]

Good night, everybody.

[Bud Abbott]

Good night, everybody.

[Ken Niles]

Be sure to tune in next week for another great Abbott and Costello show. And remember, try Camels on your throat and your taste. See for yourself how camel's mildness, coolness and flavor click with you.

[Unknown]

To many a pipe smoking man, there is one symbol of Christmas almost as familiar as the holly wreath and the evergreen tree itself. I mean that big, cheery, pleasure filled package of Prince Albert smoking tobacco with the bright Christmas band. Yes, many a merry Christmas has been made merrier still by that pound or half pound package of smoking joy. Rich, full, yet mild flavor, aged in the wood aroma. The famous crimp cut for firm packing, easy drawing and even burning. And then too, Prince Albert is so tongue gentle, thanks to its no bite treatment. Look at that Christmas list of yours again. There's many a man's name on it, beside which you'll want to write Prince Albert.

[Ken Niles]

The Abbott and Costello show for Camel cigarettes will be back at this very same time next week. Don't miss it. This is Ken Niles in Hollywood wishing you all a pleasant good night.

[Lou Costello]

This is the national Broadcasting.